QUICK QUOTES: Let the bleeding end! AOL 55.86 (+ 8.11), TWX 83.40 (+ 12.30 ... last year 66 1/8), SPLN 9 7/16 (+ 1 1/4 ... last year 37 3/4)

EGO: I heartily encourage any WCW fans (are there any left?) who have problems with the way I write to meet me on my brand new EZboard. I promise you that if you make intelligent points that you can back up, I will be happy to try to explain anything I have said in the past - or anything I say in the present, for that matter. Or, if you like, you can just insult me...I don't think it'll go over as well, but I have no problem taking your best shot...then making a smartass comment in return.

A couple further preliminaries: I'm on VACATION. In case you haven't figured it out, I'm here, once again, in New York City (finally?) and, although I lined up a fine guest host for WOW, I couldn't find it in my heart to break my Ripken-like streak of recapping RAW and Nitro (at least, the ones on Monday) ... besides, something *exciting* might happen, and where would I be if I'd had somebody ELSE talk about it? More important, where would *you* be? (Don't answer that.)

In addition to that, I was unable to take advantage of the LIVE live showing of tonight's show as I vowed to watch the entirety of the Packers/Vikings game, then berate my host for being a Vikings fan. Needless to say, I was feeling pretty low about things until God intervened on that last Andersen field goal attempt. South African kickers don't deserve to win, anyway! It was nice to see that after jobbing the Packers for the entire night, they got that last call 100% correct. Is this the start of the Packers turning it around? Tune in next week when I say NOTHING about Green Bay after they lose again!

All right, let's get this damn party started right and/or quickly...

Oh, wait, one more thing:

I GET LETTERS: Ryan Sloan sent me this email before I started tonight with the Subject line "Bobby Heenan Has Been Released:"

Yeah, you read that subject heading correctly, Chris. The Brain has been released. I would like to know your sentiments on the subjects of one of the more classic heel commentators getting "the axe."

Personally, and you may care less about my thoughts on the subject, I think Bobby was an entertaining addition to WCW for whatever capacity he filled. I like Mark Madden and Mike Tenay and Stevie Ray when they "kick in" heel personas, but Bobby Heenan was a class act. He knew how to rile up the audience, whether the TV or the live ones, with his cowardice befire the faces or with his outlandish marking out of the heels.

It's another sad day for WCW, another of many, until someone comes along and either plug the hole of this money-leaking boat or sink it completely.

Give a shout out to the Brain in your NITRO RECAP.

Thanks.

As I *am* on vacation, I didn't have the chance...OR the inclination to go find this out for myself, so I can at least hold out hope that it isn't true. But if it is...well, many people much more important than I need to say it...but if they don't - we'll miss you, Bobby. I wish there was a place for you left in this business, but it seems as if the business has moved on. With all my heart, I wish it would move back.

It's a set of Thunder highlights you can do the mashed potato to - TV-14-DL ratings box - close captioned logo - don't hate the playa, hate this catchphrase

Earlier Today, Midajah distracted Sting long enough for Scott Steiner to punk him out. Buff Bagwell showed up to help break things up.

At some other indiscriminate time, Kevin Nash and the Thrillers watched a monitor. I think Nash suggested putting these guys (with Jarrett) into a title match, but when Sanders asked him what he said, he responded with "what the HELL did I just say?" so I don't know. Sanders went on to suggest that making such a match would DEFINITELY result in someone being S-O-L...Nash, showing an incredible amount of workrate as well as desire to see this company succeed, swung his head around to O'Haire for the "and you know what that means line." Then they all started BLEATING LIKE SHEEP - I *shit* you not. That's a HELL of a way to set the tone for this show, ain't it?

Opening Credits

LIVE from the PYRO of the United Centre in Chicago, IL 6.11.2K, this is Turner Network Television and THIS is WCW Monday Nitro! QUAAAAAK QUAK QUAK

We start right off with THE NARCISSIST, complete with old entrance and music (well, not his OLD music...*that* sounded like "Chariots of Fire") and brand new hair. "Before I go on with what I came here to really say...Mark Madden, would you please stand up for one moment." Remarking on his sudden expertise in estimation of percentage of body fat, Luger remarks on the difference between being an endomorph, and being a specimen of mesomorphic excellence. Normally I transcribe these things, but I'd hate to put over anything dealing with the jackass in the sunglasses, so let's skip forward to Luger entering the ring. "Now THIS is how a show called WCW and true superstars of our sport is supposed to start off with...'welcome back the Total Package, Lex Luger!' Now when I bashed out Buff Bagwell's brains last week, that was to make a statement!" "Loo Gar Sux!" "God, these people love me...can ya blame 'em? My next statement was that the streak that sickened me, and I think polluted everybody who made WCW, from the Ric Flairs, to the Stings, to the Kevin Nashes, the guys that who are at home like Scott Hall, from Bret Hart to Hulk Hogan, to Randy Savage, to the Steiner Brothers, to the Road Warriors...Bill Goldberg, your bogus streak of 176 is not gonna happen again, so a true superstar - a true superstar in our sport - a man who for over a decade has been at the very top of his game is challenging you, and we got - and we got a match made at Mayhem, and your streak will be history." Crowd chants "cold beer." Chant while you can, 'cause after Mayhem Goldberg won't be hear anymore. Turning to Goldberg's book, Luger produces a WCW Magazine, telling us it contains a reprint of a chapter of Goldberg's book. Calling in ROSS FOREMAN, Luger asks him if he found more enlightening the chapter of Goldberg's book, or the in-depth profile on the Total Package. (Luger's losing his voice right in front of us - no vocal work while off the screen, huh, Lex?) Foreman says there WAS no in-depth profile on the Total Package. Luger tells us that there isn't a single article OR photo on the Total Package. "It's a conspiracy! Because there's been a bunch of impostors out here, on the magazine, in the magazine, on our show, a bunch of scabs posing as wrestlers from the wrestling school, there's a bunch of women who will take their clothes off for a box of protein bars instead of true superstars like the Total Package Lex Luger, and this stinkin' magazine that you're a part of writing doesn't have a single thing on Lex Luger. Is that correct?" "There's nothing...in this issue." Luger asks him to take something back to the office for him - big knee, big Torture Rack. FINALLY LUGER FINDS SOMEONE TO SELL FOR HIM! Crowd goes...apathetic. All SIX REFS show up and politely ask him to release him...he doesn't, then does. "Goldberg, you're next at Mayhem."

Meanwhile, Goldberg is WALKING!

Scott Steiner is the star of this ad for "Seven" - I mean, "Mayhem." I CANNOT IMAGINE how long they'll use this line

During the Break, Ross was stretchered out.

PAMELA PAULSHOCK stands with Kevin Nash and the Natural Born Thrillers. Nash is reading Goldberg's book...

1-800-COL-LECT has the misfortune of sponsoring this portion of the show.

LANCE STORM (with Hacksaw Jim Duggan & Prime Time Elix Skipper) v. KWEE-WEE (with Paisley) - We're gonna hear Goldberg's book plugs ALL NIGHT...reminds me of Scott Keith. "If I can be serious for a minute...with your presidential election right around the corner, I think it appropriate I give you some last minute advice. Don't waste your time voting, 'cause no matter who wins, YOU lose, you're still gonna be Americans! If you want to improve your way of life, don't vote - emigrate to Calgary....Alberta, Canada! All rise for the playing of the Canadian national anthem!" Hudson misidentified Kwee-wee's EBTG ripoff as a Moby ripoff - keep trying, friend! GOOD NIGHT! "You come out here dressed like that, you better have someone other than her watching your back." Duggan decides to attack outside the ring by surprise, then throws him in to Storm. Forearm, pound, pound, into the opposite corner, clothesline sidestepped, schoolboy by Kwee-wee gets 2. Atomic drop by Kwee-wee, clothesline takes him outside. Duggan tries to help, but Kwee-wee is out after him - whip into the barricade is reversed. Words for Paisley. Kwee-wee comes back. Girl, please. Paisley says they have backup, but if "Angry Allan" comes out, it may not be necessary. Hang on - WHO? Kwee-wee to the top - crossbody gets 2. Jawbreaker by Storm to turn it around. Superkick gets 2. Kwee-wee tries to get out - suplex back in is countered, standing switch, back elbow by Kwee-wee, 2. Into the ropes, nasty looking not-tilt-a-whirl flapjack gets 2. Block by Storm, Northern Lights countered with a DDT by Kwee-wee...for 2. "USA" chant encouraged in the opposite way by Duggan. Storm with a reversal, Kwee-wee up and over, on the shoulder, spinebuster, Canadian Maple Leaf, tap out. (2:18) Storm holds it on and Paisley calls for her backup with a mayday "Code: Bad Hair Day." THEMONSTERMENG comes out, completely 'frolicious, and cleans house. Storm acts scared of Meng. Remember when he held three titles at once? ("Remember when Meng lost his job?" "See, he came back at Storm's request on Thunder." "What was THAT about?" "Umm....")

Promotional consideration paid for by Crown Books' "I'm Next," Slim Jim (Savage), America (ha!) Online, Geico, and Geico Again

GENE O. works tonight! He stands with Goldberg, who waxes professorial regarding his match tonight with Bam Bam Bigelow. He wants Goldberg? It's a wish...A DEATH WISH. He's also had just about enough of "Luger's crap." Luger shows up at this point and starts ticking off HIS resume, which distracts Goldberg enough for Bigelow to punk him out from behind. IS THIS THE NEXT TEAM PACKAGE? Even at near-unconsciousness, Goldberg can utter "Who's next?" Apparently, both of their asses are.

Your commentators include TONY SCHIAVONE & SCOTT HUDSON. I'm probably supposed to note the Mancow sign behind them, but that's more somebody else's gig. Talk quickly turns to...."Battledome" athletes?

Let's Take You Back to the Weekend when Diamond Dallas Page, Rick Steiner, the Cat and Buff Bagwell slummed on "Battledome." Please tell me: which show is giving which the rub? Also, which half of this crew isn't currently active in WCW?

WCW WORLD HARDCORE TITLE: PERFECTSHAWN SHAWN STASIAK

Promotional consideration paid for by Crown Books' "I'm Next" Again, America (ha!) Online Again, Mag-Lite flashlights, and Just for Men. Holy crap, somebody actually learned the demographics of this show!

Reno says he thought it was more than one guy who got him. Nash and the remaining Thrillers dust off "SOL" and start quacking again.

THE MAN hits the ring. Thank God we got that Bruce Wirtz MacArthur reference out of the way quickly! "Is this the home of the Chicago Blackhawks? Woooo! The Chicago Bulls? Woooo! Well I wish it were the home of the Nature Boy because the Nature Boy - woooo! - loves Chicago! And I love being back with WCW, especially (woooo!) Bob Probert's scared to death of me, pal - woooo! - especially as the CEO, which means this time, officially I got something to say about the way the company is being run, so Madden, you and Schiavone and Scott get that across to the American public - Ric Flair's runnin' WCW. Woooo! Now last week, we sat in Atlanta and we made some things official, some things that this business needs to see up front. At Mayhem, on November 26th, you're gonna see, in my estimation, the greatest pay-per-view that we've put on in a long time. You are going to see Hugh (G. Rection) vs. Lance Storm, for the last time, for the US title - there will be a winner! Woooo! You like that? And Lex Luger, I got ya back in the business, you're one of the biggest names, one of the greatest stars, but my man, as big and awesome as you are, you're gonna have to wrestle Bill Goldberg at Mayhem! And man, I'm gon' be there to see that, that's gon' be a great match. And now, something that means a lot to me personally, is the World heavyweight championship. It's at stake at Mayhem. I feel like I know that title better than any wrestler alive. The World Championship Wrestling version of the world championship is the most prestigious trophy in our sport. The man that walks out of Mayhem will be the flagship by which this company is built on for the future - Booker T. or Scott Steiner - it makes no difference. It's gonna be a great match, it's gonna be in a cage, two guys are gonna walk in the ring, one is gonna walk out as the world heavyweight champion, the number one athelte in pro sports. Woooo! And whoever that man as, as CEO, you will be our flagship, right along with Bill Goldberg and Sting and those of the past. Now one thing I am gonna talk about, 'cause I want Scott Steiner to hear this, personal and up close: Scott Steiner, your conduct is unacceptible. I respect you as a national amateur champion, I respect you as a great athlete, I respect you for the awesome figure of a man you are, but your conduct will not be tolerated. You will not be grabbing people, you will not be hollering and screaming, you will not be hitting people with pipes, you will conduct yourself as a member of WCW." It takes a certain member of the commentary crew a whole three seconds to completely bury Flair in an attempt to put himself over with a "funny joke," and I'm not going to repeat it. Meantime, here comes WHITE THUNDER & MIDAJAH. "I'm sittin' there in the back midning my own business, and I hear you don't like my attitude. Well listen up, you old bastard, I never liked you! And I don't care if you're the CEO or the janitor, I don't take orders from no man. You got that you son of a bitch? Huh? You got that?" BOOKA T. runs out, spins Steiner around, right, right, right, into the ropes, clothesline ducked, Harlem sidekick. Play his music! Steiner thinks about running back in as SECURITY shows up to hold him back. "Now I know why I'm retired, man. Let me just - let me just reiterate what I just said to the wrestling world and to Scott Steiner. This is a professionally run company - we'll conduct ourselves like professionals and we will take a step forward after Mayhem. (How come every time he says "Mayhem" it sounds like "'Nam?") But because of what just happened, exactly what I'm talking about, Steiner - at Mayhem, in the cage, I'm gonna put a straitjacket twelve feet over the ring, and the first man in that match - Booker, you or Steiner - that gets that straitjacket off that rope...you can put it on your opponent and you can beat the hell out of 'em. Rules don't change - you win by pinfall, you win by submission, but if you or Steiner get that straitjacket, you can put it on the other one. I know what that means, I'm putting you in a tough spot, but Steiner, get this straight, too. If you touch ME or any other non-wrestling employee again, you will not only not make it to Mayhem, you won't be working for WCW. Woooo!"

WCW Magazine ad - at least LEX LUGER reads it

WCW WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE: 3 COUNT v. JUNG DRAGONS (with Leia Meow) v. MARK JINDRAK & SEAN O'HAIRE in a three-way dance - 3 Count dumped Evan Karagias on Thunder in the same match that saw the Dragons oust Jamie Howard. Thunder, by the way, will start airing at the top of the hour starting this Wednesday, so it'll be a lot easier to set your VCR's from now on. ("I don't watch Thunder." "Oh. Well...") Later in the show, Ric Flair will reinstate somebody! Stay tuned! Hard to believe this is only the second match of the night, given that it's ten to the hour, isn't it? So why do I feel so lazy? Possibly that I already know the run-in is coming as EVAN KARAGIAS breaks up Helms' snap slop drop pinfall attempt, unbeknownst to the referee (whose name I've already forgotten) - Seantonbomb on Yang and Jindrak covers- 1, 2, 3. Champs retain. (4:01) Post-match, we find out that THOSE BATTLEDOME GUYS are in the front row. The Dragons and 3 Count team up on Karagias until JAMIE (HOWARD, nee -SAN) shows up with a chair and saves him. (Kim: "Why didn't Madusa save him?" Me: "Umm...*I* didn't even remember that.") After everybody leaves, he threatens to knock *Karagias* silly, but before we can see this play out, we immediately cut to

Backstage, Smooth says he's smooth. He's ready to let somebody out of the limousine....no, no, not yet. It's only four to the hour, see! I say it's gotta be SCOTT NORTON!!!!!

The 1-800-COL-LECT Replay is Jamie swinging the chair.

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (and the TV-14-DL ratings box) come out to "Positively" Kanyon's music. "Wassup!

Buff Bagwell carries the power of the card - I have been asked to note that the "Benefits at the Nitro Grill" that we saw this weekend on "Worldwide" has been excised just in time to stop me making fun of it...except via the loophole of noting its absence. DAMN Kim is a clever one

Thunder ad - damn, they took Bret Hart out and I can't make fun of THAT either.

During the Break, the "Battledome Warriors"

Paulshock stands with Shawn Stasiak, who denies all involvement in Palumbo and Reno's attack. He says again that his ears were filled with the wrong advice and he's set to prove he's a man of his word...not only to the world, but to the Thrillers...and Nash.

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET and WHITE THUNDER (with Midajah) v. BUFF DADDY BAGWELL and (THIS IS) STING - "One of these things is not like the other / which one is different? Do you know / Can you tell me which one is not like the other / now before I finish my song"

Wherever books are sold, you can purchase "I'm Next" - Goldberg's story - by Goldberg - for Goldberg

LANCE STORM joins the commentary team, still wearing a large amount of glitter. He asks why Alex Wright gets the shot tonight despite the fact that he's had three titles and never lost any of them. Sounds like BAD BOOKING to me...

WCW UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP: ACHTUNG ACHTUNG HIER IST ALEX WRIGHT (mit Disqo) v. GENERAL RECTION (with The Second Family) - Disqo says he'll translate for our benefit. Wright (in German): "Attention, attention, here is Alex Wright." Disqo: "Alex says: Yo yo yo, let me speak on this." Wright: "Chicago is a terrible city." "Alex says that Chicago is the greatest city in America!" "General Rection, you listen to me." Disqo says that after Wright wins the title tonight, he'll take the title back to Germany and defend it on his home soil, where it belongs. Wright says that after he wins the title tonight, he'll take it back to Germany and defend it on his home soil, where it belongs. Man, this is confusing! "Alex says: thank you!" By the way, Thunder starts at 6 starting Wednesday (I mean 9. Sorry.) Lockup, to the...here and there...to the corner. Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson forces the break, and Wright sneaks in a recht. Knife-edge chop. Into the corner, back elbow followup. Into the opposite corner, reversal, boots up by Wright. Runs into a powerslam, though, for 2. Into the ropes, press...and slam. "We want puppies!" Elbowdrop by Rection, there's another, and here's a herky-jerky

LOOK! It's Bam Bam Bigelow! And he's WALKING!

WCW Magazine ad #2

Close captioning on WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Wizards of the Coast's WCW Nitro trading card game!

With a Maple Leaf behind him, Hacksaw Jim Duggan tells us what's wrong with America. "Only 30% of you big ol' proud folks will pull yourself out of your easy chairs, pull your freight down the polling place and vote. And you call yourself true Americans! Sure, the choices may not be too good, but they're the best that you got!" I think the point is ... to vote? "Let me tell you what's wrong with America. It's......YOU!"

Paulshock stands with Booker T., who says that Nash can have a title shot tonight if he wants it. He thanks Flair for stepping up to the plate and taking care of bidness. Steiner best check himself 'fore he wreck himself. Boo-ya! He gonna get witcha.

TRIPPA B (with Let Us Take You Back to Thunder...and Earlier Tonight) v. COLD "no record tonight" BEER, AUTHOR OF "I'M NEXT" - AVAILABLE WHEREVER BOOKS ARE SOLD (entrance : 1:21) - if you missed Thunder, you missed Bam Bam Bigelow's return...and his defeat of Crowbar. THE NARCISSIST walks out to watch this match. Bigelow goes for the Greetings, but Goldberg slips the hold, pushes him into the ropes, spears him, jackhammers him (wow!) and pins him. (2:43) Luger smiles and waves - Goldberg tells him he's next.

WHITE THUNDER (with Midajah) are in the ring when we get down. "Ric Flair - I don't give a damn if you're the new CEO, I don't care if you're the janitor - I don't take orders from nobody! So you can go straight to hell - but before you go, kiss my ass first! As far as you, Booker T, I look at you when you carry that belt and it makes me laugh, 'cause at Halloween Havoc, I handed your ass on a silver platter, and I punked your ass, and it won't be no different at Mayhem. There won't be no drama, there won't be no mystery - I'm gonna kick your ass! As far as 'save the drama for your momma,' the only drama is she don't know who your daddy is!" He requests a seat at the commentary table as we take our last ad break. Scott Steiner: man of science and letters

When we come back, we take one more look at the motley crew assembled behind the commentary table. Kim says: "Midajah looks like a Bernard Buffet painting." Is it any wonder why I love this girl?

WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: KOACH KEVIN NASH v. BOOKA T. - Holy cow, did Billy Silverman have a hair colouring "incident?" Steiner says T ain't got no diggity, then gets muted talking about the...hair up his ass? Who knows? What does that even mean? Nash brushes his hair to one side to start. Lockup, no. Nash brushes back his hair. Steiner identifies the "We want Hall" chant as "We want Pump." Lockup, side headlock, chain wrestling to the...side headlock on the other side. Okay. Powered out, into the ropes, shoulderblock by Nash. Brushes back his hair! Kim says she wants to contribute with the pants hoists by Nash - there's one. Let's try again - knee by Nash, elbow, NBA on TNT , right hand, brush back hair, right hand and T goes outside. Nash follows after brushing back his hair - head to the buckle. T is muted - that must have REALLY hurt! Head to the commentary table. Right hand by Nash. Nash whips back his hair. Elbow to the back of the neck. Nash grabs a chair...but T kicks back, right hand, got the chair as Nash brushes back his hair - across the back! Back in the ring as Nash flips back his hair - T with a top-rope clothesline...but only gets 2. Into the ropes is reversed, Nash whips back his hair, then hits a big boot. Nash slumps into the corner 'cause DAMN that's a lotta work to pick up your boot. Pants hoist! Sidewalk slam and hair whip gets 2. Nash whips back his hair, then goes to the stretch, pulling back T's arms and whipping back his hair...T back to his feet...but Nash knees him. Brush back the hair! Punch is ducked, forearm by T off the ropes, another one, spinning heel kick, Nash pushes back his hair, 1, 2, Nash has a shoulder up. Into the ropes, holding on to reverse, but T puts a knee in the gut. Off the ropes, axe kick, breakdancing up, Harlem sidekick...but Nash ducks and Silverman takes the brunt. Oh boy. Nash hoists up his pants and runs at T but gets caught in the Book End attempt...but before he can do it, PERFECTSHAWN SHAWN STASIAK is out with a knux right to Booker T. Huh? He tells Nash (flipping his hair back up - now hoisting his pants up) to finish it up - and here come the straps! AND a brush back of the hair! But before he can deliver the truckstop powerbomb...wait for it...he brushes his hair back! No, I meant to have you wait for Stasiak pasting NASH with a knux right, and putting T on top. He rousts Silverman, who manages a slow 3. WHAT A SWERVE! GOOD NIGHT! (5:00) Stasiak stands over Nash and chops his crotch, then flicks some ab sweat onto Nash. Tony: "I can't believe what I have seen!" Steiner decides to leave....check that, he decides to punk out T in the aisle. And we're out of time!

You're watching BULL!