Patrick Boyle: See, Monday night was a perfect example. Did you hear the crowd reaction for the first title change versus the second title change? Sting is the man they wanted to have the belt. They popped like mad after he won and definitely, definitely did not after DDP won it back. If the same thing happened over at Titan and Vince had a guy get a pop like that, he would make him champ for life. Just shows the difference in mindsets right now. Give the fans what they want and what is good (let's face it, Sting carried that match to make it great) versus shoving angles down the fan's throats (DDP still gets a mixed reaction because the fans just don't know what to do with him).

Jabel Morales, the VMan of Mana, forces me to get my Spanish in check: it is "[Wrestler 1] contra [Wrestler 2] por el titulo del campeonato mundial de Peso Crusero." So there.

And finally, one more person who doesn't get it:

Your reference to The Trenchcoat mafia was tasteless and not even the slightest bit funny.How would you like it if your little brother or sister would have been killed in that seneless act of violence.Usually your column entertains me but i didn't even bother to read it today as i was sickend by your refernce ......

My "reference," I believe, was a statement to the effect of "this is a Trenchcoat Mafia reference-free recap" on the main page, referring to last week's recap. I'm sorry if you were SICKENED by the fact that I said up front that I wasn't gonna make any references, but geez, get a grip on yourself. Is it a CRIME for me to FAIL to contribute to the hype and overkill that's sprung up from this thing? God knows there's more than enough pulp being generated and you can say all you want, but you're not gonna UNDO it, so move on already.

Of course, in the interests of complete disclosure and hypocrisy, I must point out that I'm addicted to watching the "Jenny Jones trial" on CourtTV. I can't lose! If Jenny Jones loses, Time/Warner is stuck with a huge settlement, so can LAUGH and LAUGH at them! If they *don't* lose, I can LAUGH and LAUGH at Geoffrey Fieger, cause he's annoys the SHIT out of me!

WCW - it's good for you like chicken soup!

TV-PG-DV it's a limo! It's Flair on the phone to Charles! He's got Double A, Double D (nurse), and - oh God help us all, a bus full of mental patients on the way to Nitro with him. Arn's expression pretty much sums up how I feel about this. IN THE FIRST MINUTE OF NITRO, I HAVE ALREADY BEEN TURNED AGAINST IT. It's not MY fault - they DRIVE me to it!

LAST WEEK clip montage - Piper, Dillon, Robinson, Page, Flair, Hall, Sting wins title, Goldberg/Sting match booked, Nash challenges four-way, Sting foolishly accepts, Savage throws knux to Page, Page wins title by pinning Nash, I bet we see this montage later in the show just to annoy me.

Opening credits

RIKI RACHTMAN is back - ugh - Flair's on his way to Charlotte and he's bringing loonies with him. Yup. Hey, look, it's the NITRO GIRLS! Well, five of 'em, anyway.

FIREWORKS! are loud and bright and it must be time for another three hours of WCW Monday NITRO! We are LIVE from the Charlotte Colesium in Charlotte, NC in the jungle, brutha 3.5.99 and on the airwaves of Turner Network Television!

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone and Bobby Heenan - crowd chants "We want Flair" but I wonder if they want THIS Flair.

Gorgeous George trains. Allegedly. It's a little early for this kind of gratuitous T&A, isn't it?

nitrogirls.com hype - it's all new! Or something. I learned on that site that what Spice finds attractive in a man is "wit, kind heart, confidence, personality and, oh, yes, a great butt!!" Hell, that describes me TO A T, baby!

Well, okay, my butt doesn't warrant two exclamation points...

Let's Take a Special Video Look at Flair signing himself over into the sanitarium. Sigh.

Riki Rachtman interviews JERRY NADEAU, who drove to an exciting Top 20 finish (meaning he finished 20th) in yesterday's California 500 - so naturally they talk about his eighth place finish at Talladega instead - very wise. Coming up at Daytona, the premiere of the Goldberg car! Can you feel the excitement! Riki throws it back to his evil stepfather, Tony Schiavone, who says it's time to shut up and wrestle (well, he ALMOST said it)...

SCOTT & STEVE ARMSTRONG v. REY NO MYSTERIO, JR. & (billy) KIDMAN in a nontitle match - Let Us Take you Back to last week where the Armstrongs just barely MANAGED to overcome a single man, ending that Curse we've been hearing about. Scott takes the mic and says that even though this is a nontitle match, they're going to prove to the world that they're Championship material. Champs enter to "Psycho" because it's Konnan's song. Three way Championship match at Slamboree, Raven and Saturn, the Horsemen, and the Champs. Steve and Kidman start - that Steve's a Pistol. Kidman reverses into a hammerlock, back elbow, off the ropes, duck, 'rana, dropkick, dropkick to Scott, Armstrongs scatter and Rey is tagged in. Scott and Rey in now. Rey poses to the crowd. Lockup, to the corner, big time pounding, whip into the opposite corner, nice follow lariat, Scott's dander is up and the crowd's a-booin'. Off the ropes, Rey slides through, right hands, off the ropes, up and down, Rey takes him over, there's a dropkic, nice snapmare, tag to Kidman. Arm wringer, off the ropes, Steve holds the top rope and Kidman goes out. Steve pounds on Kidman on the outside, whip into the barricade - Scott distracting referee "Blind" Randy Anderson. Where's Rey during all this? Slid back in. Tony sucks up to Flair even now. Whip into the corner, Steve misses a charge - Kidman climbs the ropes - bulldog - Tag to Rey - super Thesz press - Scott comes in and Rey goes down. Off the ropes - springboard, somersault - Scott catches him but gets pushed into the corner. Steve punches from behind - Rey up and over - pushes into Kidman who hits a short powerbomb for 2. Scott punches Kidman, who doubles over - in the opposite corner, Steve whips Rey, who flips over his partner into a 'rana on Scott. Steve tries to powerbomb Kidman - YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN! Steve on top - Rey runs at Kidman who flips him up for the Frankensteiner - 1, 2, 3. (4:07) The VANILLA MIDGETS are out to attack the Champs "after this grueling match" and here's RAVEN & SENSATIONAL PERRY SATURN - Horsemen quickly leave the ring. Raven & Saturn help up the Champs - who promptly start shoving. Raven with the Evenflow on Kidman, Saturn with the DVD on Mysterio. The Horsemen are back in with the Chair and taking care of bidness. Benoit with the drop toehold into the chair on Raven. Crippler crossface on Saturn while Malenko puts on the badmouth, the four fingers AND the spit. Tejas Cloverleaf on Raven as we go out. Fans love it, despite the fact that they're clearly not supposed to. Schiavone shills the WCW Hotline.

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by VALVOLINE!

WCW/NWO Superstar Series videotapes - now featuring Goldberg and Diamond Dallas Page!

Slamboree is SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!

It's a major onsale announcement! Friday buy tickets for Houston for Nitro, Cincinnati, Cleveland for Nitro, Buffalo, Baltimore for the Great American Bash, and Atlanta for Nitro! Saturday buy tickets for Washington for Nitro!

Here's a Special Video Look at Goldberg

DANCIN' CAT (with Sonny Onoo) v. BUFF IS THE STUFF - Cat calls Buff "little lady" which is about as exciting as this can get. Incredibly, the "you suck" chant isn't turned down. After the five seconds, Cat turns around to see Buff pose - so he hits him with a crescent kick. Ha! Buff quickly turns it around with some arm drags and a dropkick - Cat goes outside and plays with the fans. Something gets muted here. Tony turns "bro" for a minute there to talk to the Cat. Cat, back in, offers the Hand of Friendship(tm). Don't know why it's the left hand, unless they're both Boy Scouts...anyway, to an arm wringer, to a top wristlock, Cat fights out of it with palm thrusts and whops - off the ropes, duck, arm drag from Buff. This match would be a classic example of why it isn't ALWAYS preferable to have wrestling as opposed to a good story. Cat manages to throw Buff out so Sonny can get some kicks in while Cat distracts referee "Blind" Mickey J. Tony *actually* tries to make us think Cat has a chance in this match. If any match BEGGED for a commercial break, this would be it. Buff back. Swinging neckbreaker nets 2. Whip into the opposite corner - Onoo holds on and the monkey flip fails. Cat with a savat kick. Choke is on. Thesz press-alike for 2. Off the ropes, head down - Sunset flip, Cat sits down and punches away at the head. James Brown impression results in the completed Sunset flip. Cat with a kick or something. I've stopped paying attention. God, I can't go on. It's just too much for me. I cannot handle the intricate ballet that is the Cat and Buff Bagwell. Anybody who actually reads this far is in for a real treat, you know. Normally I'm DEEP into some REAL boring play-by-play, NOBODY likes it but it makes the report extra long and can kill a LOT of time if you're REALLY bored and can manage to turn my words into mental pictures of the match in question. What was my point again? Oh yeah, I bet Ric Flair shows up right around the time that RAW starts. Buff's coming back again, you know. I bet this match ends with a Buff Blockbuster and a pin. Oh yeah, I forgot that Sonny Onno has to mistakenly kick his own man, first. OK. (Buff Blockbuster -> pin 8:45) - Cat chases Sonny out and Buff poses. It's Crunch Time and Nestle Crunch provides the replay of Sonny Onoo kicking his own man - a kick SO devastating it causes Cat to wander over to the corner where Buff lies in wait, doing a flip off the corner into the slop drop for the pinfall! Wow! Can you hardly WAIT for the Scott Steiner/Buff Bagwell United States Heavyweight title match Sunday at Slamboree?

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Bashin' Brawlers ("Heygetoffmy - NOSE!"), Slim Jim, America (ha!) Online, Hot Pockets from Hot Pockets, and Judge Wapner for Singer Asset Scam Finance

Wanna join a secret society devoted to WCW? Well, tough, you're not special enough.

DJ RAN is all up in my area, Peter Piper style. Run DMC sure was cool - FOURTEEN YEARS AGO. Well, okay, they're cool now.

Well I was off by ten minutes. A limousine pulls up and here they are. After an excruciating walk to the ring, THE MAN arrives, along with the NURSE DOUBLE D, ARN ANDERSON, CHARLES ROBINSON, JAMES J. DILLON - various assorted NUTSOS having dawdled in the back, apparently. GENE O. works tonight! Flair says he's back - he wants Savage, Gorgeous George, Page, Sting, and Goldberg in the ring. Flair proves what a company man he is by trying to cut a promo on Robinson's behalf for the Robinson/George match at Slamboree. Next up, Flair announces he's booked himself against Page for the World title. You know, that nurse ain't bad lookin' but that's really NOT her colour as far as lipstick goes. We get a quick shot of some more breasts and Randy Savage as we go to ad break - now don't you DARE change the channel or you'll miss the breasts!

Guy drives with cardboard cutout of Goldberg to get in the carpool lane - and then....there's a WCW logo! I....ummmm....er.....I THINK it was funny...but...well it makes no sense! The perfect WCW promo, in other words!

RANDY SAVAGE, MADUSA, GORGEOUS GEORGE and MISS MADNESS are out now at two minutes to RAW. Madusa's skirt apparently needs constant adjustment - poor Madusa, all that fidgeting. Flair fires Savage, who beats up SECURITY so the cops can arrest him. Flair's got Gorgeous George as the other three are removed from the ring. Robinson gets mic time - he tells George that his strategy is to buy her a pack of gum "'cause everybody knows that a bimbo can't chew gum and walk at the same time!" and then he does a Naitch dance. So George lightly taps him on the back of the head and down he goes. Before she can make sure her breasts are still in her top, the nurse has her by the throat and there's the chokeout. Gene removes his coat, what a gent - Flair has George removed and FINALLY gets some boos (ha!) Flair turns to Page and says all the ads are gonna be wrong - tonight he'll win the title, and Sunday he'll beat Nash. Finally, regarding Sting and Goldberg - Sting's "a punk," and on Goldberg's best day he "couldn't get ME or Double A going." Well, here's (THIS IS) STING in the ring as Flair says over and over "you ain't the Franchise!" One punch drops Flair. Everybody hides behind the nurse. Flair calls out COLD BEER and there HE is. Flair says "you ain't the man! HE'S the Man!" And Goldberg punches Flair just for kicks. And now Sting and GOldberg are going at it. Security vainly tries to break it up - and fails. They're back at it. Neither man doing anything that really hurts the other guy, apparently. Now Dillinja, the security, AND the cops are between the two men. And, by God, if THIS doesn't make you want to buy Slamboree, well I don't blame you. Whoops, somebody let Sting run back at Goldberg. Goldberg roars. ROAR! Once again the two men are separated, and this time they don't let Sting get another shot at him.

TONIGHT! Flair vs. Page for the title! They JUST put this graphic together!

You know, it's too EASY to just take pot shots at Tony's overall LOOK. I prefer to limit my invective to his inane commentary, so I believe I shall postpone. They keep talking and talking - are they waiting for an ad on RAW? It don't WORK that way! Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where Sting and Goldberg hit each other a lot. Hey, those "WCW SECURITY" shirts have the OLD WCW logo!

Closed captioning sent to you by WESTERN UNION!

Onsale announcements only get ONE free mention from me!

Backstage, Ric Flair tells Stevie Ray he's the man. And if he can take out Kevin Nash, he can have a WCW cheque for $100,000. Stevie Ray says "breaking necks and cashing cheques" and - I guess there's a match later??

Hey, look! Fyre and Jazz (allegedly) dance!

HAK (without Chastity) v. BAM BAM BIGELOW in a hardcore match - This match gets a special little "HARDCORE MATCH" graphic, just so you know it's a hardcore match. Hak has a ladder and cane, but no Chastity - guess she's off making another (ahem) film. Bigelow has a cart full of plundah. I get several letters from people who took me to task for being so down on last week's four way match. So instead, I'll take Heenan's advice - "you can't call this match - you just sit back and enjoy it." Oooh. Ahhh. Hey, look at that! Wouldn't it be funnier if Bigelow yelled out "SURRRRGE!" while he hit him with that? Did Hak just call himself "stone cold?" Doesn't referee "Blind" Nick Patrick's ponytail just look a LITTLE BIT funny? Tuesday night Diamond Dallas Page appears on the Tonight Show! Tony misidentifies a table as a "chair." I'm sorry, this just ain't my bag, baby. Damn, Patrick's been eatin' kinda well, too, hasn't he? This match isn't long enough - oh no - it's time for an AD BREAK!

When we come back, this match is still going on. Well, no matter what they do, they're still not staying down for a three count. Is the crowd chanting "boring?" I can only hope. The cane is pretty much destroyed but that won't stop Hak from using it some more! Two more tables in the ring - that probably won't be enough to stop them either. Bigelow with a superplex through the two tables - aw shit we can't even get a clean ending here since NASTY BRIAN KNOBBS is out with a garbage can of his own. Can shot on Bigelow, again, again, one more, one more, oh boy this is fun. Now Knobbs is hitting can shots interspersed with can shots from Hak. Hak takes a shot at Knobbs just for fun so Knobbs levels HIM. Another garbage can on Bigelow. Table thrown on top of the garbage can. Knobbs promises a nasty sensation at Slamboree. Don't tell me we get no decision. What a fucking waste of my time. (No decision 13:46) Crowd boos - yer damn right. Can you IMAGINE how pissed I would have been if I'd actually bothered to provide you with play by play commentary? Hey WCW, I won't do the NEXT hardcore match either.

In the locker room, Stevie Ray finds the rest of the NWO Black'n'White and tells them Flair offered them fifty thousand dollars to take out Nash - hey, get it? This is FUNNY! We pan over to a nearby bathroom where Triple A exits a stall and acts loony.

Let's Take a Special Video Look at Rowdy Roddy Piper. I guess when Piper foreshadows "You're Cuckoo's Nest, buddy!" we ... nah, that's too much thinking. My head hurts.

Triple A, God knows why, finds Kevin Nash and tells him that the Black and White are out for him for a million bucks. He doesn't know why Ric would do that, 'cause he's his FRIEND, woooo. You know what? Everybody loves Triple A. BUT I DON'T.

KONNAN v. HORACE (hogan) - Konnan wears FUBU - you're not gonna tell me he's a BROTHER, too! Hey, here's my dream Konnan interview: "Yo yo yo, let me speak on dis - orale!" Crowd: "Shut up!" Konnan: "Arriba la raza!" Crowd: "You suck white boy!" I thought Horace was out looking for Nash. Konnan's taking on Stevie Ray at Slamboree and he DARES the black and white to bum rush him tonight, 'cause he's been talkin' with his peeps, or something. Nice girdle, Konnan! Poor Konnan, his camoflauge pants are so tight and his balls are so big he has to shake things around, just to keep the circulation going! Crowd is looking at something that isn't this match so we cut to an angle that doesn't have the crowd in it. By not bothering to do play by play for THIS match, I'm not really being fair - to Horace. Of course, the commentators are talking about Sting and Goldberg, so you know that I'm only following the example that I'm being set. I'm still a little worried this match will go 21 minutes and end with no decision, too. Again I notice the crowd is watching something up near the cheap seats and not the "action" in the ring. Tony sends his best wishes to Hollywood Hogan - I'm gonna puke. Can you believe it - as the Tequila Sunrise is slapped on, the NWO rushes the ring (DQ 8:08 State) and puts a beatdown on Konnan. Save is made by ... KEVIN NASH? Well, commentators are befuddled because THEY were not privy to the SECRET goings on backstage that you and I have seen! And I must admit, it looks a little confusing to see Nash and Konnan on the same side of a fight. Cut to Stevie Ray, who says "fruit booty" again - I *love* it when he does that. Anyway, Nash and Konnan activate their Wonder Twin powers - bah.

Back in the truck, there's a mental patient in the truck - whee - so the commentators can see THIS but they can't see

Flair, Anderson and Robinson welcome David Flair and Samantha (hey! Samantha's back and she's HOT!) - Ric says he feels that what David did was in his best interests, and he wants to thank him. Tonight he can wrestle on Nitro! After he leaves, he turns to Arn and tells him to "book him with Meng." Then he asks Robinson to go find Meng and "tell him David said he couldn't go." Ho ho ho, hijinks abound!

Slamboree is SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!

HENRY R. NOTHHAFT is in my local promo set! HANK'S THE MAN! CONCENTRIC IS THE NETWORK! GET DOWN, HANK!

Backstage, we see a red SUV/limousine combo. Who's in it? Why, it's that Piper feller. He's apparently heard Flair say something about making love to his wife. Piper's doing a lot of ranting and raving to no one in particular...hey, wait, the commentators can see THIS bit? He walks by David and Samantha - by some cops - and he takes a garbage can and clears out some loonies with it. He beats up on Flair until a cop pulls him away - open-handed slap to the cop! Nutshot - more pounding as the loonies make funny noises around him. Piper reminds us that he scares Flair (hey, that's SO 1992!) Piper grabs a nearby convenient "Reality (check)" T shirt and puts it on Flair - then he pours ice water on him. Then the loonies make funny noises.

You know, Ric Flair deserves a hell of a lot better than this crap. Oh, wait, I've said that before. Well, it bears repeating, dammit.

WCW New Logo - New T-shirt - New chance to blow some cash!

Backstage, Flair comes across Scott Steiner, then inflames him to get after Nash. Steiner's happy to comply. Huh?

DJ Ran is all up in my area. Ooh, that bass is all distorted. Oh, and Jazz and Kimberly stand nearby.

Time for a press conference involving Lex Luger and Miss Elizabeth - complete with fake static - so I guess it ISN'T time for that press conference. Boy, I'll stay tuned in case they can clear up that signal!

TONIGHT - Ric Flair vs. DDP! Ye better stay tuned!

Scott Steiner makes his way to a dressing room. "Hey Rey, you seen Nash?" "Yeah, he's in there." Except, like, that's Buff Bagwell. No matter, Steiner beats up HIM instead. Steiner says that his ass is his at Slamboree. "Ass" isn't even muted!

Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! I think I saw Kimberly's nipples through that shirt! I KNOW I saw Spice's headlights! Damn, I never remember getting so excited over a G-rated show! Somebody vidcap this for me! I'm SO lonely!

You know Spice is a chiropractor? I can imagine her on her knees working over my back...oh sorry

The Nitro Girls play with the mental patients - I wish I were a mental patient

THE MONSTER MENG (with cool pants) v. DAVID SAMMARTINO - ERR, FLAIR (with Torrie Wilson) - well, I guess they've finally decided we all knew she was Torrie Wilson anyway, as the graphic seems to imply we've given up on the rasslin' name for the hot babe. Tony: "You wanna make the first comment about the girl? Go ahead." Heenan: "What does he see in her?" Lockup, Meng shoves him off. Punch, chop (woooo!), but Meng shrugs it off and chops him to the mat. David tries again, Meng head butts him. In the corner, chop (woooo!), and down goes David. Maybe Torrie should throw in the towel - and if no towel's available, she could remove her dress! Again David tries the chop and nothing doing. I think David FINALLY figured out his situation and a look of fear crosses him. Lockup, to the corner - David kicks, kick, chops (woooo!), chops (woooo!), more of the same - Meng with the atomic drop to stop it. Tongan backrake! I wonder if they'll take an ad break during this match - ha! Meng on him - shove into the corner - elbow. David comes back but it has no effect - chop from Meng takes him down. Head to the buckle. Meng with another knife-edge chop (woooo!). Front facelock - vertical suplex. He's winding up for the Tongan Death Grip - got it. Referee Charles "Little Naitch" Robinson counts a pinfall (3:25). Meng turns to the camera and says "monganotuwabombagoofa." As he exits, THE MAN enters - after checking his son and calling for a stretcher, he makes eyes and pelvic thrusts at Torrie. Flair follows out the stretcher, saying "Send me away again!" Wait, so the good guy in this situation is....?

Riki hypes Nitrogirls.com one more time.

Let's Take a Special Video Look at Diamond Dallas Page! Why the hell not? Well, because tonight we have a title match between Page and Flair! They come up with these graphics so FAST these days...

Tony and Bobby chat about tonight's big main event - don't you DARE think of changing the channel later!

Let's see Gorgeous George "work out" some more.

Why yes, that WAS the entire segment.

THUNDER! ad may be the last time you see Chastity for a while

This portion of Nitro is brought to you by the BEST MILKY WAY EVER - MILK IT!

Gene O. says "shank of the evening" and welcomes DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE, who comes out wearing the belt backwards so he can make a big show of turning it around. Don't forget, Tuesday night Page will be on the Tonight Show! Page goes to great lengths to not only remind us that he's not only the anomaly but that we all should hate him, dropping the names of Elway, Gretzky and Jordan in an attempt to draw boos. Turning to WRESTLING'S living legend, Page says that Flair is too old and has no chance. Say, who do you root for in a heel vs. heel matchup anyway? Why, we're in Charlotte - you root for FLAIR! Page says he sees a little bit of himself in Flair in a wacky turnaround. "Flair - to be the man, you gotta beat the man!" Sign in crowd: "SHUT UP!!!"

Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls!

CURT HENNIG v. BOOKA T. for the World Television Championship - helpful graphic specifies this a "WORLD TV TITLE MATCH" - thanks! Hennig comes out to Barry Windham's music - hey, whatever happened between Arn and Barry Windham back on that one THUNDER! anyway? Speaking of which - last week on THUNDER! Stevie Ray and the "slapjack" prevented Hennig from winning the television title (not that he was gonna) much to Booker T's chagrin - as he was doing a pretty good job on his own. Later in that show, Rick Steiner confronted T about his brother's hijinks, sparking a brawl. T and Steiner are set to have a match at Slamboree, so I wonder who'll come out of this match with the title. No opening bell. Lockup, break. Lockup, arm drag takeover from Hennig. "Now that's an athlete!" T smiles - lockup, chain wrestling into a wristlock, more chain wrestling into a reversal, headlock, off the ropes, shoulderblock, leapfrog, Hennig with the cartwheel (!) and "That's two!" Smiles all around. Lockup, into a - reverse - off the ropes - dueling hiptosses and T wins it. Armdrag takeover from T and Hennig goes outside while T smiles some more. This is pretty good, yeah? Tony mentions the ten minute time limit - d'oh. T tries to grab the hair to bring him in, but Hennig drops into a hot shot - then drags the leg over to the post, where he wraps it around the STEEL. Hennig back in at the request of referee "Blind" Johnny Boone - kicking the back of the knee repeatedly to ground him. STEVIE RAY is out almost IMMEDIATELY - well, bloody hell, why have a match I can get into? (DQ 2:37) Hennig beats on Stevie Ray, back and forth, now RICK WOOF WOOF is out to beat up on Booker T for no really good reason. Katie bar the door it's a Pier 4 brawl. Steiner and T still fighting - big choke from Rick. Geez, you'd think his issue would be with Stevie Ray - well, Rick's always been a little confused...

Ric Flair vs. DDP is TONIGHT! You WILL worship this graphic!

Mortal Kombat is AFTER THAT!

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Smash'n'Slam wrestler action figures! David sunflower seeds! The Super Soaker CPS 2500 AND 3000! Motel 6 7/8! Hi-Ener-G scam pills! AND Hot Pockets, from Hot Pockets!

Let's Take A Special Video Look at Flair and Piper by way of promoting the Flair/DDP world title match - huh?

Backstage, one cop says to another "the people from the mental hospital don't have a release, so we have to go round them up." The second cop says "Let's go!"

WORLD TITLE MATCH graphic must mean it's time for an entrance, possibly followed by an ad break. Why look, following the entrance of the challenger (the challenger SHOULD always enter first!), it's time for an ad break! Just before we cut out - the commentators notice - why - CHARLES ROBINSON IS THE REFEREE! Somehow, this is a shock. Ha!

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (who will be on the Tonight Show Tuesday night) v. THE MAN for the World Heavyweight Championship - Page comes out wearing the belt backwards so he can make a big show of turning it around when he walks out. Page rips up a sign to show how evil he is these days. I wonder if I should bother with play-by-play...sigh. Tony says maybe we can get to that Luger announcement Thursday - or Saturday. Whatever. In the corner Page punches away, then chokes - into the opposite corner, big back bodydrop. Anybody seen Scott Hall tonight? Page says "BANG!" Off the ropes, Page knocks him down, then stomps away, choke, elbowdrop, and he demands to Flair that he get up. Flair with a punch, chop (woooo!), again (woooo!), again (woooo!), to the opposite corner, hip toss, Page goes outside, Flair follows. Chop (woooo!), chop (woooo!), Page fires back - trading punches now. Page takes Flair to the STEEL barricade, and again. Standing on the throat. Robinson out to try to get them separated. Flair taken to the rail again. But Flair fires back with a chop (woooo!) Page with a punch, Flair with a chop (woooo!), Page to the safety railing, and again, moving further down the aisle. Page kinda sorta elbows him and takes him to the railing again. Kick, head to the railing. Flair manages a chop (woooo!), and again (woooo!). Golotta which Robinson somehow misses. Flair walks all the way back to the ring to "break the count." Har har. Another low punch from Flair. Robinson tells Page to get in the ring. Page manages a Golotta of his own. Flair rolls back in the ring - Page follows. Flair ounches, chops (woooo!), off the ropes with a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Another cover but only 2. Pretty much a real 2, not a Robinson 2. Page punches, elbows, elbow, elbow, elbow on the other side, kick, Flair turns it around and chops away (woooo!) then works on the body. Punch to the jaw. Patented kneedrop. 1, 2, no. Whip into the opposite corner is reversed, big back bodydrop from Page. 1, 2, no - a little slower this time by the referee. Page stands on the throat. Knee. Into the corner - FLAIR FLIP! and down and out to the mat. Page follows and puts the boots to him. Another stand on the throat. Robinson tells Page to get off of him - and Page complies - for a couple seconds. Then he's back on him. Page drags Flair back into the ring - suplexing him in. 1, 2, no. Page and Robinson talk about the fine art of counting pinfalls. Page with rights. Another right. Page mocks. Flair punches back - Page with a punch, Flair with a chop (woooo!) - Flair to the top - DON'T DO IT FLAIR! THAT NEVER WORKS! Page catches him and beals him in. Robinson gets into position ......... 1, 2, no. Elbow to a sensitive area - figure four is on! Fans drum up support for Flair. Robinson counts the shoulders down for 2 and is relieved that the shoulder comes up. Flair manages to get to the bottom rope. Break at 4. Another elbowdrop to the nether regions. Figure four reapplied - but Flair is blocking the leg - hold borken! Page with rights and lefts - Flair with an eyepoke and a chop (woooo!), again (woooo!) and again (woooo!) to take him down. Off the ropes, foot caught, spins him around but there's a lariat for 2. Page to the rear chinlock. Page removes some tape from his wrist and chokes away. Robinson apparently can't see it. Flair going out - 2 count - Page has his feet on the second rope - Robinson just misses it. Page gets rid of the tape. Elbowdrop misses. Flair with a gutshot - trading punches - Flair chopping (woooo!), Page with an eye gogue - whip into the corner - FLAIR FLIP! to the top rope - THE DOUBLE AXEHANDLE HITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Crowd realises they're seeing history and goes apeshit. Flair chops him down , he gets up, Flair chops him again - while this is going on RANDY SAVAGE & GORGEOUS GEORGE make their way to the ring - aw shit - PLEASE give me some sort of clean finish here - figure four is on - Gorgeous George is in the ring - pull the hair of Flair - Flair almost gets the top (good for him!) in return, copping a free feel anyway - meanwhile, the knux have been passed. Flair KO'd. Page covers but there's Robinson has chased off Savage and George - SCOTT DICKENSON is in and counts the pinfall. Okay, that ending works for me. (13:19) Replays of what you just saw.

7 matches, 54:07. I NEED A VACATION! I'll see you late next week - but if there's any justice at all in this world, the NBA Playoffs will pre-empt this show and give ME a break. GO KINGS!