Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! No opening credits, I guess.

Live from the Roberts Stadium in Evansville, Indiana, it's WCW Nitro! It's rated TV-14 and closed captioned. Happy Memorial Day (observed), everyone! It's 25.5.98.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and Larry (I Can't Wait To Get Up Off My Seat To Make The Fans Chant My Name) Zbyszko. Tony announces that Giant will team up with Sting in the tag team main event tonight - but that "Sting" won't be (This Is) Sting, but NWO Sting. How did all this come about? Let us take you back to last week's Nitro, where Sting declines NWO membership by way of a WCW loogie. This is followed by a beatdown at the hands of the Giant, and a rescue by (of all people) Kevin Nash. When we take you back to THUNDER!, we see Giant tell us he's apologised to Sting and they're still good friends, the Champs, and in the NWO. Out comes Lex Luger who accuses the big man of lying, and for an encore challenges him to a match for the THUNDER! main event. Giant offers Luger NWO membership, just like Sting, and just like Sting, Luger hawks up a thick one and expectorates. Giant goes on to demolish about a hundred cruiserweights for no apparent reason. Later, in that main event, we see paper airplanes fly into the ring, oh, and Sting comes out to attack Luger. In a rare display of thoughtfulness, Tony speculates that that just might NOT be Sting. Hey, Tone's comin' 'round, ain't he.

By the way, you can tell we're back to a three hour show because we HAVEN'T seen anything resembling live action yet.

Hey, it's the opening credits! Yahoo! What better way to lead into an ad break?

RAVEN, the Riot Squad, Kidman, Horace, and Lodi come out. Let me take this opportunity to welcome Lodi back to action. Raven rants on about Mortis, Saturn, what about me, etc. Raven goes on to fire Kidman, Lodi, and Horace, in an attempt to get Saturn back. I didn't know he'd left...Lodi eats a DDT when he protests his firing. Well, hell. What was that about? I guess Sick Boy and Reese are on the Cruise ship...

Locker room interview by Glacier - he got all the hype and entrances because he was THAT good. He invented the Cryonic kick. Perry Saturn's kick isn't better than his, what Glacier creates, he can destroy, he wants a match, he'll demolish Saturn, ok, time for a snack.

Get wired at www.wcwwrestling.com! Unfortunately, this ad gets cut off. Or is it?

This portion of WCW Nitro is brought to you by Valvoline!

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls!

Can you believe it? The Nitro Party Contest has SPONSORSHIP! Mug Root Beer - I can never drink it again. You know, the foam goes straight to your BRAIN...

The Treacherous three talk about Chris Benoit and Booker T. because they have issues. Larry milks another chant from the crowd. Let us take you back to THUNDER! (because apparently no one watched it) where Tony announces that the #1 Contender to Fit Finley's TV title is Booker T. - this brings out Chris Benoit, who isn't happy with that decision. After some talking, Benoit waffles Booker from behind. After being separated by security, out returns Stevie Ray, who can't believe he's letting some punk cracker give him the beatdown when he should be stomping a mudhole in his butt, now can you dig it? Harlem Heat walk off arm in arm.

Hey, it's 23 after the hour, must be time for a match!

FIT FINLEY v. MIKE ENOS for the WCW Television title - whoops, did I call this a match? Anyway, the championship committee has decided that the #1 Contender will be decided in a best-of-seven series between Benoit and T. Well, there are worse decisions, but I'm willing to let logic fly out the window to watch these two go at it at least four times. Match number one is tonight, there will also be a match on THUNDER! and another on Saturday Night. Larry suggests calling the NWO Sting "Stink" which would have been funny oh, years ago. Actually, I'm being pretty harsh on the commentators - they eventually DO settle down and talk about Fit Finley and this match. Enos gets a chance to look good, as is Finley's MO. Is it just me or does Enos look like he has a license plate on his ass? Finley does that great fireman's carry flip, Enos gets a fallaway slam for 2. Crowd is cheering like crazy for Enos - is he local? Whoops, tombstone and it's over (3:55). I also was strangely compelled to watch a beach ball in the audience until a security guard appropriated it to himself. The Slim Jim replay is Enos botching a backbreaker - Finley landing on his knee, and the tombstone.

Clip from last week's on THUNDER! has Savage talking about Piper being his partner so he could get his hands on Hart.

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Simonize Car Care, America Online, and Lean Pockets.

Mean Gene Okerlund shills the hotline - Mike Tenay will give you the skinny on Hogan and Hart if you just plunk down that $1.69 a minute. Okerlund goes on to interview - no one.

GLACIER v. (perry) SATURN - lockup, no. Lockup, Glacier with a leg sweep. Lodi is conspicuous in the front row. Saturn with knees to the gut and a leg sweep of his own (big pop). Staredown, shoving match. Palm thrust by Glacier, round kick and down goes Saturn. Saturn gets up and matches him again. Headlock by Saturn, wristlock, reverse, elbows by Glacier, big kick. To the corner, repeated kicks and elbows by Glacier. Pose by Glacier (ooh, look at his eye!) Saturn takes the advantage, moves Glacier into the corner and kicks away to the body AND the head. Whip into the corner, but Glacier puts up a boot for Saturn to run into. Tony says "booed lustily." Hey, there's Raven! Meantime, Saturn has suplexed Glacier, and bodyslams him. Saturn to the top, but the splash meets the knees. Glacier with a slap. Whip, miss, both men go down hard. We turn to Raven, who is suddenly attacked from behind...by Hammer? Before Hammer can get to Saturn, he eats a Cryonic kick from Glacier (Why?) - this gives Saturn the opening to deliver the Spicolli driver for the pin. (4:15) Raven and Saturn have a staredown, and Saturn walks away. Raven says "What about me?" until they have ANOTHER staredown, and Saturn walks away again.

Another excerpt from Savage's THUNDER! interview - he guesses he can trust Piper since they both hate Hogan.

The Starburst fruit chews pin on a map road report - Mean Gene tells us that THUNDER! will be *Wednesday* in Nashville.

Tickets go on sale Friday for Atlanta, Birmingham, Los Angeles, San Diego, and Oakland. If you watched Worldwide (I'm sorry, and) in the Bay Area, you might have learned that you can meet Goldberg and the Nitro Girls for first day ticket sales for Oakland, which will be the 16 July THUNDER! I'm still trying to decide if I want to go or not.

The treacherous three talk some more about tonight's big main event, Giant & NWO Sting against Luger & (This Is) Sting.

With the NWO theme blaring, out come NWO Hollywood - rather, GIANT, BRIAN ADAMS & VINCENZO. "Hey yo...let me start off by talking about one person and one person only, you, Kevin Nash. Could you guys just shut up, I'm trying to make a point here....you're a yellow-bellied coward. You leave Konnan and the Macho Man in the back and come out so I can kick your butt all over this arena right now...I'm the original Big Sexy! If you're man at all, I know you're supposed to have a little concussion, but I just think you're flat out scared." Boy he's talking fast now. Upshot is he wants Nash, and so does the crowd, with a "We want Nash" chant. And sure enough, out he comes. He's got a mic, too! "Hey big boy, you want some of this?" "Yeah, I want some." "Nothing I'd like better tonight than to take care of Hogan's three fluff boys." Of course, they do the black ninja impersonation where they only attack one at a time so Nash can beat them up, but eventually they wise up and the triple team is on. Making the save is Konnan and Lex Luger. Lex Luger? Yep, armed with chair, we clears the ring of the fluff boys. Well, he doesn't have a wolfpack shirt on - just your basic black T. Perhaps I should add "...yet" as Hennig and Savage join them in the ring, and a Wolfpac shirt is thrown to Luger. The crowd is going apeshit. Is he going to do it? Is he? After an appropriate amount of suspense, HE DOES!!! Luger puts on the shirt, and is now apparently in NWO Wolfpac. The crowd's noise somehow doubles in deciBels. Unreal!

Another clip from Savage's THUNDER! interview - he'll team with Piper but then beat an apology out of him.

The WCW Power Plant is, like, the Harvard of professional wrestling.

Tony mentions a Memorial Day bombshell tradition - reminding us that Scott Hall first appeared on Nitro two years ago on Memorial Day. And tonight, Luger jumped to the Wolfpac. I can't believe it either.

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with "conspiracy victim" sign) v. EL DANDY - Jericho doesn't get any interview time tonight, which sucks. Dandy has his way with Jericho until missing a missile dropkick from the top rope and immediately being put in the Liontamer. (1:00) - yeah, Jericho DOES get the mic! He dedicates the match to the Jerichoholics who are crestfallen by the vast conspiracy which removed the belt from his waist. Jericho again mistakenly refers to J.J. Dillon as the "president," so for the second time, he doesn't come out when called. Whoops, I spoke too soon. Jericho slings every insult he can at Dillon - until he sees Dillon, and he turns Eddie Haskell on us. Presenting his evidence to Dillon (the lack of Malenko's name on the battle royal participant list), he demands an immediate restoration of his champion status. Dillon says that he seems to recall Jericho saying he was cool with the Slamboree match - Jericho says he was misquoted. Dillon says that unless Jericho can provide precedent, the decision will stand. Jericho throws a tantrum, insulting Dillon, then trying to suck up to him as he leaves the ring.

Let us take you back to moments ago, where Luger joins the Wolfpac.

This portion of Nitro brought to you by Burger King!

KONNAN (alone?) v. LA PARKA (with Chair) - Tony announces that it will be GIANT and not Goldberg at the Oakland Colesium Friday - well, that's not as fun, is it. Back and forth until Konnan gets a cool drop toehold into a turnbuckle. Konnan with his somersault clothesline, his dropkick to a seated opponent. La Parka reverse with a short clothesline and a flying kick of some kind. La Parka with a top rope double axehandle to the floor, hitting his head on the mat in the process. Both men back in. Scoop slam by La Parka, to the top rope but he eats both boots. Konnan with a cradle DDT and the Tequila Sunrise for the submission (3:01).

The Nitro Girls have stormed the commentators booth! Run!

"Home video" from Mortis - Feb. 12 Mortis died, but the man survived. At Slamboree, the chairshot heard 'round the world was delivered and Kanyon was reborn. He'll be around...we don't know when, where, or who he'll be, but he will. And Raven better worry...

Another clip from Savage's THUNDER! interview - enough already.

Cage the madness! Buy the shirt! YES! More Savage!

Mean Gene Okerlund interviews RODDY PIPER, who talks loud and says nothing. For an encore, out comes RANDY SAVAGE, who brushes off Liz to get into the ring. I just love it when tag team partners don't like each other. Before this gets too surreal, let's bring out BRET HART, who stirs the pot, telling Savage that he's fallen for the whole plan he and Piper set up, and how gullible he is, hook line and sinker, etc. Hart then sucks up to Piper right in front of Savage. Of course, Savage is so gullible, he falls for the whole plan, hook line and sinker, etc. Piper tries to make a deal - they'll tag up at the Great American Bash, and if Savage still wants a piece of him afterwards, he'll get the shot. Savage seems agreeable to this, as he and Liz storm out. Piper poses in the ring as his music plays.

Bobby Heenan joins the commentators. Wow, can you believe this show is half over?

KIDMAN (with Lodi) v. NEVER SURRENDER JUVENTUD GUERRERA - Nothing much until a pretty sweet Kidman spinebuster. Juvi comes back by putting his feet up when Kidman runs at him in the corner. Kidman loses his shirt, oh no! Juvi with a great Frankensteiner, and a great tope suicida - hmmm, I wonder how he'll manage to lose TONIGHT. After an awfully long time on the outside, they're back in - no, Lodi is holding Guerrera's ankle - that's a distraction, and Kidman is back in charge. Juvi gets a sunset flip for 2, Kidman is back up with a dynamite dropkick. To the chinlock, then repeated kneedrops across the chest, back to the chinlock. Crowd is pumping up Juvi, he's back up, chopping away, running to Kidman, but eats a WICKED lariat. Instead of going for the cover, Kidman throws him outside. Kidman follows and bangs Guerrera's head on the mat. Kidman comes back in with a guillotine over the ropes for 2. Whip into the corner, splash misses, lariat by Guerrera but he's out of gas. Both men down and the count is on. Juvi is up at 4 but runs into a powerslam. Again they're both down and the count is on. 2 count by Kidman, 2 count by Juvi. Kidman with a choke, just beating Mickey Jay's five count. Kidman with a whip, Kidman with a kick, Juvi tries the Juvi driver but Kidman goes behind, Kidman into a sort of Dragon sleeper, suplex misses, Juvi's outside the ropes, Juvi to the top, "flying body attack" for 2. Kidman again with a tiltawhirl, but only 2. Dueling hiptos attempts, into a waistlock, Kidman with a German suplex, and now he's to the top rope. Juvi is up and dropkicks Kidman on the way down. They're both down again. Up, Guerrera with the Juvi Driver! To the top - 450 splash (sorta)! 1, 2, 3 (9:22) - wow, that turned out to be a nice little match there. Why can't they do THAT more often? And why do they have to qualify it by saying it's only 'cause Reese isn't here tonight?

How 'bout that Diamond Cutter shirt? Acquire the attire!

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls!

This week's Nitro Party tape is a buncha girls. They have COOTIES, too.

The Awesome 3 talk about Luger and the NWO - Heenan speculates that perhaps Luger has talked to Sting and Sting's in the Wolfpac. They turn to Scott Steiner, who apparently is in Hollywood meeting with producers. A clip from Nitro three weeks ago demonstrates Scott's tremendous acting ability as he gets all teary and swerves Rick, whose shoulder is broken in half by Brian Adams. We are reminded that Rick has had surgery and will be out several months.

CHAVO GUERRERO's music plays, but it's EDDIE who comes out. Whoops, Chavo's in tow. Last week on THUNDER!, we saw Chavo become everything Eddie ever wanted, scaring Eddie in the processs. Chavo once again tells Eddie that he knows his role and he'll take the match, to Eddie's consternation. Eddie tries to get the match, but Chavo won't have any of it. He goes on to ask Eddie to hit him, and Eddie doesn't comply.

CHAVO GUERRERO, JR. vs. ULTIMO DRAGON - Dragon really doesn't seem to know how to handle this situation. Chavo tries to lead an "Eddie" chant but the crowd won't have it. Dragon makes the "loco" hand signal. Chavo continues acting gung ho while Dragon shakes his head. OK, headloack by Chavo, whip out, they take turns missing moves until Drago hits a legsweep. Big chops from Dragon. Dragon does his headstand bit and dropkicks Chavo. Chavo strikes back with a kick of his own. Chavo with deliberate chops and kicks. Dragon with legwhip, into a - hey! Kunze stump puller! No submission. Dragon with some more nifty moves into submission holds that even Tenay doesn't know the names of. Chavo escapes to the outside. Eddie yells at him to get back in. Back in he goes, Dragon with those loud kicks and into a chinlock. To the corner, whip out, Dragon with handspring back elbow. To the top to try a super-something, but Chavo punches out and before he can suplex him in, Eddie holds Chavo's ankle - Dragon tries the sleeper, but Chavo KNEELIFTS out of it to counter! Chavo takes him to the ropes and chokes away. Eddie who's had the towel over his head ever since the dragon sleeper attempt, is shocked to see Chavo standing over the Dragon saying "Hey, Eddie! I'm cheating to win!" Chavo's raking the eyes, too. Now Chavo goes for the tornado DDT, and HITS it! 1, 2, 3!!!!!! (4:37) Even Eddie has to applaud. Chavo is ready, he wants to fight some more. "Who's next? I want some! Hey, Eddie, wanna fight? I'm ready! Come on, let's fight!" Eddie says "We'll fight later, let's go." Chavo is challenging fans at ringside. The "Eddie sucks" chant fires up again and Chavo covers Eddie's ears. Mean Gene is out to interview them, but before that happens J.J. Dillon announces a new match for the Great American Bash - Chavo vs. Eddie! Apparently, that was a verbal contract back there or something. Eddie is apprehensive, fully believing Chavo is nuts. Chavo is delighted. He goes on to ask Mean Gene Okerlund to hit him.

Promotional consideration paid for by the Super Soaker CPS 2500 & 3000, David sunflower seeds, Motel 6, Dan Marino for First Plus Lenders.

Hour three! TV-14!

LENNY LANE (with Abdomen Polish) v. DEAN MALENKO for the Cruiserweight championship - the commentators actually remember a little bit of history, a few months back when Lane masqueraded as Chris Jericho and swerved Malenko. Not that that figures into this match. Lane has a new gimmick where he oils up his abs, then shows 'em off. Not bad for one of the Top 10 Jobbers, according to the Big Wrestling Shoe. Lane actually gets a nice bulldog for 2. Heenan mentions that Lane's mother is named Lois, and nobody gets the joke. The reason I'm not calling this match is because it's incredibly BORING - it's like the Kidman/Guerrera match but without any of the stuff that I liked. Besides, we all know Lane doesn't have a chance, no matter HOW many two counts he gets. Tejas cloverleaf and that's all she wrote. (4:34) He's not the Iceman any more, see, he wants Jericho - sure.

This portion of WCW Nitro is brought to you by Twix!

(bill "89-0") GOLDBERG v. JOHNNY ATTITUDE for the United States Heavyweight championship - Attitude has shaved his head and turned into Goldberg 2 - quite a good imitation, as well. I believe Goldberg's entrance now takes longer than his matches. Attitude tries the spear, and Goldberg doesn't move. Gorilla press, five punches, knee to the gut, forearm, whip, spear, walking ("running") jackhammer, pin. (1:09)

The Great American Bash is Flag Day (that's 14 June for our non- American friends)! Interesting that this ad features the Flock, since 1) they were fired and 2) Saturn isn't in the Flock.

BOOKER T. v. AD BREAK -

Since I have some time here, let me make a bold prediction - this series will go either four or seven - either way, it'll end on a Nitro.

BOOKER T. v. CHRIS "GOD OF RSPW" BENOIT in Match #1 of a Best-of-7 Series To Determine the #1 Contender to the TV Title - Staredown to start. T pushes Benoit. Staredown continues. Lockup, to the corner, reverse, clean break, no. Benoit with chop (woooo!) T turns it around and pummels Benoit and shouts. Whip into the ropes, out with a back body drop. Big forearm from T and Benoit is on the outside. Tony continues to talk about Sting. Benoit comes back in. Lockup, no, Benoit with a big kick. He stays on him with rights. Whip, reverse, ducks a clothesline. Benoit tries a suplex but Booker rolls for 2. Booker T follows up and Benoit is again on the outside. Commentators ignore Benoit's reigns. Booker T with knees to the guts and a big chop. Whip into the corner, but Benoit puts the feet up. Benoit tries for the armbar, but T counters and takes him down with a kick. Big bodyslam for 2 by T. Shout. Whip, T ducks, eats a kick. Benoit with another kick, and a front suplex lands Booker T on the top rope. T falls to the outside. Benoit back to the stompin', whip, and down with an elbow for 2. Benoit with a kick to the head. Snap suplex for 2. Benoit to the chinlock - he also pins back his right arm with his leg. T. gets up and fights out. Sunset flip for 2. Big chop by Benoit, cover for 2. Benoit with a whip, and a clothesline. 1, 2, no. Benoit to the chinlock again, again holding back the right arm. Fans bring T back to life again, but Benoit trips T. Benoit urges T to get up, but stomps on him before he can. Picking him up, it's chop (woooo!) time. T crumples. Benoit stays on him with deliberate knife-edge chops. Benoit puts a boot between the shoulderblades. Into the corner, Benoit snaps him over and returns to the chinlock. It looks like Booker T taps out to me, but I guess not. Into the corner, T comes back, but Benoit hits a backbreaker for 2. Benoit makes the thumb across the throat signal and climbs to the top. Here comes the lying headbutt - nobody home! Fit Finley, in street clothes and with title, comes out to watch. Booker T has come back with the spinebuster (or as Tony would say, the "sidewalk slam"), whip, pancake, breakdance, oh oh...Benoit ducks the kick, T ducks the clothesline, Benoit ducks the kick - reverse, reverse, axe kick by T! Sidewalk slam ("side sauto") by T - T climbs the ropes and tries the Harlem hangover, but misses! Both men is down. Benoit up at 9, covers for 2. T attempts a clothesline - Benoit catches it and puts on the Crippler Crossface! It's over! (11:44) Finley says something in Irish. Damn, THIS - this is what watching wrestling is all about. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Oh boy! "The Real Reason Men Commit Crimes" makes a PPV debut 5 June! Should I watch this or "The Truman Show?" That's that movie Sting is in, by the way, in case you weren't paying attention (and I don't blame you if you weren't, ha ha).

Tony actually says "I'm not going to say this is the biggest match in the history of Nitro..." but then follows it up with "...but it may be the most IMPORTANT match in the history of Nitro..." Sigh. Just when it seems like he's coming along...

Let us take you back to earlier tonight - Luger chairs Giant out of the ring. I just noticed this time around that the shirt Luger puts on was originally worn by Konnan - ewww, that's a little TOO close, guys.

Giant & NWO Sting walk out together. Apparently, this match isn't important enough for Michael Buffer to make it out. The NWO theme plays again - and out walks Luger, alone. He decides to wait for his partner - as "our Sting's" theme plays, he does come out, and walks right by Luger with no eye contact.

GIANT & NWO STING v. THE NARCISSIST & (THIS IS) STING - Sting quickly dispenses with the other Sting, leaving the Giant. The double team is on - Luger and Sting seemingly working as a team, but it's ambiguous enough to keep us wondering. We get a Stinger splash, we get the Stinger cry to the crowd. Giant finally goes down, and outside the ring. The Hollywood contingent huddle up on the outside. And now it's the two Stings in the ring. NWO Sting takes charge, until Sting reverses and hits a clothesline. Sting with a buttdrop. Another. Sting stomps on Bogus Sting's hand. Tag to Luger. Big atomic drop, big clothesline, big clothesline, big Ace toolbox forearm. Sting manages to throw Luger to the outside where the Giant is waiting. Luger thrown back in after the cheating. Luger dropped across the top rope, Sting with lots of elbows, and a 2 count. "Giant sucks" chant - man people turned on him fast. Giant with running clotheslines into the corner. Giant steps on Luger's neck. Sting gets the crowd to cheer, and they do. Giant is full of power moves. "Luger" chant. Giant with huge elbow drop. Giant steps on Luger's throat again, only this time Luger is standing. Tag to Sting. Whip into the corner, but the Bogus Stinger Splash misses. Luger tags and Sting is a house on fire. Stinger splash! Scorpion death drop! 1, 2, 3 - whoa, that's it (6:00). Out comes the Wolfpac, with one more T- shirt. Sting has made his way to the outside of the ring, and is walking down the steps. He climbs a step - and the crowd volume rises. He walks through the ropes, and the crowd volume rises. Sting's giving the stare to everybody. Luger offers the shirt - the crowd is going nuts. The shirt is thrown to Sting - he catches it - will he put it on? He looks at Luger...

And we're out of time! See you later!

Well, FUCK. They had to go do that, didn't they. And to think they were doing so well until the end.