Let Us Take You Back To Last Week, where Goldberg celebrates his victory over You Know Who to become the WCW World Heavyweight champion - Tony Schiavone (who has a freaky echo thing going) promises that we'll relive the match, the glory, the drama that is Goldberg, TONIGHT!

Opening credits.

Coming to you LIVE from Lost Wages, Nevada, and the MGM Grand Garden Arena (and Garden - roar like a lion for me), it's *WCW MONDAY NITRO* 13.7.98, rated TV-PG-DV and closed captioned. Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! and they're performing the exciting motorcycle dance scene from "Showgirls!" only there's no motorcycles, and also, they're wearing tops.

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, MIKE TENAY, and LARRY "DOES THIS GOLDBERG TEE MAKE ME LOOK FAT?" ZBYSZKO. Tony turns to Larry, who imagines hearing the crowd chant his name and stands up. Tenay, master of understatement, says "the phenomenon that is Goldberg is nothing short of phenomenal." Tenay is ALSO quick to point out that last week's Goldberg/Hogan match was the highest rated segment in the history of professional wrestling on cable television, and Tony pouts because HE didn't get to say it. As the crowd erupts into a loud "We want Flair" chant...

Let Us Take You Back to more clips of the psychological intensity that was Hogan talking, Goldberg headbutting a locker, walking to the ring, taking out Scott Hall, then performing the jackhammer on the Chump to become the new Champ. SEE Hogan say "I am gonna kick Goldberg's....BUTT!" SEE Goldberg spear Hogan without using his head! SEE the jackhammer as Tony says "Awww, hell yeah!" SEE Goldberg hold the Twenty pounds of gold so you can't see the spraypaint! HEAR the incredibly fake and looped Goldberg chant on tape! TRULY THIS WAS THE MOST HISTORIC MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF OUR SPORT!

Do you smell Voodoo Chili? Why, it's almost as if the show doesn't REALLY start until YOU KNOW WHO makes his way to ringside, accompanied by CRACKA EAZY-E, BOOTY DISCIPLE, SCOTT HALL, CURTRICK HENNIGRUDE, VINCENZO, and DAMN! LIZ looks HOT tonight. I would ask where Giant, Steiner and Adams are, but I guess I don't care. I would ALSO ask why Hennig keeps pattin' Hall on the rump, but again, I guess I don't care. "The propaganda is about to Stop! Hollywood is sick of all the crap jack - after last night, when me and Rodzilla proved that the true colours of professional wrestling are black and white..." All right, no more transcription for you, Hogan. He talks about Goldberg, Rodzilla, and then turns to "family business," which means it's once again time for Hogan to accuse a brotha of dropping the ball so that we can start a face turn for the victim in question - in this case, Scott Hall. It's all HALL'S fault Hogan no longer has the belt, you see. Hogan manages to say "crap" one more time, but I still won't forgive him for saying "butt" last week when "ass" would have worked so much better. Anyway, Hogan *calls Hall out*. "Hey yo, you questioning MY loyalty to the black-'n'-white? I did everything ya told me to do - I waxed Nash with the belt like ya told me to - I done everything you said because honestly, I need the money. But if you want som'a Scott Hall, right here in Vegas, in front of the whole world and Nitro - and uh, by the way, by the way, by the way, Goldberg beat me, that's true, and then right after that, he took YOUR belt." Anybody else watching Bischoff try his damnedest to not mouth along with everyone? "So Hollywood, you want som'a Scott Hall? Don't sing it - bring it." So that's tonight's main event I guess. Hogan calls himself the big bad creep. Suddenly, Hogan asks Bischoff what he's laughing about - I must have missed that. Anyway, Hogan recruits Bischoff as the Special Guest Referee. Bischoff waffles but Hogan presses the issue. Bischoff mouths along with Hall. Before it can come to blows right here, right now - Disciple plays the part of the buffer zone. Then somebody gives HIM the mic so he can talk about Diamond Dallas Page - 47 stitches - didn't get the job done - still here - take care of the family business - coward Dallas Page - if you've got any guts - meet me tonight in the ring. This is so boring, even Hall, gets up and leaves the ring. The crowd goes wild, and Disciple is still trying to talk about the Apocalypse. Get the hook! Hogan says we're going to find out "who 4 life is tonight," which is a Yodafication if I e'er heard one. But did I mention that Liz was totally foxy looking tonight? Yeah!

Wow, I'll bet THAT quarter hour banged the ratings. I really think what it needed was Scott Hall going, "Hey, who put this together, man? Who put this thing together? Me, that's who!!!" but he didn't.

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Valvoline.

Buy a Goldberg shirt, or his face will FREEZE like that!

Let us take you to exciting stills from last night's main event - where Karl Malone and DDP had the match to win, but thanks to Disciple making his presence felt with an Apocalypse on Page, it was Hogan and Rodman scoring the pinfall for the win. These clips, incidentally, pretty much captured EVERY manoeuvre performed in this match (4), which took about 132 minutes of the three hour pay-per-view.

BARBARIAN (with James Hart) v. HORACE (with Lodi, no music, and no entrance) - they have the NERVE to hype the Encore presentation of the pay-per-view. Barbarian dominates, even Jimmy Hart gets to punch at Horace. Lodi gets up on the apron, and referee "Blind" Billy Silverman stares at Horace until he figures out he's going to get a stop sign, then turns away so he won't see it. Zbyszko says "Caligula." Stop sign shot only gets a 2 count. Hart takes a shot from Horace. Barbarian hits the Kick of Fear to the STOP sign, where Horace is standing, for the pin. (2:05) - my description may have actually been more exciting than the match. In come RIGGS, KIDMAN, and LODI - Barbarian has a good run until taking another stop sign shot. In to make the save is - MENG? I thought these guys didn't like each other anymore. Anyway, Meng clears the ring of the flock. The Faces of Fear are back! No, no, Meng also puts the Tongan Death Grip on Barbarian, as the fans go ambivalent. THIS is WCW! The Castrol GTX Torture Test of the week are replays of this match - now THAT'S what I call a torture test! Schiavone characterizes Meng's return as "shocking."

Let us take you back to last night's big payperview, where Curt Hennig was the best Goldberg opponent ever - oh, but he still lost.

MEAN GENE OKERLUND, always keen to spot a segueway, invites out CURTRICK HENNIGRUDE - Hennig may have a hand on Okerlund's rear end, I can't tell. Gene O asks Rude where he was last night, and Rude says "somebody cancelled my flight - who could that have been, Goldberg?" Ummm... Turning to Hennig, "Let me tell you what we learned from last night...Bill Goldberg, I found out the weakness...tonight, I challenge Bill Goldberg, because I know now - Rick, I'd appreciate one thing - let me go out tonight without you because I don't want Goldberg going to the fans saying 'the only reason Curt Hennig won tonight was because he had Rick Rude at ringside.'" Rude says that this ain't a great idea, but seems to go along with it. Hennig says he will be the new "WCW Champion," forgetting which shirt he's wearing (again). Take a drink every time either of them reminds us of Goldberg's forbidden first name - ah, like the name of the Lord himself...

So that's like, three matches that have JUST BEEN MADE. Boy, it's a good thing they leave the last hour completely open so that they can fill it with the matches made in the first half hour...

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (why yes, I DO need a little excitement!), America (ha!) Online, OUTRAGEOUS AWESOME Ring Pops, and Mead *****, the TOUGHEST name in school supplies.

Let us take you back to last night's big payperview, where Chris Jericho managed to act surprised that Rey Mysterio Jr. returned Sunday, even though he wrestled him two nights earlier at the big LA Melee. Oh, and Mysterio won the Cruiserweight title, no doubt by cheating and pulling the hair and putting his feet on the ropes, because NOBODY beats Jericho.

Gene O interviews J.J. DILLON - again that verboten word "Bill" is uttered. It's JUST Goldberg, dammit! They bring out REY MYSTERIO, JR. (finally! He's back on Nitro! But why is Gene O complementing his package?) - so why's Dillon out there? Ahhh, it's because CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO done come out with a WCW rule book (I wish someone would send ME one of those) to rain on Mysterio's parade. Apparently, on page 257 of the WCW Rulebook, it says that "For the safety of the athletes involved, if a wrestler is suspended...and affects the outcome of the match, that decision shall be null and void." Bottom line: when Dean Malenko came out last night, the Jericho/Mysterio match should have been null and void, and therefore, Jericho should get the belt back. Dillon says well, Jericho's correct. Wow, they didn't even have to run that by the Championship committee or anything! "JoJo, you tell Ron Mysterio Jr. to GIVE ME BACK MY BELT! Come on, Ron!" Yeah, he REALLY called him Ron - that's why it's funny! Even if it IS still what some folks call "a Dusty finish." Before Mysterio forks over the belt, DEAN MALENKO has sauntered out to do his Iceman bit. Jericho calls him "Stinko Malenko," and goes on to propose that Malenko and Mysterio fight tonight for a shot at the title. Since M&M are idiots, they both okay it. Dillon says okay. So that's FOUR matches that didn't exist before this show started...hmmm...I hope they don't have to bump any SCHEDULED, ANNOUNCED matches!

Gene O narrates the Starburst Fruit Chews Pin on a Map road report - this week, THUNDER! emanates from Oakland, Cali - even though it's mere miles away from this computer, I'm gonna take the passarooney. HOWEVER, if WCW really wants to win me over, I'll graciously accept an all access pass to the event - I'll even show up and stay out of the way!

That's three quarter hours - one match actually fought, four matches scheduled. Hey, look! It's the Nitro Girls! And their outfits are all SHINY!

Let's look at a crappy Nitro Party. Remember, they only show the GOOD ones - the ones that WIN! Can you IMAGINE what the bad ones must be like? Oh yeah, drink Mug, the foam goes straight to your brain, blah blah blah.

The Treacherous Three talk about Hennig/Goldberg, later tonight, also Hall/Hogan, later tonight, Eric Bischoff special referee, and now Let Us Take You Back to Monday Nitro, 15 June, where NWO Hollywood invaded the cage to take apart Randy Savage's knee. Randy Savage - hmmm, I wondered what happened to that guy.

Why do they bring this up now? Well, because it's time for HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN (with 2x4 and flag) v. RICK FULLER (no music, no entrance) - and if you don't see a connection, you just haven't been watching Nitro long enough. Duggan's best offensive move in this match is to get out of the way of a second rope splash by Fuller. Finisher is Duggan's choice for THIS year's Worst Move of the Year - the Old Glory kneedrop. (1:49) I suppose it could be worse - it could have gotten more time than Horace/Barbarian...

Get wired at www.wcwwrestling.com! Or, just poke yourself in the eye with a sharp stick!

The FIREWORKS! and the TV-PG-DV box signify the second hour (I only have 54 after, but close enough if RAW starts in three minutes, eh?) Schiavone runs down all the exciting, just made matches that will take place tonight.

The Treacherous Three talk about the exciting hour that's just taken place, and then Let Us Take You Back to Nitro, where BUFF BAGWELL made his return. THIS is what they use to combat the beginning of RAW? I mean, it was a nice segment, but it's a damn rerun! A rerun, I say! Clips of Bagwell leaving the limo, Bagwell talking about not appearing on NWO Late Hour no matter WHAT Steiner or Bischoff say, Bagwell blatantly sucking up to Atlanta, then his mother, hey I gave them props LAST week so don't complain about me bashing it this week.

Now to REALLY pile it on, Gene O brings out BUFF BAGWELL, who is being wheeled by DR. MICHAEL SAPELLA (sp?) this week. Okerlund asks about Bagwell's allegiances to NWO/WCW. Bagwell says he needs to first get rehabilitated, then what he needs to do is face the man who did this to him - RICK STEINER. Out he comes, in a cast. I get cynical and think Buff's going to get up and waffle him, but before I can think about that, out comes YOU KNOW WHO and DISCIPLE. Hogan: "You know something - the one thing I hate more than a couple cowards is a couple cripples, so the best thing for you to do, Hound Dog, is to stay back. Hold on brother [to Buff], you don't need to do nothing except what I tell you. Now, when you joined NWO, this black'n'white thing was for life, brother. When you joined the black'n'white NWO, I taught you how to be a man, so why don't you start acting like one. Wait a minute, little Buffy - all the babyface crap I've been hearing out here - instead of Buff Bagwell, maybe it should be Cream Puff Bagwell and by the way, I'm tired of looking at you, and you make me sick" and then he pushes over the wheelchair. Geez, doesn't Hogan have ENOUGH on his plate already? Or maybe he wants a feud he can win... well, anyway, this will go down as another "get off my chest" interview that we never hear the end of - goes with DDP joining the Wolfpack, Hart telling us why he helped Hogan beat Savage for the title - oh, you don't like it when I bring that stuff up? Sorry.

Hey, let's have a Goldberg T-shirt ad EVERY HOUR!

Let Us Take You Back to last night's payperview and Television Title bout between Bret Hart and Booker T, which was actually pretty darn good until Hart decided the TV title was a worthless hunk of tin, and got himself disqualified with the judicious use of a chair, followed by a ringpost figure four. Stevie Ray didn't exactly come to his brother's aid, so much as sauntered out and watched.

FIT FINLEY v. BRET HART - Tenay runs down the major knee injuries that Booker T has - he'll be out four to six weeks (but apparently get to hold onto the title). Hart comes out to the NWO theme but isn't wearing a NWO shirt. I'm thinking this could FINALLY be a good match tonight! Lockup, to the ropes, break. Lockup, Finley with a side headlock. Commentators talk about other matches. To the corner and Hart is using closed fists, and choking. Well, so much for this match. Hart runs Finley's face across the top rope. Headbutts by Hart. Rake of the eyes. Finley finally returns with an eyepoke. European uppercut and Hart goes down. Schiavone talks about Hogan's new low while Finley gets a 2 count. To the corner and FINLEY is choking away. Big punch. Short clothesline by Finley. Kneedrop. Finley's stompin'! Now both men are out and Finley is brawlin' like a good Irish guy. Or so I've heard. Hart turns the tide with a Golotta and introduces Finley's head to a myriad of STEEL objects. Hart drops Finley's back across the knee - Head to the ... lower abdomen. Vicious European uppercut by Hart - Finley fires back. Now it's Finley with a slam, an elbowdrop, and a chinlock. "We want Flair" chant is heard. Hart is running his own head into Finley's gut. Irish whip, but Finley sticks a foot up as Hart follows. Another short clothesline by the Bruiser for 2. Whip, reversal, atomic drop by Hart, lariat by Hart. Hart's going for the Scorpion Deathlock but Finley gets to the ropes - Hart pulls him back out and cinches it in. Finley - TAPS OUT?!? (4:28) Sigh. Fir Finley is now in the "Renegade" class of former television champions.

This week WCW hits Reno, Oaktown for THUNDER!, Sacramento, and Spokane. I guess they cancelled the Stockton show? Or is it sold out?

By the way, if you watch WorldWide (and who doesn't?) in the Bay Area, you got to see Lee Marshall hype the Oakland show by interviewing Konnan - apparently, his Uncle Chewie will be in the parking lot getting us good seats! The funniest thing I've ever seen K-Dawg do (which isn't much!)

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! Well, four (eight) of them.

Mug Root Beer thing - send in your Nitro Party tapes. Tony botches the Mug slogan by saying "the foam goes right to your brain!"

STEVIE RAY (with TV title belt) v. RICK MARTEL (with fat knee brace) - hey, Martel's back! Along with that groovy music! Oh yeah, Stevie Ray has his brotha's belt. Now can you dig it? Commentators can't even figure out that it's the TV title - damn they are stupid. For an encore, Zbyszko manages to remind us that HE was a former Television Title holder - yeah, you bastard, you beat my hero Steve Regal. Martel hasn't been around a while, so I'll forgive him for making those "I want da belt" hand motions as if this were really a TV title match. This match is basically Stevie putting the hurt on Martel, then Martel coming back when logic is furthest away. Commentators give up on trying to figure out if it's the TV title and talk about the NWO instead. While both men are on the outside, we take an ad break. Why not?

When we come back, Martel is on his back and Stevie Ray is walking around. Whip, sunset flip attempt succeeds, 1, 2, no. Now it's Martel with a sceond wind. Dropkick for 2. Arm wringer, with some knees to the arm for good measure. Zbyszko says that Stevie's unhappy that Booker T is "hanging out with 'the man.'" Martel continues to work on the arm. Crowd isn't exactly digging this, if you catch my drift. Armbar type manoeuvre. Crowd is actually pleading for a "Brawl for All" match now. Stevie with a forward slam to break up the Martel sequence, but misses an elbow. Back body drop by Martel. Elbow for 2. Whip into the corner, but Martel eats an elbow, then a boot. Ray makes the "it's over" hand signal. Pickup, go behind, belly-to-back suplex by Martel. Time for the Quebec Crab, but here's BRET HART with a chair - and a shot to the head of Martel. Of course, referee "Blind" Mickey Jay completely missed it. Stevie Ray applies the slapjack. 1, 2, 3. (8:58)

Gene O interviews Stevie Ray. "What's the deal with you and Bret Hart?" "There is no deal. My brother is in the hospital recovering from injuries he received last night...My brother gave me power of attorney to defend the belt against anybody." So Stevie Ray is apparently the World Television champion. When Okerlund presses him to supply documentation, Stevie says that he doesn't have it this week, maybe next week.

The Money Store (and Jim Palmer!) underwrite tonight's closed captioning.

THUNDER! ad. When they show clips from last week, do you think they actually realise they're showing another awful table shot where the table doesn't break?

Let Us Take You Back to last night's superspectacular, where Disco Inferno and Konnan had a bonus match. Match ended when Lex Luger put Alex Wright in a Torture Rack. Or something.

Why do we show you these highlights? Well, because the next match is

BARRY "I'LL BREAK HIS STINKIN' ARM" DARSOW v. KONNAN (with Muta - err, Sting) - Bobby Heenan is out, WHY does he turn into Ed McMahon when the Wolfpack theme is playing? Oh boy, a FRESH perspective on tonight's main events with Heenan here! Konnan wants to speak on dis - so let's get that call and response thing out of the way. Sting says "Bowdy bowdy" instead of Konnan. Match is all Darsow at the start - take a drink every time he says "stinkin'." Clothesline for 2. I guess tonight we find out if Konnan is REALLY in the doghouse if Darsow wins - oops, missed in the corner. Konnan with a somersault into a clothesline. Seated dropkick. Kick/flapjack combo - Tequila Sunrise. He's just like Bret Hart with his OWN Five Moves of Death(tm). Submission victory for Uncle Chewie's nephew. (2:00)

The WCW Power Plant is the Harvard...no, I won't say it. Nope.

Gene O is in the ring and says the crowd is "literally hanging from the rafters." Hmmm, he hasn't said "shank of the evening yet." Out comes DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE, in his new outfit (with shiny jeans!) and walking through the crowd. "Hollywood 'Scum' Hogan's shadow, his boy, the Disciple, is crying cause I hit him in the coconut and laid him for 47 stitches in the head...pfft...I got stitches all over my face, I've been thrown through video walls, I've been hit with crutches, I've been hit with a kitchen sink, oh yeah, and chairs, and I'm not crying." Upshot is that he accepts the match. Hey, let's do it now!

BOOTY DISCIPLE v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE - the problem with Disciple is, when he takes off his sunglasses, he looks like Brutus Beefcake. It's all Page until the cheatin' starts - Disciple with a Golotta. Choke on the rope. Big choke in the corner. "DDP" chant is moderate. Double thrust to the throat. Hairpull to a face in the corner. Oh look, Page's ribs are taped, that's new. DISMAL piledriver by the Disciple. And now RICK RUDE is out. Page with a jawbreaker. Page climbin' the ropes - and Rude crotches him. Rude is up on the apron - this of course, means, that Page manages to shake off Disciple and run him into Rude, to a schoolboy for the pin (2:25). Is Page bleeding? Everyone's disappointed that there was no diamond cutter. Page walks out through the crowd - until YOU KNOW WHO and VINCENZO paste Page with a chair and leave him laying. Hey, you think Page and Hogan - you know - still have issues?

The Awesome 3 still have some exciting upcoming matches to talk about! But first, Hogan is so dangerous because he doesn't have his title. Oh boy, he's dangerous. Uh huh. Yup. Dangerous. Hogan. Tenay points out how much Hogan's been all over my television tonight - I hope that means that the ratings are sucking right now.

KANYON v. - well, I don't know. RAVEN atatcks from behind, but then SATURN attacks from behind THAT. Apparently, this is a triangle match - well, I hope they can squeeze it in in two minutes! Raven and Saturn make it to the ring first, nice suplex by Saturn. Punches by Saturn until Kanyon is in and Saturn is in a spinning neckbreaker. Saturn's on Raven until Kanyon's up - then THEY trade blows while Raven sits back and smiles. Saturn wins their exchange, but before he can turn to Raven, Kanyon is back up. Tenay calls Kanyon "the innovator of offense" again, even though we've seen that damn fireman's carry into a flapjack in every SINGLE Kanyon match for the past month. Saturn clotheslines Kanyon and they both are out of the ring. Saturn pushes aside the STEEL steps and finds a table under the ring (Heenan calls it a "chair" to piss off Tony. Ha!) Kanyon is placed on the table -let's see if Saturn can break it this week - plancha! Yes! Table is broken! Raven motions to LODI, who has appeared from nowhere, and he puts Saturn in the ring. Into the corner, Saturn fights off a superplex attempt, but before he can dive, Kanyon crotches him. Now both Kanyon and Saturn are on differen corners. Kanyon misses - Saturn hits a splash. 1, 2, Kanyon makes the save. Kanyon drops Saturn on top in a corner - Raven is under - double superplex! Raven covers Kanyon - 1, 2, no - Raven covers Saturn - 1, 2, no. Kanyon hits the Flatliner on Raven, but Saturn dropkicks Kanyon's head to make the save. Well, we all know Raven's gonna win, right? Spicolli driver on Raven! 1, 2, Saturn is pulled away by Kanyon! Oh no, referee "Blind" Billy Silverman is counting - is this a no-"no countouts" match? Apparently so. Raven wins the match (COR 5:42) and Kanyon and Saturn brawl back to the commentators, and then on.

Promotional consideration paid for by David sunflower seeds, Motel 6 7/8, Hot Pockets, and (We're Not AOL) Compu$erve.

Here's a switch - the third hour starts EXACTLY on time! Oh, it's rated TV-PG-DV. Tonight we'll have some matches. I heard something about them earlier. FIREWORKS!

Let Us Take You Back To Earlier Tonight, where Chris Jericho once again proves that he's Mr. Loophole, getting his belt back, and coercing Dean Malenko and Rey Mysterio Jr. into a #1 Contender's Match.

FLYING FURY REY MYSTERIO JR. v. DEAN MALENKO in a #1 Cruiserweight Contender's Match - They shake hands to start - that's nice. Wow, THIS is actually great stuff - good 'n' fast, lots of counters and switches, there's no way I can keep up with a play-by-play, so I just sat back and watched - and for five minutes, I got a clinic. Even the missed spot (Mysterio was supposed to leap and land on the top rope, but slipped and fell over instead) was integrated into the match like it was SUPPOSED to happen. Five minutes of wrestling bliss! Then, CHRIS JERICHO came out, nailed Malenko from behind with the belt and ran away. Mickey Jay missed it, as he was tending to Mysterio, who was the victim of a supergutbuster. Mysterio, also unaware of the shenanigans, covered for the pin. Damn you, WCW. (5:32)

DISCO INFERNO & TANZEN ALEX WRIGHT v. KEVIN NASH & THE NARCISSIST (with Konnan and the Stinger) - Disco's whahnin' 'bout his loss at last night's fantastic payperview, and does a fair bit of rhyming to boot. We are spared another Wolfpack interview - wait, I spake too soon. Nash: "Las Vegas Nevada - (is his voice gone?) - Wolfpack in the howwwwwwwwwwwwwse!" I wonder if they can manage to squeeze this into two minutes. Disco and Luger start. Luger with the big pec flex. Tag to Alex Wright. Thirty seconds gone. Lockup, armdrag by Wright. Luger with a big reversal. Wright with a triple kipup and an armdrag (wow!). Wright's tanzen. Luger with a big lariat and a big hiptoss in response. Big - well, it resembles a back body drop. Disco comes in, Lex takes 'em both out and poses again. After a consultation on the outside, Konnan decides to get involved, attacking Disco from behind - so Wright attacks Konnan from behind. He does pretty well, even knocking off his visor. Until Konnan whips Wright into a barricade, then Sting gives him a Stinger splash (hey, the Sting *I* knew would never do that!) Meanwhile, Nash is in - big boot to the face. Crowd is nuts, of course. Luger has Wright in the big Rack - Nash with the jackknife powerbomb on Disco - referee "Blind" Charles Robinson immediately disqualifies the Wolfpack and the dancers win! The dancers win! The dancers win! No, actually, Robinson forgets about powerbombs being illegal and counts the pinfall. (2:36) Wolfpack wins, crowd digs it, Sting and Konnan are all smiles. God, I hate this show sometimes.

Let us take you back to THUNDER! where Steve McMichael prattles on about Arn Anderson, then takes us back to a Fall Brawl interview where Arn buries Ric Flair. Boy, Gene O's really aged well, hasn't he? That was sarcasm. McMichael talks about fire and the Horsemen and Arn and NOT Ric Flair. Suck suck suck suck suck.

EDDIE GUERRERO (with hair) v. STEVE "MONGO" McMICHAEL (with four fingers) - Commentators try to hype the Encore presentation by bringing up how Chavo shaved himself - whatever. Eddie immediately starts off with a great dropkick and doesn't let up. Kick, kick, choke, measured kicks, body attacks, dropkick to the back. Eyepoke. Whip, clothesline, step on the face. Whip, reverse, McMichael comes back with a slam. Tony interrupts his commentary to tell us that he has an injury update on Diamond Dallas Page - and that is, that there is no update. Meanwhile, Mongo with a big suplex, and a football clip. Oh boy, here comes PSYCHO CHAVO BALDO DOMO, in cowboy hat and riding Pepe - so I guess he's trying to become - giggle titter - a HORSEMAN! Nick Patrick is calling for the bell, but doesn't get it for a good fifteen or twenty seconds (DQ 2:11ish) - Eddie dropkicks Chavo into Mongo, who turns around, beats up Chavo and spikes him with a Tombstone, then leaves. Apparently, Mongo won that match. Okay...

Road Wild is 8 August! And man, Travis Tritt is gonna be there! 'Cause when you think Hogs and ridin', man, you're thinkin' COUNTRY MUSIC!

Well, we've got a half hour left - time for those big matches, isn't it? Why, yes! Let Us Take You Back To Earlier Tonight - when Hogan gives the "you dropped the ball" speech to Hall and requests the pleasure of his company at a match later tonight.

MICHAEL BUFFER is wearing a coat that would look GREAT if I could huk a Cherry Slurpee at it - you know, if they hadn't signed these two matches, what would Buffer have introduced? Horace/Barbarian? The Special Referee is introduced, which means we get to hear that groovy "NWO Monday Nitro" theme one more time (they're amortizing the cost! Yahoo!) I smell reheated Voodoo chili, which is weird, because this is the first time I can recall in a LONG time that they've played the Hendrix cut twice in a night. Bischoff's wearing a Hogan shirt, by the way, which would align him with Bret Hart. Hey, now that I think about it, Bret Hart wasn't out with black'n'white earlier tonight either, was he? Hogan is again accompanied by the Disciple, while Hall comes out alone. This would be a great time for an ad break, but I haven't called anything ELSE correctly tonight, so let's get it started!

YOU KNOW WHO (with Disciple) v. SCOTT HALL - we start with the prerequisite toothpick shot - one for Hogan, one for Bischoff. Lockup - no, Hogan with a kick, shot to the face, rack of the back, stuff of the mouth with the doorag. Hall bites his fingers and that breaks that up. Heenan pisses off Tony by asking about biting. Lockup, Hall in control, now he's barring the arm. Hogan powers Hall to the ground. "Hogan sucks" chant is with vim and vigor. Lockup, Hogan with the wristlock, Hall reverses. Hall tries to muss up Hogan's hair but he doesn't have any. Arm wringer by Hall, but Hogan with a lariat and down he goes. Hogan with a double thrust, then a shot to the throat. Punches in bunches, and Bischoff fails to chastise Hogan for the closed fists. Hogan musses up Hall's hair. Head to the turnbuckle. Irish whip and Hogan follows with a clothesline. Hogan with a punch to the face and a rake of the face. Hall fires back. Hall off the ropes, but the Disciple hits him from behind. Commentators are livid, saying Bischoff has picked sides - like it matters to them, come on. Hogan with a clothesline, punch, an ATOMIC DROP?!?! (Hogan's aresenal!) and an inside cradle - Hall grabs the bottom rope but Bischoff STILL has a two count. Disciple chokes Hall while Hogan and Bischoff trade stares. To the corner, Hall stops and reverses, driving Hogan's head into the turnbuckle. To the other corner, it's all Hall now, despite Bischoff's attempts at verbally restraining Hall. Fallaway slam by Hall and a cover - Bischoff paces around and doesn't count. Now Hall is up and shoving Bischoff - Hogan is behind with a sleeper - make that a choke. Arm falls only twice, to Bischoff's consternation. Hall manages to go behind, whip Hogan, and put on a sleeper of his own - Bischoff is quick to break it up. Again Hall turns to Bischoff - and Hogan hits a Golotta, which Bischoff ignores. Heenan comes around: "You know Tony, I think he's one-sided." Hogan with a boot to the 'nads. Rake of the face by Hogan. Punch to the eyes. Whip, big boot. Is it almost over? Hogan cups his hand to his ear - oh boy, here's DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE to confuse us some more. Punch to Hogan and a spinning lariat - down goes the Disciple - Diamond Cutter for Bischoff! Now Hogan and Disciple have come around and are doubleteaming Page - well, now here's KEVIN NASH, who takes out Hogan and the Disciple, trades the Wolfpack sign with Hall (! - crowd goes nuts!) and sets up Hogan for the jackknife - but then Hall crowns Nash from behind (WTF?) - now we need a scorecard. Hogan and Disciple are back on Page, and Hall and Nash are fighting. Hogan with the Leg Drop of Doom on Page, another legdrop for Page. VINCENZO is out for no good reason. Hall with a whip of Nash and a follow clothesline. Hall is paintbrushing Nash's hair, now he's crotch-chopping (oh no!) - NOW we take an ad break. Hmm, let's call it (no contest 8:38).

When we come back, let's have some replays - Nash runs in and saves Page. Okay. Nash and Hall do the Wolfpack thing. Too sweet! Nash has Hogan in the jackknife position - no, Hall's screwing him again! Now, what we missed during the break - Hogan and Hall, EMBRACING. Well, I didn't NEED to see that. Besides, does it really explain ANYTHING?

Michael Buffer does that thing he does with the thing. By my watch, we've got seven minutes to the hour - which begs the question: What could they possibly do with those other six minutes? Wellll, Hennig's entrance takes 1:46, Goldberg's entrance - let's save it for below. Hey, you know what that "Goldberg" chant reminds me of? Remember how WWF fans would try to piss of IRS by chanting "Irwin....Irwin...?" That's it exactly.

#1 CONTENDER CURTRICK HENNIGRUDE (without Rick Rude) v. (bill "112-0") GOLDBERG for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship - Let's see - they actually made a GOLDBERG nameplate for the belt - I bet he holds on to it tonight. Staredown. Hennig talks trash, then slaps Goldberg. 'berg roars. Forearm shot - whip, spear, growl. You know - jackhammer - this sucks. 1, 2, 3. (entrance 3:13, match 1:22)

Not that you asked, but sometimes I think I'd rather be outside watching the stars...

CRZ
[slash] wrestling