BEYOND THE MAT: I saw it Sunday - there were a dozen people in the theatre with me, but that might have had something to do with the fact that it was 2:30 in the afternoon on a beautiful spring Sunday. It's a good flick, but I can see why it didn't get nominated - "too much Blaustein in a film that was supposed to be about a non-Blaustein topic" is the short version of my reason. I'll try to talk about it when I'm not running so late.

The helicopter view! The rooftop view! It's Spring Break! It's World Championship Wrestling! It's rated TV-14-DLS! It's ... Monday Nitro!

Here's a graphic confirming it

PYRO and close captioning logo welcome us to South Padre Island, TX 27.3.2K LIVE on TNT and via simulwebcast at tnt.turner.com! (So says the graphic - I have a sneaky feeling that with my three hour West Coast tape delay, I've already missed it) This IS the SPRING BREAK OUT! Who will break out of WCW THIS week?

GENE O. stands in the ring ready to bring on...well, who knows. KIMBERLY comes out instead. Maybe he was bringing on DDP? Anyway, Kimberly's wearing a swimsuit that reminds us all that Vince Russo is back once again, as well as one of those waist things that all the pornstars wear. She ALMOST trips once she's on the apron but catches herself. "Gene, Gene, you know there's only one person capable of making this introduction. From the Jersey shore, the former TWO-TIME ...world heavyweight champion...the master of the Diamond Cutter. And the self-proclaimed King of Ba-da-bing, DDP - DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE!" Geez, is she on DRUGS or something? Is she trying to pick up two or three accents? Okerlund calls Craig Kilborn "Craig Clayborne," and it all goes downhill from there. Page proclaims his head "right," says "Good Gawd," sucks up to the fans, tells us that he ruptured his L4 and L5, but when he comes back, his back will be jacked. He shills "Ready to Rumble," repeatedly referring to it as "Wayne's World" for some reason. The world premiere is 5 April at Mann's Chinese theatre - WCW will be there as there's nothing better to do that week. Page says his next role will be to be the best three-time, three-time, three-time World Heavyweight Champion ever. JEDOUBLF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET interrupts proceedings, says "Slappy," proclaims HIMSELF the only star around here, reminds us that he IS the Chosen One, promises to crash the party on the fifth, and asks Page to choke on that 'cause he's a slapnut. Page promises Jarrett will see stars on the fifth. Crowd pops because Kim lifted up her sarong.

WCW Spring Break-Out is brought to you by Tough Actin' Tinactin and TracFone!

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and ROB VAN DAM (hey, if ECW isn't #2, why are you stealing ECW mannerisms?), and strangely enought, the most prominently displayed sign proclaims "I WISH I WAS AT RAW!!" Tonight's feature match: Sting & Vampiro against Team Package in a Tejas Tornado match. Tony proclaims this past week one of the most exciting weeks in the whole of history and reveals that Brad Siegel, the president of Turner Entertainment Networks as well as WCW (wink) brought back Eric Bischoff as the head of Creative (wink) and also he was interested in bringing back Vince Russo (wink) - Russo hasn't decided yet, but some time tonight we'll find out! (wink)

Here's A Special Video Look at Hogan at the Tower Records in Chicago - I can't help but notice we didn't see ANY shots of any throngs of people, or long lines, or anything - are they only leaving it to our imagination? They did this, you see, because they needed to spend more time with clips of Mancow and Jimmy Hart. Mancow and Jimmy Hart. And now there's going to be a match between the two at Spring Stampede. Mancow and Jimmy Hart. Sure is windy, huh?

Backstage, three guys we've never seen before talk about hitting the beach - Paisley interrupts, saying the Artist is searching for his next challenger and as Candido and Guerrero were unworthy, he's picking one of these nobodies instead. An eeny-meeny-miney-mo later, an opponent is picked. I'm not gonna tell you that's Mike Modest, you'll probably find out later.

Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Today as Scott Steiner hits on some hooches - then Jarrett and the Harrisses got him to walk to the beach. Or something. I duno.

Oh boy! 1-800-CAL-LATT contest to win a trip to Slamboree and watch "Ready to Rumble!" Know what the second place prize is? TWO airings of "Ready to Rumble!" Thank you! I'll be here all week!

Oh boy! Knicks/Kings tomorrow! My depression can CONTINUE! I hope they lose the lead to a free throw like they did Sunday...damn that Shaq and his diabolical free throw-making ability!

Close captioning where available sponsored by America (ha) Online!

Gene O. stands with Booker - Heavy D apparently has a shoulder injury, so the Harris Boys won't be giving a tag team title rematch to he and Kidman. He schooled Kidman on the game or something.

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Starburst Hard Candies! Feel the BURST!

THE ACRONYM (with Paisley) v. MICHAEL MODEST (already in the ring) for the World Cruiserweight championship - before the match starts, some more music plays and...whoops, false alarm I guess. Lockup, side headlock, chainwrestling, Modest reverses, arm wringer by Artist, standing heel kick. Artists yawns, Modest clotheslines him. Gutshot, into the ropes, reversed, kick by Artist - ANOTHER big clothesline by Modest. Right, right, right, into the corner, Artist up and over - nobody - Modest with a T-bone suplex. I keep typing "Modesto" and I don't MEAN to but it IS my adopted hometown. Modest with a ten punch countalong - "kiss my ass" motion, Artist runs into a clothesline. Whip into the corner, Artist flies over the top rope to the floor. Modest goes outside but Artist goes to the gut, then to the eyes. Ringpost shot blocked, Artist tastes the STEEL steps. Both CHAVO GUERRERO JNR & "HARD KNOX" CHRIS CANDIDO are out as Artist is rolled back in. Kick by the Artist, kick, scoop - and a tie to the Tree of Woe - running knee! Is that his way of saying "hi" to Kevin Sullivan? Sid Vicious isn't here but he's put a $500K bounty on Hogan - hooray! Artist whips Modest into the corner and he hits his trademark "back of my neck to the buckle" landing - belly-to-back suplex gets 2. Chavo and Paisley having a discussio nas Modest reverses a whip and hits a running "great move" for 1, 2, no! Samoan Drop by Artist - 2. Chavo and Paisley on the apron - Candido watching from afar. Modest into the ropes - collision with Guerrero. Candido decides to go after Guerrero here - Modest watches this and Artist rolls him up for 2. Modest kicks him out, and he collides with *Paisley* who falls into Candido. Got him in position - no, Modest has him...hey, what's that thing called? Running reverse cradle Death Valley Drop brainbuster? Oh, NOW they tell us it's a nontitle match. That would have been a good thing to tell us A LITTLE EARLIER THAN 1, 2, 3. (3:42) Now, friends, if you want this to be taken as a huge colossal monumental upset, PERHAPS you MIGHT have considered TALKING ABOUT THE MATCH DURING THE MATCH. Of course, the nimrods with the headsets spent the whole match talking about Bischoff, Russo, Vicious, Hogan, and everything BUT the match, so who gives a crap? And they wonder why nobody cares! The only person calling this match is me!

Gene O. talks to the Harrisses - Heavy D tells us he injured his shoulder pressing Midajah after Thunder. Big Ron says he'll have no problems taking on Booker later tonight, now can u dig that.

"Ready to Rumble" promo - I think the most unfortunate thing about the fact that Nitro and Thunder will be pre-empted next week is that INSTEAD, we'll get FOUR hours of "Ready to Rumble" infomercial in their place. Fortunately, no one will be watching them, so it won't matter.

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (NO Randy Savage), Judge Wapner's Cash Scam and Targon mouthwash

Spring Break Out 2000 is brought to you by - do you remember? Yes! Tough Actin' Tinactin and TracFone!

Here's A Special Video Look Complete With Wacky Sound Effects at the Beach. Wow, it's so crazy

Hulk Hogan and Jimmy Hart arrive at a hotel - Vampiro emerges from a shadow and tells Hogan he needs to chat at him for a moment...

Torrie Wilson has the centerfold of the WCW Magazine.

BOOKER v. BIG RON HARRIS (with Heavy D) - once and for all, if you can't tell them apart, learn NOW: Big Ron is the GOOD LOOKING one. Booker all over Harris to start - Don gets a distraction, Booker turns around and Ron punks him out. It IS funny seeing the Harris Boys in jeans shorts, I'll grantcha. PLEASE STOP BULLSHITTING US ABOUT RUSSO & BISCHOFF, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE. If they were such hot shit, why were they fired? Please. You have ALL the answers. Just give me that one. Just give me THAT ONE. If they are such hot shit, and they're going to turn this company around, if they are going to lead WCW back to the promised land, if they are as truly great as the commentators INSIST on going ON and ON and ON about - how come EACH man needed a second chance? JEDOUBELF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET comes out, distracts referee "Blind" Nick Patrick, Don comes in and axehandles Booker (see, it was all a brilliant, clever ruse) - one H bomb later, Harris has the pin. Nobody's a Booker fan, anyway, though, right? (1:40) Out come HARLEM HEAT to beat on Booker. Booker manages a brief comeback (nice standing double dropkick) until Kash hits a uranage on Booker. BILLY KIDMAN provides little help and gets press slammed. Booker brings in a swivel chair to clear the ring. This entire segment was depressing.

Vampiro tells Hogan and Hart (and this cameraman) that there's a bounty on his head. If only Hogan had been watching TV earlier! Hogan says it looks like a long night ahead...brother, you don't know the HALF of it.

GENE O. promises an electrifying moment ahead and brings out YOU KNOW WHO. Riki Rachtman and Mike Tenay are bringing the enhanced Webcast - hmm, that's a tough call. Gene starts out with "I want to thank you for bailing me out last week," and I ponder the symbolism. Okerlund brings up the bounty and Hogan gets all eighties on us. Jimmy Hart is being massaged by four nurses in bikinis or something. Sid Vicious is mean and nasty and probably stinky, too. Hogan says he'll put up five hundred grand of his own money to bring out Sid Vicious tonight - oops, sounds like they're giving away the main event and clearing up the PPV slot. For an encore, Hogan proclaims Vampiro the "wrestler of the future." To Hogan, that means "Vampiro's the guy I want jobbing to me next." The momentum Vampiro has is kinda like the way Hulkamania started out...huh? He's gonna chop Sid Vicious down with the edge of his hand. The music of THE WALL plays and we see him standing on top of the hotel and giving the international sign of the chokeslam. Hogan, ever astute, says "That's the Wall!"

MIKE TENAY stands with the Mamalukes and their manager. They're unhappy that he hasn't gotten them a shot a their tag team titles and instead signed them a match against the Jung Dragons. Disco says after they win tonight, there's no WAY the Executive Committee can ignore them...

Meanwhile, the Harris brothers see Vito and Johnny call them (some Italian word) and express disapproval...

See WCW while you can - Thursday in Baltimore, Friday in Pittsburgh! Tix on sale Friday for Tallahassee, Albany (GA), Columbus (GA), and Macon!

Oh boy! Another "Ready to Rumble" promo!

JUNG DRAGONS v. MAMALUKES & DISCO INFERNO - Let Us Take You Back to Thunder where the Dragons made off with the infamous Green Circles, which will hopefully explain tonight's performance of "Can't Get You Out of My Heart" in Japanese by the Dragon's. Kaz delivers his lines with at least as much soul as, say, Suzi Q. During this match we learn that Vince Russo has agreed "to join Eric Bischoff at the helm of Creative." Schiavone proclaims this "the single biggest bit of information, biggest news we've had in the entire year - maybe for the last couple of years in World Championship Wrestling." Make the joke about wrestling and long memories here. Schiavone drones on and on about Russo and Bischoff, completely ignoring the fact that the HARRIS BROS come out and totally screw up this match brawling with the Mamalukes. Finish sees Yang and Jamiesan come off the same top turbuckle with a splash/guillotine combo onto Disco - Jamiesan covers for the pin (5:14) and then the Harrisses beat up the Dragons just to keep us from thinking they're playing favourites. Double H bomb!

Team Package is WALKING!

Sting and Vampiro are WALKING! Damn Mike Tenay - it looks like "Brothers in Paint" is starting to stick...

1-800-CAL-LATT/"Ready to Rumble" ad #2

Hey look, it's the NITRO

THE MAN and THE NARCISSIST (with Liz) v. VAMPIRO & (THIS IS) STING in a Tejas Tornado match - Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday and show you how these four shook out. Vampiro and Sting rush Team Package in the middle of Package's posedown - Sting and Package go up the ramp and out of the picture. In the ring, Vampiro hits a Ten Punch Count Along. FLAIR FLOP! Flair gets in a kick and a chop. Package and Sting are at the hotel - and near the swimming pool. Thank GOD somebody's going in the water - if they killed THAT tradition there'd be NOTHING left. Back to the ring, arm wringer by Flair. Back to the pool - nope, nothing happening here. Liz had some sort of spot but blew it, I guess. She kinda threw up her hands and walked off - BACK BODY DROP INTO THE POOL! Who had Total Package in the betting pool? Sting is after Liz (YEAH! PUT HER IN THE POOL!) but Package is out and on Sting - cue the Clueless Waiter - WHAT ACTING! Package pushes HIM in the pool. I think there was a figure four in the ring but we missed it. Sunset flip by Vampiro for 2. Back to Sting & Package - nope, nothing happening here. Elizabeth tries once again to throw...SOMETHING...at Sting - no effect. Package to the guacamole and salsa! WANT FRIES WITH THAT, PACKAGE? WAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - please kill me. Figure four by Flair in the ring, but we're not watching the ring. Sting warns Elizabeth to stay back - Luger flips random fans off the dock and onto the sand. Elizabeth and Charles and giving signals but it's hard to hear. Elizabeth finally manages to do some damage, breaking a bottle (I think on Sting). Package goes to the surfboard. I mean, like, LITERALLY. HE HITS HIM WITH A SURFBOARD. Hey I saw a boom mic in that shot! Back to the ring, oh IT DOESN'T MATTER what happens in the ring so let's go back to the beach! Package with a right, another right, Sting's in the ocean - BACK BODY DROP IN THE OCEAN! PILEDRIVER IN THE OCEAN! Charles Robinson leaps to the water - 1, 2, 3! (5:25) Back in the ring, it looks like Vampiro must have jobbed. Sting's not done - bell clap! Clothesline! IN THE OCEAN! Tony has fifteen simultaneous orgasms.

"The producers" catch up with Booker to his reaction to Bischoff and Russo's return. Booker says they need to talk to the asskissers. Booker refers to himself as "Booker T." Hmmm.... "As far as Bischoff - as far as Russo - do your job, man."

Promotional consideration paid for by America (ha!) Online, 1-800-BAR-NONE, and that movie with the kid who sees dead people

Tinactin and TracFone could have probably found a better event to sponsor, but their marketing guys were REALLY lazy - now let's have some more EXCITING clips of PRODUCT PLACEMENT! Fun loving young people repeatedly exclaim "Tough Actin' Tinactin!" Umm, do you want to drink out of a sports bottle with a FOOT REMEDY on it? The connotations alone...

The Castrol GTX replay is of the back body drop to the pool, the guacamole shot, what the hell? What's the Vampiro thrust kick doing in there? It's not involving food or water! Ahh, piledriver in the ocean. I feel better. This replay DRIVES HARD!

Gene O. stands with Terry Funk who promises incomprehensibility and drunkenness - no, wait...

GTV--err, the KidCam catches Buff Bagwell puttin' the moves on ...I guess they're the NWO women. They're quite happy to take him up on his offer to dry them off from top to bottom.

We cut to the NWO dressing room where they're watching on the monitor. Scott Steiner says something that gets muted - the other three men try to stop him...

Fit Finlay says that Bischoff & Russo have a good track record, and these are the guys who can sort it out. "I'm a team player as far as this business is concerned, and I'll back them all the way." First of all, after hearing THAT line of corned beef, I guess those stereotypes ARE true about Irish guys and drinking, and second of all, Finlay SHOULD have said "when are they teaming me back up with David Taylor and Doc Dean?"

Cheap Bastard Jimmy Barron files his 1-800-CAL-LATT Road Report. I guess nobody's told him that next week's Nitro in Worcester is cancelled. Also, nobody told him that it wasn't April Fool's Day until Saturday.

These particular WCW Superstar Series videos are no longer "hot, new" so they should probably stop showing this ad

Oh boy! The World Premiere of Bif Naked's "We're Not Gonna Take It!" which answers the question "Why listen to the original when you can listen to a REMAKE?"

Here's a Special Video Look at the Wall - he's taking on Hulk Hogan later tonight. Oh man, don't tell me THAT'S your main event. "Let's TRY to set a record!" said the lame duck booker. "Lowest rated main event EVER!"

WHO? HUGH MORRUS v. TERRY FUNK -

Hey look! It's Steiner, Jarrett and a coupla women! And they're WALKING!

WCW Magazine ad - I'm sure on tap for next month's issue is "Chris Benoit: How Long Can He Hold the Title?"

Jeff Jarrett T-shirt ad

Gene O. stands with Hulk Hogan and Jimmy Hart. Didn't this guy speak ALREADY?!? He's gonna take out the Wall, one brick at a time, brother. Listening to Hogan talk about his biceps, I can't help but wonder if Big Jakes is still on his way. Hogan calls Vampiro "the brother of the blood" or something - why exactly is he glomming onto Vampiro so? Vampiro controls the hammerhead sharks - hey, he's AQUAMAN! They're going a thousand leagues under the sea, brother! What's he gonna do when he beats his ass too? Haa ha ha ha ha.

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & BIG POPPA PUMP (with NWO 6) come out. "As I look at the sea of freaks out here for Spring Break, lookin' for some action, I'm here to tell ya, all you have to do is give me the highback, and I'll give you satisfaction all night long until you call me the Big Bad Booty Daddy! So this goes to all my freaks out there, Big Poppa Pump is your hookup! Holler if ya hear me!" Jarrett says that he's turning over a new leaf tonight....TONIGHT he'll let the girls stay

The Acronym on the return of Bischoff & Russo: "I think it sucks. I think ah, they're both gonna run the company right into the ground. And, ah, it's gonna be over for all of us. Actually, um, some of the boys ah wanted me to say that, but ah, my own personal feelings is, um, Vince gave me a nice opportunity when he was here before - and, ah, I think he can do great things with the company. Eric's a visionary, he did great things when he was here before, and he deserves another shot." You had me, you lost me. Can you pinpoint the *exact* point in time when he went from being Sullivan's boy to Russo's boy (with an option on being Bischoff's boy)?

One more "Ready to Rumble" ad

Oh boy! Some hot TracFone action! Exactly how many zany video clip montages must we suffer through tonight?

Seems to me that next Monday and Tuesday are still on, but they've just been downgraded to house shows. Do you get that feeling as well?

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & BIG POPPA PUMP (with NWO 6) v. CURT HENNIG and BUFF IS THE STUFF - Hennig ends up getting mauled while Bagwell lengthens out his entrance. Hennig (and Bagwell) DO end up cleaning house. Jarrett comes back in and takes it to Bagwell. Right, right, right, into the ropes, duck, gutshot by Bagwell, TERRIBLE swinging neckbreaker, clothesline, dropkick. Tag to Hennig. Elbow from the second rope onto the arm. Knife-edge chop. Chop, right, back elbow for Steiner, chop - into the opposite corner, Jarrett puts up an elbow to stop him. Tag to Pump, gutshot, pound, kick, off the ropes, kick, kick, into the ropes is reversed, Hennig trying to get something off but Steiner's apparently not cooperating. In the corner, repeated knees, dueling hiptosses and Hennig's hits. Front face, tag to Bagwell, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Jarrett puts a knee in the back and Steiner hits an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Head to the buckle, knee, tag out, Jarrett punching away. Into the ropes, duck, knee by Bagwell, double underhook DDT and both men are down. Tag to Steiner, tag to Hennig - Hennig ducks, clothesline for Steiner, clothesline for Jarrett, clothesline for Steiner, scoop slam for Jarrett, Bagwell in to help - Hennig with a Ten Punch Count Along as Bagwell hits the Buff Blockbuster on Jarrett. Steiner manages an atomic drop on Hennig, and a clothesline on Bagwell. Steiner with a gutshot on Hennig, into the ropes is reversed, HENNIG hits a gutshot, but before he can go for the Hennigplex, Jarrett is in with El Kabong. Amazingly, referee "Blind" Nick Patrick had picked JUST that moment to leave the ring for no apparent reason other than he saw the gee-tar was going to come into play sooner or later. Outside the ring, one of the women is checking on Bagwell - now two. Inside the ring, Big Poppa Pump has the Steiner Recliner on Hennig - Patrick rings the bell as Hennig is flat out (4:27). Bagwell figures out what's happening and hits the ring too late.

Who was that, Big Vito? He gives an oh-so-believable "WCW is on their way back to #1!" spiel.

Oh boy! FIREWORKS!! I hope next week they show us THE YETI! Anyway, Tony gets relentless in hyping Nitro in two weeks. It would be HILARIOUS if RAW was SUCH hot shit next week that NOBODY came back to Nitro in two weeks. Now, in the LONG run, it'd suck, 'cause the WWF has tended to get REALLY lazy without competition, but in the short run...it'd be fun.

In the Thunder report, I'll tell you why I'm so depressed about what appears to be coming with WCW (just in case you haven't figured it out already). Join us then, won't you?