LIVE ON THE NET: I have it on good authority that if the five other backup guests all find better things to do on Thursday, I MIGHT appear on The Edge this Thursday. Of course, I may have been hearing incorrectly. I'll try to let you know in the Thunder report, and also provide a hyperlink. (Translation: Greg, please send me the hyperlink.)

Here's your advance warning: I've *totally* half-assed it tonight - I mean, even more than normal. The way things are going here, it's just not worth it.

TV-14-DL ratings box - Let Us take a Special Video Look at Tank Abbott, Goldberg's Monster Truck, the close captioned logo, and Goldberg

Earlier Today, Tank Abbott and Rick Steiner's car drove up! Wow! And they took their luggage out of the trunk! WOW!

Opening graphic

PYRO! PYRO! RETURN OF GOLDBERG! WE ARE LIVE from the Philipsarena in Atlanta, GA 5.6.2K on TNT - THIS - is WCW Monday Nitro!

And what better way to start off the show than the lilting strains of "NWO Monday Nitro" bringing out CRACKA EAZY-E, VIC VENOM, and R&B SECURITY. This Sunday, the announcement that changes everything. Slamboree's reported buyrate was .14, by the way. "Absolutely nothing but love in my heart for each and every one of you people. I feel it...right here. And I know each and every one of you have missed me just as much as I missed all of you. So welcome back to the wrestling empire that Eric built!" Must...control...urge ...to...make.....ironic....comment... "Let's take a look of where--ah-ah-where we are, now that I'm back, with the help of Mr. Russo...let's take a snapshot at the Millionaire's Club 'cause they're down one Lex Luger who is at home nursing that busted up face of his - and Liz? She's too afraid to come out of her room. Oh well, what the hell. Let's talk about tonight! Let's talk about what we're going to bring to you tonight. Scott Steiner is going to step into the ring with Vampiro, yes this is going to be a New Blood occasion for you. And Kevin Nash - Kevin Nash. Well, you wanted a match with the New Blood? Well tonight, you're going to get your opportunity in a big way, 'cause you my friend are going to be running the New Blood gauntlet - but there's a little catch! You see, if you lose tonight, you will lose your shot at the Great American Bash for the World Heavyweight title...and....AND...if any of your Millionaire Maggots interfere, you will lose your shot at the Great American Bash, so get it straight: it's you and the New Blood and no one else, but just to confirm my commitment to a level playing field, I wanna make it clear that we will put the World Heavyweight Champion, Jeff Jarrett, in the ring tonight with Sting. That's right! You're welcome very much! My commitment to all of you." "I know you're very excited to see me, but let's all settle down. You know, eight months ago I was forced to leave New York and move to Atlanta to work for WCW. Let me tell you something. It has been the worst eight months of my life! I am constantly surrounded by a sea of hornyakkers just like you people! And I gotta little shout out, right now. Call it a challenge - call it what you will. But John Rocker, you wanna dog New York? Well, I'll tell you what, pal - whenever you wanna go one-on-one with Russo, I'll jack you higher than your ERA, pal! And talkin' about goin' high, let's talk about this steel cage right here tonight! Because, Ric Flair, you wanna go to Space Mountain? Well, tonight we're goin', daddy! And Flair - I am taking you to the top and I am dropping you on your pathetic beach blonde head! And you're not gonna have a brain annurism, Flair, not this time - you are gonna have brain damage, punk!" "You know what? You know what, Vince Russo? You are a genius! You are nothing less than an inspiration to me. And because of the commitment that you're now making to the New Blood, and to WCW, and to each and every one of these fans who I know YOU love so much, I am going to follow in your lead - tonight, I am going to find a way to take that hardcore title right off of Terry Funk - in fact, I'm gonna do it myself, right here in the middle of the ring. I am going to become the new hardcore champion, or die trying. Now one last thing before we get this show on the road - Mr. Goldberg - you know, you and I have been friends for a long time - I know, I know, I know - keep it down, this is important business. Mr. Goldberg, I have never had anything against you personally. We have always been relatively close. I like your attorney, Henry Holmes; he's a swell guy. But last week, call it wrong place, wrong time, breakdown of communication, call it whatever you'd like. You stepped into it. You screwed up our plans to take Kevin Nash out, but that's okay - I'm willing to forgive and forget. As long as you're willing to come here tonight, take care of your business with Tank Abbott - that's between you and him - got nothing to do with me - pack your bags, and go back to wherever you live. Because if you decide tonight is the night you want to make a save for anyone, particularly Kevin Nash - don't take this wrong, because you know I love you - but I will suspend you. It's not personal, just business. I want you to know that." "You know what - GOLDBERG - I think Eric is being a little bit too nice, GOLDBERG. But Goldberg, I don't know you, and let me tell you something, you don't wanna know me, because Goldberg, you've never messed with a New Yorker before, punk - and if you SHOW your face around here tonight, I personally will get up in you!" Bischoff tries to get Russo to cool out as we look backstage to see Goldberg watching this on a monitor .... and growing unhappy. "Because, Goldberg, I've got two words for you pal - everybody all together - spear this, baby!" Crotch chop and wooooo. As if on cue, the music starts and COLD BEER comes out. Russo & Bischoff slide out and leave R&B Security to get demolished. Eight more security guys come out - but decide not to get in the ring. Play his music again!

In the office, Bischoff complains to Russo about riling up Goldberg - Cat echoes him. Jarrett comes in and complains about his assignment tonight - Bischoff tells him he's a pro, so go and be a pro. Cat echoes him THERE, too. Kidman & Torrie come in after this - Kidman wants a match between Horace & Hulk Hogan - Bischoff gives him a "whatever," and okays the match. Torrie throws a fit and walks off.

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you through the kind sponsorship of Western Union Money Transfer!

BILL ELLIOTT got some free tix!

WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE: PERFECTSHAWN & THE EVENT v. KRONYKK - Let Us Take You Back to Thunder where this team won the titles via means so devious I've already forgotten about them. THE NEW GODFATHER OF SOUL walks out ninety seconds in so it's auto-pilot time for me. When everybody gets out of the ring, Cat goes IN the ring and puts a chickenwing on referee "Blind" Billy Silverman. We never really figure out what's up with that - only that a countout is involved. End comes when Perfectshawn (whose tights still read "Perfect 1" - oh well) is rolled back into the ring by Adams and Cat, on the house misc, quickly counts "8-9-10-ring the bell!" and declares the champions retain by countout. (COR 6:03) Cat tells Kronic not to take retribution on him or his best friend Eric Bischoff will fire them right then and there. Kronic go for High Time anyway, but the tag team champs make the save.

Meanwhile, Kidman catches up to Torrie at her locker and berates her. Major Gunns tries to interject on Torrie's behalf, but he tells her to "mind your business - you dumb bitch!" He tells Torrie to stay put - they'll finish this after his match.

Meanwhile, Kevin Nash, Scott Steiner and the hooches arrive at the arena - and they're WALKING! PAMELA PAULSHOCK tries to get Nash's reaction to the gauntlet. Nash asks if Goldberg is here yet. "So that means I'm the last one here, right? My gimmick's alive! I'm the last one in the building! Ha ha ha!" Does ANYBODY get that?

Promotional consideration paid for by Aqua Velva's Ice Sport, Slim Jim (no Savage), Super Soaker, America (ha!) Online, and Aqua Velva's Ice Sport (again)

Close captioning brought to you by MEINEKE!

In the locker room, the Misfits in Action....no

Kevin Nash and Bill Goldberg do the Wonder Twin Powers ring touch - Scott Steiner wishes him luck as well. Nash tells Goldberg (and the camera) that he owes him one. I'm guessing one of these guys will turn on the other, and somebody working for 1wrestling will call it "a brilliant swerve"

GI BRO (with the Misfits in Action) v. BILLY KIDMAN (with the Filthy Animals) - Bro asks that the music be cut, and goes on to tell Kidman that he's gonna show him how to treat a woman, sucka. GI Bro takes on Perfectshawn in a Boot Camp match Sunday. No comment is necessary. Kidman asks for HIS music to be cut. "If it's a war you want, it's a war you'll get!" Skip ahead to Bro setting up Kidman for Shattered Dreams and calling in Gunns to do the honours. But before it happens, TORRIE SAMUDA comes out and saves Kidman - only to Golota him. Only....Kidman had a cup on. Follow all that? Bro gives Kidman Rock Bottom, rendering all these angles moot. 1, 2, 3. (1:53) Say, you think Kidman still has a chance to beat Hogan on Sunday? All ten men cluster it up in the ring post-match - Kidman wields the chair and the Animals come out on top. Who cares. Booker T vs. Billy Kidman used to be my DREAM MATCH PPV MAIN EVENT. Look what they've done to WCW. You want to turn away, don't you - LOOK AT IT!!

TANK ABBOTT shadow boxes! Top of the hour!

NEXT: Eric Bischoff and Cat are WALKING! Bischoff carries a trashcan and he's gon' GIT that Terry Funk, yo

The NITRO GRRLS *sprint* down the ramp - we're not supposed to see them - oops

TERRY FUNK v. CRACKA EAZY-E (with the New Godfather of Soul) for the World Hardcore Championship - Champ enters first because I don't really care. Let Us Take You Back to Spring Stampede, Thunder two weeks ago, Last Week's Nitro, and Last Week's Thunder - it's been a lotta fun for Terry Funk. Cat leads the way for Bischoff - here, catch this chair - cartwheel kick van Daminator. Cat gives nunchuks to Bischoff - Funk uses the garbage can on Cat. Bischoff threatens with the 'chuks - but only gets the can. Funk dares him - another shot to the can. Funk parrying them pretty well. Can to Bischoff's head! Cat rescues Bischoff and they walk down the raised entryway. Funk throws a can at them. Funk decides to follow them - well, throwing the can at them again. Everybody's gone. (No contest?)

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, SCOTT HUDSON & BRUNO SAMMARTINO.

MISS HANCOCK comes out - catch "Clerks" Wednesdays at 9:30 on ABC! Before she can start dancing for no reason - what's her angle again? Who knows? KIMBRRLY and AWESOME MULLET come out. Kim accuses Hancock of trying to steal her spotlight, then ACTS VERY POORLY. It ends with her telling her that "the secretary/stripper look went out in 1993," takes her clipboard and breaks it over her back. Then they walk away. Hancock takes the mic and

Backstage, Vince Russo watches this through his fingers and sends "Johnny" and "Skull" out to end this.

Back to the ring, where Funk promises to not only show Bischoff his wrinkled old ass, but give him "a bird's eye view" - as Funk pulls down his tights - Jesus - here comes the MAMALUKES into the ring - Funk does all right with Johnny, but Vito manages to get the better of him. Now the doubleteam kicks in - chair across Funk's face - Vito with an elbowdrop off the second rope onto the chair. Johnny puts the trashcan lid on Funk's privates, and Vito makes martial with a broomstick. The beating will continue until morale improves. Vito with a DDT. Hey, how about that C.G. Afi on ECW, huh? That was some SICK bumping going on. Mamalukes put Bischoff on top of Funk - Techer over to count - 1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new hardcore champion. Boy, this show is sucking. (8:30 - sorta)

Tank Abbott tapes up!

NEXT: Scott Steiner and his hooches are WALKING!

Oh yeah...let me tick these off before YOU get ticked off...I'm not a journalist, I'm not objective, I'm not impartial, and don't you DARE think I'm supposed to even INSINUATE otherwise.

Great American Bash hype - Vampiro will be there - Sunday - order and get a Hulkster inflatable raft!

Outside the arena, a white limousine pulls up - and Ric Flair gets out...along with Reid...and Beth. Oh oh, I think Nash's in-joke doesn't make sense anymore!

SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with Breasts One Through Four) v. JOBBIN' VAMPIRO in a match that may or may not be for the United States Heavyweight Championship - "You know, me and my freaks came into town a little early, 'cause we heard Hotlanta loved to party. So we went down to this club called Tongue In Groove and this freak comes up to me and says she's been lookin' for love in all the wrong places. Now that's a hell of a lot of things to say to me so I look in her eyes and I say I might not know how to love ya but I damn sure know how to touch ya. So why don't you quit lustin' it and let me bust it. So I took her back to my place and I gave her this feeling, that I knew she hit the ceiling, and she called me the Big Bad Booty Daddy. So this goes to all my freaks out there - Big Poppa Pump is your hookup - holler if you hear me!" The New Blood is on the cover of WCW Magazine - well, actually Kidman, Douglas, Steiner, Vampiro and (in the center, natch) Russo & Bischoff are on the cover. WCW is projected to lose SIXTY MILLION DOLLARS this year. Vampiro has a gasoline can and blowtorch with him. Hudson says the belt IS on the line here, which seems to guarantee what was pretty well assured anyway - Vampiro would be jobbin'. Commentators spend more time talking about the "we swear it's coming really soon - please stay tuned" Goldberg-Abbott match thatn this match. Vampiro goes through the commentary table and somebody gets muted.

Tank Abbott - is - WALKING!

Promotional consideration paid for by "WCW Nitro for Men" - buy it at Perfumania.com, Motel 6 7/8, Corn Nuts, Targon Mouthwash, and Bubble Yum - the gum for ducks with mohawks!

JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE (with TV-14-DL ratings box) v. JOBBED TO A LIMOUSINE WINDOW - Doug Dillinja is SO HAPPY that he's doing the Goldberg entrance for someone who isn't Tank Abbott that he almost cracks a smile! (entrance: 1:23) Run-in by RICK WOOF WOOF, "Theme from Wolfpac" plays and KEVIN NASH comes in from behind through the crowd to counteract him. Spear, jackhammer, let's hope it popped a big rating, 'cause you can't hotshot with it again. (2:15) Crowd DID get it up for Goldberg, though, so that's a point for them.

Thunder ad

Goldberg thanks Nash, then commands "Stitch me up!"

Pamela Paulshock attempts to interview Kimberly and Mike Awesome.

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. (THIS IS) STING for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship - Jarrett's music now starts with "The Chosen One" to help out those of you with short memories. Champ enters first because he doesn't have cool lighting and Metallica. Sting pins Jarrett (2:26) but CRACKA EAZY-E comes out to tell us that he never said this match was for the strap - this was a *nontitle* match. Sting takes it out on Jarret, putting him through the remains of the commentator's table, the barricade, Scorpion Deathlock on the aisle, Hudson says "Dusty finish" but even the smarts have tuned out by now. Sting retrieves the gee-tar - KABONG! Jarrett falls off the ramp to the floor. Sting advances on Bischoff, who makes a melodramatic escape. Eric Bischoff is the world hardcore champion, by the way. Sixty MILLION dollars.

Jimmy Barron phones it in - the Great American Bash is Sunday at the Baltimore Arena - reasonable seats still available! Say hi to Jeff Amdur - he'll have a whole section to himself!

Moments Ago, Sting completed a screwy Sunset flip thanks to Billy Silverman and pinned Jarrett. During the Break, Jarrett was gurneyed up.

Coming back "live," Bischoff says to anyone that will listen that "this company goes nowhere without him! He's the Heavyweight Champion of the World! Be careful!" Does Russo know about this?

AWESOME MULLET promises that though Page will be in traction after Sunday, the nurses give great sponge baths. Then he introduces KIMBRRLY. They stole the same sample that DJ Rap did for Kim's theme - right, Kim?

AWESOME MULLET & KIMBRRLY v. MISS HANCOCK & ? in mixed tag "action" - somehow, she found another clipboard. Did you see "Mallrats" on FX this weekend? Hancock produces a release she typed up herself - if she messes up Kimberly's looks, she can't be held fiscally responsible. Kimberly acts very poorly and agrees to sign it. Hancock's partner is...

Pamela Paulshock stands in front of an exciting door! She says that Hulk Hogan just told her, and she quotes, "there's no way in hell Hulk Hogan will fight Horace tonight."

HORACE (with Cracka Eazy-E) v. YOU KNOW WHO - Bischoff says Hulk Hogan won't be here tonight, so we won't have to see him tonight. Bischoff invites him out to "forfeit like a man." But, the NWO porno theme plays and out he comes in Hollywood garb. "You know something, gentlemen, I said that Hulk Hogan wasn't gonna wrestle tonight, but I didn't say a damn thing about Hollywood! And it sure feels good to be bad again, so lower that damn cage, and I'll show you how bad I am Horace!" Oh my - he's transformed from Hulk to Hollywood - I hope we get some serious Yapapi Strapation - YES! THE WEIGHT BELT IS OFF! Horace manages to kick a chair into Hogan's head, but Hogan ducks a followup and comes right back.

Pamela Paulshock interviews the Flair family, and sounds like she's trying REALLY hard to get that entire question out before she forgets it. Flair promises that Vince Russo will bleed, sweat AND pay the price tonight.

Meanwhile, Vince Russo is WALKING! He's talking to David on the phone - he's apparently stuck in traffic. Russo is...ancy.

Kevin Nash laces up, until the voice says "clear"

VIC VENOM v. THE MAN (with Beth & Reid Fleihr) within the confines of the steel cage - And another thing...Russo's voice has been *cracking* all night! Y'know, that's not exactly the type of character trait you associate with "toughness." Lockup, side headlock by Russo (ha), powered out on the ropes, shoulderblock by Russo, who celebrates - so Flair walks over and grabs him - jostling for position in the corner, Russo's trick knee acts up. Russo chops (ha) Flair. Mocking strut and pose - Flair rips off Russo's shirt (noooooooo) and chops him. Chop! Chop! Flair off the ropes with a big kick to the...does he have one? Flair with a backdrop suplex. Flair with a kneedrop to the face that looked a LOT like it wasn't pulled...we could only hope Russo's nose was broken, but you gotta think Flair's too much of a professional to do it. Flair follows outside and runs Russo into the wall of the cage. Another gunshot chop. Into another wall. Russo's chest looks like hamburger. Another chop. Six piston rights. Flair poses with Russo for the camera, then runs him into another wall. DAVID FLAIR appears from...somewhere. Only Vince Russo can write a run-in for a steel cage match. Russo backhands referee "Blind" Charles Robinson and goes for the door, but Reid stops his attempts to open the door by gnawing on his finger. In the ring, Flair backdrops his son. Chop! Into the corner - DAVID FLAIR FLIP! Flair runs the apron and clotheslines him to the floor - strut - and now he's out after David. Into the cage wall. Into another cage wall. Right hand. Meanwhile, Russo has a ladder in the ring. Chop by Flair to David - right. Chop and mute, Russo has the ladder set up after several false starts. Flair over to try to stop him, but Russo kicks him away. Russo pulls a roof panel down. Russo rakes Flair's face and climbs up to the top of the cage. Flair follows. Flair making the "I'm gonna chuck him" motion - ohhh, I WISH. Flair has Russo - chop! Russo with another "almost" eye gouge, which Ric sells. Russo climbing back down to the ring - Flair steps on his hands and Russo falls to the mat. Robinson gets the ladder back in place and Flair climbs down. Flair removes the ladder from the ring. Stomping for David, stomping for Russo, figure four coming up. Russo writhing around - he probably should have tapped by now - got David's hand -

Scott Steiner with some final words of luck for Kevin Nash. I didn't hear it but I think it was like "good luck, man - I'm gonna turn on you soon, but it'll be a complete shock, okay?"

Great American Bash hype - Vampiro vs. Sting - Sunday!

Our commentators try to convince us that, really, what we've just watched has been a really, really great show - really! Here's a replay of the red stuff falling on Ric Flair - don't you dare call it blood!

KEVIN NASH runs the Gauntlet - Quick prediction: Nash squashes everybody, ostensibly burying everybody that people SWEAR are getting pushes. Hey, let's hope I'm wrong... Russo's music plays one more time - out come the NEW BLOOD ORDER. Russo, still covered in red, has THE STICK: "Nash...I'm here to reiterate the rules, ya big .... you get pinned by any one of the New Blood, and you lose your shot at the Great American Bash. And if any of the Millionaires attempt to help you, you lose your shot at the Great American Bash."

DISCO INFERNO is first - hey, remember when these guys were friends? Inferno climbs on Nash's back, but Nash falls backward and sideways into a sidewalk slam for the pinfall (:08).

Here comes CHRIS CANDIDO. Big boot. Truckstop powerbomb. As JOHNNY THE BULL comes in, referee "Blind" Mark Johnson drops and counts to three - despite the fact that NO part of Kevin Nash is touch ANY part of Chris Candido. What the HELL kinda rules are THESE? He doesn't even have to COVER them to get the fall? Why isn't HE getting pinned? THEY'RE not touching HIM either! Ugh. (:25) Johnny gets a powerbomb following the knee. (:30) BIG VITO is in - knee, knee, powerbomb. Nash at least tries to put a foot on his chest while Johnson counts to three (:47) He doesn't have to cover him! RAYMOND STEREO is in - well SURELY the Giant Killer will take care of Nash...big boot stops the charge. Nash steps on his chest - 1, 2, 3. (1:02) DE JUICE runs off. I guess Johnson will someone work a quick ten count to take care of him, right? PERFECTSHAWN is in - THE EVENT, JOBBIN' VAMPIRO, SHANE DOUGLAS, AWESOME MULLET, KONNAN....now COLD BEER's music hits and HE comes lumbering out...double spear for the tag team champs. Douglas and Vampiro kick Goldberg, but Nash and Goldberg manage to work over both of them - and clear the ring. Play Goldberg's music! It's over. (2:13) Yeah, Nash went through a dozen New Blood members in just over two minutes. Now, keep in mind that this is only MY opinion - it may not necessarily be yours. THIS WAS A FUCKING JOKE. Now CRACKA EAZY-E is out. "Goldberg - Goldberg, I warned you - I warned you - and Wednesday at Thunder, I will SUSPEND you - I warned you!" "Hey Bischoff! You suspend me...and your ass is next!" With this camera shot, we miss the pyro from the corners - oh well. Tony: "What a moment! What a program we've seen! What a sendoff to Wednesday on Thunder...and to the Great American Bash this Sunday! GOODNIIIIIIIGHT!"

Man...I *really* thought I'd manage to keep churning out reports until WCW went under. Of course...it can't POSSIBLY get worse.....

...can it?

AFTER THE FACT: Stephen Popick was there: I was in attendance at the WCW show in Atlanta on free tickets from J.J. Dillon. I was glad I hadn't paid for them.

What I wanted to share with you were the numerous production errors that happened during the show. To the best of my memory, here's a rundown.

1) Kronix was supposed to deliver the High Times to (Palumbo or Stasiak?) through the table, but they couldnt get the table through the ring because the legs came down and got stuck on one end.

2) The Nitro Girls came out to do a dance routine with Cypress Hill's Rock Star song, only to be stopped soon after by the Funk.Bischoff Match. They had to run off to avoid the TV

---Speaking of the Nitro Girls, they had several other miscues which resulted in about 2 dance numbers that lasted no more than 15 seconds.

4) During the Flair v Russo Match, 2 errors took place. The entire audience saw David Flair go under the ring for no surprise to us. As well, the could not unlock the cage door even though they were supposed to ... We could see Flair and Russo communicating about the door ... This error was noticed when a replacement referee was trying to get in for a bloodied Charles Robinson.

5) They played Goldberg's music during Bischoff's entrance movie...wtf?

I just hope my Wrong Channel Jackass sign got on TV...oh well

For a side fact --- Besides Goldberg, the biggest pop was for miss hancock...go figure

another side note --- Tank Abbott took out Jimmy Baron (Road Report dood from 99x here in Atlanta) much to everyone's liking before WCW started its show...he did a good job selling it.

have a good one!

HA!