Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! Hey look, FIREWORKS! It must be the first hour of Nitro! ("I got it bad / You don't know how bad I got it") We are LIVE from the TWAdome (What's a "twa?") in St. Louis, MO 21.12.98 - the attendance is big and huge, but they won't lay it on us yet. Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and thelivinglegend Larry Zbyszko, who tosses a Santa hat to the crowd (it doesn't make it so NO ONE gets it! Ha ha ha! Larry's STILL a heel!) The treacherous three waste no time talking about Kevin Nash's big shot against...hmm, what was his name...you know, the guy who ISN'T Kevin Nash. The one with that big shiny belt buckle.

FIT FINLAY v. POLISH PIRATE SCOTT PUTSKI - here's your Nitro Flashback, from the 2 November Nitro report (heavily edited - check the Archives if you're dying for seven week old blow-by-blow):

POLISH PIRATE SCOTT PUTSKI v. FIT FINLAY - Finlay says "Ain't no Polish Hammer gonna stop me! I'm Irish..." and he trails off, but I'm sure whatever he said, it was right. ... Putski doesn't deserve to get this much offense in. Clothesline. He's signalling for the Hammer! Finlay ducks it - fireman's carry, forward roll slam, Tombstone piledriver, oh yeah baby. 1, 2, 3. (3:57) Finlay says "Who's next?" just for kicks.

You've probably noticed that when I recognise a matchup I've written about before, I get really lazy, give you a "Nitro flashback" and then ignore the match at hand. I don't intend to stop now. I will note, however, that Finlay tells a ringside fan to "shut it, you peasant" which is actually a pretty damn good Regal impersonation, isn't it. Commentators talk about Flair and Bischoff (a match which is still scheduled despite any heart attacks you may have heard about), then Kevin Nash and ... and ... damn, if only they'd just say his NAME I'd probably remember - ah, yeah, Goldberg, that's it. For some reason, the crowd is cheering Putski like crazy and giving Finlay the boo birds. That this crowd can get up for a "shouldabeen a Worldwide exclusive" match like this either means they've really been wrestling starved and are happy to see anything RESEMBLING wrestling, or Putski is REALLY living off some old man laurels here. Ooh, Larry said "twenty glorious years" again! I love it when he does that. Tony and Tenay take turns gushing about the big crowd that came to get ripped off by Nitro tonight. This match has already gone on longer than the November matchup - so has Putski gotten better or has Finlay gotten worse? Must be that long stay in Japan for the Belfast Bruiser. Commentators are actually talking about Scott Putski now - the name of Ivan is invoked, and they're talking about the words "POLISH POWER" and the Polish falcons on Putski's tights like it's the first time they've ever seen it. Referee is "Blind" Scott Dickinson, who has apparently suffered no ill effects from his blatant fast count over Perry Saturn last week - or perhaps we were supposed to forget about that. Now I like long matches - LOVE long matches - but, like, when Scott Putski is one of the guys in it - I feel like it's okay for me to complain. Action is picking up as Finlay goes outside to get a chair and Dickinson says "oh no you don't." They're taking an AD BREAK? Good God. OK, I'll pick up play by play when we come back.

Nitro Girl calendar ad. Soon to be followed by the "Nitro Girl calendar mystery murder" movie of the week!

This portion of the match is brought to you by 10-10-321!

In the ring, Finlay is offering the Hand of Friendship. Putski is lookin' around. Putski shakes, and turns it into a handshakelock - ooh that's painful - Finlay pokes the eyes and there's an atomic drop. Big stomp. Starrcade is just six days away! Whip, missile headbutt to the gut. Snapmare takedown, big buttdrop for 2. Finlay RULES, by the way, even if I don't give him enough play-by-play treatment. I just like to watch him maul people. Outside the ring, Finlay drops Putski's head on the canvas, then turns him over and does it again. Elbowdrops. Back in the ring is Finlay, Putski comes back with a double leg takedown and some punches. Tonight, Hall vs. Goldberg. Whip, reverse, headbutt in the corner misses when Putski steps aside. Finlay out on the apron, headbutt, he climbs the ropes but Putski stops him and tosses him across the ring. Big clothesline from Putski, scoop and a slam. He's signalling for the Hammer! Finlay ducks it - fireman's carry, forward roll slam, Tombstone piledriver, oh yeah baby. 1, 2, 3. (13:24) Finlay says "Polish? American?" then shakes his head and says "Irish." That match was great but ABOUT TEN MINUTES TOO FREAKIN' LONG.

The Treacherous Three talk about last week's Flair business and let's look at it again. I gave them a bye on that first clip montage, but THIS clip montage gets no props. Man, Bischoff needs to shave the beard if he's not going to dye out the gray. Flair collapses and is wheeled out on the gurney. Bischoff apologises (but it later turns out to be fake). Again, we see clips from THUNDER! where Bischoff and Windham take turns beating up David Flair ("ass" is bleeped out). Then Bischoff applies the liplock on Beth Flair.

THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION THE CAT comes to the ring. Unfortunately, he's dressed to wrestle, which means we aren't treated to another one of his GREAT pimp outfits. Later tonight, they hope to get some sort of word on Flair's condition (because although they had an entire week, they STILL haven't gotten it yet). "Shut up! You know you people out here tonight have made me so sick. You know, I'm the baddest athalete in the world! Now I'm gonna tell you people one thing, I come out here and I whup everybody come into this ring with me. You need to shut up and sit down or you can come into this ring right now. Come on in here. Hey fat boy! Sit down! How you get your big ass in here anyway? You people can boo me all you want to, but I'm the greatest!" So they boo him all they want to. Cat says some more. Hey, did he say "ass?" How'd THAT one get by the censorman? Crowd boos with authority. "I love you people to, and a Merry Christmas! You know, I've GOT to be the greatest, anybody that can come out here and excite the crowd like I'm doin' right now, I've got to be the Greatest." Cat turns his attention to a Santa in the aisle throwing candy to the fans. (Is your Spider Sense tingling?) Cat asks Santa what he's got for him and Santa tries to bean him with a piece of candy. "I'll tell you what, come on in here Santa. You people love Santa Claus, huh? Well come on here Santa Claus." Tony goes on about how the Cat is going to beat the stuffing out of Santa, which means it won't happen. Cat calls Santa "ugly" and then asks "somebody call my momma, I'm about the beat up a fat ugly ol' Santa Claus." Of course, Santa gives a few suplexes to Cat and takes off the suit to reveal himself as PERRY SATURN. What a shock, eh?

(Half hour after) Opening credits. Geez, WCW, just don't bother if it's gonna take you that long.

WCW/NWO Superstar Series features Sting and Randy Savage - two people who apparently don't EVER APPEAR ON TV ANYMORE.

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, the CLUB, and You Don't Know Jack: tabletop version. What, only three this time? I hope that doesn't mean four sets of promo considerations instead of two...

CHAVO GUERRERO, JR. (con Pepe) v. KAZ HAYASHI (no entrance) - Hayashi takes Pepe and bats him into the crowd, establishing that he is a heel in this matchup. Chavo with a kick, pounding away, eyepoke, slap, snapmare, headlock, Kaz gets out, wristlock, Chavo out, off the ropes, shoulderblock, up and over, leapfrog, hiptoss attempt blocked, elbow, duck, knee to the abs and Chavo flips. If Tony says Nash is sexy ONE MORE TIME...Hayashi with elbows to the back of the head. Off the ropes, Chavo slides through, Kaz ducks, Chavo counters, and there's a belly to back suplex. Head meets buckle. Whip into the opposite corner, Kaz puts a boot up as Chavo follows. Chavo meets Kaz as he climbs the ropes - dueling attempts, Kaz pushes him off, Chavo climbs back up, again Kaz punches him off - Kaz goes for the plancha but Chavo dropkicks him on the way down. Tornado DDT and that's all she wrote. 1, 2, 3. (2:59) This match was ABOUT TEN MINUTES TOO FREAKIN' SHORT. 1-800-COLLECT brings you a replay of the tornado DDT.

Clips of last week's Hall/Bigelow confrontation, Bigelow, Nash and Goldberg having a pullapart leading to a triangle match for later in the night - wow, there's some more of those production values all the kids are talking about. Highlights of last week's match - tell me again why, when Hall runs in, he attacks GOLDBERG? I guess it's to protect Nash from getting a Jackhammer, but you think he'd be more worried about getting a little revenge on Bigelow. No, I guess Nash is more important than himself. Nash is the bookerman. Nash is the centre of the universe.

Speaking of BIG POOCHIE, he's out to the Wolfpack theme and letting us know that "Big Sexy in da" and then the crowd says something or other. "Whole lotta black and red goin' on as usual - wanted to give a little shout out tonight to Bill Goldberg - [crowd boos?] - six days from now, I'm gonna get the shot of a lifetime - I'm gonna get my shot to become the WCW World Champion. [pop] For the last year, we've all been watching Bill Goldberg's meteoric rise to stardom in WCW. Bill Goldberg is 173 and oh. What a lot of people don't know is at one time in my career, *I* was a World Champion - oh yeah! And during that year as World Champion, I had 197 title defenses and I didn't lose any of 'em. [Hey what about that last one to Bret Hart?] Bill Goldberg, I've been there. I've also been the Champion, I've been PULLED, I've been PUSHED into things. That's right, as the spokesman for the company, you're their poster boy. While you're doing TV Guide, I'm getting ready for you. While you're out doing your big motion picture, I'm getting ready for you. I've told you since this has started, Bill, that you need to do one thing - one thing only - and that's for you Bill Goldberg to stay focused. For nine years I've been making a living doing this. Chant it all you want folks - all I have to say is this, Bill, I've done everything you've done. The only thing I haven't done Bill, is I haven't beat you yet. And it's kind of ironic that what happened to the Nature Boy - and I hope everything's all right with him, but I'm gonna end with a little something that the Naitch made oh so famous - Bill Goldberg, to be the man, you gotta beat the man - and on Sunday night, I'm gonna kick YERASS!" Nash can say "ass" and not get beeped by the censorman, har har. You know what? This interview WORKED, and not for that smart stuff (ooh! He was WWF Champion! He can't refer to that!) but for the mark stuff (he was out doing TV Guide while Nash was getting READY for him!) - that mark stuff WORKS when it's done right. Good job, Bookerman.

WCW/NWO Revenge ad.

Closed captioning is brought to you buy the CLUB. (Huh?)

Plea for Nitro party tapes, even though for about four weeks, Tony's been telling us to have them sent in by the 15th. Okay.

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! Hey, they finally hired another sista! Must have gotten tired of me asking where Tayo was.

GENE O. works tonight! He welcomes RAVEN to the ring. He is accompanied by "KHRIS KANYON," maybe his first name is coming back in style. Gene says that Saturn told him that Raven's been in and out of therapy for years, and is he still in therapy? Raven declines to answer. Gene asks what's up with his mother showing up last week. Raven says she's only interested in getting her mug on television. "The only reason she showed up is she saw Judy Bagwell on TV, and figured it was her opportunity to be on television. I guess she figures if Judy Bagwell can be one half of the tag team champions, maybe she could spear Goldberg and become the World Champion." Kanyon taunts Raven, who promptly starts beating him up. MRS. LEVY comes out and tells "Scotty" not to hit her friend. "Scotty, you need to come home with me. Scotty, you need help. ... We need to come back and see the doctor, honey." She loves him, see, all they need to do is go back and see the doctor. Raven eventually agrees and they walk back. Oh, Kanyon has a cool shirt of him kickin' Santa's ass, too. Okay.

If you're like me, you're hoping that they can squeeze in one more interview before they turn the hour and RAW comes on. And sure enough, the opening strains of "Theme from NWO Nitro" can only mean two things; one, that I am going to be reminded of the Nitro where the NWO took over the show and put on one of the crappiest hours in history, and two, CRACKA EAZY-E is going to come out and kill some time. It's a close call, but I *think* Bischoff has the most television time in this hour (well, okay, maybe Putski and Finlay win). Next time he gets a haircut, he might as well just do the Bob Barker thing and let it all come in gray. Bischoff lets us all know how happy he is to be here tonight, and then "apologises" again, breaking out into that fake horse laugh. "You know, it's amazing to me, after what I did to his kid and that big wet one I put on his old lady-" hey, look, it's ARN ANDERSON and THE MAN coming in the building - you have to give them credit for once again trying to use Flair to keep us from changing the channel to RAW. This time it might work, Flair and Anderson are power walking to the ring. Next thing you know, we see CHRIS BENOIT & DEAN MALENKO, and all *four* of them are taking on SCOTT NORTON - and barely winning. Well, okay. Norton IS a world champion, I guess. Anderson has a big ol' stick, by the way. Bischoff is still talking about whatever as we watch Flair make his way to the entranceway. He rushes the ring and Bischoff says "Whoa!" and runs off - Flair follows and we follow them - and then lose them in the production trucks. Tenay: "I don't know about you guys but I don't NEED any doctor's update!" Hey, screw that, give me some damn details. Well, he's back and this is probably one of the loudest ovations you'll hear tonight. They're SALAAMING him! As they should. "Woooo! Bischoff - Windham - St. Louis - tonight, as God Woooo! is my witness ... and, on the graves of Bruiser Brody and Dick the Brusier, you ... will die ... in this arena, if I get my hands on you tonight, woooo!" The Horsemen theme plays and Ric walks away. Well, like, what was up with last week then? Was it a heart attack? Are you gonna TELL us? Dammit?

Second hour FIREWORKS! ("You got it easy / you don't know when you got it good")

Clip montage of Hart and Page for the US title, Giant chokeslamming DDP, Giant SUPERchokeslamming DDP, Hart winning the US Championship, Hart and Giant gloating (Hey, is Hart NWO or what?), Page taking a chair to Giant(scum), Hart offering Page another shot at the US title, Giant chairing Page before he can get to Hart, ripping the letters off the set and chokeslamming Page through the stage, while Hart smiles.

LIZMARK, JR. v. WRATH ATH - Lizmark stole Marty Jannetty's music! I'm guessing this match will end quickly after a Meltdown. Tony hopes against hope that we can somehow find some time in the remaining two hours to talk to Flair. "I apologise Wrath, and I apologise Lizmark, because I should be talking about your match. But nope!" Hey Tony, why bother AT ALL. Tony DOES manage to call a sidewalk slam without calling it a sidewalk slam, though, before going back to Flair worship. Outside the ring, Lizmark's head meets a chair. Here's a kinfe-edge chop (woooo!), they're back in - why is Wrath putting a rear chinlock on the man when he could just use the Meltdown and finish him off in under ten seconds? Lizmark gets an inside cradle for 2. Hey, I wonder if Wrath is maybe looking past Lizmark tonight. Ha ha, only kidding. Wrath with "oh what a move!" which Tenay identifies as the Death Penalty. Shoulderblock. FINALLY we are mercifully shown the Meltdown for the pin. (3:52)

Lee Marshall (gonna miss you Lee - nawt) narrates the Snickers Pin on a Map Road Report as Baltimore is the home Nitro next Monday!

Nitro Girl Calendar ad #2.

Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! And they're in Santa's Helpers outfits! And next week they'll be in Hamburger Helpers outfits!

Here's a crappy Nitro Party video, which manages to combine the excitement of watching Nitro with a group of friends with the excitement of - BOWLING. They shouldn't show people executing wrestling moves on these tapes - only TRAINED PROFESSIONALS should DDT opponents on a bowling alley floor!

THE LWO'S EDDIE GUERRERO (with El Anonymoso) v. REY MYSTERIO, JR. - Why do I feel like this match will end up in a screwjob? Eddie takes the mic and says that he's losing his patience with Rey - he taught Kidman a lesson, and now he's going to teach Rey a lesson. Then he says some stuff in Spanish, which I *believe* translates to "You got it! take it away" because he's a big Johnny Canales fan. Staredown to start. Eddie says "I'm the patrone, man! I'm the leader! You don't mess with me!" But Rey DOES mess with him. Lotsa punchin to start, elbows, off the ropes, quebrada, Eddie catches him, Rey rolls through and there's an armdrag, off the ropes, leapfrog, monkeyflip, dropkick, Eddie goes out after him, stops, Eddie pulls him off the apron into the railing. Kicks by Eddie on the outside. He's looking for a weapon - Rey pushed into the STEEL steps. Eddie smacks him around, then leads him by the mask back into the ring. Tony tries to explain how Eddie is right, completely ignoring how Eddie is putting himself above everybody else in the LWO. Sigh, nice try Tone. Waistlock into a brainbuster for 2. Gory special! Helicoptering him around, Eddie is the coolest. Standing figure four is applied, now a knee in the back as Eddie grabs an arm. Rey finally grabs a rope to break the hold. Eddie poses to the crowd - Rey on the apron, Eddie to suplex him back in, NO! Rey reverses and Eddie is suplexed to the floor. Eddie's bodyguard checking on his man. Rey with a whip, Eddie reverses and Rey hits the barricade HARD. Back in the ring we go. Eddie drives the back into the turnbuckle, sets him on the rope, climbs to the top - Frankensteiner for 2. Very fluid, that. Camel clutch - he's ripping the mask! We can see bits of his face! That's the ultimate insult and all that. Tenay is shocked (after he figures out that he should be shocked). Eddie rains blows on the back of Rey's head and then yells "don't mess with me!" German suplex looks VERY painful. Seated dropkick between the shoulders. Rey manages to kick Eddie as he's stalking him, but Eddie pokes the eyes. Snapmare by Guerrero, step on the head and twist. Rey should submit, you know. Off the ropes, Rey springs off and hits a huracanrana. Eddie steps out, and when Rey turns his back, Eddie comes back in and clips the knee. Now he's elbowdropping on the bad knee, another, three, deathlock with a bridge! 1, 2, no. Rey continues on the knee. Rey headbutts up and Eddie pounds him down. Crowd is getting louder (or they've turned it up) As Eddie puts him in another submission hold I have long since forgotten the name of, we take a break. Oh yeah, that's an STF, isn't it. Okay.

Starrcade promo.

When we come back, Rey's in another hold, but he rolls through into a victory roll for 2. Eddie rolls back for ANOTHER 2. Brainbuster by Eddie. He's climbing to the top - Rey rolls out so Eddie tumbles through and hits a lariat. Rey is tied to the Tree of Woe and Eddie kicks and dropkicks mercilessly. A baseball slide goes a little too far when Rey lifts himself up and Eddie crotches himself on the post. As Eddie goes out into the waiting arms of his bodyguard, Rey climbs to the top and hits a MASSIVE plancha from the top to the floor on both men. Rey rolls Eddie back in and hits a springboard - nothing, as Eddie steps aside the dropkick attempt. Eddie with a takedown for 2. Head to the buckle. Chop (woooo!), Eddie's calling spots! I know "the secret!" Right hand, right hand, Rey blocks and hits elbows of his own, whip, reverse, Rey catapults him over to the post. Rocker dropper by Rey. Rey up to the top - 'rana! Eddie slides through to the outside - Rey hits a baseball slide, catches Eddie's head and hits ANOTHER rana on the outside. Rey throws him back in - springboard somersault cannonball for 2 - Eddie rolls it forward for 2 of his own. Eddie catches Rey and flapjacks him. BRUTAL powerbomb for 2. Oh man. Eddie picks him up for some more, but Eddie turns it into an armdrag, crucifix - no, head scissors for 2. Eddie got the rope. Rey whips, reverse, reversal into referee "Blind" Charles Robinson. Oh no. Tiltawhirl backbreaker by Guerrero. Bodyguard has Rey - dropkick misses as Rey ducks and the bodyguard takes it. Rey with a springboard facebuster. But there's nobody to make the count. KIDMAN is out on the apron and asking Rey to give him a free shot - you know what happens now - Eddie ducks and Kidman PASTES Mysterio with a right hand. Eddie covers and Robinson is back up. The bodyguard holds back Kidman as the three count is made. Now, that - THAT was a great match. (16:13) The rest of the LWO comes in and celebrates as Kidman takes Rey out of there. That was a GREAT match. That was a great MATCH.

Goldberg will be at Starrcade. No way! You think?

WCW/NWO Magazine ad.

As Bobby Heenan joins the commentary team, SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER is out to kill my buzz from that last match. Steiner says "the Show Me State of St. Louis, Missouri" and Tony corrects him saying, "it's a city," probably forgetting that is was only a short time ago that HE said Houston was a state. Steiner adds "hooches" to his jargon, which I *believe* is actually pronounced "hoochies," Scott. Steiner says he's got Mark McGwire tonight, and I immediately think BUFF BAGWELL, and I am not disappointed. Or rather, I am *completely* disappointed, as Buff, dressed as Mark McGwire, comes out on a tricycle driven by the NWO referee. Geez, that wig and facial hair doesn't even look CLOSE to McGwire - that's either the intention, or WCW is just being unintentionally cheesy as always. Censorman tries to bleep "hell" but it doesn't work. McGwire can't get through the interview without swigging some androstene, and saying "there's no way in (censor) I can hit 70 homeruns without it." Long story short, Steiner tries to set the Cardinals shirt and cap on fire and fails - no wait, the hat IS set on fire, okay. The uni is thrown to the crowd. Hey, can you SHOW someone setting a baseball cap on fire on television? And will MLB sue Turner for not getting permission to use their trademarks?

The Awesome 3 talk about Goldberg and Kevin Nash to kill a little time.

THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC NORMAN SMILEY (yellow) v. FORMER WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPION PRINCE IAUKEA - Smiley says "who'syoredaddy?" a lot on his way to the ring. Prince attacks before the bell, whip is reversed, back elbow and plancha misses but he grabs the leg and gets a 2. Smiley says "enough of this" and takes charge. Slaps resound throughout the arena. Prince goes behind, but Smiley holds the ropes and shakes him off. Then he does the Dance. Iaukea tries to take him down again and again Smiley punches him out. There's the Dance again. Iaukea with an eyepoke. Grabs the leg, trips him to the mat, head to the back of the leg. Samoan drop! 1, 2, no. Is he trying the chickenwing? yup - it works the second time. (1:49) Heenan dubs the Dance "the Smiley," and who am I to argue with the Brain?

Five minutes early, the FIREWORKS signal the start of the THIRD HOUR OF NITRO! ("It's getting harder / Just keeping life and soul together")

FAR OUT VAN HAMMER v. BARRY WINDHAM - hey, if Windham is NWO, why does he come out to different music? Will this match end before the third hour officially begins? Yup. THE MAN runs to the ring and jumps Windham (no contest, no bell, about :40) and takes it to him big time. No O at all for Barry. Flair tosses him out of the ring and now he's at the barricade. Chop (woooo!), blatant Golotta, eyepoke, head to the barricade again. Finally Windham fights back - they're toe-to-toe. Flair BIGTIME to the eyes and I *believe* Windham actually says something that the censorman NEEDED to mute there. Whip into the barricade. Chop (woooo!). Flair decks a ref but the camera misses it. Windham back in the ring and begging off - Windham gets some moves in but they don't faze Flair at all. More chops (woooo!) and a right for good measure. Another Golotta and Tony's - excited. Knee to the groin! Flair opens every orifice in Barry's head a little bit wider. Flair with punches (oh, zoom out, you're RUINING the effect!) in bunches. Flair removes the vest and chops again (woooo!) One more low blow, and more punches, rights and lefts, chop (woooo!), Riverdance, Flair to the groin again - Flair sets him up for Shattered Dreams - VINCENZO is out and Flair get him with a back elbow and a knee to the groin. ARN ANDERSON is out to take care of Vincent while Flair goes back to Windham. BRIAN ADAMS & HORACE walk out way too slowly, so that means that CHRIS BENOIT & DEAN MALENKO are able to attack from behind. Tony says this is one of the greatest, one of the most electric moments in the history of this program, which totally kills it for me. The fight continues into the back and FINALLY security is out to try and separate them. Some cops out with them too. Tony says something is wrong when Bischoff can violate Flair's family on THUNDER! without anyone stopping them and yet the Horsemen are being cuffed here. A "Dammit" just misses the mute button (oops). The Man is in the ring. "Bischoff! For twenty-five years, for whatever I've been, good or bad, I've been a man you s(mute)itch. And good or bad, I can walk in the door of my house and know that those kids and that wife forgave me for everything I ever did wrong, because they depended on me to live day in and day out. And you - you start out, you come in here, you promise me the world, and then, you take my career, you try to shitcan that, that didn't work, because they, right here, forty thousand, wouldn't letcha do it! Then, you put your lawyers on me, and you know what? You damn near(mute) broke me. But I went right to the wire, fought you every step of the way. I gave in, I came back, not 'cause of you, but because my little boy, ten years old, walked up to me and said 'Dad, why don't you just beat (mute - "the hell") out of Bischoff and get back in the world. He didn't understand politics, he didn't understand lawyers, but he understands that every day of his life, his dad has said two things to him. Never quit, promise me as long as I'm alive you will never quit, and last Thursday night you stepped over the line, and I almost quit! I almost couldn't live it, because you put your hands on my children, you kissed my wife, you no good rotten bastard - what do you think my kids felt when they went to school, embarrassed? No. Shocked? No. You stepped over the line! You took something-" and CRACKA EAZY-E is out. Bischoff gets about five words out before Ric rushes him, but DOUG DILLENGER and about a dozen security guys block the way. They escort Flair, who is LIVID, off the stage. I think they almost break his wrist in the process (lame security drones!) trying to cuff him. Flair swears creatively, and promises "as God is my witness - I - WILL - KILL - YOU ..."

JERRY FLYNN v. BOOKER T. ("aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!") - Lockup, to the corner, clean break. Tony promises to call the Flair/Bischoff match with more emotion that he's ever called, oh boy where's my piggy bank. Lockup, wristlock, armdrag, back elbow by Flynn to counter. Whip, reverse, duck, flying jalapeno by Booker T. Forearm, whip, back elbow by Booker T. Kick, whip, head down, Flynn manages a kick. Flynn with a whip and a back elbow. Kneedrop looks good. Flynn taunts the crowd. Martial arts kicks. Whip is reversed but Flynn knocks him down, we're back and forth off the ropes, Flynn ducks his head for half an hour so Booker T. can hit his axe kick. Tenay says "hell" and gets muted (at least I think it was "hell," he didn't get muted a second time so maybe it was something a little worse. God, this censoring crap sucks rocks. Oops, better mute the word "sucks," WCW fascists). Spinebuster from Booker T. Side suplex, breakdance, top rope missile dropkick, 1, 2, 3. (2:27)

Starrcade promo highlights Goldberg.

Promotional consideration paid for by America (ha!) Online, Slim Jim again, and Tiger SportsFeel electronic games. Guess all the ad contracts expired.

KENNY KAOS v. THE NARCISSIST - Kaos doesn't have the belt tonight, because he's going to job. Big lockup, to the rope, Lex with the big clean break. Big lockup, to the rope, big power out, big dueling hiptoss attempts and Lex's hits. Big lockup, big side headlock, Kaos powers out, leapfrog, knee, bodyslam! Kaos does the Wolfpack goofy dance to mock Luger, and it's pretty funny; I guess Kaos is the heel in this matchup. Big lockup, holy shit, was that a WRESTLING SEQUENCE from Luger? Big gobehind to the big wristlock, Kaos with the back elbow to get out. Whip, big duck, big gut kick, big bodyslam. Kaos rakes the face. Gutshot, atomic drop. Another elbow and Kaos gets 2. Fieldgoal kick by Kaos. Choke on the second rope. Half hour slam from Kaos. Legdrop from the second rope for 2. Does Luger ALWAYS let his opponenets get about nine minutes of offense before pulling the Torture Rack out of his ass? Yes. Yes, he does. To the corner, knee from Kaos, whip into the opposite corner, big back elbow put up. Oh, big clothesline. Big clothesline. Big Ace toolbox forearm shiver. Time for the big Rack, but ROBBIE RAGE is out to distract Kaos just long enough to get put in the big Torture Rack unwittingly (4:40). Luger leaves the ring and Rage says "never mind about Luger" and goes into his big spiel concluding with the long lost quote "check yo'self before you wreck yo'self" and before Kaos can say his piece, we're off to the ad break.

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! And Whisper is doing the EXACT OPPOSITE moves as the rest of them!

Aw, fuck, it's "Konnan's Music Video." Thankfully, only a brief snippet of it. Unfortunately, it's a segue to

KONNAN v. ACHTUNG ACHTUNG HIER IST ALEX WRIGHT for the World Television title - K-Dawg shows his mastery of rap by rhyming "yay" and "yeah-yay." Before finishing up his promise to Wright that he'll have him "toss my salad," (umm wouldn't that make Konnan gay?) DISCO INFERNO comes out warns Konnan that Wright has gone nuts, I mean, he's telling him now that they're friends and all. Konnan says "we ain't nuttin - and you need to take that shirt off - you ain't Pac" and he accuses Disco of perpetratin'. Disco says Big Sexy GAVE him that shirt. "Are you calling me a liar? ... Show me some love, holmes. I'll tell you what, we'll go talk to Nash after this match and I'll PROVE to you I'm in the Wolfpack." Disco, he funny. Attendance is announced at 32,538 - now is that REALLY a record? Well, I'll buy it I guess. Lockup, Wright with an arm wringer and he hits the back of the arm with the elbow. Slam and Wright poses. Wright with a kick and a wristlock, Konnan reverses and takes him down. Some of that mat wrestling stuff, Konnan with a 2. Konnan and Luger both have the same style of offense, let the other guy pummel on you for fifteen minutes and then pull our your finisher for no apparent reason and win the match. As Wright takes a powder on the outside, we take an ad break.

This portion of the match is brought to you by 10-10-321!

Wright has a wristlock on when we get back and he's riding him. Konnan is right at the rope but doesn't grab it, whatever. Up we go, whip into the corner, Konnan with an inside cradle for 2. Wright beats him down. Wright throws him outside. Pose to the crowd. Konnan gets back in and Wright stomps on him on the way in. Some sort of leglock, which doesn't look painful at all I might add - Konnan tries to put an arm on the face and fails. Snapmare by Wright, kick. To the top rope - but Konnan pops up and shakes his balls. Wright runs at him and misses, Konnan comes back with a shot, seated dropkick for 2. Tumblin' clothesline for 2. Konnan with a nonpainful submission hold of his own. Is that a "boring" chant? Whip, reverse, Konnan goes behind and drops him for 2. Tony says he's heard nothing from a doctor, but it seems like Flair is ready to wrestle Sunday. Konnan with a gutshot and a facebuster. Tequila sunrise can't come soon enough. (9:03) Konnan and Chris Jericho have a TV title return match at Starrcade. Wright throws a fit afterwards for no apparent reason, then takes a swing at referee "Blind" Scott Dickinson with a chair (but misses). Meanwhile, CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO is out and waffling Konnan with the TV title. Jericho slams Konnan to the mat, lays the belt across his face and hits a Lionsault on the belt! Oh but yes! Jericho does his whooping crane dance and applies the Arrogant Cover but there's no count. "Arriba Los Jericho!" Jericho pastes him with the belt again, then puts it on. Jericho with some kicks, and he walks out with the belt, having Ralphus do the snaps on the belt again.

DISCO INFERNO comes out. If he was REALLY Wolfpack, wouldn't he come out to their music instead of his? "Cut the music - cut the music. Apparently, I gotta prove that I can wear these colours, so I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna challenge, tonight, anybody from the black and white to come out here and face me man to man. I don't care if it's Vincent, I don't care if it's Horace, h(mute)ll, send Bagwell out here, he ain't worked in eight months, but send SOMEBODY." Hey, WHY BOTHER WITH A TV-PG RATING IF "HELL" HAS TO BE MUTED?

DISCO INFERNO v. GIANT - look at Disco gulp. But he stays in there. Disco runs at him and is swatted away. Repeat and Disco falls outside. Disco grabs the leg, Giant stomps and Disco falls away. Disco tries again and gets a right hand. Disco kicks at him and get air. Big slap from the Giant. Giant said "ass" but the censor didn't hear it. Disco lands some kicks but they have no effect. Kick from the Giant, dangerously low headbutt between the legs. Giant stands on his head. Disco ducks a punch, tries a Chartbuster - but Giant holds onto him and tosses him across the ring. Giant motions for the chokeslam - sets Disco on the top turnbuckle and HITS the superchokeslam. 1, 2, 3. (2:58) Tell me, please, what does this match accomplish? Giant takes the mic. "Page, Page, where art thou, Page? After what I did to you, probably layin' somewhere dead. But Dallas, I'll give you a lot of credit, you're a hard workin' man. You call yourself a (?) the People's Champion - you look on your arm - you've got a dead man's hand, and that's exactly what you are when you show up at Starrcade, because being the bug that you are, I'm gonna grab a hold of you, and I'm gonna pull an arm off, I'm gonna pull a leg off, I'm gonna pull your head off, and I'm gonna give you more pain than you can ever imagine. And when it's all said and done, being the cockroach that you are, you're slimy, I'm gonna put you right under my thumb, and I'm gonna mash, because the roaches check in, but with the Giant, they don't check out." "Hey fathead! You lookin' for me? I won't be hard to find come Starrcade! Yeah, last Monday you might have taken me down, being the 500 pound gorilla you are-" ah screw it, it ain't worth it. Page is all jacked up, you know. Page says one of the verboten words "hell" and gets muted. Giant will feel the... Giant fumes.

Well, by my watch it's about 45 seconds to the hour, so hell, let's go ahead and have MICHAEL BUFFER kill yet more time. Hey, get Hall some music already, wouldja? Hell, give him the old Dungeon of Doom music, that'd be cool. How many T-shirts will Goldberg sell after he loses the belt, huh? I calculate about thirty seconds for the match before this is all said and done. Oh boy this'll suck...

(bill "173-0") GOLDBERG v. SCOTT HALL in a nontitle match - Lockup, Goldberg pushes him away. Referee "Blind" Billy Silverman told Hall how much time was left in the show, and you could tell he wasn't happy about it. Lockup, Hall gets his grab the arm and shoulderblock him spot, Goldberg with an arm wringer, knee to the gut, fireman's carry takeover. Hall with headlock, Goldberg powers out and Hall runs into him and falls to the mat. Everybody's standing - oh look, it's BIG POOCHIE come out to tell us we're out of time. Oh no, he's just a spectator, okay. Hal tries to whip Goldberg out, no, eyepoke. Goldberg picks him up anyway and powerslams him. Goldberg says "that's for you" to Nash, then "we can go right now if you want" and turns to Nash. This allows Hall to attack from behind and actually do a little damage - fallaway slam! NO, Goldberg pops right up. Spear. Nash pulls Hall out of the ring while Goldberg sticks his tongue out at the crowd. Hmm, BAM BAM BIGELOW is in and pounding on Goldberg. Hall & Nash walk away and we leave extra late at 11:07. Good night everybody! See you at Starrcade!