Last week, I had a bit of a problem with one Konnan winning a television title over one Chris Jericho. In fact, I had even MORE of a problem upon being exposed once again to the radio-active effects of the enigma wrapped in a riddle known only as "Konnan's Music Video." And, well, let's be honest: I went OFF. Now, *despite* the fact that I regularly remind you (the reader) that I am biased, and proudly so, some of you were still actually *surprised* that I could get so unhappy about a perfectly ordinary title change. And I received more hate mail than ever. I also received more POSITIVE mail than ever. Ratio of positive to negative was about 10 to 1, for those of you keeping score at home. And I hate to speak ill of ANY reader, but I have to say, those of you who were really unhappy with the fact that I DARED to speak out against Kevin Nash, well, and remember, I HATE to say it, but...well, you don't get it. It's the PRINCIPLE of the thing.

Nonetheless, I start tonight's show with a clean slate, as I always do (believe it or not) and even though I am BIASED, I won't start OUT angry. It'll be WCW's job to get me angry. And I'm sure they'll come through with flying colours...

WCW NITRO IS LIVE AND IN COLOUR! We're at the Houston Colt .45dome in Houston, TX on Pearl Harbour Day where attendance is announced at 31,110. AND YOU AND ME! Closed captioned for the hearing impaired (huh?), tonight's show is, as always, broadcast on Turner's Network Television. Grab a drink 'cause we got three hours to go. Tony welcomes us to the Lone Star State of Houston. And so it begins...

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and thelivinglegend Larry Zbyszko, who does that thing that he does. There's been a big Executive Committee meeting tonight - Scoop Tenay provides the details. Goldberg wants Bam Bam Bigelow and he wants him now. The Executive Committee reminded the world that the title is frozen until Starrcade, but they'd be more than happy to try to pop a big rating with a nontitle match tonight. So did Bigelow come to town to get Goldberg or the title? We'll find out tonight. "That is one of the biggest main events we've ever had on this program!" ejaculates Tony.

Let Us Take you back to Moments Ago - before the show, while WILDCAT WILLIE was warming up the crowd with his trampoline spiel, who should arrive but SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER along with his referee. Steiner demolishes the mascot and puts him in the Recliner. I'm torn - I don't really like Steiner, but that mascot is annoying too...is Pat Tanaka still in there?

Here's a Special Video Package detailing the Exciting WCW Career of Hulk Hogan, who we hated up until about two weeks ago, but now we love. Hey look, there's Ted Turner! Man, Hogan looks like a big goof in his red and yellow, next to Flair in his suit. Hey, there's Mr. T! Hey, there's Shaquille O'Neal - he likes the WWF now, you know. (Hey Shaq, what the HELL are you thinking about with that TWisM crap, huh?) Hogan does movies, too. Hey, there's George Foreman! Hey, you know what's missing in this clip? Dennis Rodman! Remember him? I only say that 'cause I saw Carmen Electra in that Baywatch clip. Hey, there's Vader! (Very briefly) Hey, there's Hogan turning on the fans, telling them to "Stick it." Man, he looks so much better without that goofy natural beard. Hey, look, he's not friends with Savage there. Hey look, Eric Bischoff wormed his way into this video package. Hey, there's M. Wallstreet! I miss that guy. Hey, there's Hogan announcing his retirement on the Tonight Show - hey, he almost sounds like a NICE guy in that clip. Hey, there's the last time we saw him on Nitro, in that stupid red-white-and-blue-ballooned walk to the ring in those GOOFY sunglasses. "...will be missed by millions. We will ALL say goodbye to Hollywood." Geez, did he DIE or something?

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! Tony reminds us that the word has quickly spread throughout the land: tonight Goldberg will take on Bam Bam Bigelow! Is it just me, or have the outfits of the Nitro Girls gotten smaller since Nash got the book?

Oh, ad break. What the hell, it's already BEEN ten minutes.

WCW/NWO Revenge for the Nintendo ad. If you approach the commentary booth, do they scatter like rats like in real life?

This portion of the WCW Monday Nitro Cavalcade of ads and interviews is brought to you by 10-10-321!

Let Us Take You Back To Last Week as the Festival of Recaps continues - coincidentally enough, it's a clip featuring Kevin Nash, as he and Hall reunite to take on Horace and Steiner. Poor Horace has to sit there for about half an hour after the Edge because Nash has to powerbomb the bogus ref, so a NEW ref can come in and make the count. Moving back to last week's THUNDER!, we see the ref not make the count AGAIN, and then we see Hall in the Recliner (judicious editing doesn't show the hold being released like they did last week).

SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER and his referee are on their way to the ring to burn some more time. Tony is openly weeping for poor old Wildcat Willie. This goes out to all you freaks out there, Big Poppa Pump can't work the mic worth a shit, holler if ya hear me. Steiner DOES mention that Tejas is good for two things - steers and [mute]. I THINK that muted word rhymed with "steers," ho ho. For those of you watching RAW last week, Steiner reminds us that Hollywood Hogan has retired and left him in charge of the place, by virtue of the fact that he has the Largest Arms in the World. This segment is made slightly more amusing because Steiner's mic occasionally cuts out for microseconds. Crowd is chanting "Goldberg" - or is it "Boring?" Steiner calls out Scott Hall for a THIRD time. Well, hell, let's just have that match again. Steiner promises to break a leg - preferably one of Hall's I would imagine.

Opening credits - or should I say, "19 minutes after opening" credits. But I'm not complaining, oh no, not me.

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (snap into THIS!), You Don't Know Jack tabletop version, "Armageddon" on video (shorter than an episode of Nitro!), Mag-Lite, the CLUB, and Tiger SportsFeel Electronic Games.

The Nitro Party of the week is lame. That's all I can say. It's lame and stupid and this whole SHOW - no, no, not yet.

Call for Nitro Party tapes. Only one week left! Until they start the next Nitro Party contest...

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls again! Tonight, Bam Bam Bigelow and Goldberg hook it up in a nontitle bout. IT WILL BE OUR OPENING MATCHUP! No, wait, we are FINALLY going to have a matchup...

KENDELL WINDHAM v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE - now HERE'S a match worth sitting through 27 minutes of clips, interviews, ads, and Nitro Girls. Oh yeah. Hey Kendell, they're spelling your first name wrong agian. Doesn't your brother have some stroke now or something? Can't you better yourself, man? Windham with a bodyslam, hooray! Page with a trip. Right by Windham, Page with punches. Off the ropes, shoulderblock by Page, swinging neckbreaker. Windham's trick knee acts up and Page is crotched. Stompin' and poundin' by Windham. Chop (woooo!), whip, lariat. Page punches back, discus lariat, Diamond cutter, good night everybody. (2:00) This is supposedly a new variation of the Diamond cutter, but we've seen it, baby, we've seen it. Snickers provides the replays. Enjoy these moments of action - there will be no wrestling for another 45 minutes.

Get to Know the Nitro Girls - exclusive up close 'n' personal interview with Tygress. Geez, she looks ready to cry the whole time. She fails to talk about how she pushed out Tayo to get her spot. She gives mad props to Left-Eye (she was NOT the cute one in TLC, by the way. Not that you asked me.) She says no to drugs and is high on life. Okay, I'm actually making this whole thing up, I wasn't listening. I did catch that she's Pureto Rican. She wants to rub off on people. There's an opening... She knows a really gay Puerto Rican choreographer who wears his cap askance. This is WCW!

WCW MasterCard ad.

Closed captioning is brought to you by Western Union.

Let Us Take You Back to Last Week, Because Nothing Could Possibly Happen THIS week. Contract signing has Nash (what a coincidence, a clip with Nash in it) acting goofy, Goldberg signing, Bam Bam attempting to disrupt the proceedings, Goldberg and Bigelow fighting on the grassy knoll and then in the parking lot - not exactly putting Regal/Finlay to shame, if you catch my drift.

THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC, NORMAN SMILEY v. PRINCE IAUKEA in a "Winner gets to continue their heel turn" match - Smiley has eschewed his normal yellows and peaches in favour of a sky blue. Smiley is already doing his "doin' it in da butt and smackin' my bitch up" dance. Iaukea does something, then Smiley does something, Tenay says Smiley's on a roll as of late, so I guess he's going to win. Smiley with a dance, and some more of that dancing. He doesn't do the Haiawatha pose, though. Schiavone says he's really doing a "ride 'em cowboy" dance but I like my call better. Referee is "Blind" Brady Boone, who still doesn't seem comfortable with wearing the bowtie. What do you MEAN you wanted play by play of this match? THIS MATCH IS THE PRETZELS! Iaukea gets a nice enziguiri, back body drop, Samoan drop, climbing to the top, big splash, but only 2. Smiley goes behind, what's that, wow! THE DREADED CROSSFACE CHICKENWING! I miss ol' Mr. Backlund. Oh, Prince taps out 'cause he's a wuss. (2:55)

GENE O. works tonight! He introduces a clip from THUNDER! where it is announced that Juventud Guerrera and Rey Mysterio, Jr. are going to have a #1 Contender's Match for the Cruiserweight title on the upcoming THUNDER! despite Eddie Guerrero's wishes that Guerrera get that title shot at Starrcade. After we see that clip, Gene brings out THE LWO'S EDDIE GUERRERO, who says some evil things and runs down Rey. Did he say "turd?" Apparently, Rey signed that contract behind Eddie's back, because he's so selfish. Then he says some stuff in Spanish that I translate as "I could be so good to Alejandra Guzman." Eddie says that Rey will be disciplined tonight, and calls out SILVER KING. Eddie says that the King will take on Rey tonight. They chat in Spanish and it kinda goes like this:

Eddie: I've written Alejandra Guzman over 500 letters but she never writes back

King: I wish they still showed "Gran Juego de la Oca" on TV in this country - I love seeing those people get lit on fire

Eddie: That reminds me - when are you gonna give ma back my "a la Cama con Porcel" tape? That holds great sentimental value to me.

I'll bet you're impressed that I'm so multilingual... I guess the upshot is that sometime tonight there'll be a Silver King/Rey Mysterio, Jr. match.

SILVER KING v. XXXXXXL REY MYSTERIO, JR. - I *love* Silver King. He deserves better than this. He's still ranting about that wacky Goose game show all the way to the ring, too! Rey throws his shirt at Silver King, who decaptitates him with a lariat. Silver King apparently joined on Saturday Night, which I missed. Mysterio with a dropkick. They take turns doing Rey's spin in the ropes move. They do some twirly stuff and Rey is supposed to armdrag him out of the ring but misses. King dutifully jumps out anyway as Tony waits a beat, then almost sounds sarcastic saying "WHATAMOVETHATWAS!" Baseball slide but King is getting up on the apron. Rey with a half-hearted huracanrana from the apron to the floor, yeehaw! Back in we go, whip, King catches him and drives him to the mat. King whistles to the crowd, who whistles back. I *love* Silver King. HELICOPTER SLAM! 1, 2, no. Chop (woooo!), whip, headstand on the second buckle by Rey, so King powerbombs him, 1, 2. Whip into the opposite corner, but Rey sidesteps the springboard leg lariat - Rey to the second rope - King charges and gets pushed away - a second charge - a second push. Rey comes off to try a flying headscissors and totally misses it. This is some BAD Luca Libre here. To the rope, King charges and Rey back bodydrops him over the top rope to the floor. Rey decides to go for it again, and there's a somersault which hits. Back in. Silver King dumps Rey on top of the turnbuckle to the apron. Now they're fighting - Rey with a springboard bulldog and a pin. (3:49) Damn, that could have been light years better. Oh well, I'm not complaining.

GOLDBERG, flanked by TERRY TAYLOR and some other Executive Committee guy, enter the building. Hey, there's KEVIN NASH, and he appears to be carrying a book! He takes umbrage at the fact that Goldberg has a match tonight when he should be thinking about Nash instead. Nash *guarantees* that the Goldberg/Bigelow match won't take place tonight (uh oh) and Goldberg says that he's been dreaming of putting Nash's ass through the mat. Hey wait a minute, can Goldberg say "ass?" It's coming to a head! Yes, the head of Gene O.!

Lee Marshall narrates the Snickers Pin on a Map Road Report. Tampa's Ice Palace hosts Nitro!

WCW/NWO Signature Series tapes profile Sting and Savage. There may even be some WRESTLING on those tapes - like there sometimes is on this show!

"You know you're having a great program when the minutes fly by quickly - and by golly! - one hours already gone!" Tony sounds SO fake right saying stuff like this. I think he KNOWS it, too. He's really developed this fake "rah-rah" accent that he's pulling out a lot more frequently. FIREWORKS! You can tell I'm not into it this week because I forgot to dig up some song lyrics to denote the passing of the hours. It's hour two ok.

WRATH v. RENEGADE - Wrath mutters "the body count continues" on his way to the ring and it works on so many levels. Good Lord, look at his breasts bounce as he power walks to the ring. I give this match thirty seconds. Lockup, Elbow, off the rope, shoulderblock, chop to the throat, chop (woooo!), TV-PG-DV box, repeated knees and kicks, stand on the neck, whip into the opposite corner, follow lariat, whip off the rope into a sidewalk slam, 1, 2, no. Renegade is a former World Television Champion! Tony promises a replay of the meeting we just saw earlier later. Sigh. Renegade is a house a fire here! Whoops, Wrath reversed. Side suplex. Lightning elbowdrops. Blatant choke. Wrath goes outside, lines up Renegade on the apron, and drops an elbow. Here's another. Here's one more. I feel bad that I can give you play by play here but I can't be bothered for Iaukea and Smiley. Renegade with a couple moves - he tries the goofy backsrping elbow and Wrath pushes him down before he can finish it. Shoulderblock. Geez, just end it already. Kick to the gut - the fans are cheering because they know the match is almost over, not because they love the move. (3:30)

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago. Nash is annoyed, Taylor says there's a match tonight, Nash guarantees the match won't happen and Goldberg better stay focused on him. Goldberg says that not a second goes by that he doesn't DREAM of knocking his ass to the mat. Hey, he said "ass" again! Remember Homer's idea to make Itchy & Scratchy better? "When Poochy isn't on the screen, the other characters should be sad, look around, and say 'Where's Poochy?'" KEVIN NASH IS POOCHY!

ROGER CLEMENS was bribed to attend tonight's Nitro. He plays for the Astros, you know. Also, Dan Pastorini and Bum Phillips are in the house. Bum Phillips is still alive?

CHAVO GUERRERO JR. (con Pepe) v. DISCO INFERNO - Disco says he has a blockbuster announcement, and he brings out KONNAN. He asks Konnan to share the good news, and Konnan, who sucks, makes fun of Disco. The crowd eats it up 'cause they're morons. Disco says that Kevin Nash has told him that he's in the Wolfpack now. Konnan is surprised at this development as Disco walks to the ring while the NWO Hollywood theme plays. Huh? Oh, I see, it's a tag team match and Chavo and Disco are partners. Nice of them to tell me....

CHAVO GUERRERO JR. (con Pepe) & DISCO INFERNO v. STEVIE RAY & HORACE (hogan) - Horace and Chavo start. Horace poses. Chavo makes the "PU" handmotion. To the ropes, Horace pounds away, stomps a mudhole in him, then whips him into the opposite corner and follows with a lariat. Beales him out. "Disco sucks" chant. Chavo ducks under and there's a dropkick. Springboard bulldog. To the corner, tag to Disco, who kicks away. Elbow to the head, Horace comes back with a knee to the gut and a chop (woooo!) and Stevie is tagged in. Stevie's tights are getting uglier. Disco comes back and hits a swinging neckbreaker. Second rope elbowdrop for 2. Whip, reverse, clothesline. Stevie looks unhappy. Thrown out and Horace has his weight belt - clothesline with the belt. Belt shot. Back in, tagged in, kick to the abs. Backbreaker across the knee. Splash misses, tag to Chavo. Chavo is a house on fire! Dropkick! Dropkick! Punches in bunches! Whip reversed but Chavo puts a boot up. Tornado DDT! 1, 2, Stevie pulls him off. Now all four men in. Disco comes out and gets the tag. Disco on Horace, now Stevie is in again, now Chavo is in. Stevie flips Chavo outside, but Chavo hits a punch. Now referee "Blind" Billy Silverman is trying to keep Chavo outside, so Stevie Ray walks over to help Horace with a double team. There's a SPIKE PILEDRIVER. This one was weird, and it's over. (3:29)

Tonight Bam Bam Bigelow will face Goldberg, Scott Steiner takes on Scott Hall, and oh boy, here's KEVIN NASH walking to the ring. I *believe* he's carrying a book with him, but I don't know. "If Goldberg thinks he's running the show, he's not." Nash says the only match Goldberg is gonna have is with Kevin Nash, not with Bam Bam Bigelow. Nash is gonna go back and put on his gear, and then make sure there isn't a Goldberg/Bigelow fight without him in it. So apparently, we're gonna have a three-way dance. Tony says this is exciting an explosive. I say Nash couldn't let this main event go by without putting himself in it. KEVIN NASH *IS* POOCHY!

Starrcade is the 27th! It's amazing they haven't replaced this Goldberg-starred ad with one featuring Kevin Nash.

TNT brings us Roddy Piper and Burt Reynolds in a movie - if you watch it, you'll be serving "Hard Time."

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! Tony and Mike act like the scene that took place in the movie clip REALLY happened. I just figured it out, Tony thinks he's Johnny Carson playing Art Fern in the Tea-Time Movie. And it's annoying.

GLACIER v. PERRY SATURN in an "Interior Design" match - Before the match starts, THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION THE CAT & SONNY ONOO appear at the top of the entrance and talk some jive. Onoo has a neck brace on. Meanwhile, Glacier is giving Saturn big ol' kicks because he wasn't paying attention. It's all Glacier. Glacier is happy as a little girl. Saturn comes back with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine." But Glacier manages another back front back side kick and Saturn's down again. Whip, tilt-a-whirl slam. Glacier is back on the all offense. 2 count. Onoo & Cat are near the steps. Saturn with a Sunset flip for 2. Glacier with a lariat. Bodyslam by Glacier. Glacier with a superfluous somersault and so he misses the legdrop. Saturn punches, Glacier misses a charge, Saturn with a legsweep takedown, springboard splash for 2. Tony is hyping tonight's matches because no one's interested in this one. Saturn climbs the corner which just happens to be near the Cat, but amazingly there's no interference. Top rope elbowdrop but only 2. Onoo's on the apron and referee "Blind" Scott Dickinson is tied up - Cat pulls the legs, double team - no, Cat hits Glacier when Saturn ducks. Saturn cleans house until the ref gets between them and then raises GLACIER'S hand. Saturn's a little pissed with this decision - and delivers a Spicolli Driver to Dickinson. (DQ 4:24) This is timely and topical, see, 'cause the NFL Officials...ah, hell, I'm not gonna tell the story they can't be bothered to tell ME.

Let Us Take You Back to last week's top rop clothesline of Diamond Dallas Page by the Giant. Giant and Page will fight at Starrcade and Page will get his revenge, oh yes, he will get his revenge. Then Giant will drop his shorts and try to get arrested. ORDER NOW!

New NWO Wolfpac "Property of NWO" T-shirt ad. I used to think they were cool, and now I think they're just annoying. Yes, Nash and Konnan. I'm SOOOO BIASED.

Bobby Heenan is there.

THE NARCISSIST v. EMERY HALE (no entrance) - Big lockup, break, Hale does an imitation of Luger's "roaring lion" pose which immediately gets me interested in him. Well, to the extent that this is a Luger match anyway. Big side headlock, off the ropes, they meet in the centre and no one moves. Luger ducks a clothesline and hits a big shoulderblock. Big scoop slam. Big clothesline takes Hale over the top rope to the floor. Hale jaws with the fans - could he be the next Barry Horowitz? "You suck" chant is quickly toned down by the sound guys. Hale pulls Luger outside the ring and the head meets the rail. Everybody's back in. HUGE flying clothesline by Hale for 2! Head meets the buckle. Hale pounds him in the back. Hale is wagging his head like he was a white D'Lo Brown. Whip into the corner, backbreaker across the knee. Hale sits on the turnbuckle and hits a legdrop (weak) for 2. That Luger, he sure knows how to job for a guy. Hale is pounding but it looks like Luger's hulkingup...big elbow, big punch, Hal with a punch of his own and a bodyslam. Hale perched on the top turnbuckle - forearm misses. Big lariat. Big lariat. Big Ace toolbox forearm shiver. Big Torture Rack? Yup. (4:09)

"WCW Nitro" for the PC comes in a cool 3d box. Oooh.

WCW Monday Jericho T-shirt ad. Hurry up and buy yours before he's jobbed away to the WWF!

Let's take a Special Video Look at Kevin Nash and Goldberg, because Kevin Nash Must Appear In Every Quarter Hour. This is, coincidentally, a Starrcade promo.

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with JPS Ralphus) v. BOBBY DUNCUM JR. - "Ralphus wants you to want - ME! You know, it wasn't too long ago that the Bad News Bears played that fateful game right here in the Astrodome, and it wasn't too long ago that I destroyed that filthy Texan Bobby Duncan Jr. Why? Because I HATE COWBOYS - and that in turn means that all of you faithful Jerichoholics ALSO hate cowboys - and even though Bobby Duncan Jr. is from Texas, tonight, due to all of the wonderful people here who make me their hero, their role model, their Paragon of Virtue, *I* am the true hometown hero, *y'all*." You know what's scary? There's more than one fat guy in the audience wearing a half T-shirt with "Jericho Personal Security" written on it. And it might catch on. We just don't need that. Duncum has stolen Joe Gomez' music again. "Jericho sucks" chant starts things off nicely. Lockup, to the ropes, Duncum with a forearm. Duncum with a bodyslam. Jericho's head mets the buckle. But Jericho comes back with a kick and chops (woooo!) but Duncum hits a shoulderblock. Whip into the ropes, dueling hiptoss attempts - Jericho flips but eats a clothesline. Tenay says "hook 'em horns," EWWWW. Jericho with a belly-to-back suplex. Now he's stompin' on his head. Jericho with a bodyslam. Jericho climbs to the top - but Dunbum pushes him to the floor. Duncum with a pescado - huh, who knew he could do that? Jericho meets the STEEL barricade. Kickin' away, Duncum is back an and awaiting Jericho. Duncum picks him up but Jericho hits the throat and he goes across the rope on his way down. Jericho hurries up and hits a missile dropkick from the top rope. "Arrogant cover" for 0. Jericho chops (woooo!). Whip, reverse, duck, eats a boot, bulldog by Duncum, legs hooked, for 2. Whip into the corner, follow lariat and Jericho falls. Second rope Vaderbomb - no it's an elbow drop. 1, 2, Jericho grabs the bottom rope. Duncum takes him high in the air - and lets him fall. Bodyslam by Duncum. Duncum climbing the ropes - Jericho runs off the rope and crotches him. Jericho climbs up - TOP ROPE SUPERPLEX! but Jericho hit the back of his head. Slow to cover, only gets 2. Chop (wooo!), out of the corner, reversal, knee to the gut by the cowboy. Powerbomb, no Jericho rolls through, puts his feet on the ropes, and referee "Blind" Charles Robinson counts the pinfall in record time. (5:11) Jericho quickly exits the ring and into the waiting arms of Ralphus as we take another break.

Starrcade promo is all Goldberg, baby.

HOUR THREE FIREWORKS GOLDBERG BIGELOW TONIGHT ONE TIME ONLY TV-PG-DV AND NASH IS EVERYWHERE

For the third time, we see the "confrontation" between Nash and Goldberg. "I guarantee you right now, that match doesn't happen - I guarantee you that..." "the thing is, brother, there ain't a second that goes by that I don't dream about driving your ass right through that mat." THREE times I've heard the word "ass" from Goldberg!

POLISH PIRATE SCOTT PUTSKI v. NO-SMOKIN' GIANT - next. (Chokeslam :31) Giant gets the mic. "Page - you wanted my attention. Well guess what Leatherface, you got it. Now all you draft beer drinkin', Copenhagen dippin', coupon clippin' rednecks. Everybody thinks Diamond Dallas Page is the People's Champion - you think he's like Santy Claus? Well this year I'm the Grinch! Dallas...Page. Starrcade, you and me, it's gonna be a real easy payday, 'cause I'm taking you out on a sleigh ride that you can never imagine. You think you do all the bangin' in WCW? You think you're the BANG man in wrestling? You ain't never seen a bang! So you think I'm dangerous now? What you did to me - now I'm deadly. So Dallas get ready, 'cause I got a special present for you - it's called AHHHTHECHOKESLAMMMMMMMMM....." Damn, I love that. I hope he's auditioning for the WWF by cutting interviews like that.

We cut to a shot of Konnan, the NWO ref, and I guess trainer Danny Young. Konnan says something about taping up the ref, and I guess this will be mirthful and hilarious if only I can get through this ad break...

Promotional consideration paid for by Electronic Hot Shot Basketball, NFL Quarterback Club '99 by Acclaim, America (ha!) Online, Invention Scam Corporation, Mag-Lite (2), and XG2 from Acclaim.

The crowd rises as one because that familiar theme is playing. Think of the letdown if Mongo were to come out right now. Fortunately, it's not.

CHRIS BENOIT & DEAN MALENKO (with Arn Anderson) v. RAVEN & KANYON - speaking of Benoit and Malenko, there's a dwarf in the crowd. Oh, SORRY. Anybody think for a MINUTE that Raven's gonna wrestle tonight? Kanyon comes out alone, then turns back to find Raven sitting in a corner feeling pain. Raven tells Kanyon he's a geek. Kanyon says he may be a geek, but unlike Saturn, Page, and Piper, HE is at least there for him, why can't he be there for Kanyon? "Raven (the knucklehead) has decided once again that he's not gonna come out here with me, and I don't care. I DON'T CARE, because it's HIS fualt - HE is the reason that last week in front of all my homies my name went down in the record book as the loser who ended the 20+ year losing streak known as the Armstrong curse. And then on Thursday, these chowderheads, the Horsemen, they almost beat me within an inch of my life - 'cause Raven - 'cause Raven would not tag in. Well guess what. That is not gonna happen here tonight because tonight I am not gonna wrestle. No, I'm not gonna wrestle, 'cause once again I see that the odds are 2 on 1. Actually, excuse me, Arn Anderson's here, I'm wrong. The odds are 2 and a half on 1. So no, there'll be no match tonight, but I'll tell you what I WILL do. I will beat one of you three idiots on Thursday, and I don't care WHICH one it is. Maybe it'll be Arn...naw, I'm only kiddin' - he's too old." Meanwhile Arn is positioning himself behind Kanyon. "No, I'll beat one of you two idiots on Thursday - be there or be square, or in your case, you can be both. What are you doing? Get out of my way, old man. Arn's got the crowbar - Kanyon is pulled into the ring, where Dean gets some stuff in, then Arn almost gets to swing the crowbar, but Kanyon makes a hasty escape.

Let's Take A Special Look at Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair. They must have hired some WWF guy to edit this clip because it's all Max Headroom style audio, stutter repeat stutter. Dusty Rhodes raises the hand of Dean Malenko and raises his pants with the other hand. Why did he do it? Why did he let Dean get such a beatdown before he did it? Will we ever find out? Do we want to? Are we looking forward to Bischoff vs. Flair? How many unanswered questions can I string together?

Gene O. calls out RIC FLAIR to join the other three in the ring. He walks to the ring, oh and MONGO is behind him. Flair HUGS everybody for some reason. "Oh Lord woooo! how it's hard to be humble in Houston, Texas tonight! Woooo! Bischoff, wherever you are, get off your girlfriend, get off your treadmill and hear the Nature Boy tonight! Because pal, your dictatorship is about to come to an end, woooo! You're a man that hates history. This city, Houston, Texas, Paul Bosch(?), hah? Terry and Dory Funk! The Briscos! Harley Race! Dick Murdoch! Dirty Dusty Rhodes! Jose Lothario! You know what? They all bled a gallon and sweat five gallons to get you, you [mute - "jackoff, to the...?"] And then along comes a Texan like Steve 'Mongo' McMichael. And you, like with the Crippler, Dean Malenko, the Enforcer and me, spent two years - two years - trying to bottle it, plug it, hold it down. Guess what? At Starrcade, I'm gonna choke you, I'm gonna gouge your eyes, I'm gonna kick you you know where, I'm gonna - I'm gonna chop you, I'm gonna squeeze that skinny neck until the blood runs down your nostrils, your eyes pop out and you say 'Oh - Lord - I - respect you - Ric Flair.' Bischoff, oh God, it'll be like going to your funeral worldwide. We're gonna - we're doing it - in one night, we're gonna take your paycheque, we're gone take your job, we're gone take your life, we're gonna take your dignity, and we're gonna take back the greatest sport of wrestling in the world - professional wrestling. That's why WCW is bigger than Bischoff will ever be. Woooo! Woooo! Woooo! Woooo!" Did he just chop McMichael?

THUNDER! ad.

"Konnan's Music Video." I don't know, the show hasn't been that bad this week. Maybe I can let them go. It's kinda funny, it looked like the closed captioning guy THOUGHT about trying to transcribe the lyrics, and then just putting [SINGING IN SPANISH] - although "and before I go / believe I'm a bus" appears on my screen. I don't think that's what he's saying there. "Believe I'm a bus" He said it again! This is a lot funnier when you mute it and read the closed captioning. Maybe he DOES believe he's a bus. Who knows. Tony calls it "Konnan's World Famous Music Video."

KONNAN v. BOOKER T. for the World Television Title - Konnan has the GALL to say "easy, easy like Sunday morning." Hey Konnan, stick to crappy rap and leave the damn Commodores alone, wouldja? If Booker does the job my urge to kill will increase. Take a drink every time Booker yells out "uhhhhhh!" He adds, "this sucka's in trouble," that's what I like to hear. Lockup, to the rope, clean break, no Konnan shoves, Booker shoves back, Konnan lays it on, whip, reverse, shoulderblock by Konnan. Back and forth leapfrog, Booker drops him with a big leg. Off the ropes, Konnan ducks a clothesline but not the second time with the flying jalapeno. 2 count. Booker T with a big ol' sweeping kick for 2. Right hand. Whip off the rope, head down, Konnan punches, whip, tumblin' clothesline. Snapmare takeover to the seated dropkick and Booker T. rolls outside the ring while Konnan repeatedly says "Or I'm gay!" Konnan follows outside, eats a punch, but reverses the whip and Booker hits the barricade. Sledges to the back by Konnan. Rolled back in, now Konnan's back in. Arm bar, now the arm is between the legs while the headlock is applied (you call it, I'm too tired). Booker T. finally gets up and elbows out. Konnan with another forerarm to the back. Whip, reverse, reverse, Konnan with a bulldog. 1, 2, no. Konnan to the rear chinlock. Booker T. fights out. Konnan whips, but Booker T. gets the kick, kick, the axe kick. STEVIE RAY has appeared with something in his hand we're not allowed to see. Booker T. whipping Konnan off the ropes, Konnan with a kick to the gut, elbowdrop misses. Booker's elbowdrop misses but he knows how to breakdance so he's up and there's the Harlem sidekick. T climbs the ropes for the missile dropkick, but Stevie is in and using his blackjack (or, if you're a brain dead WCW announcer, "slapjack") to bring about the DQ (5:09) As you might imagine, this kinda pisses Booker T. off - he grabs his brother and spins him around. As he threatens to knock his block off, Stevie says "go ahead and do it! That's what you shoulda been doin' to him....you need to be lookin' at this brotha [point to NWO logo on his shirt] you need to be out here with me." As Ray walks to the back, "it's like I told ya...he's comin' around."

Bruise Cruise '99 is 17-21 May. Break open your piggy bank and GO!

MORTAL KOMBAT IS NEXT! And I bet it doesn't take THEM 27 minutes to get to some action!

SCOTT HALL v. SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER - Hall *desperately* needs to get some damn music already. "Hey yo. I heard Big Poppa Pump Scotty Steiner out here earlier tonight talking about how he's gonna put Scott Hall out of wrestling. Well, Scotty, I'm too stupid to quit, so if you want me, don't sing it - bring it." Tony reminds us that a while back we saw Konnan, Danny Young, and the NWO ref, and it might be time for some payoff. Steiner walks out along and looks around. Tony: "Is he massive or what?" Tony says "Wolfpack tape job" a couple more times so that we can have it drilled into our skulls. It's funny, they do stuff like this, explaining OVER and OVER and OVER, and then they won't explain stuff that NEEDS explaining like, oh, say, Dusty Rhodes for example. Steiner is muted as he swears at Hall. Finally, we look to the back and see the NWO REF bound and gagged, with a lot of tape. MICKEY JAY is out and pushes the ref over and decides that since Hall is winning, he'll go ahead and officiate the match. Tony has an orgasm. "HetookabumpfromMickey!" Hall, meanwhile, with a lot of punches, and here's a chokeslam, but only 2. Fallaway slam but only 2. Steiner with a lariat and a glar at Jaye. Hall with the inside cradle on the distracted Steiner, but only 2. Well now, VINCENZO, STEVIE RAY, and HORACE are out and Jay hightails it. KONNAN & THE TOTAL WOLFPACKAGE are out to even the score. But it's still four on three - boy, you know what we need here - well, I wasn't thinking GIANT, but that'd work. Hall is in the Steiner Recliner, Konnan is laid out, and Luger is headbutted into oblivion. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE is in with a chair and taking a lotta shots at Giant. The NWO folk decide to scatter, leaving Luger, Konnan and Page to pick up Hall. One more shot of the ref, who Giant drapes over his shoulder on their way back. Well, Nash gets a point back from me - I was SURE he was going to come out and play Our Saviour and he didn't, so score one back for Bigg Sexxxy. Oh yeah, (no contest - under 1:00)

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is ALSO brought to you by 10-10-321!

"You know we knew it would be a phenomenal night, but I don't think we thought it would go this far." Oh, shut up, Tony. Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! What the hell was that one girl doing? She was, like, even more out of sync than they normally are...

The Awesome 3 do some talking, and you know what that means, they're killing time until the final ad break. You know what's weird? Both segments sponsored by 10-10-321 bring us no wrestling. I wouldn't use them for ANY long distance until they sponsor some WRESTLING!

For the fourth time, let's see that confrontation between Nash and Goldberg.

Gene O. says "shank of the evening" and brings out BRET HART. Wow, I thought we weren't gonna see him tonight. Hart says that Page is weaseling out by facing the Giant at Starrcade instead of himself. Hart says next time he gets Page, he'll destroy him. Hart says he's proved himself one more time and has the belt to prove it. Okerlund name drops "Wrestling with Shadows." Geez, I was hoping they'd set up a Hart match for Starrcade - maybe he's really REALLY injured?

Nash and Goldberg - STARRCADE!

So I see an ad for "Hard Time" here...funny thing is it's REALLY Burt Reynolds-centric. I mean, there's NO Roddy Piper in it. Which makes me question how big a role ol' Hot Rod has, if you catch my drift. Guess what? I'll never know, I ain't watchin' it.

MICHAEL BUFFER gets us ready to smell the screwjob. The title isn't on the line, but the undefeated record is. I might add that we haven't seen nor heard from Bigelow all night, hell, we don't even know if he's here, or if he's agreed to fight without a World Heavyweight title at stake. Well, he's here, and he's in a black cutoff T and black sweats. KEVIN NASH hits the ring just as Buffer is done with his introduction. Backstage, we see Goldberg RUNNING but you know, that dressing room is a long way from the ring. Meanwhile, Nash and Bigelow have gotten it on. Goldberg's outrun the cops, but still has time to high-five any Clemens' that are hanging about backstage. Here's Goldberg , big rights to Nash, kick. Goldberg turns around and Bigelow takes it to HIM. Doubleteam on Goldberg. Well, here come thousands of security folk and thousands of pieces of trash. Crowd MIGHT be chanting "Bullshit" but I can't tell. Commentators are letting me know what a volatile situation it is, but I'm not buying it. How many of these 31,110 people are gonna pay to get screwed like this next time WCW is in town, I wonder? Not my worry. GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!