I hope everybody had a good Christmas, or Chanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or Solstice, or Voodoo Day! I got the most AMAZING present from my father - I don't know where or how he manages to find this stuff, but I have an ORIGINAL, still in plastic and attached to long card cassette of "Hulk RULES" by Hulk Hogan's Wrestling Boot Band or whatever the hell they're called - it's at my apartment and I'm not, sorry. Still, I'm afraid to open it for fear of damaging it's collector's value (ha!). Nah, screw that - I simply MUST hear "American Made" and "that song that Evad Sullivan used for a while" one more time! Anyway, when I remember to stop being lazy, I'll scan the longcard for you and you can enjoy the good ol' red & yellow Hulkster as much as I'm sure I do. But enough of the past when there's so much happening in the present...

We have a new World Heavyweight Champion, and a first ever loss for Goldberg. So how do YOU think we start the show? That's right, a shot of "LAST NIGHT - AFTER STARRCADE" with Bischoff, Bagwell, Steiner, and Hennig gloating over Bischoff's (tainted) pinfall victory over Ric Flair. I'll withhold comment.

Opening credits - at the opening! Can they FINALLY be getting it right?

We are LIVE for Monday Nitro 28.12.98 from the Baltimore Arena in Baltimore, MD, rated TV-PG-DV and broadcast on TNT! Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and thelivinglegend Larry Zbyszko. The Treacherous Three talk about Bischoff's victory and how it came down - well, actually all they talk about is that the Horsemen were barred from the building - I guess you should buy the replay to find out what REALLY happened (and if you do, you're a fool). Also, it's announced that Kevin Nash is now the Heavyweight Champion, albeit it with a little help. Tonight, we'll show you - well, we're interrupted by

Let's Take A Special Look at Eric Bischoff - because production values are EXPENSIVE and you can't just run a package one week. Fast forward!

"The Eric Bischoff piece that's been - very notorious - in this sport." Huh? Commentators talk a bit more about Starrcade, which happened last night by the way.

Thanks to WCW Magazine - here are still shots of Ric Flair and Eric Bischoff - "but Eric Bischoff knows karate" - Curt Hennig made a triumphant return by passing a set of knux to Bischoff, who clocked Flair to get the pin.

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by 1-800-COLLECT! Call somebody who cares!

First hour FIREWORKS!

Here's the moment we've all been waiting for - the last winning Nitro party video! (of the year, or of all time? Let's hope.) I feel like I've seen this video before...

Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! Tony tells us that next week's Nitro from Atlanta will be the "biggest Nitro of 1999," which can only be a letdown for the rest of the year...coming up The Cat, Chavo Jr., Fit Finley, Booker T., and probably some other stuff. Oh, and a "live satellite hookup" with Ric Flair's doctor. Only THREE WEEKS LATE.

CAT (with Sonny Onoo) come out while Tenay lets us know that it takes Scott Hall and a taser to defeat Goldberg, and that tradition got a slap in the face when Bischoff got the victory, and golly, that brand new variation of the Diamond Cutter was awesome (no it wasn't), and Kidman is definitely the man (yes he is). Crowd chants "you suck" until they get turned down. "I want all you people to shut up and sit down! Now, you people should be glad to see me out here, because you know that I'm the greatest. And the way some of you guys look, man are you ugly!" Anyway, he's the greatest, he can whup anybody, you know, call his momma, &c. For an unknown reason, CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO comes out and talks about "Ernest Mills" looking for a suitable opponent - and RALPHUS has brought SHIIMU NOBUNAGA to his attention (Jericho calls him "Shamanamadingdong") and they'll be happy to watch his back in this match.

CAT (with Sonny Onoo) v. SHIIMU NOBUNAGA (with Chris Jericho and JPS Ralphus) - Cat keeps the mic the whole time he's kicking the man - Jericho and Ralphus take off, deciding maybe they were wrong after all. I only have one question. WHY did Chris Jericho come out for this? WHY? WHY? WHY? Roundhouse kick totally misses but Nobunaga sells it like he just died. 1, 2, 3. (1:15) WHY? WHY? WHY?

WHY?

Still shots of Nash and Goldberg - the "Super Heavyweight match of all time" - Hall, dressed as Security, says "IIIIIIYAAAAAAAAMDAMOWWWWWNTEEEEEEEE" and provides the Shock Stick (which, oh by the way, had a TAPED end which they showed on camera - sigh) which provides the Old School epileptic seizure for the pinfall.

WHY was Chris Jericho in that last bit?

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, America (ha!) Online (who sent me another coaster today), and (watching Nitro is like going through) "Armageddon."

Big Sexy T-shirt ad is neither Big nor Sexy. Discuss.

Let Us Take You Back Two Weeks as Ric Flair collapses to the mats and is taken out on a stretcher. Tonight, stay tuned, and some time during "RAW is WAR" we'll talk to Flair's doctor!

THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC NORMAN SMILEY (powder blue) v. CHAVO GUERRERO, JR. (con Pepe) - "Who is your daddy?" People in the crowd are emulating the "doin' it in da butt and smackin' my bitch up" dance. Stay tuned as we get exciting video of Mrs. Levy and Raven and therapy - isn't it bad enough that we have to put up with all kinds of expository crap in the WWF without having to watch it here? Oops, sorry. Before the lockup, Chavo strikes a pose. Then Smiley strikes a pose. Enough with the pec flex! Chavo talks to the horse. Lockup, Smiley with some mat stuff, armdrag, armwringer, Chavo flips up and HE hits an arm wringer. Whip, shoulderblock by Smiley. Dancing whips the crowd into a frenzy. Still on the man, forearm, whip, duck, Chavo hits a dropkick, armdrag, dropkick and Smiley is out of the ring. Chavo busts a funky move of his own, then rides Pepe around the ring. Smiley is nonplussed. Eyepoke on his way in - Chavo blocks the punches but hits the ones of his own. European uppercut, chop (woo!), whip, reversal, Chavo still manages a 'rana counter. To the ropes - Smiley drops him on his head. Back to the dance. Smiley with the swoop slam - a scoop slam with that swoop beforehand. HIAWATHA POSE! European forearm. Chop (woooo!), again (woooo!) Snapmare into a chinlock, now he steps over his arm and pulls back on the leg, while pushing on the head with the other hand. I hereby dub it "submission hold." Off the ropes, Chavo slides through, back and forth, Sunset flip attempt - Smiley does the dance, picks him up with a double choke, but Chavo rolls through for a 2 count. Back elbow by Smiley. Larry dubs the dance "the Big Wiggle" and the commentators love it. Smiley stompin' all over the man. Vertical suplex for 2. Headscissors, not for long. Kneedrop. Dance. "Come to Daddy, Pepe!" He's doin' Pepe in da butt and smackin' him up! Wow, Chavo's mad now. You can't just sodomize a man's stick horse and expect to get away with it! Back bodydrop! Chop (woooo!), backslap! Head to the buckle. Springboard bulldog! Chavo with "the little wiggle." Foot to the face. Pepe placed black on his perch, when Chavo turns around Smiley hits a lariat. Norman again has Pepe and is again saying "Who's your daddy" to the horse. Guerrero drapes Smiley on the top rope and pulls hard. Zbyszko: "That'll turn him into a gelding." Guerrero picks him up and kinda belly-to-back suplexes him to the mat. Again Chavo is trying to take care of Pepe, Smiley up from behind with the crossface chickenwing - body scissors is on - Chavo has to drop Pepe and tap. (7:42) Smiley does Pepe in da butt one more time than bitchslaps him to the matt. Well, now Smiley is the pushed guy and Chavo is a jobber with a stickhorse. Still, despite ALL that, this was a pretty good match - a pretty good "first hour of Nitro" match, mind you, not a "pay money to see it on PPV" match like WCW would usually think.

The Adventures of Raven, Mrs. Levy, and Kanyon at the Levy Estates - Momma acts like a mother, Raven whines, Kanyon gawks at the opulent splendor, I wait for it to end.

THREE HOURS OF THREE YEARS! BEST OF NITRO IS TOMORROW! YOU MUST TAPE IT! YOU MUST! ONLY ON TURNER NETWORK TELEVISION! If it's half as good as those WCW All-Nighters (and it should be, it's half as long), it's probably a keeper, so tape it!

Starrcade Encores litter your PPV channels all week long!

WCW/NWO Superstar series present Sting and Randy Savage. It's ALMOST like seeing them on Nitro!

FIT FINLAY v. BOOKER T. - Coming up tonight, exciting interviews with Kevin Nash, Ric Flair, oh and maybe a match or two - tonight, Scott Steiner takes on Konnan (who will I root for? Stay tuned!), then something will happen with Lex Luger standing by. Finlay attacks before the bell and it's own like neckbone. Short clothesline. Boot to the head, step on the hand, big ol' smackin', elbowdrop, kick, Finlay is the man. Through the ropes to the outside and he follows. Booker T. comes back with kicks to the gut, forearm, head to the timekeeper's table, BT is the man. Finlay with a throat shot as they go back in and he's back in control. Point of the elbow to the nose. Scoop slam for 2. Chinlock is applied. Booker T. is up and out of it. Eyepoke by Finlay to stop that comeback. Choke on the second rope. Finlay goes outside and dops his neck on the corner of the apron. Elbowdrop on the neck. Finlay has a chair but referee "Blind" Mickey Jaye won't let that go. Back in we go, shoulderblock for Finlay, back and forth, over and under, Booker T. hits a flying jalapeno. Requisite "Finlay holds the ropes until he's dragged and he flies" spot. Quasi-lariat by T. Harlem sidekick. Knee to the abdomen, again, Finlay counters with a jawbreaker. European forearm. Slap to the face (ooh!). Another forearm and T. goes down again. Elbow to the Breathe-Rite. Jawbreaker. These guys should wrestle to a draw. Whip, T jumps up when he charges and there's a nifty rollup but only 2. Finlay back to the big shots. Whip, reversal, feet up by Finlay, short clothesline takes him down, 1, 2, no. Whip, duck, kick ducked, lariat ducked, kick blocked, atomic drop by Finlay, clothesline takes him out of the ring. What a sequence! Shoved back in, Finlay climbs the ropes, stopping to jaw with the crowd. T. pops up and tosses him across the ring. Harlem leg lariat! Kinda. Missile dropkick! 1, 2, 3. That match rocked my world, too bad there had to be a loser. (6:52) 10-10-321 brings you the replay.

Lee Marshall narrates the Snickers Pin on a Map Road Report - next Monday, Atlanta is the home of Nitro! Then you never hear from Marshall again!

Still shots of Bischoff and Flair - didn't I SEE these already?

GENE O. works tonight! "He was on his way to Ronald Reagan National Airport" but he changed his mind - here is THE MAN, luggage in tow, and it would be cynical of me to note that RAW starts in five minutes and I bet this interview lasts seven or eight. He starts off, almost SEDATE: "Oh, man, you know Gene - thank you - all I can say is thank you, but you know what? The truth is, all this, I don't deserve it - I got my ass kicked last night, and dammitall I'm ashamed of it. You know, and Baltimore knows me, hell I know Baltimore, but I - what am I gonna say? I got in the car last night, I went back to the hotel, I called Arn Anderson, I said 'Arn, brother, it's over,' I got drunk, I woke up today, I said 'it's over,' I called my wife, she said 'get home, it's over,' I got on the plane, I sat down, the flight attendant said, 'what do you want, Mr. Flair?' I said 'hell, I wanna go to Baltimore,' and that's what I did. So Bischoff, wherever you are, and brother, right now you're the man, I'm askin' you and Baltimore, eighteen thousand strong, and twenty million people to hear me out for the very last time. Mean Gene, who made this coat? Hugo Boss, Armani? You said I'm broke, hell, why I'm just starting, jack." He throws it to the canvas, and then he takes off his sweater. "Who made this, Perry Ellis?" and throws it down. He goes into the luggage. "This is how I travel, you jackass! I'm custom made from head to toe, have been and always will be, you jackass!" And then he dumps them in a pile in the ring. "That's me! I've lived the life of a king because the people have allowed me to!" He takes off his belt. "Two thousand dollars, alligator, it's YOURS!" Watch. "Thirty thousand dollars! Gold Rolex! It's yours!" He takes out a stack of hundreds and rips them in half saying "Yours! Yours! Yours!" He takes his Gucci shoes and throws them in the crowd. "Bischoff, I ain't leavin'-" and he removes his pants, then dances in his boxers and drops an elbow. "I ain't leavin' Baltimore ... 'til you and I get something straight! I'm telling you Bischoff, I will leave the wrestling world forever! I will sign my house, my cars, whatever money I have, I'll sign it over to you, I will give you the satisfaction of saying ya RAPED the Nature Boy, if you have the you-know-what, to walk the aisle here tonight one more time. BUT, BUT, the one stipulation that I'm beggin' you - God, I'm begging you Bischoff - be a man - if I - the grace of the good Lord, woooo! I beat you, I get to run WCW for ninety days. And the first thing I'm gonna do is take your head out of Hogan's ass. Woooo! You have had Turner blindfolded, you're a scammer, you're a scheme, you've got the brain of a pissant, and you run an empire. You're not smart - it's tradition! It's Goldberg! It's Nash. It's the Four Horsemen. It's the Stiners - Luger - Sting - and all of us that have bled, and sweat - hell." And he takes out a set of cuffs. "Bischoff - I ain't goin' home" - cuffs himself to the top rope "until you get your ass out here, come on!" Okerlund says it's break time, real quick like. "Bischoff, you turn the camera off, and I'll be naked when you come back." Schiavone DARES us to change the channel, and I go ahead and do it. Fortunately, I have a VCR, so I'll be back with you later.

Best of Nitro ad.

When we come back, Flair is not naked (whew!) "Meeeeeeeeeean - woooo! - by God! Geeeeeeeeeeene! Bischoff, you gutless, nothin' happenin', worthless, overbearing-" and the theme from NWO Nitro plays, which means that CRACKA EAZY-E is out. Is he limping? Tony: "Is this one of the most memorable moments in the history of live televised wrestling or what? I mean, I don't know what to say." Hey, Tony, why don't you just SHUT THE HELL UP. Eric is saying "I gotta do it" on the way down. The censor finally mutes a "God damn" so we know he's still on the switch. Bischoff says that beatin' up his kid, kissin' his old lady, ruining his career has all been great, but nothing is better than literally taking all of his money. Flair gets a good line - "when I die of a heart attack, it'll be on your girlfriend." After a few more minutes of this, Bischoff says "you want it, you got it. You're on." "I pray to God, that if I lose my career, end my career, or die tonight, it's gon' be, with me having a piece of your ass" and he lunges at him. "We're booked, pal! You're a dead man! You're a dead man!"

Closed captioning where avaible (eh?) sponsored by JollyTime popcorn.

Nitro Girls calendar ad.

Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! Here's a solo by "Storm," the new Nitro Girl - a former Miss Black America - and this is the BEST gig she could get.

Tony tells us this Flair/Bischoff thing is undoubtedly the most important match in the history of this program.

BARRY WINDHAM v. PRINCE IAUKEA - not only should this match be considered a main event anywhere in the country, but you might say it's a PPV-Calibre Quality matchup! Of course, YOU might say that. If you're me, you'll probably say that THIS MATCH IS THE PRETZELS! (bulldog 3:56) Give Windham credit for NEVER REMOVING HIS VEST.

Still shots of Nash and Goldberg - didn't I already see THIS set of photos?

Gene O. stands with TOM ATCHINSON, member of WCW Security and Sargeant of the SWAT team. They show off the cattleprod - the *stun stick* - that was confiscated backstage after Starrcade. Speaking as if he were an expert witness in a big-time Trial of the Century, he explains that it's super powerful and no longer used by law enforcement as it's got too much power. He kinda show us a couple sparks but we don't get a good look. Gene asks if that shock stick is what cost Goldberg his title, and he says "oh, indubitably" or something.

Souled Out spot. It's Sunday, 17 January. What, during the Conference Championship games? Oh, I don't know about that scheduling move.

WCW/NWO Revenge for the Nintendo ad.

Gene O. brings us DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE. Oh boy, that brand new Diamond Cutter variation was one exciting, breathtaking manoeuvre. Give me a break. Page walks to the ring through the crowd 'cause he's a suckup. There's a black cloud hanging over some Starrcade matches from last night - Flair/"Sleazy" E was one, Scott Hall zapping Goldberg with that stun stick was one. Page urges Nash to do the right thing - geez, you can hear him inhale and everything. Page says he'd love to work for Flair. Then something ending with feeling the

We go backstage to see Konnan and Disco Inferno arguing about something, then Luger and Nash show up - then Nash blames Disco for ruining his shot at being a legit champ. Huh? Oh well. Nash says if he wants to be in, they'll arrange a little match for him (Nash can do this, you see, because he carries the book) later tonight. Nash hints at an interview to come. By the way, how has LUGER lived the thug life? Disco says he took a grenade for Nash, so Nash calls him "Sgt. Ryan." Who is Disco's opponent? Stay tuned...

Still shots of last night's triangle match for the Cruiserweight title - the BEST match of the show, by far. Kidman wins despite Eddie Guerrero's interference. Eddie went on to also lose to Kidman. Kidman is DA MANG.

EDDIE GUERRERO & JUVENTUD GUERRERA (with El Anonymoso) v. REY MYSTERIO, JR. & (billy) KIDMAN - Eddie is still pretty angry with Juvi and just about abusive with the man. Rey still comes down carrying the LWO shirt and tonight he comes out to the LWO music. Rey and Eddie start. Eddie takes charge, back and forth, charge, knocks him down. Side powerbomb (?), steps on the face and twists, "Eddie sucks," UP and over, reverse, back and forth, shoulderblock, leapfrog, over we go, back and forth, Mexican armdrag, titlawhirl backbreaker, Eddie crawls over to referee "Blind" Charles Robinson and gives him a big hug. Rough tag to Juvi. He's fired up but Eddie is kind lacklustre in his response. Rey tags to Kidman and Juvi begs off. Clothesline takes him down, repeat, Big time pounding and Kidman mocks the "diggin' the grave" miming. Juventud changes the momentum with a bulldog. Juvi offers the tag but Eddie demurs. Juvi kisses him on the cheek. Chop (woooo!), chop (woooo!), whip into the opposite corner, Kidman ducks a splash and hits a belly-to-back suplex. Tag, whip into the opposite corner, Rey with a bronco buster. Eddie comes in and drapes himself on top of the top rope. Juvi is a little miffed at this. Eddie talks to Juvi, they shake hands, then rush their opponenets. Eddie on Kidman, Juvi on Rey. Big suplex from Eddie. Bodyslam from Juvi. Chop from Eddie (woooo!), chop from Juvi (woooo!). Double whip doesn't happen - Kidman reverses, Rey goes over the top rope.Back bodydrop by Kidman on Rey, rana by Juvi on Kidman, springboard dropkick by Rey on Juvi's back which sends Juvi to clothesline himself and Eddie out of the ring. Double somersault!! Kidman and Juvi go back in the ring and we take an ad break.

When we come back, they're exiting the resthold phase, hopefully. Kidman is up and out of the headlock. Eyepoke from Juvi, to the corner, whip into the opposite corner, Juvi straddles as Kidman steps aside. Bulldog from Kidman and both men are down. Both men reaching, both men tag. Rey gets the early advantage, then dropkicks Eddie, Juvi reverses a whip, Rey tries a 'rana and instead it's a pin attempt (oops, he's not the legal man) but Eddie makes the save. Guerrero with a massive powerbomb for 2, Kidman making the save. Eddie puts Rey up on his shoulders - Juvi hits a springboard plancha on Rey (neat) - 1, 2, Kidman pulls him off. Eddie chops at Kidman and Robinson forces him out of the ring. Robinson also gets Guerrero out of the ring, somehow. Juventud with a bodyslam, tag, Eddie with his trademark diving headbutt. They take turns giving blows to Mysterio. Coming up, an exciting Nash interview. Head to the turnbuckle. Guerrero with the Gorry special on Rey into a helicopter slam for 2, Kidman making the save. Juventud comes in but not for long. Fans are getting rabid. Eddie puts Rey up on his shoulder, tags Juvi, who hits a springboard guillotine legdrop and AGAIN Kidman has to make the save after 2. Eddie and Kidman brawl and Robinson has to physically separate them again. Guerrero takes Mysterio to his own corner (stupid, since he should have been able to tag), then whips him into Guerrera's foot - oops, but Rey reverses and Eddie hits Juvi's foot. Guerrero holds him and makes the tag. Juvi drops an elbow, then tags Eddie again. To a corner, chop (woooo!), right, right, whip into the opposite corner, kick, punch, punch, grabbing him by the mask, whip into the opposite corner but Kidman puts his body up to break it. Eddie charges while Juventud runs across the apron - Rey drops and puts Eddie's head on Juvi's. Hot tag? Yes! Kidman IS a house on fire. Big back bodydrop, there's another one, stomp on one, stomp on the other. Rey throws Juventud outside. Kidman puts Eddie up on his shoulders - Rey hits a springboard Thesz press and only a save from Juvi at 2 prevents the pin. Eddie comes back with kicks but Kidman reverses a powerbomb attempt into a facebuster. springboard legdrop to the back of the head - Rey holds Juventud while Kidman makes the cover - 1, 2, KICKOUT!! Now they're in opposite corners, double whip and they meet in the center. Powerbomb on Eddie, facebuster on Juventud. Eddie manages to put Kidman over the top and onto the apron - Rey turns around and sees Eddie - charges him - Eddie boosts him onto Kidman and he falls off the top rope to the floor. Eddie throws Rey outside the ring. While the bodyguard works over Kidman, Guerrera hits a somersault plancha onto Rey. Kidman thrown back in - frog splash is academic. 1, 2, 3. (16:23) Another GOLDEN match from these guys.

Replay of Bischoff accepting the match for later tonight.

Oh boy! WCW on QVC! It ain't gone be no jewelry show! WEDNESDAY WEDNESDAY WEDNESDAY!

WCW MasterCard ad.

Bobby Heenan joins the commentary team about a half hour late. Come to think of it, they didn't even give us the second hour fireworks.

Here's BIG POOCHIE carrying the belt (not wearing it) and accompanied by KONNAN and THE TOTAL WOLFPACKAGE. It *looked* like they still had the "GOLDBERG" nameplate on the belt. Crowd is ambivalent. "There's some people out here tonight that are having a good time over my victory. I just wish I could share the emotion with ya. When I got into professional wrestling nine years ago, it was about three things - money, power, respect. They say money is the root of all evil, they say money you can't have enough - last night wasn't about money." "Goldberg" chant. "The second thing is power - one thing you can say about being the World Champion is you definitely have some power. I'm gonna try tonight to right the wrongs that happened at Starrcade. The first thing being - since Disco wants in the Wolfpack so bad, and Bam Bam Bigelow can't seem to stay out of Goldberg and mine business, I went to the Executive Committee, tonight Disco will face Bam Bam Bigelow - if Disco wins, hey, we'll make him Wolfpack. If he doesn't, please, stay the hell away from us. I gotta touch on another thing - my buddy Scott Hall [booing] There's not a human being on this planet that I got any more love for than Scott Hall, and I know in his twisted mind, he thought what he did last night was a favour. He said he didn't have to answer to anybody, he only had to answer to himself - he's dead wrong. Bill Goldberg, the last thing I want to cover is respect - I got nothing but respect for you. And to make this right, like I said, having the World Championship belt gives you a lot of power, so I'm saying is I'm not asking the committee, I'm demanding, next Monday night, me and you Goldberg, in Atlanta, for the belt! I made some mistakes last night, I won't make 'em again, but there's one thing I gotta say, 'cause I gots ta know, I think Big Sexy can kick your ass, and I'm gonna give it my best shot. You know it's ironic, as I look at this belt, it's still got Bill's name on it - Goldberg you beat me next Monday, it's yours, if not, it's gonna say Nash." Wow, I sure am glad Konnan and Luger were out with him.

"Best of Nitro" ad.

WCW comes to Uniondale, Philadelphia, Macon, and Columbus for LIVE action!

DISCO INFERNO v. BAM BAM BIGELOW - so is Bigelow in WCW or not? He comes out to no music - Inferno having come out to his own theme with one wolf howl thrown in to confuse us. Lockup, to the corner, Bigelow tosses him out. Bigelow mauls him. Tenay is falling over himself to tell us what a standup guy Nash is. Arrrrgh. Bieglow stompin' on the man, then a warning to referee "Blind" Billy Silverman to stay out of this way. Big splash from the Bammer. Scoop slam. Later tonight, satellite hookup with Flair's doctor. Diving headbutt misses. Disco kicks and kicks, clothesline doesn't take him down. Another clothesline. Disco ducks a Bigelow clothesline, and hits a swinging neckbreaker! Double sledge from the second rope - Bigelow kicks out with authority at 2. Disco kicks some more, but Bigelow counters a charge with a back elbow. Clothesline ducked, kick to the gut, CHARTBUSTER! 1, 2, kickout (!) Disco clothesline again and it's absorbed again - Bigelow with a clothesline to take him down. Bigelow holds him up, lets the blood rush to his head, drops to a seated position with a giant shoulderbreaker, that is it. 1, 2, 3. (2:42) Well, what was the point of Disco trying to be in the Wolfpack again? Shrug.

Mortal Kombat is NEXT!

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (again), America (ha!) Online (again), and "Armageddon" (again). Geez, did all the sponsors quit on them or what?

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls!

Backstage, we see Bischoff preparing for his match with Flair - boxing against Hennig's hands. Compare and contrast with McMahon's training film if you like. I will spare you.

DR. CHARLES BROCK, Flair's cardiologist, makes a statement about what Flair went through two weeks ago. Short version of all the big words tells us that there was not a heart attack, however the blood test revealed a high level of something or other that was causing the symptoms, so they pumped his stomach and administered chloroform. Oh, and he was poisoned.

The Awesome 3 are stunned.

Gene O. stands in front of a door - then finds Bischoff to get his reaction. Bischoff says the doctor is a quack and he's gonna sue him - umm, why would Bischoff sue the doctor? Oh well, that's probably character development that I'm missing. Perhaps I should say "Methinks Bischoff doth protest too much" if this is supposed to be a dot connecting exercise. One never knows....

SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with Buff Bagwell and NWO Ref) v. I HATE KONNAN for the World Television Championship - is it silly for me to ask how there's any way Steiner can possibly lose this match with his own ref officiating this matchup? Lucky for us, Scott takes the mic before this match. Even MORE lucky for us, his words are extremely brief. Even MORE MORE lucky for is, Konnan speaks on dis. Buff takes the mic and says that Baltimore AIN'T bowdy-bowdy, in fact, Baltimore sucks. Konnan gives the ref a facebuster, then goes outside. Konnan brings out SCOTT DICKINSON, who apparently agrees to referee the match. Hmmmm. Buff grabs Dickinson for Steiner to hit, but Konnan stops Steiner and delivers a right, then Buff gets a right, taking him out of the ring, more rights for Steiner, tumblin' clothesline, shake his balls, atomic drop, lariat, Steiner rolls out. Lotsa kicks on his way back in - whip is reversed, Buff distracts, Steiner takes charge. Double underhook into a slam. Steiner throws him outside. Head to the barricade. Buff puts the boots to the head, then takes the head to the STEEL steps. Steiner is back out and throwing him back in. Whip, clothesline, pose. Two rights, and again, and again. Steiner asks the crowd who's da man. Kick to the gut sends Konnan to the canvas. Choke on the second rope - Dickinson warns him, then Steiner pulls him away and distracts him while Buff continues the choke behind his back. Lotsa kickin' here. Snapmare, right hand, right hand, Steiner removes the Wolfpack shirt. Elbowdrop, pose, another elbowdrop, oh this match is awful. Konnan tied to the Tree of Woe - Buff grabs the head when the ref is again distracted. Belly-to-belly suplex. Is there a way for BOTH of these guys to lose, and maybe to get the belt back on Chris Jericho? Bodyslam - no, Konnan counters into a - hmmm, some sort of slam. Konnan does Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine. Whip reversed, boot put up. Back kick, facebuster. Tequila Sunrise. Buff manages to grab the foot to pull Steiner to the ropes - THE TOTAL WOLFPACKAGE is out and HE grabs Bagwell, unintentionally helping Steiner. Luger and Bagwell continue to do weird stuff outside, and somehow this leads to Luger apparently causing Bagwell to do something that causes Konnan to go over the top rope and to the floor. If that sounds convoluted, well, it's meant to be. Somehow this turns into Steiner putting Konnan into the Steiner Recliner and causing Konnan to tap out (6:51) and it's all Luger's fault. I guess. Even the commentators have no idea how to explain what just happened. Upshot is, ladies and gentlemen, we have a new TV Champion.

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! It's announced that there is no THUNDER! this week, but tomorrow we have THREE BIG HOURS of the Best of WCW Monday Nitro! Yeehaw! Tony's hosting! Oh, hell. Schiavone says we'll be saluting the career of Hollywood Hulk Hogan. Double hell. Saturday Night will see a Goldberg retrospective. Yeehaw!

SCOTT HALL v. BRIAN ADAMS (he needs somebody - somebody like you) (with Vincenzo) - Hall is wearing a Goldberg shirt. "Hey yo, I heard our new Heavyweight champion out here earlier and he said three things are important. You're right Kev, three things are important - money, money, and money. I handed you the World Heavyweight Championship belt, and you don't even invite me to the victory party? I got a twisted mind? I'm not the guy you used to know? Well Kev, you ain't the guy I used to know either." Adams (outside the ring): "Hey, you done talking yet?" Referee "Blind" Mickey Jay tries to get Adams to remove the sunglasses but there's nothing doing, so he rings the bell. Hall with the toothpick, Adams with the KO punch that FLATTENS him. Backbreaker for 2. Punch, headbutt, chop (woooo!), punch, Hall with a punch, punch, whip, Adams catches him and hits a piledriver. Adams gloats to the crowd because he has to be arrogant so he can piss away the victory. Legdrop for 2. Choke on the second rope. Vincent gets a shot in while Jay jaws with Adams. Bearhug, yawn. Hall with some eyepokes to try to break it up, Adams with a spinebuster. Stomp on the face. Order the Starrcade encore now! Whip, big foot for 2. Vulcan neck pinch! Guess what Tony's talking about right now. Hall gets a foot on the rope and the hold is broken. Adams tries a punch but it's blocked, Hall gets off one of his own. Repeat Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine. Punch. Discus punch. Thassit. Outsider Edge attempt is countered with a back bodydrop. Press slam by Adams (wow). Again Adams poses for the crowd - Hall is up and there's that Edge thing. 1, 2, 3. Ugh. (5:35) After this match, the most IMPORTANT match in the HISTORY OF OUR SPORT!

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by 10-10-321! It's how steak is DONE!

MICHAEL BUFFER is actually out for this thing. This is the last Nitro match in 1998, you know. Are you ready? Are you ready? Then let's get ready to

THE MAN v. CRACKA EAZY-E with everything on the line - Flair comes out, but Bischoff isn't coming out. Backstage, we see him - what, is this a Goldberg-esque entrance? Nope, he's saying "no way" and walking (forgetting his limp for a bit) out to the exit - damn, they're not gonna screw us again are they? Nope. As he opens the door to his limousine, he screams - STEVE McMICHAEL exits the limo and picks him up over his shoulder - CHRIS BENOIT & DEAN MALENKO each grab a leg - and - hell, let's just take an ad break here.

Musta been a long walk, 'cause they're still carting Bischoff to the ring when we come back. Hmm, must be a new Horsemen T-shirt. Your referee is Charles Robinson. Bischoff begs off and Flair laces into him with kicks. Knee to the - inner thigh. Bischoff's jacket is removed. Monstrous "Bischoff sucks" chant. Chop (woooo!), rights and lefts. Golotta. Hey, Ric, if you're disqualified, don't you, like, lose all your worldly possessions? Big ol' facerake. Flair tosses Robinson - geez he's stupid. Bischoff's shirt is removed (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) - chop (woooo!), chop (woooo!), Bischoff crumples to the canvas. Ten rights as HORACE & VINCENZO rush the ring - the Horsemen, amazingly, are enough to take care of them. Flair with an elbowdrop. There's another one. Bischoff ain't movin'. BUFF BAGWELL, SCOTT NORTON, CURT HENNIG, SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER are out - somehow the Horsemen manage to provide enough resistance. NO-SMOKIN' GIANT is out. Flair is punching away on Bischoff, Giant calmly walks up and picks up Flair and delivers a hedbutt that floors Flair. Giant makes the AHTHECHOKESLAAAAAAAM motion. ARN ANDERSON and DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE are out, KONNAN is there - holy crap, RANDY SAVAGE & A FINE LOOKIN' WOMAN are out - Savage wearing a black'n'white NWO shirt? Wasn't he like in the Wolfpack? Well, they exchange the "2 sweet" hand signal - Savage Golottas the Giant and clotheslines him out of the ring! Aha, "2 sweet" always means "I'm about to screw you." Vertical suplex from Flair! Figure four is on! He won't give up - HE DOES GIVE UP! FLAIR WINS! FLAIR WINS! FLAIR WINS! (4:04) Tony leaves the booth to celebrate in the ring. TONY LEAVES! TONY LEAVES! TONY LEAVES! THIS IS THE GREATEST VICTORY IN THE HISTORY OF OUR SPORT! Flair elbowdrops Bischoff one more time and Robinson counts a pinfall just for the hell of it. LARRY ZBYSZKO is out - DUSTY RHODES is out. Is that BOOKER T? And everybody's happy, and everything is right with the world. Flair puts the figure four on one more time just for fun. Well, won't things between now and 28 March be interesting?

And what HAVE we learned from all this, ladies and gentlemen? We have learned this. Anyone who pays ANY money for ANY pay-per-view is a complete idiot. Thank you, and GOOD NIGHT! HAVE A SAFE AND SANE NEW YEAR'S EVE AND KISS A STRANGER FOR ME!