Several people asked me to quote myself from a year ago: [Kevin Nash] promises that WHEN he wins the belt, he *ain't* givin' it to Hogan. Oops.

Poor Sting! Someone left him out in the rain and now he's getting all wet! Good thing he's got that trenchcoat! I hope he takes that baseball bat and hits the person who left him out in the cold!

World Championship Wrestling - Our Logo is NOT the Star of David, dammit!

This new opening is rated TV-PG-DV and closed captioned! Hey, only six Nitro Girls- hmm...

Goldberg WALKS through the building carrying the lottery hopper! It's a BRAND NEW EXCITING ... WALKING!

Get ready for the millenium! It's happened again! In honor of my one year anniversary with WrestleManiacs, Nitro revamps it's set, jungles up it's theme, and lets the FIREWORKS fly!

The Awesome 3 are no more - your hosts are Tony Skeeavone and Bobby Heenan. WE ARE LIVE from the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Lost Wages, NV 5.4.99 for WCW MONDAY NITRO! YES, NITRO AGAIN BEGINS AT EIGHT, BABY!

Tonight - two semi's in the US Title Tourney - Jericho, Steiner, Booker T. and Meng

GENE O. made the cut and works tonight! He wastes no time saying "crap tables" to show how edgy he is. Here's COLD BEER come down to the ringside to protest WCW's new Star of David logo! Actually, he's still carrying the (TL) hopper and Okerlund wants to know what's up with that. "You know Gene...ever since that fateful day that I lost my belt, you know it, I know it, and all these people know it - that I've been on the receiving end of that whole (mute). I was conveniently left on last month's pay-per-view, and if it was up to Flair, he'd leave me off this one too. But tonight, I take matters into my own hands. As of tonight, you can call it the Goldberg lottery. And everybody's name's in it - including yours, President Flair. So as of right now, the name that I pull out of this hopper is the next victim - at the next pay-per-view." Jesus, they're not going to ANY lengths to hide their booking style, are they? There's a howl and there's BIG POOCHIE come out to join the festivities. "Before you think about spearing me there, Billy Boy, you don't know what I got underneath this hockey jersey!" Har har, Nash is wearing a Red Wings jersey. Nash reminds the crowd that HE'S the one that stopped his streak (what, is he a heel tonight?) Goldberg says he can live in the past if he wants, but today is another day. Nash asks Goldberg to forget the lottery and take HIM on at Spring Stampede. Goldberg says "the way I see that, Merry Christmas Goldberg!" Huh?

In the President's office, Flair and Anderson watch TV. Flair sends Arn out to take care of ... huh? Well, I'm sure it'll get shoved down my throat later if I don't get it now.

The NEW WCW Nitro - IT'S ALL ACTION, BABY!

"Chriiiiiiiiis....you're not being faaaaaaaaair!!!" Oh sorry. I'll give them one more quarter hour to put some damn wrestling on - otherwise they're still trying to outRAW RAW and there's already too much RAW on Monday nights...

Goldberg and DDP video ad

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Valvoline - WITH A BLAST OF BUTTER!

Hey, look - it's the Nitro Girls! There are FOURTEEN TV sets in the new WCW logo up there (which is not a Star of David). In honor of the new logo, the Girls - ummm - dance.

RIKI RACHTMAN has a new ugly jacket and a new pink streak in his - ummm - hair. Then he hypes the WCW hotline. He also blows the Canada number, choosing instead to use the area code of Riverside, California. (Go Highlanders!) Oh well.

KENDELL WINDHAM v. (Hardcore) HAK (with Chastity) in a Kendo Stick match - THIS IS THE NEW MONDAY NITRO! The Blackman influence spreads - oh yes - Blackman IS professional wrestling in 1999. Chastity has the "Catholic high school girl in trouble" look which ALWAYS works. Hell, it even made BRITNEY SPEARS look attractive - that slutty whore. Oops. I guess there are WORSE matchups to give the "first ever" slot to...more newness - referee "Blind" Johnny Boone sports the new "striped shirt" duds. Windham with the stick! Windham with the stick! Windham with the stick! Windham with a spinning toe hold, and now WINDHAM WITH THE STICK! Windham with the stick! Chastity comes in - CHASTITY WITH THE STICK! Now Hak taking control - Hak with the stick! Hak with the stick! Hak ... aw shit, I'm tired of this. Choke with the stick. Tony and Bobby talk about the return of the "moody, angry" Sting with the white face paint and the hey hey hey. Sting speaks - TONIGHT! Chastity now has both sticks on the outside, because apparently this match is too boring with the sticks. Hak with a back bodydrop. Hak on the outside, procuring a stick. Windham prevents him coming back in - Rocker Dropper-like legdrop. Chop (woooo!), whip into the opposite corner, Hak goes upside down but fails to tie himself to the Tree of Woe. Whip off the ropes, Windham lariat. Windham to the outside, stalking Chastity for a kendo stick, but Hak meets him with a lariat. Rolled back in. Windham with a sneaky rollup but only 2. Clothesline from Windham, he's got a stick - Hak with a surprise rollup for 2. Stick's out of play again - Hak with a DDT. Hak's got a stick - Hak with the stick RIGHT to the forehead. Windham drops like a ton of bricks. Hak with the choke - Kendo stick side Russian leg sweep - that's all, folks. (5:08) Meng and Steiner coming up!

Let's Take a Special Video Look at Meng - "oh hohohohoho - oh hohohohoho - (unintelligible) - oh hohohohohoho" - man, Meng MUST be cool if he has a SPECIAL VIDEO PACKAGE! Still, I don't know HOW he can defeat Big Poppa Pump...

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Bashin' Brawlers ("Heygetoffmy - NOSE!"), Slim Jim, America (ha!) Online, Super Soaker CPS 2500 & 3000 (ah hell, did Super Soaker season start up again?), Croissant Pockets from Hot Pockets

Goldberg WALKS! He busts into "President Ric Flair's Office," where Flair and Anderson are chatting amiably with - Lex Luger and Liz? Goldberg asks wassup - Flair says Anderson might want to speak with him, but Goldberg's busy what-the-helling Lex' presence.

Well...one kendo stick match, no BLOOD, half hour gone by. It's Nitro!

Anderson, backstage, finds Nash, telling him that Flair needs to see him real quick. Nash is busy laughing and drinking coffee. Stay tuned for the next installment of this thrilling saga!

Let Us Take You Back to Disco Inferno doctoring Konnan's video, Konnan accusing Disco Inferno of trying to perpetrate - setting up a big match Sunday at Spring Stampede!

I HATE KONNAN v. LIZMARK, JR. (no entrance) - Konnan speaks on this, saying "strawberries," then disses David Penzer for no apparent reason. Happy birthday, Konnan - I won't make fun of your match this week! I *will* notice that Lizmark spends an awful lot of time adjusting his pants for some strange reason. Then he kinda laughs "ah ha ha!" randomly. Then he does the Robot! Then he loses. Well, after an eternity - oh sorry Konnan. (submission 5:52) This replay is the Wendy's Big Slam of the Show!

Flair's on the phone - now he's off the phone - now he's talking to Arn - now Nash enters the office - now we fade to black. Oh MAN this is some SLOW plot development.

Closed captioning made possible through the kind courtesy of Compu$erve! Get captions by logging into COMPU$ERVE! Or....

Let's Take a Special Video Look at Scott Steiner! Unfortunately, this video is accompanied with snippest of Steiner speaking.

Flair and Nash are pretty happy walking out - Nash HAPPENS to walk by Hogan, who caught the good times and wants to know why they were speaking. Nash said it was just business. Hogan mutters (to us, not to Nash) that "it better be."

What, THAT was the whole segment?

Local spot hypes Spring Stampede - SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!

In the stairwell, Nash and Charles Robinson chat about Robinson's 4FLAIR license plates - since it's been established that Flair is what Robinson's all about, see. Robinson sees Hogan enter the frame and hastily departs. Nice suit on Robinson by the way. Hogan and Nash discuss Robinson, then Hogan tells Nash he doesn't call anymore. Nash turns it into girl talk. Hogan: "Are we on the same team? ... You're not the same anymore." Nash makes faces and I guess we're supposed to start to think that just MAYBE there's some Trouble in Paradise...

Gene O. says "shank of the evening," but unfortunately, the mic doesn't work in time for us to actually hear it. Aw shucks. It's ten to RAW so it's time for THE MAN to come out as Tony notices the booing from the crowd. Flair is epitomizing styling and profiling and you keep your mouth shut fat boy. Flair tells Nash he IS Big Sexy and because he's feeling so good, he's pulling the Spring Stampede title defense and taking on Hogan TONIGHT instead (yeah, there's a money decision!) Before we get too far with this, the Wolfpack theme fires up and out rumbles YOU KNOW WHO, weight belt in hand - Flair beats a retreat and Hogan makes the crowd happy. (The crowd is full of idiots, you see.) Flair tells Hogan that if he lays a finger on him before the match, there won't BE a match. Hogan tells everybody he'll prove who's the most powerful man in wrestling, 4 life. Flair does some ranting and raving - Hogan does some talking that isn't as good, ya know. Hogan says "wolfpack in da house" 'cause he's down. Flair says this is the last time he'll ever hear the name Hogan ahead of his. Hogan says yeah, 'cause I'll never give you a title shot, neener neener. Before this is wrapped up, out comes DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE to muck up the machinery. He'd like to be part of this main event "worthy of the MGM Grand" (local suckup!) and this should be a 3-Way Dan! (I think he meant "dance.") Flair says "ass" and it isn't muted! Hogan's up for it, Flair's not. Before Flair can finish speaking *again*, COLD BEER is out. Backstage, we see Arn massage his temple in unhappiness. Goldberg says if there's a heavyweight match, "I'm in the dance." Why's everybody so keen to call this match a "dance," anyway? When Flair demurs, Goldberg grabs him by the lapels and shoves him away. Flair, incensed, tells a kid to shut up, then says he'll be happy to see all of them later. So apparently we've got a four-way "dance" in the main event slot. Don't you DARE switch to RAW, even if it IS 59 after! Hogan: "The Wolfpack - it be in da house." Oh shut up, white boy. Hogan and Goldberg have a staredown in the aisle - words are spoken but I don't hear them. We cut to Schiavone and Heenan, who talk about this to kill a little more time so you don't switch channels. Looks like no ad break - that explains the non-segment earlier...and the fact that RAW just started on the other channel.

SUPERSTAH SCOTT STEINER v. MY GUILTY PLEASURE MENG in a United States Heavyweight Championship Tourney Semifinal - Steiner makes fun of "Diamond Dallas Trash," obviously using the DDP "scum" technique of namecalling. Inexplicably, Steiner brings up the "30 days of Kimberly" clause one more time, just to confuse us. Steiner says "hooches" a couple times and then butchers "phenonemon" for good measure. He IS the Big Bad Booty Daddy. Steiner says that if Page wants revenge on him, he'll have to give up his wife for one night. Oh boy! It's an Indecent Proposal! Or something. In another step to make Meng the COOLEST MAN EVER, Meng has been given the Dungeon of Doom music - yeah! It just gets BETTER AND BETTER! Why yes, he IS wearing the pants that all the kids are talking about. Steiner rushes the commentators and forces Tony to proclaim him the man. Of course, Tony proclaimed this a "double match segment" despite the fact that we haven't had a match in half an hour, so I wouldn't put too much stock in what he's saying. Lockup, to the corner, clubbing blows, forearm shivers, nothing affects Meng, though. What the HELL is all that static? Must be a faulty ring mic. Several mighty chops (woooo!) and a big kick takes Steiner outside the ring. Tony announces some stipulations for the main event coming over his headset - it'll be a Tejas Tornado Rules match (all four men in the ring at the same time). Steiner back in, Meng standing on him, and his "Oh hohohohoho" is in full effect. Standing kick from Meng and Steiner wants timeout. Now he's offering the Hand of Friendship! Meng kicks him instead. Meng all over him, whip into the opposite corner - Steiner puts up a foot - belly-to-belly suplex! Meng is finally showing some effects of the punishment. Steiner throws him out of the ring and follows. Whip into the barricade. Kick - head to the STEEL steps. "Oh hohohohoho - oh hohohohohoho" - I love Meng. (People FAINT when I say stuff like that, you know.) Back in the ring we go. Off the ropes, Steinerline, elbowdrop. 1, no. Steiner and referee "Blind" Johnny Boon discuss cadence. Shots traded - now Steiner with a big backdrop. 1, foot on the rope, 2, foot noticed. Steiner choking Meng on the second rope. Later tonight, Booker T. and Chris Jericho in the other semi, tag team title match tonight, Texas Tornado four corners match for the World Heavyweight title tonight. Meng headbutts Steiner - chop to the throat to take him to the canvas. Second rope flying clothesline from Meng! He does it all! Steiner up first - Meng blocks the punch and delivers one of his own. Again. Punch, chop, chop (woooo!), off the ropes, clothesline, another clothesline - STANDING DROPKICK FROM MENG! 1, 2, no. Sidewalk slam! He's doing the motioning - TONGAN DEATH GRIP! Steiner with an eye gogue - Golotta! Belly-to-belly overhead suplex - feet on the ropes, Meng's feet under the ropes - ah nuts. 1, 2, 3. (6:13) Steiner will be in the finals Sunday.

That's one pointy logo, ain'tit?

NWO Wolfpack T-shirt ad. Hey, it might be $20 mail order, but I know for a FACT that Wal-Mart sells 'em for $9.94!

Hey, look - it's the Nitro Girls!

Yep, another productive segment there.

WCW/NWO THUNDER! for the PlayStation ad.

The WCW Battle for the Beetle gives away a Beetle! And some Beetles! And go enter now!

We pan the rafters but don't find Sting. But stay tuned - we might see him later! And he might speak! Wait - THERE'S STING! THERE'S - no, wait, it's some other guy. Sorry.

Repeat of the wet, sad mime Sting clip.

Damn, is this the second hour? It feels like the first! Two segments of ads and ads!

wcw.com spot

Back in Flair's suite, Flair invites some woman to a party - then, for the first time in forever, notices the camera and asks him to vacate, giving him a little privacy. I guess I'd note that Tony and Bobby aren't commenting about this, but nothing important's happening here.

Tony hypes WCW Live, the nightly Internetcast on wcw.com - Who are Bob Ryder and Jeremy Borash, anyway?

Last summer, Hacksaw Jim Duggan told us he had cancer. A while back, Jim Duggan returned on THUNDER! and promised he shall return! This Special Video Look hopefully has a purpose - what? He's coming up next? Get down!

LENNY LANE v. HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN - It's funny hearing the Washington Post March without the Faces of Fear theme in front of it, isn't it? Damn, call me a mark but it's GOOD to see ol' Duggan back. Sure this match sucks from a workrate perspective, sure there's no drop toeholds or standing dropkicks, but hell - this guy's still got charisma in buckets. Not to mention Lane has no problem getting his assed whooped all over the ring, outside the ring, in the corner. Hoooooo! Fans have no problem chanting USA for the man, and if I were there I guarantee I'd be doing the exact same thing. Hey, maybe he and Meng will rekindle their friendship! Vertical suplex - Duggan pulls up at 1 even as Lane puts a foot on the bottom rope. I hope that isn't a mistake! Off the ropes - Duggan scoops, spins and slams. Old Glory kneedrop is back on my list of worst finishers of the year - but who cares! 1, 2, 3. (4:28) 2x4 toss. Come back for the EXCITING NWO Black'n'White battle royale (with cheese)!

Riki Rachtman hypes the hotline. Funny to see him dis Disco Inferno in THAT outfit.

Last week on THUNDER! Hogan has a private meeting with the black & white - he reveals that he was trying to shake out a leader, to rise to the top, or something or other. Anyway, Monday he's calling for a battle royal amongst the Fab Four to once and for all settle the leadership issue. God knows why they just don't have Hogan lead the group, right?

VINCENZO v. HORACE (hogan) v. BRIAN ADAMS (cuts like a knife) v. STEVIE RAY in a Battle Royal for Leadership of the black and white NWO - "Breaking necks, and cashing cheques, now can u dig it?" I bet Stevie doesn't win. Hey, where's Scott Norton? Blah. I'm sure this means this WON'T end this angle, because it WILL NOT DIE. They pair off by race to start - now they switch partners. Oh, the excitement. It's so sad to see these guys fight when they should all be on the same page! Stevie Ray goes over the top rope but lands on the apron - completely missed by the camera, but thanks to the commentators being near the action, it gets called! Woo hoo! Two minutes gone by and nothing's happened. Commentators run through cliches to kill time. MAN this is exciting. FOUR minutes gone by with nothing happening. Vince misses a clothesline on Adams and teases going over but doesn't - Adams delivers a kick to the face and out he goes. (4:26) Vince tries to get back in - har har. Horace and Adams have a little talk and decide to team up on Stevie Ray - that's RACIST, MAN! Double whip, double back elbow. Both men putting the boots to him. Into the ropes again, double clothesline ducked, Stevie Ray delivers a double clothesline of his own, everybody down. Stevie's a house of fire on Adams, now on Horace. Booker T.-esque call to the crowd. Stevie takes Horace over but he lands on the apron. He turns to Adams, but Horace clips him from behind. Lariat from Adams. Now they're arguing over who's going to throw him out of the ring - now they're exchanging blows. Horace off the ropes, tilt-a-whirl backbreaker from Adams. Adams has Horace in a press - Horace goes for the eyes to force the release - Ray comes up from behind and clotheslines Adams over the top (7:17). Horace commences the beatdown. Coming off the ropes to take him out - Stevie Ray ducks and flips him over the top rope to win. That was kind of a surprise... (no bell - 7:36)

Let's look at Diamond Dallas Page back in the locker room - he's STRETCHING! Geez, he looks like he's in pain there...

Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Benoit & Malenko lost the tag team titles to Mysterio & Kidman thanks to Raven & Saturn - oh, the confusion...

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls!

RAVEN & SENSATIONAL PERRY SATURN v. REY NO MYSTERIO, JR. & KIDMAN for the World Tag Team Championship - Listen to me here - I will mail a DOLLAR to everyone reading this if Raven & Saturn don't come out of this with the belts. And I HATE predictable matchups. This just in - THUNDER! on Wednesday this week. The challengers come to the ring with Raven's theme, because Saturn's used to open up Monday Night RAW. The Champs come to the ring to Konnan's "Psycho," because Rey's theme has a cool Morris Day sample and I'm not allowed to listen to it if I like it, I guess. Besides, Konnan believes he's a bus! Saturn and Mysterio start (I was gonna say Kidman as I hadn't noticed their completely matching - tank top and jeans combos). Into the corner with the forearm shots. Saturn whips into the opposite corner, boot up - Rey charges - Saturn catches him, but it's a headscissors from Rey. Raven in - gutshot - Raven catches him in the headscissors attempt - DOOMSDAY DEVICE! Ref tries to get Raven out of the ring so Saturn gives Kidman a shot for good measure. Doubleteaming on Mysterio. Tag to Saturn - Rey laid out on the second rope as Saturn comes off the corner with a legdrop. 1, 2, foot on the rope. Pickup and a slam - Saturn climbing the ladder - senton misses. Mysterio tags Kidman - dropkick, dropkick to Raven! We're in Brunzell land! Pedigree to Saturn! Tornado bulldog to Raven! Both men up - stereo splashes on Saturn - 1, 2, no! Raven dumps Mysterio out, Kidman dumps Raven out, Kidman to the top but as Raven moves to crotch him and prevent a move on Saturn, we take an ... AD BREAK?!?

Mortal Kombat is NEXT!