THIS WEEK'S TEST: SportsLine monkeys in suits can blow me! Wait...can I still say "blow me?"

QUICK QUOTES: AOL 53 (UNCH), TWX 77 (+ 11/16), SPLN 17 13/16 (+ 5/16 - last year, this time 19 13/16 - hey SportsLine.com! Your stock is TWO DOLLARS LOWER than it was A WHOLE YEAR AGO! I can't WAIT for you to find a way to blame your stagnant stock price on "naughty words in WrestleManiacs teasers")

VIC VENOM & JOBBED TO DAVID ARQUETTE (with the TV-14-DL ratings box and close captioned logo and muted "asshole" chant) are in the ring. "Ya know, this is deja vu all over again. I stood in this very ring one month ago and I made history. I made an example outta somebody, and you all know who it is because that piece of ... hasn't been around since. Well tonight, I'm gonna make an example on live TV out of another...Goldberg! You don't screw with me. And the fact is, I came here tonight to fire Bill Goldberg's ass on national TV! Yeah, cheer for him you ... Canadian! Well you know what? Brad Siegel wouldn't let me fire Golberg because the fans love Goldberg! Well I say screw the fans, and I say screw Bill Goldberg! And Goldberg, since I could not fire your ass, when then I'm gonna have your ass kicked right here tonight - and he's right here, Bill. Remember what happened at the Phillips Arena, Bill? Oh, we all know that that was....so I say, Bill, you bring it out here and let's call it in the ring! Do it Tank! You know, let me explain something to you...you see, Bill Goldberg, Bill Goldberg believes in his own little mind that, if this world were 'real' then he could take everybody! He could kick (voice cracking) EVERYBODY'S ass! He could kick your ass, Tank! You know, Bill, ya think you're Superman, Bill. Ya think you're invincible. You think I can't beat ya, huh? Well, I'll tell ya what, I've got the kryptonite to st....tonight, pal. What do I gotta do? Do I gotta beg you to come out here chickensh...? What's a matter, Bill? You don't wanna come out here? You don't know the script? You don't know the storyline? Tank'll......" We go to break.

How many times did Vince Russo just say "I," "me" or "my" back there - that is, when he wasn't getting muted...

Your hosts include TONY SCHIAVONE & SCOTT HUDSON. Vince Russo appears, takes Hudson's headset and screams to "Keith" to "show the.....fight. He's gettin' his ass kicked - show the ..... fight."

Cut to the aisle, where GOLDBERG and Tank are SHOOTIN', bro. They're SHOOTIN'. This is REAL. That Irish whip into the barricade was REAL. That clothesline was REAL. Anyway, Goldberg turns it around on Tank, then goes after Russo - knocking over the commentary table in the process and scattering the commentary team. Back to Abbott, where Goldberg puts on a REAL armbar. The crowd's REAL chant, I might add, is "Russo sucks." Russo tries to take a swipe at Goldberg while he's occupied with the armbar, Goldberg lets go and goes after him again. Russo makes the "that's it" motion to try to signal another ad break...and throws a chair before they fade to black.

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (no Savage), America (ha!) Online, Judge Wapner's cash scam, and Motel 6 7/8 - they should all ask for their money back

(Classic joke coming up)

Say, over on WCW.com there's a contest where the winner gets to go see Halloween Havoc. Second prize is you get to go see Halloween Havoc...TWICE!

(rim shot)

Thank you, you've been beautiful. I'll be here until June 2001

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily

Our commentators tell us that tonight, Kevin Nash will face Scott Steiner in a #1 Contender's Match - proving that everyone who pays to see a PPV is an idiot. Also tonight, Jeff Jarrett gets another shot at Booker T for the title - proving that everyone who pays to see a PPV is an idiot. Let's go to the ring!

FRANCHISE (with Torrie Samuda

FRANCHISE (with Torrie Samuda) and RENO v. KIDMAN and BIG VITO - Kidman's lost his first name again, I see. This match isn't a SHOOT, so what's the point in my doing play-by-play? I *will* tell you that Cubs Fan told me Reno was Rick Fuller, and I must admit I didn't recognise him without his hair. The (fake) finish is Vito pinning Reno off a frog splash. (3:18) Post-match, Vito foils Franchise's plan to put Kidman in some (fake) cuffs. Then, when Reno tries to save, he eats a Kidman (fake) right, put into the (fake) ropes, Vito with an (fake) atomic drop, and Kidman's (fake) Tomokaze, which is apparently called the Kidcrusher - which is a fine name...AS LONG AS YOU ENJOY VIOLENCE TO CHILDREN. Wait...doesn't Scott write about CHILDREN VIOLENCE?? Now for a (fake) run-in by PERFECT EVENT & MARK JINDRAK & SEAN O'HAIRE. Tony mistakenly calls Vito "Vino." in all the confusion. You know what? ALL these kicks, stomps and punches are FAKE. FAKE. That guy playing the Perfect Event's music is IN ON IT.

In the (fake) commissioner's office, the Filthy Animals tell Cat they'd like to continue their "professional relationship," and as a token of their esteem, they present him with a "personal assistant, Mrs. Jones." Looks like one of the Nitro Grrls to me. But then, this segment is entirely fake.

Meanwhile, David Flair is WALKING! He's still wearing the same outfit as last night. Major Gunns appears and asks him if "Stacy is all right." IT'S A SHOOT, BABY! IT'S REAL!!! David doesn't answer - THIS IS AS REAL AS REAL GETS! REAL REAL REAL

Promotional consideration paid for by Catbo, America (ha!) Online, Corn Nuts, Bubble Yum, Motel 6 7/8, and Wizards of the Coast's Nitro trading card game (that hyperlink STILL doesn't work, yo)

Here comes DAVID FLAIR to drop some REAL SHOOT. Still shots of last night's ROTC match.

We look backstage where Gunns is watching on a monitor - and crying. The MIA, in the background, are playing cards and oblivious

Back to the ring, where David continues to babble. He doesn't know what's going on with his girl. MAJOR GUNNS is out, all teary. She *still* manages to jut out her ass as she goes between the ropes. "David, please, I'm so sorry - I just don't know what happened..." and she breaks into tears. She doesn't know what went wrong. "For some reason, I feel like it's my fault!" "What do you mean it's your fault? What did you do to her?" Flair grabs her. "Huh? What did you do? What did you do?" SHE'S STACY NOW is out. "She didn't do anything, get off of her! David, stop! David! I'm pregnant!" Flair kisses her, then says "woooo" and struts. THIS IS REAL LIFE. So that makes Major Gunns....D'Lo Brown. Right?

New Blood Rising encore presentation ad still asks us to see it "live" - hmm, must be fake

Backstage, Flair and Stacy make out. I wonder what Lane and Rave think of this? I wonder what Los Fabulosos think of this?

LANCE STORM is out. Last night, so MANY wrong things happened in the US title bout that I can't even begin to describe it to you, but the ultimate result is no heat for either guy coming out of the PPV. If you need more in-depth type commentary, more than a few good people hit the analysis right on the head over at the Torch, so go read about it there. Is Storm gonna SHOOT? "If I can be serious for a minute..damn it's good to be home. Finally getting to wrestle for some true wrestling fans. Tonight is our night. Our chance to show what hard work, integrity and pride is all about. And quite frankly, America doesn't have a clue. They can wave the red, white and blue if they want to, but I just keep makin' 'em tap out to the Maple Leaf! Let's show the world what REAL national pride is all about - all rise for the playing of the Canadian national anthem!" Was that a shoot? Because this is Canada, Tony manages to wait a whole TWELVE SECONDS before stepping on the anthem. SHAME! Anthem lasts about (:41) before CAT comes out dressed in referee shirt - ohhh, it's supposed to be hidden by that big coat, only...it isn't. I've decided this ISN'T a shoot, so no typing. Crowd chants "asshole" and gets muted. Cat asks the crowd to kiss his "American black ass," which is funny enough for me to ignore the fact that it's FAKE. Crowd chants for Storm to "kick his ass" - that's a shoot! Cat tells the "Power Ranger" that tonight he'll put the (fake) title on the line in a (fake) return bout with Mike Awesome - proving that anyone who pays for a pay-per-view is an idiot. Cat says there's a (fake) special referee for this match and shocks JUST ABOUT NO ONE by removing his jacket to reveal the zebra.

WCW UNITED STATES HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: LANCE STORM v. AWESOME

Performance art! It's PERFORMANCE ART!

PAMELA PAULSHOCK stands with Lance Storm, the Amazing French Canadians and Elix Skipper. Storm announces they're to be known as Team Canada, THEN decides to relinquish two of his title, giving the SHIT to Oulette and the 100 kg title to Skipper. BOY WCW sucks. For an encore, Cat appears with Scott Steiner's white bat and tells them there'll be some title shots tonight, then. Ooh! SURELY this wasn't in the SCRIPT!

WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT (fake) TITLE: JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with stills) v. BOOKA T. - wow. This ENTIRE fued, start to finish, lasted 36 days.

Jeff Jarrett shills TracFone.

Thunder ad features...lotsa fake wrestling

The 1-800-CAL-LATT Road Report says that Nitro hits the Kansas Colesium in Wichita next Monday, where there will be lotsa fake stuff happening

The 1-800-COL-LECT replay shows Goldberg SHOOTING

Pamela Paulshock tries to interview Scott Steiner (and the TV-14-DL), but he puts his finger in her mouth instead. No, REALLY. Goldberg's a little bitch, and Nash will have a bunch of muted stuff happen to him.

CARL "THE RAVE" OULETTE v. SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY for the SHIT - What's this Quebecer doing as part of Team Canada anyway? Smiley, as the (fake) storyline goes, no longer wants any part of hardcore matches, but the Cat, who still has (fake) issues with him, booked this match. Despite the fact that Storm had previously told us that SHIT matches didn't have outside implements used in them, Oulette is quite happy to go outside the ring and produce plundah. You know, all this hardcore shit is FAKE. It's not REAL, a REAL SHOOT REAL REAL REAL REAL REAL. Nash will SHOOT in the next segment! FOR REAL!

Cat tells Mrs. Jones "one down, one to go - now we need to find somebody to go kick Skipper's ass." Who will the lucky winner be? We zoom around a door to see Kwee Wee and Papaya...Good God let's hope not. By the way, this isn't the REAL backstage. It's FAKE.

Jeff Jarrett FAKE wrestles while shilling TracFone (which is REAL)

REAL close captioning sponsored by Meineke!

Pamela Paulshock stands with Kevin Nash - he thinks Russo needs a drug test. And that's a shoot, brother! Nash says that until Scott Hall gets a second chance, Scott Steiner won't get HIS second chance at the #1 Contendership. If Booker T wants to go tonight, he'll go - if not...he'll find some other way to kill the time. My hunch is that EITHER way, we won't actually see Nash WRESTLE.

WCW WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE: RAYMOND STEREO & DE JUICY ONE (with Disco Inferno, Carlos & Tygryss) v. THE GREAT MUTA & THE JOBBIN' JUGGALO (with the Demon) - Animals have a BRAND NEW shitty theme. Tuesday on VH-1's "The List," several wrestlers kill time. KRONYKK join the commentators and SHOOT with us until the HARRIS BOYZ appear through the crowd and scare the bejeezus out of the commentators - they all brawl to the back as the match starts. Disco actually takes a coupla swipes at the commentators as they walk around ringside.

In this wcw.com contest ad, which is the FIRST WCW superstar you see? Go ahead - guess - I'll give you a hint: it's the guy that Russo wants to FIRE

In the Cat's office, Demon demands a four corners match with him, Vampiro and Muta against Sting. Cat goes ahead and books it - 'cause it's all fake anyway. Besides, we all know how Cat feels about outside interference!

WCW CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION: "PRIME TIME" ELIX SKIPPER v. KWEE WEE (with Papaya) - Skipper is out with a Maple Leaf jacket and this IS his in-ring Nitro debut. And he's the 100 kilo champion. THIS is the kind of match featuring the kind of competitors that Vince Russo FOUGHT for! Is it true they fired Mona to pay Papaya? Come to think of it...didn't the current brain trust rename this guy "Skip Over" the FIRST time? Damn, who's wearing more glitter? Finish sees Skipper pull out a "Grey Cup ring" and throw a loaded (fake) punch for the pin. (6:04) Post-match, Kwee Wee (fake) beats up referee "Blind" Jamie Tucker.

Hey, look! It's Sting! And he's WALKING! Oh no! Behind him, we see Goldberg entering the hall! AND THAT'S A SHOOT!

(THIS IS STING) v. PAINT JOBBERS in a Four Corners Match - say, you don't think Demon got so vocal about getting a four corners match so he could SHOCKINGLY SWERVE and turn on Vampiro and Muta. Nah. Demon and Sting (fake) go at it until Vampiro and Muta come in and (fake) work over Sting - Vampiro stopping to yell at Demon a bit. I heard they fired Asya - is that true? Sting manages to turn the tide and (fake) take out BOTH Vampiro and Muta - got Muta in the Sharpshooter when Vampiro comes back in with a kendo stick - Demon grabs it and tells him "I wanna do it - let ME do it!" Hey, maybe I called this after all. WHACK to Vampiro! SHOCKING, I TELLS YA! Muta taps (wow, Muta jobs twice in one night) (2:07) and Sting is declared the victor - but you and I know the REAL jobber in this match is VAMPIRO! By the way...in a four corners match, there are usually two people outside the ring. Sting and Demon share an uneasy gaze. Something might have happened post-match that wasn't Vampiro jobbing but I really wasn't paying attention.

Jeff Jarrett has one more TracFone to shill

New Blood Rising encore promo has an awful lot of Goldberg in it - I mean, if Russo wants him FIRED and all

Backstage, Demon beats up Vampiro and Muta

KEVIN NASH gimps to the ring with his portfolio. He's gonna SHOOT with us! It'll be SHOCKING! "Canada! Big Sexy's in the ...! Y'know I can't help but see a lotta Scott Hall signs out here..." Crowd: "We want Hall" "You know what? Nobody wants Scott Hall more than myself." Man, that's GAY of him. "But you see, WCW is decided he's just TOO dangerous for live TV! Y'know, everywhere I go, people always say 'what the hell's Scott doin'? What's Scott up to?' Well since I can't bring the real thing out here, I thought I'd conduct a little interview with Scott myself." And Nash pulls out a cardboard cutout of Hall. "Scott, you got anything you'd like to say?" Some voice: "Hey yo. Hey yo." "Y'know, Scott, I know you haven't been around in a while, but ah...partner, that NWO thing died a little while ago...for the third time and uh...I don't think it's be fair if we didn't have a little survey. How many people wanna see Scott Hall back? And how many people wanna see the people that is holding Scott Hall back from not coming on this television show to kiss my ass? Live TV - isn't it beautiful?" Hudson: "It was." "All right. Booker, I'm done. Let's do this." The music plays...

Cut to the back, where we see Midajah lying amongst the remnants of a table. Steiner: "Goldberg! You son of a bitch! You're mine! Goldberg!" Credits are up... and we're out. None too soon.

The only possible conclusion I can reach: knowing his days are numbered, Russo is busy setting himself to the task of scorching the earth. If HE can't play, he's damn well gonna make sure nobody ELSE can play after he's gone. A continual series of "worst episode ever" with no end in sight. Boy, it's something to look forward to, isn't it?

See you Wednesday. The saga...continues.