QUICK QUOTES: AOL 52 (- 6 7/16), TWX 76 1/8 (- 9 15/16), SPLN 12 15/16 (-2 7/8) - oh man, it's a bad time to be in the market - but...maybe a good time to GET in the market?

RADIO RADIO: Assuming that I actually find their email and get back to them with a working phone number, I WILL appear on WJRN's "In that Very Ring" Thursday, sometime around 18:45. WJRN broadcasts out of Racine, Wisconsin - feel it! I've also promised to have a LOT of caffeine to counteract any allergy medication I may be under at that time. As always, anybody who actually LISTENS to these stations is encouraged to make a tape for me in return for promotional consideration. And Kevin, I SWEAR I'll find your email on Tuesday and get back in touch with you. (Or you could write me again and scold me. Either way.)

I decided to thrown down the cash and get my laptop overhauled. It's probably cheaper for me to replace it with ANOTHER used PowerBook, but it's like your car - you get attached to it and end up sinking all sorts of cash in it rather than replace it. Unfortunately, that means ANOTHER batch of reports from this room instead of over there. I doubt that really makes any difference in the quality, but just in case it does, I DO believe in full disclosure, so there you go.

Over here in the Pacific time zone (aka "the time zone programmers really don't care about"), Nitro didn't start until approximately 21:55 thanks to the NBA and TNT's post-game "INS DE" show. Of course, the Lakers lost...so I can forgive ALL of this. The point of bringing this up, however, is to explain in advance why the quarter hours are meaningless and probably won't make this report, and ALSO to provide a data point for one of you to cut'n'paste in an email to Scherer, Keller and Scaia before they go off making some half-assed analysis without bothering to know what time it aired over on this TNT feed. I mean, we learned on Dog Show Monday that no matter HOW great the wrestling is, not quite everybody is interested in staying up until five before midnight to catch the tail end of the main event.

Okay, enough of that. Before we get THERE, we have to start...HERE!

WCW logo - ogol WCW

"Highlights" of Thunder - TV-14-DL - close captioned logo

A hearse and a limousine pull up behind the arena. We linger at the limo door...and Elizabeth exits, Vince Russo (with the WCW title), Jarrett, and David Flair. They all wear black. Russo "feels faint - why'd it have to be him, God, why?"

Opening logo

Pyro! Is that another cage up there? WE ARE LIVE (on tape) from the GR - Grand Rapids, MI and the van Andel Arena 22.5.2K and only on TNT!

THE NEW GODFATHER OF SOUL v. BOOKA T. in a weapons match - Russo promises a burial, a funeral for Ric Flair's career, later tonight. Oh boy? There's a pile of plundah in the ring as - hey! - we start with a ... is "match" the word? Booker gets no chyron love so who knows if the "T" is officially back or not. Booker starts off with a sweet kick and doesn't relent. Cat turns the tide after they go outside with a martial arts drink in the face, and a martial arts chair. Back in the ring and Cat goes to the baton - he's AT LEAST as good as Steve Blackman. Stick to the nuts! Stick to the head! Bring on the nunchuku! Something gets muted. Choke with the 'chuks.

Outside the arena, the now familiar Dodge Charger is surrounded by Sting, Package, Page and Hogan. Hogan: "Looks like Nash is late again!" Sting: "That's his gimmick!"

When we come back, Bischoff catches up to Booker and fires him for showing him up out there. "Touch me and I'll sue ya!"

We switch to a casket containing Flair's robe, a rose and a giant nose. Russo wails over the coffin. "Why, Jeff, whyyyyyy?" "I'll tell you why - he was too damn old!" Lots of fake mourning and also, Crowbar and Daffney are fighting over the Cruiserweight title belt

Meanwhile, Terry Taylor pulls in - and he's got Reid Flair with him.

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by M&M's!

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, SCOTT HUDSON, and .... Tonight: Terry Funk has a big announcement! The biggest announcement he's ever made, in fact!

DAFFNEY UNGER v. CROWBAR for the World Cruiserweight title - Daffney hits the ring and tells Crowbar he's acting like a big baby over this whole Cruiserweight title thing, so come on out and they'll settle it like adults. They...thumb wrestle.

We quickly cut to a feed from the KidCam, where Torrie is giving Horace a rubdown while sitting on his back.

Promotional consideration provided by Slim Jim (Savage), Aqua Velva IceSport, Boston Market home style meals, Motel 6 7/8, and Bubble Yum - chewed by mohawk'd ducks everywhere

Close captioning brought to you by Meineke!

The MIA beseech Booker not to leave - but he tells them not to worry, he has a plan - stay tuned! Next week! Behind this group, we see Smiley and Ralphus washing cars for money. How'd they get to Grand Rapids from Lafayette?

Meanwhile, Kidman busts in on Bischoff, Kimberly and Cat demanding to know where Horace is. Kidman walks (WALKING!) off and Bischoff follows - and so do we. Bischoff confuses the hell out of me, so I won't transcribe it. Kidman tells Torrie she was enjoying it too much - he's gonna beat up Horace and she can referee. Bischoff apparently thinks this is a good idea, sucker punches Billy Silverman (who was wandering by), steals his shirt and gives it to Torrie. They brawl out to the aisle...

BILLY KIDMAN v. HORACE - CRACKA EAZY-E and TORRIE SAMUDA (in ref shirt) are out as well. Bischoff takes fourth headset and I tune out. Fast forward to the run-in - YOU KNOW WHO. Horace tries to powerbomb Kidamn - YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN! Horace laid on the very table he brought into the ring. Hogan decides to come in, crotches him, right, right, right, then beals him onto Horace and through the table. Hogan points to Torrie, drags her over to the pile, puts Kidman on top, his boot on Kidman, and demands she count. 1.....2......3. (4:05) "You know something, Bischoff...you and I were tight for a long time, brother, and I used to think you were a pretty cool guy. And now I've heard you out here running your mouth about you're gonna have a special surprise, a referee at the pay-per-view - well, you can go out and get any damned referee you want. As far as I'm concerned, you're nothing but a little pissant, and I'm gonna kick Kidman's ass at the pay-per-view and set myself up for a shot at the WCW heavyweight title, and there ain't one damn thing you can do about it, you little p(iece o' shit)!" Play his music!

Russo tries to give the Rolex to David - but he throws it in the coffin instead.

Meanwhile, Reid Flair and Terry Taylor - are - TALKING!

Meanwhile, the MIA watch this on a monitor and ... get ideas?

TERRY FUNK, clad in tux and white boots - and Hardcore belt - walks to the ring. "Hello! I'm here tonight to make a very important announcement that's been long, long overdue. And, ah - I asked someone that's very important to be here with me tonight. I got my daughter over here - Brandy, stand up! Stand up, blue! Ol' Blue's been waiting for this announcement for years. And I promise ya, that my wife at home thinks that this announcement is way, way overdue. I asked my brother to be sure to listen to Nitro tonight, and watch this show. I called my aunt and uncle up in Indiana, Herman and Iney, I told them to watch this show. I went ahead and called my aunt and uncle, Eleanor and Dutch, told them to watch this show. I called my cousins, and told them that I had a very important announcement..." Wow, all these relatives might bring the ratings up a WHOLE tenth of a point! Anyway, having watched this from the back and received instructions from Bischoff, SHANE DOUGLAS leads out a group of New Blood type people to interupt these proceedings. He asks him to hurry it up, it's only a two hour show. "You wanna hear the announcement? Do you wanna hear it real bad? Da ya wanna hear it real REAL bad, Shane? Well if you wanna hear it real bad, why don't you say 'hell yes,' I've heard that somewhere before. I'll tellya the announcement! Right now, and all of you people out here - HEY! IT'S A BOY! I'M A GRANDPA!" Eight pounds, one ounce. Douglas says he - and everybody there - is waiting to hear him say he's retired. Funk says he thinks grandpas shouldn't be in the wrestling ring - they should be in rocking chairs with the grandkids. Funk says he's talked to Brad Siegel, and he's going to retire June first. "And I am retiring, June the first, Shane Douglas - June the first, 2001, because Brad Siegel extended my contract for one more year! So you've got to look at my wrinkled old ass for another three hundred and sixty-five days, and I'll be damned if you're gonna get the hardcore belt from around my waist." Douglas says they're go retire his ass...and then "right now" gets muted. Douglas, Candido, Cat and Stasiak somehow manage to get the better of Funk - Douglas wraps his fist in a chain and cuts loose. Chair. We look at Brandy...who's going to jump the rail. Well, that's just brilliant - who does she think she is, Reid Flair? She pulls on Douglas - Douglas shoves her to the ring. Tammy puts the badmouth on her. DDT on the chair. Who will make the save? Who? Nobody, I guess. Spike piledriver on the chair. Douglas "pins" Funk and walks off with the belt. Douglas' music plays while Brandy tends to her father. The EMT's are out...

We cut to Smiley and Ralphus, who get distracted by the MIA. The buckets are switched...? Oh, right, that's the Filthy Animals car. Methinks hijinks are afoot! Also, methinks I doth care not!

Meanwhile, the Wall is WALKING! and carrying a table

Meanwhile, Mike Awesome is WALKING! - well, okay, he's driving an ambulance

Here's a Special Video Look at Kanyon - mostly snippets from the Thunder interview

We cut backstage to see them brawl down the entry position, into a door, and toward the ambulance - ahh, THERE is DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE, springing from the ambulance with a chair - putting Awesome in the ambulance, which drives off. Meanwhile, Wall is all over Douglas. Kneelift, into a cement column. Choke. Let's leave this and cut to

Stasiak, Flair, Awesome, Douglas, Jarrett and Russo are shoving the casket and stifling laughter. Liz and Palumbo bring up the rear. Wait a minute---Awesome? MIKE AWESOME? MIKE AWESOME WHO JUST PULLED OUT OF THE PARKING LOT IN THE AMBULANCE? And you think I'm *biased* to make fun of THIS shit? Do they PAY people to handle continuity on this show? (Obviously not.) Do they CARE about how BUSH LEAGUE they look? How many LAME mistakes must be made, week after week, before someone realises this reflects on the OVERALL CRAPPY PRODUCT?? When you write me and bitch "you wouldn't be this hard on the WWF if they did this," do you understand that the reason I DON'T is because the WWF DOESN'T FUCK UP THIS ROYALLY?

Of course, I've always contended that they had better ratings with a *real* colour commentator as well...you can do LOTS of fun tricks with numbers! Anyway, Russo catches Liz laughing at the absurdity (or lameness) of this bit, and sends Palumbo off with her.

By the way, I heard WCW couldn't break a .2 PPV buyrate. AGAIN. Again, the sole purpose for the decline is the lack of decent colour commentary. Look up the numbers!

Promotional consideration paid for by Boston Market (again), Corn Nuts, Aqua Velva IceSport (again), French's mustard and Boston Market (again) (again).

Well, we're halfway done. I don't know about you, but I already feel like I need a shower.

Back to the Smiley and Ralphus show. Ralphus dumps the contents of the bucket on the hood of the Filthy Animals car - only to discover it's something white.

As the TV-14-DL ratings box reappears, the funeral dirge plays and out come VIC VENOM, DAVID FLAIR, and JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET. The casket is already in place at ringside and flanked by 4 R&B SECURITY. Well, let's see where this goes. "Dearly beloved...we are gathered here today to celebrate the death of the career of Ric Flair. Please roll the footage!"

Let Us Take You Back to Last Wednesday - nothing is sacred.

"Is that the most pathetic thing you ever saw or what? So I got one thing to say - all you people here can let that be on your heads, because I TRIED to do the right thing! I told Ric Flair that he was too damn old to compete! And look at what happened - in front of the entire world, the man had a brain anyeurism! And the only shame in this is that David could not retire his father at the Great American Bash...No - you people! I tell you what - Russo may suck - but Russo's got the WCW title, doesn't he? And now it's time for Russo to give that belt back to its proper owner - the once again WCW World champion - the Chosen One, Jeff Jarrett!" Jarrett proclaims himself the Chosen One...and Chosen Champion...again. "But please, don't ever say that Vince Russo doesn't have a heart. 'cause, remember this? I will do the right thing and I will bury Ric Flair's Rolex with his career, thank you." Hey, I wonder who's in the coffin. Russo walks over to the casket to put the Rolex in it -

Thunder ad features Horace - Thunder will air a half hour later Wednesday - if that's a basketball thing, count on it airing even later...

Backstage, SOME BLONDE tries to interview Russo "Who are you?" Russo gives Nash 45 minutes to return the title, or else he and Jarrett will fight, no holds barred, and they'll TAKE it back.

SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with his hooches) comes out. Tony says the Lakers and Blazers are next - but I'm SURE I just SAW that game... "You know it's always great to come back to the neighbourhood, 'cause right here in Michigan is where I justarted takin' my freaks to ecstasy...and right down the road at the University of Michigan, I've grabbed plenty a woman's hand and between the sheets I have proven that I was the Superman. And all my freaks now when the dark side of the moon rises, the flip side of the Big Bad Booty Daddy comes out and that's all about love, taste and touch. And all my freaks now theyre's nothing finer than doing the (sixty-niner) with Scott Steiner. So this goes to all my freaks out there - Big Poppa Pump is your hookup - holler if ya hear me! Now it's no secret I was born with a wild hair up (my ass), and my friends have always told me you're out of control and you lack discipline, and one day you might end up in jail. Well I've been to your cell and I've been through hell, but the bottom line is I've always survived - so from now on, where I go, the cell goes and hell comes with me. Now you look up - you see the asylum - it's there's two people I wanna see face the genetic freak and that's my brother and Tank Abbott, so get your ass out here right now."

SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER v. RICK WOOF WOOF within the confines of the Asylum - Rick comes out to some old WCW stock music. Oh, so THAT'S what that cage was for. Run-in occurs about ninety seconds in when we go backstage to see a door marked "TANKBERG." Abbott comes out with a pair of bolt cutters. Chyron actually says "Tankberg" but to me, he's JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE. Bolt cutters apparently don't work, so Abbott goes over to referee "Blind" Mickie Jay, plants him with a HAND OF STONE! and steals the remote control and raises the cage. Abbott hits the ring and he and Steiner work over Steiner. Awoooo! KEVIN NASH comes out with the WCW World title and waffles both men, who take off. Let's call it (no contest 3:34)

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett and Vince Russo are watching on a monitor...

Terry Taylor and Reid Flair are still talking! Couldn't they have done that in the car on the way over?

CHUCK PALUMBO (with Liz & R&B Security) v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE - Let Us Take You Back to Thunder where Total Package made merry with Main Event in the gym - Schiavone says the basketball game is next, but it's not. Hey! Billy Silverman got his shirt back! I'd be remiss if I failed to note that this match featured a trick knee acting up as well as Liz slapping Palumbo, but I'm sooooo close to not caring. Run-in is provided by KIMBRRLY, who takes a bat to Elizabeth's back. Page hits a uranage, but Silverman is checking on Liz.

NEXT: Terry Taylor and Reid Flair are WALKING! WOW!

Moments Ago - WHACK. One for Elizabeth, and one for Package.

During the Break, Package was wheeled away, a towel covering his face.

Back live, Package has a lot of fake blood on him and Page is FREAKIN' OUT, MAN.

Meanwhile, Palumbo, Kimberly and Elizabeth share a room with a monitor. Kimberly gives mock concern and Elizabeth asks what went on.

Ric Flair's music plays and out bound TERRIFIC TERRY TAYLOR & REID FLAIR. "There's something really important that I need to say, so David - would you please come out here." Reid tries it three times - and now here come DAVID FLAIR & DAFFNEY UNGER. Daffney's been carrying a Ric Flair doll all night, yeah. "You know David, if there's anything I said, you know, it's my fault, I'm sorry. I mean, me, Ashley, Mom - we all miss ya, we need you - especially - Dad needs you." "Ohh Dad, where's Dad YOU KNOW WHAT'S IT LIKE WHEN HE'S NOT HOME? YOU DON'T KNOW! You shut up!" Daffney produces a statue of liberty and conks Taylor over the head with it. David advances on his brother - who kicks him squar in the nuts, the hits a double leg takedown. Side headlock by Reid, elbowed out by David, shoved to the mat. Figure four! DOUG DILLINJA and his friends in security break it up. Reid sells it pretty good...(wait for it)...for a twelve year old. (Thank you! You've been wonderful!)

JOBBIN' VAMPIRO is out with a butane torch and a gas tank. Let Us Take You Back to Thunder where the ring ropes were set ablaze. The latest WCW Magazine has a big piece on Vampiro, so it's a good think he re-signed! It's a "Human Torch" match at the Bash - I guess "Inferno match" was trademarked by that other, party-poopin' fed, right? What - this is a match? Hoo.

JOBBIN' VAMPIRO (with gas - no, gasoline - and a torch) v. YOU KNOW WHO - Vampiro's music still playing as we start, oops. Highlight of this match is Hogan no-selling Vampiro's superkick out on the floor. I'm just waiting for the run-in, myself. Hogan DOES manage to take out the commentary table, but not long enough. The weight belt makes it's appearance. Somebody actually has the gall to say "You might see phony DQ's somewhere else - you might see cluster finishes somewhere else - you won't see 'em here!" WHAT THE FUCKING HELL SHIT HAVE I BEEN WATCHING ALL GODDAM NIGHT, YOU STUPID FAT PRICK? Let's rattle 'em off!

 
Cat vs. Booker - Stasiak runs in 
Daffney vs. Crowbar - Candido and Tammy run in
Kidman vs. Horace - Hogan runs in 
Awesome vs. Wall - "clean finish" - Douglas and Page wait until *after*
the match to chime in 
Steiner vs. Steiner - Abbott runs in 
Palumbo vs. Page - Awesome runs in 
Vampiro vs. Hogan - Kidman runs in

"You won't seem 'em here!"

Just stick your face back in the potato chips.

Idiot.

As Vampiro goes to pour the gas on Vampiro, (THIS IS) STING makes the save. Vampiro quickly goes down after Kidman runs off. Oh my God! It's a crow! Hogan pops up - he's just fine - he's gonna kick their ass! He's gonna kick their ass! He's gonna kick their ass! Hogan whips Vampiro one more time - Sting whips him as well. I think Charles Robinson gets a whip in during the Road Report.

Jimmy Barron phones it in. Next week Nitro hits the E-Center. Why not waste your three-day weekend by attending?

Back outside where the Filthy Animals (What did they DO all night?) come to collect their car - which is covered in whatever it was covered in. Taking extreme umbrage, they beat up Smiley and Ralphus....until the MIA enter the picture and run them off. With the Animals out of the picture, we look back to see Ralphus acting as mackerel on the concrete. Captain Rection calls for Gunns to do the revival job - she says she can't do it...but relents after bring ordered. (Yeah, I know, Major outranks Captain - tell somebody else who didn't know) Before she can revive him, he sticks out his tongue. She slaps him.

Moments Ago, Kidman waffled Hogan. Yeah, they REALLY would have lit him on fire on *freakin'* TNT. 1, 2, 3. Scorpion Death Drop for Vampiro. WHAT A PUSH!!

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with gee-tar) v. KEVIN NASH - Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight - wow, lookit Nash GRIMACE as he labours to get out from under all those HEAVY coffin pillows! There's about eight minutes left in the show by my watch. Before the match starts we've ALREADY got a run-in - VIC VENOM comes out to his "Not Iron Man" music, flanked by R&B SECURITY. He whacks referee "Blind" Billy Silverman with his bat and takes over as referee. Well, no point in play-by-play for THIS match, either! Nash gets Jarrett down and covers - 1.....Russo pops up and chops his crotch. Nash chases Russo outside. Chairshot from Jarrett. Nash gets up - and knocks Jarrett out of the ring. Nash follows. Nash takes it to Jarrett for about a minute, then covers on the floor. Russo goes inside the ring. Nash gets in the ring and advances on Russo - Jarrett manages to come to, takes the belt and waffles Nash with it. Cover - 1, 2, shoulder up! So why didn't Russo just hit 3 anyway? Jarrett punches, punches, punches, punches, oh wow he sure knows them punches, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, knee, powerbomb coming up - no, Russo maces him. Jarrett with the Stroke. I hear SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER'S music - then it stops - then it starts again sand he's out. Block, right, right, Steinerline - advancing on Russo - HE gets maced. R&B Security swarm and handcuff Steiner to the second rope. Somehow, Nash STILL manages to grab Russo - got him in a choke - forcing him to count - 1, 2, shoulder up! Russo goes outside and hides behind security - Nash takes them out, as they make the classic mistake of attacking black ninja style. Nash has Russo again - gonna powerbomb him out on the floor...oh, but the *mysterious red stuff* falls on the floor - missing Nash AGAIN, I might add - but Jarrett has enough time to get over, kabong him and stand on him while Russo counts 1, 2, 3. (4:39) WHO thought this was a good idea? Credit Bischoff for at least having the sense to stay well away from this - well, really, this entire second hour. That'll be how he can cut Russo loose and hang onto his position for a few extra months - just you watch.

Jarrett and Russo pose on the ramp. Oh, never mind what I just said last paragraph - out walks CRACKA EAZY-E. "YOU GUYS! are just - too much! And coming up June eleventh, the end of Hogan - Flair gone for good - and Nash, if you think this was an ass kickin', you ain't seen NOTHIN' yet." "And Eric, for you...to all these people - fine us, baby!" ...the hell? "Jeff, how does it feel to once again be the WCW World Heavyweight Champion?" Credits are up. "Once again, I have proven that I am the Chosen One, so why don't you choke on that...slapass!" They send Jarrett to beat up on somebody, but (mercifully) we are out of time.