Hey, how about some still shots of last night's PPV, "courtesy WCW Magazine?" Sure. I'd tell you what I thought of this event, but you'd accuse me of bias or something. Don't worry; we'll pick it up as it comes up tonight...

From three different locales, WCW Security makes sure all the doors are secure. Nobody's getting in that they don't want to get in! It's an invitation-only affair - TONIGHT - ON WCW MONDAY NITRO!

Opening, Grrl-less graphic.

TV-14-DL (hmm, TV-14?) ratings box and PYRO and close captioned logo welcome you to Rockford, IL and the Metrocenter - it's 17.4.2K, WE ARE LIVE and...what's that playing, "New York, New York?" Well, if 1000 Strings performed it, perhaps...

As paper - and then balloons - fall from the ceiling, THREE RIOT SQUAD COPS are out first - then VIC VENOM leads out the NEW BLOOD ORDER (thanks, Heather) - the NEW US champion, the tag champions and the Cruiserweight titleholder (and his girl) are all out. Noticably absent is the new World champ. The leaflets say "New Blood," the balloons are red, the confetti is red..this goes on for a while. The problem with dropping balloons is you end up drowned out by the sound of popping balloons-- Hey, who did YOU think would talk first? Of course...Russo!

"Cut the music! You can boo all you want, that doesn't change the fact that I'm BETTER than you! Now *this* is what you call a NEW YORK PARTY! Look at all the gold in this ring! Last night at Spring Stampede, the New Blood came into their own, just like Vince Russo said so. (POP popopopopopopopPOPpopopopop) We've got the new Cruiserweight champion, Chris Candido, and Chris, I told ya there would be Sunny days ahead - look what happened! And last night, they defeated Slick (Dick) and the very SMALL Package - they are our NEW tag team champions, the Franchise - BUFF Bagwell! And what can you say about Big Poppa Pump... the NEW US Champion. Now one thing I wanna mention - last night there is one title that got away from the New Blood - but Terry Funk, that will all change tonight, because you see, Funk, you're not a New Blood, you're not a Millionaire, you're just TOO DAMN OLD, (POPpoppoppopopopPOPpopPOPppopopopopo) and speaking of old, you know, that other small promotion where I used to work - the WWF - there was an OLD, crotchety, old man who used to wear a black cowboy hat, and this old man did everything he could to keep my next guest down, and let me just say right now, JR, you can kiss my ass, because here is the NEW WCW World champion - the Chosen One, JEFF JARRETT!"

Quick impressions:

You know, Kimberly isn't much of an actress - but she looks good so it's okay...I guess

Sonics/Kings tomorrow! Will the Kings finally win a big one? Prob'ly not

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (no Savage), Geico, Geico (again), Toaster Breaks Pizza from Hot Pockets, and America (ha!) Online

Moments Ago, Page beat up some security guys in slo-motion, walked through the riot squad, hit the ring where Bischoff and Russo quickly exited, fell behind five on one, only to have the squad unmask and whack away.

In the office, Bischoff berates LeRoux, Bigelow, Morrus, Guerrero, Flynn, and Booker for not helping out - especially Booker. Apparently, he's in charge of this group of wrestlers. "I'm gettin' real tired of you." They've got a very short time to get on his good side. Bischoff dares them to "get it right." They're sent off - also, Russo is dispatched to find Awesome to get him to kick Page's ass. As he leaves, the security outside the arena comes in and quits en masse - apparently, this job isn't as easy as Bischoff said it was going to be, and they don't need the money. Eric gives us a "what else can go wrong?" and then the phone rings - Bischoff picks it up and it's one of those MAGIC phones where we can hear the other end - it's Hulk Hogan, and he's set to kick Bischoff's ass in about five minutes.

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, SCOTT HUDSON and MOBY MARK, THE WHITE WHALE. I heard I was called a "jabrone" on WCW Live last week - is that a step up from "jackass?" Once again, we thank you for your support. Keep the cards and letters coming! Their desk is covered with the red stuff. Tonight, the battleground is Monday Nitro!

SHAWN "THE PERFECT ONE" STASIAK v. CURT HENNIG - Stasiak comes out to the Mr. Perfect soundalike theme. Hennig comes out to his generic music. Okay, here's the deal. I'll do play-by-play for this match, but if there's a run-in, THAT'S IT for the night. Bit of a staredown - MISS HANCOCK is out in record time - all right, maybe the SECOND run-in. Stasiak shoves Hennig into the corner. Lockup, armdrag by Hennig. This is a feeling out process! Lockup, hiplock takeover by Hennig. Stasiak frustrated - just a bit. Lockup, knee, right, right, Stasiak whips him into the corner, hiptoss, scoop - and a slam - Hennig rolls outside. Hancock is WRITING! Hennig decides to pull Stasiak outside - chop! Chop! Head to the (no longer covered) barricade - chop - Stasiak falls on the commentary table. Hennig borrows the Mark's water - douses the Mark (why? Don't know - DON'T CARE! GO GO HENNIG), then drops an elbow across Stasiak's back. Back in the ring, Stasiak with a kick, a forearm, into the ropes - Hennig does a cartwheel! But Stasiak clotheslines him. Hudson says "World Wrestling Federation," what's that? All over him with punches, knee, vertical suplex, 1, 2, kickout. Head to the buckle as

Outside, we ride with some policemen - is it an episode of "COPS?" No, it's Hogan getting out of different car as the cops and the cameraman get out of THEIR car - now some cops block Hogan's way. Hands on guns but I beat they're not drawn on THIS show. "I got one thing to say, guys - I'm going in there one way or the other." Now, what's SUPPOSED to happen here is that Hogan is *so intense* that the cops are afraid to do anything BUT let him by, but what REALLY happens is Hogan does a lot of staring, there's an uneasy silence (punctuated by somebody heckling Hogan - heh - "You suck, Hogan!") and then, as if Hogan were a Jedi, the cops say "these aren't the droids we're looking for - move along." Hogan walks in, by all sorts of folk, Tony says something about the Wall but I didn't see it - THEN he says "Get this mic off me" to a stagehand - THEM'S PRODUCTION VALUES!! - now he's walking, he's walking, he's - he's apparently lost and can't find the way to the aisle, as he's walked by the entrance in the middle of the curtain. Whoops! Quick, cut to the crowd! Apparently, this whole time this has been happening, in the ring Stasiak has been working over Hennig. Now we see Hogan's found his way to the aisle - he's in the ring - block, right, Stasiak is out. Hogan tosses him over the top rope to the floor. Crowd chants "Ho Gan!" Quick, to the break!

WCW Magazine ad

This portion of Nitro is brought to you by George Foreman, his daughter, and MEINEKE!

Hogan's still in the ring when we come back - his music's been playing during the entire ad break, apparently, but now he's got THE STICK: "You know something, everybody? I just wanna clear up a couple things right now. You know, standing out here in front of you as a man, I just gotta get something off my chest and clear it up. You know, over this last year, I've had a lot of time to listen to what all the fans have had to say about Hulk Hogan. Oh yeah, man, I've listened to all the fans and all the 'maniacs, and they think this Hulkamania stuff is gonna live forever. And I've also listened to the critics - and I've heard the critics ask the question, well is Hulk Hogan getting older? Well, yeah, Hulk Hogan is getting older, and so is every other damn wrestler in the back too, day by day, and I've also - I've also heard the critics ask the question over and over again, is Hulk Hogan losing a step or two? Well, let me tell you something. Hulk Hogan isn't losing a step, I've only lost half a step. But the one question that I hear, over and over by all the critics, is does Hulk Hogan still have something to offer the wrestling business? And I'm here to tell ya - I'm here to tell ya, you're damn right I do, 'cause I'm here to lead by example. As far as my spot in this business goes, as far as being a lead dog, if there's anybody in the back that wants to come out here right now and take my spot, I'm ready to kick your ass. You know, you can mess with the character of Hulk Hogan, you can mess with the gimmick, you can make me slip on a banana peel for a 1-2-3, or Bischoff and Russo could try to embarrass Hulk Hogan by making a fool out of him, but when Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo pulled what they did at Nitro last week, and what they did at Spring Stampede, they're messing with the man, Terry Bollea. And as far as Terry Bollea is concerned, Bischoff and Russo - when you decided to try to take money out of my pocket, and food out of my kids' mouth, you went way beyond the line, becuase Terry Bollea has more heart than you two, or any other wrestler in the damn back. And as far as I'm concerned, if anybody wants my spot, like I said - they better have it in their blood, they better be a different kind of a breed of wrestler, because I'm here until somebody kicks my ass or runs me off, and that brings me to that snot-nosed punk, Billy Kidman! You know something, Kidman, I've litstened to you cry and whine to Bischoff and Russo and the other promoters that were here and gone, how you wanted the big push, how you weren't gonna leave the hotel room until you knew what they were gonna do with ya out here. Well brother, you make me sick, and I'm starting out on you tonight, brother. If you want my spot, get your ass out here and come and ry to take it - you know something? You called me out last week, Billy Kidman, and now this week, I'm calling your ass out - and make sure - Bischoff and Russo, I hope you're watching. Kidman, get your ass out here 'cause I'll kick right now, get out here!" Backstage, we see Kidman (clad it graffiti'd Hogan shirt) and Torrie on the NitroVision - he tells Hogan that HE should come get HIM. Bischoff stands propped up against the white Hummer in the background. Hogan duly leaves the ring and walks off...and...we take an ad break. Is that really Bischoff or a cardboard cutout?

When we come back, Hogan is outside, WALKING! "God damn" just misses the mute - "son of a bitch" doesn't even get a "howdy neighbour" from the censor.

GENE O. works tonight! He stands with Jeff Jarrett, who tells him to shut up. Jarrett says he's gonna hang an open contract out for any non-member of the Millionaire Club to get a shot tonight. Then he calls Okerlund "Jurassic slapass."

THE WALL

There's a knock at the door. It's Adams and Clarke - they tell Russo he's hard to find, then tell him they're ready. When's their title match? Russo tells them that tonight isn't a good night for that title match. Adams says he doesn't give a damn about tonight's problems, "we had a deal!" Russo says he didn't say they'd get their title shot TONIGHT, and they'd best get out of his way. They let him pass...so, like, Clarke's a mute?

Meanwhile, we take a look at the open contract on the door - wait - someone's signing it! But...damn! All we see is a hand! Sure, it's a white guy - but that could be practically anybody! WHO signed it? WHO? Maybe we'll find out...after this short ad break

Promotional consideration paid for by Toaster Breaks Pizza from hot Pockets (again), Motel 6, the city of Las Vegas, the Super Soaker CPS 2500 & 3000, and Hot Pockets from Hot Porckets!

Jeff Jarrett sees the contract and says "you've got to be kidding me, that freakin' Russo has got to be the BIGGEST idiot..." Oh damn, don't tell me RUSSO signed his OWN name to the contract...

Gene O. (and the TV-14-DL ratings box) stands backstage with Diamond Dallas Page - he's got a match with Mike Awesome? Whatever. He's a little pissed off after Spring Stampede - it ain't over yet - not by a longshot. Page grabs the camera and speaks into it - he's leaving Awesome laying, then he's coming after Bischoff to rip him a new ass. He hopes Hogan doesn't get to him first, 'cause putting him in the hospital is going to be HIS job.

Hey, look! It's BRUCE WIRTZ MACARTHUR! Isn't he a friend o' Flair's? And there's BOB PROBERT! He's a hockey dude!

MAMALUKES v. ? - the Mamalukes stand in the ring, but their opponents, the HARRIS BROS, are left laying backstage by BRIAN & BRYAN. Schiavone says that this was supposed to be a #1 Contenders' bout - Adams and Clarke walk by Billy Silverman (who decides to NOT get to the ring) and hit the ring. Adams with a full nelson slam on Vito. Johnny tries his nimble jumping, but lands into a uranage from Clarke. Schiavone tells us that their team name is "Chronic." Has Dr. Dre been alerted? Adams with a fireman's carry into a reverse ...bulldog? I dunno.

Our commentators wonder aloud what will happen when Hogan finds Kidman - also, who signed the open contract? CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, MARK! COME ON!

We're interrupted by the music and appearance of JOBBIN' VAMPIRO, who's got THE STICK: "Hey - I have come to send a message...to my brother in painnnnnnnnnnnnn. Sting! You know NOTHING! about pain. And even what happened last night between us - and only you truly know what happened when I dragged your tired, bored old ass underneath the ring - you still know absolutely nothing...about pain. But ya think you do. Sting - I heard your screams. I drew and tasted and felt your blood. And I smelled...all your fear. But that was last night. And tonight, it's just the beginning. I allowed myself just a little taste, Sting - a sip. 'cause I wanted to save the rest...in three weeks, at Slamboree, I am gonna devour you. I am gonna show you what it's like to walk around with your humanity stripped - just like I have, Sting!" Crowd: "Where's the gong?" "I am gonna drag you to the depths of hell, Sting! Welcome to my nightmare!" But the lights were turned out two sentences ago - Metallica fires up and ...from the rafters, (THIS IS) STING. Of all the stuff Russo recycled...aw, never mind it. Sting's got a bat with him - to the throat, again, choking Vampiro. "Vampiro, you look like somebody just walked over your grave, BOY! Right now I feel like rompin' stompin' graveyard destruc-tion!" Bat to the gut! Bat to the back! GILLOOLY SHOT! "I'm gonna get you a little lesson here, boy. You think I don't know anything about pain?" Headbutt. Bat to the back. "I learned form the best - I learned from guys like Natur Boy Ric Flair!" Gillooly! "Guys like the Total Package!" To the back! Atomic drop! "One thing's for sure is you're gonan grow up real quick around here - BOY. C'mere--" SCORPION DEATH DROP! "WCW runs through MY veins! This is MY turf." Now play that Metallica! Vampiro is as mackerel - for he hath jobbed again.

"Moments Ago," one paragraph ago - Sting came down kinda quick, didn't he? Watch Vampiro just STAND there as Sting unhooks his harness. Now watch Vampiro take all the bat shots again - now watch Vampiro eat the Scorpion Death Drop. Wow, this replay really builds up that New Blood!

Hulk Hogan is WALKING! Although he stops to pat the back of some children...RIGHT after he says "son of a bitch," heh heh heh.

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett tells Vince Russo that this was a hell of an idea - "you got me into this crap, you get me out of it." Russo says "I'll go talk to him." WHO? WHO? Must be Tank Abbott. Who else could it be?

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE v. I JOBBED TO TAZZ - somebody in the front row was given a free copy of "Positively Page," as long as he promised to show it to the camera - NOW! Page has a book signing somewhere tomorrow. If you REALLY wanted to know, you should have watched the show, 'cause even *I* have my limits. Page ducks, punches, punches, clothslines, stomps,

Russo talks to an unseen person about Jarrett...

Well, it wasn't Tank Abbott - 'cause he's over HERE - AND HE'S WALKING!

See the superstars of WCW LIVE next Monday in Rochester for Nitro, next Tuesday in Syracuse for Thunder, next Wednesday in Glens Falls (not for Saturday Night now?), and tix go on sale Friday for Slamboree in Kansas City, and Nitro in St. Louis!

Gene O. stands with Bagwell & Douglas, the new WCW tag team champions - they're New Blood. Bagwell has Package at Slamboree (hmmm, haven't seen THAT one before) and Douglas has Flair at Slamboree - but he wants Luger TONIGHT! Package interrupts the proceedings and says if he wants a match, he can have it - but there's a condition - if Vince Russo interferes before the final bell, the tag team titles go to Team Package. Douglas agrees to this...I wonder if that'll come back to haunt him...nah, probably not.

YEAHBABY TANK YEAHBABY ABBOTT YEAHBABY slowly walks to the ring as the Mark goes apoplectic. "Don't even look at me, fatass!" Sign in crowd: "TANK U 4 SHUTTING UP MADDEN" "Bill Goldberg - this is not my first barbecue. I've fought my whole life! And I've seen this song and dance before. I show up - you want a piece of me and you get hurt. Like I said before, Bill - until you grow nuts big enough to fight me, I'm gonna beat up innocent idiots that think you're a hero. You just remember, Bill, I'm gonna get somebody tonight - and this one's on you." The commentators get ready to bolt - Tank walks the other way instead - a photographer is shoved away - a camera is pushed off - the fan holding the Page autobiography? Nah. At this point, a drink ALMOST hits Abbott - oh well, nice try. Hey, Bruce MacArthur? Ayup. Damn, I thought he was gonna piledriver him! Fortunately, before he can do anything with him, Probert decides to jump the rail and grab him - Doug Dillinger and Security prevent anything from happening, though...

Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan happens upon Terry Taylor, who promptly stooges off Kidman. Maybe they'll finally meet - right after this short word!

RUNKLES! HAAAAAhahahahahahaha

NitroGirls.com ad - do they even HAVE Nitro Girls anymore?

Jeff Jarrett gives us anxious - Russo tells us that they guy is serious! Or - wait - is it a guy? No, he definitely said "he wants his shot at the WCW title!" Russo says he'll find some way to get him out of this. Jarrett calls him J.J. Dillon! OOOOOH!

Is it Hacksaw Jim Duggan? Prob'ly not

Hey, did Hogan find Kidman? Is he lost again?

TOTAL PACKAGE (with Liz) v. "THE FRANCHISE" SHANE DOUGLAS - as Package comes out to music and lighting (see...oh never mind) commentators speculate that maybe it's someone from another promotion - hey, it's not Chyna, is it? Naah. Douglas comes out to some old Styx, I think. Lockup, to the corner - referee "Blind" Billy Silverman tries to separate these two but doesn't have much luck. Package blocks and punches. Head to the opposite corner, head to the adjacent corner, running his head along the top rope - big gutshot, big right, punch, punch, punch, kick, kick, kick, all right, that's it for me. How many times do you hear them saying "the fans want the disqualification rule relaxed," and do you think to yourself, "hey, wait, I'M a fan! They didn't ask ME!" BUFF IS THE STUFF makes the predictable run-in and gets showered with garbage on his way to the ring. Commentators talk about Bagwell's pyro and music as if Package didn't get any. Golota by Douglas, but they don't DQ for that now. Trash all OVER the place - I guess that's what happens when you drop several cases of crumple-able paper on the crowd at the beginning of the night. There's a guy dressed like Sting in the crowd! But if Russo interferes, it's a tag team title change - why, that must be somebody else then. HE HIT DOUGLAS!! OH MAN, WHAT A SWERVE! Luger with a powerslam - oh, it's just THE MAN. I didn't expect THAT, what with them being tag team partners and all. Silverman calls for the bell (relaxed DQ -3:41) and now VIC VENOM is out to pull Douglas to safety, but not before Team Package gets a few stomps in before he's pulled out. "Screw you, Flair!" Bagwell and Douglas ask Russo where the hell he was - Russo reminds them of the stip - they must have forgotten it...

Meanwhile, we look out in a parking garage, where Hulk Hogan is WALKING! The Hummer is at the other end...oh, BULLSHIT. He's gonna get there before the end of this ad break.

When we come back, Hogan is punching Kidman - Torrie with a 2x4 from behind - oops, no effect. Hogan has her by the neck, and he's ready to deck her, but Kidman hits him from behind. His flurry is short, as Hogan regains control, runs him into the wall, into a trash dumpster, choking him out. "We don't wrestle anymore in WCW" - well, NO SHIT. We cut to a look over Eric Bischoff's shoulder. Hogan still destroying Kidman. This is how they give people pushes. Hogan dumps Kidman into a dumpster and advances on Bischoff, who quickly steps into the Hummer - but it wouldn't start! Bischoff sprints up and out of the building. Hogan gratuitously swears some more, piles into the Hummer...and runs into the dumpster! And again - and again. And now Hogan drives off, in the direction of Bischoff...

Kidman is loaded onto a gurney from the dumpster (how'd they get him onto it from inside the dumpster, by the way?) Torrie acts (ha) (don't ha, come on) (oh, all right) ACTS concerned.

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. ? for the World Heavyweight championship - the problem with these mysteries...they so SELDOM seem to live up to all the buildup. Hey! You don't think...you don't think it's *Savio Vega*, do ya? Oops, the music gives it away - it's SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with six - err, three hooches) - the #1 Contender as well as the NEW United States Heavyweight champion. "Is the New Blood disintegrating before our very eyes?" Yeah, A WHOLE WEEK LATER. WOW! Lockup, Stiener muscles him into the corner, kick, kick, kick, kick, right, right, right, right, right, words for referee "Blind" Nick Patrick. Off the ropes, clothesline. Elbowdrop. Press - and drop. Kick, into the opposite corner, Jarrett puts up the boots - stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, Jarrett to the second rope - double axehandle. "Jarrett sux" chant - which isn't muted (thank you). Off the ropes, back elbow. Crossbody off the second rope - for 2. Standing dropkick by Jarrett. Into the corner, Jarrett up - but caught on the shoulder - Steiner rams his ass into the top turnbuckle - now tied to the Tree of Woe, Steiner to the outside and pulling back on his head. Steiner shares a moment with a lucky fan at ringside. Back in the ring - belly-to-belly suplex - for 2. Jarrett's trick knee acts up to turn the tide - off the ropes, sleeper, Steiner turns into it, drops, and HE Golotas Jarrett. Steiner Recliner! Cue the run-in, I think - sure enough, it's BOOKA T. with an axe kick on Steiner (relaxed DQ 3:27) - both men are laid out. Booker says to Jarrett, "You welcome, punk." Hey, give them credit - for once, they don't feel like they need to explain it - like we can actually figure it out for ourselves.

And yet, on the other hand...what good does it to for them to talk to us about the relaxed disqualification rule if you STILL have a MAJORITY of the matches end in a DQ?

DON'T YOU GET IT???????

Backstage, Hogan has a lead pipe - AND HE'S WALKING! And swinging - oops, took out his "supposed to be out of the frame" lighting source for the second week in a row

Jeff Jarrett T shirt ad - still has a lot of NWO in it, doesn't it?

Still shots of Spring Stampede

Hey, you thought this show was over? No, no, our main event is backstage, where Hogan has caught up to Bischoff! Lookithimscoot! Why, they're going to make it down the aisle! Bischoff gets beaned right in the head with a crumpled out piece of paper - nice shot, there. Hogan drops his pipe on the way to the ring - Bischoff begs off. Kick by Hogan! Credits are up - and gone - Hogan grabs Bischoff by the neck - but VIC VENOM comes out wih a bat - oh, look, here's BRET CLARKE come out with a chair - Hart in the ring - Hogan lets up on Bischoff just a bit as Hart picks up his chair - he's gonna swing...

And they fade to black with a whopping two minutes of overtime in the bank.

Does anybody even CARE what he does?

I wonder if he continued the swing for people in the arena.

You are spared a Thunder report thanks to the NBA. Just as well, it'd probably just be another show of five under five-minute (hell, except for one, under FOUR minute) matches, including three relaxed disqualifications, one ref bump and one bout of "mysterious tables."

See you next week!