LINK OF THE WEEK: With WCW seeming to once again return to their old pattern of going back to Flair when things turn sour, I thought it'd be neat to go back to Herb Kunze's Wrestling TidBits and read the bio he put together at the time of Flair's first "retirement" - five and a half years ago (27 October 1994). Herb takes a lot of punishment these days from people who think they know better - but he's been doing this online thing for nearly a dozen years and you GOTTA respect the man.

Hey, that "WCW Biography: Disco Inferno" PPV actually has some neat moments, from a long-lost "WCW Prime" clip (a show that NOBODY watched...except me, I think - MAN Chris Cruise looked THRICE as nerdy when standing next to Dusty Rhodes) to his first match (a live "Main Event" against Jumpin' Joey Maggs), his TV title win, his match with Jacqueline, his stint with the Wolfpac (including a hilarious "behind the scenes" explanation of how Disco Inferno was responsible for the "finger poke of death" title match), and onto the crap leading to his complete disappearance. Anyway, as this history runs from 1995 to the end of February, 2000 you can *actually trace* where all it goes TOTALLY wrong for WCW. Anyway, what's it cost, $4.99? You MIGHT get into it if you're like me - of course, you might ALSO end up cursing me for wasting your time, so don't take this as carte blanche recommendation or nothin'. I'd actually put together a real review of this hour, but for three things: 1) I'm really lazy, 2) I do too much for WrestleLine as it stands, and 3) this kind of reviewing tedium is really so much more of a Scott Keith thing anyway.

Still shots of EVERY big swerve of last night's Slamboree - most of which we'd all figured out WELL before they'd happened - "ultimate swerve" my ASS - and we also get a few angles of Kanyon's fall from the top of the first cage to the ramp.

We cut to a hospital bed, where Kanyon sits in Pitbull #1 gear and Page sits next to him (IN A SCOOPS SHIRT!!!!!!!!!!) The curtain behind him pulls back to reveal Eric Bischoff crying crocodile tears, the Cat in a wheelchair, Kimberly, Awesome and Jarrett. Bischoff DOES take an elbow before the numbers take over Page. Page goes through a cart filled with props, into a stand filled with props, onto a bed and hit with props - Kimberly tells Cat, Jarrett and Awesome that "visiting hours are over - we gotta get to Nitro!" Awesome dumps some candy on Page ("Page's got a sweet tooth!" is not said), and as they all walk off, Kimbely says "Hey, oh Page, you're not lookin' too good honey, how about a little refreshment, mmmm?" and she dumps a bedpan full of (I hope it's) apple juice on him. Was that necessary? Give Kanyon credit - he didn't move a muscle here.

We cut to a LIVE shot and here's a big bus! And the license plate says "DX Express" - no, wait, "F.U.N.B." - Ric Flair gets out, Hulk Hogan is behind him, there's Adams, Horace...

Opening graphic

Light that pyro and bring up that TV-14-DL ratings box! WE ARE LIVE 8.5.2K from the Trans World Dome in St. Louis, MO and this is WCW Monday Nitro on TNT! Funny moment, emblematic of a typical WCW production: one of the "shooting" fireworks goes off, and the camera gets set to track it's ascent to the top - only instead of moving, it just SITS there, making lots of noise and not moving. If I were in the mood, I could make a thousand word column out of that five seconds, but you're spared. As a close captioned logo appears, the theme from "NWO Monday Nitro" fires up...oh boy, it's TALKIN' TIME!!

CRACKA EAZY-E leads out JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET, AWESOME MIKE AWESOME, THE NEW GODFATHER OF SOUL, KIMBRRLY, and DAVID ARQUETTE. I can't WAIT to hear how they're going to retroactively script THIS. "Oh, man, I love you people too. I really, really do. You know, we had one hell of a night last night - the new WCW World Heavyweight champion, MY man, Mister David Arquette! All brought to you by the producers of the New Blood and the Director who brought you one of the greatest swerves of all time, as a matter of fact, let's roll this vintage piece of cinematography, so you can all enjoy what we enjoyed. (clip of Arquette jumping the rail and attacking Bischoff) It started right with the very beginning, Mr. Arquette, perfect timing jumped into the ring right when he was supposed to (clip of Jarrett mis-kabonging Bischoff and Arquette pinning him) and yes, I took one for the Gipper, Mr. Russo, because what we really wanted to, Page, is make you believe - we wanted you to buy it hook, line and sinker - was I willing to sacrifice for Mr. Arquette? Anything! (clip of cage match where Page won the title) Was Mr. Jarrett willing to sacrifice to convince you that you actually won that cage match, to make sure that your ego would drive you to (pick that win up?) - he could have kicked out three times, three times, three times! But he didn't. (clip of Arquette winning the title on Thunder) And then, yes, this was the moment we were all waiting for - the moment that this man right here, Mr. David Arquette, one of the true finest actors in all of Hollywood - he had a dream - he had a dream - his dream was to become the WCW World Heavyweight champion - and dammit all to hell, it was my job to make that dream come true (clip of Abbott vs. Arquette) even one of the greatest ring performance by Tank Abbott to date - we used it all - we used it all, Page, because I've told you before, I could set you up, I could screw you (back to live action) and I could walk away from it, and you would never even see it coming - just like the morons in this arena - and all the 'Internet wrestling experts' who thought it was SUCH a disgrace to put the WCW World Heavyweight title on MISTER David Arquette - but I did it, and I did it for one reason only, Page - to screw you royally, AND I DID!" Great googly moogly - has it EVER been this deep in here? To Arquette we go - he's wearing something green and yellow and ugly. "Hey, check it out - sheuuuuuduuuup - weuuaaaaah shuuuuuuduuuuup - sorry, Page, I really am sorry...Kanyon, aw DAMN sorry! But you should know better than to trust someone from HOLLLLLLLYWOOOOOOD ... wazzuuuuup! You know, when I was on the set of Ready to Rumble with Page, I told him that I had dreamed of being a wrestler, and he said - Shaaaaaaaduuuuuuup - he said you'd get hurt, but guess what? You got hurt, Page! Aahhhhhhhhhh - I got one thing to say to you - I was the Heavyweight Champion of the World, thanks to my buddy, Eric Bischoff - the king - Eeeeeeeeazeh E, baby! So put that in your cornpipe and smoke it!"

At this point, I will pause for a Ready to Rumble earnings update: this most recent weekend, the fifth for this release, this most-surely-destined-for-classic-status epic earned a whopping *$97,990* to place 35th, bringing the total earnings to just over $12.1 million, which MIGHT cover the massive amount of advertising put behind the flick. That's UNDER SIX FIGURES. The Mark (barely) makes more in a year than Ready to Rumble made last weekend. Chew on THAT.

Jarrett is next: "And now, once again, I am THE Chosen One. Page, did you really think you could beat me in the triple cage? Please, slapass! You couldn't beat me on my worst day! You were had! You're a fool! No wonder your wife left your stupid ass!"

Backstage, a car arrives - Page gets out of it. Kimberly is talking but they apparently haven't looked at the video screen. "All of this is about - ME! Me! Me! MEEE!" Kimberly has a tubetop with "Me" on her right breast, which is apparently its name. Eric: "It is definitely all about - *HER!*" and he breaks into one of his "hyena laughs" that we've all missed. Even Awesome wants a chunk! "Hey DDP - I got a quick question for ya here. How's it gonna feel for the next fifty years taking care of your little puke chump assed friend Kanyon, huh? I wanna know that! How's it gonna feel, huh?" "Smells Like Self High Five" plays as Hudson proclaims business ready to pick up. Here comes DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE down the (raised) aisle - storming the ring, taking Awesome down and through the ropes - Cat goes down - Arquette gets grabbed and pulled into the ring - Diamond Cutter! Now Jarrett, Cat and Awesome somehow get the bright idea to attack him all at the same time - this works. But the lights go out, the "lightning" strikes, Metallica plays and (THIS IS) STING. Where'd he come from? Who knows? The ring empties of all but Sting and Page. BAGWELL & DOUGLAS come in - but KRONYKK are out just after THEM. Page's music plays again as Page, Sting, Adams and Clark stand in the ring. Page spits in the camera - ahh, a fitting coda for this wonderful segment!

Vampiro T-shirt ad - buy 'em before he quits (again)

Hey, remember what Vince Russo said about it all coming together? Don't you wish Downtown Dave had just thrown his prepared softballs out the window and asked him the REALLY HARD questions - like "Why does Fred keep ordering the ribs if he knows they're going to tip his car over?" and "If you were on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?, who would your lifeline be?" and let's not forget "Let's say you and me were in a fight. Who would win?" There WAS a point in here - oh yeah. Russo's really full of shit. "After the pay per view and Nitro, you'll see what I meant." Hey, I may not be an "Internet wrestling expert" yet but I'll get there someday, I'm sure. It's not WHAT you did, it's HOW you did it. You can tell me I'm wrong all you want, but so far the numbers haven't exactly been on YOUR side...have they?

Meanwhile, Norman Smiley and Ralphus are WALKING! Smiley tells Ralphus that Bischoff said if they lose tonight, they're fired. Ralphus. Ralphus. Ralphus.

TERRY FUNK v. SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY & RALPHUS for the World Hardcore championship - By the way, you didn't PAY to see this match last night, did you? Let Us Take A Special Video Look at Terry Funk's bumps during his most recent stint in WCW. "Bischoff! Russo! Ha ha ha ha...you'll never, never, never get this hardcore championship off of my wrinkled old ass! So...bring on the challengers!" Smiley is wearing a Cardinals jersey, while Ralphus wears a midriff cutoff with "RALPHUS" on it. Smiley's gonna talk, too, hooray. "Hey! I want to officially present to you my new hardcore tag team partner - the man who singlehandedly last night at Slamboree taught us why we should all say no to crack - I present Monday Night Ralphus - go and get him Ralphus!" Funk meets him on the entrance and the chairs go a-flyin'. Ralphus is left there and Smiley and Funk go over the barricade, trashcan, safety sawhorse, ladder, golf cart...and Smiley drives off. Well, apparently Funk was supposed to get into ANOTHER golf cart and drive after him - only, it didn't work. It's always SOMETHING with WCW, isn't it? Funk walks after Smiley after he drives back to where he can catch him - Funk climbs in back of the cart and they drive into a strategically placed wall of milk crates. Now they're walking into a kitchen and swinging cookie sheets at each other. Ralphus is back and he's showing crack - the back of his shirt says "JUST SAY NO TO" and an arrow points to Ralphus' cleavage. Ralphus has an outie, by the way. Cookie sheet! Cookie sheet! Cookie sheet! Cookie sheet! 1, 2, 3! (3:46) Ralphus and Smiley cry for comedic effect. Wait a minute...that outtie isn't his bellybutton...it's his....OH JESUS

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Western Union.

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, SCOTT HUDSON and MARIO LEMIEUX. Last night, a SHOCKING turn - David Flair on his very own father! (wefirstsawitoverayearago) The Stretcher Match will take place at the top of the hour, by the way.

NEXT: Backstage, Ric Flair tells Total Package and Liz (wait, Liz is with Package again?) that he needs them to hang back - he has to take care of this on his own.

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Boston Market TV dinners, Judge Wapner's cash scam, and Super Soaker: wettah iss bettah!

Hey, Goldberg is still eatin' them Spree, yo!

THE MAN walks to the ring, carrying a couple "props" with him. Let Us Take You Back to Last Night, where the still shots show that Ric Flair and Shane Douglas had a match which ended with a man in a Sting mask and a Rolex around his neck swinging a bat - a guy who turned out to be not Russo, but David Flair. "In the year nineteen hundred and seventy-eight, Terry Funk told me if I wanted to be a star in this business, I had to get to Saint Louis on Friday night! You know what I'm talking about - I had to be at the Kiel or the Arena, I had to be live at the Chase - I had to be in St. Louis if I wanted to be a star! And then I saw this for the first time. It was around the waist of the legendary Jack Brisco. And I said 'Jack, d'you think I could ever be world champion?' He said 'Kid, keep workin'. Work at it every day and every night and maybe, by the grace of God, you might get it someday.' And then it was Terry Funk, and then it was Harley Race, and then it was Dusty Rhodes, and then it was MY turn. And THIS is what we all desire to have and be - the World Heavyweight Championship - we gave up everything - we gave up life - we gave up our family, we worked everyday, we partied all night, we were the Champions - of - the - World! The best this sport had to offer. Now, this one goes away. Along comes this - it's just a copy of the belt that Jeff Jarrett's wearin' now - but it was mine before it was Jeff Jarrett's - and Jeff Jarrett, you know it - look around, you LOVE bein' a champion! Don't pay attention to Russo - Jeff Jarrett - today, I might not like it, but you're the man, Jarrett, because you've got the World Heavyweight title - there's only one, right St. Louis? We lived and died and breathed and sweat and bled to be the champ, and I'm not retirin', but last night, all of this - all of this glory - all of this notoriety, everything this brought came to an end when my son, David Fleihr, made the mistake of a lifetime. Here's the way that it goes, David. I - I halfway have to tell ya, you got some guts that I didn't think you had. What you did last night, I'm not mad at you for right now, but I want you to come out here in St. Louis in front of the wrestling world and tell everybody you made a mistake, that you wanna be David Fleihr, not David Flair, that you wanna be with your father, not Ric Flair, and you wanna come out here and make it right by me - David, do it now brother. Come on David, this is your father talking to you, not Ric Flair." Out comes DAVID FLAIR in his I(heart)NY T-shirt, accompanied by DAFFNEY UNGER, carrying another mini statue of liberty. The "Iron Man" riff starts up and right behind him is VIC VENOM - now walking arm in arm up to the ring. Russo's goin to offer rebuttal. "You know what, St. Louis? Ric Flair - they are makin' the T-shirts right now, and you know what they say Slick Ric? They say 'TRADITION SUCKS!' And last night in Kansas City, Missoura - I think that's how you hicks say it, 'Missoura,' - I spit in the face of tradition. Daffney? As a matter of fact, Ric, I made a list of the people whose faces I spit in - Dory Funk, Jr., Dick the Bruiser, Jack Brisco, Kiniski, DiBiase, Murdoch, Brody, Dusty Rhodes, and St. Louis' own Sam Muchnik. Now wait a minute here, Ric, now wait a minute - more importantly - you let me finish now, punk, this is my time - more importantly, I looked right in your face and I spit square in your eye, and now, YOUR son is standing next to the father he never had!" A hug for David. "David...for whatever this nothin' happenin' punk has made you think that you can be, it i'n't gonna happen - we had this discussion a year ago, when you got in this business I told you they would manipulate you, they would pull you aside, they will work every possible angle to make this happen - they want reality, they want the Flairs split down the middle, and it ain't gonna happen - it'll never happen, now walk over here. Walk over here." "David, tell him how you feel, David." "I'm mad at you, Dad." "And you have every reason to be mad at him, David!" "Listen - you're mad at me - we'll talk about it when we get home, we're not gonna air anything personal on this program - you come home now to me." "Wait a minute, go home, nothin'! Let me tell you how I see it, Ric! I see the Great American Bash - Baltimore, your backyard - I see father vs. son - I see David Flair against you, Ric Flair! Twenty-one years he's waited for this opportunity!" "David, I'm not gonna look at him anymore. You're my son, you ain't gonna wrestle me ANYWHERE much less the Great American Bash. You are gonna work your way from the bottom up just like I did. You are gonna bleed and sweat and pay the price, you're gonna be what we raised you to be, and that's a man, not a punk stooge for him, now walk over here behind my back." "I told you I was mad at you, got it?" "And I'm telling you not to air a personal grievance on this show. I'll tell you how real this is, pal - you walk over here right now, my man - see this right here? This is a cel phone, I'm gonna call Vince McMahon right now, brother - I haven't burned a bridge! This guy's burned a bridge! I'll call McMahon right now and you'll be on RAW next Monday night! Yeah! You'll be a big star! You come to your dad - he burned a bridge! I can call Vince McMahon right now! Come on over here!" David walks over and hugs his father - man, that was BIZARRE. Ric removes his jacket. "Now, Russo...family's over--" Flair rips the Rolex from around his neck and puts it back on his wrist. Now he's ready to lay into him - but he double clutches - well, David just broke the mini statue of liberty over his father's head. What a swerve. David punches on Ric, Russo stands over him and chops his crotch, Daffney screams. Russo: "We will see you at the Great American Bash, baby!" Play the faux "Iron Man." Russo steals the watch back. David walks off with the title belts as well.

Didn't Ric Flair already have a match for the Great American Bash? Wait, there goes my memory again, remembering stuff that happened five days ago

Back to real time, Package and Liz ask Ric to stick around and help them DO something about this. Flair says he's had it - gets in the limo - and it drives away...

Strangely enough, Luger's music is playing here...oh, wait, this is THE MAIN EVENT CHUCK PALUMBO coming out to Total Package's music, entrance video, lighting treatment, wardrobe and posedown sequence. Funny moment: Tony says "Who in the world does he think he is?" and nobody with a headset, but at the same time EVERYONE WATCHING AND ALSO TALKING BACK TO THEIR TV SCREEN says "Total Package!" Oh boy, HE'S gonna say a few words! "Calm down now, calm down. Calm down. Allow me to introduce myself. I am the Main Event Chuck Palumbooooooo! Six foot five! Two hundred eighty pounds! Three (not four) three percent body fat, baby! Oh, you know it - I'm the Total Package and SO much more! Woooo! Now, Lex - listen, buddy - I'm a little pissed off. You're standing today after I beat your ass last night. So tonight, baby - if you got the guts - I'm gonna light you up, baby. I'm gonna give you the beating I should have given you last night! Finish it off! So Lex, instead of you working the main event, the Main Event - he's gonna work you!" To truly appreciate this bit, you have to imagine Palumbo twitching his head at every punctuation mark. Here's THE NARCISSIST & LIZ walking down the aisle. Luger asking her to wait in the aisle while he takes care of this. Luger goes through his punches, clotheslines, and Ace toolbox elbow while two members of R&B SECURITY appear and grab Elizabeth - Package is over to deal with THEM as well. Package ends up being hit from behind by Palumbo with his metal bendy-muscle thingy, laying him out. The security guys take off with Liz, presumably to deliver her to Russo.

Hey, Goldberg's eatin' some MORE Spree!

Tony tells us that the Total Package is still unconscious.

We go backstage to see that the Total Package is still unconscious. Oops, he opened his eyes wide before they put his stretcher in the ambulance.

Meanwhile, Russo tells everybody to get out of his office and leave him alone. Crowbar flushes and walks out, zipping up his pants - woo hoo, toilet humour! Russo asks Daffney and Liz to stay. Russo goes into an "I'm trying to help you" spiel, brandishes the contract, and tells her that tonight, she'll wrestle "the psycho bitch from hell" and points to Daffney. Russo says if she wins tonight, he'll rip up the contract. If not, it'll only get worse. How can it get worse? Liz repeatedly mentions that she can't wrestle. Russo proffers some boots and an outfit.

SHAWN "THE PERFECT ONE" STASIAK (already in the ring) v. CAPTAIN RECTION (with Curt Hennig) - "So this is St. Louis! Home of the famous Mark McGwire. You see, the difference between me (the Perfect One), Mr. McGwire, and all you other wannabes is that I don't need to put any cork in my bat and you ladies know exactly what I'm talking about, because I am the homerun king and I am absolutely - heh heh heh - the Perfect One." I wonder how this live crowd feels about having gone 58 minutes without any in-ring action? Captain Rection comes to the ring in goofy yellow camoflauge and to a drumbeat. Rection was known as Hugh Morrus quite recently, but that wasn't funny enough or something. Why's Hennig with him? Who can say? Lockkup, side headlock from Stasiak, into the ropes, collision, nothing. Back elbow by Stasiak, punch, into the ropes is reversed, head down, clubbing forearm by Stasiak, clothesline by Rection, clothesline, Ten Punch Count Along. Into the opposite corner, running splash - MISS HANCOCK is out for no reason - Hennig is holding Stasiak in the corner - no, he's pulling him out of the corner before Rection's next splash can connect - gutshot, fisherman suplex, pin. Sheeit. (1:08) The MISFITS IN ACTION hit the ring - well now KEVIN NASH comes

NEXT: Page has a stretcher - and he's WALKING! "Clear!"

Promotional consideration paid for by Boston Market TV dinners (again), Motel 6 7/8, Corn Nuts (Corn Nuts has a WEBSITE?), Targon mouthwash, and Boston Market TV dinners (AGAIN)

You know, they keep SAYING that there's wrestling coming up, but durned if *I* haven't seen it. Here comes CRACKA EAZY-E & KIMBRRLY one more time to "Theme from NWO Monday Nitro"

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE v. AWESOME MIKE AWESOME in a Stretcher Match - Bischoff and Kimberly grab headsets. The definition of irony, I believe, is hearing Bischoff say "Would you shut the hell up? Man alive! Do you EVER get tired of hearing your own stupid voice?" Bischoff promises that Page will sign the divorce papers at the end of this match, no matter the outcome. Bischoff and Kimberly take turns trading really fake laughs. Page attacks Awesome as he's walking through the ropes - all over Awesome, and they spill to the outside, where they make a beeline to the commentary table. Into the guard rail - into the barricade - back in the ring. Awesome stomping all over Page, choking on the second rope, right, into the ropes, Page with a uranage.

Backstage, Russo finds Scott Steiner, and tells him he's gotta talk some sense into Nash and keep him from killing him. "Listen, what don't you understand about me? I don't gots to do nothin'! I do *what* I wanna do when I wanna do it! Now if you or that ass put your hands on me again, I'm gonna break your freakin' arms! You wouldn't last two seconds in Detroit..." and he walks off with hooches in tow.

Thunder ad features NO shots of the massive battle royal - I guess a ring full of people fighting wouldn't send the right message about a WRESTLING show, right?

When we come back, Russo is saying something to Tank Abbott.

Meanwhile, Gene O. shares a few words with Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett promises to smack Sting around like a pinata - but fails to say "on a pole" immediately afterward. Jarrett calls Okerlund "Jurassic Slapass" and Okerlund tries to retort with "Hey, blow it out your--" but Jarrett gives him a stare.

SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with four - no, two hooches) hits the ring. HE'S not gonna wrestle, either! "Cut the music! You know, last night at Slamboree, I wrestled one of the misfits who now calls himself (Hugh G. Rection), and after I beat the hell out of him, I took my two freaks back to the hotel, and I found myself one! Now my freaks have always told me size DOES matter, and I'm the biggest of them all, so as I took my two ladies up to the moutaintop and they found nirvana, and just as they were about to reach the summit, they both said to me 'Ohhh God - ohhh God' and they called me the Daddy (that's the Big Bad Booty Daddy). Now being a genetic freak, I'm a mountain of a man, and Booker T, you're nothin' but an amoeba because you have no backbone. You had your chance to wrestle me at Slamboree but you have no balls - so why don't you get your ass out here now and face me one on one." However, up from the crowd appears JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE - Golota, body blow, body blow, HAND OF STONE! and Steiner is out. Crowd decides to chant "Cold Beer." Abbott decides to walk off, slightly bemused. Here's a replay. And here's another!

Gene O. stands with Sting...and apparently, one of those dizzy ECW cameramen. "That's all good - it's all really, really good, Gene! For me! And really, REALLY bad for you, Jarrett, Bischoff, and Russo. I knew it was just gonna be a matter of time before all of ya would make a stupid mistake, and you made it tonight by puttin' the gold up for grabs - guess what, your fearless leader Jeff Jarrett is gonna drop the ball tonight, I'm gonna pick it up, I'm gonna run with it, and I'm gonna score a touchdown! Oh, and Jeff, bring your guitar...[picking up bat]...it's showtime, folks!"

HARRIS BROS (already in the ring) v. MAMALUKES (with Disco Inferno, already walking down the aisle) v. HARLEM HEAT (with J. Biggs & Kash)

Backstage, Tank Abbott barks some orders to Doug Dillenger. What's this about? Maybe we'll find out after this ad break. Maybe not. Who cares.

Goldberg is eating EVEN MORE Spree!

When we come back, Steiner is doing a little softshoe to entertain the crowd. Well, he isn't, but you have to admit it sure would be entertaining! Some familiar music fires up - but when we look backstage, Doug Dillenger is knocking on the door of ... YEAHBABY TANK YEAHBABY ABBOTT YEAHBABY. He's doing a *mean* Gillberg impersonation, that one. The camera follows Abbott for a while...now he's out where the pryo would normally go off - we wait an EXCRUICIATING eight seconds - and the pyro finally does go off. Wow, he's doing a DAMN fine Gillberg impersonation here. Abbott hits the ring and the brawl is on. There's no ref so I guess they're not REALLY giving away a marquee match like this for free. We end up with Steiner mounting him from behind (eww) and putting on a choke. Run-in comes about a minute into this "match" and it's ... it's RICK WOOF WOOF! He tries to pull Scott off of Tank and points to the back - their conversation is mostly muted. Steiner goes back to Abbott, and Rick kicks him in the small of the back. Now he's WAILING AWAY on him - now he's holding him for Abbott? Body blow - HAND OF STONE - and Steiner's down. Referee "Blind" Mickie Jay calls for the bell - oh, I guess this WAS a match (relaxed DQ 1:42).

We cut to Vince Russo, instead of hearing whatever he was about to say. Russo tells Steiner (well, the monitor) "don't EVER cross the boss again, punk!" Then he knocks on the dressing room door and tells Elizabeth that she's up next, come on, hurry, and so forth. Now Vince Russo is WALKING! To another door... "You ready? I need you on standby. You be ready to go."

Buff Bagwell is the stuff - and he carries the power of the card

The Wendy's Classic Hamburger Replay is Tank Abbott delivering the right hand to Scott Steiner as Rick Steiner holds him - surely this moment can be considered Hamburger Bliss!

LIZ v. DAFFNEY UNGER - Amazingly, even with a flat surface in front of her, Elizabeth STILL manages to trip up on her way down the aisle. She's in a black T-shirt and b&w camo pants. Daffney's shirt, on the other hand, says "LIZ WILL DIE." That's cute. Hey, you know it's GREAT and all that they like saying "her FIRST wrestling match EVER!" Only...well, there was that match with Rhonda Sing. Oh, and that match with Meng. But I guess, since that was almost six months ago, we shouldn't be expected to remember them. Oh, but didn't Russo help book THOSE matches, too? No, see, back THEN the story was that LUGER owned Liz, and not RUSSO...ohhhhh my head hurts. Daffney does several laps in the ring - Liz breaks up her hands on her shoulders, then PASTES her with a slap. Got her by the hair - hairpull takeover - another - choking her in the corner - hey, we've gone thirty seconds, how about a run-in? It's MADUSA, and she's got Elizabeth by the hair. Referee "Blind" Jamie Techer rings the bell? (relaxed DQ :38) Wait, so Elizabeth won, right? Well, here's MOANER to make a save. Liz rolls out and runs off. Kick, kick, kick, chop, chop, into the opposite corner, handspring elbow, but Madusa manges a backdrop, then stands on her hair and pulls on her arms. Liz is back and she's agot a chair - who'll get it? STOP RINGING THAT FUCKING BELL ALREADY - WHACK for Madusa - threatening Techer, even - hey, he's new, let him go! Liz gets out and walks up the aisle - but something like a dozen members of R&B SECURITY wait for her. The IDIOT commentator actually tries to pass off "that chair's a DQ, I'm guessin'" - I mean this is like Mike Graham booking a DQ loss for "undefeated" Sid Vicious on Thunder and then everybody just EXPECTING that we'll forget it next Monday...only, THIS HAPPENED ABOUT ONE MINUTE AGO. But remember, for Vince Russo, *it's all about logic.* Send all complaints to ringmaster@wrestleline.com and see if THEY give a crap either.

I GET LETTERS: Ian Wajand saves me a bit of bother:

I went ahead and transcribed the end of the Lis - Daphney "match" for you:

Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding

Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding Ding

174 in all give or take a couple of "Ding's"

Hulk Hogan and Kevin Nash - ARE - WALKING!!

Goldberg wants one more Spree - just one more - this is the last one, I promise - I swear, I can stop any time I want - this'll be the last Spree I eat tonight - okay, right after this one - ooooooh - ahhhhh - help me

WCW Thunder is Wednesday at 6:05! It's the reg'lar time, don'cha know!

I GET LETTERS: Ian Wajand writes one more time: That was for the LIZ - Daphney match, not "Lis".

Guess I can't spell when there's A GODDAMN BELL RINGING IN MY EARS

Okay

YOU KNOW WHO and KEVIN NASH v. BILLY KIDMAN (with Torrie Samuda) & THE FILTHY ANIMALS in a St. Louis Street Fight - it's five to the hour and there are two matches left. Don't feel too good about THAT. Somebody better swerve somebody within the first minute or so or we'll run out of time! Apparently, "the Filthy Animals" are Konnan & Mysterio only now. Uh huh. Before the match starts, AWESOME MIKE AWESOME is called out to join the New Blood Order side - the ring is rushed and it's on. Of COURSE, the two get the better of the four - are you NUTS? IT'S ALL ABOUT LOGIC!!!!!!! Nash spends a lot of time setting up an impressive toss of Mysterio - only, we miss it because we're enamoured with watching Hogan working over people on the outside of the ring. Here's JUVENTUD GUERRERA come out and even Tony is saying "for no apparent reason" now. Run-in came at around twenty seconds in, yeah. Hogan WHACKs Konnan with a chair - how cute. Guerrera stands on top of the commentary table - I think he's tell us that he's De Juice or something. Nash with an impressive beal of Mysterio that the camera DOES get. Now Awesome works over Nash - no, wait, that's over. I think Hudson asked for the giant cane to appear and swipe Guerrera away - well, maybe I'm just dreaming. Now everybody's running back up the ramp - Hogan following...but back in the ring, Guerrera is off the top with a missile dropkick on Nash. Huh?

Jimmy Barron phones it in with 1-800-CAL-LATT - this week, he actually DOES the report, even! Nitro in Biloxi next week - those LUCKY bastards

Moments Ago, Hogan was Gillooly'd, dumped in a trunk, stopped at a garage door, but not long enough for Horace to catch them apparently, then stopped at a SCARY MONSTER TRUCK

Back to real time, where Hogan has somehow gotten out of the trunk and is hobbling towards...

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. (THIS IS) STING - Who drove the monster truck? And did they drive the Hummer? The title belt has no nameplate, yup. Jarrett has a feature in the new WCW Magazine - doesn't that make you want to subscribe? OH MY GOD IT'S A CROW!!!!!! AND HE'S CHAINED TO THE SCAFFOLDING! A **SCARY** CROW!!!!! Hey, wouldn't it have been funny if he'd crapped on Sting as he walked under him? THAT would have been a power! Sting ducks, clothesline, clothesline, Mexican (or is it Japanese? I forget) armdrag, Mexican armdrag (hey, I'm as surprised as you are!), Ten Punch Count Along - Jarrett sidesteps the Stinger splash, but he lands on his feet and clotheslines Jarrett to the outside - and follows. Head to the barricade. To the barricade! Suplex onto the raised aisle - the Mark is trying to include math and physics in his commentary again (he's wrong again). Sting on top - splash attempt - MISSES! Jarrett drops a fist, right, right, Jarrett finds a chair - to the gut, to the gut again, Sting walking up the aisle - chair edge to the back - Sting getting to his feet as Jarrett sweeps his legs with the chair. Referee "Blind" Charles Robinso somehow finds a way to get Jarrett walking back towards the ring. Sting is up - and running at Jarrett...clothesline puts them both back in the ring! Robinson puts on the count - at 6, Jarrett gets up and makes the sign - figure four! Shoulder down - 1, 2, no! Sting motioning to the crowd - and they respond. As they should - this is like the first match they've seen all freakin' night, already. Sting turns the hold over - and Jarrett quickly grabs the rope. Sting hobbling, but he can still hit "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, clothesline, right, into the opposite corner, Stinger splash, into another corner, another Stinger splash, cue the run-in, Scorpion Deathlock is applied an Sting's back is to the - oh, never mind, I can see somebody cutting through the ring apron - apparently we weren't supposed to see it, as they switch to another camera angle. Yup, there's CRAPPIN' IN A BUCKET, THEN JOBBIN' VAMPIRO come to pull Sting under the ring - a fire extinguisher goes off under the ring as the commentators give us "what's all that smoke filling the ring?" Crowd chants "Bullshit" as Sting emerges with red stuff all over him. Jarrett covers - 1, 2, 3. (5:35) The rest of the NEW BLOOD ORDER comes out as Robinson assks them to ring the bell another thousand times.

Meanwhile, outside the arena, Tank Abbott & Rick Steiner are ready to get into that car - but oh! The SCARY GOLDBERG MONSTER TRUCK appears and crushes it. And now - it's STUCK on the corpse of the car and CAN'T MOVE! Oh, the humanity! Something totally cool has been reduced to a total laughingstock! THIS - IS - WCW!!

Stay tuned - next on WCW Monday Nitro - The Last Starfighter!