Dear Chris,

The pants Meng was wearing in his match against Jerry Flynn are called hakamas. They are wide, pleated pants used mainly by practitioners of akido and kendo.

James Lawson

I'm willing to overlook ALL of that and STILL proclaim them pretty cool.

Chris- I'm a big Mullet fan. I simply love the hair cut- on others of course. However, I can't help but note a disturbing trend in recent months in terms of Mullet-dom and wrestling.

Wrestling used to DOMINATED by mullets. And while there are still some very good mullets out there, such as Hulk Hogan's "Involuntary" Mullet, Chris Benoit's "Intensity" Mullet, and Jeff Jarrett's "Traditional Nashville" Mullet, mullets seem to be dissapearing. Perhaps a conspiracy?

Case in point #1- Lance Storm. Lance Storm floundered in ECW with his obscene box-cut-with-dyed-blonde-rattail. True, he put on good matches, and was over. However, his push did not begin until his blonde rattail was cut this summer.

Case in point #2- Mike Awesome really broke out in ECW with his matches against Masato Tanaka. He also really broke out one of the greatest haircuts of all-time, a severe sharp incline shaved on sides back length mullet. It was a textbook mullet. As he was about to become a star, he mysteriously is injured in Japan.

Case in point #3- perhaps the best mullet in all of wrestling, Eddy Guerrero. While Eddy was putting on some absolute clinics, his hair was getting better and better each week. As he was about to become one of the great heels in WCW, he gets in a car accident. His brilliant mullet disapears of our TV screen for months. When he returns- how much you want to bet it's with a short crew cut?

Case in point #4- Jerry Flynn. Forever a prelim wrestler, Jerry Flynn gets an odd push against Ernest Miller. The angle? Jerry Flynn has his mullet chopped off. Weeks before, signs proclaiming Flynn's mullet to the unaware masses. Coincidence? Hardly.

Even mullet mainstays Barbarian and Meng have had their hair tampered with the past few weeks. We must put an end to this. I implore you, Chris. Help get the mullet back over as the pre-eminent wrestling hair cut. I need it.

Destrucitly Yours,
Greggulator

THIS man, friends, is onto something. As I result, I hereby pledge that when *I* finally take MY hair in for the shock treatment, I'll walk out with a mullet. Yeah! And then I'll start COACHING HOCKEY! YEAH! AND THEN...

Finally, on Flynn's sudden demulleting, Wes Smith offers:

BTW, you think they made Jerry Flynn mullet-less to make him look like Steve Blackman? Cause I'll tell ya, it ain't working, man.

I'm witchoo, bro.

This clip montage is rated TV-PG-DV! Ric Flair talks, Goldberg talks, closed captioned symbol lets you know they're talking, Nash talks, Hogan talks, these guys must think they're on RAW or something... tell me again how Goldberg teaming up with Flair gets him any closer to that belt? And here's some highlights from the match, which didn't have an end.

"You want drama? We've got drama!" are the first words from Tony Schiavone's mouth because TONIGHT is the WCW NITRO SPRING BREAKOUT and it's breaking out all over! We are LIVE from Club La Vela in Panama City, FL 22.3.99, where spring is delayed but the SHOW MUST GO ON!

Let Us Take You Back to UnCeNsOrEd where Chastity did some bad things to Raven and helped Hak win the hardcore triple threat match. Then Mongo's music played for Hak. Er.

BULL PAYNE v. FAR OUT VAN HAMMER - The crowd wastes no time letting loose with a "boring" chant. That's your highlight. No, wait, the highlight is Mike Tenay shilling the WCW Hotline during this match - yeah! THAT'S the highlight! (Flashback -> pin 4:58)

The Spring Break-Out is brought to you by Cinn-A-Burst - BITE ME!

WCW/NWO Magazine ad.

WCW Superstar Series - Goldberg! Diamond Dallas Page! High octane highlights!

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Baby Ruth! Oooh, baby!

Let us take you back to last week's Nitro and highlights of the Kidman/Mysterio cruiserweight title bout. These highlights are SLIGHTLY more interesting than the Hammer/Payne bout we just saw.

RIKI RACHTMAN interviews REY MYSTERIO, JR. who starts talking as Konnan's "Psycho" mysteriously starts up. Mysterio says we're partying like hogs, it's party non stop, oh and Kidman deserves another titleshot, so how about at Spring Stampede. Rey must think he's like Wayne or something - Party on! He doesn't have the belt out where we can see it - maybe it doesn't work for him like it did for Kidman (and Mean Gene).

Here's a lot of shots of people on the beach wearing Not Many Clothes and saying "Bite the burst!" and random intervals.

I just saw a Hyatte sign! I think I'll have to take this week off so I won't have to mention it!

Bruise Cruise ad - it now promises that you'll be sailin' away with not only the Nitro Girls and Buff Bagwell, but also Sting, Diamond Dallas Page and Disco Inferno! And don't forget that special autograph signing with Goldberg! Man, Disco's gonna be in bad shape with all those NWO-haters on board with him.

If it's Spring Break, it must be A FUN MUSIC VIDEO! That's right, it's the Sweaty White Guys House Band! That one guy DOES kinda look like Sugar Ray, though - or is it Jimmy Ray? I get them mixed up.

Riki Rachtman interviews DISCO INFER-NWO, who does his Yakov Smirnoff impersonation. Rachtman says that with each successive viewing, the Disco Inferno interpretation of Konnan's new music video gets more annoying. Disco (correctly) says that actually it's KONNAN'S video that gets more annoying each time you see it.

To prove Disco's point, we again see Disco's Konnan video. This gets FUNNIER each time I see it! This week I laugh at Disco's confused look when he talks about eating the worm.

Rachtman, who is an idiot, again says that people are sick of Disco's video - the crowd behind him TOTALLY blows him off. Yeah, fuck off, Riki! Disco reveals that his sources in Tijuana hate Konnan's video, and also he (Disco) will be producing Madonna's next video. Stay tuned!

Tony Schiavone totally loses his mind and by the time it's done, Spring BreakOut is brought to you by 1-800-COLLECT and Cinn*A*Burst gum and Lee Marshall lives.

Here's a Special Video Look at Scott Steiner and Buff Bagwell. Breaking up is hard to do. The word "damn" is beeped in this clip, as is "suck."

Yo yo yo, in the nine double, mi vida loca, ice cream on a hot summer's day, parental advisory, eat the worm, buy the shirt.

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Smash&Slam wrestlers, Slim Jim, Croissant Pockets, and Judge Wapner for structured settlement cash.

Fit Finlay knocks on Rick Steiner's door - hey, Rick's shacking up with Mickey Jay! And he drinks Surge! Oh, and I guess they're fighting later.

Let Us Take You Back to Last Week and yet another clipfest from last week's four-way interview which was pretty good last week but diminishes with each clipfest look back. "If I gotta be YOUR partner to get that belt, so be it!" What the HELL does that mean?

Riki Rachtman narrates a Goldberg at NASCAR clip

...but he's interrupted by HAK with CHASTITY. He was the man who came into WCW his first night and he told you that he was the king of extreme, the king of hardcore, so from now on you'll refer to him as Hardcore Hak, the King of Extreme. Tonight, Hak takes on Goldberg. Hak manhandles Rachtman's mic arm, then canes himself until he starts bleeding - that's it! He's FIRED! I can't take my eyes off that blue skunk thing Rachtman's put in his hair.

Let's take a Special Video Look at 60 Seconds of Goldberg. I keep seeing Fit Finlay's natural hair colour hair in this clip for some reason...

Sting walks through the rain - to QVC! Tuesday at 6pm (9 on the East Coast)!

Mortal Kombat is NEXT! This is like the FOURTH time they've shown this episode, by the way.

K-Dogg T-shirt ad (#2).

Closed captioning brought to you over the wires of WESTERN UNION! (What's that again?)

PSICOSIS, SILVER KING, EL DANDY y LA CUCARACHA v. LA PARKA, DAMIAN 666, SUPER CALO y ATLANTIS - 38 minutes without wrestling - these guys must think this is RAW or something! "La Cucaracha," whom nobody's seen before, could be David Flair for all I know - white guy in Uno Mascara, long sleeved lumberjack shirt and long pants. Fair to middlin' by-the-numbers WCW lucha-lite match shows everybody high-flyin' except the unknown luchadore. Silver King's got one swank 'do-rag on tonight - almost EXACTLY like Calo's now that I look at it. About four minutes in - everybody starts taking turns hitting and/or (mostly) missing spectacular moves - Psychosis goes so far as to miss *jumping to the top turnbuckle,* crotching himself in the process. Finally, Cucaracha, who has STILL not tried a high-risk manoeuvre, hits the Chartbuster on Calo, then on Dandy, then on Damien. Damien is pinned (5:32), he waves off everybody, walks off, saying to the camera "No comprende" in a voice not unlike Disco Inferno, and walks off. 10-10-321 brings the replay and STILL no one's noticed that one of the people hit with the neckbreaker was *one of his own teammates*. Well, maybe they'll explain this later. Or maybe, just to piss me off, they won't.

Here's another special look at Spring Break - THIS time the random coments are directed at 1-800-COLLECT instead of the gum. Sigh. Hey, you know, I don't care HOW many shots of Spice you throw in, I still don't really want to watch this.

Spring Stampede promo - it's 11 April! Call NOW!

(Fifty-eight minutes after) Opening Credits - so is this first hour SOME OTHER SHOW now? And can we bring in some OTHER guy, force HIM to watch it and write it up? "Hey, Chris, if you don't like it, why do you WATCH it?" Oh, fuck off.

Hak faces Goldberg tonight! And a whole lot more! And a TV-PG-DV ratings box! And the FIREWORKS don't work very well! And I guess there's no way to see the commentators tonight (thank God!)

Hey, look, it's the Nitro girls - up in the balcony!

J.J. Dillon and Ric Flair talk about women and their plans for tonight. Flair says he's going to issue an open challenge to the entire locker room but have his opponent be picked by lottery - draw from a hat. Then Ric leans in close and whispers "stay midcard - lots of cruiserweights." Oh God, I HOPE nobody's watching the show right now! They'll learn about this DEVIOUS plan!

Mike Tenay has a very special taped interview with Dusty Rhodes - a consultant to WCW, we now learn. We also learn that last week there was an altercation between Rhodes and some of Flair's people. We move WAY back to the Malenko/Windham match where Rhodes made the key call that turned EVERYTHING around for Flair. Rhodes said that Flair told him that he would be named comissioner after he won the company, but maybe it was just an oversight that that hasn't happened by now. He said that Flair said Zbyszko had the spot that the best colour commentator in WCW was having, but that hasn't happened. Rhodes says that he heard that he and TENAY were going to change places, but THAT hasn't happened. All these things must be oversights on the part of Flair. Anyway, tradition is back. Rhodes says "lay the smack down" then calls himself the Rapmaster! He wants to know if Flair's "kwoss" with him, bottom line. Rhodes says he's still the..."wool of the woods?" -the hell?

GENE O. works tonight! If you're like me, you're hoping that the guy who gets tossed in the drink THIS year is Okerlund, but due to his advanced years, I'm sure it isn't to be so. Zbyszko fumes about Rhodes, yet again, and I LOVE the continuity here (I guess.) Anyway, THE MAN is out but he doesn't get about ten words out before RAVEN is out to demand a title shot - and that's just MEAN GENE! Flair says, okay, you can have a title shot - with Kanyon - against Malenko and Benoit. Raven says Kanyon is out filming a Jesse Ventura story and Flair knows that. Flair says so, Raven says I'll beat 'em myself then, and you get the feeling he probably will tonight, sigh. Anyway, after that dueling feedback, Flair addresses Rhodes' comments with a "whether you like it or don't like it..." line and we look at a smokin' babe. Woooo! Flair says we're gonna put everybody's name in a hat and pull one name out. Flair says "Hogan, Hart, Goldberg, Sting, Hall, Nash" even though *you and I are privy to Flair's dastardly scheme* to avoid any of those people.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay and thelivinglegend Larry Zbyszko, who has to stand up to piss off Rhodes and me. Tony and Mike apparently did not see that clip that you and I saw - that secret look into the inner sanctum of Flair's diabolical mind. Tony loses his format to the wind - oh, no, he'll be CONFUSED the rest of the night!

FIT FINLAY v. RICK STEINER - I think Rick said "Where's Izzy" on his way to the ring! Lockup, to the ropes. Rick's roommate "Blind" Mickey Jay is the ref for this bout. Lockup, to the corner, reversal by Finlay, clean break. Right hand by Finlay, European uppercut, kick to the face, it's all Finlay, no wait, Rick fires back and takes over with rights. Off the ropes, back elbow and Finlay goes down. But he pops up and now it's toe-to-toe. Rick gets the better of him and takes him down. Finlay takes a powder on the outside. Back in...Lockup, Vulcan nerve hold by Finlay. Elbow, reverse chinlock and because this is only the third match we might as well take an ad break right here.

When we come back, NOTHING'S HAPPENED! Well, hopefully - I'm sure all the GOOD stuff happens during the break, right? Scoop and a slam from Finlay and he's pulling back on the arms now. Finlay takes the head back to the mat. Elbow across the throat - 1, 2, no. Double thrust to the chest. Steiner with a right. Finlay takes him outside the ring and drops his chin across the apron. Elbow to the chest. Finlay with the chair but Jay won't let him use it. Commentators talk about Ric Flair stripping Scott Hall of the US title last Thursday - there'll be a tourney match tonight. Scott Steiner, Buff Bagwell and Chris Jericho in matches tonight if I hear right. Steiner's letting loose with rights, but Finlay reverses a whip, then charges and hits. 1, 2, no. Whip into the corner again - Steiner puts up the boot. Steinerline. Up and over and dropping Finlay. Elbowdrop for 2. Finlay with a jawbreaker to come back. European uppercut. Suplex attempt is countered with a steiner DDT. He's going to the top - bulldog - 1, 2, 3. (8:51) Is it just me, or is it hard to watch that bulldog without worrying about the neck of whoever he's putting it on?

Coming up later tonight, this, that, that, and that!

Bobby Heenan takes his place at the commentary table. Hey, look! It's the Nitro Girls!

EL VAMPIRO (canadianse) v. NEVER SURRENDER JUVENTUD GUERRERA - it's been one week shy of nine months between appearances for ol' Vampiro, who isn't wearing his freaky makeup - must be a THUNDER! only thing. Vampiro shoves Juvi to the mat, then Juvi runs into a kick. Chop (woooo!), headbutt. Off the ropes, Juvi slides under, chops (woooo!), again (woooo!), again (woooo!), off the ropes, clothesline ducked, hobehind, counter, off the ropes, flying headscissors by Guerrera. Ten Punch Count Along - Juvi takes it to 11 'cause he likes Spinal Tap. Vampiro counters with a TEN STORY POWERBOMB. 1, 2, no! Referee is "Controversial" Charles Robinson. Fireman's carry into a slam. Whip into the corner, Juvi goes up and over, but Vampiro catches him into a uranage - only 2! Chop (woooo!). I wonder what Juvi's tights mean this week. Juvi ducks a kick off the ropes and hits a spinning heel kick of his own. Juvi off the ropes, duck clothesline, straight kick to the chest - coming off the ropes, Vampiro catches him and Juvi can't fight off another powerbomb. Remember when that move was illegal? Oh sorry. Vamprio goes for ANOTHER powerbomb but Juvi's adjusted - he holds the hair and takes him down with a faceslam. High crossbody is SUPPOSED to take Vampiro over the ropes, but it's botched. Juvi kicks him out anyway, then hits the springboard plancha in close quarters on the outside. Back in the ring, he's stalling big time. Baseball slide dropkick to Vampiro but now he's coming back in. Vampiro wants the test of strength - I guess we better take an ad break as Guerrera attacks instead...

Mortal Kombat is NEXT!

When we come back, Vampiro has him against the ropes and is chopping away (woooo!) - one more? Vampiro asks the crowd to quiet down so they can hear this one. CHOP! Woooo! That was kinda cool. Juvi comes back with a chest slap of his own, and Vampiro chops back (woooooo!). Vampiro whipped off the ropes, he holds on, Guerrera runs at him and gets tossed for his troubles. Trying to bring him in, Guerrera hits a hot shot, then a springboard dropkick coming in. 1, 2, kickout! Chop (woooo!), whip into the opposite corner, Vampiro off the ropes with a faceslam - 1, 2, foot on the rope. That crowd can NOT be chanting "boring" for these two non-Payne/Hammer guys, can they? Juventud with an reverse enziguiri (okay, YOU call it). Guerrera kicks at the knee. Vampiro hits the same enziguiri as Guerrera holds HIS other leg. Vampiro tries the powerbomb but Guerrera drops. Vampiro pounds on him and puts him in place again - and AGAIN hits the powerbomb. Now he's going for the kill - to the top turnbuckle - twisting moonsault finds nothing but the mat! Juvi has him in place for a guillotine legdrop off a springboard but it finds NOTHING. Slam DOES work, though, but before he can come off with the 450, Vampiro crotches him on the top. To the top goes Vamprio to meet him - GUT-WRENCH SUPERPLEX! How did he kick out of that. Up'n'over - countered - gut shot - got him - Juvi Driver! 1, 2, 3! (10:51) Juvi tells us that the juice is back.

Riki Rachtman introduces MISS NITRO '99 - JULIE WILLIAMS - who comes out, like, wearing CLOTHES and stuff - what's up with THAT? I don't care HOW cold it is, you come out in a bikini! Hell, that'd HELP! Before we go too far, out come YOU KNOW WHO, BIG POOCHIE and SEVERAL BIKINI'D BABES (these bikins are probably *slightly* more adult then G-rated, by the way) Nash says now that we've seen the WCW Miss Nitro, it's time to check out the finalists in the NWO Miss Spring Break - while the crowd chants "Show your tits," Hogan and Nash count up the women, come up with seven and ask where the eighth woman went. Nash says, in regards to the chant "I'd do it, guys, but it's a little cold out." Turns out the eighth woman is in fact SAMANTHA, walking arm in arm with DAVID SAMMARTINO - ERRR, FLAIR. She's wearing a dress instead of a bikini - ahh, Nash takes care of me by asking her to display her bikini. Riki again asks the crowd to give it up for Miss Nitro. Nash asks Riki to pick a Miss NWO - when he demurs, Nash puts him in the powerbomb position. Riki says he'll pick one - "whoever you want" - and Samantha wins. She takes a walk for us and the camera can only show her from the waist up, because tits are okay, but asses are definitely not G-rated. Nash says "Sable eat your heart out" and I wonder if it's more glamorous to be on the cover of Oxygen - or Playboy.

The 1999 Spring Break-Out is brought to you by Cinn-A-Burst and DON'T YOU FORGET IT.

HAK (with Chastity) v. COLD BEER - Hak slides with the dropkick and takes his feet out from under him to start this one early. Hak chokes him on the railing. Left hand as Hak starts the chant himself. Throwing him back in the ring, another left. Left, left, he's shaking it off. Coming back with rights and Hak hits the canvas. PEC FLEX! ROAR! Hak drops and pushes him through the ropes to the outside. Left, left, left, back in the ring. Whip is reversed, Goldberg catches him and drops him to the mat. Cross armbreaker is applied and Hak gets the bottom rope with his feet. Gutshot, face rake as Hak stands up. Chastity provdes the chair - there's a bulldog to the chair. Cane! Cane! Cane to the HEAD, again, of course Goldberg shrugs off ALL of this and roars. Hak tries his finisher of the Russian legsweep with the cane but Goldberg blocks and Hak goes down on his own. Bodyslam. Spear! Jackhammer! *I* may not like it but the crowd hasn't been louder tonight. 1, 2, 3. (3:00)

Gene O. brings out BRET CLARKE, who continues to wear the Calgary Hitmen jersey, which can only mean they're still alive in the playoffs. "You know Gene, I came here to EARN a reputation, not lose it." Hart says he's gotten exactly zero title shots in his year in WCW, then reminds the fans that it was HE that wiped the floor with Flair back in January '98. Okerlund says that Hogan/Hart would be a dream match - Hart says he's lost patience with him. Okerlund says what about a Hart/Nash match - Hart says some things never change - he may be the pencil but Hart can be the eraser. What about Goldberg? "He's been hand-fed opponents - he's never been in the ring with a real technical wrestler! Goldberg has never fought any real competition - I could beat him in five minutes!" Hart reiterates a five-minute challenge. And what does this interview set up, you may ask? Let's take an ad break!

Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! And they're IN DRAG!

HORACE (hogan) v. VINCENZO - "I'm in charge!" "No, I'm in charge!" "I'm the boss!" "No, I'm the boss!" "I'm the nephew!" "I'M the - no, wait, I'm not!" "I suck!" "No, *I* suck!" You know the thing is I really don't mind Horace all that much. I won't mind Vincent all that much either. But damn, I sure don't want them wrestling *each other*! My favourite thing when WCW is at Club La Vela floating on the pool is that there's NO way for anybody to SNEAK in when there's only that one walkway to the ring. That's why when STEVIE RAY makes his appearance, everybody knows about it. The exciting finisher THIS week is Vincent rolling up Horace into a small package (with the commentators pretending that Stevie caused it with a push, har har) for the pin (3:53), followed by Stevie putting the boots to Vince, Horace joining in. Now BRIAN (Heaven) ADAMS is out and letting loose on Horace until he's out of the ring. Adams and Stevie Ray have a conversation - Adams saying he was punking out Horace to get back at him for...well Stevie says he's mistaken; it was *Vince* he should be getting back at. And the best part is NO ONE CARES.

THUNDER! ad features Disco Inferno "gettin' jiggy" on the Disciple. No, REALLY.

WrestleMania XV spot in the local slot

Promotional consideration paid for by Bashin Brawlers' ("Owmyachin' - ARM!"), Blimpie subs & salads, Arrid XX TotalSport, and Hi-Ener-G scam pills

J.J. DILLON, ARN ANDERSON, THE VANILLA MIDGETS and THE MAN join Gene O. in the ring with the barrel of numbers. Several wrestlers make their money tonight by putting in cameos around poolside. Hi Chris Adams! Dillon picks number 23 (the Illuminati are EVERYWHERE) and we look backstage as El Dandy, arm in a sling, reveals that HE has the number. Rey Mysterio is happy to STEAL Dandy's world title shot - who is HE to doubt El Dandy, anyway? Rey walks out with the 23 card - Flair and Dillon are unhappy about this, but Flair says that if Mysterio is ready to be hurt, he can take the shot and end up just like Raven later.

Let's Take A Special Video Look at Benoit & Malenko - who Nash did NOT call the Vanilla Midgets, NEVER, NO he did not. So you stop spreading that nasty NASTY rumour about that.

VANILLA MIDGETS v. WHAT ABOUT RAVEN for the World Tag Team Championship - why of COURSE Malenko & Benoit stayed in the ring during the break so they wouldn't get an entrance - but Nash isn't trying to keep them down, no sir, not Nash. The Horsemen immediately attack before the bell and fail to stop doubleteaming. Now Malenko is out and Benoit is attacking. Tag to Malenko, double spinebuster, make a wish, Benoit drops the knee on HIS knee, dropkick to the knee by Malenko, Tejas cloverleaf is on and of course Raven loves pain so he won't give up. Malenko drops the hold and tags in Benoit. "It's time for you to feel a little pain." Kick in the back of the head - Crippler crossface applied. Raven again refuses to give up. Benoit breaks HIS hold. Geez, these guys sure got stupid. Double Okie blow by Benoit - tag to Malenko, who goes up top. Benoit puts Raven in the powerbomb position, Malenko comes off with a reverse DDT - crowd is raising their voices - ahh, it's SENSATIONAL PERRY SATURN come out to get a piece of Raven apparently. Benoit says you can have him when we're done, but this is Horsemen business. Then they turn their backs - MAN, they're stupid. Saturn cleans house. Rings of Saturn on Malenko! Benoit manages a dropkick to break it up. Off the ropes, lariat takes off Saturn's head. Benoit whips - reversed - coming out with a lariat. Malenko in - double suplex. Malenko with the leg lariat. Snapmare, tag. I guess Saturn is the partner now. Chop (woooo!), backbreaker, lightning fast 2 count from referee "Blind" Randy Anderson. Head to the buckle. Tag to Malenko and the doubleteam is still on. Malenko now systematically picking him apart. Another 2 count. Scoop slam. Tag to Benoit, cover, 2. Snap suplex. Saturn gets in a shot, then eats a kick to the head. Whip hard into the turnbuckle as Heenan and Schiavone take turns saying "this is our best broadcast ever." Belly-to-back suplex. Kick to the head. Whip into the corner. Tag. Doubleteam. Boot to the head from Malenko, kick to take him out of the ring. Benoit throws him back in. Tag. Off the ropes, double back elbow. There's no way this segment wins the ratings - it's like they PLANNED it to be this boring to make the Horsemen look bad. Belly-to-back suplex, no cover. Bodyslam, thumb-'cross-the-throat gesture - swandive headbutt coming up - but it MISSES! Raven reaches for a tag - tag! Raven cleans house! I guess he was playing possum, or else this makes no sense. Well, what am I saying. Evenflow attempt on Malenko is broken up by Benoit - Malenko and Raven outside - Crippler crossface - reversal! Rings of Saturn! Benoit screaming as Malenko and Raven brawl on the outside over Malenko's save. Malenko has a belt - RAVEN has a belt - both men in, Raven waffles Malenko with the belt - Anderson calls for the bell - aww, shucks, poor Raven and Saturn, they are disqualified. (DQ 9:58) Raven's music continues playing, though, just for kicks. I was waiting to see if Raven and Saturn shook hands or something but I must have missed it, ha ha.

Let Us Take You Back to Earlier in the Show where Samantha shows off her hooters

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by 10-10-220!

Clip from THUNDER! last week shows Flair stripping Scott Hall of the United States Heavyweight Champion for failure to defend, and subsequent announcement of a title tournament - the first match of which ALSO took place on that THUNDER! as Meng defeated Bam Bam Bigelow, causing many of us to wonder what exactly Bigelow did to piss off Nash this early in his WCW career.

SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO in a United States Title Tournament - Tenay shills the hotline one more time, promising that we'll get some idea where Sting and Randy Savage are if only we drop that $1.69 a minute and call up the ... nah. Steiner mangles the English language as only he can. When he says he'll be a "missionary man," I have to wonder what he's talking about, 'cause I KNOW this is only a G-rated show. Jericho is wearing a sash with Japanese on it, but because he no longer gets mic time on Nitro, we'll never learn what it said. No wait! Carlos Martinez wrote me JUST in the nick of time to say The Japanese writing on the sash Jericho was wearing was........ Chris Jericho. "Ku-ri-su Je(i think, might be jo)-e-ri-ko" That was the sash he wore in one of the New Japan Super J-cups. You're the MAN, Carlos! Jericho's ears hurt from the "Jericho sucks" chant. This is a heel vs. heel matchup, but Jericho quickly ensures Steiner will get the face pop by trying to posedown with him. Steiner quickly takes control of this match with the power moves (well, punches) and intimidation of referee "Blind" Billy Silverman. Anybody seen Nick Patrick lately? Jericho manages a brief flurry including a nice springboard dropkick (or, if you're Tony - "spriiiiiiiiiiiingboard mmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissile dropkick" - what the HELL'S up with that?) A second attempt at a high-risk move backfires when Steiner sidesteps it. Jericho meets the STEEL steps. Steiner brings him back in the ring and pounds him down but Jericho puts up a boot as Steiner charges. Missile dropkick DOES hit but Jericho only gets 2. Steiner back to the power moves. Through the ropes. We've gone two hours and fifty minutes and no one has YET tasted the pool water. Jericho with a hot shot on Steiner - coming in with a top rope elbow. Arrogant cover gets only 1. Snapmare, Ultimo Dragon kick. Steiner absorbs all this and comes back. Jericho reverses into a jawbreaker. Lionsault! 1, 2, no. Chop (woooo!), whip is reversed by Steiner, Jericho comes off with a kick - double leg - Liontamer attempt?!? Steiner blocks it, then whips him over with his own legs. Full nelson - Jericho elbows out, standing switch, Steiner's trick knee acts up. Heenan calls the trick knee!!!! Belly-to-belly overhead - Steiner recliner is on - thank you, good night. (submission 5:15) Ewww, they zoom in on his NAVEL for some reason.

MICHAEL BUFFER is back because he can no longer handle the DIRTY sport of boxing. Does this strike you as the type of main event to put up against Paul Wight/Steve Austin? Are they just THROWING in the towel here? And then, will they somehow blame the inevitable ratings loss on FLAIR? Nah, that's too Machiavellian of 'em isn't it. Buffer, of course, impresses the world with his incredible proficiency and knowledge of phonetic Spanglish.

THE MAN (with Arn Anderson) v. REY NO LONGER A MYSTERIO JR. for the World Heavyweight champion - Flair asks Mysterio ONE LAST TIME to PLEASE give him the LWO shirt once and for all, finally. They're talking in the ring. Mysterio offers the hand of friendship and Flair does that "too cool for you" hair move. Lockup, side headlock by Flair. Off the ropes, Flair knocks him down, back and forth, leapfrog, Rey with a drop toehold and a PLAYFUL TUSSLE OF THE HAIR! That's DEVASTATING! But I dig it anyway. Another drop toehold by Rey. A third. Rey stomps on the back - outside - springboard guillotine to th eback of the head. Flair pops right up and spins around the celebrating Rey - Rey pastes him with a machismo slap that takes Flair to the canvas. Throwing elbows with reckless abandon now. FLAIR FLOP! Flair up with a gutshot and he slides him outside. Arn advances - Rey slides under his legs and strikes with a right hand to take Arn down. Rey back in - dropkick! Another standing dropkick - back outside - springboard Thesz press - 1, 2, no! Flair goes outside to take a powder, Mysterio follows behind. Flair lays in wait where Mysterio can see him so after he ducks Flair, he runs SMACK into Anderson's lariat. Rey rolled in by Arn. Chop (woooo!), blatant right hand - referee "Controversial" Charles Robinson warns him and we all know it's an act. Crowd chants "Ric Flair sucks" so loudly that the crowd volume is turned down to silent - but I thought that's the reaction you guys WANTED! Whip into a chop (woooo!), patented kneedrop. Next week, Nitro is in Toronto, if you care. I'm a GOD in Toronto, shyeah right. Flair with a chop (woooo!) that takes him down - fingers locked, 1, 2, no! Backdrop fails to work as Rey rolls over and through - to the ropes - rolling over - 1, 2, no. Flair attempts a hiptoss, reversal, arm drag takeover, cradle by Rey, 1, 2, NO! Flair is up and stomping with impugnity now. He's a little angry, you see. Rather blatant low blow as the crowd chants "Rey Rey Rey Rey Rey" and so forth. Half hour vertical suplex by Flair. 1, 2, no! Off the ropes, elbowdrop. 1, 2, kickout! Flair returns to the closed fist, rights aplenty. Whip off the ropes, Rey's head hits the top rope HARD and he collapses. Flair picks him up and tries the spot again, whipping him off the other side, Rey slides under, between the legs, kick to the gut, again, two shots to the back of the head. Outside on the apron, he springs off the top rope - gourdbuster is NASTY as Rey's knee is under Flair's head at the time (probably unintended). Rey with the spinning heel kick, it's ducked. Dropkick is NOT ducked. Off the ropes, Rey with the spinning heel kick that DOES kick. Rey puts up a boot on the charging Rey - Flair on the top turnbuckle - Rey with the dropkick in the gonads - Flair's losing his balance - Rey's up on the top turnbuckle - FRANKENSTEINER! ONE, TWO, THR- Arn pulls Robinson out of the ring and he calls for the bell (DQ? 7:36) I put the question mark in there because Robinson raises Flair's arm - that makes no sense to me, but...ah whatever. Rey dropkicks Flair on the outside, Flair backs up - whoa - whoa, and he goes OVER THE RAIL AND INTO THE POOL! THE STREAK CONTINUES! NOW I can go home happy!

Last week's show was better, but this week's was still okay. The first hour of crap has absolutely no reason to exist, though. They seem to be going out of their way to prove that. "Hey Chris," people write. "If you ignore the first hour, Nitro's a damn good show!" Yeah, but I CAN'T ignore the first hour. Don't you see? It's part of the damn show! It's ONE THIRD of the show! It's equivalent to saying "Hey Chris, if you JUST IGNORE all the stuff you don't like, then there's only stuff you like left!" Well, DUH. Life would be WONDERFUL if it went like that. But it ain't, and I can't. So there. See you next week! OH CANADA / SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING...