"More than anything, I'm just amazed at the utter lack of anything to complain about..." Who wrote, that Scaia or Scherer? Please. Jesus, Rick, put the bourbon down already. Admitting you have a problem is the first step. Thank you.

Hey, lookitme! I'm BITING THE HAND THAT FEEDS ME!

Anyway, now that that's out of my system...

World Championship Wrestling - butcher on site!

This limousine pulling up is rated TV-PG-DV! Hey, there's Asya! There's Flair! There's Anderson! There's ... DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE? And there's Robinson! And there's some studio lighting!

And here's some FIREWORKS! WE MUST BE LIVE 17.5.98 from the Five Seasons Centre in Cedar Rapids, IA (where they apparently invented a fifth season) for WCW MONDAY NITRO, broadcast on Turner Network Television!

Backstage, we see Charles Robinson walk up to a door with the WCW Presiedntial emblem on it - rip a Roddy Piper namecard off the door - and replace it with one with Ric Flair's.

GENE O. works tonight and immediately interrupts Tony to bring out THE MAN - Gene wastes no time revealing the storyline by saying "and is he prez or not?" Ric's accompanied by ARN ANDERSON, ASYA, and CHARLES ROBINSON. Heh heh, "Asya." It's so clever, isn't it? "Asya." Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha....damn, the cleverness of it all just floors me. God DAMN WCW is the coolest on earth. Flair gives the mic to Anderson first - Anderson says he's not nuts (what does THAT mean, har har?) and also, he GUARANTEES that Malenko and Benoit will win the tag team titles from Raven & Saturn TONIGHT. Flair wants to get one thing straight "IIIII - AAAAAM - WOOOO! - THE - PRESIDENT!" and Eric Bischoff has no right walking into a building, much less reversing decisions and whatnot. "Ted Turner - if you don't move Bischoff out, I'm comin' to get Fonda, and if Fonda rides Space Mountain, I'll run the entire Turner empire!" Flair stops his interview to tell a fat boy to shut up. Flair announces a mixed tag tonight - himself and Charles Robinson against Randy Savage and Gorgeous George. Charles' suit looks a lot like Flair's, now that I notice. Flair says Bischoff's OTHER call of Slamboree isn't gonna stand, either - tonight Nash defends against Page. Now, if you're me, you might say "Gee, why doesn't he just re-reverse the decision and give the belt outright to Page?" but we'll let that go. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE walks out and tells everybody that he got SCREWED while the crowd chants "Sexy." Page says since Nash has Bischoff in HIS pocket, it's time he brought some help of his own - and he invites BAM BAM BIGELOW out to tell us that he's got Page's back. Page promises that he'll be the "three-time, three-time, three-time" yadda yadda yadda. Flair says tonight will be one of the all-time great Nitros of all time, or something. Flair, admittedly, isn't acting as nuts as usual, praise the Lord. Tony says we still didn't get an answer if Flair's the president or not, but later tonight we'll get Tonight Show clips featuring Kevin Nash, so it's all good!

This portion of Nitro brought to you by VALVOLINE! You can always tell the guys who use Valvoline! (On what?)

Here's an onsale announcement! Friday tickets go on sale for Lake Charles, Alexandria, Lafeyette for THUNDER!, Milwaukee, and Chicago for Nitro! Saturday, tickets on sale for New Orleans for Nitro and Ft. Wayne!

TONIGHT: Mixed Tag! They ALREADY have graphics ready! DAMN they work fast! Pix of Savage, George, Miss Madness, and Madusa - and Flair, Robinson, and Asya.

DJ RAN is all up in your area - and he's got a shout out for his man Big Sexy. Make some noise! Then he makes a Flair-esque "woooo!" just to confuse us.

Here's a Special Chat with Eric Bischoff, whose hair is coming back in nicely. I know better, but here's a transcript: "I meant exactly what I said when I came out during Piper and Flair's match, and reversed the decision, and when I looked at Roddy Piper and I said 'Look, I've screwed a lotta things up, but I'm not gonna screw this up,' I meant EXACTLY what I said. I mean, it's no secret, you know, I worked hard and everybody worked in WCW worked hard for a long time to become the #1 Wrestling organization anywhere in the world - and we were #1 for a long time - 88 straight weeks, we dominated this industry. And now, it's a little more competitive than I'd like it to be. And maybe I got a little complacent. Maybe I wasn't paying as close attention as I should've, yeah maybe I got a little ... full of myself - there's no question about that. But I think the important thing is that I learned from that, and I learned from the mistakes that I've made. I've learned what it's going to take to make this company #1. There's no doubt in my mind that we will be again, because I believe that we have the best talent. I believe that we have the most committed employees. I believe that this organisation deserves to be #1 and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that we reach #1 again."

"It's a little more competitive than I'd like it to be."

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

You know, it was only 15 February when Bischoff was Flair's CHAUFFER. I guess three months is the expected memory retention of the average WCW fan.

But wait, I love how he tries to rest on his laurels by bringing up that 88-week ratings win streak. How many months ago was THAT? Three? Four? MORE?

So how can I resolve this?

"Fuck off, Cracka Eazy-E?"

Show you right!

"You're so BIASED against him. What have you got against him? You're just JEALOUS of him, aren't you."

Yeah, that's it.

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, BOBBY HEENAN, and A BOTTLE OF SURGE. Coincidentally, the two kids seated right behind the commentary table have Surge T-shirts. Or IS it a coincidence? If you've been living in a cage and missed it, your new World Heavyweight champion is Kevin Nash - and your new World TV Champion is Rick Steiner, who has reunited (and it feels so good) with his brother Scott over there on the Dark Side. Bret Hart reemerged from retirement to attack Goldberg, so let's go to

Here's a Special Video Look at Bret Hart and Goldberg, complete with super cool musical accompaniment and clips from Slamboree of Hart chairing Goldberg - and HERE, from the Tonight Show, is ... Kevin Nash ... let me check again ... yes, Kevin Nash ... Kevin Nash, who is NOT Goldberg ... okay ... Kevin Nash, putting up $250,000 in a challenge to fight Bret Hart on the Tonight Show. Because, naturally, it only makes SENSE to have Kevin Nash stick up for Goldberg, because...because........because....

Tonight: Nash vs. Page! Quickie graphics department STRIKES again!

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Bashin' Brawlers ("Ohmyachin' - ARM!"), Slim Jim, America (ha!) Online, Lean Pockets from Hot Pockets, and Judge Wapner for Singer Asset Scam Finance

HENRY R. NOTHHAFT! On MY television screen! Hawking ConcentricWireless! YEAH, HANK! YOU DA MAN!

Let's hear some more comments from Eric Bischoff. WELL WHY THE HELL NOT. Maybe he'll explain away the storyline plot holes... "Interference? Well, you can call it interference if you want to call it that. Ah, I simply did what I felt was right. During the Piper/Flair match, I did what I felt was right. Roddy Piper deserved to win that match - there was no doubt in my mind. And I did what I felt I had to do - and as far as the World Heavyweight title match between Kevin Nash and Diamond Dallas Page - anybody that saw that match, whether you were there live, whether you saw it on pay-per-view, whether you've seen it on the replay afterwards, it really doesn't matter. Anybody that saw that match knows that Kevin Nash clearly had Diamond Dallas Page beat before Randy Savage interfered. Now I did what I felt was right. Was it official? Was I operating in an official capacity? I don't think at that point I gave that much consideration. Quite frankly, I did what I thought I needed to do. And don't blame Nick Patrick. Clearly, Nick Patrick did what Nick thought was the right thing to do. Whether Randy Savage is getting involved in the match from the outside, or Eric Bischoff, or anybody else, the referee has the option of making the decision, and in this case, the decision is final. Kevin Nash is, and deserves to be, the WCW World Heavyweight Champion. There is no mistake about that in my mind, and there should be no mistake about that in anybody's mind, and just as I said that night, if Ted Turner's got a problem with it, if Harvey Schiller's got a problem with it, it reall doesn't matter. If the board of directors at Time/Warner has a problem with it, it really doesn't matter, because the referee's decision is final, and that's all that matters."

Well, that DOES explain Flair's nonreversal of the title bout. Okay, give 'em a point there. Geez, more Bischoff??

"Heh, well a lot of things are going to change. Umm, I've had a lot of time to look at the way I've conducted myself, the way I've conducted my business, the way I've treated people - umm, some of the decisions that I've made along the way - and, you know, I'm gonna be honest with myself, I've made a lot of good decisions and I've made some bad decisions. I think the key with any person, whether it's professionally or personally is to be able to be honest with yourself, to look - look at yourself in the mirror and realise that you've made mistakes. Ah, and then DO something about it. Do I expect that people are going to - to welcome me back into WCW with open arms? Absolutely not - I'm sure that I've made some enemies that will be lifelong enemies and that's unfortunate, and for that I - I really do feel bad but there's not a lot I can do about that - other than to change the way I conduct myself and to try to rebuild this company into what I think it CAN be, umm - I'm gonna do everything in my power to achieve that. I'm gonna do everything in my power to not only build this company to be #1 again, but if I don't get the opportunity to be "the president" of WCW, then I'm going to do everything I can to contribute in whatever way that I can, because I love this company - I love the opportunity that it's provided for me personally - I think everybody that knows me and that knows my history knows that I got a tremendous break back in 1993 when a guy by the name of Bill Shaw, ah, gave me the opportunity to really, ah, lead WCW to where I thought it could be and should be - umm, I got a tremendous break, and I owe a lot to Bill Shaw, and I owe a lot to this company, and I owe a lot to the employees - the guys behind the camera, the people in the offices, the people that really are working ten, 12, 14, 15 hours a day - THOSE are the people that I owe a lot to - and I'm gonna do everything I can, like I say, to contribute. And those that give me the opportunity to take another run at this thing, I'm grateful - those that can't find it in their hearts to hearts to forgive me, I understand."

Let's see - you're Eric Bischoff. Your company is getting it's ass handed to them by the other company - losing by as many as four ratings points. Things appear to be getting even worse. Morale is low amongst the locker room employees. How do you work to solve the problem? What's the first step you take?

That's right! You cut a series of promos in an attempt to rehabilitate your image!

In the limousine arrival area, Roddy Piper - and Eric Bischoff - arrive. They take turns saying "after you" and oh man, you can cut the humility with a knife.

MIKE "SCOOP" TENAY joins the commentators at the table. He's been trying to reach Bret Hart to get a response to Nash's Challenge. Hart WILL NOT appear on a WCW television program (but PPV's okay?) Tenay DID reach Hart - he's aware of the Challenge. He's "quite amused" that Jay Leno, NBC and the Tonight Show "now consider themselves wrestling promoters." And Tuesday, Hart will appear on the Tonight Show. Set your VCR's! Crowd, amused at not having seen wrestling for at least half an hour, chants "Ni-tro Girls!"

Here's a clip from Slamboree in jaggovision - Charles Robinson takes two chops, does a Flair flip and scales the turnbuckles...

CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE MATCH - EVAN KARAGIAS v. REY MYSTERIO, JR. - Tony takes great pains to explain why Piper/Flair couldn't be reversed, but Nash/Page COULD be since it was a referee's decision and not Bischoff's. Okay, we get it. Referee is "Blind" Scott Dickenson, so the guy who wrote me SWEARING he was laid off after last Nitro needs to write me back and explain himself to me. Ha! I think Evan's got a REALLY good chance to take the title tonight because he's not wearing a mask. Whoops, it hasn't even been two minutes and already he's going to the broncobuster. Evan pushes Rey off a Frankensteiner attempt, but Rey crotches him and hits it on his second attempt. 1, 2, 3. (2:12) Valvoline replay is - are you ready? - the cover and the three count. Whee. IT BEGINS.

Graphics tell us that tonight there'll be a mixed tag match.

Outside Flair's door, Robinson, Anderson, Malenko, Benoit - and Buddy Lee Parker? meet the President. He's gonna take Parker off the road and give him an office. All he needs to do is lay down for David Flair. Listen to the Internet fans get happy when they hear Flair say "Over the years every wrestling promoter has pushed their kid - Gagne pushed his kid, von Erich pushed his kid, Watts pushed his kid - well, I'm Ric Flair...I'm gonna push MY kid RIGHT down their throats!" My God, Flair suggesting Parker take a dive for David...it's like he's trying to FIX the outcome of this match! Parker reluctantly complies. Malenko: "We know you know the difference between right and wrong." Benoit: "We know how tough you are - now you're gonna show us how versatile you are." David, from behind the door, and with Torrie Wilson in tow, comes out and gets the good word from Flair. Flair actually reveals the ENTIRE plan to David - so I guess he's in on it now...? That doesn't really work with Saturday Night's match...oh I guess those don't count anyway. Torrie tells Ric "you better keep your promise." I'm guessing that THIS little clip goes completely unnoticed by our commentary heroes.

Gene O. welcomes BOOKA T. to the program, who tells us that it's own lahk neckbone and can u dig it. Gene is quick to stir the pot by asking about Rick Steiner. Booker asks us if we can dig it. He ain't axing for a rematch, he's calling him out right now! He's feeling a Harlem hangover tonight! Gene mentions Scott Steiner was around, and where's YOUR brother? Booker says his brother's got his own agenda and he's standing alone. He's the TRUE people's champion, and the people confirm it. "We ain't playin', we ain't jivin', we just business. Understand?" Booker T says he's seven time tag champ, six time TV champ, and tonight seven time TV champ, no diggity doubt. Can u dig it? Uhhhhhh! Booker T. scares the HELL out of Gene by giving him a big hug. I love Booker T. No matter what kinda shit's going on, he always keeps on keepin' on.

WCW MasterCard ad. But - but - Diamond Dallas Page is a HEEL now! He can't shill product! Plus, which, Bret Hart isn't even WORKING for WCW anymore! Right? Also, that WCW logo is OLD, MAAAAAN.

DAVID SAMMARTINO - ERR, FLAIR (with Torrie Wilson, the Horsemen and Asya) v. BUDDY LEE PARKER (no entrance) - Charles Robinson is "the first referee in history without pants." Lockup, to the corner, clean break. Lockup, side headlock from Parker, off the ropes, shoulderblock from Parker. Hiptoss from Parker - Flair up slow - clothesline - kickout at 1. Snapmare - side headlock held on by Parker. Flair counters with a headscissors, side headlock takeover of his own. Parker gets up - to the corner. Right hand from Parker, forearm from Parker - into the opposite corner, clothesline, Flair goes down. Stompin away. Now the Horsemen are up on the apron - Parker gives a "oh, what am I doin'?" look and begs off. Parker picks up Flair and there's a reversal in the corner. Flair chops away - off the ropes, hiptoss. Elbowdrop - misses! Tony, who DID see the previous segment, says "Buddy Lee wants to WIN this match!" Gutshot, scoop and a slam from Parker - to the top rope - kneedrop misses. Single leg takedown from Flair - figure four. Before Parker submits (I think), Robinson, calls for the bell. Well, Parker IS tapping, kinda. (2:40) Heenan isn't sure Parker actually went along with the plan, but it's quickly dropped. "Thus Spake Zarathustra" fires up again as Torrie gives Ric a buss on the cheek.

NEXT! The Mixed Tag match! This is the LAST time you see this set of graphics! And - Yes - WCW counterprograms the beginning of RAW with TITS!

Closed captioning sponsored by Meineke mooflers! Who's older - George Foreman or Ric Flair? Ponder that during this set of commercials!

APW returns to the Silicon Valley with a Saturday stop at the Silver Creek High School gymnasium! Saturday the 22nd at 1930! Gigolo Vinny Massaro gets his title shot - and so much more! All Pro Wrestling fever - catch it!

MIXED TAG TEAM MATCH - THE MAN & CHARLES ROBINSON (with Asya) v. RANDY SAVAGE & MADUSA (with Gorgeous George and Miss Madness) - I saw an "I ENJOY WRESTLING" sign! Too bad it was next to a "HATE FLAIR" sign. Ric takes the mic before the match and demands that they all show up right now. What Gorgeous George got is just a taste of what Savage and Madusa are gonna get. Apparently, George is on crutches so Madusa's taking her place. Huh? Madusa's wearing her "USA" outfit, and does something on the top turnbuckle that isn't G-rated, so the camera won't show it. Savage gets the mic and promises that the Madness will be paid, ooh yeah. Is it POSSIBLE that George isn't a great seller, but she really WAS injured? The mind boggles. Amazingly, Robinson and Madusa start. Referee is "Blind" Johnny Boone. Madusa points to Flair but no. Robinson teases a lockup but fluffs his hair, "woooo" and struts. Lockup, armdrag takeover by Robinson, and strut. Lockup, European uppercut by Madusa, arm wringer, single leg trip, Flair comes in, Savage comes in - but nothing comes of it. Back to Robinson and Madusa. Lockup, Robinson with an arm wringer, Madusa counters with one of her own - Robinson to the second rope, springs off and hits an arm drag. Sturt - but he gets PASTED by Madusa. ROBINSON FLOP! Flair walks off - as Madusa kicks, and pulls him into the centre of the ring. Crotch shot? Butt drop on the sensitive area! Simultaneous tags - Flair and Savage in. Lockup, to the ropes, off the ropes, shoulderblock by Savage, lots punches, right, left, right, Flair down, Flair up, Flair begs off - ten punch countalong by Savage. FLAIR FLOP! Kick by Savage - knife edge chop by Flair - completely no-sold by Savage - chokehold - but Flair hits a Golotta as Robinson distracts Boone. Tag to Robinson, who pounces on Savage - then punches away - but it has no effect on Savage. Hairpull - and toss across the ring. Tag to Madusa. Snapmare, snapmare, snapmare, head between the knees - the most gingerly-lookin' tombstone piledriver you've ever seen - 1, 2, foot on the rope(?) Well. Robinson pokes the eyes and tags Flair. But Madusa hits a droptoehold and then rides him like a pony. Chops aplenty (woooo!) from Madusa. Whip into the opposite corner - back bodrydrop doesn't really work and Flair ALMOST lands on his head. Oof. Flair manages a belly-to-back suplex on Madusa in retaliation. Crowd claps in unison, but I'm thinking it's time to go to school. Off the ropes, elbowdrop. Pelvic thrust in Savage's direction, distracting him for no apparent reason, as nothing comes of it. Leg across the bottom rope - buttdrop on the knee. Figure four? No, Madusa counters with an inside cradle for 2. Flair and Boone have a meeting of the minds - Boone shoves back - Madusa with a schoolboy for 2. Flair kicks out with authority. Another belly-to-back suplex on Madusa. And another attempt at a figure four - this one takes. Savage comes in and boots Flair, then hits Robinson. The hold is broken but no tag - Flair pulls her back - but Madusa hits a Golotta and then tags Savage. Down goes Flair! Down goes Robinson! Down goes Flair! Down goes Robinson! But Flair manages a shot on Savage - off the ropes - double clothesline ducked - double clothesline from Savage hits. Eyepoke - Flair to the top rope - THAT NEVER WORKS! Robinson to the top rope - he's ALSO bealed! Savage picks up Flair and shoves him into the corner - FLAIR FLIP! ROBINSON FLIP! Clothesline on the apron - Robinson bealed back in - Madusa on Flair on the outside while Savage slams Robinson - going up for the elbow - it hits! 1, 2, 3. Well, the crowd dug it. (8:55)

Still to come - will we see a Jackknife on Page like this clip from Slamboree? Graphic says "KEVIN NASH - WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION" in case you didn't yet know.

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by 3dfx!

DJ Ran makes his hourly waste of our time, imploring us to make some noise.

Gene O. welcomes ROWDY RODDY PIPER to the ring. Piper says he IS the President - then he sucks up to the locals. Piper says that Flair appeared in drag, he's got Robinson "stalking RuPaul," oh it gets worse, Y2K/KY jelly joke, "Phantom Menace"/Hillary Clinton joke - you can actually HEAR the crowd turning on him here. Ric "chases himself around the desk." Piper makes his weekly "Dennis Rodman" reference. Flair met Dr. Kevorkian - Kevorkian tried to kill himself. He thinks Viagra is the world's biggest waterfall. Hey, Piper, flop sweat - feel it! Hey, Piper, I've got a reality check for YOU - oh forget it. Piper calls out CRACKA EAZY-E. Piper berates him and Bischoff admits he screwed up and apologises. "I don't care if you believe me, quite frankly I don't blame you for not believing me." Bischoff is being booed out of the building, but Piper tells 'em to hold it down. "Give 'im a chance - I wanna hear this bunch of stuff!" Arrrrgh. "Judge me by what I do - not what I say." Piper scoffs at Bischoff's 180 - Bischoff tries to reiterate his desire to help make WCW #1 again - but RANDY SAVAGE's music fires up and out he walks with GORGEOUS GEORGE, MADUSA and MISS MADNESS. Bischoff offers a hand and Savage doesn't take it. Savage says he never liked him before and he doesn't like him now - but he wants a title shot. Piper tells him he's the Commissioner and he'll get his title shot. Savage says he's not leaving the ring until he's got a title shot with Big Sexy. Piper swats Savage away - George waffles him with a cane and Savage piledrives him. Then he takes Bischoff and slams him, garnering him the biggest face pop of the evening. But before he can drop the elbow BIG POOCHIE is out to protect his new best friend, Eric Bischoff. Tony tells us Madusa kicked Bischoff in the back of the head when the camera wasn't looking. Savage, on the outside, demands a title shot with Nash "because I think you're nothing but an ass, you understand? No guts! Come on Bischoff! Come on Piper! Give me a title shot with that geek! Hey, I got an idea. Why don't you hand it over to me like you did in the Georgia Dome to another guy in the past? Just go get the belt and hand it to me!" OOOOOOOOH. Nash says Savage must have already used his American Express on his dates (Oooooooh!) - "the first time around, it was a political move - this time, you want the belt from me? You pry it out of my dead hands!" Savage says he likes it better that way... Hey, George is walking JUST FINE now! Piper and Bischoff make a big show out of shaking hands. Now Nash and Bischoff shake hands. There, right there, are three guys that I sure could do without. Replays of what just happened - that was a pretty sweet kick from Madusa to the back of Bischoff's head.

Nash/Page tonight! The graphics don't lie!

Didn't Nash and Savage form the Wolfpack? I wonder why they're not friends anymore.

Here's a Special Video Look at Slamboree - clips of George pinning Robinson to get Savage reinstated (or, MORE reinstated after already being - aw nuts), Flair using an illegal object on Piper and Bischoff "reversing" the decision - Hart mucking up the Sting/Goldberg match and the Steiners attacking afterward - Nash winning the title thanks to our hero, Eric Bischoff - all in all, the best thirty bucks EVER spent on a pay-per-view experience!

HAK (with Pornstar and "Kendo stick") makes his way into the ring. "Yo! Man does something stink here in Cedar Rapids! Yo! You put your deodorant on today? I've told you people since my very first night in WCW that I am the most hardcore wrestler on the planet! I've told you since my very first night that I'm the King of Extreme! I've proved at UnCeNsOrEd when I beat Bam Bam Bagelow and I beat Raven and I became the Hardcore Champion. I called out Bigelow and I beat him to an inch of his career in Minnesota. I called out Big Sexy Kevin Nash - beat him to an inch of his career! I called out Bill Goldberg and I beat him within an inch of his career!" Suddenly on the video wall - "Hey Hak! Hak!" It's FIT FINLAY! "Listen to me! I'm sick of you tellin' everybody that YOU'RE the King of Hardcore - well where I come from IS hardcore! Get yourself ready with that stick, 'cause I'm comin' for you right now! I'm on my way!" "Well bring it on down Fit Finlay! Looks like he's gonna challenge ME tonight! You better put on some deodorant!" Boy, between "Yo!" and "deodorant," Hak is the man on the stick.

HAK (with Pornstar and "Kendo stick") v. FIT FINLAY in a Hardcore Match - Hak keeps talking. "Do you know what a Hardcore match is? ... I figure I might as well give him his last request before I execute him, so you want the mic, here it is." Hak hands over the mic, and Finlay flattens him with it! Yeah! Right hand. Finlay grabs the cane and canes him, then poke him in the gut with it, more cane shots, cane in the throat. Finlay tosses it aside - Hak manages to pull him into the turnbuckle. Left from Hak. Hak runs him into the turnbuckle again. Hak with the cane - choke with the cane. Elbowdrop from Hak, who goes outside to find hardware and pulls out a ladder from under the ring. Finlay manages a European uppercut, then pushes the ladder into him, then pushes him into the ladder. Hak with a left, elbow to the back of the neck. Ladder set up, leg inside it, and Hak elbowdrops the ladder as we take an ad break. Might as well, I guess.

Two point five minutes later, Hak is rolling Finlay in the ring. There are a couple tables in the ring but they haven't been used - Hak with a bulldog that lands on a (flat) table. Hak sets a table up in the corner, and the other table in the opposite corner - but Finlay's got the stick! Whack! Stick in the throat, and he DROPS his neck, jamming it into the stick. Yaaaargh. Finlay with the chair - chair in the gut. Chair to the head. Finlay gimps over to the ladder and sets THAT up in the remaining corner. Body attack - whip into the ladder - Hak making sure to flip before he hits the ladder with his back. Finlay grabs the kendo stick - referee "Blind" Nick Patrick pulls it away?? He asks Hak if he wants to give up and he says naw. Finlay tries setting up the chair in the corner but Hak pops up and hits him in the back of the head. Hak with the ladder - Finlay going to the cane but Hak has him first. Heenan: "This is like a fight at a bingo hall!" Whip into the ladder - nice laceration on Finlay's arm. Hak with a left-armed clothesline. Hak with a kendo stick shot, and again. Sandman pose from Hak. Table adjusted - COVER? 1, 2, no. Now they're trading punches - Finlay's trick knee acts up - kendo stick shot - another one, point to the throat - choke is on - Finlay throws it out of the ring - off the ropes - double clothesline! Patrick puts on a count. NASTY BRIAN KNOBS is out because these matches CAN'T have clean endings. Knobs takes Finlay into a table, which breaks in spectacular fashion. Knobx takes Hak into the other table. Knobs with the ladder to Finlay. Finlay out of the ring. Hak thrown out of the ring. Knobs with a broken table out of the ring. Hak punches Knobs on the outside - Patrick decides NOW we can call for the bell (No contest 8:55) Knobs takes a table fragment and whacks Hak with it - Finlay takes a chair and takes out Knobs with it - then chases after Hak - Knobs grabs a table corpse and follows....what a pointless waste of my time. Oh, sorry, what a great, exciting match! After this one and the one two weeks ago, I hope they have one of these EVERY weeks!

WCW/NWO Superstar Series videotapes feature Diamond Dallas Page, Goldberg, and the old WCW logo

WCW new logo T-shirt - "SHUT UP AND WRESTLE" indeed! RAW's gonna KILL you in the "amount of wrestling in the first two hours plus" at this rate!

WORLD TV TITLE MATCH - RICK WOOF WOOF (without Ted DiBiase) v. BOOKA T. in a return match - you can tell Rick's evil now because he's got a 'do-rag on. Oh, he did bleach a stripe into his beard, as well. T's music plays but we don't see him...natch, we cut to the back to see him down. Meanwhile, in the ring, Rick's got the mic and after running down Booker T. Rick shows off his newly Big Poppa Pump-influenced mic skills. Rick's not wearing his headgear, either - getting us a good shot at his cauliflowered ear. Rick lays out the open challenge and, when no one responds, walks back up the ramp - but before he gets to the entrance, who should appear but (THIS IS) STING. Before we can even get his music cued up, he strikes...

RICK WOOF WOOF v. (THIS IS) STING for the World Television Championship - quick kick and he's all over him with fists a-flyin'. Head to the barricade! Head to the barricade again! Getting near the commentators - head to the table! Scoop and a hot shot on the barricade! Taken in the ring - ring the bell! Face to the canvas! But the Stinger splash finds only turnbuckle. Steiner drapes him across the turnbuckle. Kick, big-time punching. Relentless with the punches and forearms to the back of the head. Sting pops up and wails on him but it doesn't last. Rick back to the punches - snapmare. Right hand. 1, 2, no. Crowd is ACHING for the chance to scream for the Stinger, but Rick's still in command. Chokehold. Steiner throws him outside - head to the STEEL ringpost. Rick pushes back the mats on the floor - suplex - no - Stiner reverses to a snap suplex! Rick hits mats, though. Sting with a kick, Steiner with a forearm. Cable choke to the King of Cable! Steiner rolls him back in. Tony: "It was a Sting buffet!" HUH? Steiner has him in the death drop! But before he can hit it, Sting rolls over, atomic drop, dropkick, clothesline, clothesline - to the top - LARIAT! Steiner rolls out of the ring. But now SUPERSTAH SCOTT STEINER is out and now they're on either side on the apron - Before they can strike, though - uh oh - THE NARCISSIST slides into the ring to join his good friend - or is he? Referee "Blind" Billy Silverman calls for the bell (DQ 3:57 Magnum) Luger and Sting stand side by side - the Steiners advance - and - and - WE TAKE AN AD BREAK!

But first, here's a graphic with Page and Nash. Tony ignores what's unseen in the ring as we hype the World Title match. I sense a problem with prioritizing here.

Great American Bash promo - Sunday 13 June! Order NOW!

Slam Society allusion

Another shot of Nash's jackknife powerbomb on Page - because "KEVIN NASH WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION"

TIM HARDAWAY - NO, WAIT, THAT'S KONNAN v. CURT HENNIG - Konnan is wearing a Hardaway jersey because the Heat were eliminated, right? I forget - is Hennig a face or not? Lockup, armdrag takedown by Hennig. Lockup, armwringer, chain wrestling, armdrag takedown by Konnan. Off the ropes, Hennig cartwheel, Konnan clothesline. Head to the canvas, seated dropkick, ten punch count along, ball shake and orale. HENNIG FLOP! Konnan leads off the third hour. Hennig stalls and stalls, then comes back in to take control. Knife-edge chops (woooo!), stomp, whip into opposite corner is reversed, chop from Konnan, Hennig falls out and pulls up lame. He tells the commentators that these are brand new boots. Hennig shows off his nipple - errr, the mark from Konnan' s knife-edge chops. This is quite a stall. With typical WCW time, let's take an ad break JUST as he gets back in the ring!

Mortal Kombat is NEXT! BREASTS!

Two and a half minutes later, Hennig is AGAIN outside the ring, but Konnan's pulling him in. Fists a flyin! Knife-edge chop and Hennig flies. Whip is reversed, Konnan up and over and tumblin' backwards, but Hennig STILL hits a clothesline. Hennig gimps over and stomps away. Another stomp. Sorta choke - field goal kick. Hennig chop sounds like a rifle shot. Right hands. Stand on the throat. Hennig receives polite applause from the front row. Snapmare, patented overhead snapmare. Pulling him by the necklace - yeah! Measured elbow with Konnan on the apron and Hennig outside. Another elbow. "Boring" chant. Ha ha. Stepover toehold but Hennig is holding the ropes - slaps him in the dome - yeah! Hennig gives the badmouth to the fans. Foot on the bottom rope - buttdrop on the leg. Stepover toehold into a deathlock! Hennig again grabs the rope when referee "Blind" Mickey J. isn't looking. Several 1 counts - Hennig continues to work on both knees. Mickey J. forces a break when Hennig goes to the choke with the necklaces. Hennig gives J. a love tap, causing ire to be raised, and Hennig to beg off. Hennig kicks the knee. Back of the knee kicked again. Stepover toehold but this time Konnan tries a facelock with it - Hennig puts a foot on the rope, and Konnan tries pulling the hair. J. FINALLY notices a foot on the rope and forces the break. It would most surely suck if Konnan were to come back for the victory. Guess what'll happen, go on, guess. Knife-edge chop cuts down K-Dogg. Head between the knees - and Hennig twists. Now standing him up in the corner - Konnan gets in a slap - now they're trading slaps - now Konnan hits a double thrust kick. Hennig with a scoop and a slam - second rope - EATS THE KNEE! Konnan with uppercuts and elbows - tumblin' lariat. Off the ropes, leapfrog - and Hennig collides with Mickey J. Suddenly we hear a voice: "K-Dogg - you're the first person to feel the wrath of the Madness Seek 'n' Destroy mission because YOUR buddy, your boy Kevin Nash doesn't have the guts to give a World Title shot to the Macho Man RANDY SAVAGE - and you tell Kevin Nash, Big Sexy, especially what I said - " and he spits on him. Hennig gives Konnan a knee in the back, booting him out of the ring. Savage has no problem tearing him apart on the outside, then rolls him in for Hennig. HENNIGPLEX HITS! 1, 2, 3! MATCH OF THE WEEK! MATCH OF THE YEAR!!! (13:03) "Tell Big Sexy what the Macho Man said, 'cause it's only gonna get worse from here!" Savage strolls back to GORGEOUS GEORGE, MADUSA & MISS MADNESS and off they go.

One more look at Nash winning the title with "KEVIN NASH WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION" as the graphic.

WCW - Driving in the carpool lane with a Goldberg cutout is Out There

THUNDER! ad shows highlights from "last Thursday" even though there WASN'T a THUNDER! last Thursday - and features Disorderly Conduct, but not the Texas Hangmen

Still to come - Page vs. Nash - and the world tag team title match NEXT! WOW, THAT entire segment lasted TWENTY-FIVE SECONDS!

WCW new logo T-shirt ad #2

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by SNICKERS! Watching a Bischoff interview? SNICKERS!

VANILLA MIDGETS (with Arn Anderson) v. RAVEN & SENSATIONAL PERRY SATURN (with Kanyon) - hey, what a great surprise to see Kanyon at Slamboree, right? Oh, except he showed up on THUNDER! earlier so it wasn't much of a surprise. Sheesh. Saturn and Malenko start. Feeling out process. Lockup, side headlock, chain to a hemmerlock, drop toehold from Saturn, into an armbar from Malenko, to the hammerlock again, reversal, to the corner, back elbows from Malenko, Saturn scoots out and hits a right, to the corner, up and over, Flying elbow takes him to the floor, Benoit in, crescent kick takes BENOIT out, PESCADO from Saturn onto Benoit. Raven over to stomp on Malenko's head - Malenko in the ring, tag, ersatz Total elimination - legsweep/clothesline. Malenko with an eyepoke following the 2 count. Tag to Benoit, kick, kick, off the ropes, over , under, leg caught, punch blocked after spinning him around, Raven blocks another and punches away. Into the opposite corner, reversed, boot up from Raven, clothesline as he tries to charge - 2 count. Into the corner, tag to Saturn. On his shoulders - plancha! Benoit rolls out as Malenko distracts and gets punches to the floor. Regrouping on the outside from the Horsemen. This is a FAST match. "Horsemen suck" chant. Saturn lying in wait - Benoit back in. No fingerlock - Saturn kicks instead. And kicks, and kicks. Off the ropes, reverse, big-time lariat from Benoit. Dragged into the friendly corner, tag, Malenko stomps, Benoit with an extra one before goingn outside. Off the ropes, head down, was that the Falcon Arrow? Tag to Raven, off the ropes, drop toehold by Saturn into dropped elbow from Raven for 2. Head to the buckle - tag - off the ropes, gutshot from Raven, boot to the head from Saturn. Snapmare from Saturn into a rear chinlock. Malenko elbows out, Saturn buries a knee deep in the gut. Raven in - Saturn holds him for Raven. I must have missed the tag - Raven to a chinlock and a buttdrop on the small of the back. Raven exhorts to the crowd. Back to the chinlock, buttdrop - Benoit in with a measured kick to the gut - Saturn in but referee "Blind" Randy Anderson pushes him back. Malenko makes it to his partner and tags in Benoit. Head to the buckle. Chop from Benoit (woooo!), to the gut, now stomping away as he lies on the canvas. Whip is reversed, gutshot, snap suplex - he holds on for another one. A third! 1, 2, Malenko drags him off. To the corner, tag to Saturn - slam by Raven - top rope legdrop by Saturn. Saturn buttdrop on the leg as it's laid across the bottom rope - AD BREAK? Aw, come on.

Two and a half minutes later, Malenko's hit a leg lariat on Raven. Raven manages a rollup for 2. Tag to Benoit. Of course, the Horsemen are only in control during the ad break - the bit we can't see. Conspiracy theory!! Benoit for 2. Into the corner, right hand, kick, right, Raven kicks back, punches, claws his way to Saturn and makes the tag. Repeated rights from Saturn. T-bone suplex, says Tony. Hmmm, says I. Punches traded but Benoit manages to get the better of it and he's in the Horsemen corner - somehow Saturn fights off both men but Benoit drops him over the top rope - Malenko with a full nelson on Saturn but Benoit's baseball slide dropkick only finds Malenko as Saturn squirts away. Saturn and Benoit back in - whip reversed, drop toehold from Benoit, Malenko off the ropes with a dropkick to the head. Tag to Malenko - kneedrop on the knee. "Horsemen suck." Kneedrop on the knee again as Arn makes the pruneface. Buttdrop on the knee - I think he's working the knee. Knee slammed into the corner of the apron. Takedown, knee wrenched, tag, double knee to the canvas. Benoit sits on the knee again, then stomps away as Saturn cries like a little girl. Benoit steps over and gets 2 - Saturn tries a headlock of his own but Benoit tags in Malenko, who is relentless on the left knee. I said it a half second before Tony, even!Into the corner - knee draped over the second rope - kick, kick, kick, all on the knee. Snapmare, tag, the punishment continues. Benoit stands him up - and kicks the knee to knock him down. Another stomp. Tag to Malenko - make a wish! Malenko poses to the crowd and soaks in the boos. Malenko dares Saturn to get up, then kicks him. Again he dares him to get up - slapping him in the head - Saturn surprises him with an overhead release suplex. Tag to Raven! He's a house afire! Punches for everybody - Malenko whipped into Benoit - chair introduced - drop toehold into the chair on Malenko - Benoit saves at 2. Saturn in to deal with Benoit. Raven tags Saturn - Raven with a front suplex - frog splash from Saturn. Benoit in again and Raven punches him out. Still punching. Opposite corners - Raven whips Benoit while Malenko reverses Saturn's whip - left-handed lariat by Benoit on Saturn - Benoit ducks a Raven clothesline, which hits Malenko. Snap suplex by Benoit on Raven - Benoit to the top - swandive headbutt misses! Meanwhile Malenko hits a release poewrbomb on Saturn. Raven has Benoit - Kanyon distracting Randy Anderson - ARN Anderson in with the tire arn - who'd he hit, Raven or Benoit? He might have gotten both. Arn follows out to the floor, meanwhile Malenko is climbing the ropes - Kanyon pushes him off into Saturn - Spicolli driver! 1, 2, 3. (16:48) Kanyon collects the belts for his friends, while Arn makes the classic melodramatic "drat! curses! rats!" pantomime. Heenan says they were VERY lucky tonight. For some reason we follow the victorious trio backstage, where BAM BAM BIGELOW lays in wait - he ALSO accuses them of luck, saying that they only hold the straps thanks to Kanyon. Saturn asks him to "call somebody who cares" while Kanyon suggest he go find a partner. "Maybe I will!" says Bigelow. But but but - what about the HORSEMEN??

One (hopefully) last look at the Nash/Page graphic

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Smash'n'Slam Wrestlers, David (Flair?) sunflower seeds, Motel 6 7/8, Compu$erve 2000, No-Smoke from World Famous Bardahl (Who?), and Miracle Whip, for a tangy zip!

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (and lots of pyro) v. BIG POOCHIE for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship - just to confuse us, Nash comes out in NWO black 'n' red T-shirt. Got about ten minutes left in possible time. Page with a right, Nash with an elbow, repeat, Nash with a knee. In the corner, knee, knee, knee, I'm guessing measure elbow - no, right hand. Elbow - NOW measured elbow. But the crowd chants "Goldberg," ignoring the shtick - I love it. Opposite corner, follow lariat - another lariat takes Page out of the ring. Page takes a little stroll - Nash smiles - ahh, there's BAM BAM BIGELOW come to watch his back a little late. "Goldberg" chant fires up again. Page back in the ring. Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine from Nash. Pick up - snake eyes. Short clothesline for 2. Whip is reversed, and Bigelow, now up on the apron, hits a sledge to the back end of the head - referee "Blind" Mickey J. pretends not to notice as Nash turns to hit Bigelow - then turns around to eat a clothesline - Nash gets the shoulder up slowly but J. still only counts 2. Page on him - now standing on the throat - when J. pulls him off, Bigelow puts the choke on behind his back. Page with the tape and there's a choke as J. checks with the timekeeper at Page's request. J. doesn't notice the choke even after, as Nash's eyes bug out and look cool. Feet on the second rope - 1, 2, he STILL kicks out! Page with a straight right. Another one as he tries to get back up. There's another. And there's one more. Page plays to the crowd, then goes outside to climb the corner - top rope clothesline! 1, 2, shoulder up. Bigelow and J. have a shouting contest and Page goes back to the choke. Page removes the elbowpad, then grinds the elbow into the eye. Cover - press at 2. To the rear chinlock as the crowd synchronises their clapping. Would-be choke now. Nassh to one knee - now he's up - elbows out - kick from Page - swinging neckbreaker for 2. Nash is REALLY trying to kick out a moment to late. Side Russian legsweep gets 2. Bigelow up on the apron - whip into Bigelow is reversed, of course - rollup by Nash but only 2. Clothesline for 2. Right hand, right, right, off the ropes, big boot. Bigelow in the ring - Nash all over him with the right and the big boot. Now RANDY SAVAGE is in. Tripleteam is on (DQ 6:23) and, somehow, Nash does NOT manage to get the upper hand on all three men. The ring fills with trash as SAVAGE'S THREE CHICKS appear outside the ring. Savage takes some - lipstick? And paints the face. A FAN rushes the ring and gets taken down, and I think Savage DOESN'T pull a punch there. Security finally takes him down, and Savage returns to Nash - elbowdrop, punches - Savage to the top - measuring a la Nash - TOP ROPE ELBOWDROP! Heenan's still worried about the crowd and won't sit down - Savage walks over and taps him on the shoulder - then threatens Schiavone - and before he can do something cool to them, we're out.

7 matches, 62:53. I don't know - per hour it actually averages out about the same - isn't that strange? It's only about 2 min/hour difference. Well anyway, we're back to the Nitro of old - first hour is total crap which pisses me off to no end - last two hours save it. Why not trash the first hour? Would we really miss much? Oh yeah, all those exciting Bischoff snippets. HA HA HA.