Let's open this week's TV-PG-DV show in BLACK-N-WHITE-GRAIN-O-VISION - David and Sam sit in front of a ... fire?

There's a '99 Beetle! Join the Battle for the Beetle Sweepstakes by logging onto wcw.com or sending a postcard to some address that doesn't appear on the screen. Beetle Adventure Racing can ONLY be played on the N64! Oh, THERE'S the address! Did you think this was a show?

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and thelivinglegend Larry Zbyszko. "Tonight at 9 o'clock Eastern time, Nitro takes the air!" Well WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS THIS SHOW AT 8 O'CLOCK IF IT IS NOT NITRO? And why am I bothering to recap it? The "We want Bret" chant is even louder than the "Larry" chant, aww yeah. Tonight, Hart and Goldberg go for five minutes. I think - I wasn't listening. This isn't Nitro, you see.

Let Us Take You Back to last week's Nitro where Hart (correctly) points out that Goldberg's only had handpicked opposition and he'd not only lose to himself, but he could beat him in five minutes.

Beetle Adventure Racing and WCW present AN AD! Of course, I'm not gonna turn down a free Beetle, so I'LL enter, for sure.

Goldberg and Diamond Dallas Page WCW Superstar Video Series ad

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro (BUT THIS HOUR ISN'T NITRO!) is brought to you by Wendy's classic hamburgers!

Mortal Kombat is NEXT! Or actually, after Nitro. 'cause this hour ISN'T Nitro.

You know, I'd think they'd WANT to include this hour as Nitro, 'cause it's the only way the ratings look close. Oh well, here's Konnan's Music Video #2! Moooooore bounce...moooore boooounce...much more booooouuuuunce. Wah wah waaaaah wah danketadankadankdanketadankdanka fast forward

I HATE KONNAN is out - Tony says you "can't see enough of that video" and Larry says "I've seen it enough" and I hate to agree with Larry about ANYTHING. Konnan and Disco Inferno will fight at Spring Stampede, 'cause once is NEVER enough. "Yo it's been a while...strawberry...bout it...--" VINCENZO interrupts him with some crap about the NWO, the black'n'white and him being the boss, and suddenly a match breaks out, I guess.

I HATE KONNAN v. VINCENZO - Konnan is all over him and then he shakes his pants because his balls are so big, or something. There's a bulldog. No! Keep your shirt on! Vince gets lucky pulling the top rope and Konnan spills to the outside. I'd actually give you more real play by play here, but honestly, this isn't Nitro, so why bother? Plus it's Konnan and Vincent and give me a break. Referee "Blind" Scott Dickinson doesn't look too disgruntled, but reffing this kind of match should be EXACTLY the type of thing to disgruntle you. You know it's bad when *Larry* is the only guy attempting to call moves in this match. I bet this match goes ten minutes just to annoy me, too. Sign in crowd "I GET IT." Well why are you in the front row of Nitro, then? Eh. Crowd is booing - oh, it's STEVIE RAY! What's the over/under on when he says "sad sack" tonight? Vince spends too much time looking at Stevie Ray and Konnan takes command, there's the Tequila Sunrise, PLEASE play that song one more time. (submission 5:36) The sad thing is THIS piece of crap was longer than the LONGEST match over on the other channel. I mean, I *guess* that's sad. Oh, I don't know. Tonight's gonna be hell.

Mike Tenay shills the WCW hotline

Another Battle for the Beetle sweepstakes promo

Hollywood and Sam talk about David thinking of Hollywood as a father figure. Is Hogan a face here? I'm so confused. Sam asks Hogan if he could beat Nash - Hogan whispers something to Sam which must mean it's not G-rated or something. I don't know. This isn't Nitro, is it? In stunning black-n-white-grain-o-vision!

WCW Monday Jericho T-shirt ad - the countdown is at FOUR months! Get it soon! This ad is so old you can compare his lack of goatee here with that insane thing he's got on his chin today...

Bruise Cruise ad. See the Nitro Girls, Buff Bagwell, Sting, Diamond Dallas Page, and Disco Inferno! And a special autograph signing with Goldberg! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

GENE O. works tonight! And it's a little early to hear from YOU KNOW WHO, but here he comes to the Wolfpack theme. Larry is the only one not blatantly sucking up to Hogan tonight - what kind of bizarro universe are we IN around here. Oh, the one that says this ISN'T Nitro. Everybody dances around the fact that Hogan and Warrior I was fought here because it involves, 1) the Warrior and 2) the WWF. The crowd CHEERS when Hogan says "Well ya know something Mean Gene" and all I can do is sit here in stunned disbelief. Hogan says he beat Flair and where's his stinkin' belt. The word "hell" is (almost) muted out tonight. Hogan says he's gonna beat up Ric Flair tonight, but it takes him a couple hundred words to do it. Did Hogan just make a hypocritical reference to Flair's "bleach blonde hair?" The crowd chants "Hogan," ignoring the "4 life" and "2 sweet" singalongs. We sweep the rafters as Tony mentions that somebody in customs mentioned seeing Sting passing through...

WCW comes LIVE to Baltimore, Richmond for THUNDER!, Fairfax this week! Onsales for Norfolk and Charlotte for Nitro also!

60 seconds with Goldberg - or about seven in fast forward

The Treacherous Three talk about Sting and I probably imagine hearing a "Larry sucks" chant from the Toronto crowd. Somehow we segue to a very special interview Mike Tenay recently had with Diamond Dallas Page (who?) - stay tuned for the highlight package! Oh, wait, it's now! Crowd chants "We want Bret!"

Just because we probably HAVE forgotten, here's the "Steiner stalks Kimberly, then destroys Page" video package.

Mike Tenay sits down with Diamond Dallas Page. Kimberly's doing fine. Doc West said he had a herniated L4 disc, causing occasional paralysis, but he's rehabbed and he feels pretty good now. Page says Tenay doesn't need to make excuses for him - next time it'll be different. Tenay asks about that thirty day stipulation that seemed to fall on the floor - Page says he never agreed to that stipulation so drop it already. I'm getting dizzy from all these camera cuts. Page says the "People's Champion" monitor is a bunch of hype. When he comes back, it won't be a bull in a china shop - he'll be picking his spots. "I'm gonna get to ya, and I'm gonna get to you ... my way." Is he turning too? Might as well, it would MAKE NO SENSE.

WRATH ATH v. KENNY KAOS (no entrance) - If Wrath returns to Nitro, can that mean he finally signed a contract extension? Well, let's see if he wins tonight. Kaos given the jobber treatment, so you'd THINK...hey, whatever happened to Robbie Rage anyway? Or should I care? Word on the street is I'm not watching Nitro right now. I can only WISH I wasn't really watching Nitro right now. I guess I should add that THIS match has ZERO commercial interruptions - let's see if they can manage that during a match I'm interested in. Again Tony reminds me that Nitro doesn't start until 9. (Meltdown -> pin 8:49)

Mike Tenay shills the WCW hotline

Nash and Sam talk about Hogan beating Nash in an AWKWARD acting moment - I suppose there's some sort of wedge developing between Nash and Hogan with Sam stirring the put but who knows why. In black-n-white-grain-o-vision!

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Smash'n'slam action figures! Slim Jim! America (ha) Online! Croissant Pockets! Judge Wapner for Singer Asset Finance! Boy, I hope these companies realise they're paying for promotional consideration for a show that IS NOT NITRO! Of course, there's the Nitro logo...hmmm...

THUNDER! ad features some guy named "Blitzer"

Monday Jericho T-shirt ad #2 - clear out the stock!

Closed captioning sponsored by Western Union!

Gene O. says "hangin' from the rafters" and brings out THE MAN to straddle the non-Nitro and Nitro hours. Crowd boos because they suck - Tony makes fun of "hangin' from the rafters" and if he's gonna steal MY stuff I might as well quit right now. Flair wastes no time dissin' some Canadian guy I never heard of and don't want you to write me and tell me who it is because I don't care. Flair runs down Canada until he's roundly booed and established as the heel. Sigh. Flair announces a surprise for the wrestling fans tonight. Crowd chants "asshole" as if he were Vince - sounds guys work very hard to turn down the crowd leaving an eerie silence. Flair says he'd like to welcome out, to make a very special presentation to the President, DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE. My spider sense is tingling...somehow Page puts Steiner over as a face while putting himself over as a heel. "Jack offs" gets muted from Page. Flair says tonight, he's booking Page vs. Hogan because he's tired of Hogan shooting his mouth off about Flair, and Page shooting HIS mouth off about Steiner. YOU KNOW WHO comes out and says "rear end" instead of "ass," then leaves. Flair says he'll act as Page's manager tonight to ensure a Page victory tonight. Randomly, we fade to a shot of (THIS IS) STING up in the rafters, wearing white facepaint. Flair says "dammit" and the censor *just* misses it.

What just happened here? Let me get out my scorecard. Hogan is a face, check. Steiner is a (de facto) face. Page is a heel. Flair's a feel. Nash is ... hmmm. Hall's gone. Hart's ... later, I guess. Goldberg... and now Sting is... and apparently it DOES NOT MATTER that any of this is happening because THIS part of the show is NOT NITRO. I...

(70 - or 10 minutes after) Opening credits

FIREWORKS welcome you to the Air Canada Center in Toronto, Ontario, Canada! We're LIVE 29.3.99 for Monday Nitro! Tonight, Page vs. Hogan! Sting is in the building! Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! Hey, Whisper's missing...you don't think that Shawn Michaels rumour ain't a rumour?

The Treacherous Three talk about stuff we've seen earlier

BIG SCOTT NORTON v. RICK STEINER - Lockup, to the corner, referee "Blind" Randy Anderson works to break them apart but nothing doing. Norton with the clubbing blows. Back elbow. Head to the opposite turnbuckle, Steiner absorbs it and punches away. Off the ropes, they meet in the centre and no one moves. Steiner off the ropes, clothesline ducked, Steiner HITS a Steinerline, then another to take Norton outside. Norton mumbles "sonofa(mute)" where the camera and censor can hear it. Norton back in but Steiner hits him on the way in. To the corner, Norton runs into a boot. Ten Punch Count Along stops at Six. Atomic drop counter, then Norton knocks him down. Did Larry call him a "rattlesnake" back then. Double chop from Norton. Choke on the top rope, then whips him back. Knife-edge chop (woooo!) Off the ropes, Steiner ducks a clothesline and tosses him across the ring, Norton rolls out. Let's take an ad break because Wrath and Kaos get nine uniterrupted minutes but we can't bother with, you know, a COMPETITIVE match!

When we come back, Norton's down and Steiner is too. Steiner misses an elbowdrop. Norton kicks the knee. Tombstone - no, I guess a flapjack - crowd boos, they're right. Steiner ducks a clothesline and hits a belly-to-back suplex (wow!) Norton fires back with a clothesline. Norton up first. He's gonna go for the powerbomb now. Steiner back bodydrops him instead. Norton to the eyes and Steiner falls out of the ring. Norton following him outside, then takes him to the STEEL post. Steiner tries taking Steiner to the post but Steiner slips through and takes NORTON to the post. To the post again, again, again. Back in the ring. Top rope bulldog. 1, 2, 3! (7:11 - free Slurpees!) Fast count if you ask me. Castrol GTX supplies sponsorship for the replay. THIS REPLAY DRIVES HARD!

Backstage, Rey Mysterio asks Kidman to be his partner in a tag team champion match, as the Horsemen have laid out the open challenge, and Konnan's too exhausted from his bout with Vincent (I guess). Kidman balks, remembering his bad experiences with Chavo. Never mind that they'll fight each other at Spring Stampede, says Rey, they KNOW each other so well they'll have no problem scoring the titles! Kidman, missing the gold (the chicks dig it), gives the okay.

WCW Spring Stampede is 11 April!

GENTLEMAN CHRIS ADAMS ("I'm not afraid of my gut!") v. BOOKER T. for the World Television title - instead of finding Heenan, Zbyszko is still in the seat. By my watch, he's still on duty anyway. "Speaking of raising the roof, how about Sting?" WHAT? Lockup, to the corner, clean break. Schiavone tries to make fun of the hotline but it's too late for you, buddy. Larry: "I'm trying to talk about the matches but pay no mind to me." I'd say it's too late for Larry, too, but I'm kinda amused by this. At least he's managed to avoid mentioning Dusty Rhodes all night. Headlock, power out, off the ropes, shoulderblock from Mr T. Everybody back up, lockup, side headlock from Adams, to the ropes, off the ropes, T. goes down, dueling hiptoss attempts and Adams hits! Booker T. is amused. So am I! I'd like to see Adams win but I'm not expecting he has a chance in hell. Lockup again, Booker T. goes behind with a waistlock takedown. Now a nice bit of mat wrestling here. Hammerlock from Adams, reversed into a wristlock by Booker T. Adams elbows out. Off the ropes, shoulderblock, off the orpes again goes Adams - over, under, dropkick from Booker T. Hiptoss and Adams is a little disgusted. 'THIS SIGN IS "G" RATED' Adams offers the hand of friendship and they actually shake! Tony bemoans that the fans boo the handshake. Larry says he should have kicked him in the ribs. Dueling headlocks takes them to the corner - clean break averted when Adams kicks and punches away. He's the first one to eschew sportsmanship, you see. Head to the turnbuckle. Whip into the opposite turnbuckle is reversed, clothesline coming out. Picks him up, gut shot, off the ropes, axe kick is BRUTAL, taking Adams unintentionally on the way up as well as intentionally on the way down. Adams kicks out at 2 somehow. Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson hasn't done anything controversial yet. Martial arts kick from Booker T. Adams manages to toss Booker T. through the ropes to the outside. Dueling whips to the barricade and Adams hits it. Booker T. runs into the SUPERKICK! But unfortunately Adams can't win on the outside (or at all for that matter). Booker T. taken to the barricade, and again. This Canadian crowd should be BEHIND the Brit against the 'Murican, right? T. rolled back in and Adams stays on him. Off the ropes, reversal, head down, double sledge from Adams. POWERBOMB! 1, 2, kickout! I will forgive Nitro EVERYTHING that's happened and everything to come tonight if they only give me a Chris Adams title win. Adams rides him to the mat, punches him in the back of the head. Up we go - belly-to-back suplex by Adams. Cover - 1, 2, weak kickout. Both men up - Booker T. holds on, arm wringer, kick, kick, Adams is down. They're trading European forearms Booker T. with a whip - caught him - spinebuster! T. picks him up whip, flapjack, breakdance, Harlem side kick, to the top rope, c'mon Adams! Missile dropkick, sigh. 1, 2, 3. (7:24) Don't get me wrong, I like Booker T. too but Adams might have won me back to his side for a while.

"Battle for the Beetle" sweepstakes promo sounds like a Dr. Seuss concoction

Bobby Heenan is out and hey look! It's the Nitro Girls! Again, we're down to six with no Kimberly and ... no Whisper?

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Cinn*A*Burst gum with Flavour Crystals!

Let Us Take You Back to Monday Nitro last week where Rey Mysterio believed he was a bus and gave Kidman another title shot at Spring Stampede. There's your Riki Rachtman sighting for the week (let's hope that's the only one).

LIGHTNINGFOOT JERRY FLYNN v. CANADA'S OWN CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO - Schiavone apparently missed that entire clip as he tries to intro it again. You don't suppose they'll - oh, I don't have a good feeling aboot THIS. Jericho gets a singalong on "Monday Night Jericho" then sucks up to the crowd saying "Chris Jericho is 100% Canadian!" Heenan: "What's that mean with the exchange?" Tenay: "About 85%." That's TOO funny even to me. "You know, I spent my childhood in Canada [pop] - I grew up in Canada [pop] - I became everything that I am today in Canada [pop] - but now I live in the United States [boo] - but, as I was walking down the streets of Toronto today [pop] - looking at the blue skies and saying Hi to all of the Torontonians, one thought popped in my head - Man I'm glad I moved to the States because Canada sucks!" Wow, you've never SEEN a crowd turn that fast. Nor the commentary team. Flynn attacks before the bell and offcamera. Crowd STILL can't get up for the mighty kicks of the mighty Lightningfoot Jerry Flynn. Jericho fires back with some punches and a spin thrust kick. Flynn comes back with the shortcut and now choking away. Nice spinning heel kick from Jericho. Crowd can't help but love him. Blatant chokehold with the T-shirt. "We want Bret" chant. Flynn kicks, Jericho kicks. Vertical suplex from Jericho. Arrogant cover(tm) for 2. To the rear chinlock. Later tonight, Hart SPEAKS! Chop (woooo!) from Jericho, off the ropes, Flynn holds on and Jericho finds the mat. I thought that was supposed to be a catapult, but nothing doing from Jericho, so Flynn steps into a half crab instead. Jericho grabs the rope. Off the ropes, another flubbed spot. Who's calling this match? Jericho with a fishermanplex and a Lionsault. 1, 2, no. Jericho to the top rope, Flynn to the kick to crotch him. Jericho on the second rope - ten punch count along doesn't go two before Jericho hits an eyepoke and shoves him to the mat. Coming off the second rope, Jericho gets kicked again. Flynn with a chop that takes him to the mat (woooo!). Flynn off the ropes, roundhouse kick ducked, Jericho tries for the Liontamer - Flynn rolls him over for 2. Powerbomb attempt - Jericho keeps his momentum, up and over, rollup - they're tangled in the ropes - Jericho pushes him away and kicks him in the head. These guys REALLY don't appear to be getting along. Whip is reversed, Jericho puts up a boot as Flynn charges in - covers, feet on the ropes. 1, 2, 3. Referee "Blind" Johnny Boone misses it, so there's a tainted victory for Jericho in his home country. (4:35)

Gene O. & SPICE hang out (not literally - well, not enough for Spice) near the Beetle Battle Beetle. Spice says it's "sporty, fun, fast, peppy and SPICEY" - just like a certain Nitro Girl I'd like to get in with.

This time when the camera pans the crowd, it just HAPPENS to alight on a "Wrestling with Shadows" promotional poster. Humm. Hey, look at that picture of Vince McMahon in that poster!

BRET CLARKE will straddle the two competitive hours - he's wearing a Calgary Hitmen jersey, which can only mean they haven't been eliminated from the playoffs yet. Rightly so, Hart receives a massive welcome that he rightly deserves, no matter how much he seems to be whining to us biased 'muricans. Ovation is defeaning and sustained - I'm proud to be a wrestling fan right now. "You know, it's nice to be in a place where you get a little respect. It's nice to go to a place where you see some kids in the audience, too. You sit back there all night and you sit back and you listen to everybody, and I know everybody's all up in a big fff- - you know everyone's all upset about the ratings and stuff, I'm not gonna worry about very much tonight - I think I'm gonna start off with a little bit of "O Canada." "Our home and native land / True patriot love / In all they sons command / with glowing hearts we see thee rise / in the true North strong and free / From far and wide, O Canada / We stand on guard for thee." Hey Bischoff, put THAT in your pipe and smoke it! You know I've been in the WCW for over a year. FIVE TIME World champion [pop] the best there is, the best there was, and the best that there ever will be [singalong] and I can't get a match with anybody. You got Ric Flair, the world Champion, back there hiding under a table somewhere. You got Hollywood Hogan - I guess he's afraid of me. But you know, I'm gonna get right to the point. I came to the WCW to earn a reputation, not to lose it, and I got one point I wanna make. I wanna prove that I can excellent execute any wrestler I want, any TIME I want - so let's cut to the chase. The Franchise player - William Goldberg. Ya big chicken! He thinks 'cause he's built like a tank that he can run over the top of me - well I'm not goin' anywhere Bill Goldberg 'til you come out of that dressing room, bitin' your fingernails, trembling with fear, 'cause you could take me on RIGHT here tonight in Toronto, Canada! He's puttin' up all this money to take on Steve Austin - well let me tell ya something, *I* beat Steve Austin every time I ever fought him! He likes to fancy himself some kind of fancy tough football player. Well I got news for ya, Bill Goldberg - " and he removes his Hitmen jersey to reveal a Toronto Leafs jersey to another HUGE pop " - this is hockey country, Bill Goldberg! Put away your silly helmet and come out here and FIGHT me!" The music starts, the fans chant "Goldberg" but not in an endearing way... COLD BEER stride to the ring with purpose. The chant seems to stop immediately. Hmmm. There's a SPEAR! And now NEITHER man is moving. It'd be wrong of me to say they look really gay laying there, but...crowd is nuts. "Bret" chant fires up but he still ain't moving. Hart lifts his head - rolls over. Cover. Hart counts himself. 1, 2, 3. Hart stands and removes his Leafs jersey - and there's a STEEL plate attached to his abdomen. Hart is the COOLEST sumbitch on Earth. DOUG DILLINGER is out to tend to Goldberg. "You can go ahead and respect that. Hey Bischoff - and the WCW - I QUIT." And he walks off, having a few words with J.J. DILLON in the process - five fingers for the camera and for Dillon, and as we fade to black - was that CRACKA EAZY-E coming into the frame JUST as we went out?

Now THAT was cool.

Why can't it ALWAYS be like that?

Nash sucks.
Hogan sucks.
Page sucks.

Hart does not suck.

Let us Take You Back to Moments Ago - there's the spear, there's Hart counting three, there's the steel plate. Replay shows that that WAS Eric Bischoff during the break. The sad part is that you can't follow up on this because Hart will be taking time off, and for the purposes of the story, he'll have quit. What do you do with it? Sigh.

And in case anyone wonders if that was a shoot, let me remind you that you saw it on TV, in which case you should NEVER even have to ask it. It's a work. A DAMN good work. I think only Pete Rose could have made that more exciting to watch - hear me WWF? That segment made me shout louder than just about ANYTHING on WrestleMania last night. That can't be good. WCW, as they are wont to do, gives the most painful, bottom-of-the-barrel scraping lows a fan can (sometimes not even) sit through - and then they can give you hot shit like this within the same hour. The sad thing is there are precious few who can slog through the turds in real time just to feel the highs. That's why RAW is winning the ratings - a consistently higher level of the "stuff I will sit through" quotient. But you still have to watch both shows. You HAVE to. Just skip the "not Nitro" hour, for the love of God.

Where was I?

Special video look at Buff and Scott - the divorce

BUFF BAGWELL v. THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC, NORMAN SMILEY (yellow) - Buff has some new, incredibly annoying music. Tony repeatedly calls the Hart situation "a Stunner," probably on purpose. "Needless to say, to Toronto, Big Poppa Pump and Buff Daddy are no more. So what I'm trying to say, from now on - choose who you wish but remember, I love you, just as much as you love me. 'Cause I'm Buff, and I'm the stuff." Hey, I bet it's all a big swerve! Oh, sorry. I miss Smiley saying "'oo iz yore dad-dee?" Lockup, armdrag by Buff, posedown time. Lockup, knee from Bagwell, hiptoss, time for another pose. THIS IS ACTION! Bagwell does pushups. Bagwell makes the heretofore unspoken Warren Moon comparison and lets the genie out of the bottle. Lockup, to the corner, Smiley prevents a clean break, throwing elbows, punching, slapping, through the ropes to the outside. Smiley must be dancing because we're only looking at Bagwell. Bagwell punching away with fury, backdrop, clothesline over the top rope to the floor. Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson isn't too controversial here. Smiley back in the ring now. Lockup, kick to the back of the leg by Smiley. Headshot, off the ropes, back and forth, leapfrog, Smiley down low, Bagwell stepping on the head. Atomic drop. Scoop and a slam. Off the ropes, splash meets the knees. Smiley with a straight right, whip into the opposite corner, swoop slam. It's not time for the dance, apparently. Headbutt from Smiley. European forearm. Kick to the knee. Headbutt. Vertical suplex here. 1, 2, Bagwell kicks out. Smiley with a Bagwell-esque pose. Bagwell sneaks up and rolls him up for 2. Smiley back up, clothesline misses, back elbow does not. Rear chinlock applied, bodyscissors added. I wish they'd SHUT UP about pronouncing Smiley's last name already. Crowd chants for Bagwell and he gets up and elbows out. Smiley takes him to the mat again. It looks like he's trying to set up - nah, I guess not. YES, IT IS! KUNZE STUMP PULLER! No, he's dropped the leg again. But staying on the neck. Bagwell tries to stand up, Smiley pounds him in the back, off the ropes we go, Smiley puts the head down - Sunset flip - Bagwell gets him down thanks to a blatant trunks pull, and only 2. Smiley pops up with an eyepoke. Clubbing blow to the small of the back. Now choking him on the second rope, leg on the neck. Smiley goes outside and punches him. Off the ropes, dropkick finds nothing. Shoulderblock from Bagwell. Scoop and a slam. Dropkick. Bagwell poses because they crowd isn't chanting loudly enough. Into the corner we go. Right from Buff. Whip into the opposite corner is reversed, boot up, though - Buff Blockbuster coming off the second rope! 1, 2, 3! (7:30)

Because we still owe them some paid spots, let's take time out to mention that this portion of WCW Monday Nitro is sponsored by CINN*A*BURST! CHEW CHEW CHEW CHEW CHEW

The Awesome 3 discuss the tag team title matchup to come.

CANADIAN CHRIS BENOIT & DEAN MALENKO v. REY NO LONGER A MYSTERIO, JR. & (billy) KIDMAN (with Konnan's "Psycho" as tonight's theme - sigh) for the tag team Championship - This match SHOULD rock the free world, but we'll see. Benoit and Kidman start. Kind of a dream matchup right there, actually. Lockup, chop from Benoit (woooo!) takes him to th emat. Off the ropes, HIGH back bodydrop. Backbreaker for 2. Whip into the corner, hard, by Benoit. Stomping on the back. Another chop (woooo!) and Kidman slumps to the ropes. Head to the turnbuckle. Chop (woooo!), kick to the head. Whip off the ropes, hiptoss attempt is reversed, counter, flip, standing switch, to the back of the head by Benoit. Kidman counters. "Short powerbomb" by Kidman for 2. Both men tag out. Shoulderblock by Malenko and Mysterio bounces to the corner. Snapmare by Malenko into a chinlock. Head to the turnbuckle, tag to Benoit. Double kicks. TV-PG-V box pops up to confuse me at the 2:29 part of the three hours. Benoit off the ropes, shoulderblock takes him down. Benoit over Mysterio, stops, turns around and chops him (woooo!), again (woooo!), off the ropes, Rey slides through and hits a right, and another. Springboard off the ropes, landing on the shoulders, 180, Frankensteiner! Leg lariat for Malenko. Back to Benoit - up and ready for another rana, but Malenko is on the top rope - clothesline into powerbomb. Malenko in the middle of the ring. Tejas Cloverleaf - no, Rey kicks it away, and makes the tag! Kidman to the top rope - plancha! Dropkick for Benoit on the apron. Malenko with a gutshot and a powerbomb - but you CAN'T powerbomb Kidman - counter into a faceslam - 1, 2, Benoit breaks it up.Rey in now. Tornado bulldog by Kidman as Rey and Benoit brawl. Benoit and Rey over the top rope to the outside as Rey hits another rana. Malenko with a fireman's carry into a TOP ROPE GUTBUSTER - 1, 2, Rey manages to save. This match isn't Wrath/Kaos, though, so we better take an ad break as Kidman is laid out on the top rope.

When we come back, Benoit is taking it to Kidman. Double Okieblow. Kidman punches back, Benoit punches again. Whip into the corner, pushing him into the corner again, tag to Malenko. Half hour suplex. 1, 2, kickout. Malenko with a shot to Mysterio as he pops up. Back to Kidman - Belly-to-back suplex - 1, 2, no. Malenko whips him off the rope - sunset flip by Kidman, 2 count for Kidman. Lariat by Malenko takes him back down. Tag to Benoit. Double whip, double press and they let him drop to the mat. 2 count for Benoit. Gutbuster from Benoit. Irish whip off the ropes, kick to the gut. Kidman hangs on the second rope, Benoit picks him up and drops him on the top rope - Kidman bounces to the mat. Benoit throws him out to Malenko, who take the small of his back to the apron, then whips him into the barricade, rolls him back in and I guess referee "Blind" Billy Silverman missed all that. Benoit tags Malenko - double whip, double - Kidman counters with a dropkick to both men! Tag to Mysterio! He's a HOUSE ON FIRE! All four men in now. Benoit with Rey - powerbomb countered into a huracanrana. Malenko whips Kidman into Rey, who boosts him into a pescado on Benoit on the outside. Malenko with a snappy tilt-a-whril backbreaker but Silverman is trying to get Benoit and Kidman separated on the outside. Malenko picks up Mysterio for another move - picks him up for - I don't know - Rey with the stun gun. For no apparent reason, RAVEN & SENSATIONAL PERRY SATURN are ambling to ringside. Rey to the top rope - huracanrana blocked - Tejas cloverleaf is on! - but Raven is in and there's the Evenflow DDT on Malenko!! Mysterio and Malenko both out. Mysterio manages a cover. 1, 2, 3!!!!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have new tag team champions of the world. (12:23) I may not like the result, but it's definitely MATCH OF THE NIGHT. vato vato vato vato believe I'm a bus vato vato vato

Clips from WCW Spring Break Out with lots of bikini'd babes saying "Bite the burst!" because it's all about the CINN*A*BURST, baby!

Promotional consideration paid for by Bashin' Brawlers ("Yousmashedmy - HEAD!"), David sunflower seeds, LA Looks hair stuff, Blimpie subs & salads, and Compu$erve 2000, AND "Mighty Joe Young" - a movie for the whole

Hey, look! It's the Nitro Girls!

"Battle for the Beetle" sweepstakes hype, one more time

That WAS the whole segment, in fact

THIS portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by 1-800-COLLECT - call someone who cares!

MICHAEL BUFFER is let across the border? Canada's more permissive than I thought! Buffer proclaims this match a "clash of Titans," even though Harry Hamlin isn't involved. Even though Diamond Dallas Page has never worked in the WWF. Even though...no, that's all I got. Let's get ready to (tm)! Hogan STILL gets no chyron love. What's up with THAT. Anybody else notice we haven't seen Booker Nash all night? You know, Page might be a heel but if it keeps him from sucking up by walking through the crowd, I guess I could warm up to it.

YOU KNOW WHO v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (with The Man) - your referee is Senior Official Mickey Jay. Crowd is chanting "Hogan" and I'm getting racist towards Canada, I tell ya. Shoves traded. More jawing going on. Now they're trading punches - to the corner - Hogan with knees, whip into the opposite corner, Hogan with a lariat. Hogan with a chop (woooo!), on him fast and furious, punch, rake of the face, powered off the ropes, another clothesline, to the chinlock, punching added. page pops up and tackles him - drives into the corner, now punching away, kneelifts, Hogan with an eyepoke, face rake, whip off the ropes, follow lariat takes Page outside the ring. This isn't Wrath/Kaos! Let's take an ad break!

An AD BREAK IN THE FINAL QUARTER HOUR? I don't think this is THAT big of a draw...is it?

When we come back, the commentators have deserted their post, as Hogan and Page and manhandling each other on their set! Hogan against the scaffolding. Page stomping with impugnity. He said something but I know not what - making their way to the giant WCW logo - Hogan's head into a W! To the opposite side and an opposite W! Hogan comes back and now PAGE into the logo, compeltely tipping the giant metal WCW over! Trying to take out the other, it stays up, SOMEHOW. Brawling back towards the ring, back and forth, barricade to barricade. Hogan reverses a whip into the STEEL steps and Page hits it with his back. Head to the barricade. Back in the ring! Hogan's got his belt - whip! Whip! Whip! What action! Choke with the belt. Page with a kick to a sensitive area to gain control of the action - and the belt! Whip! Whip! Hogan rolls to the outside, where I suddently remember Flair is still out there. Flair with a blatant choke as Page comes outside - right hand to Flair! Now on Hogan, Page doesn't get a shot as he absorbs a kick and now belt shots. Hogan puts his belt back on. Page rolled into the ring, Hogan follows. Kicking a field goal - head to the buckle - HOgan takes him off the ropes - Page puts a foot up - catches it, spins him around, clothesline from Page (called an "enziguiri" by Schiavone - HA!) takes Hogan down - 1, 2, no. Page opening every orifice in Hogan's face. Head to the buckle, twice. Swinging neckbreaker from Page. 1, 2, no. Page whips Hogan across the ring, Hogan reverses, there's a clothesline. Right hand from Hogan. Abdominal stretch - FROM HOGAN? Hogan knows a wrestling hold? Flair is up on the apron - Hogan sees him and breaks the hold to go after him - doesn't get him though. Page with a low blow, uppercut to the throat - suplex for 2. Front facelock to the corner - Page with back elbows, again, again. Hogan to the face to regain the momentum. Vertical suplex from Hogan. Elbowdrop - lightning elbowdrop - another elbowdrop - 1, 2, Page kicks out. Arm wringer, Hogan steps over - into an arm bar! Page always makes Hogan bust out some moves we're shocked to see he knows, you know. Inside cradle from Hogan for 2 - Page rolls it the other way for 2. Page to the eyes. Off the ropes, clothesline down. 1, 2, no. Page stands on the neck. Flair gets in a choke on his own but Page tries to kick him away. He don't want his help, see. Whip out, Hogan reverses, Jay gets squashed. Hogan follows with a clothesline. Hogan with the three punches, the whip, the big boot, off the ropes, but the legdrop of doom MISSES as referee "BLIND" CHARLES ROBINSON makes his way in. Page ducks a clothesline and hits one of his own - but Hogan pops back up and he's doing the jackhammer mime. Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine, three punches, Flair is in with a chair - Robinson has something in his eye and has to turn away from the action, ha - Flair advances, Hogan turns it around and Flair ends up chairing Page. Flair attacks Hogan but Hogan just absorbs everything, jackhammer miming. Hogan with the punches to Flair - big boot takes Flair outside. Legdrop of doom on Page! Robinson asks Flair if he should count - Hogan grabs Robinson - down with one windmill punch. Cover, Jay is up to count - 1, 2, 3. (12:50) Hogan has words for Flair to the camera.

Why did the first hour suck so much? Because it was NOT NITRO!

8 matches, 66:17 bell-to-bell for those of you keeping score at home. I still think the moment of the week was Hart's segment, though. Is it okay for me to like a nonmatch the best? Is it okay for me to like a Bret Hart moment the best? I think I just pissed off Herb Kunze AND Sean Shannon. ONLY *I* can do that! Yeah!

Next week: my one year anniversary with WrestleManiacs. SO WHAT? SO THERE!