You'd back me cookies? I don't know what that means...

In a clip closed captioned and rated TV-PG-DV, we see Kevin Nash and Goldberg in black and white - their momentous battle at Starrcade will most undoubtedly go down in history as the GREATEST MATCH INVOLVING SCOTT HALL AND A SHOCK STICK EVER!

Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! Nash/Goldberg II TONIGHT!

It's the first Nitro of 1999! We are LIVE from the GeorgiaDome in Atlanta, GA and Richard M. Flair is in charge! (I'm glad he won that match in a week where there was no THUNDER! and no Saturday Night, gee whiz, just PEEL seven days out of those 90!) Over 40K are here, supposedly, we'll find out later. And, oh boy, there's a NITRO PARTY in full effect!

Jimmy Barron (who?) interviews the lucky hick that done won that Nitro Party contest. Probably just a COINCIDENCE that he lived close enough to Atlanta to show up, huh? Hey look, that Nitro Girls poster has TAYO on it! It breaks down completely and they have to take it back to Tony.

Who're your hosts? Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay and thelivinglegend Larry Zbyskzo, that's who!

GLACIER v. HUGH MORRUS (with James Hart) - Hey, Hugh Morrus! He's bald now, by the way. You know, Glacier just hasn't been the same since James van den Berg got a hold of his ancient helmet. Commentators are, of course, talking about Randy Savage gaining revenge on Eric Bischoff for destroying his knee however many months ago it was. (Let's hear it for CONTINUITY!) Did they drop some balloons or something? 'Cause it sounds like lots of people are popping balloons all over the place. Lockup, arm drag by Morrus, repeat. Glacier with a kick, a palm thrust, somethin' else, another something, whip is reversed, head is down, Glacier continues the attack. Arm wringer, punch, Glacier is SOOOO boring. Punches alternated with kicks. I REALLY don't want Glacier to win. Tonight, Hollywood Hogan speaks! Glacier whip, reverse, coming out he's powerslammed by Morrus. Both men down, both men up, eyepoke by Glacier, right hand. Punch blocked, kick, legsweep, pose. Hart's up on the apron - Morrus rushes and takes out his own manager (oh no). Whip, reverse, leapfrog, clothesline by Morrus takes his head off (yeah!) NO LAUGHING MATTER! Well, all right. 1, 2, 3. I LOVE Glacier - when he's jobbing to Hugh Morrus (2:46). Tony: "There's no question WCW is back!" Where'd they go?

The Treacherous Three talk while Larry bobs his head from side to side in the hopes that he'll pick up someone, ANYONE, cheering his name, so he can get up and pose. TONIGHT, Ric Flair makes a "state of the sport" address! Ric Flair is tradition! Old school! Ric Flair! Ric Flair! James Brown! James Brown!

Let Us Take You Back to last week's Nitro where Bischoff celebrated, Flair challenged, Bischoff accepted, the doctor denied, Bischoff denied, Flair stood in the ring, Bischoff tried to run away, the Horsemen dragged, Giant turned the tide, Savage walked out, Savage turned twice in ten seconds, Flair put on the figure four, Bischoff gave up, Flair elbowdropped for a pin for good measure, and everybody did the dance of joy. This set of clips eats up five minuts.

Opening credits (or as I like to call them, Seventeen Minutes After Opening Credits) FINALLY have been changed to include WCW people - Goldberg, Page, Hart (?), Booker T. Page doesn't roar in sync, though. Ha!

WCW/NWO Superstar Series spotlights Sting and Randy Savage. Buy tapes now!

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you buy 1-800-COLLECT - the EAZY way to save!

GENE O. works tonight! Time to introduce the new (interim?) President of WCW - you can call him Richard M. Fleihr, but I'll continue to call him THE MAN, thank you very much. He is flanked by his chillins, and ARN ANDERSON. Good Lord, did they put HIGHLIGHTS in Reid's hair? The IV HORSEMEN join the throng walking to the ring. Malenko is on crutches - apparently, he sprained an ankle Sunday night at a house show. Benoit is wearing his Sting-style trenchcoat. McMichael is wearing a Players jacket that someone his age shouldn't be wearing. (You tell him.) Gene calls Flair "boss" as an adjective? "This is a proud moment for me - I am so happy to be surrounded at this moment by the people that have supported me, stood by me, believed in me. World Championship Wrestling is the greatest organisation on the face of this earth, but for five year, a tyrant by the name of Eric Bischoff has run over a lot of people. And as you know, in the past week my whole life has changed, but the most often asked question was 'What are you gonna do to Eric Bischoff your first night in office?' So Mr. Bischoff, I know you're in the building, saw you back there, unless you want to go to work for somebody else tomorrow, you'll come out here right now and talk to the President of WCW." As CRACKA EAZY-E walks out, looking rather ... I would say stoic, yes. Flair promises to return Bischoff to his roots tonight. "There's a lot of things I've got to say, but I've got to have his undivided attention, so that he knows...Mr. Bischoff. Eric. Would you say that tonight the shoes are on a different set of feet? I'm not gonna beat around the bush, you know over the last five years you have taken great pride, almost to the point of, you know, almost some kind of self-dedication, to making me feel very small on many occasions - not only in the eyes of my contemporaries - Hogan, Savage, name a few, but in the eyes of my peers you have humbled me many times. The easiest thing to do, Eric, would be to say 'pick up your paycheque Eric, it's been nice seeing you.' But that ain't it. I put a lot of thought into this, and since you had fun taking me out of the main event status and putting me in the opening match, as of tonight, and it could change, but as of right now, you officially are working for Tony Schiavone over in the announcing booth." And then he cuts his salary in half. Schiavone says he'll be happy to teach Bischoff play-by-play, which is ironic on so many levels. Let Us Take You Back to Bischoff firing Randy Anderson for his actions at NWO Souled out two years ago, and failing to rehire him a week later. Flair invites RANDY ANDERSON to the ring. I guess I'd just be a spoil-sport to mention that match he had with Nick Patrick where...oh, never mind. Anderson's shaved off his moustache, and is wearing a bright yellow sweater (go Randy!) Flair says he's happy to welcome back Anderson at double the salary. Flair goes on to thank Page, Booker T, Schiavone, and everybody that came down the other night (except Konnan - well, he probably meant to say it) and he thanks Randy Savage and welcomes him back, even though they had issues in the past. Well, continuity is a bitch, isn't it. Hey, Flair, bring back Jimmy Jett while you're at it. Finally, Flair says he's gonna do something a little selfish - booking himself in a handicap match with Barry Windham and Curt Hennig at Souled Out. David pipes up and says that he'd like to be Ric's tag team partner at Souled Out. "I love him - he's my son - he's not ready for this." Arn: "He knows what he's doin'." Ric: "You and me?" David: "I'm ready." And they embrace. "The greatest wrestling program in the world! Enjoy yourselves tonight! It's World Championship Wrestling at it's best." Tony welcomes Eric to the broadcast team, as he has replaced Mike Tenay on the dais. It should probably be noted that this segment took like fifteen minutes, and that's all I'll say about that for now.

Aw shit, K-Dog's got a T-shirt, which means I have to see pieces of "Konnan's Music Video" while they hype it.

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, America (ha!) Online, and Lean Pockets.

BOOKER T. v. A BLACK SCREEN - well, there was a big time screwup in Master Control here, because the next thing you know we have no sound, no picture, no Booker T. match. But I did get one thing out of this - Hollywood Hogan will be speaking later tonight. Next thing you know, Booker T. is breakdancing, hitting the Harlem sidekick, and the missile dropkick - then he moves at about 100x speed, which looks like another tape glitch. Then we see Booker T. saying he won't stop 'til he's the #1 Contender and a true O.G. Or something. No idea who the jobber was, but wcw.com MAY have a report up someday and you can find out there. Or maybe you saw the replay. Don't write me and tell me, I don't care. Really. (?:??) (After the fact, I checked the WCW.com report, which identified the loser as EMORY HALE.)

Apparently, Bischoff hasn't said a word yet. Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls!

Nitro is pro-wrestling's only live program, and wrestling's trendsetter. Bischoff looks bored off his gourd.

WHO IS YOUR DADDY NORMAN SMILEY (yellow) v. CHAVO GUERRERO, JR. (con Pepe) - "There's going to be about four or five different producers talking in your head at once - they're going to tell you to say something that you've already said but you've still got to do it again!" Oh, Tony, it's those EVIL PRODUCERS that are forcing you to repeat things again and again and again...SURE. This match happened last week, but hell, let's have it EVERY week, why not? Tonight, Bill Goldberg returns to the place where he won the title! Tony asks Bischoff for comment and gets none. I hope they do this ALL NIGHT LONG. Go see last week's play-by-play, it's more exciting anyway, 'cause Smiley dances a whole lot more. Larry finally calls Eric "idiot" but even that won't cause Eric to utter a word. Now, Smiley won last week, so he has to return the favour this week. There is ONE cool spot where Smiley starts to do his dance but passes out instead. Chavo blows a springboard but recovers nicely. Now Smiley is setting him up for the Norman Conquest, but Chavo manages to slide under, roll through and hit a Sunset flip for the pin (4:01). Smiley with a forearm to the back, head to the buckle, vertical suplex, gee whiz, he should have done this stuff before he got pinned when it would have mattered. Swoop slam! Smiley grabs Pepe and whacks him with it. Another whack for Chavo and Pepe's head falls off! Skittles brings you replays. Both times the commentators are too concerned with Eric Bischoff to call the almost chickenwing spot. Well, this first hour is almost over anyway. THIS is the SuperNitro?

THUNDER! ad. What the hell is Hogan doing in this ad? Even if he weren't retired, he don't work on Thursdays!

HORACE (hogan) v. CHRIS BENOIT (no entrance? Some Horseman!) - Tony tells us that this Sunday the Falcons will host the Arizona Cardinals in this very dome. For an encore, Tony tells Eric "You're a big football fan - living in Minnesota - probably a big Detroit Lions fan." Hey, *I* wish the Vikings didn't exist either, come to think of it. Again, Tony and Larry try to make Eric talk and he doesn't. Meanwhile, Benoit is hitting the rolling German suplex, Horace tries to elbow out but Benoit picks him up and drapes him over the top rope. Punch, chop (woooo!), Horace manages to suplex him out of the ring. Why didn't Benoit get an entrance? TOPE SUICIDA! Horace RULES! Wow, Benoit really hit his back hard on the barricade, too. Horace throws him back in, short clothesline, elbowdrop, 1, 2, no. We should all notice "Blind" Randy Anderson is officiating the match. Benoit springs up and gets a top rope superplex. Thumb-cross-the-throat gesture. Diving headbutt! Benoit is super slow getting up. Larry: "I was never one of the high flyers - I liked wrestling on the mat." I like when Larry reminds us of his seventeen-minute chinlocks. Horace with a 2 count. Benoit with a reversal to the Crippler crossface - Horace stays in, but eventually taps out (3:59). Benoit headbutts the camera - well, why the hell not. Replay of Horace trying a suplex but Benoit dropping into the Crippler crossface.

Backstage, we see GOLDBERG and ATLANTA'S FINEST. They have a warrant for his arrest. Now, let's say you're Goldberg. What's your first question for the cops? If you said "what's the charge?" give yourself a gold star. Goldberg says everything BUT this, in fact, it's really - well, maybe I'll just transcribe it for you. I know I'll be sorry later. "You have a warrant for MY arrest? You're kidding me. Whatever it is, whoever charged me with whatever it is, like I said, you know, Jack knows, everybody in this city knows that I do nothing but positive things for this community, I do all the things for kids, I do all the things for the fallen cops, so you, and you, and you - nobody here can take me in for anything that I didn't do, you got that? I don't care, because whatever it is, I'm innocent! Like I said, none of you guys can take me downtown for something I'm not guilty for - not any of you guys, or collectively, all of you. You got that? I don't like being wrongly accused. So whatever it is, it's bogus, and it ain't true. Huh? I don't hear anything else..." The cops insist, they're going downtown. "First of all, I don't like it, second of all whatever it is, like I said, I didn't do it. So every gun you got and every piece of mace you got, it's gonna take every single piece of weaponry to take me down there, okay? So you're prepared to do that? I hope you are, 'cause I am. I stand for good in this community and nobody can tell me otherwise, okay?" The cop that he knows asks him to calm down and go to the precinct. "What do you want, Jack? You know and I know it ain't true, whatever it is. Calm down? I got my whole life on the line here, I got my reputation here, we're calling defamation of character okay? Jack, that's BS okay, that ain't right. Listen, you know me." Hey, Goldberg, maybe you could, you know, ASK what you're being arrested for. So he's taken off in cuffs, still throwing a temper tantrum. What's the DAMN CHARGE?

Is THAT what they use to hook you while RAW starts? Did that WORK for you?

Mortal Kombat is NEXT!

Closed captioning where available is made possible by JollyTime popcorn! (eh?)

The camera follows Goldberg and the phalanx of coppas outside the building. BIG POOCHIE, not content to let an entire hour go by without us mentioning him, has made his appearance to ask the police what this does for their match tonight. Well, let me spell it out for you. No main event tonight. Fuck you, WCW. Strangely enough, it's YOU KNOW WHO laughing at Goldberg being taken off - because he's a "law & order politician." Elsewhere in the building, we see LIZ talking to a couple detectives. Huh?

PERRY SATURN, A VERY HANDSOME MAN v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with JPS Ralphus) - I guess it's funny every time Tony says "this is going down on your next review." Didn't these guys wrestle on THUNDER! or something once? Saturn slaps Jericho, Jericho cries to referee "Blind" Scott Dickinson. Don't Saturn and Dickinson have a history, come to think of it? Lockup, arm wringer by Jericho, reversal by Saturn, Jericho down, up, clothesline from Saturn. Jericho with a kick to the gut, chop (woooo!), side headlock, shoulderblock, back and forth, dueling hiptosses, Jericho flips, Saturn suplexes. Into the corner, whip, Jericho up and over, charge misses, Saturn with superKwang kicks. Another suplex by Saturn. Into the rope, duck, back elbow, Jericho puts him up and over, springboard dropkick! and he's on the floor. Jericho does the - I think that's the whooping crane. Knee to the back of the head - from the apron to the floor! Time for a commercial break while Jericho hits a snap suplex on the floor.

Tony and Larry have said "well what's the charge?" about a MILLION times - too bad Goldberg couldn't say it once....

When we come back, we're in the ring, Saturn ducks a lariat and puts on a sleeper, Jericho counters with a belly-to-back suplex and both men are down - no, Jericho is up. Tony promises to break into the match if they have Goldberg news (like, apparently, they need an excuse). Arrogant cover for 2. Rear chinlock by Jericho as Tony tells us this is segment seven of a sixteen segment program. Hmmm. Saturn with a spectacular suplex. Moving fast now - both men miss moves, Saturn sets up the Spicolli driver but Jericho pounds on him to get out. Whip, reversal, another suplex lookin' thing by Saturn, 1, 2, no! Whip into the corner - atomic drop - Jericho elbows the ref on his way down. Saturn to the ropes - springboard flying jalapeno but Jericho has pulled Dickinson in harm's way. Golotta by Jericho! Lionsault! Liontamer coming up but Dickinson calls for the bell before the hold is on. (8:12) He raises JERICHO'S hand! Apparently from Saturn hitting the move earlier. "I didn't give up! Noooooo!" Jericho: "That's a great referee right there! That is an EXCELLENT professional wrestling referee right there!"

Camera still following Goldberg - apparently there's a police precinct RIGHT across the street from the CNN Center. They're going to Room 3! OH NO! He's still in cuffs. Will they let the camera in? Wow, this is just like "COPS!" The charge is finally revealed: "aggravated stalking." Elizabeth Labetsky (you spell it) - "Bill - Miss Elizabeth." They're gonna talk about it. "Jack, you know me, this ain't me. You guys go ahead and do your job - I ain't gonna pay for this." Goldberg is ELECTRIFYING!

Hey! MENTOS ad! MENTOS - THUH FRESH MEKKER!

Nitro Girls calendar ad. But the year's already 4 days over! I want a 1.1% discount!

Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! Whisper can't dance, but she sure can wear them ass-hangin'-out-outfits, yo.

Jimmy Barron with another pointless Nitro Party segment. "Free Goldberg! I'm drunk! Ooooooo!" Another fan says Goldberg should be KEPT in jail, forever - hey, I'm with THAT guy.

Backstage, we see Liz being interviewed. She says Goldberg follows her everywhere, he was in Baltimore last week, he was at the PPV before that, he stays at the same hotel...oh, come on. This segment sure had some high drama, though. That Liz sure can act. One detective to another: "Let me talk to you outside." We can only hope he's saying "What the hell are we doing on this show?" during the ad break.

The LWO wants to show you how the homies party. This particular vignette wins the award as "Most Racist Segment in Recent History." Apparently, Eddie steals all the mamacitas while Dandy, Damien, and Silver King get pissed off. AND THEN HE CRASHES HIS CAR!!!!! Oh, sorry, he doesn't really. This segment was over four minutes long and kinda - well - I wish I had ANY sort of idea what (or when, or if) they'll do something with this.

Bobby Heenan joins Tony and the mute.

KIDMAN & REY MYSTERIO, JR. v. JUVENTUD GUERRERA & PSYCHOSIS in a Tejas Tornado match - Eddie's situation is not mentioned tonight, sigh. If this is a Tornado match, why are two men outside the ring? Maybe Tony's stupid. Kidman and Psychosis start. Back and forth we go to start, counter, counter, counter, Psychosis with a faceslam. He wants to tag Juvi but Juvi says no. Psychosis tags him anyway - meanwhile, Kidman dropkicks a distracted Guerrera, another, third one misses and Juvi takes charge. Atomic drop. Tag to Rey. Huracanrana! Both men in - double clothesline ducked, Rey throws him into Kidman for a Ligerbomb - Rey covers, but only 2. Rey does his spin move. Juvi off the ropes but on his feet, Rey outside, 'rana and Juventud's outside the ring! Psychosis hits a top rope double sledge behind Rey's back. Juvi back in with a springboard dropkick. Guillotine legdrop from the apron to the floor by Psychosis on Rey! Psychosis throws him back in. Psychosis with a top rope double sledge. Juventud is in - double team but Rey sidesteps a charging Guerrera (after failing to tag even though he was in Kidman's corner) tilt-a-whirl backbreaker on Guerrera, but Guerrera holds onto him as Psychosis hits a dropkick to the back of the head. Back and forth we go, Juventud hits a backbreaker but only gets 2. Tag to Psychosis - to the top rope - dropkick by Rey. Both men down - both men going for the tag. Tag to Guererra, tag to Kidman! Kidman's a house on fire! No he isn't - well, he ducked and Psychosis hit his partner. Double DDT. Tony again says "Tornado rules in effect" when they clearly ain't. Rey and Kidman on the top in different corners - BOTH MEN TO THE FLOOR! Kidman with Psychosis on his shoulders - DOOMSDAY DEVICE! Guerrera makes the save at 2. Whip, reverse, reverse, chop (woooo!) by Guerrera - Rey with a quebrada attempt but Guerrera turns it into a Juvi Driver - 1, 2, Kidman saves. Psychosis throws him over the top. Kick, chop (woooo!), whip, reverse, Juventud pulls up to avoid hitting his partner. Rey takes Guerrera and they hit two standing switches - so when Kidman hits the top-rope dropkick, he ends up hitting BOTH men. Guerrera clotheslines Kidman out of the ring and Psychosis hits the top-rope guillotine legdrop. 1, 2, 3. (7:36) Hey Tony, that wasn't no damn Tornado match.

Jack questions Goldberg - of course, he was at all those places, and that gym? Why, he owns it. Goldberg wants out of here now, and makes a threatening move - but they don't mace him. Jack tells him to sit tight and they'll keep working on it. Hey, you think he'll be out in time for the main event? I give it 50/50.

Gene O. brings out BIG POOCHIE to get his unique spin on this whole Goldberg situation. Nash appears to be carrying a book of some sort. "At Starrcade, a lot of people say that Kevin Nash beat Bill Goldberg. As far as I'm concerned, at Starrcade, Bill Goldberg got screwed. I've been sittin' back there in the locker room gettin' ready for a match with Goldberg, and I watched the turn of events that's happened tonight with Liz coming up with some trumped up charges and it doesn't take Closeau to figure out who's behind this, and that's you, Hogan. So it's real simple. Since the Nature Boy seems to be righting all the wrongs, Naitch, I'm asking ya, let me have Hogan tonight - I know for a fact, that you've had eight days to go over contracts - I know Hogan's still under contract. I want Hogan tonight, call it a warmup, 'cause I know at the end of the night, Goldberg'n me will be in the ring for the title. So Hogan, if you're out there, and I know you are in the back, it's real simple. You wanna hook it up tonight-" THE MAN is out. "First of all, regardless of whether I agree with how he got it, he is the World Heavyweight Champion of the greatest wrestling organisation in the world - I don't know what's happened to Goldberg, but I know this for a fact, if Liz is involved, Hogan's pulling the strings, and if Hogan's pulling the strings and thinks he's gonna dance off to Hollywood, make a movie and make a mockery of this company, he's wrong. Tonight, Hogan, you're under contract. If Goldberg can't make the match, you mah friend, in front of forty thousand and the world, are gone wrestle Big Sexy baby." Did Nash mouth along a la Bischoff? Hmm...

Replay of the show opening black and white montage. That's "monochrome," not "NWO black and white."

Tony feels pretty sure that Hogan is behind this, now that someone else has said it first.

More with Liz and the detectives. They are asking her to repeat her story, so that she'll flub it, I guess. She changes the "water cooler" to the "Coke machine." She says Goldberg was wearing "red tights" the last time he stalked her. She gets pretty defensive. "I'm the victim here - do you understand that?!? I want him locked up! I'm tired of this! I've filed all these reports, you guys are doing nothing!" The detectives leave again, presumably to go outside and laugh at her, or to shoot themselves. Or something.

WCW/NWO Souled Out is 17 January!

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (again), America (ha!) Online (again), and Lean Pockets (again). Boy those sponsors are really dropping like flies, aren't they? They're down to three!

Gene O. brings out YOU KNOW WHO, who originally comes out to Scott Putski's music by mistake, before the Voodoo Chili is taken into the microwave and reheated. Hogan is wearing a black blazer, black T and blat 'do rag, goofy sunglasses (natch - just like Ventura used to wear!) and I'm assuming black pants. Hogan says he was gonna say his goodbyes and also formally announce his Veep, BUT the "sexual deviant" Goldberg just made him sick. He calls Nash a "spoon" which would probably be funny if only I knew what it meant. Hogan said that Nash said that Hogan retired only because he was afraid to face him. He's watched the Wolfpack huff and puff, and if Flair said it was happening, well, he guesses he owes his fans one more retirement match. Oh, nice shoes, Hollywood. I know you want to hear what Tony says next. "Fans, as Hollywood Hogan walks away and you look at forty thousand plus on hand, if you're even THINKING about changing the channel to our competition, fans, do not, because we understand that Mick Foley, who wrestled here one time as Cactus Jack, is gonna win their World title - hoh! That's gonna put some butts in the seats, hyeh." And I know, I KNOW, you're expecting me to dignify this with a response.

Sorry.

WCW MasterCard ad.

TV-PG-DV box reappears - "Earlier Today" clip shows Chris Jericho buttering up Scott Dickinson and then telling him that the next time Perry Saturn lays a hand on him, he should be IMMEDIATELY disqualified. Dickinson nods. Well, there you go. You NEEDED that spelled out for you, hah?

SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER & BUFF BAGWELL come out to remind me how great the third hour can be. Steiner tells us he can't be censored now that he has the PRESTIGIOUS World TElevision title. Buff does a brief Flair imitation which I am ashamed to laugh at, but I do. Steiner invites Konnan out for another title match, oh, so THAT'S what Charles Robinson is doing out there in the ring.

SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with Buff Bagwell) v. I HATE KONNAN - Konnan is so stupid, he doesn't even wear his own shirt. Not that I'm complaining, well maybe, but this is the first match in like a half hour. I confess, I didn't watch this match. Tony tries one more time to get me to go off. "If you're thinking about changing channels to our competition, we want to let you know that unlike us, they've got their show in the can, their show's been taped - later tonight, Mick Foley, who's once wrestled here as Cactus Jack, is gonna win their world title. I mean - that's gonna be their World Champion - ha, ha! ... I mean, we're here live every night, they're not." I think he added "except opposite Thursdays, Saturdays, and WorldWide" under his breath, but you couldn't hear it. This particular matchup happened last week, of course, so I feel the need to not bother with play-by-play. Tony again says that every Monday they'll be live. I forget, that last time a taped RAW went up against their live show, didn't that taped show win? Oh, not that it matters. Tony is now saying "LIVE" as if he were Sam Donaldson on "PrimeTime." Konnan has come back with his pulled-out-my-ass offense and is putting on the Tequila Sunrise but Buff is in with the belt - even though it's Konnan hitting Buff and not the other way around, Robinson calls for the bell anyway. Doubleteam is on Konnan, Steiner throws out Robinson (another spectacular Charles Robinson bump - that man is going to Tommy Young himself this year if he doesn't watch it) - the NWO REF is out and the Steiner Recliner is on. Steiner has a chair and whacks away with impugnity. THIS IS THE COOLEST MATCH EVER! (DQ 4:01)

Souled out promo.

WRATH ATH v. BAM BAM BIGELOW - Eric finally speaks! "Goldberg's jail bait." Huh? Wrath finally decides he's sick of me not giving him any ink and takes the mic. He says he knows the people paid to see him drop the thermonuclear meltdown on the dome - and he doesn't have a problem with that, his problem is "no competition." So he issues an open challenge, and out comes Bigelow. Hmmm, wonder where this is going. Staredown, Wrath with the Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine bit, again, kick, whip, they meet in the center and no one moves. Wrath off the ropes, no one moves. Bigelow kicks, Eric says "jail bait" again, headbutt, right, whip, Wrath ducks and hits a lariat of his own. Right hand takes him down. Bam Bam ducks and pulls the top rope and Wrath goes outside. Head to the apron, forearm from Bigelow, elbow to the back of the head. Eric says "prison punk." Now they're brawling on the outside. Wrath's head meets the STEEL post. Mickey Jay is counting awfully slow which means no double countout I guess. Back in we finally go. It's all Bigelow. Wrath's head meets turnbuckle, reverse, knee to the gut, knee, knee, kick, kick, Bigelow takes the leg finally, legwhip, headbutt, kick. Bigelow puts him on the outside again but he lands on his feet. Head meets the STEEL barricade. Wrath whipped into the apron. Head to the barricade again. Wrath finally fires back with punches. Chop (woooo!), chop (woooo!), Jay is outside to try to break it up. Knees to the gut by Wrath. Poundin'. One more clubbing blow to the back and now it's Bigelow's turn. Elbows. Right hand. Head to the STEEL. And again. Wrath thrown back in, Bigelow has a chair. Elbow to the head by Bigelow. Jay exhorts Bigelow to not use that chair in here. Hey, is Bigelow in WCW now? Wrath counters the whatever with a back bodydrop, now they're both outside again. Jay follows when he SHOULD be counting to ten. Bigelow tries a chair shot but Wrath ducks it. Jay is shoved trying to keep the two from fighting on the outside - Bigelow pushes him away. They're still brawling as the bell sounds (DQ? no contest? 3:57) "No more wrestling match, it's erupted into a brawl." Oh, REALLY, Tony. Crowd is booing as they all brawl into the back Where the Camera Dare Not Tread.

The detectives talk to Liz one more time, and ask her to tell her story one more time. This time it was at the Coke machine. "Was it a Pepsi from the Coke machine, or a Coke from the Pepsi machine? Don't all the wrestlers stay at the same hotel? Doesn't Goldberg own that gym? Ma'am, you've been looking at your watch the whole time, can I see that watch?" They catch her in the red tights business. They remind her that falsifying a report is a federal offense, and so is perjury. They're going outside to talk one more time, but Liz finally admits that she probably must have just made the whole thing up to wreck Goldberg's title shot and she's sorry to have wasted their time and possibly Goldberg's. The only thing I can offer about this whole bit is Liz looks pretty good.

Of course, by my watch, there's a half hour left....well...

Bruise Cruise ad, aboard the M.S. Ecstasy (the HUH?) in May and I'm not going. Uh uh.

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by SKITTLES!

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! SuperBrawl will once again strike the Bay Area in '99. Can't wait. (too watch it at home)

JERRY GLANVILLE is in the house. Eric Bischoff is snoozing.

The graphic identifies Bischoff correctly, but for some reason Bobby Heenan is "LARRY ZBYSZKO." Oops.

BRIAN ADAMS (He cuts like a knife) (with Vincenzo) v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE - Attendance is announced as 40,401. Page walks to the ring through the crowd because he's a suck-up. Lockup, Adams has him, Page counters, Hall-like shoudlerblocks, Adams throws him down. Page knocks him down. Adams with a relly cool open-handed slap. Back and forth, Page with a slap of his own. Combination, Adams ducks out. Page teases a pescado until he's sure Adams is gonna be there to catch him. Going back in, Vincent holds on so Adams can stomp all over him. Whip into the opposite corner, right, Page goes outside, Vincent gets a blow in. And one more, why not. Adams is still on him as we take a (why?) commercial break.

Hey, I bet Page wins! When we come back, Page is getting out of a hold of some sore, but Adams takes him down. Page with a clothesline. Tony says "live" again. Shoulderblock by Page. Dueling hiptoss attempts, swinging neckbreaker by Page. Vincent distracts Randy Anderson and Adams hits a Golotta. PILEDRIVER! 1, 2, no. Oh yeah, what was I thinking. Page gets in a right, and another, but Adams hits the eyes. Bearhug by Adams. Arm falls once, arm falls twice, arm doesn't fall thrice. Bell clap by Page, tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Page - 1, 2, no. I ain't falling for it, don't bother. Whip, hiptoss attempt is countered into a - bulldog? Both men down. Both men up. Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine. Punch. Discus lariat? Okay. Adams catches Page and delivers an atomic drop. Adams with a punch, whip, back elbow by Page, Vincent holds on but Page KO's him with one blow (of course), then hits a Diamond Cutter out of nowhere (of course) to get the pin (of course) (8:58) Tony has the GALL to call it "a new variation of the Diamond Cutter." That match was about nine minutes too long. Page goes out through the crowd 'cause he's a suck-up. Replay of the mighty punch - the leap off the rope into the Diamond Cutter, and the pin.

Since we still have that camera at the precinct, let's go see Jack deliver the good news of Liz dropping the charges to Goldberg. "Take these cuffs OFF of me. Take me to the dome." Wow, it took (checking watch) TWENTY minutes from the time Liz dropped the charges to the time they told Goldberg! There's only one explanation for this strange occurence: every television at the precinct must have been tuned to RAW!

Seven to the hour - it's MICHAEL BUFFER time! Buffer sucks up to the crowd by reminding us that the Atlanta Falcons are the NFC West champions (that's right, the FALCONS, not the 49ers, the FALCONS, the FALCONS, the FALCONS, the FALCONS are my NEW *favourite* football team) For the third time tonight the smell of Voodoo Chili wafts through the GeorgiaDome even as Goldberg is en route (or so they say). Hogan has changed into a shiny top and is accompanied by Big Poppa Pump. The words "NWO Hollywood" are said again for the first time in over a month. Nash is alone, and doesn't have "WCW Heavyweight Champion" under his name in his graphic...hmmm. Of course, Hogan never HAS graphics - I guess he doesn't need them...hey, look, there's SCOTT HALL come out in a Wolfpack T-shirt! They embrace at the bottom of the ramp. Hmmm, two minutes to the hour - I guess Lawler was right after all.

BIG POOCHIE (with Scott Hall) v. YOU KNOW WHO (with Superstar Scott Steiner) for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship - "Goldberg" chant is pretty loud. Tony tells us how live they is (except, of course, on my coast). Nash with a Hogan-esque T-shirt rip. Come to think of it, when was the last time Hogan wrestled in a top? Is this the feeling out process? Ho hum. Referee is Billy Silverman. I can't think of anything else to kill time here. If they're chanting "Hogan sucks," they must have turned down the crowd noise. One minute since the bell rang. Nash shoves Hogan back into the corner, crowd pops. Now into overtime. Hogan tries to punch - now, gingerly taps him in the pec - Nash drops like a ton of bricks. Hogan covers - 1, 2, 3????? (1:41) Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new World Heavyweight Champion. Bischoff finally breaks his silence to congratulate the NEW World Champ as we see the cop car arrive in the back, Goldberg gets out, rushes the ring, takes out Steiner, Hall, Nash, and finally Hogan gets him with the belt and now he's raining down punches on him. Whip, reverse, spear. LEX LUGER is out (hmmm), holy crap! He ATTACKS Goldberg! Bischoff: "Oh my goodness! How can this be?" Luger racks him. Looks like Luger has jumped to - to - well, where are we now? LIZ is out. Hall has his taser again - it really needs Da Mountie's sound effect but I'll let it go. Bischoff can't be stopped from talking now. BUFF BAGWELL is out. Spraypaint cans are out. "NWO 4 Life" spraypainted in red, his head spraypainted black and red. The WCW title is spraypainted red - "NWO" - one more time. And we're gone.

Fans, as Hollywood Hogan stands in the centre of the ring and you look at forty thousand plus on hand, if you even THOUGHT about changing the channel to our competition, fans, please do, because I understand that Hollywood Hogan, who wrestled there one time as Hulk Hogan, is gonna win the World title - hoh! That's gonna put some butts in the seats, hyeh. I mean - that's gonna be their World Champion - ha, ha!