Let's open with a Special Video Look at....Vince Russo. Yeah, THAT'LL get the ratingz! "This is the story of a man and his dream. Born in Long Island, Vince Russo has climbed to heights never before reached in sports entertainment. (TV-14-DL) Tonight, Vince Russo returns home for what will be his toughest challenge yet, as he puts his undefeated record on the line against Booker T in caged heat. This is his night. This is his moment. This is his destiny."

Earlier Today and outside the arena, a black limousine pulls up and Vince Russo and Jeremy Borash exit. Jeremy's quite a chatterbox, happily stooging away for Russo (because I guess we needed to try and get another non-wrestler over). They're WALKING!

Opening Credits

PYRO AWAY! We are live from Uniondale, NY and the Nassau Colesium for WCW Monday Nitro 25.9.2K - this could be their best chance to make it competitive in the ratings. Will they make the right choices? I'll bet you know the answer already...

BIG VITO v. JOHNNY "THE BULL" in a stickball bat vs. kendo stick match - We take a long look at a woman in the crowd, who we are told is Vito's younger sister MARIA, who may or may not have been in the "Tony & Tina's Wedding" crowd a few months back. Please, dear, keep looking straight ahead. DON'T look into the camera. We're begging you! Vito quickly takes control. Let's look at Maria again and wonder when she'll make the run-in, turn on Vito, and French kiss Johnny. Commentators have said "goombah" about a hundred times already. I'll hit you for a while, then you can hit me for a while. First crotchshot of the night. Remember when shots from a kendo stick were a big deal? I've seen about a hundred so far. Run-in is provided by RENO, who gets a blind kendo stick shot on Vito on the outside. Another look at Maria. Reno tying Vito in the Tree of Wie and swinging away. Referee "Blind" Billy Silverman seems to have no problem with this. Hey, Maria's hopping the rail! NOW Silverman decides to ring the bell. No winner is announced - oh, who cares. (5:03) For an encore, Vito accidentally kicks Maria in the head while being freed from the corner. No time! Cut to

Vince Russo and Jeremy Borash are WALKING! Jeremy is still talking loud and saying nothing

WCW Magazine ad

Your hosts include TONY SCHIAVONE & SCOTT HUDSON. Tonight, it's Vince Russo and Booker T. in Caged Heat with the title on the line.

The WCW cameras are apparently following David Flair around. We see his (Cadillac?) SUV pull up to a phone booth, where Flair pushes the guy on the phone away and looks up a name in the phone book. "There he is - 977 Oglethorpe - there it is! I found it!" Flair bugs the guy for directions (guys don't ask for directions!) and fortunately, it happens to be two right turns from the phone booth. He gets in the car...

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET,

Halloween Havoc ad - Sting's gonna...what?

Backstage, Mike Sanders catches up with Kronik and relays a message from Russo. He's upset with what happened on Thunder, and as a result, they're out of the tonight's tag team battle royal. He fails to call himself "Mike. Just Mike." but DOES wink at the camera on his way out after proclaiming himself "just the messenger." Looks like Clark's got a plan, though...

Q: Hey, how come Booker didn't get to SPEAK up there? A: Racism

3 COUNT (already in the ring) v. LT. LOCO & CPL. CAJUN & SGT. A-WALL (already in the ring) v. MARK JINDRAK & SEAN O'HAIRE (already in the ring) v. HARRYS BROTHYRZ (already in the ring) v. KAZ & JAMIE-SAN (already in the ring - with Yang & Leia Meow) v. RAYMOND STEREO & DE JOOSY ONE (with Konnan) in a tag team battle royal for the WCW tag team championship - Before the match, we get a shot of Leia Meow slapping Yang and sending her back for no apparent reason other than they REALLY want you to understand she's a dominatrix. She's got red hair now - kinda like Lita. If you can't grasp my subtlety, I may have implied something in the previous sentence; see if you can figure it out. Everybody starts brawling during the sole entrance we see...that of the previous champs, who still carry the belts to the ring. Konnan takes fourth headset and says the Animals have a plan for Disqo AND his duck. Kaz is eliminated first (1:12) following an H bomb and toss by Jindak & O'Haire. Shane Helms gets an H bomb and Jindrak & O'Haire toss HIM out, through a table to boot. (1:27) Konnan has managed to make a "Kronik is boring" joke, a "3 Count is gay" joke, and a "Misfits don't get none and have to masturbate" joke. KRONI>| make their run-in here and Konnan returns to the "cure for insomnia" spot - wow, listen to Konnan put over *everybody* in this match. I only wish he'd pull out his "served me at KFC" joke while he's at it. Each Harris gets dumped by a Bri/yan. (2:19) Konnan makes a "snap at the crotch" joke about Kronik. Kronik basically running through all their power moves at anybody moving - Jindrak & O'Haire have decided to watch from the apron. Kaz out (3:06), Shannon Moore out (3:09), Loco tries a missile dropkick as Cajun is dumped (3:18), Loco off the ropes, caught,

TONIGHT: Torrie Wilson rubs baby oil on her legs!

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (Savage), America (ha!) Online, Tootsie candies, Motel 6 7/8, and Corn Nuts!

GENE O. works tonight! He stands with Pamela Paulshock and Howard Stern's Wack Pack. Hank the Angry, Drunken Dwarf says he'd like to see Pamela naked. Crackhead Bob says he's Bob. High-pitched Jerry says it's his first time here. Fred the Elephant Boy says Pam looks chilly, let him warm her up. Finally, Betelgeuse (you mean I spelled it wrong?) says...something. I didn't catch it. Kevin Nash appears and decries the (shit) we're watching here. Why's Gene interviewing these guys instead of HIS guys? Oh yeah, Nash is Coach Bobby Knight to the Natural Born Thrillers, see. Before Nash leaves, he takes Beetlejuice's hand and says "nice to see ya, Elix." Hey, Nash just put over the Cruiserweight champion! Wow!

INSANE CLOWN POSSE hit the ring. Violent J takes the mic. "Let's talk about - let's talk about hardcore. Because of Mike Awesome, Vampiro is at home nursing a fractured...spleen or something. Madman Pondo, hardcore, JCW. The Rude Boy, hardcore, JCW. Death Dealer Tommy Starr, hardcore, JCW. Mike Awesome, just like the seventies, you're dead. Right now we're challenging you and that retard bus o' yours to come down here and have a hardcore match with JCW stars the Insane Clown Posse - oh, by the way, it's a hardcore handicap match - two on one, but the handicap is because the loser leaves in a wheelchair. That's you Mike Awesome - we challenge you right now!" Wow, listen to them get all those WCW folks over!

INSANE CLOWN POSSE v. THAT 70's MULLET in a hardcore handicap match - Awesome drives up in the bus, which has been degraffito'd. The ICP try to rush the bus, but Awesome shoots the fire extinguisher and gets the first shot in as the bell rings. Awesome has white shoes and belt, and kneepads over his jeans. J takes control with a garbage can. Traffic cone, garbage can, paint tray, and so on. Awesome run into the bus. Shaggy 2 Dope on the hood of the bus - J feeds Awesome up to him. They're up on the roof of the bus as J sets up a table. Awesome fights back as J climbs onto the hood of the bus - Awesome tosses him through the table. Now on top with Shaggy - Awesome stops him from throwing him off the edge, hits an Awesomebomb on the roof, Dope slides off the roof and gently drops to the floor. Awesome climbs down to the floor and covers Dope - 1, 2, 3. (Modesto is STRICTLY for the 2:09) Awesome proclaims that "1976 rules" and nobody messes with his bus, or something.

TONIGHT: Major Gunns prepares for the Miss WCW swimsuit contest

NEXT: The Cat and Ms. Jones are WALKING!

Buff Bagwell, still off the booking sheets, still carries the power of the card. Hey, I've seen this ad a million times, but I've *just* noticed that the name on the card Buff is holding has his REAL name on there! Yeah - "Lee M Cardholder!"

Thankfully, there's ANOTHER camera already waiting in the restaurant. "Do you know where Oglethorpe Road is?" "No I do not sir, I have no idea what you're talking about, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, sir, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave, you're disturbing the children, sir." Well, she's not an actress, I'll give her that. Flair runs into the playpen full of balls and searches around. Amazingly, he *doesn't* beat up the teenage girl trying to mouth off to him about leaving right now.

CAT & MZ. JONEZ hit the ring. "Okay, cut the music off. I'm glad to be here in New York tonight, but I'm here for one reason - Russo, I'm gonna make it easy so Booker T. can KILL yo ass tonight. And before I go, I wanna tell you something, Mark Madden, I hate yo fat ass. Now, now I'm gon' tell you Russo, tonight in that cage match, if any one of your 3 Stooges come near that ring tonight, we talkin' 'bout Big Stupid Nash, Big Dumb Papa Pump, and that redneck hillbilly Jeff Jarrett, little slapnuts. If any one of these 3 Stooges come near that ring, I'm gon' fire all of 'em. And now I'm gonna tell you what - 'cause I have spoken!" Hey, why is Ms. Jones with him again? Hit the music, here comes "ABOVE AVERAGE" MIKE SANDERS with a bat and a mic. "Did somebody say Natural Born Thrillers?" "No, no, I said Natural Born Rating Killers!" "Listen up...cupcake. I don't know if you know this, but Mr. Russo has a very important match tonight. Now I've taken it upon myself personally to see that you don't screw it up like you do everything else..." "Asshole" chant is muted, Cat's middle finger is not. "What did you say?" More muting...fortuitously laying out whatever the commentators are adding as well. "What the hell did you say?" Mute mute mute. "Now listen up. I don't like the decision that you just made, so I'm gonna negotiate a little bit. I'm gonna give you exactly five seconds to rethink that and carry your no-talent ass straight to the back, Commish. Now I have spoken!" Cat hands his glasses to Jones (oh, THAT'S why she's there!), catches a swing of the bat from Sanders, knocks HIM in the forehead with the bat as they each hold onto it, snapmare with the bat, superkick, and now KOACH NASH leads out the rest of the NATYRYL BORN THRYLLYRZ, and they huddle up. I think Nash must have said "I want you to attack Cat black ninja style," because they get in the ring one by one, and Cat takes them all down with karate blows...until Sanders gets a chance to put the bat on Cat's back. Q: Of the eight men and one woman in the ring, who is the most over? A: Scott Hall, naturally, as the crowd chants "We want Hall." Sounds to me like they don't cotton much to anybody in the ring. Roll of the Dice. Seven-way stompdown. Let's go ahead and go to break.

NEXT: Tygress and Paisley tell each other they look good, and nobody else should have bothered entering the Miss WCW paegant.

Promotional consideration paid for by the WCW Nitro trading card game, Tootsie candies (again), America (again!) Online, Motel 13 3/4, and Tootsie candies (AGAIN AGAIN?)

GENE O. & PAMELA PAULSHOCK stand in the ring with the TV-14-DL ratings box as Okerlund announces that this is the "first ever WCW bikini competition." That's a damn lie! Apparently, Paulshock isn't in the competition despite her fake fur coat. Okerlund welcomes out HOWARD STERN'S WACK PACK, most unfortunately referring to Fred as "Fred the Elephant Man." Oops, RAW just started.

We quickly cut to MIKE TENAY standing with Scott Steiner. Before he can talk about how he forced Goldberg to quit, Goldberg flies in and starts to beat down Steiner. Security starts to swarm to try to separate them...hey, maybe they should use some o' that MACE, huh? We cut to the ad break. Was this enough to keep you from finding TNN?

Hey, only in WCW can a freakin' BIKINI CONTEST end in a screwjob, huh?

Thunder ad - I notice they *finally* edited Hogan out of it

DISQO is in the ring when we return. "Yo yo yo, let ME speak on this. You know the question that everybody's been asking the D to the I to the S to the Q to the O, baby, is when are you gonna let Rey, Juvi, Konnan and Tygress back into the Filthy Animals? Well I'm not! Because they just don't got it like that, and if you think they DO got it like that, you can kiss my duck right on the ass. But I have found somebody that DOES have it like that - a NEW partner. So now I have a very major special announcement to make. Let me introduce you to my NEW partner." WHITE THUNDER is out, to Disqo's surprise. "Hey hey hey, Steiner, I know you're not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but--" and Steiner quickly punks him out. "Goldberg, you bald headed bastard! I beat your ass at Fall Brawl, you quit, you stay quit! You attack me from behind? You wanna finish it? Get your ass out here right now!" Here comes COLD BEER. "Like a wise man always said, don't whisper something you sure as hell don't want to come true, Steiner. I'll take your challenge, boy, but tonight, MY RULES. One on one, no interference, and oh by the way, since we got that beautiful little cage up there, why don't we drop it down and I kick your ass in the middle of it. And oh...no ref, except for... to raise my hand after I kill you."

WHITE THUNDER v. COLD BEER in caged heat - Steiner tries to leave, but Goldberg catches him as he goes over the rail and brings him back. Steiner's head to the commentary table. The commentators scatter. Goldberg choking him with a mic cable. Steiner's head run into the lowering wall of the cage. The bell rings and here we go in the cage. Steiner pound, pound, into the ropes, duck, clothesline by Goldberg.

Jeff Jarrett is WALKING! Beetlejuice calls him "slapnuts" until Jarrett Kabongs him. "It's MR. Slapnuts to you!"

Geez, all these "recycled footage" 1-800-COL-LECT commercials really drive home the fact that there's an actor's strike, isn't there? No? Oh

Closed captioning where availble (while we look at a replay of Goldberg spearing the pipe) brought to you by Meineke!

Pamela Paulshock stands with Booker T, who FINALLY gets a chance to speak tonight. He's got something up his sleeve tonight. Save the drama for your momma. Don't hate the player, hate the game. Did Booker forget we've *already* seen Sting with him...or did he not mention him to get back at him for not letting him speak earlier?

GEN. RECTION (with Let Us Take You Back to Fall Brawl...and Nitro...and Thunder) v. JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET - Jarrett attacks from behind and it's on. Fast-forward to the run-in as LANCE STORM comes out to attract the attention of referee "Blind" Billy Silverman while "PRIME TIME" ELIX SKIPPER comes in from behind with a chair. Rection knocks HIM down, however, and out of the ring. Sidewalk slam on Jarrett - going up for the moonsault, but HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN comes out, whacks him with the 2x4, Jarrett with the Stroke...and the pin. (2:20) All four men stomp on Jarrett as they ring the bell a few thousand times. Jarrett puts on the figure four as the rest of the MIA (sans Stash) tries to hit the ring - but Team Canada staves them off. The lights go out, the thunder and lightning strike and (THIS IS) STING takes care of Jarrett and Team Canada with his bat. Storm, up on the stage. "Hey Stinger! You wanna stick your nose where it doesn't belong, I'm gonna have to teach you some respect. This ain't about your bat, this ain't about my belt, and this ain't about these boys - if you got the guts, I"m gonna teach you a little respect, because I'm Canadian and I can!" "Well Long Island it's showtime, folks!"

Whoops, we get an ad break insetad. Oh well.

Somehow, the WCW camera has made it to 977 Oglethorpe before David Flair, as we see the SUV pull up. And yet...SOMEHOW we can hear everything David is saying to himself! It's as if the kid is MIC'D or something. To the door... Knock knock knock...ah hell, we cut to

WCW Magazine ad

When we come back, a WCW camera is *inside the house.* GEE-ZUS. Would it *kill* them to at least PRETEND that this isn't SO TOTALLY STAGED? Exactly ONCE has it actually made sense to have a camera around (inside the car) and *every* other time it's not. What was it Russo said? "For me, it all starts with logic?" Anyway, Flair asks the man who answers "Where is he?" and we got another non-actor on our hands as he says "Who Are You Looking For?" with pauses in all the non-actor spots. Flair blows by him and walks down a hall. Hey, ready for the kicker? This isn't even the right house - 977 is next door. So you can't even say, "well, maybe WCW got there ahead of time and asked to have the camera inside when he knocked," because THIS IS THE WRONG HOUSE. You *CAN'T* explain how the camera got in here. ("Yeah, but maybe they KNEW that David would pull up to the wrong house since they had that OTHER camera already in front of it." "Don't you see how badly you're REACHING here?") Flair goes next door as Hudson wonders aloud why that address sounds so familiar? The guy in the wrong house says "he's out of town - he's not there." Flair said he'll be sittin' there waitin' for him 'cause he knows he did it. Of course, they NEVER say a name. *That*, you see, might cheat us out of all the twists, turns and SWERVES

Gene O. stands with Vince Russo, dressed as Norman Smiley. Hey, whatever happened to the Hardcore champion, anyway? How come Russo keeps going for the cheap pop by mentioning Long Island? Shouldn't he be trying to be the heel here?

The cage slowly lowers...

VIC VENOM v. AD BREAK - Russo is in full pads, NY Giants helmet and all he needs are the quad skates to join the roller derby team. Let's take a break!

The 1-800-CAL-LATT Road Report sez: Nitro's at the Cow Palace, in

"HE is the warrior soul of the supercharged wasteland - wrestling's one true icon. At Halloween Havoc, Sting will rise from the ashes of the past and be reborn, shocking the world, changing into something you cannot imagine until you see the unveiling - LIVE!" Does this make you want to buy Halloween Havoc?

WWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: VIC VENOM v. BOOKA T. in caged heat - JEREMY BORASH must have won another bet - he's taken fourth headset for this match. Booker takes a lap around the cage, slapping hands with the fans. You didn't think they'd fill out this last ten minutes with WRESTLING didja? Out comes THAT 70'S MULLET, THE FILTHY ANIMALS, MIA, THE KWEE-WEE with PAISLEY, and the JUNG DRAGONS...to watch, I guess. Russo pulls a baseball bat out of his pants and starts whacking Booker. How referee "Blind" Mickie Jay missed that, I'll never know. Anyway, Russo tries to slip out the door, but the folks outside the ring block the door. Russo back in the ring and swinging the bat. Russo outside for a ladder. Another whack with the bat. Russo puts the ladder down in the ring and climbs up to the roof...where a panel snaps open. As Russo pulls himself onto the roof of the cage, the other wrestlers are climbing the cage on the outside. Awesome is waiting for Russo. T pulls the ladder away and Russo swings from the top of the cage as we look up and (THIS IS) STING is rappelling down to the roof of the cage. (I AM OUTRAGED!) Somehow, Russo ended up back in the ring...the crack WCW direction missed it, go figure. T with a slam. T wisely decides to remove the football helmet before punching him. Right hand and down he goes. Stomp. Stomp. T with a superkick. Right hand. A vocal portion of the crowd is actually trying to get a "Russo" chant going. T putting Russo's head into the fence. Right hand. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, why eleven? Who knows. Jay pulls T off of him. Oh, look, it's LEX LUGER come out from the crowd in street clothes and passing Russo a pipe. Russo with the pipe, pipe, choke with the pipe. Pipe. What, he lost his basbell bat? Russo ready to go outside...no, he just wanted to put his helmet back on. Mickie Jay gets the pipe. T gets the pipe. Pipe. Mark Johnson, Jamie Tucker and some EMT's come out to help out Jay, who is apparently bleeding ('cause if Russo isn't gonna bleed, SOMEBODY'S gonna) - Russo takes the pipe and whacks two EMT's and Tucker, but another EMT removes his cap to reveal that he's really THE MAN. Ric Flair don't care about a helmet - he goes ahead and pops him one on the chin anyway. Flair stomps him in the groin. Figure four coming up...but Russo rolls over. High five for T. Woooo! Instead of turning on him, Flair leaves as we look back to see the NATURYL BORN THRYLLYRZ come out. "You won't see cluster finishes on Nitro!" Everybody brawls up the aisle. In the ring, gutshot, axe kick. Russo's helmet is still on but apparently having no effect. T waits for Russo to get up...when he doesn't, T stands him up so he can deliver the Harlem sidekick. "Hey Vince, like I told you before, don't hate the player, hate the game!" T is ready to leave...but he stops in front of the cage door as COLD BEER's music fires up. Five seconds - ten - fifteen - LEAVE THE DAMN CAGE ALREADY, BOOKER!!!! Scott Hudson seems to be the only one smart enough to mention this. T and Goldberg share a hand slap and Goldberg comes into the cage to get him some of Russo. Meanwhile, WHITE THUNDER has appeared - and slams the cage door on Booker. T throws a kick to the door, putting Steiner down. Russo runs over to try to stop T from leaving, but Goldberg spears HIM...through the cage. Booker steps out of the cage a moment later. Goldberg and Booker slap a high five as the commentators wonder who just won the championship. Credits are up - hell, isn't it better to end the show early than actually announce a winner? (? 8:33)

Coincidentally, the first words we hear after this show are "You're watching BULL!"

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

What's even worse than having a negative opinion?

Not caring at all.