Stories of pride and passion - of killers and kings - of this'n'that'n'the other thing - hey where the hell is Nitro? I didn't tune in to see this kind of network GRANDSTANDING!! ***THAT'S WHAT UPN IS FOR!!!!***

TV-14-DL (no "V" means no "wrestling") - Highlight package from last week - or should I put that word in quotes? There was a close captioned symbol in here - also the phrase "slap your nuts" was not muted. They chose to give us the magic phone AND the rappel...interesting choices...

Opening Logo

Vampiro and Sting are brawling backstage! My God! My God! Hey! For no apparent reason, Bam Bam Bigelow's back there, too! Oops! NO, see we're not SUPPOSED to see him - DON'T track with Bigelow! He's not IN this scene! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO oh well

Light the lights - PYRO IS EXPENSIVE AND WE ARE LIVE from the Blue Cross Arena in Rochester, NY 24.4.2K, broadcast on TNT - THIS - IS - MYNDY NYTRY!

WORLD HARDCORE TITLE MATCH: TERRY FUNK v. TRIPPA B - why, what a shock - Bigelow's in this match! We go a whopping SIX SECONDS before THE NEW GODFATHER OF SOUL runs out to attempt to run in with some weak garbage can lid shots before being put out of the picture. "Beyond the Mat" is mentioned by way of burying Funk - I mean, putting over his INCREDIBLE resilience. Whoops, the sign police are out and wandering the front row - change cameras! For some reason, Cat cartwheel kicks *Bigelow*, and Funk - who's wearing a trash can, by the way - pins him. (1:59) If you wanted more play-by-play, perhaps you should have booked this match as well. Post match, Cat gets in the ring. More damage to Bigelow? Gonna get a piece of Funk? No, he...asks them to play his music so he can dance. Obviously, the feedback came back to the people in charge of this show, and it overwhelmingly said "start the show with a match." So, they gave us this - I wonder who thought THIS would qualify...

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, SCOTT HUDSON & PUTS CRZ OVER IN CHAT ROOMS - last week, we went off the air because we simply couldn't stay one second past two minutes of overtime - anyway, they've got the footage THIS week, and that footage *plainly* shows that Hart hit........Hogan. This week on Thunder, an exclusive interview with Hart taped from Calgary! That's right, you get NOTHING for two days and you'll LIKE it! But for tonight...

BILLY KIDMAN & TORRIE SAMUDA walk out to the ring. Kidman gives a respectful pause in an attempt to cultivate a following - or some boos, who can say. "Hulk Hogan - last week, I dared you to meet me in the parking lot so we can settle it man to man. And what did you do? I'll tell you what you did. You realised that Billy Kidman is more of a man than you could ever handle. And that's why you tried to run me over with the Hummer. Well, you damn near killed me - and I'm here tonight. So if you think that these people still wanna see the red and yellow - well, I'll tell you what, TERRY. You bring the yellow, and I'll supply the red - your blood. Because tonight, I start it, and at Slamboree I finish it - BROTHER." Kidman holds his (taped) ribs for our benefit.

Jarrett, Bischoff and Kimberly are WALKING! Bischoff stops by a monitor and asks it "what the hell is Kidman up to? Is he out of his mind?" Kim asks how she looks and Eric suggests she lose the jacket - or was that me just daydreaming?

Back in the office, Norman Smiley tries to state his case for Vince Russo - all he wants is one chance to win the hardcore championship. Russo says to pick a partner of his choice, and they'll take on Terry Funk for the hardcore title at Slamboree. Huh? Russo: "What a goof..."

JEDOUBLEREDOUBLE JADOUBLEREDOUBLET leads out CRACKA EAZY-E & KIMBRRLY (sans jacket - hoo-ah!) to the ring. Kimberly carries some giant breasts - I mean, papers - with her. She's bustier - I mean, wearing a bustier... Bischoff is wearing a mic on his lapel, because he's TOO COOL to have to carry a mic in his hands.

Meanwhile, Russo is accosted by Brian & Bryan. "We want a title shot - and we want it tonight!" Hey, Clarke's not a mute anymore. Russo says they'll get the title shot, but he's got something for them to do first...

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (no Savage), Geico, Geico again, Toaster Breaks from Hot Pockets, and America (ha!) Online!

HERE'S YOUR SOUNDBITE, LARRY: "Ready to Rumble," the movie on which WCW is placing a major chunk of storyline action, earned a rather paltry $994,671 over its third weekend in release - earning it *18th* place on the earnings list. In WCW, this is what they call "striking while the iron is hot."

Thank you! I'll be here all week!

Who's bringing the close captioning? MEINEKE, that's who!

Here's a replay of the kabong, the almost instantaneous run-in by Arquette (who hits like a girl), the shove by Jarrett, the run-in by Kanyon...whoops, can't show that - cut to

Jeff Jarrett asks Eric Bischoff if he's lost his mind. Bischoff says it's only David Arquette (no big deal), and they've got other, bigger problems. Then he asks him to go fetch Kidman.

Meanwhile, Sting is WALKING! And he's looking for Vampiro! Hey, maybe this will last the whole two hours like Hogan looking for Kidman - or Hogan looking for Bischoff - or or or...

"HARD KNOX" CHRIS CANDIDO & SUNNY DONNA v. THE ACRONYM & PAISLEY - Tammy gets no chyron luv - maybe they haven't figured out what they'll call her yet? She DOES get THE STICK, however: "Hey y'all, didja miss me? Y'know, it's about time WCW brought in a REAL lady that knows how to titillate all the guys out there. And Paisley, you can learn a thing or two from me, because honey, you obviously have no idea what the men here want to see - I'M BACK."

Wow! Sting is still WALKING! With INTENSITY!

We cut back to Tammy trying to look sexy - good Lord, she's the new Missy Hyatt! Well, now Metallica plays and out bounds (THIS IS) STING, walking to the ring (with music and lighting) - Candido gets a Scorpion Death Drop. Why? Maybe he'll take the mic and splain it to us. "Iiiiiiiiiiiiit's SHOWTIME! Vampiro - you little punk, you little kid, you little wimp. You and I need to have another conversation. You learn pretty quick, but I want you back out here tonight because it's Monday NITRO! And I figure since you are VamPYRO, the vampire, why don't we just make this match a FIRST BLUUD match - see ya in a while, Vamp!" Now play the Metallica! Hey, what about Candido?

Kanyon and Page pump Arquette up. "I've always wanted to wrestle, man! I'm gonna kill him! I'm gonna kill him!" Then, I think he makes a joke, but they fade out and I can't hear them over the music anyway - maybe something about clothes? I dunno

By the way, I didn't get to it during the "action" of the previous match, but it was announced that Arquette/Bischoff is going to lead off the second hour.

Arquette/Bischoff is going to be on when RAW starts.

Arquette/Bischoff is going to air at the top of the hour.

When the opposition's program starts, the counterprogramming will be the match between David Arquette and Eric Bischoff.

Hoo boy...

Moments Ago, Sting came out and Slop Dropped Candido, because he wanted to issue a First Blood challenge to Vampiro. No, REALLY - that's how it went down! No foolin'!

Not only is tonight shaping up to be one of the biggest, most thrilling Monday nights in the history of Nitro (guess who said THAT one)...at the top of the hour, David Arquette will take on Eric Bischoff!

TEAM PACKAGE (with Liz) v. KRONIC - Yep, they're gonna spell it THAT way - remember, friends, you can TRADEMARK misspellings! They still have that REALLY COOL music, by the way. For the second time tonight, commentators hype up Bischoff's martial arts skills. Pier Four Brawl breaks out - MISS HANCOCK comes out approximately thirteen seconds into the matchup - see, you have to do that when you only get two minutes to have the match. BUFF IS THE STUFF also provides a run-in - Liz keeps him and his bat away from Package, but referee "Blind" Charles Robinson is distracted watching all this, and they miss SHANE DOUGLAS taking HIS bat to Flair. Kronic hits their version of the double uranage, now known as "High Time," (ooh! EDGY!) and Flair is covered by Adams for the pin, even though the bell ring earlier - guess that was a mistake. (1:23) To make up for it, the bell rings TEN MILLION times post-match. Douglas & Bagwell actually hand their bats and turn their backs to Brian & Bryan - and then they have the AUDACITY to be SURPRISED when Kronic goes AFTER them! Ho ho!

"High Time." "Kronic."

GENE O. works tonight! He stands backstage with Vampiro. When will Pepsi sue him for wearing that shirt? How come Okerlund find him when Sting can't? "Sting - I know you're watching - you are so weak - you are so old - you're so WACK - there is nothing more that I would like to do to stick my fingers in your eye until you bleed like a stuffed pig 'til you scream like a little BITCH! You're entering my world - and I am sick - and I am twisted - and I'm a little freaky - and I'm about to have a panic attack. I can't stand things like this! Sting - like the spider said to the fly...come - heh heh heh heh heh - come into my web, boy!"

Meanwhile, Bischoff takes Kidman to task for making his own matches without going through them first. Was that Awesome back there?

JOBBED TO JOBBED TO JOBBED TO JUSTIN CREDIBLE and BILLY KIDMAN (with Torrie Samuda) v. YOU KNOW WHO & ? - Mike Awesome powerwalks out like the world's largest nebbish. Kidman comes out in Hogan shirt and mocking the standard Hogan posedown. It is announced that Team Package was sent out for observation due to their tremendous injuries...bats'll do that. Hey, is that OCTAGON in the crowd? Oh, no it's just some guy in a mask - sorry. Got excited for nothing, there. I'm gonna guess that Hogan's partner will be......Sid? Hogan wears a vest with "Bollea" on the lapel (unfortunately, turned downward so no one can read it but me) and "F.U.N.B." on the back. "The N.B. stands for New Blood - YOU figure out what the F.U. stands for!" Hogan, because he's Hogan, clears the ring of both men despite a brutal doubleteam that lasts a good fifteen seconds, then he goes outside. Awesome tries to get it back, but Hogan's a man possessed. Back in the ring with Awesome, and Kidman deciding to hang back. It's a big clothesline! Hogan's weight belt is off - whip! Whip! Whip! And now he's choking him with it and punching away. Kidman drops off the apron when Hogan approaches. Awesome kicking back - whip attempt - Hogan holds on - NOW he goes to the opposite corner - but the boot is up. Backdrop suplex! Choke! Referee "Blind" Billy Silverman tells him to break the choke, so he goes for the weight belt again - Kidman drops to the floor again, then remembers to hold his ribs to tell us a story. Choke with the weight belt combined with a vicious face rake. Crowd chanting "Hogan," yup. Awesome has the belt - Hogan with a right, Awesome with a right with the buckle of the belt, buckle, buckle, buckle, buckle, buckle, losing the belt, right, right, right, right, Hogan's trick knee acts up. Clothesline from Hogan. Hogan mounts Awesome, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right - crowd counts to ten here. Another lunge at Kidman, another drop to the floor. Awesome tries to bull Hogan into the corner. Right, right, right, Kidman in to pepper him with rights and add to the beating. Crowd boos. Awesome with a right that drops Hogan - elbowdrop - 1, 2, no. Double whip into the ropes, Hogan ducks and double clotheslines both men. Kidman rolls out. Right, right, right, winding up - big right, Awesome goes down. Double chop to the throat by Hogan. Now we're up in the corner for a ten punch count along - I wonder if he'll stop at nine and munch on him - whoops, Kidman in from behind to break it up at seven. Right is blocked, Hogan puts him down with one, and to the floor with a second - Awesome spins him around, right, kick, splash - 1, 2, kickout. Awesome with the belt - whip! Whip! Whip! Whip! Whip! Whip! Hogan goes to the eyes. BACK RAKE! Into the ropes, big boot! It's so funny to listen to the Mark bury his own product in the hopes of sounding cool. Scoop and a slam - elbowdrop, elbowdrop, standing on the face. Motioning to Kidman, who won't get any closer than just off the floor. Another face rake, and Hogan puts him to the outside - but Awesome's on his feet. Hogan outside, shove, right, head to the commentary table, big-time face rake, bringing him over to make a point, into the ringpost, Awesome with a face rake, clubbing blows - whip is reversed and Awesome hits the barricade. Eyepoke by Awesome - Kidman over with a WHACK of the chair. Let's give Hogan credit - he bladed off camera this time. Both men stomp on Hogan, punches, crowd chanting "Ho Gan" - rolled back in the ring - Kidman has the belt - WHIP! Whip! Clubbing blow, Awesome beats him down, Kidman mounts him and punches away while Awesome goes hunting for furniture. Table is out and brought into the ring while Kidman stomps on him. The table is set up while Kidman works over Hogan with punches and kicks.

Bischoff, Kimberly and Jarrett are WALKING!

Meanwhile, Page, Kanyon and Arquette are WALKING! No, wait, Kanyon's gonna hang back.

Promotional consideration paid for by Motel 6, Judge Wapner's cash scam, Western Union Money Transfer, and Hot Pockets from Hot Pockets!

The Castrol GTX replay is the Awesome Bomb on the table and Kidman's plancha onto Hogan through a table.

CRACKA EAZY-E (with the TV-14-DL ratings box, Kimbrrly, Jedoublef Jadoubleredoublet, and the theme from "NWO Nitro") v. DAVID ARQUETTE (with Diamond Dallas Page & Bif Naked's Twisted Sister cover video) - Sign in Crowd: "Nothing Interesting: Turn Raw On." Arquette takes the time to scare a child in the front row on his way to the ring. If this quarter tanks, will Hogan blame Bischoff - or vice versa? This may not mean anything, but the ref is Mark Johnson. Arquette turns to face Jarrett on the outside after he grabs his ankle, and Bischoff lands a clubbing forearm to the back. Martial arts kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, standing on the neck. Bischoff's a little paunchy, ain't he? Arquette spears Bischoff. Strange, he looks like he's setting up for - holy shit, he IS doing the Wurm! Crowd knows exactly when to say "HOO HOO HOO," even though Arquette puts a lot more crotch into his setup... also, he ends it with an elbowdrop. Cover - 1, 2, Jarrett pulls him out. Something gets muted here. THEN Page runs in with a clothesline, which unfortunately hits Johnson when Jarrett arranges for the collision. Then he waffles him with the title belt. Jarrett gets in the ring with his gee-tar while Arquette looks on. Pulling up Bischoff (to use as a shield?) but Bischoff gets an open shot in on his Cox. Now pulling him up to hold him for the inevitable "Kabong gong wrong" - sure enough, Arquette slips free and Bischoff takes the brunt of the blow. CHRIS KANYON is back out and taking care of Jarrett. Mickey Jaye is out...1, 2, 3! (2:10) Only Hogan and Bischoff get to go over two minutes! The lights go out and the "lightning" effect interrupts the celebration - why, it's (THIS IS) STING! Up in the rafters! He's - he's WATCHING!

Thunder ad - guess I don't get out of it this week...

Moments Ago, two non-wrestlers had a non-wrestling match - dig it. KABONG! Three angles, why not? Hudson actually says "what ring presence!" when referring to Arquette. Snicker snicker.

SOME BLONDE interviews Arquette backstage - it's champagne all around. Where's DDP? He's preparing for his title defense! Err, I think he meant "title shot." Oh well. That's why he's an actor.

Meanwhile, Gene O. has some words with Jeff Jarrett and Eric Bischoff, who are doing a lot of arguing. Thankfully, NO liquids are poured over Okerlund.

BIG POPPA PUMP (and four - no, two hooches) comes to the ring. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week and Scott Steiner not winning the title, thanks to Booker's intervention. Steiner's theme is a police siren and a beat. Not like Saturn's, no - why'd you ask me THAT? Sheesh. There are people who BEG me to translate Steiner into English - for you, my friends, this transcript: "You know last night, I had a coupla my freaks call me from New York City, wantin' a chance to ride a legend - wantin' a chance to roll with me, so last night at Club Caligula, I was like a roller coaster goin' up and down, hittin' switches on bitches 'til they call me the Daddy (that's the Big Bad Booty Daddy). And when I kicked 'em out the door at a quarter past four, they *believed* there was nothin' finer than Scott Steiner. But I went there for two reasons - the other one bein' to find your jive ass, Booker T, because last week you cost me the World Championship, so this week, it's my payback, and tonight I'm gonna do something special, 'cause I'm gonna stick this size 12 so far up your (ass) you're gonna be flossin' with my shoelaces. So, Booker T, I don't care if you're trying to get on the good side of Eazy E and Vince Russo; in reality what you did - you got on my bad side. So Booker T, get your ass out here. C'mon, Booker T, I would rather beat your ass in New York, 'cause Rochester sucks!" The music comes up and BOOKA T is out in street clothes. "Yo, listen up, Scott! First of all, this is not Detroit, this is Rochester, New York!" Crowd: "He said the name of our town!" "Now we take about last week and what I did, let's not make this personal, brother. What I did last week - that was business. We had Jeff Jarrett in the back runnin' around cryin' to Russo, tryin' his best to get out of the match witchoo - we had Bischoff tellin' me I better do something and do something quick to get on his good side, so the way I look at it, you was in the wrong place at the wrong time. But make no mistake, Scotty, I'm not apologising for what I did. I am my own man, and the way we do it in New York...[removes jacket]...if we can't get along, we can just get it on." Is it on? "Hold 'em up, hoochie. I don't need you skeezers in my face, I don't need you puttin' your hands on me, because everybody in this arena knows - if you put your hands on me, once you go black, you never go back." SLAP! Booker makes his Stevie Ray face, then grabs Midajah in a choke - Steiner is over with a forearm and it's on - I guess...Steiner pounds him down, saying "boy" a couple hundred times - Booker fights back as Tony says they're out of time for this segment and we have to break away for this break. Oh come on.

Jimmy Barron phones it in with 1-800-CAL-LATT - Birmingham's BJCC Arena hosts Nitro next week!

nitrogirls.com ad - you know, they aren't even USING the Nitro Girls, are they?

Moments Ago, the fight continued - this is during the break footage - Steiner got whipped into the barricade, then security separated them.

Page laces 'em up while Kanyon and Arquette talk him up - he looks kinda annoyed, actually

Meanwhile, Bagwell and Douglas are ready to leave...but Russo says they have a match and can't leave - he made a deal and all that. How happy are Bagwell & Douglas?

WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE: KRONIC v. BUFF

Tank Abbott is WALKING! Yeahbaby!

Sting STILL carries the power of the card!

YEAHBABY TANK YEAHBABY ABBOTT YEAHBABY walks to the ring, putting off our title match (ha) - Let Us Take You Back Two Weeks where Tank said "call me Ishmael," and last week to Bruce Wirtz having a bad day. "Cut the music! You know what, we're going on three shows, Bill Goldberg, and you haven't been around. In fact, I think you should change your name to Bill Ghostberg! Let me tell you right now, while you're sittin' at home with your yellow streak - you look into the camera, you look into my eyes, and you'll see a real warrior...I'm gonna kick someone's ass tonight because o' YOU, Bill - bring it on - bring it on. Just remember, Bill, while you're sitting' at home, this is all on your shoulders...and I'm havin' fun doin' it." He puts the mic down and looks for a victim. I bet it's somebody from the WCW.com announce crew...why else would they have it there? The commentators scatter. Abbott almost gets hold of a floor director, but he runs off. Aww, shit - not 1 BOB RYDER. Abbott tosses a laptop, grabs Ryder and muscles him into the ring. What, has Abbot got a fetish for the fat white guys or something? JEREMY BORASH comes in and climbs on his back - Abbott looks to be enjoying it - runs him into the corner, back first - then takes him out with one right. And now Abbott takes out BILL BANKS with one punch as well. SECURITY decides there isn't anyone else to take - Schiavone publicly begs for Goldberg to return. I think I can sum this all up with a sign in the crowd: "WAIT - THIS ISN'T EMERIL LIVE"

If you like running through the graveyard...you might like buying this Vampiro T-shirt

"Moments Ago" - this time we DO get a camera angle which shows Awesome ripping off the door. I wonder if they'll find some way to strip Page of the title on Wednesday?

JOBBIN' VAMPEPSI v. (THIS IS) STING in a First Blood Match - Sting rappels to the floor, then has enough trouble with his rigging to allow Vampiro to get out of the ring, walk over and kick him, pound, pound, both men in the ring, right hand by Vampiro, both men kick, now Sting punches, Sting in control, punch, running clothesline, Vampiro goes outside and plays with the WCW.com set. Back in - Sting all over him with kicks - Sting puts him through the ropes to the floor, and now he's frustrated. And now the shirts and trenchcoats are off! Sting's still wearing his flak jacket, though...Vampiro back in, Sting with a kick, Campiro punch, Sting punch, going to the eyes, vertical suplex, stomping on the hand (sorta) and through the ropes to the floor AGAIN.