HEY LISTEN UP WCW: The FINISH of the MAIN EVENT affects the ENTIRE PERCEPTION of the WHOLE FREAKIN' PAY PER VIEW. You need an example? Take away McMahon's table bump and Wight's appearance from the St. Valentine's Day Massacre, take away David Flair's ski mask and taser, and SuperBrawl KICKS WWF ASS. But GOD. I mean, we all knew TWO weeks ago that this was how things were going to go but none of us DARE EVEN SPOKE OR THOUGHT because we so *desperately* wanted something, ANYTHING else to happen. Of course, it didn't. NOW all we have left as wrestling fans (and by "we," of course, I mean "me and that guy over there") is the thin strand of hope to cling to that all the NONSENSE that took place last night on the dime of the customer would SOMEHOW make sense in a larger picture after we watched tonight's show. The problem is, so many people have been holding their collective breath for so long that people have been DROPPING like flies around here. Who's next? Who's LEFT?

MORE WCW STUPIDITY: Geez, don't they have anything BETTER to do than sue Sean Shannon and the NWWWO? I mean, how LAME can you get? I haven't heard about anything this dumb happening since Island and U2 went out of their way to try to destroy Negativland. It's just so TOTALLY not worth pursuing and you can't help but think about what that energy could be accomplishing put to better use. (Of course, I could say the same thing about the NWWWO - ooops, I mean somebody else could say that - umm, yeah, I think Hyatte said that! It was Hyatte! Go get him, Shannon! And don't forget to unnecessarily trash Bret Hart and rec.sport.pro-wrestling.* for me!)

TV-PG-DV Here's some stills of that tragedy that was SuperBrawl IX - where a white-hot Oak-town crowd just got quieter - and quieter - and quieter as the night went on. Hear Tony for the first time mention the mysterious camera babe by saying we'd seen her "so many times on this program" (how would HE know?) and watch David Flair surprise no one by being the mysterious camera man. It's just SO sad.

We are LIVE from the Arco Arena in Sacramento, CA - home of the NBA Kings (slogan: "You Must Take Us Seriously This Year") 22.2.99 for WCW Monday Nitro - we have new World Tag Team Champions (ALSO the ones nobody want) and your hosts, Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and thelivinglegend Larry Zbyszko, are all over how disappointing David Flair acted. Tonight, Flair and Flair have a confrontation, oh boy. There's even a special set for this confrontation - matching checkerboard sofas and all. Can it get better?

RIKI RACHTMAN ("Hey, I used to be on MTV! REmember me?) is somewhere at Cal Berkeley (slogan: "Stanford Beats Us Every Year") at a Nitro Party - if only I'd KNOWN...I could have STILL stayed home. Apparently, as part of Cinn-A-Burst's Spring Breakout, we're going to have to endure this for six weeks! Feel the Burst!

Big ol' long clip of fun and games at Cal. I've spent a lot of time walking around that campus, and I SEEM to remember it being more fun than a Nitro party. But then, I never had Spice autograph my bicep either. Hmmm... let me get back to you on that.

Clip from "Konnan's Second Music Video" because this is what Hell is like.

Opening Credits

This portion of the Monday Nitro cavalcade of interviews, promos and special video looks is brought to you by Baby Ruth! Ooh, Baby!

Nitro Girls calendar ad

And here's the REST of the Nitro Girls! Boy, if I'd paid to see Nitro Live, I'd be PISSED that I only get Jazz, Tygress, Chae and Storm! Coming up later tonight, a NITRO GIRL SWIMSUIT EXPOSE! (Where it is exposed that they can't...oh NEVER MIND) And also we'll see Rey Mysterio Jr. without his mask. FIREWORKS!

Last night, of course, for the truly stupid, money could be spent on SuperBrawl IX. If you HAD paid for it, you probably would have seen Bam Bam Bigelow and Goldberg move a BIT faster than in these still frames - although admittedly not much.

JERRY (It is my Lightning Foot destiny to open every Nitro) FLYNN v. (Not in Disorderly Conduct) MEAN MIKE ENOS - Tony: "Many of you saw the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on Friday night when Goldberg laid out that big challenge - and it's very apparent out there that there's a lot of people out there that try to talk the talk, but when push comes to shove, they can't walk the walk." What the HELL is he talking about? By the way, Calista Flockhart IS Karen Carpenter. How uncomfortable was it to watch HER that night? His suspension over, referee "Blind" Scott Dickinson is back in the ring as the third man. Coming up later, Tony Schiavone mediates a meeting between David and Ric Flair which can only have the inensity of a Maury Povich show (thought I'd say Springer, didn'tcha). Flynn rolls through an Enos scoop slam into a cross arm breaker, and Enos taps. (4:17) What, you wanted play by play? Sign in crowd: I LOVE JERRY FLYNN'S MULLET. Well, hell, so do I.

Backstage, Torrie Wilson tells David Flair she's so proud of him. We don't actually know she's Torrie Wilson, but Gene mentioned the name on Saturday Night, so there you go. David says he's gonna make sure Ric knows it's his time to shine now.

By the way, wasn't it INCREDIBLY annoying to hear Scott Hudson and Larry Zbyszko go ON AND ON about how they were waiting for a "note from the Executive Committee" to announce an additional SuperBrawl match, only to hear them bring up a Return Dress match Gene had already mentioned an ENTIRE HOUR earlier in the show? Oops. You'd think, having SO MUCH TIME to edit together a Saturday Night show, SOMEBODY would be on the ball over there. And also, I have no life for spending a Saturday afternoon watching two hours of WCW on TV.

TCI locally promos Uncensored here.

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Bashin' Brawlers ("Yousmashedmy - HEAD!"), Slim Jim, Sudden Change Scam Cream, America (ha!) Online, Hot Pockets and Aqua Velva IceSport - oh, the smell of it

Backstage, Gene O. is with Booker T. The Harlem Hangover is back, baby, it's gone be one like neckbone. Tonight, Bret Hart takes on Booker T. in a match which Gene suggests might determine the #1 Contender for Scott Hall's United States Championship. The knee is 100%, OGB, now can you dig it. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! "Sucka" is not said.

More with Riki Rachtman at 1-800-CAL-I-mean-COLLECT. He's "proud to be part of the Nitro family." You mean he's gonna be there PERMANENTLY? We meet the winner of a Panama City trip, Marco oh who cares.

Backstage, Vince welcomes back Scott Norton from Japan. Vince tells Norton that he's in charge of the black & white, and Norton seems skeptical. Hey, Vince, I thought Hollywood asked you to keep it SECRET!

Let's watch this scene from "Mortal Kombat" featuring - damn, who is that guy? I seem to recall him being on Nitro once...oh, yeah, it's Wrath! Too bad he's ready to sign with the other company and can't be pushed or on Nitro anymore...except, of course, in a clip from a show following...

TCI is now advertising a Backstreet Boys concert that happened two weeks ago. What is this, cable for people with time machines?

Closed captioning delivered courtesy Western Union!

Scott Steiner - Diamond Dallas Page - Kimberly Page - I feel like I've taken this special video look before...but it's a bit new, as they tack on the statement from the lawyer and also Steiner adding the stipulation last week on THUNDER! that if he won, he'd get Kimberly for 30 days. This is what folks in the business call "storyline progression." After this rolls, Tony says "well, nobody ever agreed to that stipulation in WCW!" which means somebody realised it was a stupid thing to do and they retroactively rewrote the script. Well, give 'em a point.

FAR OUT VAN HAMMER v. BAM BAM BIGELOW - Rather than talk about THIS match, Tony mentions that later tonight, we'll see more of Konnan's New Crappy Music Video, the Nitro Girls Exposed (or something) and Tony Schiavone's Very Special Intervention Betwixt Father and Son. Oh, and maybe also some wrestling. I think the funniest sign I saw last night at SuperBrawl said "DENAIR IS NWO COUNTRY." No, it isn't. I mean, there's LOCAL flavour and then there's taking it too far, come on. Denair. Denair is a suburb of TURLOCK, for crying out loud. Gimme a break. What, you wanted play by play? Bigelow says "sucks" and it gets by the TNT censor. This match goes on for like an hour - the commentary team actually RUNS out of things to talk about and has to start talking about Hak - what the hell kinda name is Hak anyway? Hammer misses a big boot in the corner (causing him to loudly exclaim "Bummer!") and walks into the Greetings from Asbury Park for the pinfall. I can't BELIEVE they got nine minutes. (9:02)

WCW Monday Nitro Spring Breakout is brought to you by Cinn-A-Burst and 1-800-COLLECT! In case you were wondering.

Sign in crowd: "ARCO SERVES MINORS" - that's funny on many levels.

Here's the Road to Spring Break Out bus - featuring Buff Bagwell and Scott Steiner pickin' up chicks or something. Apparently some blonde steals their Humvee and we'll catch up next week in Rahleigh for more of their exciting adventures!

In a clip that is probably not supposed to be part of that last clip, but who can tell, anyway? Goldberg is posing for photos - Scott Steiner walks in and talks some smack, then leaves. Goldberg says one day he's gonna beat him up or something.

Who's next? You're next! Next to play WCW/NWO THUNDER! on your PlayStation!

Last night on SuperBrawl, some stills were taken in the Piper/Hall United States title bout. "Piper used the atomic drop, many other exciting moves..." Oh shut up, Tony. These stills actually show more motion than...wait, I already used that joke earlier.

BRET CLARKE v. BOOKER T. to determine the #1 contender to the United States Championship - well, FINALLY, fifty minutes into the show, something I can get up for. So if Hart puts BT over here NOW, what was the point of Hart refusing to drop the title to him a few short weeks back? I guess by watching how this match goes we'll REALLY have a pretty good idea of where Hart fits in with the big bookers' plans, won't we? I think Hart said "hi" to his cat in here, too. "Feeling out process" to start. Finally they lock up, to the corner, clean break. Hart complains that T's greased up. Tony refers to a clip of backstage activity! Maybe they're coming around? Lockup, wristlock by T, wrenching the arm around, Hart rolls to the mat, nips up and reverses into a hammerlock of his own. T with a back elbow - Hart walks outside and works every fan in the front row. T offers to part the ropes for Hart, but nothing doing. Hart back in after referee "Blind" Charles Robinson backs him up. T puts some moves together and we end up with a side headlock. Hart tries to push out, off the ropes, shoulderblock, armdrag takeover and Hart AGAIN rolls to the outside. Hart's MO lately has been the big stall at the start - which works but only when you get a LOT of time to develop the match. Back in, lockup, to the corner, reverse, Tony says "Sting" as Hart lays into T with some rights. Right to the jaw is I would say "deliberate." By which I mean slow. Snapmare. In the centre of the ring, rear chinlock by Hart. Crowd is NOT chanting "boring," which is a testament to Hart's ability to get across a story to the fans. Have I built up Hart enough for you yet? Ha ha. Back up, Hart keeps Booker T. from getting control - to the corner, several blows, blatant choke. To the opposite corner, T FINALLY reverses and gains control. Follow lariat. Whip into opposite corner and follow lariat again. T. pulls him out, there's a kick, there's an axe kick, 1, 2, no. Crowd is fairly rabid. T to the armbar and calling to the crowd.

Now, for absolutely NO reason at all, we cut to a split screen with the satellite truck, where Disco Inferno talks to the satellite guy. The NWO is gonna pirate the satellite signal around 10:50 or 11, and the satellite guy is gonna fix it for them. Coincidentally, it's time for RAW to start. THIS is gonna keep people glued to the set? I really think they'd have done better sticking with Booker T. and Bret Hart.

Speaking of which, Hart has a near fall as I spy a "WATCH RAW" sign in the first row. Tony talks about the clip, then as if to say hi to me, says "Somebody say something here - am I the only one that saw that?" Okay, okay, you've let me know you're addressing the madness. Thank you, WCW. But cut to backstage footage during the nine minute Bigelow/Hammer match instead of this one, huh? Side Russian legsweep for 2. Tony speculates that Disco had scheduled this cut 'cause he didn't want us to see Booker T. wrestle and they ALMOST win me over with that story. But I'm not buyin'. Hart takes Booker T. out to the floor and pounds away - T fires back - again - Hart has a chair and there's a shot to the gut. Headbutt to the small of the back, repeat. Hart rolls him back in and fires up the crowd with a single look. He's the Master! Side backbreaker. 1, 2, no. Head to the lower abs. Later tonight, Tony tries to mediate between father and son on a very special Nitro. To the corner, semi-blatant choke. Tony announces that he'll have to leave the booth to get ready for that interview (thank GOD). Booker T. puts up an elbow to stop a charging Hart and both men are down. Both men up at 7 - face rake by Hart. Tony calls him "Stevie Ray" 'cause he's racist and they all look alike. Side suplex by Hart and Tony's outta here. Legdrop by Hart. Another legdrop as Tenay actually attempts a little play-by-play, shocking the ears of the entire audience. Hart holds onto the ropes, and goes up and down with the boot. I think something was muted there. Scorpion Deathlock is applied a wee bit too close to the ropes - before it's on, T pulls the hair rolls through into a small package for 2. Hart kicks a field goal with T's midsection. Face rake on the rope by Hart. Kidney punch. Scoop and a slam. FIGURE FOUR! T is doing the cool writhing thing - 2 count while the shoulders are down. Crowd is BEGGING for T to get out of it. T raises the fist and the crowd goes nuts. T tries to roll - but no. Another 2 count for Hart. T tries again for a roll - and does! Hart immediately grabs the rope and the hold is broken. Both men slow to get up - Hart is up now, and T isn't. Hart back to the choke for 4. Elbow to the back of the head by Hart. Whip off the rope, T ducks, flying jalapeno! Hart is up but meets a boot to the gut, then a spinning heel kick. T calls to the crowd. Sidewalk slam (called "side slam" by Tenay in a compromise) - breakdance by T, let's raise the roof (or move along the story) - Hart pops up and gets T crotched on the top rope - Hart up - SUPERPLEX!!! Both men down and crowd is hot. Hart BARELY up at 9. Sharpshooter is applied as Hart waves "bye-bye" to the crowd. But they're too close to the ropes and T holds on to the bottom rope. Hart won't let the hold go until Robinson says 5, BARELY beating the count. Hart driving with two buttdrops onto the lower back, using the ropes for extra impact. Picking him up, Hart whips - T reverses - Sunset flip attempt by Hart is reversed as T sits back down and hooks the legs - 1, 2, 3!!!!!!!! Booker T. is the #1 Contender. (17:43) Is there ANY chance a Booker T./Scott Hall match will be this good? And where can Hart go from here? Oh, the bittersweet life of a wrestling fan...

One more shot of the Flair set - Schiavone tests out his mic. I wonder if any of that furniture will get broken...

WCW/NWO Magazine ad

Another clip of "Konnan's Brand New Music Video" - we'll watch it in it's entirety later tonight. And I might say something amusing.

Still shots of last night's big pelo contra mascara match which saw Lex Luger on the outside, yet still managing to help Hall & Nash get the best of Mysterio and Konnan and remove the mask of Rey Mysterio, Jr. so we don't get bald Liz. (Yeah, who thought THAT would happen, huh?) Later tonight, another Nash/Mysterio mismatch.

DISCO INFER-NWO v. GLACIER HAYASHIRYU - David Penzer: "Ladies and gentlemen, because this match involves international competition, the Disco Inferno would like you to please rise so he may sing the National Anthem!" GOD DAMMIT, that's MY gimmick! YOU tell me they aren't going out of their WAY to appeal to me this week. Disco's mic is unmercifully cut short. Kaz Hayashi bought Glacier's outfit at a THUNDER! flea market a while back, okay. Sign in crowd: "VACAVILLE IN THE HOUSE" I didn't even pick up on the fact that Tony was back at the commentary table but the mic check must be done. Kaz does a sweet no-hands tope over the top rope and I guess *I* should start paying attention to this match. Hayashi with a dropkick to the back of the had to a seated Disco. Rear chinlock, Inferno elbows out. Dropkick from Kaz. Off the ropes, Disco holds on and Kaz hits the mat. BIG lariat and Kaz lands RIGHT on his head. DAMN. After a strut, Disco only gets 2. Slam. Second rope forearm drop but only 2. Disco to the rear chinlock. We're up, we're elbowing out. Off the ropes, Hayashi with a Sunset flip for 2. Disco comes back with a vertical suplex. Off the ropes, something flubbed, Hayashi comes off the ropes with a spinning heel kick. Disco tries a powerbomb, but Hayashi counters and comes down with a Rocker dropper. Pickup - backbreaker - Hayashi to the top turnbuckle - senton with nothing but mat. Disco with the swinging neckbreaker, Chartbuster, and pin. (6:03)

Brian Adams tells Scott Norton that Hollywood made him the man. Scott stifles a grin to himself and goes along with it. Adams does a better job with this than Vincent did. Not that it really matters - this is like choosing which plague you'd like to die of.

Hey look, it's (some of) the Nitro Girls! Bobby Heenan joins the commentators at the commentary table.

Oh, boy! Another shot of that exciting CAL Nitro Party! They're doing da LIMBO! And Whisper chews Cinn-A-Burst!

Aw we gaze 'pon the Awesome 3, we see that Bobby Heenan is openly brandishing his "WCW/NWO Magazine Reader's Choice Award" for Best Announcer. Then they talk some more about Ric and David because it's probably the least interesting thing they could talk about.

Then again...SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER & BUFF IS THE STUFF make their way to the ring as we learn that Diamond Dallas Page has been written out of the script for a little while. Steiner brings a chick into the ring with him. Sorry, that's one of his hooches. Something is muted that probably wasn't what the TNT censor thought it was. Steiner AGAIN says he gets Kimberly for 30 days despite Tony saying it's not true. Steiner says that Kimberly will call him "Big Bad Booty Daddy." While DDP will be lying on his back, Kimberly will be lying on HER back....okay, that's enough. Hmmm, after the music starts up Steiner says "I'm not done yet!" and then goes on for a bit more. He's taken out his brother, he's taken out Page, he mentions Sting for no good reason, and says the only man left is Goldberg. Goldberg, you're next! This time "hoo-" gets censored for no good reason. Steiner says he's challenging Goldberg - TONIGHT! Oh boy! Let's lock up the television title!

Another clip from that music video I'm NOT gonna want to see by the time they show it - most likely in the third hour

Bruise Cruise ad. Tony drops some names for the first time - Disco Inferno, Kidman, Perry Saturn, Diamond Dallas Page, and a special autograph session with Goldberg! But whatever will Saturn WEAR?

Still shots from the tag team finals, where the Horsemen took the first fall, but Windham & Hennig used devious means to immediate take the second fall. Tony announces that there was a melee following that match last night, and we'll learn more about it later.

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with JPS Ralphus) v. HUGH MORRUS (with James Hart) - Ralphus finally gets a mention in the graphic - probably payment for coming to the ring in a dress. Jericho intimates that Saturn just might be....well....you know...for walking away after planting the ref in their return dress match last night instead of getting the sure pinfall to stop having to wear the dress. Morrus has a new strange haircut. Morrus all over him to start. Jericho slaps him. The chase is on. Round and round we go, back in, Jericho puts the boots to him as he comes back in, whip off the ropes is reversed, Morrus picks him up and lets him fall. Morrus with the whip, Jericho slides under, Morrus picks him up and there's a half hour press slam. Commentators are remarking on Jericho's losing streak (wink wink). Morrus climbs the ropes - Jericho tries to attack, but Morrus shoves him off. Top rope elbow drop misses. Jericho with a superkick and Morrus goes on the outside. Jericho with a top rope plancha to the floor! Jericho grabs a bouquet of flowers and whips Morrus with it. Jericho does his crane dance in the ring. Snap suplex by Jericho, arrogant cover only gets 2. Rear chinlock. Jericho slaps him - oh oh, made him mad. Whip off the ropes, big lariat by Morrus. "I am going to attempt, fans, to call this match." Quote that man! Morrus knocks him down and does a mocking version of Jericho's crane dance. Jericho dropkicks him in the knee. Snapmare. Bow'n'arrow type hold as we take a longing gaze Ralphus' way. Morrus turns the hold around but Jericho flips up, catching Morrus in the jaw with a kick on his way up. Neat move. Off the ropes, Morrus catches him and drops him powerbomb style. Whip into the corner - freight train splash by Morrus. Whip into the opposite corner, there's another avalanche. Third time, he misses as Jericho steps aside - feet on the ropes - 1, 2, no. Whip, reversal, powerslam by Hugh Morrus. He's going up - Ralphus grabs the leg! Hart takes a chair and makes a move for Ralphus - but PERRY SATURN is out and stripping the dress off Ralphus. He tosses Ralphus in the ring, so referee "Blind" Mickey Jay is distracted trying to get HIM out of the ring. Hart offers the chair to Saturn, but instead he KO's Hart, then delivers a Spicolli Driver to Jericho. I sense the losing streak will continue. Is Saturn wearing eyeliner or what? Schiavone says he looks "pretty." No Laughing Matter, 1, 2, 3. (6:58) Morrus leaves the ring and asks Saturn what's up with hitting his manager. "Hey, I did you a favour!" "I didn't NEED an favours!" and the next thing you know Saturn is back in the ring asking to get it on. Morrus complies. They trade blows until the cartful of refs comes out and breaks it up, to the crowd's dismay. Jericho didn't move this entire time.

Footage from last night at SuperBrawl show Hennig & Windham gloating with their belts - then Benoit & Malenko attacking for no good reason. Well, I guess they had a reason. Anyway, they choke them out with regular belts a la Windham on Malenko last night. And...umm....that's it.

Still to come, this, that, that, and that. Oh, the third hour.

TV-PG-DV BIG POOCHIE (with The Narcissist, Liz & Rey's mask) v. REY MYSTERIO, JR. - "You know, Lex and I along with Liz watched the tape back from last night, and while I was taking a break on the mat, catchin' my breath, it appears to me that Scott Hall took a couple of shortcuts - you know the NWO has always stood for what's right in this sport - for fair play - I know that Rey Mysterio went to the committee today and insisted on having a match with me, but after watching the tape back, Rey, we're real sorry and, since it doesn't fit me anyway, instead of fighting, come on down and I'll give you back your mask ('cause Liz won't wear it)." Rey comes out in B&W camoflauge instead of his LWO shirt and to Konnan's music instead of his own. How do you misspell "NO?" "Okay, did you say what you have to say? It ain't about the mask anymore, Nash. You got what you wanted, now it's time to get what I want." "And what would that be, Rey?" "It's time for me to get a piece of you." Nash wants the test of strength but I don't think Rey can reach that high. Nash's high knee is almost higher than Rey's head. Whip - Rey's flips and flies but Nash ducks it. Rey works on the knee with kicks - spinning heel kick and Nash goes DOWN! Springboard facebuster! Nash retreats to the corner - bronco buster! Nash pushes him off - Mysterio ducks a lariat - springs up - Nash catches him and dlivers Snake Eyes. Heenan calls Nash the best big man in our sport today - WHY. Ten story beal from Nash. Jackknife coming up - of course, that doesn't work on Cruiserweights - Rey punches and punches - Nash falls - Randy Anderson counts three times! Konnan's music plays! (2:39) Replays show Rey hooks the wrong leg, but oh well. Let's see Konnan's new music video!

Only the third hour is good enough for the new K-Dogg music video! I hope they paid George Clinton for that "Atomic Dog" sample - I mean, Time/Warner wouldn't just commit outright THEFT of an artist's works, would they? I wonder what Capitol thinks of this. Hey, maybe I'll ask 'em! Naah. What the hell's up with the zoot suit?

NWO Wolfpack T-shirt ad.

Someone has NOW decided that this hour will only be rated TV-PG-V so there's a NEW ratings box. And here's Horace telling Scott Norton that Hollywood has placed him in charge of the black & white. Why is Disco Inferno standing there? I dunno. I guess I should point out that Tony hasn't remarked on any of THESE bits, but who cares anymore...not me. Well, this week. Well, unless I come up with another funny bit.

GENE O. works tonight! And he brings out the new tag team cham-peens, CURT HENNIG & BARRY WINDHAM. Hennig's not the kinda guy to say he told you so - but - well, you know. Where's Rick Rude, anyway? Does anybody have any comments about them not being in the NWO? Gene asks what about a return match, Windham says that they've got a lot of defenses scheduled and just have no room for the Horsemen. And...that's all I got out of this.

WCW.com promo.

Scott Norton walks over to Hollywood Hogan and asks him what's up - what, did I MISS the Stevie Ray clip? Anyway, Hollywood says no, no, YOU'RE the man. Take charge of the black & white. I am SO BEYOND CARING.

Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! And they have spotlight solo slutty stripper dances!

THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION GLACIER CAT v. ? - you see, Sonny Onoo bought Glacier's music, lighting, lasers and snow machine. You really should try to watch THUNDER! every so often. "Ladies and gentlemen, once again the Cat would like to be recognised as the greatest of all time...and the greatest looking man in sports today!" Sonny Onoo will be on the Bruise Cruise - well, that's IT, I'm signing up NOW. Cat goes on and on about "James Brown music" as if that was even close to what his music EVER sounded like. Cat demands the lights come back up, then tells the crowd they're a bunch of sick lookin' people. Before we move along, let's cut back to the black & white dressing room where Disco Inferno is monitoring the action while Norton is ALMOST ready to tell them that Hollywood has put him in charge (hmmm, there's Stevie Ray after all). Sonny Onoo is less than excited about this challenge, but Cat says he's doing it for him, 'cause he "messed up all your cousins and nephews over there in Japan." Here's BIG SCOTT NORTON and I predict this'll last about 12 seconds. Cat kicks before the bell and doesn't let up. kick, kick, kick, Million Dollar Dream! Norton hiptosses him to break the Cobra Clutch. Big chop (wooooo!), again (woooo!), Cat with a kick but Norton just catches the foot, then MAULS him. Chop (woooo!) - whip into the opposite corner - Cat with a superkick, another standing side kick, a THIRD standing side kick and Norton goes down! Cat tries a splash - Norton catches him and slams him. Here comes the powerbomb. Good night everybody! (1:39)

THUNDER! ad features *Bobby Blaze*!

Hey, that WCW Monday Nitro Spring Break-Out '99 thing is once again brought to you by Cinn-A-Burst and 1-800-COLLECT so get used to it for the next month or six weeks okay.

MICHAEL BUFFER is out for the Nitro main event. Huh? Does that mean Flair and Flair will be .... aw shit.

SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with Buff is the Stuff) v. (bill "192-1") GOLDBERG in a nontitle match - Why does the champion come out first again? Steiner whomps on a plant photographer - err, I mean plot device - err, I mean... Buff runs down Buffer, then says that Goldberg isn't here tonight so there won't be a match. Then Steiner tries to incite a riot by inviting every random fan into the ring. Goldberg's music fires up and the demeanor of the Wolfpackers changes quite a bit. Heenan gets quite surreal on us - Goldberg's in your garage, he's in you will - HUH? Sign in crowd "GOLDBERG FEARS GILLBERG" Staredown - Goldberg pushes him away. Lockup, to the corner. Steiner fails to break, throwing elbows, then knees. Whip is reversed, Goldberg put his head down though and Steiner continues the attack. Head to the buckle - Goldberg turns around and the crowd loves it. Kick to the gut, again, forearm. Steiner turns it around, whip into the opposite corner, big boot put up. Goldberg with rights. We're going to take a commercial break??? God only KNOWS how they can make a match like THIS last through an ad break. Anyway, Goldberg with the military press and he drops him just before we go to break.

C'mon, Hardee's? There's NO Hardee's for HUNDREDS of miles here. I promise.

When we come back, who knows what's been happening. Steiner wants a timeout. I hope he was doing that during the break instead of now. The chase is on outside the ring after Buff grabs the leg. Looks like Goldberg must have run into a Steinerline. Whip into the barricade. Whip into the STEEL steps. Goldberg made the challenge the world heard - challenge? What challenge? To WHO? Tony says they'll even throw in a taser, well, hell, they SHOULD accept it then if they're gonna throw in a TASER. Steiner with a blatant low blow kick but nobody gets DQ'd while they wrestle Goldberg, you know. Steiner with some punches. Steiner to the whip, but for some reason Goldberg's head goes through the ropes and he ends up getting clotheslined with the top rope coming back. Steiner whips him properly - lariat - elbowdrop - 2 count. Belly-to-belly suplex as Buff is working with the wire cutters on the top turnbuckle. Referee "Blind" Johnny Boone takes umbrage - Buff takes Boone to the turnbuckle to take him out. Buff's in the ring now - Boone over the top rope. Goldberg reverses a whip and it's STEINER'S back to the exposed STEEL. Goldberg spears Buff and the crowd is digging it. RICK STEINER is out! Double Steinerline to Buff and Steiner! Hey, the crowd was barking for Rick and not whooping it up for Goldberg! They're not as stupid as I was worried they were being. Now the NWO BLACK & WHITE is out sans Norton. Vince tries to get them to rush the ring - Stevie Ray throws Vince in instead. Vince is easily dispatched with a Steinerline and a whip into a Goldberg spear from the side. The NWO walks off as Goldberg and Rick stand in the ring and the crowd is barking like nuts. Yup. (DQ, let's call it .. oh .. 7:30ish)

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by SNICKERS!

Wrath appears on "Mortal Kombat" NEXT! And later, in some other federation!

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Smash & Slam Wrestlers (Why would Luger's action figure beat up Sting's action figure?), Hi-Ener-G old wives' pills, Arrid XX TotalSport deodorant, Aqua Velva IceSport, and Hot Pockets!

Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! In SWIMSUITS! So who let all the birds into the recording studio for the background music? And why do most of these ladies seem so unattractive?

Disco tells the satellite guy it's time to pirate the feed. The guy has a last second bout of conscience which will probably disappear right after this last ad break. What, you think they'd jam the feed during the COMMERCIALS? Shows what YOU know!

From the special set, Tony Schiavone stands in front of a sofa containing David Flair and Torrie Wilson - my spider sense is tingling as I hear that Ric Flair's limousine has arrived at the building and the picture goes a little fuzzy...why, no, we DON'T see Ric Flair tonight. No, we DON'T get a promised event, hyped THE ENTIRE FUCKING THREE HOURS. Instead, we see a black and white NWO clip of David Flair and Torrie Wilson - Disco Inferno, doing a Gene Okerlund impersonation, tries to conduct an interview, but they are interrupted by Arn Anderson (Nash) and Mongo McMichael (Vince, in bear costume) - Arn opens a beer with his tire arn, then Torrie pushes him over. Scott Hall comes out as Roddy Piper, and here's Hollywood Hogan as Ric Flair, even better than Syxx was if that's possible. David spends almost this entire clip staring at Torrie's breasts, good for him. I'll give Hogan this, he's funny unlike the rest of these guys. But I'm not sure that's enough. Fade to white noise and a copyright notice.

Should I even ask why THIS week Ric Flair wasn't even in the building until 10:55? No, I suppose not. Well, hell, I'm SURE there wasn't a SINGLE person who bought tickets to go to Sacramento to see Flair anyway...

You know, I just don't really know what to say here. I'm speechless. It just...is ANYBODY totally into this? What's the payoff? I mean, Monday morning I thought Mike was NUTS for even bringing up the POSSIBILITY that Hogan and Nash were trying to run WCW into the ground, EVEN with SuperBrawl IX's conclusion, but THIS.....

How long can they keep doing this? Is this what Flair stuck to his guns and disappeared from EVERYTHING for nearly four months to get? Is this what the fans are longing to see? How can WCW seem to turn it around, only to throw any meager gains completely in the crapper by poisoning 170 minutes with 15 minutes of....I mean, words fail me. It just does not make sense on ANY level. God, what a SHAME. All I can do is just shrug and shake my head. It's a damn SHAME.

Tune in when next week Riki Rachtman tells us how great "Headbanger's Ball" was ten years ago.