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/9 November 1998

WCW Nitro




TV-PG-DV as the national anthem plays, Tony Schiavone announces that tonight on Nitro, Hollywood Hogan will announce his candidacy for the office of President of these United States. These pictures remind me of 2am at the local UHF station for some reason. I won't EVEN start in with reminding you of Mr. Bob Backlund, because I'm ALREADY developing a headache, and I know that three hours of Nitro isn't going to help.

LIVE from the Nassau Colesium in Uniondale, Long Island, NY, it's WCW Monday Nitro (A New Hope)! Why is Tony so proud to be an American if he's spent so long hating Hollywood Hogan? Damn it's too early for logic. Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay and thelivinglegend Larry "Please validate me" Zbyszko. Tony announces that THE president will appear on tonight's show. I will go on record RIGHT NOW and say that if William Jefferson Clinton shows up tonight, I will quit writing Nitro Recaps. I will. My gut instinct: Buff in a mask, again.

Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls!

Back at the "loading docks," GENE O. works tonight! He's with BOBBY HEENAN and they're waiting for the President. Two limos pull up, but neither contains the President. Instead there's an NWO limo, and an NWO Wolfpack limo. We see KEVIN NASH beat on SCOTT HALL, and GIANT beat on KONNAN. Har, har! Nash put Hall in a dumpster! Let's take an ad break QUICK!

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, You Don't Know Jack: Tabletop Version, Jim Palmer's house of mortgages, the CLUB, WCW Bashin' Brawlers ("Heygetoffmy - NOSE!"), and Tiger SportsFeel electronic games.

WCW MasterCard spot.

Opening credits, which I hereby dub "eight minutes into the show credits" this week.

As we look out at the crowd, we learn that Bret Hart is a Dangerous Man. This leads into a clipfest from last week - Bret Hart beats on Chris Benoit, trying to injure his arm. Later in the show, we see Hart try to avoid Lex Luger, and Giant save him. Then we see Luger and Giant fighting, Luger in control, and Hart running out with a piece of safety railing to take out Luger's leg. Hart's proven what a mean, nasty, awful person he is. Yup.

Crowd chants "Larry" again because they're stupid. The Treacherous Three - err, Two - talk about Hart some more as we see

Let Us Take You Back to Halloween Havoc as Bret Hart destroys Sting with his own baseball bat - that was pretty cool. Bret Hart is pretty cool. MUCH cooler than those namby pamby pansies he keeps taking out. Yeah, ESPECIALLY Chris Benoit.

KAZ HAYASHIRYU v. NEVER SURRENDER JUVENTUD GUERRERA - Hayashi's graphic says "WITH SONNY ONOO" but I thought they had a falling out? Like a MONTH ago? Ah, who knows. This match has potential, don't it. If they hurry, they can start it in the first quarter hour! Staredown. Kaz slaps him so the audience knows who to boo, back and forth we go, reverse, duck, reverse, standing switch, elbows by Kaz, whoops, too much action, let's go to the commentary table where CRACKA EAZY-E is out to promise "the President will be here tonight! No one out there is gonna wanna miss a minute of it!" Back to the ring we go and Juvi's in control. Chop (woooo!). Is the crowd chanting "asshole?" Hey, that's not McMahon out there. Juvi drops Kaz' neck across the top rope. To the top, Kaz hits a dropkick on the way down and Juvi rolls out. Kaz goes out - whip into the safety railing. Back in we go. Now THAT'S a chop (woooo!). Kaz pushes Juvi through the ropes to the apron and bends him backwards. Here's a whip and Kaz kicks him through the ropes to the floor. No hands tope (!) from Hayashi and both men are out on the floor. Back in we go, knee to the gut, whip, reverse, Kaz steps aside and Juvi misses the splash. Kaz runs at him but hits the boots. Another reversal as Hayashi hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Dropkick to the abs as Juvi is on all fours. Hayashi poses and looks cool - probably giving a shout out to Kaientai there. Hayashi picks upGuerrera, whip, knee to the gut and Juvi flips. Running somersault (senton!) looks nice. Submission hold I have no name for. Chop (woooo!), Juvi chops back (woooo!), repeat. These are DAMN loud knife edges here. Hayashi takes him into the corner and puts the boots to him. Standing on the neck. COMMERCIAL BREAK? You suck, WCW!

When we come back, a whip is reversed and there's a counter, and Juvi hits the high kick. Flying head scissors by Guerrera! He's outside the ring, springboard plancha! Juvi recovers first and whips him into the safety rail. The word "suck," spoken by a fan, is muted. Also, the fascist Sign Police are in full effect tonight, to the point of distraction. Back in the ring we go. Whip, reverse, over the back, lariat by Hayashi. Kaz slaps him in the face. I wonder what that sign said. Juvi with the surprise rollup for 2. Hayashi quickly back on him. Vertical brainbuster-type suplex for 2 by Hayashi. Whip, Juvi blocks (I think) whatever it was. He puts him in the Drago Sleeper, but lifts him over his head and drapes him over the top rope. Standing switch, over the top, on his feet, gutshot, picks him up, over we go, counter, rollup, 1, 2, rollover, 1, 2, no! Everyone's standing - shit, CAT is out to fuck up this match. Hayashi places Guerrera on the top rope - no superplex - Guerrera counters somehow (we're watching Cat and SONNY ONNO), flying headscissors by Guerrera. Juvi Driver attempt is blocked, something is muted. Hayashi tries another rollup - but Cat is on the apron so referee "Blind" Charles Robinson ignores the count and walks over to take care of him. Meanwhile, Sonny Onoo gets in the ring and delivers "El kick de el head." Hayashi falls like a ton of bricks, Juventud covers (having somehow not noticed what's happened) and Robinson counts the pin. (12:33) Replay is sponsored by Hasbro Interactive's Glover (Gotta love the glove).

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! Can you feel it? Yeah, I'm feeling somethin'. Rage, anger, impatience, headache...

PLEASE send your Nitro party tapes so they can show them and make fun of you! Although this contest is no longer sponsored by Mug Root Beer, I feel that I must point out that nonetheless, The Foam Goes Straight To Your Brain.

Extended Monday Nitro Party Call for Tapes promo. Mean Gene and the Nitro Girls will come to YOUR house! Oh sure they will! Uh huh! Trust me!

This portion of the WCW Monday Nitro Recap is brought to you by 1-800-COLLECT - the EASY way to save!

WCW/NWO Superstars Series presents "Sting Unmasked" and "the Man Behind the Madness, the Macho Man Randy Savage." Sting looks OLD without that makeup, don't he? I saw these in my local Sam Goody's (Goody Got It) where they were $14.95 - sounds a little high to me. Of course, WCW mail order wants 20 bones, so who knows WHAT people would pay for these tapes.

I've gone THREE weeks without making a reference to "CHiPs '99," so let's break that right now. That movie RULED, yes it did, but it certainly isn't good enough for TNT to run it EVERY day for the next month! And hell, go ahead and put Worf in it, he'd probably do it for cheaps if only you'd ASK him, INVITE him! And whatever happened to the geek who ran the motor pool? That guy kicked ass! And where was Rosie Greer? Hell, he was probably helping Juice look for the real killers. That's enough.

Local insert ad has Dok Hendrix hyping the 22 November WWF house show at the San Jose Arena - it'll end JUST in time for you to go home and watch World War 3, trust me.

Let Us Take You Back Two Weeks, where Hall manages to trick Nash one more time, even though the ONLY place the Giant could have been is in plain sight to Nash and Okerlund. Nash is run through a wall. Check, please!

ACHTUNG ACHTUNG HIER IST ALEX WRIGHT v. THE GREATEST WRESTLER ALIVE, BARRY HOROWITZ (no entrance) - Horowitz is wearing his WWF Star of David trunks, good for him. Goldberg SAYS he wants to do it, but Horowitz is walkin' the walk, baby. Before the match starts, Wright gets ring announcers DAVID PINZER (I'll spell his name right from now on, I promise) in on the act as he announces that Wright would like complete silence in order to help his total concentration (camp) (aw shit). Lockup, side headlock by Horowitz, Wright powers out, shoulderblock by Barry, over we go, leapfrog, monkeyflip and Wright poses. He turns to meet a hiptoss. Another hiptoss by my man Horowitz. Kick to the gut, another, Right hand, European uppercut, whip, Horowitz runs into an elbow, then a lariat. Horowitz stomped on. Horowitz eats a European uppercut, then a chop (woooo!), whip is reversed, but Horowitz gets caught in a drop toehold onto the rope. Horowitz placed on the top rope and now he's absorbing lots of kicks. Horiwtz comes back with a punch and an eyepoke, but the advantage doesn't last long as he's punched. Whip off the ropes - CROSSBODY! 1, 2, no. "Secret service men" appear around the ring. Goody goody. Head to Horowitz' gut. Leg lariat and Horowitz is covered for 2. Horowitz pulled up, head to the turnbuckle. Horowitz thrown out of the ring. Horowitz screams in pain from a doubleaxehandle. Horowitz slammed to the canvas. The Wolfpack howl comes out over the PA for no reason - oh, wait, here's KEVIN NASH, KONNAN, and THE TOTAL WOLFPACKAGE come out to make sure my man, THE MAN, Barry Horowitz doesn't suffer the defeat. Nash helps Horowitz up - my God, he's going to RECRUIT HOROWITZ INTO THE WOLFPACK! Oh no, he's just helping him to leave the ring. That other guy (Wright) turned his tail and ran as soon as he heard the music. You know, I don't exactly know what the point is of having the NWO Wolfpack come out and cause a no contest (oh let's call it - 3:00), and I don't know why Konnan is wearing such a goofy outfit while Nash is stylin' in the ultra-cool hockey jersey, and I don't exactly know what Lex Luger, Konnan, and Nash have in common that they would be running in the same clique, those all are a lot of things that I do not know, but there is one thing I DO know, and that one thing is this: the Wolfpack is most definitely in the house. Konnan, thankfully, doesn't ask us to say "Uhhh." Nash says the 'Pack wants a match, and he specifically wants Hall. Luger says he specifically wants Hart. Konnan doesn't care, 'cause he's bowdy boutit and rowdy rowdy, and while he gives a shout of to Sting, he doesn't give one to Savage. What's up with THAT? Go to hell, Konnan. Anyway, to make this segment even BETTER, our good friend CRACKA EAZY-E is out (damn his haircut sucks rocks on a stick). Bischoff promises that the Wolfpack will get the black-n-white tonight. Nash calls Bischoff "Estrogen boy" several times, which doesn't make any sense to me but sounds cool enough. I guess. Ah hell, I don't know. We've had 1.5 matches in 45 minutes here.

Closed captioning brought to you via Western Union STOP

Lee Marshall narrates the Snickers Pin on a Map Road Report. Mosey on yonder to Wichita, KS for next week's Nitro!

On sale announcement! Friday the 13th, you can first buy tix for Charlotte for THUNDER!, Washington DC for Starrcade, Baltimore for Nitro and Philadelphia for nothing special. Also, tickets start on Saturday for the next show in Uniondale!

LODI v. SCOTT NORTON (with Vincenzo) - well, let's look at Lodi's signs, at least that might be amusing. "PUSH LODI NOW!" okay. "OR NO MORE SIGNS!" Oh no! "NO MORE JOBS IN 1998!" Oh my God! Lodi's your next IWGP Champion! "ONLY THING WORSE THAN RANGERS? ISLANDERS" Well, that's a little local flava. "YANKEES GOT LUCKY" Okay, Lodi, you're a heel, we get it. Hey Lodi, it doesn't work when you're WCW and your opponent is NWO. Vincent is carrying the title as opposed to Norton wearing it - hopefully, that'll keep the Japan brass off his back. This match? IT WAS THE PRETZELS! (powerbomb :20) Hell, the replays go longer than the fuckin' match.

Tony Schiavone is in the ring (Okerlund still in the loading docks, I guess) and calls out - oh Lord no, why, why, why? - BOOTY DISCIPLE. Coming up tonight, Hollywood runs for president, and we see THE president, sure, sure. Is the crowd chanting "Beefcake?" Disciple says he's his own man, no longer in line behind Hollywood ("Yes Warrior? I'll be right there!"), anyway, after a short interlude, out come HORACE HOGAN, STEVIE RAY and VINCENZO. Horace calls the audience folk "pukes" and says a lot of other, less interesting words. I think Bruteye should lose the beard. Horace tells him he shouldn't have turned his back on Hollywood, and that he (Horace) is really cool and ugly and ... huh? Anyway, Disciple tells them to beat it, so Horace beats him instead. Weightbelt fun ensues as Horace does the cool choke thing. Finally, Disciple turns the tide with a flying jalapeno and as he punches away on Horace, Vincent comes in. Now Disciple is doing okay with BOTH men, so Stevie Ray comes in and the tripleteam is on and working ok. So some music fires up - oh yeah, it's MR. DESTRUCITY - no raincoat, running to the ring, double clotheslin, big toss of Stevie Ray over the rope, boot to the midsection for Vincent. He's got an OWN shirt (PLEASE buy one!) and the music fires up again to cover any lack of audience reaction. Shirt stuffed in Horace's mouth, he whips him off the ropes - and we cut to an ad break? Hell, they must have been rioting or something to cut it off THIS early.

Almost exactly on time, it's time for the SECOND BIG HOUR OF NITRO! (The Empire Strikes Back) Stay tuned for THE PRESIDENT! Konnan against Bret Hart! Giant and Scott Hall against Lex Luger and Kevin Nash! (Huh? Didn't LUGER want Bret Hart?) Let's go outside to Gene!

Is this live I wonder? Gene and Bobby are waiting for the Prez. Outside, we see a "motorcade" driving up - lots of chaps in black with sunglasses (at night? Is Corey Hart back there?) Meanwhile, Gene and Bobby are escorted away from the "restricted area." Okerlund tries to challenge the guy who's ordering him around but the guy's just being a dick and not offering up any proof that he should be listened to. Kick his ass, Mean Gene! We cut back to the Treacherous Three who don't know what to talk about. One more cut to the back and we see a swarm of people being dicks to the camera guy, we don't see who's in the middle of that crowd, though. Shit, I need some painkillers. Tony's convinced it's the President, Larry says he wants to see him first.

"Hail to the Chief" is played. Tony says he's really excited, except he doesn't SOUND terribly excited. Finally, a figure appears, and I guess it should come as no surprise to ANYONE that it's YOU KNOW WHO, complete with boa and ugly sunglasses and ugly hat - hey, he DOES think he's Jesse Ventura! A huge American flag unfurls, confetti falls, balloons (red, white and blue) fall from the ceiling. I would give ANYTHING for Bob Backlund to run out and kick his ass RIGHT NOW. Okerlund has made his way to the ring and asks Hogan what's up. Hogan congratulates Jesse "the Mind" Ventura several times (hmm, *I* haven't even done that yet - Congratulations, Minnesota!) Hogan yammers, Bischoff yammers, Hogan yammers some more, I am going to DIE. This is such a fucking colossal waste of my time. At any rate, Hogan proves what a politician he is by saying "I don't smoke" despite the fact that reps from Cigar Aficiando is in the building working on a profile of Hogan.

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! Doing what they do best - SHOPPING!

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! What better thing to follow up such a special video look than a special live exhibition of ... of ... dancing?

Here's some clips from Konnan's Music Video to ensure we have another opening quarter hour with no wrestling.

World War 3 ad.

WCW/NWO Revenge ad.

BRET HART continues the nonstop cavalcade of interviews, recaps, Nitro Girl dance sequences and advertisements by coming out to make some noise. He tells Lex Luger that he's lucky he got away with his life - Sting is out ("Hey Sting! Get well real soon!"), Diamond Dallas Page is out ("Just FedEx that United States Championship belt back to its rightful owner"). He's through with Lex Luger, but he'll have no problem taking on Konnan tonight (oh, THAT'S why they're fighting later tonight! Maybe Tony should have held off on announcing the match, hmmm?)

Wrath's music plays but instead we watch more clips of Hart taking apart Page's knee with a chair. Then we take ANOTHER ad break.

Here's some more clips of "KONNAN'S MUSIC VIDEO" - hey, I've got a crazy idea - if you're gonna label a clip, why not use *the damn name of the damn song?*

Bobby Heenan is out. "I was the Brain, long before people had a Mind!"

EDDIE GUERRERO (with extra LWO shirt) v. REY MYSTERIO, JR. (again) - I just noticed that Rey's music samples Morris Day crying out "What Time Is It?" which ALMOST makes it cool enough for me to like, but it's just not enough anymore. The Time haven't put out an album for what, nine years? Remember when Morris Day sang "The Oak Tree?" Shouldn't we all have KNOWN he was a cocaine addict back then? I'm thinking of the Oak Tree right now - man, that was one wack dance. Eddie offers the shirt - Rey shows off his own shirt instead. Eddie again offers the shirt - Rey throws it at Eddie. Eddie runs at him but runs into a drop toehold. Rey punches away. Both men back up. Whip, reversal, quebrada attempt but Eddie catches him. Rey counters into an armdrag and Eddie slides out of the ring. Rey does that spin in the ropes move. Eddie's back in and on his knees with the Hand of Friendship(tm). "We're Raza man, we should't be (eyepoke)". Edie takes him out, whip, duck, crucifix into a headscissors, and Eddie's out of the ring again. Who will Hogan's running mate be? Hey, we don't know, so let's talk about the match! Eddie kicks away and stomps on the kneebrace. Eddie drops an elbow on the knee, again. Bridge back and almost scores a pinfall. Legdrop on the knee. Rey's under the bottom rope. Eddie wraps the knee on the ringpost. "Eddie sucks" chant comes up but "sucks" is a verboten word so the entire crowd is turned down in the truck. That's SO lame for SO many reasons. Sure, when the crowd finally gets into it you have to SUPRESS it. Powerbomb attempt, Rey rolls through, down they go, Eddie grabs the knee and WRENCHES it over. As Eddie bends the knee and works an anklelock, Rey tries to reach the rope. Eddie drives the knee to the canvas. Eddie drapes the leg off the apron, then hops over the top rope and hits the knee on the way down. Eddie has Rey in the corner, chop (woooo!), repeat. Guerrero sets him on the top - Frankensteiner! 1, 2, kickout. Rey gets a kick in, but Eddie turns to the spinning toehold - Mysterio reverses into a rollup for a near fall. Rey is making a lot of "pain" noises. Eddie wrenches the leg back again. 1, 2, shoulder up. Hard to say how the match is, since the guys in the truck are too afraid to let us hear any crowd noise. Rey still reaching for the rope and he makes it. Eddie grabs a hand, pulls him up and puts the boots to the knee. Rey fights back, springboard flying headscissors from the second reope. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker - ow! On the bad knee! Mysterio with a dropkick. Eddie hits one of his own - on the knee. Another attack on the lower leg. Somersault headbutt(tm). Eddie pushes him out of the ring, follows, and now he's moving the STEEL steps. Eddie takes his head to the canvas, then drapes the knee against the ringpost, sandwiched between the post and the steps. Then he DROPKICKS the steps! Eddie rolls Mysterio back in the ring. Eddie again wrenches the leg over, and again Rey almost has his shoulders down for three, just from the pain. Is the crowd chanting "Goldberg" or "Boring?" Everybody's standing but it must be a fight in the crowd. Eddie's checking it out, too. Whip into the corner, but Rey lifts him and he hits the post. Rey with the bronco buster - what's up with that anyway? But he crumples in the ring. Split-legged moonsault for 2, though. Eddie takes him up but Rey reverses into a facebuster. Rey with a - I dunno (Eddie's head between Rey's shoulder blades, while Rey's stretching out the arms - Rey falls to the mat). 1, 2, no. Eddie comes back with a gut-wrench suplex. Now because an eleven minute match should NEVER end with a clean finish, CHAVO GUERRERO JR. is out. While Eddie has Rey in a submission hold, Chavo has grabbed the spare LWO shirt. Eddie sees what's going on and goes to confront Chavo, which gives Mysterio a chance to push Eddie into Chavo, then roll him up - whoops, that doesn't work - well, Mysterio wraps up Eddie with La Magistral and there's your 1, 2, 3. (12:41) Now the rest of the LWO is out to put the boots to Chavo. Eddie tries to stop the rest of his men, and Mysterio pulls him out. Eddie looks unhappy - because he lost, because his guys are beating up on Raza, because he's still working for WCW? Who can say?

World War 3 is Sunday, 22 November!

Promotional consideration paid for by Electronic Hot Shot Basketball, WCW Bashin Brawlers ("You'rebustinmy - ARM!"), America (ha!) Online, Hot Pockets ToasterBreaks Pizza, and XG2 from Acclaim.

Let's Take a Special Look at Konnan's Brand New Music Video (which has no name). It's a Special Look because it isn't just a clip with a "KONNAN'S MUSIC VIDEO" slapped across it. Once you learn that the marijuana reference has been snipped out, it's easy to figure out where it was. I wish Frost would show up and take out K-Dawg's punk ass. Now HE is *Raza*, dammit! I wrote a 45 page thesis on him back when he was Kid Frost and got a B in my Ethnic Studies class. Isn't THAT interesting? You know how much Ethnic Studies helps me today in my current career? Not one damn bit. But still, Frost - now there's a Hispanic Causing Panic. After all, if he wasn't, why would he name his album that? Can't you see it now? "THIS is for La Raza," (blasting cap in Konnan's ass) Oh, it's finally over. You know, we've had four matches so far? Two have been around twelve minutes, at least...

I think that faux-Tylenol is FINALLY working. Shit, I hear the opening riffs of "NWO Monday Nitro" which means these painkillers BETTER be working. CRACKA EAZY-E is wlaking out, and there's LIZ. I hate to say it, but I think at this point in time, 9 November 1998, *Debra Freakin' McMichael* is doing a lot more for me than Miss Elizabeth is. How far have we come? We can only hope that Liz is the Vice-Presidential nominee, but somehow I doubt it. Bischoff reminds us that he's Hogan's campaign manager again, then promises that he'll still be holding the reigns of NWO and WCW. He says that Ric Flair won't be wrestling tonight because he's really old and because Bischoff sucks. He goes on to address the matter of the fines that J.J. Dillon levied last week against Buff Bagwell and Scott Steiner. Then he calls out ATTORNEY BRENT JORDAN, ATTORNEY #2 & COMPTROLLER DAVID GROOM - wow, Groom takes a shot RIGHT in the head and doesn't break his stride. Bischoff asks them about the deductions from the accounts that coincide with Dillon's fines. After they say that they did it, Bischoff does some punching and kicking and lays all three out. Umm, so what? I received two on-site reports (thank you Dan, thank you Kim!) that said a really fine lookin' babe was showin' her tits during this segment. This is about the only time all night I actually wished I was there in person. Ha!

I bitched a bit earlier in the RAW report, I want to take it all back. Four matches in two hours, one lasting twenty seconds.

THIRD HOUR FIREWORKS! (Revenge of the Jedi)

Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where J.J. Dillon levied the fines, and Scott Steiner went on a serious case of ... Rage. Then Buff and Scott, oh my God, they killed Kenny! Kaos makes the perfect partner for Rick Steiner - he's certainly stupid enough. For an encore, last Thursday on THUNDER! Scott and Buff demolished Senior Official Nick Patrick.

SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with Buff Bagwell) come out while we eavesdrop on Mickey Jay talking to David Pinzer - "this is an unsafe working environment! From now on, no WCW officials will have anything to do with that man." As Steiner gets in the ring, we see Jay defiantly standing outside the ring and (presumably) out of harm's path. Buff looks like he taped George Michael's MTV interview. Steiner does that crap he's been doing for what seems like forever, sprinkling a liberal use of the words "freaks" and "hookup" and asking the folks to holler if they hear him. Buff calls J.J. Dillon a "Burl Ives lookalike," which is kinda funny. He says they've bought their own referee, no problem. Steiner drops the name of Roddy Piper - we can only hope NOT - then asks for an opponent, please, anybody. Who's the best that WCW can come up with? That's right.

SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with Buff Bagwell) v. GENTLEMAN CHRIS ADAMS - Buff is on the floor laughing, and I can see where he's coming from, actually. You know Adams was in the first match ever airing on THUNDER! ? Also, he's NOT related to Bryan Adams! Adams gets one shot on Buff before Steiner takes out a distracted Adams. Oh, I guess there really ISN'T a referee - that's the gimmick. They lied, see. Adams tied to the Tree of Woe, then they try to hyperextend the knee just like they did with Patrick last week. Now the Steiner Recliner. Let's call it a "match" and give it (1:15) as RICK STEINER runs out, then asks Scott why he doesn't come get some. Rick says he'll put the Tag Team Titles on the line, find a partner, and make a match if Scott and Buff are up for it. They are agreeable. What, how can he POSSIBLY find a better partner than KENNY KAOS? Come to think of it, since Rick has an affinity for current jobber-types, hmmm, Chris Adams is standing RIGHT THERE...


Let's take another Special Video Look at the Nitro Girls. Just PRETEND to be interested - it will be over soon.

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! Again! You can't show a video of them without showing them IMMEDIATELY afterward! Wow, they raided Hogan's boa closet!

Let's Take a Special Video Look at the Total Wolfpackage. "His body is chiseled out of granite, and his mind is that of a scholar." Hey, Mr. High 'n' Mighty isn't WCW, is he? Then why are you blowing him in front of me? Oh, it's a thinly veiled promo for World War 3.

God, there's nothing more annoying than when they take an ad break, only to come back and show a video package, the Nitro Girls, another video package, and then go to ANOTHER ad break. And this is like the SECOND time they've done it tonight! No wonder the live crowds get so bored.

WWF house show ad in the local slot.

This portion of Monday Nitro is brought to you by Valvoline! Don't watch Nitro without first getting lubed with Valvoline!

Tomorrow night, Tuesday Nitro! 8pm-9pm! I am not sure I can stand a fourth hour of Nitro! We shall see if I provide an update or not! (The Canadians will demand it. They are a fickle, demanding bunch.)

SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER & BUFF BAGWELL v. RICK STEINER & - & - aw, give me a fuckin' break, it's JUDY BAGWELL. Judy Bagwell is one half of the World Tag Team Champions. Somebody write this one in a record book somewhere. The best part is Buff actually took a swing at his Moms - oh, come on. Judy ducks and slaps the taste out of his mouth, of course. Meanwhile, Rick takes out Scott with one right, ditto for Buff. They both roll out of the ring and Buff's got the mic. "This ain't happenin'! Tell him!" "Hey you old bag, I told you to stay out of out business! This ain't happenin' because there's no referee!" Scott thinks about calling Moms a bitch but holds off. Rick: "You afraid of yo momma?" Buff reminds Judy that he pays the bills. Rick suggests they make a match for World War 3, oh boy, ANOTHER exciting chapter in that thrilling saga of Rick vs. Scott. Judy gets the mic and sets the sport back another ten minutes. I guess Judy Bagwell and Rick Steiner will team up at World War 3 - wow, did you hear that? That's the buyrate of World War 3 - and it is SKYROCKETING! (no contest - no match really - hell, I called the last one a match, so it evens out I think)

Still to come tonight, a double main event! Now let's take another ad break! Wow, that segment lasted a whole TWELVE SECONDS - I think that's the shortest segment ever. IT IS A NIGHT OF FIRSTS TONIGHT ON NITRO!

Survivor Series ad in the local slot - very unusual for TCI to hype ANY PPV event during these shows, despite the seemingly logical placement.

WCW Monday Jericho T-shirt ad - this is the ONLY T-shirt that MIGHT be worth the twenty clams.

Tomorrow night: Goldberg! Tonight - more crap!

KONNAN (disrespectfully displaying the Puerto Rican flag) v. BRET HART - As Konnan enters, everybody in the building is watching something in the audience - even the ref and even Pinzer. Hart's theme is a ripoff of Love and Rockets' "Body & Soul" which is itself a ripoff of...I forget. Still, this match has a chance to not suck, but it will be totally dependent on the lack of a run-in and the lack of Konnan winning. Konnan starts out with right hands and kick/stompin'. Whip, somersault into the clothesline. More kicking and Hart rolls out and takes a powder. Konnan is out and Bret's head meets the RAILING. I think crowd is chanting "fuck'imup Konnan fuck'imup" which means the volume is quickly turned down on him. Hart meets the STEEL steps. Hart finally turns the tide and takes it back into the ring with the help of an eyerake. Elbow to the back of the head. Head to the lower abdomen. Kick to the head. Face raked across the rope. Commentators speculate that Hart wants another shot at the US title. Hart gouges away. Head to the turnbuckle. Something else that's probably illegal but I can't see it. Stomping away. It's all Hart and that's how I likes it. Side Russian legsweep. To the second rope, but he meets the boot in the mush on the way down. Is the crowd chanting "Taco?" Repeated rights by Konnan, now stomps on the back, now stepping on the neck for 4. Hart choked on the second rope while Konnan sits on him. Right hand. Six punch countalong but the crowd isn't paying attention. Twice Konnan shoves away referee "Blind" Billy Silverman - the second time Hart clips Konnan while Silverman's back is turned. Hart tunes in to the hurt knee and methodically works it over. There's an elbowdrop. Hart pulls is backwards. Now it's placed on the bottom rope and there's the buttdrop. Kick to the head for good measure. Another. Hart cranks back on the leg - well, actually it WAS made to bend that way, but I'll let that go. Hart wraps the leg around the ringpost while the crowd chants "we want tits." Hell, I do too, but this match is all right. Hart pulls on the leg again. Hart steps on the back of the knee and then drives the whole kit and caboodle right into the canvas. Hart's got a chair. He's asking for a DQ here....kick to the knee - chairshot. Silverman has no choice. (DQ 7:06) Hart continues mercilesly working over the knee with the STEEL chair. THE TOTAL WOLFPACKAGE *finally* comes out to make the save. The chase is on, but Hart isn't caught. Trainer DANNY YOUNG comes out with some more refs - Konnan is carried out as "asshole" is just missed from the muting switch.

Gene O. is in the ring while Konnan is being carried off and he welcomes CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO to the ring. Jericho is again accompanied by the JPS, ROLFUS and looks like he's had a run-in with a Van de graaf generator from the looks of his hair. It's Jericho's 28th birthday (happy b-day, LIonheart!). He continues to remind us that he holds four victories over "Greenberg," and if he had any guts at all, he'd come out and see him right now. Backstage, we see GOLDBERG escorted to his dressing room, just "happen" to catch the comments on the monitor, destroy the furniture in the room, then run to the ring (without security yet!), spear Jericho, take him to the security railing, toss the TV belt back onto him and that's it for this segment.

The Awesome 3 chew up some time. Tony says that Goldberg is at "the end of the rainbow" for World War 3 - err. Replay of the spear, oh boy. Let's go to the ring!

MICHAEL BUFFER is out to ask the crowd if they're ready. The crowd sounds like they WERE ready, a long time ago, but now their collective heart just isn't in it. It's *still* kinda amusing to see Giant get all excited about his pyro as he walks to the ring. No survey, thank God. Michael Buffer, for the first time EVER says "Torture Rack" without adding "of Doom" immediately after it. Referee is "Blind" Mickey Jay, yeah, who cares. We're almost done, kids, I promise.

NO SMOKIN' GIANT & NO DRINKIN' SCOTT HALL v. KEVIN NASH & THE NARCISSIST - Hall & Nash start, surprisingly. Toothpick for Nash, which Giant and Hall treat as if it were the funniest thing ever. So Nash spits in Hall's eye, and Hall thinks to himself "wait! THAT'S not funny." Then Nash points to his crotch repeatedly. Finally they lockup, Hall with the arm wringer and his famous "I run into you" shoulderblock. Nash takes Hall to the corner and repeatedly buries the knee in the gut, making sure to frame the last elbow. Scoop and a reversal - Hall pushes him to the corner, Nash puts the brakes on, Hall ducks the clothesline and pummels away. Whip into the corner, clothesline to followup, whip into the opposite corner, Nash rares back, there's a clothesline and a tag to Luger. Luger with the big "lion roaring' pose. Luger hits some big punches. Hall goes down after the third. Big atomic drop. Big clothesline. Hall pokes the eyes and tags in the Giant. Giant with a right and Luger goes down hard. Another right, a chop, head across the knee and he drops it to the canvas. Monster chop by the Giant (woooo!). Whip into the opposite corner but Luger puts up the big boots. Three big right hands. Again, again, big kick, big pec flex and big ten punch count along - Hall's in at five so Luger hits a big flying clothesline, but when he turns around Giant levels him. Head to the lower ab (Jay, escorting Hall to his corner, misses it). Scoop slam by Giant. Schiavone says we should come to expect low blows in main events by now. Giant elbowdrop. Tag to Hall. Hall kicks him in the back just before he can make the tag. "Let's go Wolfpack" chant is up and the guys in the truck ALMOST turn it down before they figure out, for the first time all night, there's no dirty words in it. Luger finally comes back by driving Hall's head into the big canvas. But unfortunately, Luger comes down in the wrong corner, so Giant is tagged. Luger taken to Headbutt City (sayeth Tony). Choke on the second rope. Giant distracts the ref while Hall continues the choke, then lets loose with a lariat of his own. Giant stands on Luger. Giant drops an elbow on the knee. GOLDBERG TOMORROW NIGHT - shut up Tony. Giant with another huge headbutt. Tag to Hall. Hall paintbrushes him and hits a discus punch. Hall continuing to stomp away. Hard whip into the corner and Luger falls down coming out. Hall with the fallaway slam. Hall and Giant discuss which finishing manoeuvre should finish off Luger - Giant says "go ahead, do yours" but when Hall tries for the Outsider Edge, Luger reverses into a back bodydrop. Will he make it to his corner? Well, of course he does. Right, right, shot for the Giant. Snake Eyes for Hall! Another shot for the Giant. Legdrop across the back while he's on the second rope. Big boot for the Giant. Big boot for Hall! Giant finally makes it into the ring but Nash ducks and Luger takes him out with a big right, another big right, and a big lariat over the top rope. Now here's BRET HART, clipping Kevin Nash and working the knee. Hart and Hall make a wish. Luger takes Giant to the post while Hart decks Mickey Jay. Luger has a chair and clears the ring but the damage is done. See you tomorrow!

Oh yeah, (DQ 9:13).

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