Hey, look at me! I actually forgot! All those saturation reminders and I STILL go and set the VCR for Monday night! Make fun of me!

QUICK QUOTES: A day late - AOL 60 3/4 (+ 5), TWX 87 1/2 (+ 7 5/16), SPLN 16 3/4 (+ 1 3/4 - last year this time 39 3/16)

TV-14-DL - Scott Hudson narrates a Special Video Look at Scott Steiner - close captioned logo - from the Bash through Thunder - "In any other walk of life, Scott Steiner would be behind bars...or worse. For his actions, this madman earned yet another suspension to add to his growing list. However, despite the fines and punishment, WCW's athletes, announcers and employees continue to fear for their safety. The fact is, with every disciplinary action, Scott Steiner only gets worse. The question is, can anyone stop this ticking time bomb before he detonates? (Picture of a mushroom cloud superimposed over his mug - nice) Only time will tell."

Opening graphic is probably the first of many times we'll see "Monday" tonight

Outside the arena, Scott Steiner takes a lead pipe to Booker T's brand new car. Midajah stands by. Rick Steiner enters the picture and tells him it's time to hotfoot it, and they take off.

Light the PYRO! It may be Tuesday but it's still WCW MONDAY NITRO LIVE - from the Palace of Auburn Hills, MI 18.7.2K on TNT and unopposed, so let's start it right off with

Hey look! It's the NITRO GRRLS!

Emerging from the entryway, and with three Nitro Girls on each arm is CAT. Wow, haven't we *all* missed looking at Chae's ass? The Kane flashpots fire off in the hopes that we'll be confused into thinking this is some other show. "Okay, may I please have your attention. May I please have your attention. Shut the hell up! Now, listen here people, I got a real big show planned here tonight, just for you people out here in Detroit. You know, I'm so happy, I feel so good, somebody call my momma! Now, tonight, I'm gonna put on a tournament that's gon' crown a US Champion here tonight. Man, this so good, let's get right to it, now the first round. The first round will be Chris Kanyon against Mike Awesome. Now, Lance Storm will face Buff Bagwell. Vampiro versus the Great Muta! And this is the good one, we got the Franchise against Billy Kidman. You know, I feel so good, I'm the Commissioner, and I'm gonna do this just because I'm the greatest commissioner of all time. Now, now wait a minute, wait a minute, I got a few rules - hey, I gotta a coupla rules now for you people. I don't want you people talkin' too loud during my show. Now, I want all you fatass people right here in the front row to stay your ass in your seat. I don't want you to block the view for all the people out there. Now, hold on, if you cannot follow my rules, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna have security guards to haul your big asses outta there. No, no wait a minute, since I'm the Greatest, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna have my security guard lock every damn door in this place, and I'm gon' kick everybody's ass in here!" Cat starts to dance, but he hasn't seen backstage, where the Steiners and Midajah have spied him on a monitor - and Scott's broken it on the concrete floor. The siren fires up and out come WHITE THUNDER & MIDAJAH. The Nitro Girls scatter as Steiner walks down the aisle. Cat directs one security guy in front of him. Steiner hits the ring - and the Security guy scatters, having (figuratively) wet his pants. Steiner grabs Cat by the neck and immediately gets muted. Detroit is HIS town, and he wants his title shot. BOOKA T's music hits and out he comes - right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, T ducks, right, right, right, discus right, head to the buckle, RICK WOOF WOOF is out and attacking from behind. Commentator STEVIE RAY drops his headset and hits the ring - it's the 90's all over again...anybody seen Col. Rob Parker? Before we can see one team turn the tide, SECURITY amasses in greater numbers and manages to separate all four men. It seems that in the previous brawl, the Cat's wheels have been spinning. He says there's no way Steiner will get a title match after putting his hands on him. "Let me tell you something, you stupid bitch," - at this point, Rick manages to get a good shot in. "The only thing I'm gon' give you - I'm gon' give you my ass so you can kiss it." Cat says he'll give Steiner Goldberg tonight. Steiner continues to rave and scream.

Buff and Judy Bagwell - are - WALKING!

New Blood Rising is 13 August! "Are you prepared to say you didn't see it?" Well...

Ooh yeah! "Enter the Dragon" is NEXT!!

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (no Savage), America (ha!) Online, Boston Market TV dinners, Motel 6 7/8, and the kid who sees Bruce Willis - I haven't seen the flick, but that's what I heard from Hyatte

"POSITIVELY" KANYON v. AWESOME MULLET in a United States Heavyweight tournament quarterfinal - Kanyon's gone beyond the wig and just dyed his own hair...probably a good move, assuming they've figured out how this whole thing ends - we'll give 50/50 odds on that. Of course, he hasn't gotten a perm yet...Awesome's graphic no longer has "Career Killer" on it, so I guess that's finally done. Before the match starts, BUFF DADDY BAGWELL & JUDGE JUDY BAGWELL come out. The Mark is quick to remind us all that Judy is a former tag team champion - geez, you know there are *some* things that are better left buried in the realm of Internet recaps for the smarks and not brought back up to the *entire viewing nation* in on-air colour commentary. Bagwell makes a show of shaking Awesome's hand before the match - see, 'cause Kanyon put Judy in that neck brace last Wednesday. If Russo were here, that would signal that Buff is going to turn on Awesome later in this match. Looks like the Bagwells will continue the game of Musical Chairs and take third (and fourth) headset as we get underway. Lockup, gutshot by Kanyon, elbow, right, right, into the opposite corner, Awesome scales the corner Bull Buchanan-style and unleashes a back elbow. Awesome quickly outside and to the top - but Kanyon throws a right. Kanyon climbing up - headbutted down - flying clothesline - off the ropes with the Awesome splash - only 2. Kanyon turns it with a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Kanyon putting him in the ropes - on the shoulders - into an Argentinian flapjack for 2. Right, right, off the ropes at quarter-speed - geez, what's up with that? Kanyon dumps him out on the apron, right hand puts him on the floor. Awesome ready to fly - off the ropes with the no-hands flying clothesline to the floor! Awesome says "Table!" earning him a Dudley Boyz pop. The table is duly set up on the floor. Back to punches for Kanyon, put on the apron. Pointing at the table - Kanyon with an uppernut. And there's a Kanyon cutter through the table. Kanyon makes the diamond for the camera. Referee "Blind" Billy Silverman over to check on Awesome as Kanyon saunters over to Bagwell. HE gets up and tries to attack Kanyon, but Kanyon cowers down...putting him in perfect position for his trick knee to act up. Now *Mama* is over and slapping Kanyon - that, friends, is a bad idea. Kanyon muscles her down by the neck brace - ohhhhh! Buff from behind - into the barricade. Now, I may have "issues" with the Mark, but I gotta say that there's no reason at all for the mute guy to continually drop out the audio on "Oh my (Lord)" and I hope he bitches at somebody about that. Inside the ring, Buff is in position for the Blockbuster - and there it is. Now I have NO idea how Silverman can still be checking on Awesome all this time, but apparently he was. Now Awesome is in the ring - 1 - 2 - NO! Hey, somebody tell Johnny Ace that sometimes the predictable fall is okay to have. Anyway, Awesome putting him up for a cruicifix bomb, but Kanyon slides down and reverses the arm hooks - backslide gets...2. Awesome ducks a clothesline and hits a release German suplex. Got him up for the crucifix bomb - running Awesome bomb - hit it! 1, 2, 3. Awesome moves on. (4:47) A fat chick throws her boxers to Awesome. That's his gimmick this week, guys - he digs the fat chicks. Well, you can't win the US title with a gimmick like *that*, can you? Besides, didn't he already turn this belt down?

PAMELA PAULSHOCK stands with Lance Storm, who is doing his junior high safety guard position. He doesn't sing or dance, you know. When you have to wrestle three times in a night, you can throw that sports entertainment out the window. When he wins, they'll have to rename it the Canadian Heavyweight Championship. Well, I'll just cross HIM off the list.

Close captioning (where available) sponsored by Meineke - and the Foreman family!

Backstage, Buff gives his mother to...some guy, and has him load her up in the car, where it's safe. Oh, no, Tony tells us that's his brother. Thanks, Tony!

Meanwhile, Kanyon hits up Smooth for something. Smooth says "smooth."

Looking at this (now) updated graphic, I can't help but notice that this font makes all the "E's" look like "I's" and it's very confusing. So AWISOMI defeated POSITIVILY...oy. Let's move on!

BUFF

In the Cat's office, Cat hits on one of the Nitro Grrls whose name I don't know - suddenly, the music fires up which can only mean that Kato 1, 2, & 3 are set to attack. They actually get the upper hand on the commish until Stevie Ray shows up and beats them down. Cat pulls him off. "Don't kill 'em, man - we're just playing! These are my friends!" Cat wants to know what he's doing coming in without knocking. Ray says he wants Jarrett and he wants him tonight! Cat says if he lets he and the Dragons play, he can have Jarrett tonight - oh, and "tell that girl I'll be with her in one minute. Okay, guys - let's finish." The music starts up again...but we are spared by going to break.

Promotional consideration paid for by Targon, Corn Nuts, Bubble Yum, America (ha!) Online, Boston Market homestyle meals, and Stone Street Capital cash scam. Funny they'd get all the promos out in the first forty minutes - are they worried everybody's gonna switch to "Family Guy" at 9?

"Moments Ago" shows the security camera footage once again - Smooth takes Buff's brother out of the picture, telling him there's trouble in the ring...then he places Judy in the passenger seat and takes off. THEN, and this is the part we DIDN'T see earlier, Kanyon shows up and brings Judy out by the neck...and out of the picture. We hear "BANG!" just off camera.

Coming back live...yep, Judy Bagwell has been laid out again. Buff yells at his brother, who tries to explain why he wasn't around.

Meanwhile, Midajah finds Scott Steiner sitting on a chair, pipe in hand. He's waiting for Goldberg to arrive so he can beat him senseless, and he'd like her to please get outta there.

Another look at the US Title Tournament graphic.

GREAT MUTA v. JOBBIN' VAMPIRO (with Demon & Insane Clown Posse) in a United States Heavyweight championship tournament quarterfinal - They actually bust out some historical footage of Muta - showing his '91 match in Japan with Sting...and '92 match *teaming* with Sting against the Steiners. No, that's no typo - the ICP are back and accompanying Vampiro, who comes out to "Take It." Vampiro's paint has taken on a clownish appearance. The Mark identifies the song as "their new hit single" - oof. Mayhem came out almost a year ago. Muta putting the "V" to his neck - yeah!! As soon as the bell rings, Muta strikes. Pounding from behind, mist for Shaggy 2 Dope, jumping back kick for Violent J, kick for Shaggy, big mist in the centre of the ring - Vampiro comes back and gets him from behind. Vampiro with a palm thrust to the throat. Right hand. Muta sprays his hair on now. Muta to his feet - but Vampiro off the ropes with a spin kick for 2. Headbutt by Vampiro.

Over to Steiner, who has a target locked - but the pipe only finds the large abdomen of ... Ralphus. He gets a right hand and another shot as well. Norman Smiley backs up - and falls over Steiner's chair. Steiner puts it to his throat, clothesline style - then shoves him in the garage door and waffles him one more time. Geez, is that thing made out of styrofoam or something? Listen to that *wiffle*!

Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday where Franchise and Kidman had some issues...Torrie was involved

FRANCHISE (with Torrie Samuda) v. BILLY KIDMAN in a United States heavyweight tournament quarterfinal - "First off, let's state some facts - the Franchise does not suck! Billy Kidman, sit down and shut up. Billy Kidman, I'm sure you can sympathize with me, my friend. Take it easy on me - I'm worn out. Me 'n' Torrie here, well, we've been spending the last week, uh, getting to know each other and ha ha ha - man am I tired! Ha ha ha ha ha! Let's state a few facts for you Motor City Morons. Fact: Billy Kidman, you've lost a woman like this because you weren't man enough to hold her, and I wonder what's worse: to be like some of these morons and never have a woman like Torrie...or is it worse to have had a woman like Torrie and lost her to a Franchise, dahaha. The fact, Billy, is you are not, nor will you ever be a Franchise. The fact, Auburn Hills, is tonight I become US Heavyweight Champion and there ain't a damn thing you all can do about it, and that's a fact, JAAAAAAAAAACK-UUUUUUUUH." "Billy Kidman - before your match with my new man tonight, I have a little tidbit to tell ya. You see, Billy, your whole life has been about passion - passion for the business, passion for wrestling, passion for me. Of course, I did have to fake it every single night, but that's another story. So what you don't realise, Billy...is that I played you for everything you had...and then I moved on. In other words, Billy - Franchise is more of a man than you will ever be, and the whole time I was with you, all I could think about was getting my ass Franchised! (cackle)" Kidman rushes the ring and a slugfest erupts - neither man getting the advantage. Well, now Franchise is - all the stomping helps. "Billy Kidman, huh?" Kidman with a gutshot - Franchise with a front suplex. Snapping his neck back off the run. Now distracting referee "Blind" Charles Robinson so Torrie can choke him on the second rope. Franchise runs at Kidman, but he dumps him to the floor. Baseball slide dropkick and both men are out - but Kidman is pointing to Torrie. Franchise put into the STEEL steps (more like the post - ouch) - European forearms - Franchise ducks one and crotches him on the post. Kidman bounces off the barricade on his way back. Head to the apron, Kidman rolls in - Franchise climbing the corner - Kidman over to crotch him on the top. Kidman moving Franchise's legs and setting up for a Frankensteiner as we see Torrie with a chair. Off the ropes, reversed, sliding under, Kidman with a headscissors takeover, flying jalapeno that does nothing, pounding on Franchise, elbow, into the ropes, dropkick, off the ropes with a lariat, off the ropes with a back elbow, off the ropes into a trip from Torrie. Pittsburgh Plunge from Franchise - 1, 2, JOHNNY ACE! Man, *everybody* kicks out of that these days. Franchise going for a suplex - but Kidman goes down the back. They run to the ropes - was that a collision with Torrie on the apron? 1, 2, JOHNNY ACE! Kidman kicked out into a collision with Torrie's chair - Franchise covers - 1, 2, JOHNNY ACE! As Herb would say, all these near falls would be exciting if this match *wasn't only three minutes old.*

NEXT: 3 Count has a ladder - and they're WALKING!

Meanwhile, Goldberg drives up outside the building! Will the person on the other end of the cel phone warn him about Steiner? Stick around!

Buff Bagwell carries the power of the WCW MasterCard. It even pays for ambulance rides FO YO MOMMA!

Goldberg meets and greets some local bikers.

We cut to the other side of the door where Scott Steiner (and TV-14-DL) lay in wait

In the ring, JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE has THE STICK: "You know something, down the road at the Silverdome, 'N Sync's playin' to an empty house, because the real deal is here! Do you guys want the best? Do you want the best? I give you the baddest band in rock'n'roll history - I give you 3 COUNT!" We see that the gold record is hanging from the rafters...which doesn't explain why they need the ladder *now*, but...ah, there's going to be a 3 Count/Jung Dragons ladder match at New Blood Rising. So the ladder is--wait, the Dragons had stolen the gold record last week? THEY put it up there *tonight?* Ohhhh, my head hurts. Before you know it...

JUNG DRAGONS v. 3 COUNT - the Dragons sneak up on the ladder (as evidenced by Jamie-san's comedic "shhh! Don't tell them we're right behind them" pantomime) as 3 Count perform "Sing Along with 3 Count" and now it seems that that New Blood Rising match just might be taking place *tonight.* Tank Abbott takes third headset as a Pier Six breaks out. Abbott repeatedly calls The Mark "marshmallow ass." The ladder FINALLY spills and Karagias and Jamie-san land on the top rope. Karagias and Moore put the ladder up as a bridge in the corner. Yang puts Moore on the ladder, but they flub the spot and Moore ends up crashing to the mat - and the ladder falls on him. Jamie-san puts Moore on the ladder again...Jamie-san up as well - very gingerly set up for the superplex! Yang with a splash onto Moore - Helms diving off the top, over the ladder and hitting Yang with a grazing legdrop to the back of the head. Kaz misses a top-rope splash with a twist. Karagias airplane spins the ladder as the other five men play Terry Funk. Karagias sets up the ladder in the centre of the ring as Abbott says he's going for his square. Jamie-san climbing up behind Karagias - Karagias with a back kick and he falls to the mat. Kaz and Yang over to shove the ladder - Karagais *supposed* top land on Abbott...but breaking his ankle instead. Jesus. Jamiesan climbs up and gets the Gold Record. I guess *this* was the ladder match? Dragons still have the gold record. We'll probably never see them again. Injury = fired, you know. (3:18)

Backstage we go where Goldberg enters, ducks the pipe shot and takes it to Steiner. Brief brawl erupts - security in - security down. Goldberg and Steiner going back at it and now the *wrestlers* are out to separate them. Steiner is yelling an awful lot.

Thunder ad still has Hogan in it

New Blood Rising promo #2

Moments Ago - three

Coming back live, Rick tries to offer some advice to Scott, who wants none of it. Midajah stands nearby

Here's another look at the graphic

AWESOME MULLET v. GREAT MUTA in a United States Heavyweight Championship semifinal - Muta tries a roundhouse but Awesome backs up - Awesome wants to go toe to toe but Muta prefers kicking. Lockup, side headlock by Awesome. Into the ropes, shoulderblock by Awesome. Off the ropes, catching Muta in a bearhug and turning it into a throw. We take special look at two plus sized plants - err, women with Awesome signs in the front row. Right, right, right, into the opposite corner, Muta sidesteps the avalanche and unleashes a kick and a right, there's another right. Into the ropes is reversed, Muta tumbles under - dropkick. Awesome rolls outside to catch his breath. Muta follows. Awesome reverses the whip and Muta hits the barricade. Muta put into the post. Awesome offering to run him through the commentary table. Muta breaks free with an eyepoke. "Geez" is muted, but "God" is not. Muta throwing strikes - it's mist time...GREEN MIST TO THE MARK!! Awesome with a clothesline on Muta. "I think I'm okay...I have these glasses on, so..." Aw, retch. Back to the ring, nice missile dropkick by Muta. Muta puts him on the top turnbuckle and climbs up for the Frankensteiner. Into the corner, boot up by Awesome, running lariat. "That's it!" Got him up for the Awesome bomb - and hitting it! 1, 2, 3! (3:35) More importantly than Awesome moving to the finals...the colour commentator needs to go change his Hawaiian shirt. We take a long, loving look at ... holy cow, I don't care HOW much weight he's lost - he's STILL fat

Meanwhile, backstage, Buff Bagwell beats up Smooth - until Kanyon makes the save from behind and a doubleteam beatdown ensues

Jeff Jarrett sells TracFone.

Jimmy Barron phones it in with 1-800-CAL-LATT - the CSU Convocation Center in Cleveland, OH hosts Nitro next *Monday!*

The Mark heads backstage with his green-misted shirt, only to stumble upon...Kiwi. Paisley interrupts - but Artists pulls her off. We leave, seeing Kiwi strike a pose. Then he sticks out his tongue and gives a thumbs down! ANGRY ALLEN FUNK IS BACK! HE'S...oh, wait, I just imagined that bit. Oh, there was a lady back there as well - maybe next week we'll learn who *she* is. Or maybe they'll pull the plug.

FRANCHISE (with Torrie Samuda) v. LANCE STORM in a United States Heavyweight Championship tournament semifinal - we cut briefly to a shot of Scott Steiner in some magazine - apparently by mistaike. Staredown in the ring; I guess we're not going to get a Canadian national anthem here. Storm with a shove, Franchise with six rights, into the ropes, Storm slides under, elbow, off the ropes, but Franchise dumps him out to the floor. Storm over to pull HIM out by the ankles. Franchise to the barricade. Franchise to the apron. Torrie Wilson to Storm's back - wha? Storm turns it around, but Franchise gets in a shot to the back. Storm to the barricade. Whip into a barricade, atomic drop. Franchise: "Canada my ass!" Who's the face in this match? Back in the ring - Franchise on top - crossbody gets 2. Snapmares him over, there's the ol' Hennig snapback. Well, it was fun while it lasted but The Mark is back out. Time for a few minutes of Kiwi talk. Franchise stomping away on Storm. Storm to the body to regain control - standing dropkick. Into the ropes, reversed, big atomic drop by Franchise - running clothesline. "Canada sucks!" Didn't this guy renounce his American citizenship? Snap suplex - holding on for two - holding on...Storm fighting it - but there's a half hour...well, not suplex; dropping him down for 2. Storm ducks, again, but not that powerslam. 1, 2, no. We see BILLY KIDMAN sitting at the top of the entryway, watching the match and eating popcorn. Storm with a hot shot. Repeated kicks to the back of the leg by Storm, Franchise punches back, Storm ducks and drops his knee across HIS knee, superkick gets 2. Franchise ducks a giant heel kick and tries to lock him in for the fishermanbuster, but Storm frees himself, kicks the knee, comes off the ropes - into a belly-to-belly from the Franchise.

Rick Steiner has a chat with Midajah - what are they saying?

NEXT: Stevie Ray is WALKING!

Can you really call him "our former broadcast partner" when he was out there, what, five minutes?

Let Us Take You Back to Eariler Tonight where Jarrett parted Stevie Ray's hair with the silver gee-tar

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. STEVIE RAY - Here is your preliminary New Blood Rising card, listen up here:

Backstage, Cat, brandishing his zebra shirt, knocks on the door to Booker T's dressing room. Cat wants to talk to him about...well, we didn't hear it. T looks hither and yon before closing his dressing room door...

New Blood Rising promo #3

Jarrett sells TracFone #2

Out comes THE CAT - is he a heel? Is he a face? Who can say?

Out comes BOOKA T. - umm, he ain't in this matchup. I suppose he's out for *his* turn at colour commentary. "Uhhhhhhhhh!"

WHITE THUNDER (with Midajah) v. $OLDBERG - hey, guess which freakishly large wrestler is featured in the current issue of "Iron Man?" Here's a hint: he's coming out wearing a wig made out of soda can pop tops. Hey now, is Goldberg a face yet? Hey, I think I'm *offended* by that "GOLDBERG = JEW BLOOD" sign in the audience! Still, I pointed it out to you, so what does that make ME. Maybe these guys *are* still friends, and they're both going to punk out the Cat. Ring the bell. Staredown. Geez, they were *all over each other* backstage, weren't they? They seem so...calm...now. Lockup, Steiner backing up...switching positions and putting Goldberg in the corner. Cat wants the break, Steiner throws forearms and knees him. Off the ropes, Steinerline. Elbowdrop. Stomp. Kick. Into the ropes, head down, Goldberg forearms him. Double underhook into a suplex. Muscling Steiner into the corner - ready to spear the turnbuckle...no, Goldberg actually pulls up when Steiner steps aside! How 'bout that. Knee by Steiner - blockbuster suplex!

Good show. But please...let's get those match times WAY up, though, if you're gonna try to get all complex with the false finishes and whatnot. Thunder is less than 24 away - wonder if they've got anything left for it this week...

Stand by for "Enter the Dragon!" NOW you're talking *workrate!*