George Chatburn offers the following thought to make your day: "The end is near just as Rachtman was the end of Headbangers Ball he will also destroy WCW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Well, I probably wouldn't have used as many bangs, but that's an interesting take... By the way, is Rachtman rated G? I heard something about Nitro and G ratings and...

Jessy Horkey writes: "The sample in the new Konnan video wasn't Atomic Dog or even George Clinton. It was in fact a sample of "More Bounce To The Ounce" of Zapp and Roger fame. You were close in the timeframe just not the artist." Dammit, he's right, and I USUALLY get this stuff on my own - I was thrown off by the "bow wow wow yippy yo yippy yay" lyrics and the fact that it was 4am when I did it. I apologise to George Clinton AND Roger Troutman, as well as Roger's goofy voice thingy. I also give massive props to Jessy because he's the only one who picked up on this and this stuff is IMPORTANT, dammit.

Finally, an onsite report from Oscar in Beserkeley:

Just read your nitro report to see how much you'd make fun of what went on monday night... I attended that nitro party and wanted to see how you'd blast us.

>Big ol' long clip of fun and games at Cal. I've spent a lot of time
>walking around that campus, and I SEEM to remember it being more fun than
>a Nitro party. But then, I never had Spice autograph my bicep either.
>Hmmm... let me get back to you on that.

Now, I've gotten into the habit of not watching nitro (cos my room for some reason does not pick up TNT, unlike all the other rooms in my dorm here at CAL (slogan: "Stanford Beats Us Every >OTHER< Year [statistically]" :P~), but I went ot the nitro party because I went to spring break campus clash or whatever, and it was pretty entertaining (I'll tell ya what, spending a day with Chae, Spice and Storm is great, they're great people, really smart, really funny, and lets not forget incredibly hot). It was actually one of my friends who had Spice write on his bicep.
Although the party itself wasn't that great (we're watching nitro, how good could it get?!?!), it's safe to say that the up close and personal interaction with the nitro girls more than made up for it. They were, again, all friendly, talkative, sweet, and incredibly hot (Fyre looks well endowed on TV, but I'll tell you what, that girl's gonna have problems supporting her chest on her tiny frame in later life, its almost frightening).
Well anywho the point is, is that it may have come off as incredibly lame on TV (which I'm sure it did, cos it did last year when they were doing it), having Fyre decide that she would sign her autograph on my chest, getting hugs from Whisper and Spice, and having Whisper decide to have me limbo under her leg instead of the bar during the run through before TV was more than worth the complete and utter humiliation of looking like a fucking dumbass when on air. I was the guy behind Spice during the limbo, who obviously shouldn't have been allowed to dance on camera. Hope that's enough to tell you it was atleast worthwhile to be there, even if we were morons on camera :)

Hey, I can't knock a guy who makes fun of himself before *I* get a chance to do it! Thanks, Oscar.

As a bell tolls three times in silence, a graphic of Renegade is displayed. "Rick Wilson / 1965-1999" That was the right thing to do, WCW. RIP Renegade.

The TV-PG-DV box is up in the left hand corner despite Bischoff's promise of some TV-G entertainment. Of course, Torrie's outfit is kinda TV-PG. Closed captioned logo (come again?) as David Flair and Torrie Wilson sit in a limo and listen to a microcassette of David's answering machine messages. The only guy calling is Ric, apparently. They make lotsa laughs to him. Hot damn, she's one hot babe, though. They speculate that Ric Flair's big announcement for today is that he's retiring - I'm guessing not, but we'll find out TONIGHT!

WE ARE LIVE from the Dean Dome - the Dean Smith Centre at the lovely campus of UNC in Chapel Hill, NC for Monday Nitro! Broadcast in semi-real time 1.3.99 on TNT and tonight's big deal is a big statement from the interim president of WCW, Ric Flair. Whatever could it be? Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay and thelivinglegend Larry Zbyszko, and all agree that you can't afford to miss the big announcement - whatever it is!

Let Us Take You Back to Last Week and the end of the Goldberg/Scott Steiner match, where the ref disappears, Rick Steiner REappears, and Stevie Ray throws Vince into the ring to take some punishment.

Hey, look, it's (some of) the Nitro Girls! Why, yes, there IS a big Nitro Party going on elsewhere at UNC-Chapel Hill and we WILL be looking at Riki Rachtman later to hear all about it. Hey, I don't think Tygress' hoochie mama dance is TV-G. That's it, you're all worthless except Spice. I'm sorry.

We are spared from a Riki Rachtman appearance by BUFF IS THE STUFF leading the way for SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER. I'm gonna have abs like Buff one day - after I've decomposed, unfortunately, but I'll HAVE 'em! Well, let's see if they've managed to tone down the act or if they were just blowing smoke to try to make Them Other Folks look bad for Inside Edition. "As I look at you tobacco chewin' scumbag rednecks - " yeah " - tonight, you're not gonna see your so-called People's Champion, Diamond Dallas Trash. Because, see I put him in a hospital, so I was gonna come out here and be a nice guy and say tonight, I'LL be your role model! But the fact of the matter is, all I see out there is genetic junk. And what you're looking at - is a genetic FREAK! And there's not one of you scumbags that could grow up and be like me. So just give it up - you guys will always be - LOSERS - in Chapel Hill!" Well, that was KINDA toned down, I guess... Buff gets on the mic and runs down North Carolina by proclaiming himself and Steiner Duke fans. We turn to Goldberg, then to Rick Steiner - Buff says they're calling out BOTH men tonight.

1-800-COLLECT and BURST gum bring us Riki Rachtman, Jazz, Chae, some college guy goin' to Panama, and this trip was NOT necessary.

And here's a clip of the Nitro Girls having fun at UNC, where, today at least, life is one big Nitro Party. tnt.turner.com URL is displayed, so I'll put it in here now.

We are reminded that Cinn-A-Burst and 1-800-COLLECT each have two hyphens.

Opening credits to mark the passing of the first quarter hour

Here's a big onsale announcement! Friday buy tickets for Baltimore, Richmond for THUNDER! and Fairfax. Saturday tickets are on sale for Las Vegas for Nitro!

This piece of Nitro comes to you through the kind courtesy of Nestle Crunch!

You didn't want a match, did you? Tough. Here's BIG POOCHIE, THE TOTAL WOLFPACKAGE, DISCO INFER-NWO and LIZ. Luger promises a defining moment in a young man's career coming up. Larry steals a line from me and accuses Luger of suffering from Narcissism. Luger says he forgives - I don't know WHO he forgives - oh, it must be Rey Mysterio, because Nash ALSO forgives for the fluke pin win last week on Nitro. Nash invites Mysterio out to "join the most elite group in professional wrestling history." Commentators are mixed about whether they're sincere or not about this offer. Nash calls up Rey on his cel phone (huh?) and apparently Rey isn't interested. So they all walk away. HUH?

Here's a Special Video Look at Bret Hart and Booker T., in clips from their 12.7.98 match at Bash at the Beach, at the 25.1.99 Nitro, and at last week's 22.2.99 Nitro. Dynamic video effect makes it look like a third generation dub video ordered from somewhere in Europe where the electrical current isn't the exact same voltage all the time. You know, I got some flak last week from people who thought I should have taken Hart to task for recycling the ending from the Wembley SummerSlam match in last week's match. Well, I tell you what - if the guy wants to recycle an ending every 6.5 years, I'll let him. If it becomes every other week or a month, maybe THEN I'll bitch. Otherwise, let it go. Come on, you're gonna bitch about a FREE, quality 17+ minute match 'cause you'd seen the *ending* before? Get a life!

PSYCHOSIS v. (billy) KIDMAN for the World Cruiserweight Championship - later tonight, Buff Bagwell returns to the ring as he and Scott Steiner take on Rick Steiner and Goldberg. Lockup, arm wringer by Psych, hammer lock, Kidman rolls out with a snapmare. Leapfrog, counter, counter, rana by Kidman. Psychosis to the corner and there's a break by referee "Blind" Johnny Boone. Lockup, side headlock by Psychosis, off the ropes, duck, tilt-a-whirl, Psychosis lands on his feet and his a lariat. Pose to the crowd, booing, why are they booing Psychosis? He rules! Nice flying head scissors by Psychosis and there's a clothesline to take Kidman outside. Again the crowd boos. Baseball slide dropkick by Psychosis. To the outside he goes, chop (woooo!), Kidman reverses a whip into the apron. Kidman rushes - Psychosis pops him up - but he headstands on the apron - then comes off with a bulldog to Psychosis - you had to see it I guess. Both men back in. Kidman whipped to the corner. Psychosis charges, Kidman takes him OVER the corner to the floor. Kidman on the top turnbuckle - BIG splash to the floor! Kidman grabs the hair and rolls him back into the ring. Kidman on top - Psychosis takes the leg away and crotches him on the turnbuckle. Psychosis pulls him off with a facebuster on the way down. 1, 2, nope. Off the ropes, back elbow by Psychosis. Tony calls him "one of the few masked men remaining in Mexico" which is stupid beyond belief. So is taking ad breaks in the middle of matches I like.

UnCeNsOrEd promo in the local spot.

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Bashin' Brawlers (new ad - Hogan replaced with Goldberg - both Nash and Goldberg sound extra lame with "Yousmashedmy - head"), Slim Jim, Aqua Velva IceSport, Hot Pockets, Sudden Change scam cream

When we come back, they're countering, Kidman off the ropes and Psychosis hits a drop toehold which puts him on the ropes. Psychosis to the top - guillotine legdrop, throat on the rope! Commentators talk about how great the match was while we were gone (FUCK off). Psychosis with a whip and Kidman's back hits the barricade. Kidman back bodydrops Psychosis over the barricade - Psychosis tries a suplex but Kidman lands on his feet and clotheslines Psychosis back over the railing. A female fan gets to maul Kidman before he springboards off the barricade into a flying headscissors which takes out a camera. Everybody back in the ring. Psychosis comes back with a front suplex and scales the ropes again. Kidman pops up and punches to the head - superplex? No, he slipped. Kidman improvises a beal instead. Bot men up slowly, off the ropes, reversal, Psychosis puts his head down, kick from Kidman, and a Ligerbomb ("short powerbomb?" Naah) for 2. Whip is reversed and Psychosis hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Commentators note Psychosis isn't trying pins. But he DOES manage a high-risk manoeuvre here - a top rope Frankensteiner. NOW he covers - 1, 2, shoulder up. Lest we forget, Booker T. takes on Scott Hall at Uncensored. Kidman with a tornado bulldog - Kidman on the top turnbuckle - Psychosis catches him in a powerslam but only gets 2. Powerbomb but that never works on Kidman as he counters with a faceslam. Kidman with the shooting star press for 3. Not tonight - Psych! (12:51) Castrol GTX brings you the replays.

Let Us Take You Back to SuperBrawl where Hennig & Windham got attacked by the "Vanilla Midgets" - not only did Malenko use the belt on Windham that *Windham* used on *him*, but Benoit found a belt EXACTLY like it to use on Hennig!

David and Torrie in a dressing room are confronted by Arn Anderson. Arn gives him - a stern talking to. I think I can sum this up best with Torrie's quote: "WhatEVER." Arn tries to tell David that he's being used and, go figure, David don't get it - telling Arn that he's just jealous. "You've been warned. You're David Flair right now, but when I walk out this door, you're one of them."

Meng is on Mortal Kombat - NEXT! Hey, not bad for somebody that's like *75* YEARS OLD.

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by JollyTime popcorn, for eating popcorn is always a JOLLY TIME!

Hollywood Hogan and Vince have a heart-to-heart. If Stevie Ray causes any trouble, he wants him to take him out.

What do Riki Rachtman and Cinn-A-Burst boxer shorts have in common? I guess they'll both be at Brown next Monday.

BAM BAM BIGELOW v. REY NO LONGER A MYSTERIO, JR. - PLEASE tell me why Rey comes to the ring with Konnan's music instead of his own. While you're at it, tell me why he's facing Bigelow. Bigelow turns to the crowd and says "I main evented WrestleMania XI and now they're gonna make me job to this guy!" Rey looks skyward as if to accentuate that there's a size differential. Referee is "Blind" Scott Dickinson if that matters. I'll mention it now in case I run out of time later. FINALLY they - no, they don't lock up. Finally they do and there's a beal all the way across the ring (yes, by Bigelow, silly). Clubbing blows by the Beast from the East. Whip into the opposite corner, Rey steps aside and fires away - spinning heel kick and he's still on his feet - from the top rope - Bigelow catches him and drops on him. Bigelow poses to the crowd. Big press by Bigelow - half hour later, he finds four security guards to throws him onto. It WAS over the head of DOUG DILLINJA anyway. I must have missed Dickinson counting Rey out, 'cause he makes it back in and Bigelow stomps away. Maybe Rey should take off the gold chain. Half hour suplex a la Davey Boy. Whatever happened to ol' Davey Boy anyway? Kick, kick, kick. Dickinson asks if he gives it up, nope. Off the ropes, Bigelow brings him up and Rey hits a dropkick. Dropkick to the knee - Bigelow is still up - off the rope and Rey eats a big boot. 1, 2, kickout? I find that hard to disbelieve what with the suspension and all, hey. There's that cool Tenryu-like kick, the name of which escapes me but five people will mail to me later. Reverse chinlock is applied and he should have passed out by now. Remember when Bigelow took on the 1-2-3 Kid on the Action Zone and against all odds the Kid did NOT come back and win? I miss that kind of realism. Bigelow slams him to stop a comeback. Diving headbutt. 1, 2, he pulls him up! Ooooooohhhh...... Scoop and a slam. Bigelow going to the top! Diving headbutt misses! Rey to the top - missile dropkick and Bigelow stays up. Kick to the gut - Bigelow to his knees. Rey was supposed to walk over him but slipped and hit his honker on the turnbuckle cover (oops) - he still climbs to the second turnbuckle - there's a facebuster for 2. Bigelow with a lariat to stop the comeback as we return to marking the hours with FIREWORKS! I better go find some song lyrics! You know, you'd think all that pyro would be a LITTLE distracting to Rey and Bam Bam. This hour is rated TV-PG-DV (the D standing for Dumb Pyro Interrupting a match) Bigelow with a headbutt and he waits for him to get up. Rey shoved hard into the corner - Rey falls and lands with a headbutt on a delicate area of Bigelow's. Rey pops up and leaps - two punches - spin - victory roll - 1, 2, 3! (9:17) Sigh. Konnan's music plays and they cue up a replay of last week's pin on Nash ('cause they just HAPPENED to have it in a deck) followed by a replay of this week's pin of Bigelow. And here it is from another angle. They're gonna call Rey "the Giant Killer" now. Oh boy. Aren't they stealing this from Spike Dudley? Oh yeah, who watches ECW?

Let's look at random crowd shots to kill time.

Backstage, Gene O. catches up with Rey Mysterio, Jr. Gene has the audacity to suggest that losing the mask was the greatest thing to ever happen to him. Luger catches up with them and asks what's up with the shirt, then Nash attacks from behind. Disco it also there, and I guess Liz is just off camera. "Coulda had the shirt, Rey..." repeat.

Meanwhile, there's still some crowd we haven't seen yet.

Meanwhile, at the hall of Justice, Bam Bam Bigelow and Raven are brawling backstage - and now Hak and his Singapore cane have joined them. Hey, there's Chastity! This is too exciting to be rated G, we better take a break!

Here's a white limo, and here's Ric Flair exiting that limo. It is a DAMN shame they waited until RAW started to show this stuff. WHAT? A thirty second segment and ANOTHER ad break? WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?

Hey Michael, those aren't "your Space Jam buddies" - they're FREAKIN' CARTOONS!

Nash, Luger and Disco tell Stevie Ray that the thing with Vince is out of control. Take a drink if Stevie says "sad sack."

Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls!

JERRY "WINNING STREAK" FLYNN actually gets MIC TIME calling out the Cat in a karate match. Backstage, Scott Norton helpfully tells Cat that Jerry Flynn is calling him out. The "James Brown" music sounds like some generic funk with (probably unauthorised) James Brown samples playing over it. Of course, the lights, lasers, and snow are still there, to Cat's chagrin. Sonny Onoo looks funny with snow on his head. Now he's gonna walk back - is he gonna fight Flynn or not? I have to admit, this whole bit is actually pretty damn funny. Cat rushes the ring and slides...

JERRY "LIGHTNINGFOOT" FLYNN" v. THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION THE CAT (with Sonny Onoo) - ...right at the feet of referee "Blind" Mickey Jay. Flynn stomps away and gets a quick 2. Flynn with the Ten Punch Count Along. Whip into the opposite corner - SuperKwang! Why's his mullet in a ponytail? That's GOOFY. Cat crotched on the ringpost. Now both men outside, whip is reversed, reversed again and Cat hits the barricade. Flynn throws him in and follows. Cat begging off, tomahawk chop from Flynn. Cat manages a mat counter with a single leg takedown after catching a kick. Several rights, blatant choke. Cat with a kick. To the corner, whip into the opposite corner, Flynn sidesteps a charge and posts his shoulder. Flynn with a chop (woooo!) and stands on the throat. Cat with a kick, Flynn with a kick, then another, Irish whip, discus chop (woooo!), field goal kick. Cat with a jawbreaker of all things. Karate chop to the back. Rear chinlock as Cat reminds us that he's the Greatest. Cat using the bottom rope for "leverage." Now doing it again as the crowd chanting "boring" is turned down by the sound crew. Cat takes Flynn through the ropes and to the floor. Cat follows and stays on him. Head to the barricade. Palm thrust to the throat by Cat. Cat in to break the count and Onoo gets in his kick why Jay is distracted. Onoo wants another but Flynn is up and the chase is on. Cat goes outside and stops Flynn. Camera cable choke. Flynn manages to come back with a variety of martial arts manoeuvres. They're both back in after a STEEL steps shot. Cat tries - something Flynn doesn't know I guess, 'cause he just drops and punches away instead. Roundhouse kick by Cat. Another roundhouse kick and Flynn is down. Cat with another blatant choke, then Onoo throws him his robe and he uses that, too. Flynn manages a surprise inside cradle for 2, but Cat quickly fires back with a crescent kick for 2. Okay, it was really a superkick but I'm mixing it up. Yeah, play by play is a bitch. Side headlock - back up quickly instead - Right hand by Cat, block, punch, leg sweep by Flynn, off the ropes, standing side kick, belly-to-belly suplex for 2. Off the ropes, reverse, duck, double roundhouse kick land simultaneously and both men are down. Mickey Jay foregoes the ten count and declares both men knocked out - it's announced that the first man up on his feet will be declared the winner of this match. Flynn's up first, but Cat has Jay tied up, so Onoo comes in and delivers another kick to Flynn, taking him down. Jay sees Cat up and Flynn not and declares Cat the winner. (7:48) The "James Brown music" plays and Cat takes off while Onoo stays around to celebrate - oops. Flynn is up and hot. The chase is back on, outside the ring, around the ring, in the ring - Flynn has his coat - but Sonny is out and in the arms of the Cat, who busts the proverbial move - or did he just trip? Call me crazy, but I kinda found this entertaining. Still to come, "Konnan's Brand New Music Video," which I promise to NOT find entertaining in the slightest.

Bruise Cruise '99 spot.

WCW MasterCard spot.

Here's a Special Video Look at the Devious Means Used to put Diamond Dallas Page in the hospital, at the hands of Scott Steiner (and also Buff Bagwell) - we have not seen him since. *snuff*

Bobby Heenan joins the commentary team

HUGH MORRUS (with James Hart) v. SENSATIONAL PERRY SATURN - Lying sign in the audience says "RAW IS TAPED" - idiot. Morrus attacks before the bell - they brawl and then take it to the ring, Jimmy Hart holding on to the legs so Morrus can get the upper hand. Clothesline, elbowdrop. Another elbowdrop, and another. Go Hugh go! Tony has a note - the Championship Committee have signed a triangle match between Hak, Raven, and Bam Bam Bigelow. That's UnCeNsOrEd! As if Hugh Morrus being all over him isn't enough, Hart gets in a choke. Finally, Saturn puts the feet up as Morrus charges, let's do it again! Third time and Saturn hits some sort of suplex I don't dare identify 'cause I'll be wrong and you'll write to me. You know who you are. Saturn ducks a lariat and hits a crescent kick. That mascara is scary, that handlebar mustache is scary. Rocker dropper! Morrus rolls outside. Hart has a chair and he's threatening to use it - but he misses and hits the post. Hart crawls between Saturn's legs, then Morrus' legs, and Morrus hits a clothesline on Saturn. Standing on him. Whip into the STEEL barricade. Bodyslam on the mats. Hart putting HIS boots to him while Morrus perches on the apron - elbowdrop to the floor! Crowd could probably not be more bored but I don't mind this too much. Back in - off the ropes - military press - half hour - slam. 1, 2, no. What's with all them Slim Jims in the front row? Morrus with the rear chinlock and now I'm getting a little bored. Heenan: "This is the BEST broadcast you've ever done, Tony Schiavone!" Tony fails to recognise the irony - oh you betta. Saturn finally powering out but there's a knee which flips Saturn, and we're back to the now dreadfully exciting rear chinlock. Saturn back up, elbow out, rollup for 2. Morrus with the hiptoss and a cover for 2. Okay, they've lost me now. The crowd, too - they're chanting "boring" and the sound guys have turned it down so much that it's just eerily silent in the arena. Oh COME ON, do something already. Saturn elbows out - powerslam by Morrus - he's going up to the top - double axehandle...I *guess* Saturn caught him because there's a - what's that, Northern Lights Suplex with a bridge? Does it matter anymore? What am I doing with my life anyway? T-bone Tazplex - maybe. As if it matters. I could just MAKE up play-by-play by now, nobody's read this far. If I were Hyatte, I'd have written up this match in one line. Chop (woooo!), Ten Punch Count Along under the dress, Scott Keith sucks, Morrus counters with a running powerbomb. Morrus to the middle turnbuckle, Saturn pops up and meets him there - Frankensteiner! Hey, look, there's CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO just as Saturn makes the sign for the DVD! Why couldn't he have saved me five minutes ago? Hart ties up Jay while Jericho pops Saturn with some knux - one No Laughing Matter moonsault later, Morrus scores a second pinfall in a row - he's like Jerry Flynn! (9:26) Oh, sorry it was a chain that Jericho used - oh who cares. NEXT.

Here's Scott Steiner and Buff Bagwell on a (believe I'm a) bus cross-country. Apparently, this segment was too TV-PG because they don't let us hear any of the dialogue this week. I'm guessing Scott said "freak, hooches," or maybe "hookup." Holler if ya hear me. Perhaps we should take this as a blessing in disguise as awful as last week's bit was.

Riki Rachtman takes more time from my life that I'll never get back. Brown University - Sunday - Campus Clash. Tell 'em CRZ sent ya and he HATES wastes of time!

Here's a special clip from Mortal Kombat, featuring Meng. Who do you think got paid more for their appearance - Wrath or Meng? This clip is a LITTLE more exciting than the Saturn/Morrus match. But not much.

Jericho T-shirt ad. The clock is ticking!

Let Us Take You Back To Last Week Where Hennig & Windham Promise To Stall On A Vanilla Midgets Rematch - I forget, is Hennig unhappy about being drummed out of the NWO? Speaking of guys who might not be in the NWO...

BRET CLARKE v. CHRIS BENOIT - Now THIS is good for what ails me! Lockup, to the corner, no break, referee "Blind" Charles Robinson inserts himself in the match early to try to keep control. Crowd boos Hart with reckless abandon. Lockup, back into the corner, again no break. Hart complains about the hairpulling. Lockup, knee to the gut by Hart, forearm across the back of the head, repeat, atomic drop, lariat and Benoit is down. Picking him up - right hand. Benoit kicks back and headbutts. Right hand. Back elbow and Hart takes a powder. Slow walk around the ring for Hart as everybody in the front row lets him have it. Test of strength here? Yup. Hart gets the advantage as Benoit bridges - and fires back. Benoit kicks, wraps it around, drives the knees to the mat and I believe this is a submission of some sort. Hart stands up and Benoit drives him down. Quick 2 count. Backbreaker by Benoit for 2. Benoit shoves Hart into the corner, follows up with a kick, there's a headbutt, and Hart rakes the face to regain control. Pounding the back - face rake on the top rope. Still on him with the big blows. Headbutt between the legs. DDT but only 2. Hart picks him up by the hair and drops him to the mat. Hart stands on the neck - slingshot but the bottom rope stops the momentum there, ouch. Hart mouths off to the fans, then chokes Benoit on the second rope for 4. I sense fireworks to interrupt this match. Hart with repeated knees across the face. Piledriver - yes. 1, 2, foot on the bottom rope. Benoit BARELY escapes. He's only now starting to stir. Hart picks him up - snap suplex is countered with an inside cradle by Benoit for 2! Hart with an elbow to the head. Belly-to-back suplex lands like a brainbuster. 2 count only, though. Hart to the rear chinlock. Unlike the Saturn/Morrus match, the crowd actually claps for the good guy here instead of chanting "boring." See how it works? Benoit with an elbow and a belly-to-back suplex to escape. Both men down and the count is on. 5, 6, 7...Benoit tries to get up and makes it - he's going to climb to the top for the - nope, Hart crotches him on the top - Benoit blocks a superplex attempt and headbutts him to the canvas - coming off - Benoit tries to adjust and ends up getting air - Hart grabs the legs for the Scorpion Death Lock, but Benoit, incredibly, counters into the Crippler crossface! Crowd going NUTS! Hart grabs the bottom rope - Benoit breaks the hold at 4. As they move to the corner and Hart's trick knee acts up - DAMMIT - we take an ad break.

When we come back, Benoit is grabbing the bottom rope to break the figure four. This hour is rated TV-PG-DV, thanks for asking. Hart continues to attack - fists of fire following the pounding on the legs. Vertical suplex coming up - with a snap even. Hart to the second rope - dropped forearm. 1, 2, no. Side Russian legsweep AGAIN only gets 2. Blatant choke there for 4. European forearm from Hart, again. Benoit falls to the mat. Hart rakes the face. Backbreaker and I think we've hit all the standards here. 1, 2, no. Right hand, Benoit fires back, again, now kicking faster and faster and Hart's down! Can Benoit follow up? Off the ropes, running knee flips Hart. Off the ropes again, another knee finds the mark. 1, 2, Hart kicks out. Benoit goes to hang him on the top rope but kinda misses - Hart bounces off the ropes and lands right on his head. Benoit goes for a cover and Hart is out at 2. Knee to the head. Knife-edge chop (woooo!) A second chop (woooo!) takes Hart down. Snap suplex by Benoit and there's the thumb-'cross-the-throat mime. He's going up! Swandive headbutt is picture perfect, but, as always, it hurts Benoit at least as much as it hurts Hart. Benoit, groggy, manages a cover with a leg hooked - somehow Hart kicks out at 2. Both men up slowly, Benoit with the boot, the right, the boot, whip into the opposite corner but Hart puts the feet up to stop the followup charge - Hart lunges with a clothesline and they're both down again. Hart manages to get up first and picks up Benoit. Whip off the rope - clothesline ducked - they collide in the centre of the ring and both men are down one more time. Robinson to 5, 6 - both men up - Benoit swings and Hart ducks, sleeper by Hart, Benoit out sleeper by Benoit, both men to the ropes - OVER the ropes - both men's heads hit in nasty spots. Hart trying to get in the ring - Benoit grabbing him, Hart kicking hard and Benoit driven to the barricade. Eww, screwjob. Here's CURT HENNIG & BARRY WINDHAM whacking Benoit with the tag team title belt and taking his back to the barricade while Hart talks things over with Robinson. Robinson finally sees the tag team champions at ringside and a belt in the corner and gives one of those perplexed looks, then tells Hart to break his Scorpion Deathlock as Benoit is too close to the bottom rope. Hart is refusing to break the hold! Whoa! Robinson is at 5 - no break - Robinson calls for the bell. (DQ 19:17) Hart FINALLY breaks the hold, and shoves Robinson to the mat. Before he can put the hold on again, DEAN MALENKO is out and attacking Hart. Now Hennig and Windham are in - Malenko taking it to Hennig but Windham is brandishing that belt - and the choke is on. Hart continuing to stick it to Benoit while Hennig takes his free shots at Malenko. Crowd is shouting "WE WANT FLAIR" but they're not getting him. Hell, where's Anderson, didn't we see him earlier?

Another clip of "Konnan's New Music Video" because God forbid we forget that later tonight we'll see THE WHOLE THING.

UnCeNsOrEd will air Sunday 14 March! Buy it NOW! (Don't really)

Remember fans, the WCW Monday Nitro Spring Break Out is brought to you by CinnABurst and 1800COLLECT!

Hey look, it's some of the Nitro Girls!

DISCO INFERNO and BIG POOCHIE lead STEVIE RAY and VINCE(NT) - and now YOU KNOW WHO is here (man, I was just hoping that earlier thing was taped and he wasn't here) - and there's HORACE. I wasn't sure, but now I definitely know: the Wolfpack is in the house. Hogan says "4 life." I wasn't paying attention for about two minutes, but basically Hogan tried to convince us that Ric Flair was retiring tonight, okay, we get it. Next thing you know Stevie Ray is walking over to Vincent and THEN thre's some shoving - and now some random brawling. The other three break it up - Hogan continues to talk like nothing happened - what a professional! I thought I heard somebody say "2 sweet."

THUNDER! ad features Damien and Hector Garza! Kinda. It'll be live this Thursday! And then Scott Keith will fire up some hot pokers - does he seem to be enjoying that WAY too much?

Wolfpack T-shirt ad.

Konnan's NEW Music Video - combining stolen elements from both "Atomic Dog" AND "More Bounce to the Ounce," this video is a tasteful melange of racial stereotype, retro electro breakdance moves, rather oddly placed zoot suits, and also some hoochies. Somebody cut'n'paste that and send it to ScoopTHIS! and see if they'll put me on their quotes page. I would rate this video as something stronger than TV-G, but at least K-Dawg doesn't believe he's a bus - nor does he take the grass out of my pocket and smoke it. "Vato vato vato vato vato vato vato vato..."

Two weeks from today, RAW is WAR at the San Jose Arena! If you're watching Nitro right now, they'll NEVER get your business no matter HOW many ads they run...

GENE O. works tonight! And it's *finally* time to hear from THE MAN - maybe. I suppose they could still jam the satellite, or give him a fake heart attack, or - or maybe this is an NWO ANIMATRONIC Ric Flair! Very lifelike! No, wait, it FINALLY is Ric Flair, and he FINALLY will speak. "Gene - aw, don't give up - don't worry! Don't worry. I'm gon' let this one build before I crank it up for ya, okay? I've been home for two weeks, and God only knows, I've had to listen to my best friend Arn Anderson tell me he wanted to beat up my son. I've had to walk around Charlotte, North Carolina. I've had to walk around North Carolina, period, and heard everybody say 'How could your son jump on the Hollywood NWO red'n'black bandwagon?' And I say 'You know what, I don't get it either.' I know they got Big Sexy, I know they got Scott Hall, I know they got Lex Luger, I know they got Buff, and I know they've got David Fleihr. But David, I sat down one night and I said to myself, let's really put this in perspective, because twenty years ago pal, in Raleigh North Carolina ... I met a blonde one night - I walked out the door, and brother, she changed my life - woooo! - for a long time. The difference is, I got up that next day, pal, and I had to start paying the price, and the price was big. However, that blonde is in Charlotte waiting for Daddy to come home right now - woo! Because unlike...that girl you're walking down the aisle with, she KNOWS who the Nature Boy is, woo! Now, the REAL reason I came here tonight is because WE ARE LIIIIIIVE in Chapel Hill - wooo! Mean! Gene! We are - Michael Jordan! James Worthy! Lawrence Taylor! DJ Jaworksi - Live in the Dean Smith Dome - woooo!" There's a little dance. "Hogan, you can't do that, brother - woooo! - only me! And the fact is, for twenty-eight more days I'm STILL the president of this company, woooo! Now - that we've said hello, let's get down to business. Bischoff, you're no longer a problem, you're in my pocket. Hogan, YOU'RE the issue, so get this. Uncensored, Uncensored, two weeks from now, I'm having a cage built - fifteen feet high - no doors, surrounded with barbed wire at the top - you know what that means - that means that tradition will ride again - we started in Oakland, and in that cage at Uncensored, we're gonna fill our shoes, pal. We're gonna get it on - two of us will walk into that cage, one of us will walk out, and the man who walks out will be the World Heavyweight - woooo! - Wrestling Champion. ... I'm not challenging Hogan, I'm telling him, it's gonna be like 1985 brother, we are gonna sweat, we are gonna pay the price, and we're gonna give America what they haven't had in ten years, brother - we're gonna load it up, and you know what I'm talkin' about - we're gonna have it out - the two of us - once and for all - two walk in - one walks out - and I'm telling you - as sure as Michael Jordan was the Man in Chapel Hill, I'll be ... after I get through with you, they won't wanna be like Mike, they'll wanna be like the Naaaaaaacha Boy. Woooo!"

Hey, if I read between the lines, you can't say "BLOOD" on TV any more. Oops, I wasn't supposed to bring down that terrific interview. BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD oh i'm sorry.

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Wendy's Crispy Chicken Nuggets!

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Smash'n'Slam Wrestlers action figures, Hot Pockets, Arrid XX TotalSport, Aqua Velva IceSport (the smell of it!), LA Looks hair stuff, and Blimpie!

That's DAVE MIRRA there in the audience! Does ANYBODY know who that is? Why, no, I *don't* watch the X-Games. To find out the extra stipulations of this match, click on wcw.com or you could let me spoil you and tell you it's going to be a "first BLOOD" match. BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD you see, they can do this because an UnCeNsOrEd, all matches are unsanctioned! But, ummm, the title's still up for grabs. Get it? No? Stick with me.

BUFF IS THE STUFF & SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER v. AD BREAK - this just in, Handicap Match - Sonny Onoo & The Cat vs. Jerry "Lightningfoot" Flynn. At Uncensored. You mean you're NOT breaking open the piggybank to dig up your thirty bucks just on the basis of that match?

While we're in an ad break, and while I'm clicked onto wcw.com, let me add that in addition to the five matches you've already heard about, the "Internet Special" announcement is that Rey Mysterio, Jr. will job back to Kevin Nash in a return match! Whoopee!

BUFF IS THE STUFF & SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER v. RICK STEINER & COLD BEER - why, yes, Rick and Goldberg *do* get separate entrances, thanks for asking. This is probably the first time in EONS that David Penzer has said the name of Goldberg on Nitro instead of Michael Buffer... You know we haven't had a match for about 41 minutes? I'm just saying is all. Buff and Rick have a staredown. Rick blocks a punch, punches on his own, and takes him down with a lariat. Buff comes back and the dropkick is still there. Buff with a vertical suplex. Rick shakes it off while Bagwell poses. Rick takes him over with a suplex and Scott makes the save at 2. Tag to Scott, tag to Goldberg. The chant is on. Eventually, they'll even lock up. Goldberg with a kick to Bagwell just for kicks, too. Lockup, to the ropes, Goldberg reverses, then takes the knee to Steiner's chest three times. Off the power out - Goldberg shoulderblocks Steiner and gloats. Nice suplex by Steiner to come back. Steiner stays on him, punching away, I bet this doesn't really hurt him. Steiner poses - sure enough, Goldberg gets up, blocks a punch, now Goldberg's on the attack - listen to the crowd - press slam with 6 or 7 reps. Wow. 1, 2, Buff makes the save. Rick clotheslines Bagwell on the apron and there's a tag. Rick and Scott in and Rick all over his brother. Scott reverses a whip and Buff holds the leg. This distracts Rick enough to fall into a belly-to-belly suplex. Scott boots the head. Tag to Bagwell. Right, right, right, sledge. Bagwell pokes referee "Blind" Mickey Jay and whlie THEY get into it, Steiner takes the wire cutters nobody saw and cuts loose the top turnbuckle in his corner. Tag to Scott, who puts the knees in the gut - Rick whipped into the exposed steel, Bagwell covering up the buckle immediately afterward. Another whip into the steel, another camoflauge job. Whip off the ropes, Steinerline. Elbowdrop. 1, 2, somehow Rick kicks out. Headlock - now he's driving his elbow into the head of his brother. Tag to Bagwell, field goal kick, another, double sledge, again, Bagwell with rights, now Rick fighting back - Bagwell with a rollup but no count as Rick rolls through. Bagwell with a right to the back and he throws him out to Scott Steiner. Out on the apron, Rick whipped into the barricade and thrown back in. 1, 2, no. Tag to Steiner. Scott chokes Rick on the top rope, then throws him to the floor again, where Bagwell is waiting. Bagwell with a shot with the TV title. Rick thrown back in. Rear chinlock applied and I figure we've got about four minutes left in the show. Rick with the Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine. Scott counters with the Golotta. Tag to Bagwell, they make a wish. Off the ropes, shoulderblock by Bagwell, who poses. Bagwell mouthing off to Goldberg. Tag to Steiner - backbreaker. 1, 2, shoulder up. Anklelock? Yup. Crowd trying to will Rick over to Goldberg but he's not moving. Tag to Bagwell, scoop and a slam. Bagwell off the ropes to attempt a tadpole splash but Rick puts the knees up. Now both men down and the crowd sensing this might be the time. Rick points - and tags. Of course, Goldberg is a house a fire and I'm wondering if the NWO plans on running in any time soon. Goldberg with a nice shoulderblock on Bagwell, Big boot for Steiner. Rick and Scott tangle outside the ring while Bagwell manages a Golotta of his own. Big clubbing forearms to the back - the steel is AGAIN exposed - whip - Goldberg hops OVER Rick, who charges with a double clothesline. Goldberg whips Bagwell into the exposed STEEL - spear - Jackhammer? No, Steiner stops it. Goldberg deals with Scott while Rick climbs to the top - BULLDOG! 1, 2, 3. (10:54)

You know, this show was much better than it's been. You think they're listening to me? Naah.