We start with scenes from last week's Nitro main event, where Luger, Sting, and the Giant have their way with the Wolfpac. Brian Adams starts to run out, but Bret Hart stops him and they share a quiet chuckle.

Live from the Kemper Arena in Kansas City, Missouri, it's Monday Nitro! Rated TV-14 too! Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and Larry Zbyszko, who just can't WAIT to get up and make the crowd chant his name.

Let us take you back to more clips from that exciting main event from last week, including the same stuff you just saw not TWO FRIGGIN' MINUTES AGO.

Mean Gene Okerlund gets this party started right by interviewing BRET HART, who runs down Randy Savage, acts generally arrogant and heelish, and doesn't wear a Hogan shirt this week. We see clips of Hart slapping the Scorpion Death Lock on Savage while Hogan and the Disciple look on from Nitro two weeks ago - hey look, THERE'S Hart in a Hogan shirt! No one has yet mentioned it and I'm ALMOST ready to give up. Anyway, Hart will finish off Savage's knee on Sunday, yadda yadda yadda you've heard it before. He's not going to be our hero anymore.

Hey look! It's the Nitro Girls!

BARRY HOROWITZ v. DISCO INFERNO - I believe this is Horowitz' Nitro debut - some clown forgets to play his music until halfway down the aisle. Inferno has an insane moire suit you shouldn't wear on TV due to the unintentional strobing effect, but maybe that's why he wore it. Disco finishes off Horowitz with - a *swinging neckbreaker*? Whatever. Nice to know ya, Barry! (1:45) The idiot fans BOO'd Horowitz when he patted himself on the back, too! What's this world coming too?

Out comes RANDY SAVAGE, who is at least smart enough to look at signs and cover the naughty bits with his hand before showing them to the camera. Savage, for those of you keeping track, blames Bret Hart for the fact that Hollywood Hogan is holding HIS (Savage's) title, and they'll be fighting at Slamboree Sunday. Savage goes on to challenge Hogan TONIGHT at Nitro, which if I calculate correctly is part LXIX in this exciting saga. Savage agrees with the voluminous "Hogan sucks" chant. He goes on to call Hogan a "bald headed reject from the glue factory, prima donna, carrot dangling" and then he stops, so he must have changed the order of some words without realising it. Then he lets us know the carrot is a ... no, ok, he didn't say - he DID say he'd change it into a cactus and stick it up ... never mind.

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Moen faucets, NEW Hot Pockets, America Online (Slogan: "At least we can make fun of WebTV users") and Ring Pops.

(billy) KIDMAN (with Reese) v. JUVENTUD GUERRERA - it looks like Guerrera is the latest to be caught in the Flock Zone. Actually, this is a pretty good match. Juvi has a nice 'rana, an insane, almost completely missed springboard plancha, and a WICKED EXCELLENT Juvi driver. Unfortunately, he loses when Reese picked him up by the throat and not-powerbombed him to the mat so Kidman could hit the shooting star press for the 1, 2, 3. (3:50) At least Juventud *never surrendered*. Reese carries Juventud to the back (huh?).

ERIC BISCHOFF's theme (aka the NWO Nitro theme) plays - and sure enough, it's Eazy-E himself on a motorsickle. "I wonder what Vince McMahon is thinking - he's been sending his wannabes around - but he only sends them where he knows I'm not gonna be!" He goes on to tell Sean Waltman he's not going to get an apology, instead he can "bite me" and that he's only doing what Vince tells him to do. For an encore, Eric invites McMahon to Worcester and Slamboree, where they can settle it in the ring, one on one, and Bischoff would knock him out. This is surreal on so many levels and I have to wonder if Eric has had a little too much sleep depravation from the ratings levels lately.

Hey, look it's the Nitro Girls! This would be a good time for ALEX WRIGHT to come out dancing, piss everybody off, then get escorted away by Doug Dellinger and security! And you know what? That's exactly what happens.

Tape your Nitro Party - PLEASE. Don't worry, you won't be a nationwide laughingstock - you'll be FAMOUS!

YUJI NAGATA (with Sonny Onoo) v. SCOTT NORTON - I think Sonny Onoo actually spends more time applauding Norton than his own man. I also think I was supposed to notice it, because it's apparently so obvious that even Tony Schiavone mentions it. Shoulderbreaker, and I have to wonder what Yuji thought about his life when he woke up this morning (1:49). Scott notices Sonny's applause, but ignores it - we'll have to see if this goes somewhere if Norton can't decide between NWO Wolfpac and NWO Hollywood.

Mean Gene Okerlund hypes the hotline - Mike Tenay will tell you the long, boring story of Randy Savage and Bret Hart. I'd tell it to you here, for free, but it really is boring. Savage kept Hart down in the WWF, wouldn't step aside, blah blah blah.

The treacherous three talk about NWO Wolfpac, and specifically Curt Hennig joining last week. How powerful can NWO Hollywood be with these defections? Gee, and I though for months and months it only mattered where the Heavyweight title lay - guess that's out the window.

Let us take you back to last week where, against Brian Adams' wishes, Curt Hennig crosses that line - removing his NWO T-shirt to reveal - ANOTHER NWO T-shirt!

HUGH MORRUS (with James Hart) v. JIM POWERS (no entrance) - What is this, night of the Living Jobbers? No Laughing Matter moonsault, whoops this match is over (:27) Tony accurately pegs match time as "under two minutes." I wonder how much they got paid for THAT one.

As we get ready to break, we see KEVIN NASH & KONNAN walking through the crowd to the ring area. Let's skip that ad break! Nash: "Short and sweet...two years ago, Scott Hall & I formed what's now known as the NWO - Hollywood Hogan was up on some mountain making a movie, he saw the train leaving and decided to come aboard...the only NWO is the boys wearing the black and red right now..." Viagra joke ... then NASH calls out Hogan to apologise, defer to Nash on several bases (including age, athleticism, sexiness, etc) and then Konnan and Nash teach Hogan the proper way of saying "4 life" and "too sweet" and then they're cut off.

ULTIMO DRAGON v. JOHNNY SWINGER (no entrance) - the night Nitro became Worldwide continues - does WCW *deliberately* want a reason on which to hang lousy ratings? I believe this is Swinger's Nitro debut - ah, who cares. Tenay switches to "WCW Pro exclusive" commentary mode for a minute, counting a near pinfall for Swinger as if he has a snowball's chance in hell. To make everything a little more appealing, CHAVO GUERRERO JR. comes out to cheer on the Dragon (huh?) - Anyway, Dragon sleeper and that's all she wrote (2:02) - Guerrero comes in and shakes Dragon's hand - this brings out EDDIE GUERRERO, who doesn't like what Chavo's doing and lets him know. Chavo actually pushes Eddie down (big pop). Eddie starts talking, then points to his chin, daring Chavo to hit him again. Dragon takes this opportunity to put the Sleeper on Eddie, which Chavo breaks up. Then Eddie attacks Dragon, which Chavo breaks up. Poor Chavo, he's caught right in the middle - I guess next time he'll just mind his damn business. Nah.

DUSTY RHODES comes out (they're still paying him? Huh.) to filibusta about the Wolfpac and Scott Hall and stuff even us Internet Insiders don't give a damn about. I think Rhodes actually loses his train of thought several times about which NWO member is on which side, because he rips into Savage even though he's pro-every other Wolfpac member and anti-Hollywood.

This portion of Nitro is brought to you by Burger King! Hey Burger King, it's not too late to try to get a refund...

LEN DENTON v. (bill "82-0") GOLDBERG for the United States Heavyweight title - does anybody else see anything wrong with this matchup? (:53) This just in - Hugh Morrus to be fired Tuesday for having a match half as long as Goldberg's.

WCW Power Plant ad.

Let us take you back to MTV's "Ultimate Music Video Feud" where DDP and Raven slip and slide and do that bullrope thing, but ultimately (who sees this pun coming?) ... it's a wash.

Mean Gene introduces J.J. DILLON, who is followed by RAVEN. Apparently, Raven's filed a grievance due to all these awful, unprovoked attacks from DDP, fans, beer guys - there's a pattern, it is contended, a pattern contributing to an "unsafe work environment" and a possible breach of contract. The result: WCW will spring for four "riot control officers" to serve as Raven's shadow. Of course, they're all conveniently masked by riot gear including helmet - hmmm, I wonder if this will come into play, later... with that out of the way, Raven brings out the Flock, promises to find out the man responsible for the attacks, challenges Diamond Dallas Page to a "bowery death match" (enclosed cage, must answer a ten count after pinfall to continue), and then calls out Saturn. Last week, you'll recall, Hammer defeated Saturn in a loser leaves the flock match. This week we find out that "loser leaves the flock" referred to Hammer being a loser, not to the loser of the match. So they all beat up Hammer (who Tony insists on repeatedly calling "Van Hammer" for some odd reason - I know, I know, don't write me, I know) Anyway, somewhere in all this JERRY FLYNN runs out and gets squashed by (perry) SATURN in about a minute.

Replay of Eric Bischoff wondering aloud what Vince McMahon is thinking, and a replay of CRZ wondering aloud what Bischoff is thinking.

Let us take you back to last week's Nitro (because THIS week's Nitro SUCKS rocks on a stick) Booker T foolishly turns his back on Fit Finley, and ends up losing the World's TV title to him in the process.

Bobby Heenan replaces Zbyszko at the commentary table.

FIT FINLEY v. RAGE (with Kaos and no entrance) for the World Television Title. Wow, the TV belt suddenly seems as important as the good ol' US title tonight, doesn't it? Tony lets us know that the winner of tonight's match (Finley, I hope) will meet the winner of a later Booker T/Chris Benoit matchup at Slamboree for the TV title. Needless to say, Kaos interferes, and it doesn't matter - Finley whomps on both of them. Finally, we're in a position where Rage is holding down the referee who has his back turned, and Kaos climbs the ropes - he's poised on the top turnbuckle, he's poised, he's poised - man, I wish whoever was supposed to run in would just RUN IN already, this is getting embarrassing - he's poised, he's poised - ah, there's Booker T, who crotches Kaos (bleah) on the top turnbuckle. Before Chris Benoit can come out to beat up Booker T for no apparently reason, Finley DOES hit a tombstone on Rage for the pin (3:19) - JJ Dillon comes out to break up Benoit and T, and tells them that their respective singles contests tonight are being cancelled, to set up a match between the two TONIGHT - where the winner will get a TV title shot at Slamboree - well, is Tony Schiavone a friggin' psychic or WHAT?

Replay of Eric Bischoff making a safe challenge to Vince McMahon. Safe because McMahon would only show up if it were Ted Turner making the challenge.

Hey look, it's the Nitro girls!

Why does the guy in the Nitro Party tape have Ultimate Warrior face paint on? Is it a sign? Or is he just stupid?

LENNY LANE v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE - Give Lane credit, at least he gets an entrance. Listening to Tenay and Heenan talk about chipped beef is the most exciting thing about this entire match. This week's Diamond Cutter variation is a superdiamondcutter off the second turnbuckle - well, Lane is on the turnbuckle. Page is just on the mat. Not worth the commentators' collective orgasm, but that's just MODO. (2:55) Lucky us, Page gets a mic after this match and talks about "banging Raven" or something. Raven comes out with riot squad in tow, then turns around and walks back.

One more replay of Eric Bischoff doing his LL Cool J impersonation and giving Vince McMahon so much free press that I have to wonder what's smarter - this, or giving us Saturday Night quality matches for the first two hours of Nitro.

Promotional consideration paid for by the Super Soaker CPS 2500 & 3000, David sunflower seeds, Motel 6, and the Tootsie Candy Quiz (I passed!)

Hour number three starts at ten to the hour, but I smell Voodoo Chili...hey look, it's YOU KNOW WHO complete with Bischoff and the Booty Disciple, AND Brian Adams, AND Vincenzo (I guess that ends the speculation about Vincent, then.) Hollywood sets the (depressing) tone for this interview by promising a sequel to "Assault on Devil's Island," then runs down the Outsiders, saying they're nothing without him, blah blah blah. I can't once again help but mention that the World Heavyweight Title has no name plate - and I know you care about this as much as I do because your emails prove it. Turning to Nash, Hogan lays down some smack of his own, then calls out Nash, who is too happy to come out. Hogan and Nash play a white man's dozens and then Hogan delivers an ultimatum, losing his voice in the process - Nash politely declines to back down, but before Hogan reacts, he tells Nash he has a "big gun" in the back, and calls him out. And it's the GIANT. Nash gets through everybody but Hogan before Giant gets him, and Giant levels him. Rhodes, Konnan and Savage come out to stand over Nash, but the damage is done. Hey wait a minute, did I just say that Giant came out in an NWO T on Hollywood's side? Yes, I guess I did. ...the hell?

WCW comes this week to Springfield, Durham for THUNDER!, Bangor, and Amherst! Did I mention THUNDER! will be on this week? Look for an exciting Mike Tolbert/Bobby Blaze matchup, no doubt.

The Awesome Three are as stymied as I am that the Giant is (apparently) back with the NWO and Hollywood. How does this affect the big tag team title match Sunday, where Giant and Sting are supposed to team up against the Outsiders? Let's hope it's all just a swerve or else it will be another one of those boneheaded on-the-fly booking decisions that leave plot holes I can steer a Mack truck through.

Let us take you back to last week's Nitro, where Chris Jericho runs down Dean Malenko and wrestles "Bore-Us" Malenko, the Man of One Hold.

Gene-o interviews CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO who has all his trophies in two (including a prosthetic knee, representing Rey Mysterio Jr.) and promises to retire the Cruiserweight title tonight, citing lack of competition. Out comes J.J. Dillon, who announces that at Slamboree, there will be a fifteen man cruiser battle royale, with the winner getting a shot at Jericho later that night. Jericho likes those odds and accepts. Jericho once again dedicates his career to a portrait of Dean Malenko, but when the portrait is revealed, SOMEONE has defaced it with funny glasses, hair, devil horns, balloon with "I'm a Jerichoholic" written in it - well, that's enough for JOE MALENKO, Dean's brother, who comes out and threatens Jericho. Jericho promises it will never, ever happen again and offers the portrait for Joe to take out with him. Of course, when Joe does this, he leaves his back turned, so Jericho waffles him with the fake leg. Ha!

Gene Okerlund narrates the Starburst Pin on a Map Road Report - Thursady in Durham, New Hampshire, there'll be THUNDER!

GLACIER locker room interview - locker room interview? Damn, this IS a Saturday Night show all over again! Glacier promises that anyone who utilises HIS Cryonic Kick will suffer the consequences. So, that's like, who, Chris Adams?

GLACIER v. SICK BOY - Somehow, referee "Blind" Nick Patrick gets KO'd, so when Glacier hits his cryonic kick, there's no one to count the pinfall. Out comes Saturn, who superkicks Glacier for no apparent reason, and brings Patrick to. 1, 2, kickout, bell rings anyway - oops, somebody forgot to tell the time keeper the ending, ha ha! Glacier hits ANOTHER Cryonic kick and gets the 1, 2, 3. (2:04) Saturn comes back in and delivers a Spicolli driver, which I guess means Glacier has been sucked into the Flock Zone. Let me think about why Saturn and Glacier would feud....hmm..........still thinking....

Let us take you back to last week's Nitro where Rick Steiner calls out Scott Steiner, who cries like a little girl and tugs on Rick's heartstrings, then lets Brian Adams beat him up with a baseball bat.

Mean Gene Okerlund interviews THE NARCISSIST, who talks about Rick's surgery - he'll be out three or four months. Luger asks J.J. Dillon - nay, he DEMANDS - to get a match with Brian Adams, Scott Steiner, or both at Slamboree.

This portion of Nitro brought to you by M&M candies!

Outsiders - by the Shirt!

(2 time former TV champion) CHRIS BENOIT (with fresh haircut) v. BOOKER T - Finally, a match! It's all Benoit at the start - kicks, punches, pummeling, chops (woooo!). T comes back with a "back kick." Whip and a backbody drop by Booker T. T with a semi-press slam, Benoit rolls outside, T follows and hits him on the outside, then brings him back in. Benoit comes to and takes over - now it's back and forth. Benoit with a German suplex and they're both down. Benoit with a nice snap suplex. Kidney shot. Chop (woooo!) and a kick. Whip, reverse, Benoit puts up his feet, and tries to follow it up by running in but meets a powerslam. Both men are down again. Booker T with an elbow and chop (woooo!) of his own. Whip and an elbow by Booker T. 1, Benoit grabs a rope. Booker T with another whip, but Benoit holds onto the ropes, and when BOoker T comes in with a big scissors kick, he only finds the top rope. Benoit back to the attack, culminating in a backbreaker for 2. Benoit looks for approval from the crowd, and the three Internet Insiders cheer for joy. Benoit with a belly-to-back suplex, then the "thumb across the throat" hand gesture which meets with more crowd approval. Diving headbutt! But they're both down and Benoit can't cover. 1, 2, kick out. Chop (woooo!) Whip, duck, kick in the gut by Booker T, axe kick (crowd, sensing Benoit loss, boos). Whip, spinebuster (or as Tony would say, "sidewalk slam"), whip, pancake, breakdance - hey, Benoit ducks a Harlem side kick! yeah! Some people will speculate that at this point Benoit pushes referee "Blind" Mark Curtis in Booker T's way, but I'm not one of them. Anyway, Booker T is trying to remove Curtis from his direct path, but that's just enough of a distraction for Benoit to put on the Crippler crossface in the centre of the ring, and Booker T has to submit. (6:41) Sunday at Slamboree it'll be Fit Finley vs. Chris Benoit for the TV Title - I have to wonder how Benoit will manage to lose it THIS time.

MICHAEL BUFFER claims we're seeing "the greatest WCW Monday night ever" which makes me wonder what exactly what he was watching in the back room, or more accurately, what he's smoking. Let's get ready to (this word censored by a court order). In a change, both men arrive in the ring without an ad break separating them. You know, Savage does a pretty good job of hiding that limp when he wants to...

RANDY SAVAGE v. YOU KNOW WHO (with the Booty Disciple) - since I have a minute here, let me predict that Bret Hart will somehow figure into the finish. Savage attacks before the bell. Your referee, by the way, is "Blind" Charles Robinson. Savage chokes Hogan with his own shirt. Hogan begs off in the corner, but finally comes alive with an eye gouge just after Savage pulls on what's left of Hogan's hair. Punch, whip, lariat. Hogan chokes Savage with his boot. Savage manages to roll to the outside where he's decided to stop worrying about hiding his limp (because the big knee brace gives it away!) Hogan takes Savage to the barricade, then to the steel ring post, then rakes his back, then introduces him to ANOTHER barricade. Finally, Robinson suggests that maybe this match could actually be fought IN THE RING and amazingly, they comply. Savage tries a kick, but Hogan holds his leg and stings the inner thigh (ahem). Hogan with a lariat and a big elbow. Chokehold for 4. Hogan with a monkeyflip against the bottom rope - man, Hogan's got a repetoire tonight! Throat thrust from Hogan. Head to the turnbuckle. Big blows, and another choke. Hogan pulls him backwards against the top rope - finally Savage comes back by managing to have his trick knee act up and Golotta Hogan. Savage attempts an axehandle, but he's too slow. Hogan with a gut shot - the big boot to the face! Scoop slam by Hogan! He's going for the big legdrop - he misses! Savage is back with a bodyslam of his own, and now he's climbing the ropes for the elbow drop. Cue Disciple, who pushes him off. Out comes BRET HART (all right! I'm right! Fish in a barrel, yeah, but still...) who clocks Savage with the belt, then SPITS on Savage (DQ 6:45) - cue the garbage! Out runs Nash, too late. Out comes - Roddy Piper? Oh boy, he's gonna be the special referee for the big Hart/Savage match on Sunday. Piper yammers on about how fair he'll be on Sunday. It STILL isn't enough to keep the fans from pelting the ring with garbage. For an encore, out comes the Giant in his NWO shirt to stand next to Hollywood and stare at Nash. Oh look, there's (This Is) Sting, up in the rafters! Kill me now. Just kill me now. The only thing missing here is that stupid vulture.

Until next week, and what I'm sure will be the fallout from the BEST SLAMBOREE EVER IN THE HISTORY OF OUR SPORT!