And no, I'm *not* God, but I'll talk about that sign next week in the RAW report in great detail with lots of gushing over the signsmiths in question. You've been warned (or teased, or whatever).

Let Us Take You Back to Last Week, as Hollywood Hogan, Chuck Zito and Mel the Cameraman from Chicago talk about nothin' and waste time in TV-PG-DV-o-vision with closed captioning for the hearing impaired (He said WHAT? "Jiggly jiggily Jew?") - later in that show, the Three Horsemen (Flair, Anderson and Malenko) take a gander at another clip from the Hogan & Zito show - after the show went off the air we see Flair ask where Bischoff is, and shove a monitor to the ground.

We ARE OH SO LIVE from the Marine Midland Arena in Beefalo, NY! The date is 8.2.99 and your hosts on this big Turner Network Television broadcast are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay and thelivinglegend Larry Zbyszko. The mind games continue, for you and for me, as we learn that David (Sammartino) Flair was not touched last week, because there was no chance of it airing on television. But this did!

Let Us Take You Back to THUNDER! last Thursday as Arn and Naitch natter on about David not being hurt. Arn says he's on the first flight back Friday - anybody else expecting that somebody would be waiting for him at the gate with a tire arn? But where would the CAMERA be?

Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! What the HELL has Spice put in her hair? Get excited because tonight in this big three hour uncontested broadcast - the Outsiders vs. Flair & Mongo! (Turn?) In exciting tourney action, Hennig & Windham will take on Adams & Horace (oh be STILL my beating heart!) Rey tonight! Booker T. and Fit Finlay fight! Diamond Dallas Page stares at the Nitro Girls like a lech (Kimberly being the one that can't dance in sync).

Disco Inferno knocks on a locker room door - Nash answers. After a password game, Disco walks in to find Arn Anderson on the floor, courtesy Nash & Hall. Nash gives us a brief Arn impersonation a la Labor Day '96, while Hall says "What's that, three down, two to go?" Hmm? Two others were taken out while I wasn't watching? No Benoit and Malenko tonight? Is this how you ... oh, let's give them a chance.

Opening credits (close enough for gummint work)

Here's a big onsale announcement! Friday buy tickets for Worcester for Nitro, Lexington for THUNDER!, Chicago, Milwaukee, Auburn Hills, and Toronto for Nitro! Get in line NOW! Camp out! Bring SMORES!

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you through the kind courtesy of SKITTLES!

A "you are there" camera shot provides a pool table, no shots, a blonde, and "I saw you with those guys over there. They are so cool, and YOU, are so fine. I have a limo parked outside, let's go for a ride." What did your momma TELL you about taking rides from strangers? By the way - the camera? Who is it? Who knows? OK.

FIREWORKS signify that Buffalo is ON FIRE for Nitro, or something. We learn that Scott Steiner is not in the building tonight. So WHY is Page watching the Nitro Girls? 'Cause he's a lech...

BLITZCRIEG v. REY MYSTERIO, JR. (with I Hate Konnan) - Remember, fans, you can TRADEMARK misspellings (or somebody forgot their high school Deutsch) - what the HELL is Konnan doing out there? Oh, he's crapping up this match with a spiel on da mic. Rey is wearing an LWO T-shirt because he knows it drives me nuts. Konnan says "strawberry" followed by "mi vida loca." Rey says nothing. Do your talking in the ring my man. Lockup, to the corner, if you hate play by play don't bother reading this paragraph. Clean break. Lockup, side headlock, Blitz spins a bit and they're to the mat. Up we go, Rey reverses to a hammerlock. Tony talks about the LWO shirt and says "it's a good sign." OF THE APOCALYPSE, Tone. To the corner, Rey up and over, Blitz moonsault lands on his feet. Armdrag by Rey, forearms, off the ropes, back and forth, under we go, Blitz with a dropkick and Rey outside. Outside goes Blitz, kick off the apron, he's on the ropes - CORKSCREW ASAI MOONSAULT! Or whatever it's called. Rey tossed back in, Blitz up on the apron - Rey's head to the buckle, Blitz on the top - off the top - Rey reverses to a BIG powerbomb but only gets 2. And this is only two minutes! I love me some Lucha! Rey up, Blitz slammed - Rey to the apron - split-legged moonsault off the top rope for 2. We're up - Blitz flips out of an attempt - so Rey chops him (wooo!), Blitz manages a whip into the ropes but Rey does his spin move. Blitz rushes and is dropped over the rope but manages to land on his feet - gutshot - on the top rope - sprinboard with a twist, lands on his feet (!), tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Blitz! Lightning senton off the ropes, followed by a backflip (!) for 2. Blitzcrieg can BE somebody! Into the corner, chop (woooo!), again (woooo!), Rey kicks but Blitz chops (woooo!), whip into the corner is reversed, but Blitz steps aside and Rey's shoulder hits the STEEL ringpost. What the HELL is Konnan doing in there, go away. Blitz knocks Rey off the apron to the floor. He's going up - swandive plancha meets a dropkick from Rey on the floor. Whip into the STEEL barricade from Rey. Throwin' him back in - both men on the apron - Rey in the ring now - laying him on the second rope, gut shot - Rey outside, springboard guillotine legdrop! 1, 2, kickout!! Rey takes him to the corner and places him on the top turnbuckle - SUPERPLEX! 1, 2, how does he kick out. Here's a rear chinlock from Mysterio, must be time for an ad break or something. Nope, he's up and elbowing out. Rey whips him off the ropes, Sunset flip counter for 2. Clothesline from Rey takes him out of his boots. Rey poses in the corner and GET KONNAN OFF THE SCREEN. Rey with a headscissors hold as commentators yammer on about Rey putting his mask on the line at SuperBrawl. NOT NOW. I'm actually enjoying this match a lot more than you'd think from all my bitching. Blitzcrieg is up, off the ropes, REY manages a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker but only gets 2. Rey in the corner, Blitz WALKS up him, flips, dropkicks him, DAMN. This guy's pretty fly for a white guy in a mask. Rey whipped into the opposite corner, but he gets up to the top turnbuckle and counters the charge with a headscissors - Blitz moves to the corner - bad idea - bronco buster from Rey. He's up - he's crotched. Yeah, you can't bronco buster my man Blitzcrieg! He makes the flippy-flippy hand motion - SKY TWISTING BODY PRESS! but it only finds the mat. Rey sets him on the top turnbuckle - here's the Frankensteiner - well of COURSE Rey wins. 1, 2, 3. (8:23) HELL OF A MATCH. Maybe I'm wrong in being pessimistic about WCW dogging it (heh) this week while they're unopposed - maybe they DO want to win me over. Konnan talks into the camera - well, never mind. Replays and I can't stand Konnan.

At SuperBrawl, it's hair vs. mask - here's a Special Video Look at Luger, Nash, Konnan, and Mysterio. There's ONE guy I want to see at SuperBrawl of these four - even if he never seems to lose to another luchador (heh). Konnan does manage to say "strawberries" in one of these clips. Liz' hair, by the way, she's not sure about this, yeah. Let's move on.

Mortal Kombat is NEXT! (Well, in two hours and thirty-five minutes...)

SuperBrawl IX - coming to a Renaissance Fair near YOU!

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Bashin' Brawlers (yousmashedmy - HEAD!), Slim Jim, America (ha!) Online, and Croissant Pockets (they're like FRENCH Hot Pockets!) and Sudden Change Scam Cream.

Vignette time, grab the popcorn. Kanyon, Mrs. Levy and at least three cameramen. She's frantic - PLEASE watch over Scotty and DON'T let him leave the house! Kanyon finds Raven and asks him to break out of this. Raven - are you ready for this - TURNS TO ANOTHER CAMERA - and says "What a mark!" Oh, wait, Raven ISN'T always depressed. He was just ACTING this whole time. "He don't get it!" says Raven directly to the loyal viewer, presumably where Kanyon can't hear him. Well, I don't get it either. Is this like "Getting" the WWF? Kanyon and Raven get in a - what's that, a Lamborghini? and drive off, where presumably other fun adventures await, all to be captured by a ready and waiting team of cameramen.

FIT FINLAY v. BOOKER T. - the preceding clip was apparently so lame the commentators pretend they didn't just see it. Hey, maybe was really JUST talking to us and not to ANYBODY else! Eh, screw it. This is the second match as we turn the half hour so I have no right to complain. Especially with a smokin' matchup like this! Too bad we know who'll win. Eh, let's see how it plays out, okay. Oh no, I'm making my REPORT TOO LONG! Lockup, hiptoss by T. WOW, that's some nice power (no really! no sarcasm!) T calls to the crowd, turns his back (idiot) and Finlay forearms him right in the back of the head (YEAH! Finlay's my man!) Snapmare takeover - big buttdrop. Finlay yanks on the nose and gives that famous elbow. "Finlay sucks" chant sucks. Back elbow off the ropes and the man is down. Arm bar - short arm clothesline. 1, 2, kickout at 2. Nelson backslide - 2 again. Jawbreaker. It's all Belfast tonight! Riiiiiiight. Headbutts. Snapmare again - knee to the head, dropped knee. Whip, reverse (here we go), Finlay with a shoulderblock (hey!). Finlay off the ropes, over, under - eww, a SECOND leapfrog doesn't work, badly - head meets groin and both men look hurt. Finlay is back up and standing on the man - kneedrop. Finlay with a headlock, dragged outside - T. meets the canvas. T eats an elbow and he hasn't gotten up from the mat since that botched leapfrog. Finlay back in the ring - European uppercut - T manages an armbar and a Harlem sidekick. Is he limping? Off the ropes, duck clothesline, flying jalapeno! 1, 2, kickout from Finlay. He must have shaken it off. To the corner we go, chop (woooo!), whip out - no Finlay stops and pushes him to the corner, but T puts up a boot for the charge. Forearm by Booker T, whip, Finlay holds on, T comes at him with a kick but misses and hits the top rope instead. Finlay follows him out with a double axehandle from the apron to the floor. The punishment continues - Fireman's carry - DROPS his chin on the apron. Finlay back in to argue with referee "Blind" Billy Silverman and piss off the crowd. T manages to get on the apron, so Finlay throws him a forearm and takes him back to the floor. Head to the STEEL steps as the ad break is announced. Arrrr.

But it's no ad break - it's Hollywood Hogan and Horace talkin' about the NWO - blood - I want you to lead the black and white - I can't act - I REALLY can't act - don't tell anybody what we're talking about, it's between you, me, and this here cameraman - I don't dare pursue acting - 4 life - I love you, my brother - ha ha ha. If they do this four more times...

Back in a locker room, Meng and Jimmy Hart dress - no, Ric Flair talks to Doug Dillenger about Eric's new assignment - head of custodial services. Bischoff's job is to clean the facilities tonight. It apparently smells bad - he'll have to use BLEACH tonight. "I have built this company to the point where it's one of the most succesful companies of Turner/Time-Warner and you want me to do THIS tonight?" Say, wasn't there...oh, I don't know...a MATCH going on? But Bischoff is GROANING so it's funny!

Booker T. fights out of a sleeper as we FINALLY return to the match. Elbow - botched snapmare - botched sleeper (I guess) - Finlay with a shot to break it up. Another European uppercut from the Bruiser. Wow, another one, snap. Finlay plays to the crowd, who hate him. Toss outside - he gets to the apron and gets a gutshot on Finlay - Sunset flip fails and Finlay drops a knee - there's another kneedrop. To the rear chinlock, knee firmly between the shoulderblades. Booker T. fighting back and the crowd plays along. Elbow from T, forearm to the back by Finlay. ON the turnbuckles we go - Booker T. elbows him off - Plancha off the top with a 1/2 twist, hey! 2 count. Finlay gets control but T ducks and hits a kick - there's the axe kick off the ropes. Belly-to-back suplex, breakdance, Harlem sidekick - I'm sensing it's over - missile dropkick from the top rope - thank you, good night. (14:33)

Kanyon and Raven walk into a bank, flanked by two cameramen. They get ten thousand in ones and ten thousand in big bills. Hmmm, I thought Raven was gay, what's he doing with all that G-string money...oh, I don't want to think about it. In fact, I wish this whole thing would just go away. Well, it isn't - Raven says he's going to give Kanyon a new look...stay tuned...

Closed captioning where available (eh?) provided by JOLLY TIME POPCORN!

We hear a toilet flush - Jimmy Hart comes out and asks for more toilet paper. The Faces of Fear - at least they use different stalls - Eric gets to say "Ahh, man! You guys are sick!" I thought toilet humor was kinda of a WWF thing...

Hollywood Hogan and Brian Adams - just between you, me, and the camerman, I want YOU, Brian Adams to lead the Black & White. Oh, good God almighty.

AD BREAK? Didn't we just HAVE ONE?

GENE O. works tonight! Time to continue the gabfest as Gene first says "shank of the evening," then brings out THE MAN to do a little talking. Hmmm, do they KNOW that since RAW *isn't* starting now, they don't have to do this now? Come to think of it, why are they trying SO HARD to....relax, relax, it's only hour one. There's only three more Black & White guys we have to see Hogan talk to in the last two hours...there's only fifteen more hilarious Bischoff the janitor sketches. Gene asks if Arn's okay and Ric replies "Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean..." completely ignoring the question. No, wait, Arn was apparently fine enough to say "Naitch, you're the Nature Boy" or something. No, I'm NOT in the mood. I'm coughing up stuff more entertaining than Flair's falsetto, honestly. Flair says tonight's Hall/Nash vs. McMichael/Flair will burn Buffalo to the ground. Do we WANT that? Flair has words for Hogan - he's gonna strip naked (Tony: "Oh, my!") - no wait...eww, PIT stains! Anything less would be uncivilised! Flair does NOT have a heart attack during this interview. Flair asks the United States Champion to come out while he mentions that he's going to abuse his power and strip Scott Hall of his title shot. As BRET CLARKE walks to the ring, trying very hard to favour his groin for the people, Flair does a lot of mocking with "the best there is..." and so on. Flair says that Hart will wrestle at SuperBrawl at - he has a surprise for him - and then he doesn't say who. (Hopefully Benoit you know). Hart goes off about how injured he is while Flair says "let's role play - you're Flair and I'm Bischoff." Is Hart in the NWO? I forget. Hart goes on about how he has doctors. Flair says he's got an opponent for Hart TONIGHT, and it's - oh - oh - oh. Roddy Piper. Flair gets a pretty good "Hot Rod" chant started, anyway. Then he tells Hall & Nash that it'll be "down there" tonight. And there's a crotch chop. Hey, look! It's WILL SASSO from MadTV! As if there wasn't enough going on around here. His sign says "HEY BRET! IS THERE A PROBLEM HERE?" which alludes to last Saturday's - oh, who cares.

Blonde: "Don't you wanna come sit next to me? I know you're not shy, I've seen the way you act on TV - I promise I won't bite - at least not too much. C'mere." Whoever she's talking to should PUT DOWN THE DAMN CAMERA and GO GET SOME.

Let's take a Special Video Look at the Tradition and History of the World Tag Team Titles. Arn! Steiners! Harlem Heat! Windham! Bagwell! Zbyszko! Luger! Sting! And so on! This was a pretty good history clip, yes indeed. YEAH! Nash's NOT BOTCHED powerbomb on the Giant is in here! TAPE THIS! Anyway, this clip likes the Horsemen, the Faces of Fear, Hennig & Windham, and the NWO in the curren tourney. So, by all means, go to Vegas and put your college fund down on Enos & Duncum! Because they like to SHOCK us with their booking! Finals of the tag team tourney is at SuperBrawl IX - 21 February.

The gooooooooooooorgeous Nitro Girls attempt to dance for your pleasure. Dirty Old Man Diamond Dallas Page looks on because Scott Steiner isn't here tonight.

Hollywood Hogan and Stevie Ray talk. Stevie manages to work in "sad sack" another time before Hogan asks Ray to lead the black & white, oh by the way, this is between you and me...and this here camera. Don't these guys ever WATCH Nitro in their off time? I swear, Hollywood's WHOLE PLAN would be ruined if ANY of these guys had the smarts to SET A DAMN VCR. I *almost* smiled when Hogan said "You're the man, Holmes."

HORACE (hogan) & BRIAN ADAMS (It's Only Love, and That's All) v. DENIM VEST WINDHAM & CURT HENNIG in a World Tag Team Title Tournament match - hey, don't show that "Hennig is Perfect" sign in the crowd! First match in almost half an hour, but hell, it just FLEW by, didn't it. Let's see how long we can stall - Hennig attacks Adams while his back is turned - Horace in and Windham on him - let's split up. Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson COMPLETELY ignores Horace and Windham on the outside while Adams botches a press slam - he gets it the second time. Non-descript brawling on the outside as Adams gets a 2 count. Hennig thrown out and Horace works on him while Robinson FINALLY notices people are outside and not in their corners. This now almost resembles a match as Horace and Windham go to their corners. Hennig thrown over the top rope, Adams follows, there's a headbutt - Windham is over, Horace is over. As we get them separated, it's time for an ad break.

Oh, no it isn't. Garza, Calo, Damien, and Ciclope ask "Eddie" for the "locion" and say "por favor" about a MILLION times. I can see the booking meeting for this. "Yeah, we don't have any time in these three hours to book you guys in matches - but - hey - I know! You guys can wash up and ask Eric for Old Spice in Spanish!" That said, it IS funny on a way-too-intellectual level to hear them call Bischoff "Eddie."

WCW Master Video something or other ad.

If I see ONE more ad telling me how uncool it is to smoke, I swear, I will START smoking.

As we come back, there's a figure four on Horace by Windham as Hennig applies leverage and Adams keeps the ref from watching by complaining uselessly. Somehow Horace comes back and I missed it - who cares - powerslam for 2. Lariat from Windham. Head to Hennig's boot and there's a tag. Snapmare, Hennig's Head Snap(tm), shot to Adams to distract him. Horace came back somehow and tagged Adams. Suplex by Adams for 2. Sleeper by Hennig as I force myself to not think maybe Bischoff was right about tag team matches. Well, all four men are fighting for no apparent reason again. Tony gives up on commentary and instead tries to invoke the Lost Art of Continuity by reminding us that Piper tried to turn Hart into the light so many months ago, and Hart manipulated him. Hennigplex and Horace manages to just barely break it up. VINCE(NZO) is out with the blackjack in his back pocket. STEVIE RAY is also out and making faces. Spike piledrive on Hennig and Adams covers for about 256 while Windham argues with Robinson. Okay, let's end this, shall we? Vince up on the apron, Stevie on the apron, wresting his blackjack back - Stevie accidentally hits Adams by mistake, Hennig falls on him - 1, 2, 3. (10:30) All four black and white guys argue as Skittles gives us replays of the end, because there WERE no highlights to report. Nope, not a one. The fact that Adams won the SnowBrawl is NEVER mentioned.

Blonde talking to camera: "What are you lagging for? Trust me, you have nothing to be worried about - I promise." She gets in an elevator. "Are you coming? Come ON...." and we stare at her cleavage again. Yeah, them pushup bras are amazing, aren't they?

Let's take a Special Video Look at Goldberg TALKING. "YOU'RE NEXT!" he said to Bigelow. And so he shall be ... at SuperBrawl IX.

WCW MasterCard ad.

Hollywood Hogan and Vince talk about the leader of the Black & White, between him, him, and the millions of viewers. Have you noticed that the commentary team has NOT ONCE mentioned anything about these vignettes? Or the blonde? Or Kanyon and Raven? See a pattern? Sigh.

Gene O. brings out BAM BAM BIGELOW to talk about cold beer. He still has no music but we do get a random THUNDER! clap. Bigelow quotes Hannibal Smith from the A-Team (he loves it when a plan comes together). Okerlund says Goldberg "is not just another ex-football player" (ooh, Gene!) and Bigelow reminds us that he's "extreme." Bigelow has a big repro of a recent newsie article spotlighting Goldberg's distaste for animal bloodsport, or something. Gene takes offense at the word "cockfights," I think. Bigelow says he's too worried about cockfights and bulldogs and not worried enough about the Beast from the East. "It says here, and I quote from Goldberg, he vows to make everybody in the WCW adopt an animal this year - well, hell, I'll take his old lady, and I'll put a leash around her, and I'll walk her once or twice, and I'll feed her some Alpo - whatever it takes! Whatever he wants!" Bigelow ROCKS the mic. Of course, GOLDBERG runs out and it's on. Bigelow does ok until Goldberg ducks a clothesline and hits a spear that actually turns into a big ol' shoulderblock. Security is swiftly dispatched - for, you see, a fight such as this you may not see for free. Bigelow's next, you know.

See the Nitro Girls 17-21 May on the BRUISE CRUISE! Or don't. Who cares.

Hey, look! Speak of the Nitro Girls! Speak of that pervert Diamond Dallas Page watching on!

Page, by the way, will be on LATER this Thursday. A clip of Rita Sever (host du jour - EVERYBODY but me has hosted this show) shows that ANYBODY can do a DDP interview. Then Page turns to the camera and CREEPS EVERYBODY OUT.

KENNY KAOS v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE - Tony goes ON and ON about how PROUD they are of their relationship with NBC. Just like ol' Will Sasso sittin' there...oops, that's FOX, isn't it. Page walks out through the crowd 'cause he's a suckup. Commentators fall all over themselves to talk about how great Page is to keep his wife out of that unsafe wrestling environment (unlike those many, MANY years when he hired Maxx Muscle to take care of that). "Hey, anybody want to job to Page tonight?" "I'LL do it!" "That's the spirit, Kenny! Sorry we never let you and Eaton take a serious part in that little tournament we're holding." "Hey, has anybody seen Rick Steiner?" "Who?" "Well, all right. Anybody seen Rage?" "Who?" "Aw, forget it. Yeah, I'll job to Page tonight." I PROMISE if Kaos wins I'll go back and redo this entire paragraph. Hey, Kaos just did a Smiley impersonation! Hey, where's that guy been lately? Hart and Piper tonight - that's a QUALITY, PAY-PER-VIEW QUALITY type match tonight. Hey, yeah, it WAS a pay-per-view match! It was for the WWF Intercontinental Title match, it was WrestleMania VIII, it was almost SEVEN YEARS AGO. Chew on THAT. (Second rope Diamond Cutter -> pin 5:49) Page walks up to the crowd to suck up as the sole replay is of the finisher because there were no highlights.

Raven and Kanyon go to Versace (Kanyon mispronounces it Ver-SAIS of course) and it's clothes shopping time. Cue the catwalk music! Cue Kanyon wearing outfits! GOD HELP US ALL. Raven calls Kanyon a jabrone just to insult our suspension of disbelief further. Oh, and I NEVER wanna see Kanyon in only a pair of briefs again. Thank you.

THUNDER! ad. Where else are you gonna hear the names "Jerry Flynn" and "Glacier" in a promo?

wcw.com - the only website that gets advertised TONIGHT!

Monday Night Jericho T-shirt ad. Hurry and get yours before they're gone!

We see lots of nightspots - apparently, Raven and Kanyon went there or something, but we don't see it. They're pulled in to the garage while Raven turns to the camera and says "the witch is home." Kanyon kayfabes Mrs. Levy (har, har) and she tells Raven that WCW called - they want him to come back to work. Raven says "I'll be okay -" then turns to the camera, with a wink and a smile, and says "she's not too bright, is she?" a special insight between performer and viewer, ah I'm all tingly inside. For I have seen the future - and it's name is JOHNNY POLO. Hell, let's just reunite him with Scott Hudson on commentary and we can pretend it's the GWF for cryin' out loud! So what about "Jim?" Oh, we saw him last week and didn't recognise him at all. What about Chastity? What about me? What about RAVEN?

THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION THE CAT (with Sonny Onoo, Mr. Rimmer, Mr. Lister, Kryten and Holly) hits the ring and forces ring announcer DAVID PENZER to remind the audience that he'd like to be known as "the greatest of all-time...and the greatest looking athlete today." Cat pretends he's Muhammed Ali for about fifteen hours as I notice we've averaged two matches an hour - oh, I didn't mention Bobby Heenan is at the commentary table. "You suck" chant is quieted - then Cat manages to say "suck" without it getting muted.

Meanwhile, we cut to the black & white dressing room, where Adams is holding an icepack to his slapjacked region, har har. They manage to convince Vince that Cat called him out, I think - for some reason, we can barely HEAR anybody in this bit.

Cat talks some more.

Vince tries to get Disco Inferno to take on Cat in his stead, but Disco ain't fallin' for that stone cold jive.

Cat's been talking about five minutes now. FINALLY that familiar music fires up

THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION THE CAT (with Sonny Onoo) v. VINCENZO - WHY must we have this black-on-black violence? Oh wait, Vince goes for Onoo - Cat comes out and attacks from behind. Back in the ring we finally go and let the beatdown commence. I guess Scott Norton isn't here tonight - remember last week Norton demolished the Cat, yup, well, amazingly enough the commentators DO remember this as Vince gets a smidgen of offense in on the Cat. There's that superkick that launched a thousand ... I dunno, finish the joke, I've still got an hour to try to be funny. Onoo got in his shot, ok. Now they're back and forth - Vince just threw an elbow, got nothing but security guy, who completely no-sold the blow. That's so unintentionally funny... We're back in the ring and we're back to the back and forth. Now it's all the Cat. He's a three time champion, you know. Repeated rights (possibly martial arts blows even) from the Cat, stand on the throat - Vince manages a jawbreaker. Atomic drop. Right hand misses, superkick does not. Cat whips, clotheslines. Yet another superkick from the Cat. Whip off the ropes, martial arts kick - Vince laid on the canvas - Cat to the top as Onoo hits the apron for no apparent reason - oh, it's so Vince can pull him into the Cat, crotching him on the turnbuckle. Small package - 1, 2, 3. Are you as confused as I am? Vince wins via pinfall and the Cat has an 0-2 streak going against the black and white. (4:21)

Local cable ad plugs St. Valentine's Day Massacre - this is probably MY only chance to remind you that the WWF is In Your House on SUNDAY! Oh, and it's Valentine's Day, too. Don't forget!

Wednesday is the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit '99 special - what does this have to do with anything? I dunno

Let's cut away from it as we see Scott Steiner has appeared and is hitting on Kimberly (who is dressed to leave even though there's an hour left in the show) - hey, there's DDP, who takes it to Steiner. A bevy of security intervenes and separates the two, but not before Steiner takes the rentacar that Kimberly has entered and drives off - no, wait, there's a U-ie and he's coming right AT Page. A door opens and Kimberly (or, more likely, her stunt double) is thrown from the car and rolls to a stop face down. Watching this, I found myself wondering who this must have happened to recently for Bischoff to write it into a story (see - Olypmic bombing, governor with heart attack, and so on) Immediate ad break to heighten the "realism."

When we come back, she's been rolled back over at the EMT's command. She's made up nicely to give the impression that she'll have to be out a few weeks, possibly for some facial surgery or some sort. Kimberly does some - I think it's acting. Commentators fall over themselves to tell us what an evil, awful, idiot of a man Scott Steiner is as we watch her get loaded into the ambulance. Hey, you know what would be cool? If Buff were driving the ambulance. No, wait, actually, NOTHING would make this cool. It's just not compelling. It makes me think of Buff, really, and how they tried OVER AND OVER to think that he'd reinjured his neck, to the point where they blew twenty minutes of PPV time even though the ENTIRE WORLD (save the three dummies at the commentary table) knew it wasn't happening and you shouldn't fuck with people's emotions by even TRYING fake crap like that. GEEZ.

Dost thou joustest with the meaning of fabled promos of yore? Hey, that knight looks a LOT like Edge! Anyway, SuperBrawl IX is two Sundays henceforth.

MadTV clip shows Sasso as Ventura and Hart as the evil Hart. Later, Hart works over Sasso but good. I saw this bit and it was pretty good, but I still like SNL better.

Larry Zbyszko prattles on and on to Eric Bischoff while grooming himself, then makes a mess on his thousand dollar shoes, and tells Bischoff to bleach the floor. Eric smells the bleach - didn't your mother ever TELL you what that does to your nasal passages?

BRET CLARKE v. ROWDY RODDY PIPER for the WCW United States Heavyweight Title - in case anyone is in doubt that Bret Hart is the greatest wrestler currently working in the Big 2, watch this match. If he makes Piper watchable, he IS that good. That's all there is to it. Of course, the commentators have to talk all about Steiner and Kimberly and Page and hey, they haven't mentioned ONCE Raven, Kanyon, the blonde, Bischoff in the bathroom, Hogan and any member of the black and white. You'd think it being so long since they've seen him, the commentators would try a LITTLE more to be excited about seeing the guy - hey, maybe THEY don't want to see him either! Naah. Hart and Piper have a little tet a tet in the middle of the ring before the opening bell. Hart shoves, Piper slaps, and it's on. Piper is a flurry of punches and bites, Hart thrown out and Piper follows. Chop here, chop there, barricade here, back in we go, Sasso in the front row and hamming it up like the biggest fan in the world (literally?) Ten Punch Count Along only goes to nine for Piper because he's so old. Hart fights back with some rights. Elbow. Whip off the ropes, kick is caught, Piper takes him down with the other leg - Hart backs up to the ropes. Piper teases a groin shot but referee "Blind" Mickey Jay prevents the illegal tactic. Hart is out and working a limp for nobody's sympathy. Hart is stalling nicely here. Back in we go, Hart still trying to ake a groin injury. Fists a flyin' here, back and forth, Piper breaks it up with his measured eyepoke as a TV-PG-V box appears for no apparent reason (at the 2.5 hour mark? Zuh?) Hart choking Piper on the second rope and not breaking. Suddenly Hart grabs his groin even though Piper didn't do anything (despite Tony calling a phantom move) - ahhh, it's Hart FAKING it - Tony admits he didn't SEE a move as trainer DANNY YOUNG makes an appearance to be fooled, along with Jay and the commentators. Piper walks around trying to figure what's going on as Jay directs him to a neutral corner. Hart continues to sell his - no, he POPS up and beats up Piper from behind. Hart is the COOLEST MOFO ON EARTH. Let's take an ad break as Hart works the crowd into a frenzy.

If you are all ready to send me another complaint letter asking me how I can like THIS and hate Windham & Hennig doing "the same thing," please, don't bother. You don't "get it."

When we come back, Hart is again choking Piper on the second rope. Side Russian legsweep (Tenay: "One of the first wrestling moves of this match...") Hart goes to PIPER'S groin. Two rights from Hart. Rake of the face on the top rope. Piper tries to come back but Hart's punching in bunches. Backbreaker. 2 count. Piper just compared to Fit Finlay - SOMEBODY should be insulted there. Hart to the eyes. Right hand. Clothesline takes Piper up and over - Hart follows and it's choke with the cable time following a flurry of punches. Jay breaks his count to come out and try to break it up - Hart lets go at 4 and walks over to Sasso - PULLS HIM OVER THE RAIL and gives HIM a choke while he's at it. Piper makes the save with a cable choke of his own. Jay manages to take the cable away while Piper gains some big mo in the ring. Suplex!! from Piper! 1, 2, kickout. Belly-to-back suplex from Piper! 1, 2, kickout! Piper knows as many suplexes as Hogan, I HAVE seen everything. Hart begs off in the corner, then kicks him in the gut. Now they're trading blows. Piper sleeper! But they sandwich Jay in the corner. Mid-ring collision and everybody's out except Sasso who is jumpin' around like an idiot. Heenan notices Hart's gone for the international object, GOOD call - Piper with an inside cradle but the ref's out - Hart kicks out anyway. Hart LEVELS Piper with the knux. Kneedrop as Jay tries to shake himself back into this world. Hart is dragging the ref, but Sasso is holding on - Sasso lets go, Jay flies, Hart tumbles, into a cradle - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a NEW United States Heavyweight Champion. (12:59) Well, I'm not happy about that, but you know what? It wasn't a half bad match and it's TOTALLY thanks to Bret Hart. Heenan calls Sasso "Fatso" during the replays which I'm ashamed to laugh so loudly at.

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is ALSO brought to you by SKITTLES! The candy for the RAINBOW crowd! (Oh, you didn't know? Yeah, only gay people can eat Skittles. You didn't hear that from me, though.)

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Bashin' Brawlers (heygetoffmy - NOSE!), Hi-Ener-G placebos, Arrid XX TotalSport, Moen faucets, and LA Looks hair stuff.

OUTSIDERS (with Disco InferNWO) v. THE MAN & STEVE McMICHAEL - I wasn't paying attention, but I THINK Hall said "Hey yo" after a couple false starts, and I THINK Nash said "Wolfpack in the house" shortly thereafter, but the next thing I knew there was an ad break.

Mortal Kombat is NEXT!

Let's Take a Special Video Look at Flair and Hogan, because they're in the main event 13 days from now (as opposed to any sort of match that's gonna take place MAYBE minutes from now)

No, wait, here's the blonde talking to the camera. "It seems kinda hot in here, doesn't it? *Whut?* You don't think I'm trying to seduce you, do you? Why don't you sit down - SIT DOWN - I'll be right back." And we leave whatever in the hotel room. The commentators act like it never happened. Of course.

(AFTER THE FACT: somebody on Usenet id'd the blonde in question as fitness model Torrie Wilson. Now, I ain't sayin' she IS or she ISN'T - I'd need a nice Wonderbra shot to be sure - but she is quite attractive anyway, yup.)

Flair and Hall tie up immediately while McMichael dispatches Nash to the outside. Double team on Hall - Flair hiptoss and Hall goes outside to seek solace. Hey, they're SMILING. "Oh, look, we're gonna wrestle. Huh huh huh." Hall back in and on Flair. Repeated rights. Flair spings it around and chops HIM in the corner (woooo!), punches, chops (woooo!), one for Nash, who comes in - Mongo is in and clips him! Flair keeps punching away on Hall and now they're both on the outside again - hey, maybe THAT'S why they're called the Outsiders! Hall isn't smiling this time at least. Hall back in - lockup, to the corner, Hall climbs the corner and hits a Five Punch Mini-Count Along - Flair picks him up and hits an atomic drop. Hall does a nice Rick Rude impersonation, then hits a clothesline. Both men up at 4. Flair off the ropes, Hall blocks the punch and lands one of his own. Hall whips Flair into the corner and hits a follow clothesline. FLAIR FLOP! Right hand, right, whip into the opposite corner, Flair hits a back elbow and climbs to the top - that NEVER works - Hall tosses him into the middle of the ring. Abdominal stretch - Flair hiptosses him - elbowdrop is doubleclutched but on target. Hall manages a tag to Nash - whip - Flair grabs the rop and tags McMichael. Will he turn here? Everyone's expecting that so no. Ha! Shoulderblock, no one moves. Nash says do it again! Mongo stomps on a foot and knocks him down with a shoulderblock. Hall in - scoop slam! SCOOP SLAM ON NASH! That looked darn good there. Mongo pepering Nash with punches - Nash whips into the rope, Hall attacks from behind, big boot to the face by Nash and let the heat segment commence. Flair distracts the ref and there's a no tag. Hall all over Mongo. Tag to Nash, all over Mongo. Tony asks where Sting is because it annoys me. Repeated knees from Nash. Framed elbow with extra special crotch chop beforehand. Foot on the neck. Hall hits a left-handed lariat from the apron whlie referee "Blind" Charles Robinson is distracted. Tag to Hall. Fallaway slam. 1, 2, shoulder up. Tag to Nash. They take turns delivering rights. Hall back in, off the ropes, sleeper. Tony reminds us that these guys had problems only a few months ago - or did they? (Idiot.) Jawbreaker counter to the sleeper. We're in overtime now. Nash tells Hall to keep McMichael from tagging and he fails to - Flair in and the crowd completely missed the tag because they're not going nuts. Flair all over Hall - atomic drop - commentators JUST figured out there was a tag. Flair works the knee - Nash steps over the top rope - so Flair crotches him (good idea!) and chops him (woooo!) to the floor. Now, right here, watch this. As Flair puts the figure four on Scott Hall - EVERYBODY STANDS AND LOOKS TO THE ENTRANCE WAY. They KNOW that this is gonna end in a run-in and screwjob. THAT, more than anything else, is the SADDEST thing EVER to associate with WCW. THAT is why, on a night where they once again have the opportunity to shine and stand out and say "Hey! Give us a chance and we can make you, as a wrestling fan, happier than you could be with the other program!" they INSIST on pulling shit like this and proving they're clueless about what the people want to see. A split screen shot shows Eric Bischoff handing Hogan a bucket of something - we all know it's bleach because of the wonderful foreshadowing we've been treated to all night - and get this, the COMMENTATORS DON'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE the other picture. Hogan walks by four downed security men as Heenan starts "Look, everybody's--" and is cut off because he's NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW IT'S GOING ON. The funny thing is, because all the commentators see is Hogan walking with a bucket, they have to MAKE UP action to call - remember, their backs are to the action and they rely on a television in front of them to call what's going on. Lame, lame, lame. Somehow, Hall and Flair are up and colliding in the middle of the ring as we finally get off the picture of Hogan WALKING. The 10 count is on - the crowd cries as YOU KNOW WHO makes his appearance, and is noticed for the first time ALL NIGHT by the commentators. Bucket in hand - Disco holding Flair but Flair's trick knee acts up and Disco is crotched. Hogan calmly turns to McMichael and levels HIM with whatever it is. Mongo acts blinded as he's supposed to while Hogan flees from Flair into the ring - oops, both Outsiders are still in there. Doubleteam is on. Hogan has his weight belt - Flair with a double Golotta on both Outsiders - Disco in to try the Chartbuster but Flair Golotta's HIM - GOLDBERG is out - spear for Disco Inferno - BAM BAM BIGELOW is out - Robinson FINALLY calls for the bell (no contest 10:44) as Goldberg clears the ring of all but Flair - Tony says "what a way to end WCW Monday Nitro!"

What a way, indeed.

Oh, it's OKAY because there was only one finish that wasn't clean. Uh uh, guess which one finish the people remember as they go home. Guess which one finish is the one people remember as they turn off the television.

WISE UP ALREADY.

RAW is live next Monday, and it actually SADDENS me to say that they have nothing to worry about because WCW couldn't turn me to their side tonight. Sure, the Saturday show will suck the high hard one, but it doesn't count. The US Open RAW Saturday Nights sucked just as badly but they came back strong in September.

WCW can't out-WWF the WWF. Shows like tonight prove that so many times over that I don't know why they try. How can they manage to perfectly balance their soaring highs (the Blitzcrieg/Rey Mysterio, Jr. match, Hart is given thirteen minutes to tell a story in the ring) with such awful, awful, bottom-scraping lows? (I won't mention them AGAIN, you'll know 'em when you see 'em) What's a wrestling fan to do? Tape, fast forward, read some guy's recap on the Web. That's fine for YOU. But what about ME?