Rest in peace, Roger Troutman.

Larry Troutman, I hope God has mercy on your soul for what you've done.

But this is a wrestling show recap! We came to play!

But first... I broke down. I admit it. I was going to boycott the NBA all year, but the Kings just wouldn't gracefully slide out of the playoff hunt, damn them. So I went and watched them play the Mavericks Saturday night, and I had a great time.

My mistake was I couldn't just leave it at that. Oh no, I had to go to Oakland last night and watch the Warriors win by approximately 162. So now I'm boycotting basketball again. Unless the Kings make the playoffs and I score a seat...

Hey, if you work at Astralwerks and sent me the discs, thanks very much. If not, why are you reading this paragraph? Go buy something off the Astralweks label RIGHT NOW!

I didn't write back to about thirty of you last week - sorry - just ran out of time. I'd write back NOW but who wants a 5-7 day old reply?

If eleven MILLION people watch Nitro each week, does that mean I reach .01% of their audience? FEEL MY POWER (I think we're both exaggerating a bit)

WCW - pareve

RICK ROOD 1958-1999 - three bell salute

TV-PG-DV Closed Captioned "LAST WEEK" montage shows Piper getting Flair committed, getting fired, and getting my dander up. Also, Goldberg and Page fight, then Nash and Goldberg share...a tender moment...umm...

Tonight, we open up the show with a skit from inside the "Central Florida Mental Hospital." Flair acts like this is a hotel and he owns it. The nurse says there's no Nitro tonight. I cannot do this justice. I believe this bit is actually insulting to four or five different groups of people.

Nitro Opening Credits

J. J. Dillon & Charles Robinson go over some papers - apparently, Charles Robinson was designated Vice-President of WCW before Ric's untimely institutionalisation. With Flair out of the picture, we learn that Charles Robinson is running things. Too bad he didn't find this out - say - last Tuesday...

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls!

We're LIVE from the Fargodome in Fargo, ND 26.4.99 for Nitro on Turner Network Television! Your hosts are Tony Schiavone and Mike Tenay.

Tonight, cheesecake! But first, let's open the show at the other end of that spectrum with ROWDY RODDY PIPER. Piper wastes no time sucking up to the locals. Isn't it a WEE bit hypocritical for Piper to accuse Flair of living in the past with his references? Piper says he's the only guy to make the calls around here tonight - 'cause he missed that little skit we saw earlier, apparently. Anyway, Savage is reinstated, says Piper. Tonight, Savage takes on Scott Steiner for the United States title, says Piper. He turns to Diamond Dallas Page, but before he can get out an assignment for *him*, DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE comes out on his own, making sure to come out with his belt backward so he can make a big show out of turning it around for the camera. Piper pumps up Page, then asks him to give a title shot to Sting tonight. Page basks in the boos, encourages the boos, then basks in them again. He says there's nothing he'd like better to do than give Sting a title shot, but "I don't think so." Piper again says he's the boss and the reality check, and he WILL defend the title against Sting tonight, in about 45 minutes, coincidentally when that other show starts - well, he didn't say THAT, but I'm pretty sure he implied it. Now, if you're like me, you're waiting for Robinson to come out and tell Piper he's NOT the boss. And if you're like me, you're still waiting...

Bismarck, Pittsburgh, University Park for THUNDER!, Uniondale and Philadelphia can all experience LIVE WCW ACTION this week!

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Valvoline!

DJ RAN gets all up in my area. I scarcely have the strength.

BRIAN ADAMS (he needs somebody - somebody like you) v. I HATE KONNAN - the sad thing is, hearing "Tequila Sunrise," all I can hear is Zapp. If Konnan wears enough camoflauge, will he disappear entirely? Does Adams know how funny he is when he butchers Konnan's Spanish catchphrases? What's up with Konnan's worker's comp back brace? Did you know this is a rematch from the hotly contested 4 May 1998 Nitro matchup - a matchup ending by DQ when Nash interfered on Konnan's behalf before three minutes had elapsed? Isn't it funny to think about how much Nash and Konnan aren't getting along THESE days when harkening back to that exciting match? If Tony says "Charles Robinson" like he did just now, does that mean he DOES see those offset antics that we are privy to? Did they ever explain why referee "Blind" Scott Dickenson is no longer disgruntled? Am I going to make a weekly habit out of not providing any play-by-play for the Nitro opening event, instead asking an unbroken string of questions? Perhaps. NWO run-in (DQ 5:07) and a five on one beatdown ensues, culminating in a stuff piledriver. The sad thing is, although I should have no problems watching Konnan get the shit beat of out him EVERY week, I'm already a little tired of it in its second consecutive week! Well, better do it one more week just to be sure...

Special Video Look at Sting - International Man of Mystery

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Bashin' Brawlers (Old logo, Giant action figure), Slim Jim, America (ha!) Online, David sunflower seeds, and Judge Wapner for Singer Asset Scam Finance

A BOTTLE OF SURGE joins the commentary team. Our commentators talk about the impending Sting/Page match "in the first hour of Nitro tonight!" Arrrgh, just BEAT ME OVER THE HEAD WITH IT. Tony says that tonight we were supposed to have a Raven/Saturn vs. Armstrongs match, but the Horsemen put Saturn in the emergency room. Also Kidman (huh?). So, tonight instead, we have...

SCOTT & STEVE ARMSTRONG v. RAVEN in a Handicap Match - How sad is it that we already know how THIS match will end, and how the losers - oops, gave it away - are being totally wasted? That Steve's a Pistol, I tell ya. Both men taste the drop toehold onto the chair. That's your highlight, I guess. At Slamboree, there'll be a three team match for the tag team titles - the three teams being, like, the entire division, I think. After the Evenflow on Scott, Steve grabs the chair and breaks the pinfall with authority. Scott covers - AND GETS THE PIN! (3:56) Well, I take back everything bad I said about this match. Not that I'll go back and redo the play-by-play.

Charles Robinson and Ric Flair have a "hilarious" phone call. Flair says he wants Piper in jail. Later, the word "guns" is muted for no apparent reason other than the censor probably thought a different word was coming.

Let's Take a Special Video Look at Diamond Dallas Page! 'cause, like, him and Sting are fighting and don't you DARE change the channel.

DJ Ran, Fyre and Chae kill time.

"LAST WEEK" clipfest - AGAIN?!? This time I'll note that in a clever bit of product placement, David Flair is drinking SURGE! (so why is he so laid back if he has all that caffeine in him?)

GENE O. works tonight! And he's got CHARLES ROBINSON in the ring with him. Gene intimates that he's seeing these bits that we've been seeing, too. Robinson says HE'S in charge, but the fans WILL get their Sting/DDP matchup - and before we get any further, ROWDY RODDY PIPER walks out. "I'm in charge here! I want security - I want protection! This guy is a madman, get me security, now!" "You little leprechaun! I could eat bowls of soup off your head! The only thin you're in charge of is Ric Flair's bedpan. And I'll tell you something else - you didn't look like you were in charge of much when Gorgeous George slaped the snot out of you!" "I've got something for you from Ric Flair..." and he slaps him one. Before Piper can rip Robinson's head from his body, J.J. DILLON, DOUG DILLENGER and LOTSA SECURITY FOLK are out, and Piper is lead off in cuffs. "Charles - is in charge! And that's MISTER ROBINSON to you! ... Guess what? You're fired! But you still get Flair at Slamboree! You're fired!" Piper mutters "son of a bitch" and gets muted. Robinson goes nuts for the camera, dropping the "Charles in Charge" line again - I guess THAT one took about ten seconds to think up, hey?

Without an ad break, the familiar music fires up...and out walks a pair of goofy white boots...

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE v. (THIS IS) STING for the World Heavyweight Championship - appropriately enough, the challenger enters first so the champion can enter last. Sting's wearing his "sad mime" face tonight. Page gets the cascading boos - and he thinks he LIKES it! Commentators are busy talking about Nash and Goldberg instead of this. Referee is Mickey J. We start at 5 to the hour (wink wink). Lokup, side headlock from Sting. To the ropes, off the ropes, shoulderblock takes Page down. Page rolls out, then back in. Jawjacking between both of them, right hand from Page doesn't affect Sting. Page dares Sting to hit, and he does. Now they're back and forth with rights, Page off the ropes with a right, Sting off the ropes with a right that takes Page outside the ring. After gathering himself, Page reenters the ring. Lockup, to the ropes, back to the centre, to a corner, switch, clean break? No, Page with a back kick to the chest. Another kick. Arm wringer, shoulder drive, side headlock. Sting tries for the leverage and reverses to a hammerlock of his own. Page goes for the hair and takes him down, then walks outside. This time Sting follows, and decks him. Another punch. Head to the announce table! Sting takes Page to the security railing and hits his head there. Page back in, as Sting comes in, Page strikes. But Sting comes off the ropes with a clothesline. There's a second one. Page pulling himself up - STINGER SPLASH! Going for the Sharpshooter - but Page grabs the bottom rope. As the hold is broken, Page again goes to the outside. Page grabs Tenay's water, takes a swig, and does a Muta impersonation. Page jawing with the fans for a while. Finally back in the ring. Sting ducks a punch and hits two of his own. Kick, punch, Page down. Page trips him up with a single leg - cover for 2. Hammerlock/facelock combo keeps him off his feet. Both men standing up, Sting punching to the gut to break it - off the ropes, Pge shoulderblock - off the ropes, standing switch, duck, Page's clothesline hits this time. Diamond Cutter attempt - Sting pushes him off with such power that Page goes out to the floor. Page with unkind words to the fans at ringside. He's walking off but Sting's out and following. Head to the security railing. Again - now they're WAY down the aisle here. Hot shot on the security railing by Sting. J. out to try to get them back into the ring instead of counting them out. Page hit a move, but Sting is back in control. He just called him "white trash!" On the railing again. Scoop and a slam on the floor! Thank God the crowd is drowning out the commentators - I mean, hey, why can't those sound guys fix it so I can hear the commentators? Sting with the bell clap on the eardrums. Head to the apron. They're FINALLY back in the ring. Time for the ten punch count along. Between 4 and 5, Page hits a Golotta, then drops Sting's jaw on the top turnbuckle. Crowd is rather rabid. Page stomps away. Whip into the corner - as Sting backs out, Page hits a belly-to-back suplex. Bigtime booing. Field goal kick by Page. And there's another one. Page standing on the back of his neck for 4. "Let's go Sting!" Off the ropes, clothesline ducked, Sting with the shoulderblock. But he's groggy - oh boy, I bet it's that "accidental headbutt in the nads!" Geez, they BUILD UP to that move now, that's sad. Page covers and gets 2. Page puts the knee in between the shouldblades and pulls back with the chinlock. Face rake. Page removes an elbow pad and grinds the bare elbow into the face. Stomp. Elbow to the back of the head, stomp on the hand. Another stomp on the hand. Open-handed slaps and badmouthing - now Sting comes back with knife-edge chops. Off the ropes - Page with a swinging neckbreaker! 1, 2, kickout barely. Another cover, another 2. Page grabs the legs, looks to the crowd, and hits an elbowdrop in a probably-not-legal area. Another elbow dropped between the legs. Page calls to the crowd and gets boos in return. Page stands on the neck until the ref's count is close. Right, right, right, Sting goes down. 1, 2, kickout. Page drags Sting's legs into the corner and only Sting hanging onto the ropes can prevent the figure four. But Page can still grab ONE leg and wrap it around the post. Trying again, Sting kicks him away to the barricades. Page back in the ring - Diamond Cutter attempt but Sting holds the top rope and Page falls hard. Jawbreaker from Sting. Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine, punch, punch, drops him. Atomic drop - another atomic drop - Sting with the kick to the gut. Faceplant. Sting going to the top rope - BIG SPLASH! 1, 2, kickout!! Page throws him through the ropes and follows - Sting's head meets the barricade, then the apron. Another barricade shot, this time to the back. Page chokes, then chops. Everybody back in the ring - rather Page drops Sting's throat on the top rope with a neckbreaker. Page steps on the throat for 4. Page signals to the crowd and gets the appropriate response. Sting with a jawbreaker counter. Into the corner, whip into the opposite corner, Sting with a punch, and the ten headbutts from the top turnbuckles to the apron. Sting picks him up, whip is reversed and there's a knee in the gut. Page Ligerbomb! 1, 2, no. Both men down, 10 count is applied. Both men stir at 6. Page whips Sting into the corner but misses a charge following him. Rollup from Sting for 2! Big clothesline from Page afterwards. Vertical sup - no, small package from Sting for 2. Clothesline for 2. Sting appeals to the crowd and the crowd cheers. PILEDRIVER! 1, 2, kickout! Somehow. Waistlock - dueling tombstone attempts - STING HITS THE TOMBSTONE! 1, 2, KICKOUT! Sting can't believe it and neither can the crowd. Sting grabs him and instead of tossing him, Page catches him and drops him with a DDT. 1, foot on the rope. Dueling backslides but Page's trick knee acts up - trying the Diamond Cutter but Sting holds onto the top ropes in the corner - moving out again - Sting turns it into a Scorpion Death Drop - 1, 2, 3!!!!!!!!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new World Heavyweight Champion. (19:45) Stay tuned, and when we come back, I'll damn this match with faint praise!

Flair and Robinson, with another phone call. Flair asks Robinson to make a Sting/Goldberg match for Slamboree. Hey, when did 72 hours become a week, anyway? Oops

You know, for a last minute booked, desperate, ratings grabbing, shock world title change, that was a pretty good match. Thank you, you've been beautiful!

WCW/NWO Magazine highlights the 1998 Year in Review - ummm....isn't it APRIL? Also they're using the old logo. Also Whisper is in the Nitro Girls poster. Also...

THUNDER! ad makes me laugh when they call Bobby Duncum, Jr. "Junior."

Closed captioning (where available) brought to you via WESTERN UNION! Well, not LITERALLY...

Tony's STILL trying to catch his breath - sounds like a physical problem to me...

PSICOSIS contra REY MISTERIO JR. para el campeonato de Cruiserweight del mundo - Psychosis has a towel over his head with holes in it for his horns - that's a gas, baby! Champion enters second as he should. Damn, is Nitro getting good on us or what? Rey better not win, by the way. Lockup, side headlock by the Champ. Rey knees to the back, then powers him off the ropes, shoulderblock from Psychosis, off the ropes, Rey goes down, Psychosis hits a dropkick to the mat. Stepping on the throat in the corner. Whip into the opposite corner, splash finds nothing but turnbuckle. Rey charges, Psychosis dumps him over the rope, Rey takes him down, then comes back into the ring with a springboard into a flying head scissors. Side headlock, Psychosis flips him over - to the ropes, off the ropes, flying head scissors attempt but Psychosis drops his neck on the top rope. Another sliding dropkick to the mat. Powerbomb attempt coming up - Rey drops down, dead weight. Shot to the back by Psychosis. Powerbomb - no he drops him over his head, face first to the turnbuckle. Psychosis on the second rope - tornado DDT attempt blocked, Rey tries a tilt-a-whirl but Psychosis stops it and drapes him over the top rope, then comes off the ropes with a dropkick that takes him to the apron - climbing the ropes - Mysterio meets him there but Psychosis punches him back to the apron. Mysterio springs up and punches him to the apron, Psychosis throating himself on the top rope on his way down. Now he's hanging there - huracanrana from the top turnbuckle to the apron to the floor! The VANILLA MIDGETS are walking to the ring as Psychosis has Rey up for a front superplex off the second turnbuckle! Whip, powerbomb countered with a faceplant. Meanwhile, the Horsemen are trying to "reclaim" the tag belt, but Rey's off the apron with a double bulldog. As he calls to the crowd, Psychosis hits a baseball slide dropkick to the belt. Back in the ring, powerbomb hits but only gets 2. Psychosis and referee "Blind" Johnny Boone have a brief multilingual discussion. Psychosis picks him up - powerbomb attempt - no, looks like a - heck if I know. Kinda Slop Drop-ish. But he got the pin with it. Damn him. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new World Cruiserweight Champion. (5:18) Sigh. The celebration is remarkably short-lived, however, as the Horsemen swarm, toss Psychosis outside, then take Rey up high and drop him on his knee. Mirror image baseball slide dropkicks to opposite sides of the head look EXTREMELY cool. Horsemen soak up the boos, then walk away.

Coming up later - Four way Hardcore action! No, not like that. Hak, Horace, Mikey Whipwreck, and Brian Knobs fight for a shot at Bam Bam Bigelow at Slamboree.

Well, believe it or not, they're STILL trying to catch their breath. Poor, poor commentary team.

KEVIN NASH walks to the ring - Sting's taken his title shot away, you know, by winning the earlier championship match. "Ya know, I just got informed in the back from one of Charles Robinson's stooges, that at Slamboree, the main event now is Sting vs. Goldberg for the world belt. Somehow out of all this, somebody must have forgot that Big Sexy had a title shot at Slamboree. Well let me rest assured that Big Sexy has not forgotten. So since tonight Bill Goldberg's in the back, we've already seen Sting and Page - Big Sexy's DEFINITELY in the house - so Sting, I throw this challenge out to you because without you this doesn't happen tonight...tonight, in this ring, since the four of us can't seem to work this out, I challenge Goldberg, I challenge Page, and I challenge you new Champion Sting - TONIGHT! The four of us have a four-way dance, whoever gets the pinfall walks out of Fargo the World Champion. And don't worry - I got my gear in the car. Waitin' for an answer boys!" You know, if Sting had HALF A BRAIN, he's say "Hell no!" Of course, he probably doesn't.

Flair and Robinson have a hilarious phone call - Flair says make the match happen. Then he gets a nurse to wrestle him. Har har har.

Coming up later - that hardcore four way match, the graphics of which we'd seen earlier, but they're so expensive we must see them again.

DJ Ran is all up in my area - I believe the Naughty By Nature jam he's groovin' for us is SIX YEARS OLD. But don't hold his lack of freshness against his ability to be fresh. Or something.

ERIK WATTS v. BAM BAM BIGELOW - Tony says that DJ Ran adds an exciting element to Nitro. I never thought I'd see the day when I was forced to endure Erik Watts on a show I had to recap. If this goes over a minute, I'll be bitching, you betcha. COMPLETELY botched Frankensteiner might have been Bigelow's fault, so I'll give Watts the benefit of a doubt. Oops, it's over. Well, close enough for government work. (Greetings from Asbury Park -> pin 1:11)

Gene O. talks but his mic doesn't come over the TV sound. Then he welcomes (THIS IS) STING, who tells us that he is back. Back in black. "Kevin Nash - you want me tonight for the World title? Just so there's no more whining in the dressing room in the back, I'm gonna say yes." He's got no brain, see. But at least he touched up his facepaint! So there's your main event for tonight, I guess.

TONIGHT! Someone quickly made up a graphic! It's apparenlty a four corners match - we'll see, these things seem to always end up Texas Tornado matches in WCW...

Notice how clever they're getting? Instead of two interviews and a WCW MasterCard ad making up a segment, instead they give you a one minute match and an interview. Isn't that clever? Well, *I* think it's clever.

WCW/NWO Superstar Series videotapes showcase Goldberg and Diamond Dallas Page.

DJ Ran plays the exact same jam he played last segment. I don't know if I'm "down with that" or not. Tygress and Storm dance.

BOOKA T. v. THE MONSTER MENG for the World Television Championship - The All-New Nitro Girls website goes online following next Monday's Nitro! Stay tuned for more information! Quick, get those pictures of Tayo before they're COMPLETELY obliterated! Tony says "greatest Nitro ever" at 9:53. What was the over/under this week? I hope that they don't feel the need to change EVERY title tonight - as much as I like Meng, he shouldn't take away Booker T.'s belt. It's "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" vs. "Hohohohohohoho - hohohohoho" for the title. Lockup, nothin'. Lockup, wristlock by T., Meng scoops and slams. Kick, kick, elbow, whip is reversed, shoulderblock, up and over, leapfrog, flying forearm by Booker T. to take him down. Chops (woooo!), off the ropes, dropkick on the button for 2. Armbar. To the ropes - no clean break as Meng pounds away. Did I mention the Champ entered second? I like that. Knife-edge chop (wooo!), and another (woooo!), whip is reversed, no, Meng drives him into the original corner, kicking, stomping, splash misses and his head finds the turnbuckle. Booker T. with not one but TWO scoop slams - quite impressive! Forearm, whip is reversed, big boot put up, though - Booker T. charges but runs into a powerslam for a close 2. Meng chokes. Right, right, chop (woooo!), choke. It's really annoying that I can't hear the commentary enough to make fun of it. Chop (woooo!), whip into the opposite corner, follow lariat. Pulling him out, whip into opposite corner, Booker T. up and over, kick, there's a kick, there's an axe kick and Meng goes down. Two kicks and a Harlem sidekick. Meng runs into referee "Blind" Billy Silverman on the way down, though. No ref but T.'s gonna keep on keepin' on. Belly-to-back suplex, breakdance, in position for the Harlem sidekick - cover - no ref - STEVIE RAY is slowly walking to the ring. Meng back up - Booker T. on him. Harlem sidekick misses and T straddles the rope. Meng is making the move - TONGAN DEATH GRIP! Cue Stevie Ray, cue the "slapjack", cue the ref revival - 1, 2, 3. (5:35) RICK STEINER comes out and takes it to Stevie Ray - until Booker T. pulls him off. As Silverman stands between Steiner and Booker, Tenay shills the WCW hotline. Too bad Meng didn't get really made and kick some ass afterward!

Let's take a special video look at Kevin Nash - this guy runs his fingers through his hair even more than *I* do!

It's another TV-PG-DV hour! Another hour of my life I'll NEVER get back! Let Us Take You Back to that dastardly figure four around the ringpost by Page on Hogan. We can only speculate why no one decided to get the pinfall or submission on Hogan, rather than letting him just LEAVE the contest like that. Six days ago, we learn, Hogan had knee surgery with Dr. James Andrews. Crowd chants "Weasel" at Tenay - crowd is funny!

Dr. James Andrews sure looks goofy in those surgery scrubs. Knee cartilage tear. There's Bischoff, there's Hogan. Hey, where's Samantha? Ha! Hogan says he'd rather take care of Page first and the knee second, but he trusts Bischoff. Hogan tries to cut a promo as he's going under - what a professional! Lots of quick cuts show nothing much. Andrews points to an X-ray and mumbles. Some guy, who is his trainer, talks about the rehab. I guess the bottom line of all this is he's on the shelf for a while - how long? They didn't say...

Coming up - four way hardcore action! We're AMORTIZING the cost of these graphics with every bumper!

Kidman: "New shirt!" Booker T: "New logo!" Hak: "New look!" Page: "New Attitude!" It's a WCW LOGO T-SHIRT! WHAT A FIND!

Let's Take a Special Video Look at Goldberg

Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! Music by Jocelyn Enriquez! Good job DJ Ran, this music is only TWO years old!

Coming up - four way title match! Yes, this is the WHOLE SEGMENT! But they get a pass for no ad breaks during matches so far

How can you too become a special member of a secret society?

Flair and Robinson have a hilarious phone call - Flair asks Robinson to book a Steiner/Booker T. TV title match for Slamboree - then he asks Robinson to make the title match tonight a no DQ match. Then Flair and the mental patients dance all night and dance a little longer, and just to make this even MORE incredibly surreal - *Scott Hall* appears, and throws a toothpick in Flair's face. What the FUCK?!?

HAK (with Chastity and kendo stick) v. MIKEY (0-4) SHIPWRECK (with kendo stick) v. HORACE (hogan) (with kendo stick) v. NASTY BRIAN KNOBS (with kendo stick) in Hardcore Action - No entrances for anybody! Hooray! How lucky is Mikey Whipwreck to make his Nitro debut in THIS match? I was actually starting to think his gimmick was going to be that he'd always lose, and then he'd accidentally win the TV title, then hold onto it through sheer luck and happenstance and...then I realised that had already been done. Then I figured, hell, that might not stop them, at that! Play-by-play is kinda like this: kendo stick shot, kendo stick shot, kendo stick shot, ladder shot, ladder shot, kendo stick shot, pit stop, ad break, so you can just IMAGINE the excitement. Believe it or not, I don't MIND an ad break here...almost makes you wonder what Pod Person's taken over my body, doesn't it?

When we come back, Horace has a garbage can, Hak has a Surge cooler (product placement!), Knobs has the garbage can now, ladder here, Surge plastic cooler shot, chris - no, elbow, garbage can. Hak finds a table. Knobs wheels the dumpster into Hak, then Hak wheels it into Knobs. Chastity's got a Pooh bear on her back? Is that a message to us? Whipwreck hits a 'rana and no one notices. Hak holds a chair to Knobs' head and Whipwreck hits an over the top rope guillotine legdrop. Horace gets two on Knobs. Something's muted. Whipwreck kicks a chair into Hak's face. Springboard bulldog doesn't work and Mikey goes splat. Another table introduced. Knobs whips Hak into a ladder and then hits him with a plastic "piso mijado" sign. Before Hak can use the fire extinguisher, Horace has removed his belt and creative chokes away with it. So Chastity uses the fire extinguisher instead. Horace on the table - Hak with the buttdrop that only finds table. But he's back up - Knobs blocks a fire extinguisher blast with the garbage can, but Hak gives him a caneshot to take him down. Whipwreck on a table - Hak with a ladder somersault leap through Mikey AND the table. Knobs off the second rope with the garbage can onto Hak - now dropping the ladder on Mikey and covering - 1, 2, 3. Well thank God. (10:32) "The gates of Nastyville have now been opened, so get ready to feel the taste of Nasty Sensation!"

SUPERSTAH SCOTT STEINER is in the ring when we get back. I guess they don't want to confuse us by having the Wolfpack music play when he comes out - come to think of it, we don't see him with a Wolfpack T-shirt either...Steiner says Piper's not a real man 'cause he wears a skirt and all that. Then he says he'll be happy to give Savage a shot, but if HE wins, he gets Gorgeous George for a night so she can be shown what a REAL Macho Man is like.

SUPERSTAH SCOTT STEINER v. RANDY SAVAGE (with Gorgeous George & Miss Madness) for the World Television Title - for no apparently reason, a TV-14-LV box pops up (does that mean no more muting tonight?) - also no explanation for the second woman accompanying Savage - sigh. CHARLES ROBINSON is out and demanding that Billy Silverman take a hike so that *he* can ref this matchup. Savage asks for a test of strength in a (I would say) gutsy move. Steiner goes for the women, no he's back in. Finally they lock up. Steiner pushes him to the corner, Savage turns it around - Steiner pushes Savage out of the corner as Robinson calls for the break - Savage brushes up against Robinson and Robinson promptly disqualifies him - HA!! (DQ 1:21) Now that's entertainment! As Robinson walks off, he's waylayed by - MADUSA! Holy crap, what's up with her hair? Madusa rolls him into the ring where George promptly strips him down to his - ahem - Gator boxers.

Slamboree is MOTHER'S DAY! (Old logo)

Schiavone taunts random fans at ringside. Somebody's gonna pop him one if he keeps that up - mark my words. They talk about Madusa, "the greatest women's champion ever."

Here's the "Gorgeous George training video." This looks even better than the first time I saw it - when SABLE was in it!

NEXT: Goldberg/Sting/Kevin Nash/DDP/Four Corners Match/WCW World Heavyweight Title - that's a graphic. Why did Tenay say "No DQ" unless he saw those skits behind the scenes that we've been seeing? I'm so confused

Slamboree promo with the new logo - speaking of confusing

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Wendy's Classic Hamburger - it is hamburger bliss.

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Bashin Brawlers ("Getoffmy - NOSE!"), David sunflower seeds, the Super Soaker CPS 2500 & 3000, Hot Pockets from Hot Pockets, and John Madden - for Tinactin Athlete's Foot Treatment!

"We are on the threshhold of history!" Oh blow it out your ass Tony.

(THIS IS) STING v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE v. KEVIN NASH v. COLD BEER for the World Heavyweight Championship - Page enters first, not through the crowd because he's now a dastardly HEEL. Nash enters second, because he didn't want to hear me steal Lady Miss Carrie's "I just GOTS to put myself over" line. Goldberg enters third because the Champ should ALWAYS enter last no matter how big a pop you get from your overblown entrance. You want my prediction? SCREWJOB! No, just kidding. I say Page wins because it's like the giant reset button that populates a lot of Star Trek plots - and we all know what everyone's favourite new WCW logo comparison is! If Page wins, we don't have to worry about PPV reshuffling, see? Plus, like at Spring Stampede, he's probably still the man least likely to win. Hey, didn't these four wrestle at Spring Stampede in this match, except with Hogan instead of Nash? Would you say this proves that people who buy pay-per-view cards are idiots? Mull that over while Randy Anderson holds the belt high and we take this ad break!

Well, the match started during the commercial break. Sigh. Page is apparently sitting in the front row seats, content to watch the other three punch and kick each other. Goldberg is pretty much in control as we see Page jump back over the railing and stalk on the outside of the ring. Goldberg plants Sting and covers - only 2. Page gets up on the apron and attacks Goldberg from behind. Swinging neckbreaker for 2 - Nash dives to make the save, as if Goldberg needed saving. Now all four men going at it. I guess if this were really a four corners match, two people would be waiting to tag in, right? Stinger splash on Page! Stinger splash on Nash! Stinger splash on Goldberg! But Nash stops Sting. Big boot for Goldberg. Big boot for Page. Big boot for Sting. But before Nash can hit the jackknife, Goldberg takes him out. Goldberg stomping away. Choke on Page. Elbow on Page, who falls out of the ring. Nash elbows Goldberg. I guess they're not friends anymore. More elbows for Goldberg. Some short for Sting for good measure. Sting turns it around and hits a ten punch count along on Nash - Page pounding from behind at 9. Page hits punch number ten on Nash. Elbow on Nash. Elbow on Nash. Goldberg finally spins him around, headbutts him and hits a dropslam. Gutshot for Sting. Whip on Sting while Nash gets a 2 count. Stinger splash on Goldberg! Nash covers Goldberg, Sting pulls him off. Page elbows Goldberg in the back. Nash sidewalk slam on Sting for 2. Goldberg with a reverse kick on Page - Nash tries to cover but only gets 2. Nash and Sting try successive covers and are unsuccessful. Nash on Sting in one corner, Nash on Goldberg in the opposite corner. Big boot misses in the corner - Nash's head meets the turnbuckle several times. Sting has Nash in the Scorpion Deathlock - he breaks it to meet Goldberg - who spears him! Jackhammer? Yes! RANDY SAVAGE is in and HE breaks up the pin. Huh? He dumps Goldberg over the top rope. Savage throws an object to Page - yup, the knux. Knux shot to Nash - Diamond Cutter on Nash - 1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new World Heavyweight Champion (between 8 and 9 minutes) Tony: "What does this do for Slamboree?" Nothing, dumbass - the Champ is still Page. Better to ask when Psychosis gets his return match!

9 matches, about 62 minutes

GOD the Flair bit was pathetic. If he can come up with all those booking instructions, how crazy is he? How do they explain that the 72 hours Piper kept talking about ended last THURSDAY? Why throw a Scott Hall cameo in there? Do they actually think these things are GOOD IDEAS?

Ah, but the matches were pretty good (except that "Hardcore" thing). It's just so....I guess it's a potential thing. I mean, you root for BOTH shows to put on the best product, and then you find so many LITTLE things that it makes it hard to really sit down and ENJOY. Well, only if you're a critic. Thankfully, I'm a critic. Please take this into account when you bitch and moan to me in email. Ha!