EVERYTHING: was moved to the top of the RAW recap since nobody reads the Nitro report anymore. It's true! I have numbers that PROVES it!

This, of course, raises an interesting philosophical discussion. Did people stop reading because people stopped caring about WCW, or did they stop reading because *I* stopped caring about WCW?

Yeah, you don't have to tell me that's rather unfair - after all, the first hour of last week's show positively smoked! (Well, I'm probably romaniticising it, a bit given a week of space and a few hours extra at work, contributing to a spectacular case of sleep dep) The REAL question is: will TONIGHT'S show be more like last week's FIRST hour....or the SECOND?

Close captioned logo - WCW logo - well, more like the first hour so far...

Clips of Thunder, Mayhem, Nitro, all at once

We see the Thrillers - and,when they see us, they start WALKING! Sanders asks (oh God) Oklahoma if it's cool...he asks if the security is in place. Sanders promises the Thrillers got his back.

Two minutes in, so why not take an ad break?

(Five minutes after) Opening Credits

HIT THE PYRO - WE ARE TAPE DELAYED from the Pershing Auditorium in Lincoln, NE on TNT 4.12.2K and the fireworks keep on coming...tonight, Jeff Jarrett takes on Konnan and the World title is on the line as Scott Steiner defends against General Rection!

As OKLAHOMA hits the ring with a punchbowl in hand, Tony shills a "Slapnuts" T-shirt on wcwgear.com.

I GET LETTERS: The infamous Dartmouth Dan Doomsday - or is it Elliot Ohlshansky? - writes: Chris,

Thought you might be interested to know that the song that Oklahoma enters to on tonight's Nitro is the Yale Boola, a traditional song at (you guessed it) Yale. And as you know, Yale is in the great state of Connecticut, home of a certain wrestling promotion that employs a certain prominent fan of the Oklahoma University Sooners. By the way, if you mention this in your recap, could you mention how much cooler Dartmouth is than Yale??

By the way, I think using Oklahoma here to build football-related heat was an excellent idea....it certainly got them to pop for the Ruler of the Squirrels...

"My name is Oklahoma....perhaps you didn't hear me, I said my name is Oklahoma." The camera finds some Nebraska clad fans who are booing. Our commentators all apparently decided that talking about college football would garner better ratings than wrestling.... Hudson: "It's only a two hour show, Oklahoma, for Pete's sake!" Tony: "Yeah, and I think he's only got six minutes for this segment!" "Go Big Red!" Is he gonna continue or what? "I send you warm greetings, and a heartfelt howdy from my boys, the NUMBER ONE TEAM in the N-C-double-A. I just brought this out here - I just want everyone to take a good long look at this, I want everyone to see this...everybody in this arena, even the people up in the cheap seats...and I want you to remember this for the rest of your live, because this is the closest anyone in Nebraska is gonna get to seein' a *bowl* this season! The truth hurts...but it's the by-God truth, now I came out here on official business tonight - Commissioner Mike Sanders has given me the authority to make an official statement with regards to one member of the WCW roster, and that's what I'm gonna do...and that one member of the roster that I am speaking about is that swolt up, jakked up box o' rocks Sid Vicious! Now, there's security every inch of this building, we have security in the back, and they are ready to pounce, so it is with every ounce of confidence I have that I make this statement from Mike Sanders..." Mute of the "Asshole" chant doesn't really work. "We can do this all night, ladies and gentlemen. The announcement is this...that Mike Sanders, the commissioner of WCW, has decreed that if Sid Vicious steps ONE INCH out of line, Security, the police, the national by-God guard if they have to will be all over him like white on rice. So, in conclusion, I leave you with this one thought, Cornhuskers...and I leave this thought to Sid Vicious and it's this: read my lips, Sid Vic---" But the lights go out and the music hits....this is SID VISCOUS. "Sid...you stay there -a security's comin' out! Security's comin' out here, Sid - Security - security - Sid, they're comin'. Sid, security is comin', they're comin' Sid, you don't wanna get in here. Sid, you're gonna get such heat if you come out here. Sid...I command you to stop - I command you to stop, Sid! Nononono, security, security...Sid, you don't wanna do this. Scott Steiner's over there!" Sid looks and Oklahoma turns to leave - Sid grabs him...chokeslam! Crowd treats Sid like royaltly. One more? "Whoa whoa whoa, hold it right there, big man, hold it right there." MIKE SANDERS leads the COPS to the ring. "Don't even think about it...son, you're about the get yourself made an example of tonight. You just stepped over the line. That's right - that's right, your ass is goin' to JAIL!" The cops reluctantly attempt to tell Sid that he's got no choice...Sid decides to give in, and offers his hands for the cuffs. "That's it...cuff him and stuff him. You laid your hands on a guest - you laid your hands on my guest here in WCW tonight - Ric Flair is layin' down law and order, and that is just unacceptable, so you know where you're going...Sid, it looks like you're SOL - you know what that means - quaaaak quak quak." The cops lead Sid off...we follow them backstage, out the doors. Crowd chant "You Suck." Sanders: "What did you say?" Vicious is loaded into a police SUV...and off they go.

Promotional consideration paid for by Crown Books' "I'm Next," America (ha!) Online 6.0, Slim Jim (Savage),

When we come back, Scott Steiner and Midajah have arrived! Sanders wants to tell him what he's done, but Steiner's got no time for his stories. "You get Sid for me tonight!" Sanders: "Sid, tonight's gonna be a problem. Mr. Law and Order, Mr. CEO, Mr. Flair - he had Sid arrested not more than five minutes ago - handcuffs..." Steiner swings his pipe in anger. "You tell Flair - you tell everybody, *nobody's* safe...especially Flair!"

PAMELA PAULSHOCK stands with the Filthy Animals. Konnan challenges the country cranberries to a Filthy Animals Street Fight at Starrcade, so orale arriba la raza Starrcade. I think he actually said that!

Let Us Take You Back to Thunder, where Torrie Wilson suffered a money saving injury...and Lt. Loco's mood was about to change...

CHAVO GUERRERO, JR. (with Backstage Assault for PlayStation) v. KWEE-WEE (and Paisley) - He's back! Old name, old music...new attitude. Unfortunately, Allan Funk is still in his NEW persona...but using his old one as a split-personality, apparently, as the commentators surmise that Kwee-wee will have to "summon" Angry Allan in order to meet with success tonight. Chavo punks him out in mid-ropes-part-kiss and we're off and away. Head to the buckle. Right, Kwee-wee right, Chavo right, Kwee-wee right, Chavo right, right, elbow, chop, chop, Kwee-wee reverses, but Chavo goes to the gut, snapmare, kick to the back. Head to the buckle once again. Choke on the top rope. Starrcade is 13 days away. Springboard hot shot. Chop. Into the corner, back elbow up by Kwee-wee - Thesz press, piston-like rights. Why did referee "Born To Do It" Scott James dye his hair? Chavo to the gut, right, Kwee-wee right, right, whip is blocked, face rake, into the ropes by Guerrero, lariat, kick in the corner, kick, standing on the neck. Gutshot, into the ropes, head down, knee by Kwee-wee. Kwee-wee knee? Yeah. Dropkick. Into the corner, tilt-a-whirl as he comes out, 2 count. Into the ropes, Chavo floats over into a DDT. Chavo outside and motioning to Paisley - he's got a chair! But he's just going back into the ring instead...but Paisley steals away the chair before he can use it. Chavo turns to her to argue, so she slaps him - this stuns him enough to allow Kwee-wee to hit a springboard sunset flip - 1, 2, kickout! Clothesline ducked, Chavo hits a dropkick. Into the ropes, reversed, gutshot by Guerrero, dumped over the top to the floor. Guerrero out - whip into the safety rail. Knife-edge chop. Back in the ring...scoop is blocked. Kwee-wee DOES land a bodyslam. Running at Chavo, but he's dumped overhead onto the top turnbuckle. Gutshot, brainbuster (!) gets the 3. (3:58) Looks like Guerrero just got a new finisher...

Promotional consideration paid for by Crown Books' "I'm Next," "Toy Story 2" on VHS & DVD, America (THREE!) Online 6.0, Mag-Lite flashlights, and Slim Jim (they found another straitjacket for Savage in ten minutes?)

When we come back, Flair and Sanders have a chat backstage. "Give it to me one more time." "Okay, his exact words were something to the effect of 'if Sid's not back by the end of the night, nobody's safe.' He had a very special reference to YOUR name." "Is that right. Do you feel the need to look up there for help when you talk to me? Hey, this is your fault that Steiner's running around here crazy. Why'd you have Sid thrown in jail? That's beside the point, you don't have that kind of power. Here's the way it goes - Steiner doesn't have the nerve to jump on the CEO, at least I don't think he does. Enough people have been hurt. I'm gonna make sure of two things - number one, you bring security, number two I get back in that phone and get Sid out of jail in time, before the show's over, but just in case he's not, I'm beefin' up big security like I said before, you get 'em all and bring 'em to me right now." "I'm on it - I'm definitely on it." He mouths "Yeah, right" to the camera on his way out. "Thanks, commissioner...thanks."

Meanwhile, Bryan Clark is on the phone. "Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you sure that's the guy you want us to take out? Okay. If you got the money, we got no problems. We're all about discretion. All right, it's a done deal." DOES ANYONE ELSE SMELL IRONY - anyway, he turns to Adams. "You're not gonna believe who hired us for this job." "Who?" "Come on, I'll tell you all about it...it's gonna take some time." "Tell me..who?"

GENE O. works tonight! He stands with the three remaining Misfits.

WCW WORLD HARDCORE TITLE: ELIX SKIPPER (with Team Canada & wcwgear.com Lance Storm T-shirt ad) v. CROWBAR (with Daffney Unger) - Storm: "If I can be serious for a minute...tonight, Prime Time does Team Canada proud. 'cause tonight, he captures the hardcore title and once again renames it the Saskatchewan Hardcore International Title! And in honour of us great Canadian athletes, I want these American hardcore implements removed from ringside! As they're doing that, show us your respect and rise for the playing of the Canadian national anthem!" Tony doesn't even wait for it to start before talking over it. Anthem lasts all of (0:05) before the music of ...THE CAT (with Mz. Jonez)? What's he doing out here? Storm takes fourth headset. Cat is over to glare at the commentators...*he* wants a headset...but he settles for a mic. "Now, wait a minute - Lance Storm, you know I wanna beat yo ass all over this place - hey, you might wanna sit your Power Ranger lookin' ass down because I did not come out here to fight...I came out here to enjoy this match, okay? And that goes for you, too, my big friend." Cat takes a seat...and a headset is offered him. Well FINALLY the champion is out - Daffney has RATINGS on her cleavage and an arrow pointing to it underneath. Also, she carries....a magic wand. Crowbar decides to go under the ring and find some stashed stuff - a lot of car parts - also, he's got the golden wrench in his belt. But perhaps he should have kept an eye on Skipper - dropkick puts him on the floor. Skipper follows out, elbow, elbow, into the ring, NBA on TNT Wednesdays and Thursdays - Crowbar with a...bumper. In the corner, chop, chop, into the opposite corner, reversed, Crowbar dumps Skipper - backflip misses - but Skipper has the bumper - whack! Whack! Clothesline to the back of the neck. Spare dance legdrop - 1, 2, no. Crobwar rolls outside...and takes 2x4 shots from Duggan. Gunns with a slap as well. Of course, that brings Daffney over for the catfight spot. After Billy Silverman gets them separated, we take a break from this "action" to see Cat snap on The Mark - Storm is over to punk out *Cat*, and then he drags him to ringside, where Duggan is at the ready with the wood - but Cat steps aside and Storm takes the blow! Cat puts Duggan into the safety rail head first - if Heenan were there, he'd say "you'd think that wouldn't hurt him!" but he's not because WCW hates me. Cat throws some water on the commentators before leaving. Mind Bender on the grill - 1, 2, 3. They never cut minutes from the interviews when they can cut them from matches! The result: KUH-luster. (2:19)

The following is a paid announcement from Jimmy Hart - oh no it's not - lemme tell ya, even the people putting these things TOGETHER aren't even paying attention...otherwise they'd notice that their graphics say "IS A PAID PAID ANNOUNCEMENT" - the only sad thing about the WWF not buying WCW is we can't see Lawler punk out Hart yet again

Backstage, David Flair asks Stacey why she came back. "I didn't wanna lose you COMPLETELY, I just didn't wanna get married yet." She wants one favour - don't ask who the father is. "I'll tell you...just, just not yet." Ric Flair pops in to ask what they're doing around - then tells them he doesn't want them here without security with Steiner on the loose. He leaves two with them, and takes the rest...in THAT direction...

Meanwhile, Reno and Marie create some exposition for us - apparently, the family turned their back on Reno when he went into the joint. "Who needs Reno when you've got Vito around?" But all Marie wants...is her brother back.

Let Us Take You Back to Last Week, and the continuing saga of Lex Luger and Bill Goldberg...

THE NARCISSIST comes to the ring carrying a copy of "I'm Next" - let's check the Goldberg/Luger graphic for Starrcade. I *hope* he reads from that book tonight! Lukewarm "Cold beer" chant. "Thank you, thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you!

Backstage, Luger has taken SO long to talk that Goldberg has arrived - AND HE'S WALKING!

When we come back, we're backstage again, where one of the Nitro Girls asks Norman Smiley who he's got tonight. "Bill Goldberg - he's undefeated, I just don't think if I can beat him..." Scott Steiner shows up. "Who ya got?" "Goldberg." "Goldberg?" He takes him out with the pipe. "Not anymore..."

Paulshock stands with the Franchise. "Hugh Morrus...you can deny it all you want. You can claim you didn't know it was Torrie Wilson on your back. What am I, some kind of a damn imbecile? Let me tell you something, Hugh Morrus, thanks to that so-called accident, I'm gonna make you suffer just like that sweet, innocent Torrie Wilson. I'm gonna lay your ass up in a hospital right next to her. You think you're in the fight of your life tonight against Steiner? Ho ho, I'm gonna show you what it's like to fight for your life, my friend, because each and every night until Starrcade, I will make you suffer - I'm gonna MAKE you fight for your life. I'll MAKE you look over your shoulder. You took something very near and dear to my heart, and so the gold and black attack at Starrcade will do the same to you. Kiss your US title GOODBYE."

Meanwhile, Rection tells A-Wall there's a lotta stuff they need to take care of....off in the distance, Chavo is talking to...Corporal Cajun. "Hey Lash, we got stuff we gotta do tonight...with or without him. Hey, Lash, I said now!" Lash goes to catch up with them, but Chavo pulls him back for one more word. "Hey Lash, NOW!"

I take it we're losing all the military names? Is that a grudging acceptance of the fact that it was a dumb idea? (No, no, see, it WORKED. Now that they're OVER, we can go back to their original names.) (That doesn't even make SENSE.) (Umm, let me try it again...)

Thunder ad

Slapnuts T-shirt ad #2 - yikes

Ric Flair and the TV-14-DL ratings box are at the go position - Flair tells Arn Anderson and Fit Finlay that he doesn't want any shenanigans after the match - when they walk by after their match, they're sent home. He doesn't want Steiner taking anybody else out. Where was Flair for Smiley?

WCW WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES: 3 COUNT (with Triple Ladder Match graphic) v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE and KEVIN NASH - At Starrcade, it's another triple ladder match - 3 Count vs. Jung Dragons (with Leia Meow) vs. Knoble and Karagias - the Kings of Pop say such in their nondescript promo.

See WCW live - while you still can! Sunday tickets go on sale for LaCrosse! Sunday, see WCW Sunday in Monroe (they're running against ARMAGEDDON?), Bossier City for Nitro, and Starrcade hits Washington next Sunday!

Outside in the parking lot, Mike Awesome remarks on the temperature...as he walks by an ambulance, Bigelow pops out and puts the door into his back. Into a nearby car - "I'll see you at Starrcade, punk!"

RENO v. KRONI>| - WHO HAS PAID KRONIK? WHO? WHO I ASK YOU? Well, let's see - sqaushing young talent....I say it's GOTTA be Nash. Referee "Blind" Jamie Tucker decides this wasn't supposed to be a handicap match and rings the bell again. (DQ 0:27) Backstage, Marie shows concern. I have a feeling she's soon to run out to try to stop the carnage. A SECOND High Times. BIG VITO makes the save? And now MARIE bounces out to check on Reno. Vito...makes a wave on his way out of the ring.

Buff Bagwell STILL carries the power of Lee M. Cardholder's card - man, that guy's gonna be PISSED when he finally gets around to reporting it stolen!

Close captioning where available sponsored by Wizards of the Coast's WCW Nitro trading card game!

"Our World is About to Change...Again..." It would just KILL the commentators to SHUT UP and let this thing go without comment, wouldn't it? I think...yes, *I* am singlehandedly going to get Glacier over. SOMEBODY'S gotta do it!

Backstage, Crowbar catches up with Daffney - it's so great having her out there tonight, it's just like old times, what a great team they make. Daffney asks it he needs a ride. "I sort of..." and Baby and Chiquita appear on each arm. "I'll see ya next week." And off they go. A tech tries to get into the case she's sitting on...she hisses at him and he decides..maybe later. Awww....poor Daff's depressed. MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE REALISED YOU LOVED HIM BACK WHEN YOU WERE FLAUNTING OZZIE IN FRONT OF HIM YOU...YOU STRUMPET

Whoa. I'm sorry, there. Must have been a flashback

Meanwhile, Flair addresses security - he won't be able to bail out Sid in time, and everyone's in danger. Spread out and cover the building. If something happens with Steiner, get on the radio and SWARM SWARM SWARM

At Starrcade, it's now No Holds Barred and No Disqualification - Goldberg vs. "The Total Package" Lex Luger.

Goldberg appeared on the Maury(tm) Show a while back and made a young child's dream come true

M.I. SMOOTH v. COLD "26-0" BEER (entrance 0:59) - the NBA's on TNT Wednesdays and Thursdays, you know. We're in a HURRY here! (jackhammer -> pin 0:51) Sarge...approves. Post-match, it's all hugs between Goldberg and the Sarge - how rugged and manly!

WCW Magazine ad

At Starrcade, it's a Filthy Animal Street Fight - Jeff Jarrett & the Harris Brothers against the Filthy Animals! The Smark asked me "Jarrett's a five-time WCW champ...not bad for a midcarder, huh?" Umm....I didn't have an answer for THAT one.

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. KONNAN (with Kidman & Raymond Stereo & Tygryss & Let Us Take You Back One Week) - "Listen up, you Nebraska slapasses - the Chosen One has something to say! Now Konnan, correct me if I'm wrong, but did I hear you say that Heavy D and Big Ron, the Harris Brothers, MY backup are a buncha hillbillies? Hell, I'll take them ANY day over your jacked up termite friends you call Filthy Animals. Konnan, you forgot one thing - *I* am the Chosen One. *I* am the superstar with all the damn Stroke around here! So I'm gonna make this real plain and simple - even you and your Filthy Animals can understand. You want me and the Harris Boyz in a Filthy Animals Street fight at Starrcade? No problemo, boys. But K-Dogg, Baldy, I want you to think on this - it's a hell of a long time between now and Starrcade, and I got a crapload of guitars waitin' on each and every one of ya. So I don't know when and I don't know where but I can promise you that we're gonna beat your three asses like a buncha pinatas, so choke on that." Last Week, it wasn't exactly one on one, and I have a feeling that Jarrett taking the mic AGAIN might have something to do with that. "Hey hey ref, it's already been cleared - you know damn good and well. It ain't gonna happen, what took place last week, so send the jacked up termites to the back, and take your skank with ya!" The Animals huddle up...then break. Konnan spends a bit too long on goodbyes, allowing Jarrett to forearm him from behind. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Into the ropes, reversed, up and over, Mysterio sneaks in a trip - oh, but he's on his way out. SURE. Gutshot, gutshot, into the ropes, reversal, leapfrog by Jarrett, gutshot by Konnan, DDT attempt is countered, hammerlock by Jarrett, Konnan counters into the arm wringer, chop, chop, into the ropes, leapfrog by Konnan, back kick, spin around, face to the mat. Jarrett takes a powder while Konnan shakes his shorts because his balls are SO big. Jarrett pulls him out by the ankles - Konnan into the safety rail. Into another safety rail. Jarrett with the chair - WHACK - I guess this is a "no DQ" match? Konnan put back in the ring, stomp, stomp, Jarrett poses on the second rope. Field goal kick. Head to the buckle - sort of. Into the opposite corner, Konnan up and over, back somersault, gutshot, DDT, off the ropes with a seated dropkick, into the ropes, Jarrett ducks, Konnan ducks, neither man ducks. Jarrett pops up...then crumples, clutching his knee. He goes outside and calls Silverman over - and as they confer on the STEEL steps, the HARRYS BROTHYRYZ hit the ring and H bomb Konnan. Jarrett makes a miraculous recovery and comes back in the ring, pointing to his head because he's a GENIUS...meanwhile, the ANIMALS are back out to beat up the Harrisses....but they can't get to the ring, where Jarrett hits the Stroke and...gets the fall. (2:45)

Starrcade ad #2 (I think)

WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: MESH HEAD MUSH MOUTH (with Mesh Midajah) v. GENERAL RECTION - Champ enters first because....man, I can't come up with ANY kind of good reason! Maybe because he's got something to say? "Ric Flair...the CEO...lemme point out something to you that's real clear. You're runnin' out of wrestlers. You don't see no Booker T - you don't see Sting...all 'cause o' me, I put their ass in a hospital! And now you went out and you hired Sid Vicious to come after me - not a chance. See I'm turning the cha-- the tables on you, and you got 'til the end of this match to produce Sid Vicious, right here tonight in this ring...if he's not here, I'm comin' after YOU, Mr. CEO. And just to show you what kind of a

To the go position, where Arn....I think he told David and Stacey to hotfoot it, but the camera just about missed it. Steiner delivers a knee to Arn Anderson, and a forearm. "You're Flair's friend, ain'tcha?" Head to the monitor. "You're not Flair's friend!" They both come back in front of the curtain. Forearm to the back - Arn rolls down the ramp. Head to the safety rail. Anderson rolls into the ring...forearm by Steiner. Got the lead pipe...off the ropes with a lead pipe cinch clothesline! "What are ya gonna do, Flair?" STEINER RECLINER ON ARN ANDERSON!

Back to the go position, where Fit Finlay is holding back Flair. "You're the CEO!" "I don't care if I'm the CEO or not - what do you mean I can't do it? Then get security out there!" Goldberg runs by this tussle....and now it's COLD BEER out to the ring...only to be headed off at ringside by THE NARCISSIST's Ace Toolbow elbow! WHACK with the chair! SARGE is over the rail - *he* gets a whack. SECURITY swarms around Luger and Steiner...but it's not working. SID VISCOUS shows up, but they don't feel like cutting to THAT camera....we see that THE MAN helping security carry Arn backstage. Crowd chanting "Sid Sid Sid" - credits are up and we're out...just as Steiner gets his mits on Vicious, forearming away...

Hey! This show *is* getting better, isn't it? A bungload of talking, but if they get the stories in place, maybe they can dial it down in time for next week...right? Well, you and I will be back then to find out!

You're watching BULL!