Let's say that you're Pepsi Cola, and you're trying to take the cola market share away from Coca-Cola.

To this end, you put out a lot of statements like this:

Oh boy! Courteney Cox and David Arquette share a private moment with the all-seeing eye of the WCW cameras and the TV-14-DL ratings box. "David, come on - you could get hurt, you could get killed, this is ridiculous." "I know - I just wish this belt fit a little better." "Yeah, I'll bet you do - well, you know why it doesn't? You're not a wrestler!" "Now, baby, is that any way to talk to the HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD?" "Oh good, Go - come on."

"Highlights" from Thunder, along with a closed captioned logo. Go read the report if you're really interested in it.

Nitro Grrl-less opening graphic

"Welcome to day number five in the unbelievable title reign of new world champion David Arquette!" That's it, I'm outta here...

Outside, the car Diamond Dallas Page is driving with Arquette and Kanyon is confronted by the limousine carrying Russo, Awesome, Jarrett, Kimberly, Liz, Bischoff, Kidman - everybody gets out but before anything happens, ANOTHER car squeals into the picture - some kinda muscle car, which ramrods the limo. We cut to another angle (when the motor mysteriously "cuts out") to see Hulk Hogan exiting. Kidman shoves Awesome into Hogan, and they start brawling. We see Arquett and Page working on Jarrett. Kidman and Kanyon go at it. Bischoff, Russo, and the women pile into Page's car while security works on separating all the fighting folk.

Light the pyro (including some screaming, streaming ones - just like on RAW! - but different, 'cause they go UP instead of DOWN) - we are LIVE from the Vernon Jefferson center in Birmingham, AL - wait, that can't be right...it's the BJCC, isn't it? Oh well - 1.5.2K and this....is Monday Nitro

CROWBAR v. SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY & SOME GUY IN A MASCOT OUTFIT - it's a guy in a dog's head. That's the mystery partner? Crowbar dropkicks Smiley, gutshot to the mascot, then he puts his head between the ropes and wedges him in there, taking him out. What's the crowd booing at? Crowbar back to Smiley - right, right, into the corner, Smiley up and over, dancing, and Crowbar throws a garbage can at him. Smiley manages to swoop slam Crowbar on the can. Crowbar thrown over - but Crowbar skins the cat and takes Smiley outside with a Headscissors takeover. WOW! THE PPV GRAPHICS ARE BACK! SLAMBOREE 6 DAYS UNTIL! Well, better than "days until 6," I guess. Crowbar tries taking a garbage can lid to the mascot head, but I don't think it does any damage. Smiley with a chair. Hudson speculates that perhaps it's the Shockmaster in there. Smiley whips Crowbar into two chairs. Cover - 1, 2 - no. I guess this is a hardcore, falls count anywhere match. It helps when they TELL us these things, right? Ah, who cares. Trashcan lid to Smiley! Trashcan lid! Crowbar on the apron - running splash to the floor! Cover - 1, 2, no. Crowbar with a kendo stick. Tony: "Have you ever seen anything like this, fans?" Maybe we SHOULD be spending more time watching the guy in the head unable to escape the ring ropes than the actual action, right? Crowbar puts the stick down and runs at Smiley - who holds up a chair. Crowbar DOES manage to put the kendo stick in a Golota area. Crowbar does Smiley's "doin' it in da butt and smackin' by bitch up" to the mascot - Smiley up from behind with the kendo stick and now HE does *Crowbar* in da butt while he's doing the mascot in the butt. (I hear that in the biz they call this "a Nitro moment.") Dueling crossbody blocks and both Smiley and Crowbar are down. Crowbar gets the upper hand as the mascot FINALLY escapes from the ropes. Crowbar tries a kendo stick shot - no effect. Crowbar puts Smiley's jersey over the dog head and whacks him again - no effect. Garbage can thrown at him. Scoop - and a slam. Crowbar ready to go up top - but Smiley crotches him. Smiley to the second rope - but Crowbar turns it in midair and lands on him. Everybody rolls around in pain, and referee "Blind" Nick Patrick walks over to the mascot guy to tell him his spot it up - the mascot dutifully crawls over to the schoolboy position where Smiley can fall backwards - but it works out all right, as he manages to roll up Crowbar on the followthrough for the "surprise" pin. (3:58) Would you pay money to see these two guys take on Terry Funk on Sunday?

This portion of Monday Nitro is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily!

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, SCOTT HUDSON and SCOTT HALL. Tonight, David Arquette SPEAKS! Hudson dares to tell us that this is "pro wrestling." Schiavone proclaims Thunder "a great moment in sports entertainment!"

Backstage, Arquette, Page & Kanyon are WALKING! Arquette tells Page that he just realises he could have gotten killed. "I don't deserve to be the WCW Heavyweight champion!" "I know, kid - let's go..."

Meanwhile, Jarrett, Bischoff, Kimberly, Russo, Liz and two security guys (to keep Liz from running away) - are - WALKING!

Meanwhile, Team Package - is - WALKING!

Meanwhile - oh, wait, this is on tape - "from the set of 3,000 Miles to Graceland" - Courteney Cox and David Arquette have another conversation about Arquette going to Birmingham. Somebody walks by - I guess that's Kurt Russell - and says something about "nude love scene" or something - I dunno. Cox: "Kurt - did you know that David was the WCW World Champion?" Kurt, who must deep down be a real fan of wrestling...laughs. Him and all the other fans, hiyo! Arquette follows after him with a chair as Cox once again proclaims "You're not a wrestler!"

Local time goes to UPN 44 - advertising the local presentation of "WWF SmackDown!"

Shawn Stasiak vignette - the word "perfect" is said four times, so YOU figure it out. Stasiak says he's going to break the free throw record tonight. Stay tuned...

DAVID ARQUETTE, DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE & CHRIS "CHAMPAGNE" KANYON walk to the ring to Bif Naked's "We're Not Gonna Take It," - the "Ready to Rumble" soundtrack gets the "WWF Aggression" treatment by appearing in the corner during the entrance. Ahh, it WAS Kurt Russell. Crowd reaction is...tepid. "All riiiiiiiiight! Hey Birmingham, Alabama - the hometown of my wife, Courteney! I can't tell you how much of a dream come true this is for me to have this belt - and the past seven days have just been amazing, but what's been best is the way the fans have treated me - you've really been incredible. But listen, I understand that I'm an entertainer - not a sports entertainer. And after talkin' with Dallas and Kanyon, tonight I'm gonna relinquish the belt and give up the title. I don't deserve it - these guys deserve it - maybe Booker T. deserves it - but I don't deserve it. Now, I'm gonna relinquish this belt, so I'm gonna put it up for grabs the DDP and Jeff Jarrett in the three cage match AT SLAMBOREE, BABY! Are you ready to rumble? I'm relinquishing the title tonight." As they go to leave....as if on cue, the music plays and JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET is out, along with CRACKA EAZY-E, KIMBRRLY, VIC VENOM, LIZ & TWO SECURITY DUDES. Russo has Liz in cuffs and on a leash. Jarrett tells Arquette he doesn't make the rule around here, they do. Bischoff says that he and Russo have decided that at the Slamboree triple cage match, it'll be a three-way dance with Jarrett, "DDPuke" ... and Arquette. THE NARCISSIST interrupts proceedings at this point to chase Russo and Liz out through the crowd. Bischoff goes back to talking and says that Arquette needs a tuneup match tonight...him...and Tank Abbott. Bischoff makes his "I'm the funniest man in the world" laugh as YEAHBABY TANK ABBOTT YEAHBABY walks out. Page takes the mic and gets muted with "asshole," then says that Arquette isn't getting in the ring tonight. Abbott tries to get a word in, Page tells him to shut up, calls him "billy goat," and next thing you know, Abbott and Page are fighting, Arquette and Bischoff are fighting, and Jarrett and Kanyon are fighting. Bring out SECURITY . Crowd boos, then chants "Cold Beer." Abbott says "Page - you wanna go? We can go. Yeah, we'll go tonight! 'cept there's gonna be a stipulation - you win, your little Hollywood punk boy there gets off easy - *I* win, he's gonna die 'cause I'm gonna tear his head off!" Abbott's music plays again.

Total Package is WALKING! He's looking for Russo and Liz - EVERY *FUCKING* SHOW THEY *HAVE* TO HAVE SOME GUY WALKING AROUND LOOKING FOR SOME OTHER GUY

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Boston Market TV dinners, Croissant Pockets from Hot Pockets, America (ha!) Online, and Super Soakers

Close captioning sponsored by George Foreman's favourite brake shop - MEINEKE!

Shawn Stasiak tells us he's "ab-(fondles abs)-solutely perfect" a few more times and shoots some more free throws. Hey, remember when Lenny Lane was bringing that "Ab-Solution" to the ring?

Eric Bischoff, the "Knute Freaking Rockne of professional wrestling," tells Hugh Morrus that he knows what teamwork is all about, and tonight he's going to teach him. Tonight, Morrus, Steiner and Jarrett are booked in a three-way dance, and if any of his friends interfere in the match, he'll fire all of them.

From a graveyard and in black and white grain-o-vision, a few words from Vampiro. "Can you smell that? Can you feel that? Can you taste it? Do you want it? Sting...this is my dream. This is our dream. It's my home. Sting...will you come and play? I know you will. I know you want to. Come on, Sting. 'cause I know curiosity...killed the Scorpion."

Western Union Slamboree ad #2 - at least now, the title is in play in the cage match, so this makes a LITTLE more sense

VIC VENOM leads out LIZ (who fights a bit more this time) & HER SECURITY. "Cut the music! Lex, I'm gonna make this short and I'm gonna make it sweet. Knock it off, Liz, know your place. I don't sweat you, Lex, and I'm not gonna hide from you all night, so what I'm doing is tonight, I am calling you out in this ring. And Lex, I promise you one thing - I will Rack your ass!" Liz openly laughs out loud - everybody walks off. Sign in crowd "Russo's Only Fan" - you ain't kiddin' buddy.

Commentators all think Russo's nuts.

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with four - no, two ladies) v. HUGH MORRUS in a three-way dance - Steiner beats up random signs - he ALMOST takes on the "ROID RAGE" sign but thinks better of it. Scott Steiner: master of subtle humour. "Now if I see any more signs like this [BIG POPPA PUMP SUCKS], I'm gonna come out here and do what I do best, and that's kickin' white trash, trailor park ass. This best time I ever had in Alabama is when I left it!" I guess the group is called "Misfits in Action," since two different people have referred to them as that. Steiner and Jarrett team up to beat down Morrus.

We go to the graveyard, where Sting is calling out Vampiro. Gosh, I hope this is the right graveyard! And I hope he doesn't find Vampiro before the end of this commercial break!

Man, ANOTHER local spot sold to the WWF - this one for WWF Judgment Day spot - it's 21 May!

During the Break, Bischoff broke up the celebration of the Misfits in Action by firing Hammer, Guerrero and LeRoux.

Backstage, Russo tells Liz not to watch him changing - that's what this cameraman over here is for!

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice - check that, the graveyard - "throughout the history of Sports Entertainment, there has never been a fight in a graveyard!" Tell that to Kane, Tony. Several exciting camera angle - now Vampiro is running off and Sting is giving chase. Vampiro ducking behind a wall - he's got a shovel. Sting jumps off the wall and gets waffled. Please, God, don't let this end in an open grave...repeated shovel shots. "My house." Shovel, shovel, dragging him over to an ...open grave...kick, shovel on the back - Vampiro pulls a headstone out of the ground (oh, please) and now we pause for this dramatic dialogue: Sting: Who are you? Vamprio: I'm the monster you should have been. - then he breaks the headstone into a million pieces on Sting's head, causing him to fall backwards into the open grave. "Time to do your time, Sting - checkin' in, checkin' out." Then he dumps a wheelbarrow on top. Vampiro hobbles off... "Is this the end of Sting?" We zoom in on the grave to see a Mecahnix glove emerging. "That's Sting's hand!" "HE'S ALIVE!"

Slamboree ad #3 - SAME ad

Moments Ago - graveyard

Ric Flair pumps up Total Package, who is pumping up himself

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (with TV-14-DL ratings box) v. YEAHBABY TANK YEAHBABY ABBOTT YEAHBABY -

Promotional consideration paid for by Boston market TV dinners, Lean Pockets from Hot Pockets, Motel 6 7/8, Targon mouthwash, and Boston Market TV dinners for a third time! Why not?

Thunder ad features David Arquette. Ugh. This week, Thunder's on an hour earlier - but my report will still be up around the same time, don't worry

NitroGirls.com spot - if this is the only time we see them, can we really call them the Nitro Girls? They must have fired one of them or something, since they removed all the "I'm (name)" bits - must be one of the ones I didn't know.

Page is gurneyed up - a random EMT tells the camera "we gotta get him to the emergency room NOW!" Hey, is that Richard Jewell? Naah

Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan has found Mike Awesome, and they're fighting. Yeah, you might have powerbombed him through a table, but THIS IS HULK HOGAN!

BILLY KIDMAN hits the ring. "You know, a simple 'thank you' from you people would be nice. 'Thanks, Billy, for taking Hulk Hogan and wiping (your ass) with him. Thanks, Billy, for taking Hogan's nothin'-happening nephew and kickin' the crap out of him. And thanks, Billy, for showin' us what the New Blood is all about.' Well I'm gonna tell you what the New Blood is all about. It's about takin' the so called 'heroes' of this business - the guys that've been calling themselves heroes for so long that the name stuck - guys like Hogan, Sting and Nash...you people don't get it. I'm the future! Show some respect to me! I'm the kingpin around here now! Taking those names like Nash and exposin' 'em for the washed up pieces of trash that they are. I'm just not gonna talk anymore. That's it! You wish you were that lucky. Well, Hogan, everybody knows that at Slamboree, with Eric Bischoff counting the 1-2-3 (again), that I'm gonna finish you off there, but tonight, if anybody in the back wants some New Blood...the Kid is lookin' for some action. Any takers?" We look backstage to see Terry Taylor stooging out Kidman to Kevin Nash. back to the ring. "...you stand alone at the top." After a bit more of this, the Wolfpac theme plays and out walks KEVIN NASH. Kidman tries to get in the first blow, but Nash absorbs the forearms and takes him down with a kneelift. In the corner, knee, knee, knee, pause to brush back the hair, elbow, elbow, hey you know if we're lucky he might frame this one - OH MAN!! HE FRAMED THE ELBOW!! Big beal. SLAMBOREE 6 DAYS UNTIL, by the way. Nash standing on Kidman's neck. Bring on the damn run-in already - hey, THIS is a new one - it's I HATE KONNAN & RAYMOND STEREO! Commentators give us the impression that these guys were released and don't work for WCW. Uh huh. Nash manges to turn it around and take out all three guys. Maybe they WISH they'd been released. Konnan disappears after a sidewalk slam, while Mysterio (who has bleached his hair) gives us a superball bounce off Nash's big boot. Now that the ring is cleared of all free agents, Nash has Kidman . Konnan up again, right hand, Kidman slips out of the ring while this goes on. Konnan and Mysterio run off - Nash hobbles off after them.

We cut backstage and pick up this chase. Konnan and Mysterio run -

Slamboree ad #4

When we come back, outside the building Nash is working over Mysterio and Konnan - hopefully for allowing themselves to take part in this stupid segment. I think he's calling Mysterio "Sisqo" - NASH STILL HAS STREET CRED! I mean, I can see how they would use this segment to try to make the PREVIOUS segment look like it didn't come off horribly wrong...except that unfortunately, it begs the question of why Nash is bothering with these two free agent chumps when his issue is really with Kidman? By the way, you have to admit that it really gets the New Blood over to see Nash deal with these guys so handily, doesn't it?

VIC VENOM (With Liz) v. THE NARCISSIST (with The Man) - Fine, I'll mention the sign. "VINCE RUSSO SLEEPS WITH GOATS (I HAVE PROOF)" Vince would like to say a few words before the festivities begin. "First of all, Ric Flair, I first wanna say - I WILL interfere at Slamboree, and I'm lookin' forward to five minues of kicking YOUR ass. Now as far as Lex goes, it's real simple, Lex: you beat me tonight, I give you the key to Liz." Russo goes to remove his Yankee jacket, but stops. "Wait a minute, Liz, do your job. Do me, baby!" "Hey Russo, you're from New York, right? Well you can even understand this, kiss my Kentucky a--" Russo pulls away the mic. "C'mon, Lex! I'm ready! Bring it! Bring it! Bring it! C'mon!" As Package and Flair walk down the aisle with no music or lighting, we look behind to see BUFF IS THE STUFF & SHANE DOUGLAS running up on Flair from behind and punking him out, while A COUPLE DOZEN SECURITY GUYS appear between Package and Russo and attempt to restrain HIM. Luger powers through them once - but they swarm. Package gets maced (I think - they didn't helpfully label the can MACE for our benefit) and cuffed, and Russo invites the tag team champions into the ring to get some. Douglas does the "headbutt to the graun" spot that he taught to D-Von Dudley. Bagwell Slop Drops Package as well. Miss Elizabeth goes over to check on Package. "What the hell, wait a minute - what are you doin', Liz? Finish him! Finish him, he's pathetic..." and he actually *hands her the bat* as if she'll go for that. She whacks Russo, grabs the other end of her leash and runs by ALL the security guys and back up the ramp. Some more stuff gets muted as all the security guys stand in the ring. And NOW, out comes KRONNYKKKK to take on all the security guys in the ring, who have apparently lost their mace, since they all go down. Bagwell & Douglas decide to take off somewhere in here and we're treated to an extended beatdown sequence. Adams DOES get off an impressive press with reps on one of the guys before throwing him outside onto some other security folks. The madness ends when some COPS come in and Clarke and Adams end up getting maced. Hudson apparently gets maced as well, 'cause he slips in a "shit."

Meanwhile, in the dressing room, Arquette panics about facing Tank Abbott - Kanyon says he'll "think of something."

Wanna see WCW live? Tomorrow, they're in Memphis for Thunder! On Thursday, tickets go on sale for Nitro in Atlanta, tickets on sale Friday for Little Rock, and Thunder in Boise, and tickets on sale Saturday for Nitro in Salt Lake City!

Outside, Nash takes a crowbar to the windows of the truck - he wanted to use his bare arm and take a Goldberg-esque vacation, but they wouldn't allow it. Konnan's laid out in the front seat, apparently. We also see Rey try to hide under the limo directly behind the truck.

Meanwhile, the cops drag out Clarke, Adams and Package. What did Package do?

JOBBIN' VAMPIRO walks out - has he got a bad wheel?

Tank Abbott - IS - WALKING!!

Meanwhile, Arquette and Kanyon are WALKING!!

Meanwhile, Stasiak is still admiring his abs and shooting free throws.

Vampiro T-shirt ad - there is no finer jobberwear available

Slamboree ad #5

Vince Russo crashes the women's dressing room (where they apparently all just sit around in bras) and bitches out Liz. Liz, in return, slaps Russo one, telling him that while he might own her contract, he doesn't own HER!

YEAHBABY TANK YEAHBABY ABBOTT YEAHBABY v. DAVID ARQUETTE (with Chris "Champage" Kanyon) - the reason this match is NOW is because still to come is....hoo boy, Hogan vs. Awesome. How come the Mark calls David Arquette "YOUR world champion...not mine" when he's spent all of last week trying to convince the world that putting the title on this guy was a brilliant idea? Kanyon puts on some brass knuckles - guess that's his plan - but unfortunately, referee "Blind" Billy Silverman decides to send Kanyon to the back. Arquette tries to sneak in while Abbott is watching all this and climbs on his back. Abbott gets a kick out of this - then backs into the corner. We see Jarrett, Bischoff and Kimberly looking on and make sure we get Bischoff asking aloud "Wonder what Courteney's thinking?" Arquette tries a shot - no good - Abbott picks him up and takes him down. Abbott turs his back agai - Arquette tries his spear, but Abbott stops him cold. We go backstage to see an ambulance arriving with lights flashing...yup, DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE behind the wheel. I can't believe that EMT in the passenger seat let him get away with that! Page ready to stagger to the ring while Arquette is out cold in the middle of the ring. Sign in crowd: "Is Anybody Watching?" Silverman is taken out of the ring. Page apparently stops by the production table on his way out and says "play my music, wouldja?" 'cause "Smells Like Self High Five" fires up. We cut backstage where Bischoff tells Jarrett to stop Page - whoops, too late. Page with a Diamond Cutter on Abbott, apparently he came through the crowd and snuck up from behind - of course, we missed it because we needed to see Bischoff. Page puts Arquette on top of Abbott, then goes outside to throw Silverman back in the ring. 1, 2, 3. (2:14) Abbott lays there for over a full minute from that Diamond Cutter - mm hmm. Page drapes Arquette over his shoulder and walks off with him. Here's a replay - damn, but Abbott took that thing pretty hard. Hogan and Awesome are next!

Jimmy Barron phones it in with 1-800-CAL-LATT! Actually, he doesn't even do that - we get a graphic but no voiceover! What, they can't afford to pay HIM?

Vampiro T-shirt ad #2

Shawn Stasiak says perfect a few more times and asks for the basketball - this shot will break the record. (How long DOES it take to take 5,222 shots - is it about 107 minutes?) As he sets up the shot, Curt Hennig comes in from behind, ruining the shot and leaving the rack of basketballs on top of him.

The 1-800-COL-LECT replay is Page's Diamond Cutter on Abbott.

YOU KNOW WHO v. JOBBED TO JOBBED TO JOBBED TO JUSTIN CREDIBLE - it's twelve minutes to the hour - don't tell me that they're gonna fill it with this match! Hogan's FUNB vest now has "TCBollea" on the front. "TCB" is taken from Aretha Franklin, right? If you're a fan of punches, this is the match for you! Hogan's trick knee acts up - damn, that's EDGY. Inside, outside, the weight belt comes off, FINALLY Awesome comes back by using the weight belt - but Hogan turns it around and there's some more strap-ation, dude. Hogan whips out his belly-to-back suplex on the floor - that'll probably be it for the wrestling moves. Awesome crotched on the barricade. Awesome coming back with the chair. Repeatedly. Back in the ring - AWESOME SPLASH from the apron to the center of the ring. 1, 2, kickout! Hogan mounting Awesome and punching away. Punch, two, three, into the opposite corner, followup lariat, whip into the corner, another clothesline. Head to the buckle - yup, here's the run-in - it's BILLY KIDMAN with a chair - Hogan turns around, sees him, gutshot, grabs the chair - WHACK for Kidman. Is Hogan giving him the bird? CRACKA EAZY-E is out as well. Outside, face rake for Awesome, right, right, Kidman on the top with the chair - to the floor - WHACK for Hogan. I sure hope that wasn't the most BLATANT blade job I've seen Hogan do - and after the past couple of weeks, that'd be saying something! Oh, look, Hogan IS bleeding. Awesome covers Hogan and hooks the leg. Referee "Blind" Mark Johnson with the count - 1, 2, 3. (7:13) Post-match, Hogan goes out, gets the chair and takes out Awesome and Kidman. And then he chairs Mark Johnson for good measure. And now A FAN gets all the way into the ring - since he's wearing a Sting mask, I guess everybody thought he was part of the show or something. Security moves to take care of him...but just before he's taken out, the slippery red stuff falls on Hogan. Out come THE WALL, BUFF IS THE STUFF & SHANE DOUGLAS to help Kidman and Awesome take on Hogan. We look back at the top of the aisle to see Bischoff giving the salute of the Nation of Domination. Bring up the credits - we're ending early.

Ewwww! Not "Assault on Devil's Island!" That movie's got WAY too much Hogan and Billy Blanks, and not NEARLY enough Shannon Tweed!