WCW - now with MATZOH BALLS!

Speaking of kosher wrestling, a white car pulls up, Goldberg (rated TV-PG-DV) gets out and shouts to the camera. "Who's next? I'M next! Me and Page TONIGHT! for the World Heavyweight belt..." then he walks off.

Closed captioned is RIKI RACHTMAN with DJ RAN ("Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!") along with some women. Or something. Hey, is that top G-rated? Let's light ALL the pyro and try to drown out DJ Ran screaming "What - What - What - What" and - hey, look! It's the Nitro Girls!

WE ARE LIVE from Gainesville, FL 19.4.99 and the Illegible Center! Your hosts are Tony Schiavone and Bobby Heenan, who can't be heard over the pyrotechnics. Tonight: Will Page accept the challenge? Also tonight, Scott Steiner and Konnan - the real losers are the FANS! And so much more, but first...

ARMSTRONG BROTHERS v. VANILLA MIDGETS (with Arn Anderson) - we start off with a match that I dare say could be a main event at ANY ARENA IN THE COUNTRY. Referee is "Controversial" Charles Robinson. Somebody forgot to tell these Gators that the Horsemen aren't faces anymore as the Armstrongs get booed mercilessly. Boy that Steve's a Pistol, isn't he? Look at the crowd go nuts when Arn and Dean put the boots to Steve as he's outside the ring. Benoit with the drop toehold into Dean's sliding dropkick. That's the only thing to note in this squash. Crowd is chanting "Goldberg - " or is it "Boring?" Either way, they know a squash when they see it and so do I. Again Steve goes outside and this time it's Arn & Benoit doing the honors behind the ref's back (har har). Heenan: "This is a great opening match!" Oh Bobby. Later tonight: PIPER! Four way Cruiserweight title match, also. And a trash can kendo stick match, or something. Buff Bagwell! Disco Inferno! We'll talk about ANYTHING but this match! Kidman vs. Raven! Don't you DARE change the channel! Hey, what's on Dilbert? Oh, rerun. Did Benoit call the Northern Lights suplex in an audible fashion just now? "Who cares?" Well, you get your jollies where you can. Dean shows off his new "dick" person by putting a knee in Steve's throat and shouting "Give up Armstrong! Give up Armstrong!" Now they collide in the centre of the ring and I can't WAIT for the HOT TAG TO SCOTT! SCOTT'S A HOUSE ON FIRE! Back bodydrop on Dean! Double dropkick on Chris! Steve is out to mess with Arn! Meanwhile, Scott gets a surprise rollup for 2 - Benoit saves (as in, the Armstrongs were about to win?) Anyway, Benoit is outside to make sure Arn doesn't get hurt while Malenko reverses an attempt into the Tejas cloverleaf for the quick tapout (7:26) and for a squash, this was much better than I described it. 'course, it was still a squash...it's all the rage to call this "good Southern booking" but I don't know what that means - that's why I'm plugging the Workrate Reports - you and I can learn together! Okay, everybody look here. This was a PRETTY GOOD SQUASH. Good match, good match #1, WCW is good tonight. Anybody else need me to spell out that this was okay and I may be biased but I'll say "good" when it's good? OKAY? Is there a chip on my shoulder? Yer damn right.

Piper admires some papers that Ric Flair signed. If you watched THUNDER! you know what this is about. If you didn't, well, go read Keith's report. I'll be here when you get back.

Nitro Opening credits - NITRO'S ON FIRE!

Here's a major onsale announcement! Tickets on sale Friday for Roanoke, Johnson City, Knoxville, Savannah, and Charleston for THUNDER! Saturday, tickets on sale for Greenville for Nitro and Augusta! If you noticed the lack of a NWO logo in this segment, give yourself a gold star!

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you through the slippery slime known as Valvoline!

Gorgeous George and Randy Savage try to enter the ring - Doug Dillinger says he's suspended but Roddy Piper says the former heavyweight champ can come in - he's the Commissioner and he'll take responsibilty.

GENE O. works tonight! and he welcomes out Heavyweight Champion DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE, who comes out wearing the belt backwards until he's in the ring, when he turns it around. Page sends a shout out to Hogan despite Gene's protests. Page does his Road Dogg impersonation ("Wooooooooooorld!") and then tells Goldberg that he knows how badly he wants to be him. Page says he'd like nothing more than to put the title on the line tonight - BUT - that's not gonna happen. Before we find out WHY that's not gonna happen, the music fires up and out strolls COLD BEER. They stand nose to nose and take turns jacking jaws (Page sticks his tongue out at him - heh) and apparently Page decides to agree to the match...at least that's the impression the commentators give us. Oh-kay. Later tonight, World Heavyweight title bout - Page and Goldberg! I already give it four stars, Dean!

Meanwhile, back on the sofa, Roddy Piper is now joined by David Flair (huh?) - he's showing off the papers - "It's for only 72 hours?" "72 hours - just for observation..." David signs the papers...and smiles... so Piper's gonna...weeeeelll...

The commentators ignore these goings on and talk about tonight's title bout and how it came 'bout. Tony throws it to

Gene O. back in the locker room asks Page to confirm that there's a title match tonight. Page says he never walked from a challenge in his life, and they're gonna blow the roof off again. Gene throws it to

Let Us Take You Back to Spring Stampede, where Page did that nasty Bret Hart invented figure four 'round the post to Hollywood Hogan, "snapping" his something or other - despite all this, Hogan doesn't give up and end the match right there.

PSICOSIS c. BLITZKRIEG c. 'JUICE' GUERRERA c. REY MISTERIO JR. en un emparejamiento de cuatro terminales para el campeonato de Cruiserweight del mundo - Psychosis enters first, to Blitz' music and no graphics - so he probably entered out of order. Oh well. Rey enters to Konnan's music, 'cause he ain't his own man. Referee is Johnny Boone - good luck. Camera focuses on a goofy lookin' fan and Tony could SWEAR it's ALEX WRIGHT. Somebody must have told him, 'cause that mohawk and Goth gear sure masks his appearance pretty well...anyway he's sitting in the front row. Crowd boos everybody except Mysterio as they take their poses. Boone is having a great deal of trouble keeping two men out of this match. Psychosis and Juvi are apparently in cahoots as they run Rey into Blitz. Double whip on Rey into Blitz, who back bodydrops him to the apron (Rey lands on his feet) - Blitz steps aside and Psych's shoulder hits the post - Blitz clothesline Juvi. Blitz on Juvi's shoulders - Rey in with a Thesz press off a springboard - no cahoots for the good guys. Juvi covers for 2 and Rey breaks it up. Back body drop to take Rey out of the ring. Juvi and Psych back to teaming up - Psychosis off the top rope with a dropkick as Juvi holds him in the spinebuster position. Juvi gets another 2 and Rey's in to break it up. Rey's taken out of the ring again - Psychosis has Blitzkrieg up - Juvi off the top rope with a Rocker Dropper - but Blitz steps aside and Psychosis takes it instead. Brief offense for Blitz and Rey - 2 count broken up. Juvi and Psychosis up - now THEY'RE fighting. Psychosis off the ropes with the spinwheel kick. Too fast. Double dropkick from the ersatz faces and the ersatz heels go outside. Double baseball slide dropkick - DOULBE ASAI MOONSAULT! which the camera misses (chumps). All four men on the outside - Blitz back in now. Rey back in - Blitz punching him - smart move. Rey takes his head to the buckle - poised on the top - coming off - Blitzkrieg hits a dropkick on the way down. Blitzkrieg with his twisting standing somersault, forward and backward - only 2. Chop (woooo!). Psychosis kicked off the apron. Juventud off the top to kick Blitzkrieg out of the ring. Juvi celebrates - the turns around to see Rey waiting for him. Punches aplenty from Mysterio. Flying headscissors with a full rotation. Rey with the quebrada - 1, 2, Psychosis hits a dropkick. Cover - 1, 2, REY hits a dropkick. Psychosis and Blitzkrieg brawling on the outside while Rey shoots Juvi into the ropes - counter, standing bulldog from Guerrera. 1, 2, kickout. Guerrera signals for the Juvi Driver - where are the other two guys yet? Mysterio switches, Guerrera reverses the position and hits HIS Slop Drop instead. Psychosis comes in off the top rope - 1, 2, Juvi breaks it up. All four men in the ring now. Blitzkrieg chops Juvi out of the ring and follows. Rey and Psychosis - Psychosis positioned on the top - as Juvi meets the STEEL steps, Rey snaps off the superbulldog but can't cover. Rey to the apron - split-legged moonsault to come in - 1, 2, KICKOUT! As Blitzkrieg hits a springboard dropkick, we take an AD BREAK?!?

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Bashin' Brawlers ("Ohmyachin' - ARM!"), Slim Jim, America (ha!) Online, Hi-Ener-G scam pills, David sunflower seeds

When we come back, the TV-PG-DV box appears early and all four men are in the ring. Paired off now - heels slide out of the double whip but nobody's in control. I guess this is a Tejas Tornado match...by the way. Psychosis dropkicks Blitzkrieg out of the ring. Juventud hits a flip off the top rope onto Rey and Blitzkrieg - Psychosis with a moonsault (with a twist!) on all three. Psychosis brings Juvi in the ring with him. Psychosis whips him, reversal, back body drop, lands on his feet, hairpull to the mat - Juvi perches - flying headscissors! Both men down, Juvi covers - 1, 2, Rey drags him off. Rey takes Juvi - powerbomb? Yes. 1, 2, Psychosis pushses him off. Everybody trying to shake it off. Blitzkrieg with a figure four, of all moves. Rey to the apron with a springboard guillotine legdrop to break the hold. Juvi hits one of his own on Psychosis - kickout at 2! WE GOT ACTION! Rey taking Psychosis, whip is reversed - tilt-a-whirl backbreaker - 2 count. Blitzkrieg and Juventud back and forth, Juventud on his feet - powerbomb. Rey covers Blitzkrieg for 2 - Psychosis saves. What does "Juvi shakes" mean? Rey with Juvi on the top - Frankensteiner! Cover - 1, 2, Psychosis pushes him off! Crowd is restless, but fuck 'em. Psychosis turns to Blitz - brainbuster suplex - but only 2. Juventud grabs Blitzkrieg - Juvi driver is wriggled out of. Now Blitzkrieg has him for a neckbreaker - no, Juvi reverses and hits one of his own. Rey with a dropkick on Guerrera and now he's on Blitzkrieg. What's the time limit? Har har. Broncobuster on Blitzkrieg! Psychosis in the opposite corner - broncobuster him too, why not. Rey says "West side!" to confuse me. Juventud sneaks in to try for the Ligerbomb but Rey manages a 'rana counter instead. Psychosis is up - La Majistral cradle is broken up by Blitzkrieg. Blitzkrieg with La Majistral! 1, 2, no! Rey shot in - Rey swirls (tm). Juvi runs at him, up and over - stun gun on Rey. Springboard dropkick coming in, and Rey goes out. Juventud clotheslined by Psychosis to join him. In the ring - Psychosis with a belly-to-back - Blitzkrieg flips out - punch takes him down. Scoop and a slam - to the top rope - that looked like his finisher! - 1, 2, Juventud breaks it up. Blitzkrieg and Juventud trading counters - JUVI DRIVER! 1, 2, REY breaks it up. Rey whips Juvi, reversal, confusioni, counter, faceslam - now Rey's on him - they both tumble over the rope. Psychosis misses a broncobusteralike. Blitz positions him on the top rope and climbs - what's he gonna do? Superplex? No, Psychosis drops him on his face - now HE'S on the top rope - GUILLOTINE LEGDROP! 1, 2, 3!!!!!!!!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new World Cruiserweight Champion! (20:40) AND IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME. Psychosis rocks your sheep. Wendy's presents the Big Classic Slam of the Show - Psychosis takes out three men with one dive. Here's the legdrop on Blitzkrieg and the pinfall. I hope he keeps the belt A YEAR. (Yeah, not likely - but at least TONIGHT I'm happy).

If it's 54 past the hour, it's time for Gene O. to welcome THE MAN to the ring - accompanied tonight by ARN ANDERSON - I think Flair tries to pretend to trip on that ramp *on purpose* now. "Mean woooo by God Floria Gator Gene..." and so forth. Flair gets local to make the Gators happy - also, he's wearing a GATORS T-shirt. He's gonna buy a round for EVERY Gator who goes to him with the Swamp. Of course, the seeds have been planted for him to not be around by the end of the night, and as soon as the pipes and drums fire up, you KNOW it's on. Here's ROWDY RODDY PIPER, who walks to the ring amidst a cavalcade of boos. Flair asks Piper why he's jumping on his bandwagon. Piper calls Flair "the Dennis Rodman of WCW" and I think he goes on to make a homosexual reference, 'cause he loves to do that - but Piper kinda filters into a "mwah mwah mwah" while I'm listening to him. It doesn't help that he's getting the LOUDEST boos I've heard on a Nitro in quite some time. Piper says he's the reality check. He turns to Arn and asks if throwing $600 shoes to the fans is presidential. Arn says he's Ric Flair, he can do what he wants. Flair throws his CURRENT pair of shoes to the fans. Piper asks if he's got handcuffs on him. Piper again turns to Arn and asks if taking off all your clothes and handcuffing yourself to the top rope is presidential. Arn says he's seen him with his pants off many times, it don't mean anything, that's just Ric. Piper's got a big opening here, but he doesn't take it - good for him. Flair strips down to his Gators boxer shorts. Flair reminds Piper once again that he's the President. "I'm Ric Flair! I'm the president! I'm the man!" "Shut up, I'm the Commissioner! I'm not done talking to you! ... I didn't want to have to do this, but..." Flair once again mis-speaks, saying he's "President of the United States." 'cause he's nuts, you see. CHARLES ROBINSON is out with a robe for the Champ, who refuses to wear it. Piper hands the paper to Flair - it's a court order from Roderick Piper and David Flair - "...Ric Flair, incapable of exercising rational judgement, is incapable of weighing the consequences of his acts, represents a forseeable risk of harm to his well-being and the well-being of WCW - he is therefore determined to be incompetent...it is further ordered that Ric Flair shall be removed from the office of President of WCW during this incompetency..." Flair fires Piper (cheers all over the world!) and for an encore gives Florida the national title back from Tennessee, which is good for the crowd, but not for the story, I'd think. Piper also reveals that amongst the papers Flair signed last week was a match with Kevin Nash. Arn faints - Flair says he'll have no problem kickin' his ass from here to Knoxville. Flair and Piper take turns saying "You're fired!" "I'm not fired!" Then Flair challenges him to a match at Slamboree. If Piper wins, he can run WCW. "You're fired! But I'll fight you first! You're fired! But I'll fight you first!" Piper and Flair go outside, then punches are exchanged, and we fade out.

Umm. Well...the crowd was hot for it - too bad they can't HELP but cheer Flair. Same for me - I know how I'm SUPPOSED to react to this story, but I can't. And it'll probably make me cynical and biased and stuff. Sigh.

THUNDER! ad - it's this Thursday!

I bet this next segment contains NOTHIN'.

Backstage, the NWO Black'n'White is hangin' out - Konnan (pink shirt! Ewww!) happens by and Stevie Ray asks him if he's got a minute - Big Kev's lookin' for him. Konnan says he doesn't run with the 'Pac anymore, so a four on one beatdown commences. I don't know what all that's about, but I liked seeing it!

DJ Ran is all up in my area, with - whozzat, Storm?

WCW World Title Match has a GRAPHIC! This is HISTORICAL! Pix of Goldberg and Page.

Hey, I was RIGHT about this segment! It gets a pass on the basis of that GROOVY Cruiserweight match, though.

BRIAN KNOBS (with garbage can) v. HAK (with barbed wire, "kendo stick", Chastity and a hampah full o' plundah) in a garbage can vs. kendo stick match, or something - I guess I wasn't paying attention, but Knobs is back - at least they aren't using that old crappy Nasty Boys music...Knobs starts right on him with the trash can. Chastity slides random plastic objects in and Knobs commences to break them over his head. PIT STOP!! Aw, that's all nostalgic and old-timey - now let's never see it again. Ha! To the outside, chairshot by Knobs. Hak's done NOTHING so far. Head to the STEEL security railing. Finally, some offense for Hak - the clothesline takes out the cameraman. Whip into the STEEL post. Into the guardrail. Table procured from under the ring and put in the ring. "ECW" chant is turned down. Knobs with the chair. Hak run into the cart. Hak coming back - Knobs run into the cart. Hak finds a ladder under the ring and tosses it on him. Ladder in the ring. Punch for Knobs. Another garbage can thrown in. Knobs in first, Hak meets a garbage can. Soda tray off the second rope to the head. Nobody bleeds in WCW, though. Knobs gets a caneshot into the gut. Hak taken into the ladder. Ladder taken to Hak. Wasn't Knobs fired by Bischoff for talking out of his ass? Bulldog by Hak to the ladder. What exactly is "Blind" Billy Silverman's job in this match? I predict one pinfall attempt, which will succeed. Table time! Setting him up with lefts - laid down on the table, more lefts and now he's scaling the corner - Forward somersault MISSES - 1, 2, KICKOUT? Knobs wears the ladder and spins around into Hak, twice. Takes him down again and he's got the cane. whack! whack! Chastity is in - Knobs threatens her, but that's enough distraction for Hak to use the "very lethal" trashcan on Knobs. Chair placed under his head - outside - guillotine legdrop! Knobs dragged into position, rolled onto the ladder - BAM BAM BIGELOW appears from nowhere and hits a caneshot on Hak, who tumbles from the top rope to the mat. Knobs bulldogs a trashcan onto Hak and gets the pin. (no opening bell - about 7:00) Knobs says "As nasty as I wanna be" twice to let us know he's as nasty as he wants to be.

Coming up tonight - Flair vs. Nash! WITH A GRAPHIC! Graphics are good, by the way. I don't really understand why they stopped using 'em years ago. Hey, is it just a PATTERN or COINCIDENCE that Nitro gets better when Hogan's far away from it? Think about it.

WCW Superstar series tapes feature Goldberg and Diamond Dallas Page - who coincidentally, fight for the title tonight - not that that figures into this ad, which we've seen a HUNDRED times, but I thought I'd mention it anyway.

DJ Ran gets all up in my area, then - hey look! It's the Nitro Girls! I guess I should have mentioned by now that Kimberly's back with 'em - if you keep track of stuff like that.

Randy Savage, back in the locker room, lets us know how crazy Ric Flair is, lets us know that Gorgeous George has NO experience, so he got him a trainer for her match with Charles Robinson - and holy smokes, Batman, it's MADUSA! She's always wanted to wrestle a man, so she'll be happy to help train George to beat ANY man in WCW. She's in WCW to make a difference. Damn, is it just me, or does she look - older? oh sorry

Yes, no action in that last segment. Now they're pushing it. Ha!

Slam Society ad. How secret can it be if they're gonna push it on one of the hottest wrestling shows of the week?

Nash catches up with the Black'n'White in the locker room - he has issues with Konnan's beatdown (sure, sure) - before anything happens, Scott Steiner appears and tells Nash he's got a problem with Nash having the title shot after HIS title shot ended with "his tramp" chairing him last week - he deserves another title shot, not Nash. Nash and Steiner are gonna have problems...oh no! Stevie says "brah" a couple times - "we know what's going on behind our back - and it ceases." Nash says "you want none o' this. Watch what you're doin'." After Nash leaves, everybody tells Stevie what a great leader he is. Toinght their plan is to send in Norton in Steiner's match when he flied in. Now can you dig it? Is it just me or are they almost acting as one, and how scary is THAT?

BUFF IS THE STUFF v. DISCO INFER-NWO - Buff says since everybody else is calling their shots, HE'D like to call out Scott Steiner for a US title shot at Slamboree. Then he steals the whole "freaks" bit - yeeha! Disco is wearing a lovely necklace tonight. Shoving match - Disco takes him to the corner and stomps away. Tonight - Flair/Nash - Page/Goldberg! Back elbow from Bagwell, to the mat - Buff rips off the shirt and chokes him with it. Arm wringer - Disco punches out. Whip, reversal, off the ropes, hiptoss of Disco - there's the dropkick. Disco rolls out and Buff poses. Disco: "-the HELL is that?" Back in, back on him. Hairpull to get to the ropes - head to the gut, again, off the ropes - dueling hiptosses and Buff wins it - Disco's outside. Buff brings him in by the hair (NOT THE HAIR!) and Disco counters with a hot shot. Right hand as he comes back in. Head to the buckle - off the rope, gutshot - posing. Swinging neckbreaker hits anyway! Blatant choke by Disco Inferno. Second rope choke. Elbow to the back of the head. We take another look at Alex Wright. What the HELL is on his fingers? Atomic drop by Disco - clothesline. Fistdrop, scoop and a slam. Disco's going to the rope - second rope pelvic thrusts to work the crowd - kneedrop misses. Buff with the Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine, punching away, off the ropes, back bodydrop. Right, right. Off the ropes, powerslam, no cover - instead he climbs the ropes - Disco hits the ropes and crotches him. Disco takes him off the ropes, gutshot - Stunner attempt is pushed away - Buff off the ropes with the Blockbuster! 1, 2, 3. (5:08)

Later tonight - Goldberg vs. Page for the World Title! With a GRAPHIC!

SUPERSTAH SCOTT STEINER & SIX - NO, THREE HOOCHES walk to the ring - these look like three of the girls we saw at the very beginning of the show. I actually thought I heard Tony's voice change as one of the women made it into the ring! Of course, since Nitro is G-rated, we immediately go to crowd shots. This must be what watching RAW on TSN is like. Steiner immediately says "hooches" to excite me like none other. Crowd plays singalong with the US Champ. Steiner says that Marcus Alexander Bagwell's biggest claim to fame is strapping on a G-string and being a male dancer. "Real men don't wax their eyebrows, and real men aren't Chippendale dancers!" He also says that perhaps he should change his name to "Boy Bagwell" now. "Steroids" chant is quite audible.

Coming up later - Flair vs. Nash! AND A GRAPHIC! I can't say how good it is to see some graphics, by the way. That isn't even sarcasm, you people who twist EVERYTHING I say into some sort of WCW bashing!

The Sacramento Kings on TNT: 0-2. Maybe we SHOULDN'T want to be on National television so much...

wcw.com can't be considered "ALL NEW" until they get that old WCW logo out of there, in my opinion...

I guess I should note that Tony and Bobby, who are suckups, are both wearing Florida colours. They are drowned out by a "Let's Go Gators" chant.

Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where George slaps Charles Robinson 'cause he called her a "bimbo."

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! And they have CHAIRS!

DJ Ran gets all up in my area - NITROSTYLE.

Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight, where we didn't learn what "72 hours" meant - I wonder if we'll learn later tonight. That Piper/Flair match sure will smoke, though won't it? Wait...not smoke...what's the word I'm looking for....oh yeah, "suck!"

There better be another 20 minute match coming up if they're throwing all these ads all up in my area!

What does that mean, anyway?

TCI's local Slamboree spot has the old WCW logo - oops. Have I mentioned tonight that 10-10-220 is bringing us Slamboree?

TV-PG-DV ratings box heralds the de facto beginning of the third hour, and - yes! - a match!

(billy) KIDMAN v. RAVEN (with Sensational Perry Saturn) - I wonder if they'll mention the history these two guys have between them. Whoops, Tony just did. Good for him. Raven takes him to the corner, punching away, off the ropes, duck, flying headscissors by Kidman, Kidman on him, reversal, knee to the gut. YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN! 2 count following the faceslam. Raven blocks a suplex attempt - front suplex for Raven for 2. Saturn cheers him on. Off the ropes - gutshot - kneelift! and Kidman goes over the top rope to the floor. Raven follows. Penzer's chair appropriated and introduced into the ring. Kidman rolled in - I smell drop toehold - crowd cheers for some reason. There's the drop toehold, not well done - oh well. Chair on head - legdrop! Raven sets him up on the top. Superplex attempt is blocked - Kidman throws him off. Shooting star press! But Raven has the chair up to block it. Both men down. Now the VANILLA MIDGETS are in - Saturn quickly disposed of and now they're in the ring. Referee "Blind" Scott Dickenson calls for the bell (in a Raven rules match?) (DQ 2:44) and the attack is on - on Raven. Raven whipped into the corner, where the chair has been placed. Now attacking Kidman - Saturn is back in - REY NO LONGER A MYSTERIO JR. is back in - and the Horsemen are fought off. I'm waiting for Rey and Saturn to shove each other like last week - yup. As Saturn goes to pick up Kidman, against Mysterio's wishes - Mysterio spinds him round, so Saturn lariats him. Counter - flying headscissors from Rey! Saturn takes him down. "Short powerbomb" by Kidman! Evenflow by Raven! Now seeing an opening, the Horsemen are back in. While they're brawling, let's cut away to

Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight where Flair acts nuts and Piper tells Flair he signed a match between himself and Nash.

WCW MasterCard ad - hey, can you have Page as a pitchman if he wants the boos? Hey, is that WHYSPYR? Hey, is that the OLD WCW logo? Hey...aw forget it

BIG SCOTT NORTON v. SUPERSTAH SCOTT STEINER for the United States Heavyweight Title - Konnan, who was supposed to have this title shot, perplexes the commentators with his absence...ahh, but YOU and I know the SECRET! Sigh. Isn't it sad to see the NWO fighting amongst itself like this? Hey, what does Norton think about Stevie Ray running things despite the fact that he wasn't involved in that battle royal... Steiner's entrance takes about an hour - needless to say he scares both commentators, which is kinda funny I guess. Norton's growing his hair back in, yeah! To the corner, big forearms from Steiner. Norton comes back with rights, chop (woooo!) Tony says Tenay broke something over the weekend but I can BARELY make out what they're saying. Apparently he's okay, I think. Maybe MiCasa will tell us later. Norton's taken Steiner to the outside, so he can piss off a few more fans. Commentators speculate on what happened to Konnan - oh, give it up. Norton with the power moves on 'im. He sets up for a suplex but Steiner's trick knee acts up - he must have watched the tape of the Mysterio match! Steiner tosses him out and follows. Whip into the safety railing. Steiner rolls him back in and now he's in. Off the ropes - Steinerline. Elbow drop. Cover for 1. "Steroids" chant is up as Steiner punches away. Raining rights on him. Steiner poses and the chant is in full effect, yo. Whip into the corner, Norton puts a boot up. Big rights from Norton. Off the ropes, lariat KNOCKS his block off. Sidewalk slam with authority. 1, 2, kickout! "That's it!" Setting him up for the powerbomb - Norton just happens to elbow referee "Blind" Johnny Boone in the eye as he's setting up (in an AWFUL spot) - Steiner hits a Golotta on Norton as the ref can't see it, here's a belly-to-belly suplex - feet on the ropes. 1, 2, 3. Sigh. (4:13)

NEXT! Flair! Nash! You can't handle the graphic!

AND Mortal Kombat is also NEXT!

Goldberg "Who's Next?" T ad.

DJ Ran makes a plea for noise.

BIG POOCHIE v. AD BREAK - Someone, somewhere, is in some house, let me tell you. Nash is apparently in Hogan territory when it comes to getting no chyron love (because you're SO BIG you don't NEED a graphic with your name on it!) Nash promises to Hogan that he'll break Page's back - and to Goldberg, if he wins the title, he'll be happy to break that 1-1 tie at Slamboree. "Goldberg" chant starts up, and gets an...interesting...reaction from Nash. Nash sucks up to the fans, saying "you got good taste." Bah. Let's take an ad break!

Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight, where Flair and Piper argue over who's fired, set up a match for Slamboree, and try to get over that Flair's lost his mind. Sigh again.

When we come back, the familiar strains fill the arena - the fans rise to their feet as one - oh, but he's EVIL now. He's DRUNK WITH POWER. He's THE LAST PERSON IN THE WORLD we should want to cheer. Did I have to tell you the referee is Charles Robinson?

BIG POOCHIE v. THE MAN (with Arn Anderson) - he doesn't LOOK crazy to me. Flair walks RIGHT up to Nash - words are exchanged - then Nash pushes him away. Nash does a Hogan shirt removal. Ring the bell! Nash takes Flair down, and again. Flair off the ropes, but he meets a brick wall and goes down. Flair goes outside to talk it over with Anderson. Back in - whoa, he backs up. Nash asks for the test of strength - then goes in with the knee. In the corner - knee, knee, knee - whip into the opposite corner - giant back bodydrop. Nash does a Flair-esque hair move. Flair on the outside, Arn asks for a timeout and Robinson gives it - the second time the commentators have missed this move. Tony ALMOST catches it this time, but he's busy hyping 10-10-220 presenting Slamboree. Flair's back in, there's a headlock from Nash. Flair manages to take him to the corner - no clean break. Knife edge chop (woooo!), another, but Nash doesn't feel it - switch, knees, into the turnbuckle and another back bodydrop. Nash holding the throat with both hands - clubbing blow. Right to the temple, and another. Robinson demands the break. FLAIR FLOP! Fans go nuts. Nash picks him up and puts him in the corner - framed elbow(tm). A second one! Nash stands on the throat. Arn grabs Nash's other leg, Flair knocks him to the mat. They're making a wish - and it works! Poor Charles has something in his eye and totally misses it. Flair to the blatant chokehold. Arn in as Flair turns Robinson his way, away from the action. They're taking turns stomping on him - Robinson sees Arn and politely asks him to leave the ring. Flair kicks the knee. Again on the left knee. Flair asks Robinson to check the time, so he can kick Nash in the nuts while he's talking to the timekeeper. Like he NEEDS to do that with this ref in there. Well, he's the dirtiest yadda yadda yadda. Flair punching away. A little strut and the fans go wild. Right hand, on the button. Nash struggles to get up, Flair helps him out - knee draped over the second rope and he attacks the OTHER knee. You don't suppose Nash would job out himself a THIRD time this year, do you? I'll change my whole tune on him if he does. Arn attacking away as Robinson is distracted with Flair. Flair back to the inner thigh - but Nash finally pushes him away and comes back! Punch, push hair back! Punch, push hair back! Sidewalk slam! 1, 2, no! FLAIR FLIP! Flair ducks a lariat, but not the second one. Nash goes outside, limping. Head to the guardrail. Back in - Flair begs off(tm). Kick to the gut by Nash, whip into the opposite corner, Flair throws up a back elbow. DON'T CLIMB TO THE TOP!!! Nash beals him across the ring, of course. That NEVER works. Off the ropes - the big boot! Nash with a shot for Anderson. Nash takes off the shoulder straps. Nash points to the turnbuckle - grabs Flair - Jackknife powerbomb! Robinson says "nuts to this" and WALKS OUT OF THE RING. Nash turns to Robinson and wonders where the count is. Meanwihle, GORGEOUS GEORGE has hit Robinson from behind, relieved him of his ref shirt, and walked in the ring. Nash is standing on Flair with one foot - 1, 2, 3. THIS is what I've got to look forward too? (10:15) Tony says this will impact the big match at Slamboree (sponsored by 10-10-220) as THREE GUYS IN WHITE COATS come out with a stretcher - you know, I don't think these "doctors" are what they THINK they are, you know? Arn thinks they're handling him a little roughly - oh look there's ROWDY RODDY PIPER following the doctors, Flair, Arn and Robinson. He keeps saying "I'M the fired one? You fired me?" and FINALLY we get the point - this isn't an ambulance - it's an empty van. Arn's going ballistic and FINALLY we see a sign on the van "CENTRAL FLORIDA MENTAL HOSPITAL" - Arn seems to regain his ability to read and we quickly cut

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Wendy's hamburger bliss!

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Smash'n'Slam Wrestlers, David sunflower seeds, the Super Soaker CPS 2500 & 3000, Hot Pockets, and Moen faucets!

DUSTY RHODES & A BOTTLE OF SURGE join the commentators at ringside. They are almost drowned out by a "Goldberg" chant and I've never been so happy to hear it. In a few moments, that big match, but first

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where You See what You Just Seen - apparently, there's no way to open this van from the inside as we see Flair flail around and look for escape

Coming up next - Goldberg and Page - this is the LAST time you'll see this graphic tonight! (okay, MAYBE they overdid it with the graphics)

That's gotta be the last break, yeah? The CHAMP is introduced first? Now that's just wrong. Page comes out alone, again wearing the belt backwards so he can turn it around on camera - I'm sure there's a good reason for doing that after your first defense but I don't know what it is. I'm gonna speculate that THIS "Goldberg" chant is real. Again, they're so loud that they're drowning out the commentary team - and I'm torn to decide whether this is good or bad.

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE v. COLD BEER for the World Heavyweight Championship - referee is Mickey J. Nose to nose - words are exchanged - J. says let's get it going - both men shove him to the mat. They touch fists and we're off. Lockup, Goldberg shoves him to the corner, repeate, third time, armdrag takeover by Page. Sizing each other up again. Lockup, side headlock from Page, Goldberg powers him off the ropes, he falls through to the outside. Back in, lockup, shoulder drives from Page. He tries the Diamond Cutter, Goldberg pushes him off and again through the ropes. Back in, lockup, to a wristlock from Goldberg. Page holds on and turns it to a headlock, Goldberg takes him down, Page sweeps the leg and tries a cover for 0. Goldberg with knees to the gut. Takes him down - floatover into a cross arm breaker - Page manages to grab the bottom rope with his leg. Everybody back up - Goldberg powers him off again - Page comes back with a shoulderblock that knocks GOLDBERG down. Page runs the ropes, Goldberg pops up and spears him. Advancing on Page, Page grabs the tights and takes his head to the buckle. Swinging neckbreaker - Goldberg kicks out right at 2. Page pushes him to the corner - Goldberg tries to elbow out, Page ducks under, belly-to-belly suplex for 1. Page to the chinlock. For the first time tonight, I actually HEAR Rhodes on commentary. Crowd brings up the "Goldberg" chant until I can't hear him anymore. Page tries to hit knees but Goldberg punches out. Page tries a spear of his own but Goldberg catches him in a headlock and suplexes him out of it. 1, 2, NO! Barely. Right hand from Goldberg. Off the ropes - sidewalk slam. Goldberg roars for the people. Elbow, Page reverses a whip attempt, hits an elbow, tries another Diamond Cutter, gets pushed off again, and Goldberg hits a Meltdownalike for 2. Page rolling to the ropes - trying to pick himself up - Goldberg's got him, whip off the ropes - in position for another sidewalk slam - Page ROLLS through it into a flying head scissors! Page with a lariat and BOTH men are on the floor. Page rolls him back in, and climbs the ropes - top rope clothesline for 2! Goldberg counters with a jawbreaker. Goldberg catches the boot, ducks the discus lariat and hits the superkick. Ready for the spear - but Page won't run out of the corner. He DARES him to come at him - Goldberg tries the spear - Page raises himself up and Goldberg HITS the STEEL post. DIAMOND CUTTER! Page slowly covers - 1, 2, GOLDBERG POWERS HIM OUT ONTO THE REF! Page goes into his tights - he has an international object! Knux around the fingers - but Goldberg is up - Page puts Mickey J. between him and Goldberg and he takes the brunt of the spear. Page tries a kunx shot but Goldberg ducks it - Goldberg with an elbow, a gutshot - suplexing him in - no, he HOLDS him for the Jackhammer! But there's no ref. Goldberg checks him but he ain't movin'. Goldberg doesn't know what to di. Page CLOCKS him in the back of the head with the knux, then kicks him out of the ring. Page going for MORE shots with the knux. Page staggering over to the stairs - he's picked 'em up and is walking over - Page drapes a leg across the steps, grabs a chair and makes the big WHACK sound - Tony compares this to his dismantling of Hogan's leg at Spring Stampede as Page says "Boo me now, baby!" Another chair shot for good measure. JOHNNY BOONE comes out and tries to grab the chair - Page takes HIM from the apron to the safety rail, then gives HIM some shots for good measure. Goldberg has managed to climb back into the ring - Page grabs him and he's gonna do the ringpost figure four - but BIG POOCHIE is out to break things up...he's *rescuing* Goldberg! MY HERO! I think Goldberg just helped him move his hair out of his face! Page gets a belt shot on Nash, there's another. Ladies and gentlemen, I think the heel turn is official now. Credits are up and we're out.

(No contest? 8:18-11:13 depending on how you want to time it)

8 matches - let's call it 68:39. Good show, even if they're not telling the story the way *I* want it told, I can't complain too much, 'cause this is pretty much good stuff. That's, like, a COMPLIMENT, in case you're ready to overlook it and write me asking me why I'm so hard on WCW. Not that I'm bitter or anything. Ha!

See you next week!