You know, I've been TELLING myself that I've got to actually sit down and watch WWF sometime. Maybe he's onto something. On the other hand, I've always believed that the WCW was more wrestling, MORE shit, so what the hell do I know. Let's see what they dredge up for me this week.

Listening to the voiceover playing over the "ER" credits right before the show, why do they mention "Hulk Hogan, Sting and Goldberg?" Who the HELL are those first two guys?

As the TV-PG-DV ratings box welcomes us to another clipfest, interview-mania and recapper's nightmare, we see Alex from Flashdance welding together a steel cage. Well, okay, it wasn't Alex. It was some boring guy. You take your fantasy where you can get it. This is a pretty good clip, actually, but the soundtrack sounds like it was lifted from one of those "attacking ants" movies.

Clip from THUNDER! last week, where Arn and Ric have a heart-to-heart to themselves...oh and to this camera, oh and to millions of television viewers. As near as I can tell, Meltzer is the one who advanced this theory that at Uncensored Flair will turn heel while Hogan turns face. Wouldn't it just be great if it turned out that Meltzer was wrong? Not only 'cause it'd be Meltzer being wrong, but also because all the Internet smarks got all up in arms and threw a hissy fit over NOTHIN'. Of course, Meltzer's probably right, people SHOULD be bitching, but I like to wait until the shit hits the fan before I REALLY let go. But let's make fun of this here. "Ric, this is just you and me talkin'." This is where Arn should have said "and this camera, and these millions of television viewers." Oh, I SAID that already? Well, like WCW I feel like I have to repeat myself using the EXACT SAME WORDS just in case you didn't get it the first time. This is STUPID. Do you understand that the way the WWF expects me to suspend my disbelief WORKS for me from a common sense perspective while the way the WCW expects me to suspend my disbelief feels like COMPLETE IDIOCY? And if THIS is the first seven minutes of the show, what MORE can I look forward too?

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by 10-10-321! Call someone who cares!

Goldberg and Diamond Dallas Page are now part of the Superstar Series of Videos. They're SO new, they don't even have a clip ad for it yet!

No live action yet.

Mortal Kombat is next! Well, 2:50 away. They said "Dangerous Alliance!"

Promotional consideration paid for by Smash'n'Slam Wrestler action figures (I see the Giant!), Slim Jim, LA Looks hair stuff, America (ha!) Online, Aqua Velva IceSport, and Hot Pockets.

WCW.com spot.

Fyre, Spice and Storm are partying down at Brown!

Our first live action is from Brown University in Providence, RI where RIKI RACHTMAN shills for 1-800-COLLECT and CINN*A*BURST gum, the sponsors of the WCW Spring BreakOut. I WISH we'd break out of this non-wrestling stuff.

Let's get up close and personal with A.C. Jazz. She has dogs. That's what I've gotten from this. I was kinda hoping she'd talking about the restraining order she's gotten against Larry Zed, but no dice.

The NWO brings us the Hogan clip from THUNDER! in astonishing "black and white film noise-o-vision!" It's already been said in detail and better than I that this clip is basically everything people have ever said about Hogan, only Hogan's saying it and applying it to Flair. Yeah, but what you HAVEN'T heard is that this clip pushes us past the twenty minute mark with no live action. It's enough to make you think that whatever took out the feed at the Nutter Center eight days ago was floating over wherever the hell Nitro is THIS week NOW. At least, you would HOPE that's what's going on, because if they're trying to prove that they could put ANYTHING in the first hour and pop a 5+ rating, they might find that that won't last as long as they seem to believe it would. Good Lord, this clip goes on FOREVER.

UnCeNsOrEd is SUNDAY!

Hooray! Konnan has a new T-shirt! And it has a Parental Advisory! Does that mean it isn't rated G?

Oh oh! KONNAN's been demoted to Nitro Party duty! Riki Rachtman does the MTV thing an introduces

Konnan's New Music Video. This video represents the life in the street and stuff. Yeah. Give me a fuckin' break. If he was REALLY working with Kid Frost, Frost woulda made Konnan his BITCH by now. The only thing worse than white folk is white folk pretendin' to be Raza! Trust me, I've LIVED it! (No, I haven't.) I like to imitate Roger's funny voice thing to this song. "Much more booooooooooounce" then I like to do that funky guitar. "dankatadankatadankdank dankatadank"

The NWO brings us another clip in "black and white film noise-o-vision" - Nash & Hogan going all MST3K on us to Flair's interview of last week. Do they really think people will BUY this crap? Well, I'm insulted. But what do I know, I'm just a wrestling fan. This clip (mercifully) ends with Nash and Hogan deciding they need to "regroup" and "switch gears" and "go to Plan B" because Flair didn't react to his son turning on him. Or something. I'm sure they'll tell us three more times later in the show. They appear to have PLENTY of time for clips and stories and stuff...

Here's a Special Video Look at Lex Luger for no apparent reason!

WCW MasterCard ad.

Closed captioning where available brought to you by JollyTime BLAST O' BUTTER popcorn!

Konnan T-shirt ad (#2). What the FUCK is going on here? By my watch, it's forty minutes and we have not ONCE seen a live arena!

Bruise Cruise ad - Nitro Girls will stretch out in the sunshine and hopefully get seasick

WCW "Road to Spring BreakOut" series continues in Boston with cops making Scott Steiner and Buff Bagwell cops for the day. They won't get a ticket if they give out tickets all day. This is about as lame as it sounds, makes about as much sense as it sounds, and, because it's now G-rated, contains NO fine lookin' babes to speak of. There is ONE smokin' babe, but she's smokin' in the sense that she's actually smoking a cigarette and not that she's....yeah. Sigh. Do you think it's EASY to find something to talk about here?

Riki Rachtman tells us for a second time that Cinn-A-Burst and 1-800-COLLECT bring us WCW Spring BreakOut. Also, he eats Domino's Pizza. KIDMAN is also apparently demoted to Nitro Party duty. I'm starting to wonder if this is really "live" and also if we're going to get ANY live television in this first hour. I hope they're saving a TON of money on this, 'cause they'll need it.

Here's a Special Video (FUCK) Look at Kevin Nash and Rey Mysterio Jr. and all the wackiness that has come from the whole mask thing.

The NWO gets ANOTHER clip - we're at a gun club where Kevin and Hollywood go out to meet - well, apparently her name is now "Sam" - she's shooting a gun like she's - oh, hell, this is too stupid to bother thinking up something funny about it. God help us all. She laughs a little TOO long and tries a little TOO hard to be evil sounding with it. Hogan says "Lethal Weapon 5" proving he has STEVE BLACKMAN on his mind. Notice we never actually SEE her shooting - wait, I got it! It's a "Charlie's Angels" homage! Yeah, that's better than a "VIP" joke any day. Only eleven minutes to go...

Another UnCeNsOrEd promo

And now Hogan, Nash, and Sam are eating. I can't see the double turn here. I'm sorry, I can't buy into this theory. Maybe in five or six more clips I'll change my mind again. Anyway, another woman is introduced into the mix - her name is apparently "Mrs. Robinson." Have I mentioned that this SUCKS yet? Have I mentioned that I have problems seeing this as G-rated? Somewhere along the line we learn that there's a $20,000 payoff for something and something else. You know - WHY would they give away their plans on nationwide TV like this anyway?

(Fucking fifty-five minutes after) opening credits

APW action hits the Mt. Pleasant High School gymnasium FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY! Mighty midgets! Six big matches! Mike Modest vs. Maxx Justice! What are you waiting for, a match during Nitro?

RAW is WAR is NEXT MONDAY at the San Jose Arena! It's too bad they don't have Dok Hendrix saying "hey! THIS SHOW SUCKS! Come see OURS!"

At FIFTY-NINE FUCKING MINUTES AFTER THE HOUR, we are welcomed to Worcester, MA and the Centrum 8.3.99 for LIVE Monday Nitro action. GENE O. starts off that INCREDIBLE action with - get ready - a FUCKING INTERVIEW. Gene says he's got an interview with Goldberg, but the Wolfpack's music plays - and out comes DAVID SAMMARTINO - ERR, FLAIR along with SAM. David says he's here to meet his father like a man, and he won't leave the ring until he appears. I don't think I've said this yet in my 11 months returning to recap duty, but - IF YOU HAVEN'T SWITCHED TO RAW BY NOW, YOU HAVE NO FUCKING BRAIN. Anyway, Sam says ... something. Ric makes no appearance, but Goldberg's music fires up - as David casts an uneasy eye to the entryway...we take another ad break.

Speaking of Meltzer rumours, I'm starting to think that one about Nash & Hogan trying to deliberately run WCW into the ground just MIGHT be true.

When we come back, there's GOLDBERG walking to the ring. WCW gets no transcriptions from me tonight. Goldberg says David needs to learn respect for his father as well as for Himself. David, who is an idiot, points into Goldberg's chest - Goldberg grabs him and takes him to the corner. In a split screen, we see Flair arrive, glance at a monitor, and take a dead sprint to the ring. Once THE MAN makes it IN the ring, he grabs Goldberg, wheels him around, and gives him a chop (woooo!). David and the woman run off - Goldberg picks up Flair and gently guerilla slams him. Words are exchanged, and the next thing you know there's a Flair/Goldberg match on tonight. The crowd is made up entirely of pod people 'cause they're BOOING Flair. It's like they were brainwashed for an hour---ohh.

HAK (with barbed wire & cane) v. RAVEN (with chair & Chastity) in a Falls count anywhere match - 73 minutes into the show we have some action - just BARELY beating RAW to the punch, given an hour headstart. How fucking lame is THIS. They drop the weapons and embrace, then Raven attacks. Back and forth and I'm just not in the mood. I can't help but think how much Hak looks like Raven's friend Jim from Florida. Hak on a table - Raven off the entryway scaffoldiing through the table. Tony says it's never been done because he's an idiot who doesn't go out much. BAM BAM BIGELOW is out and the bell sounds for no apparent reason (? 3:15) I hate life. Now Tony says the bell was "inadvertant" so the match will continue with Bigelow. I guess this means that you're getting for free this PPV match, and if you spend money to see this match on Sunday you're an idiot. Everybody's backstage now - there's a ladder - there's a dumpster - there's a trashcan - who uses what on whom? It just doesn't matter any more. Take a drink when somebody says "extreme" or "hardcore" 'cause you must be drunk to be watching this shite! There's an ambulance! There's a zamboni! Dare I even question where Kanyon might be this whole time? There's a limo! Crowd is chanting "Larry" because they're reeeeeeeally bored. Raven DDT's Hak on the hood of the limo - Bigelow splashes Raven on that same hood. Nobody bleeds because this is the G-rated WCW. If you can explain to me how men running other men's heads into various parts of a limousine (including the windshield) is G-rated, well, you belong on a ratings board, I guess. Since it's getting a little slow (a LITTLE?) we cut to a clip from last week of these three guys brawling in the back. And then we go to an ad break? (? 13:34)

Cage construction clip (2).

LIZMARK JR. v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with JPS Ralphus) - God, if they job out Jericho here...I swear....I'm close to the edge here. Jericho is wearing the dog collar and chain. Jericho takes the mic before the match and talks up Perry Saturn, mentioning that he's specially trained in Nepal with the very special Chain Match Yogis and Magic Men. He asks "Lizzie" to make tonight's match a dog collar match. Tony says "There's been too much talk and not enough wrestling here!" but he's only talking about THIS segment, alas. Lizmark goes for it, shocking the hell out of the commentary team. Jericho steps on the chain and takes him down - he tries a chain shot but Lizmark scoots away. To the corner, Lizmark steps aside and dropkicks Jericho. Jericho reverses a charge, then beals him by the chain across the rain. Choke is on. Jericho wraps his elbow with the chain and hist the back of the head. Chain choke. Stomp on the head. Snapmare. Jericho wraps his knee in the chain and drops it. Amazingly, Lizmark is not bleeding. But, hey, this is UNCENSORED! Suplex from Jericho. Arrogant cover, kick out at 2. Jericho wraps his arm in the chain and hits a short clothesline. Chain choke again. Kick to the gut. Now Jericho ties up Lizmark with the chain - kicks him down - tries a pinfall but only gets 2. Jericho throws him out of the ring. Fist to the head wrapped in the chain. Lizmark pulls Jericho out of the ring by the chain. After some choke action, Lizmark climbs to the top rope - but comes in and meets the chain on his throat. Jericho wraps his neck again and applies the Liontamer. Tap out. (4:31) I guess I should point out that referee "Blind" Scott Dickinson does nothing to remind us of the storyline that HE was involved in, so I guess that's just dropped off to nothing and we're supposed to forget it....

Let Us Take You Back To Earlier Tonight Where David, Goldberg, and Ric Had Much Fun At Our Expense

WCW Spring BreakOut '99 is 2 weeks from tonight! Will ANYBODY show up? At this rate...

SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with Buff Is The Stuff) v. BOOKER T. for the World Television Championship - Scott says "hooches" this week which should get him fired if we're lucky. Then he says "Big Bad Booty Daddy" and "This goes to all my freaks out there..." which I guess is G-rated this week. If there is ANY justice in the world, Scott will drop the strap and THEN get fired. Lockup, to the corner, no clean break, finally a break. Lockup, Steiner with a gut shot and some of that general pounding. To the ropes, off the ropes, shoulderblock takes T down. Back and forth, leapfrog, flying fist takes Steiner down. Punches in the corner. Whip is reversed, Steiner comes out and runs into a spin kick. Booker T. with another two kicks and Steiner's out to Buff. After an eternity, he's back in - here's a little mat wrestling, Steiner coming out on top. Facelock. Steiner elbows to the head. Steiner takes him to the corner and kicks and punches. Whip into the opposite corner is reversed and Booker T. hits a lariat. Again in the opposite corner with the lariat. Steiner's head bounced off two different turnbuckles but the tide turns when Steiner's trick knee acts up. Steiner to the attack with a stomp. Whip off the ropes, clothesline. Steiner kisses his bicep and drops an elbow. Feet on the ropes but only 2. Steiner throws him outside and distracts referee "Blind" Johnny Boone so Buff can get his shot in. Steiner outside and Booker T's head meets the STEEL barricade. The "steroids" chant cannot be blocked out for a minute there. Mic cable choke by Steiner. Boot to the head. And NOW we'll take an ad break while they're still outside.

When we come back, they're both in and going off the ropes - T with a flying jalapeno and cover for less than 1 - Steiner pops up and hits a lariat. Steiner poses. Belly-to-belly suplex - punch to the head - right again. Steiner kicks and punches. To the corner, succession of rights. Steiner stands on the throat. Scoop and a backbreaker. Knee on the shoulders - 2 count. Booker T. with the surprise inside cradle but only 2. Steiner back up with a knee. Stompin'. Again. Right hand. Double underhook - up and down with a powerbomb. 1, 2, kickout. Steiner picks him up and ties him to the tree of Woe. Now he's outside and pulling in the neck - ouch. T tries a shot - Steiner comes back with a few shot s of his own. T counters out of a suplex attempt and hits a swinging neckbreaker. Both men slow to get up. Booker T. with the Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine. Steiner gets a knee to the gut but T ducks a lariat attempt, doubles him over and hits the axe kick! Off the ropes, BIGtime lariat from Booker T. Forearm - slapjack off the ropes - breakdance. Harlem sidekick! Time for the screwjob - Booker T. climbs to the top - Buff moves the foot and crotches Booker T. - I hate WCW - Steiner recliner - serves me right for watching - Arm falls once - arm falls twice - arm doesn't fall a third time - Stiener drops him - Boone calls for the bell even though the arm didn't fall a third time - figures. They botch the finish just to fuck with me a little more. (14:04) Boone thrown out of the ring and the chair is applied to Booker T. just for fun. Whose fun? Not mine.

Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight Where Flair Rants and Raves and Sets Up A Match With Goldberg

WCW Nitro Spring BreakOut '99 ad (#2). Only two weeks away!

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Bashin' Brawlers ("Getoffmy - NOSE!"), Hot Pockets, Moen faucets, Arrid XX TotalSport, Aqua Velva IceSport, and Blimpie!

Tony Schiavone makes a mocking voice to confuse us. Hey, look, it's (some of) the Nitro Girls! Bobby Heenan has joined the commentators because it's the third hour (God help us all).

Backstage, Gene O. talks to Jerry Flynn - but before we hear from him, Sonny Onoo appears and tries to offer him a bribe - after Flynn declines, the Cat jumps him from behind. Now THAT'S an outfit! Onoo cuts off Flynn's ponytail! NOOOOOO! NOT THE MULLET!!!!!! Careful inspection reveals Onoo's pile of money was all ones - THAT'S probably why Flynn was so pissed off.

THUNDER! ad features no jobbers for me to make fun of

BIG SCOTT NORTON v. REY MYSTERIO, JR. - Fuck, I should just call him Konnan Jr. and get it over with. If Norton doesn't KILL Rey here...well, like Norton has a chance. Now I'm no judge of aesthetics, but I've decided Rey's one UGLY mofo. Norton takes him into the corner - whips him into the opposite corner and chops him to the mat (woooo!). Rey says "ow." Double thrust - chokeslam to the mat. Norton stalks and there's a short clothesline. "I can beat this man ANY time I want!" says Norton to the camera. Sigh. Scoop and a slam. Elbow to the small of the back - Rey rolls outside. Somehow Rey beats the count - Norton advances. Rey catches a kick and pulls him out of the corner and down to the mat. Rainbow suplex looks neat. "Watch this!" Knife-edge chop and he falls to the mat. Headbutts contain reckless abandon. Referee "Blind" Randy Anderson puts on the mandatory ten count but Norton picks him up for more punishment. Off the ropes - back elbow takes him down again. I don't CARE if Norton has 100% of the offense for the first four minutes - it will make Rey's eventual win look even MORE stupid. Norton picks him up - double thrust to the throat and down he goes. Norton makes him sail over the top rope to the floor. Norton steps on the hand as he tries to get back in the ring. Rey looks frustrated. Rey rolls back in - Norton immediately on him with the big squash in the corner. Again. Rey to the mat. Whip into the oppostie corner. Rey collapses to the mat. Crowd is uneasy at watching this carnage. Norton elbows again to the small of the back. Field goal kick. Looks like it's powerbomb time. Rey collapses - Norton picks him up anyway - Rey punches away like it's time to come back but Norton delivers a snake eyes in the corner. Wow, maybe Norton has a chance after all if he's gonna be so smart! Norton picks up Rey and powerbombs him. 1, 2, HE PULLS HIM UP! Oh, Norton Norton Norton. Norton picks him by the pants WITH ONE HAND and PRESS SLAMS him. Damn. 1, 2, HE PULLS HIM UP AGAIN! Sigh. "I can beat you any time I want little man - uhh!" because Rey's kicked him in the nuts. Fortunately, Anderson was looking the other way, and ALSO fortunately he has the fastest three count in history to keep Rey the Giant killer. Fucking WCW. (7:11 - free Slurpees!)

Hey look, it's (some of) the Nitro Girls! MTV airs the Beach Brawl from Cancun this weekend!

Cage construction clip (3). If it plays three times during a show, I have to hate it. That reminds me, when are we gonna see that Konnan T-shirt ad again?

You're right - a Nitro Girls dance routing and video of cage construction WAS that entire last segment.

FAR OUT VAN HAMMER v. BRET CLARKE - "Hi, I'm Bret Hart. I was the biggest name in the sport. I left one federation in one of the most controversial finishes in the history of pay-per-view telecasts, and signed with another in what was considered one of the biggest coups in this highly competitive field. Tonight I'm fighting DDP's friend in the last half hour of Nitro. Maybe I'll get a couple free chairshots afterwards. Castrol GTX will provide the replays. I hate my life." (Sharpshooter 10:45)

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and Bobby Heenan. I'll give 'em this - we didn't SEE 'em until 2:45 in. Before they talk about whatever it is they were going to talk about - the Wolfpack theme fires up and YOU KNOW WHO & BIG POOCHIE, who are probably the best of friends these days, make their way to the commentary booth. Tenay and Heenan scatter as Nash and Hogan flank Tony in the booth. Nash makes fun of Hogan - "he's doin' a Zbyszko on us!" - and says that he and Hogan just HAD to come down and call the "War in Woos-town!" Hogan and Nash do some prattling and we're ready for the last ad break

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Wolverine Boots and Shoes!

Cage construction clip (4). FUCK YOU WCW!

THE MAN v. COLD BEER - I guess Michael Buffer don't GO to Worcester! I wish I could get up for this match, but I'm depressed. Collar and elbow tieup - Goldberg shoves him back into the center of the ring, repeat lockup, repeat shove. Nash and Hogan are idiots on colour. Shoulderblock attempt by Flair finds nothing. Again he meets the brick wall. A third attempt ends with Goldberg catching Flair, lifting him up in a press, dropping him to his shoulder, and hitting a powerslam. When was the last time Flair wore black trunks? Flair walks around the ring trying to shake it off. Flair's *walking away*! Goldberg comes out to follow. Right hand. Fireman's carry back to the ring. Nash makes an insider Oz joke but I'm not the mood to hear Poochie play to the smarts. Flair begs off and then pokes the eyes. Flair asks referee "Blind" Billy Silverman to check the time so he can get away with kicking him in the nuts. Chop (woooo!), punch, chop (woooo!), Golotta (oooh!) Cover. 1, 2, Goldberg kicks him off with authority. Big-time facerake by Flair. Right hand. Chop (woooo!). To the corner, right hand, right hand, right to the kidneys, to the body, crowd warming up on Goldberg as Flair continues with the rights - Goldberg pops up and grabs Flair - but Flair hits another low blow which is a MIRACLE Silverman missed it. Flair off the ropes - chop block to the back of the knee. Figure four? Yes! Flair's grabbing the ropes as well...sigh. Goldberg drags him to the centre of the ring and reverses the hold. Flair breaks the hold. In the corner, chop (woooo!), again (woooo!), again (woooo!) but Goldberg is starting to shrug them off. Another chop (woooo!) and Goldberg roars. Flair punches away and chops again (woooo!), but Goldberg doesn't feel it. Boot to the gut, no, again, no, to the knee, Goldberg pops up and clotheslins Flair. Goldberg with rights and lefts. Whip to the opposite corner, Flair flip! Flair off the apron to the floor. Goldberg with the knee to the gut, 2, whip into the opposite corner, Flair throws up an elbow which stuns Goldberg - Flair to the top turnbuckle - NO FLAIR, THAT NEVER WORKS! - Goldberg catches him and tosses him halfway across the ring. Goldberg ready to spear but Flair sidesteps it and Goldberg's shoulder hits the post. Flair with the vertical suplex - he's stylin' and profilin' but Goldberg popped up again. SPEAR! Well now, what the hell is THIS? It's DISCO INFERNO & the BLACK & WHITE come to the ring to FURTHER confuse me. (DQ? No contest? 8:38) Goldberg throws Disco out of the ring onto Horace - Vincent is taken out with one shot but Stevie Ray has better luck - until Goldberg turns the tide with a move *he stole from Steve Blackman*. That's right. Now Nash and Hogan are also in the ring. Everybody's on Goldberg. Ummm, where's Flair here? There he is. Low blows and punching on Disco Inferno - Vincent - Nope, there's too many people. Flair AND Goldberg being attacked...oops, we're out of time.

Can I put into words how much this show sucked?

See you next week!