Here's Raven walking along, minding his own business, when all of a sudden, BOOM! It's Diamond Dallas Page and Bam Bam Bigelow knocing him over, AND the cameraman! Then we cut to a shot and the cameraman's magically disappeared, THEN they run him into a dumpster, THEN they slam a door on his head! AND IF THIS KIND OF ACTION TAKES PLACE OUTSIDE THE ARENA, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN *INSIDE* THE ARENA TONIGHT?!?!?

Opening credits/dance sequence - TV-PG-DV ratings box - Oh yes, another three hours of Nitro, oh yes

Closed captioned logo highlights a video package of Disco bemoaning Savage's keeping the young guys down, Flair promising the elbowdrop will be outlawed, Bigelow and Page taking out Piper to curry favour with Flair, Malenko telling Benoit it's time to take care of each other, Piper demanding a match, a Sting monster truck with Luger inside, Hennig putting down rap and then fighting Konnan, Hogan calling out Page, Nash saying it's on with Savage for the title at the Great American Bash, the Women of Savage attacking Nash, Savage lipsticking Nash, Piper revealing Benoit and Malenko as his teammates, and Hogan taking out Page with a crutch. Later last week on THUNDER!, Tank Abbott sat in the front row, Savage called out Bagwell, then beat up Riggs and Disco, Mean Gene talked to Tank Abbott, who took some pretty tough shots from Rick Steiner, then was restrained as Steiner invited him to tonight's show, and Benoit would have beaten Page if not for the inevitable Bigelow run-in, Flair getting in HIS shots on Benoit, Savage and his harem taking care of Bagwell. All in all, a bad week to be a wrestling fan...

Hey, look! It's the Nitro Girls! You know, I could help Spice with that wayward strap, if only she'd LET me.

WE ARE LIVE from the World Famous Astrodome in Houston, TX for Memorial Day (observed) - 31.5.99 - attendance is inflated to "over twenty thousand" and you better recognise. TONIGHT: Sting. Steiner. Cage. TV title. Also, Tank Abbott will try to get himself over.

DJ RAN is all up in my area with SEVERAL CANS OF SURGE - Ran gives some props to his man Eddie Guerrero. We'll see him TONIGHT!

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and BOBBY HEENAN for this Turner Network Television live broadcast. The Dynamic Duo quickly touch on Abbott, Savage, Nash, oh my. And the steel cage match for the World television title (get ready for several shots of a graphic!)

EDDIE GUERRERO slowly walks to ringside - and all it takes is one LOOK in the camera to remind me that I've missed this man on my television. Guerrero joins the commentary team and there's handshakes all around. We see photos of Guerrero's car and hear that Eddie had a lacerated liver, reconstructive surgery on his shin and ankle, and a broken head socket. Yikes. Guerrero has taken a lot of things for granted, and words can't express how he feels just to be here. You know, as happy as I am to see him here, the cynic in me just BEGS for this to be a swerve so he can turn heel and be a total dick. After an awkward silence as people attempt to give Tony instructions over his headset...

HAK (with Pornstar, cane, and brand new haircut) v. (billy) KIDMAN - I'm torn as to whether to classify this match as "a clash of styles" or simply "a mismatch." Coming up tonight, A STEEL CAGE MATCH! Hak finally reluctantly puts the kendo stick away and we're on. Kidman goes behind and takes him down with a chickenwingalike. Hak to the ropes. Lockup, Hak to the wristlock, and a hairpull takes him down. Kidman pops up and complains - referee "Blind" Mickey J. and Hak have a chat. Lockup, wristlock, reversal, Hak elbow. Takes him over, Kidman reverses into a head scissors - Hak makes it to the ropes. Damned if Hak isn't wrestling technical here. Is the audience booing - oh, it's because TANK ABBOTT is walking to the ring with an entourage. Crowd quickly fires up with "you suck" as Abbott takes the match and removes the focus from this match - apparently, he's going to be the referee in the cage match. And this would be because...? Meanwhile, Hak is standing in the corner and drawing boos. Off the ropes, Kidman ducks, up into a slam, but Kidman manages a flying head scissors - dropkick and Hak goes out. Pescado by Kidman! Kidman rolls him back in - boot to the head, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, boy Kidman loves that boot. Meanwhile, Chastity's set up a chair in the corner and Hak manages to run Kidman's head into it. Of course, commentators talk about Tank Abbott. The ladder's in the ring! The table's in the ring! Here's a - door? Nah, another table. Chastity is encouraging Tony to call the match - you go. Here's a whip into the ladder. Hak still setting up tables. Kidman laid on a table - Hak to the top rope - forward somersault but Kidman's moved away. Kidman with the chair laid on the body of Hak - before we can see anything exciting, HUGH MORRUS and JAMES HART are out - Morrus pushing Kidman off the top rope to the floor and continuing the attack. BRIAN KNOBBS and a garbage can come out a bit later - so is he done thinking about it? Can shots to Hak - wheee. Knobbs sets the second table in the corner. There's a whip into the table, which breaks it. Can to the table. Knobbs calmly talks into the camera at 100 dB but fails to tell us if he's still thinking about it. (DQ 6:16)

Split screen segues into a shot of Flair and Dillon - Flair ordering eight girls to the Marriot. Dillon says the Executive Committee reviewed the tape and it was a unanimous vote - the elbowdrop is banned. Flair goes to great pains to make Dillon say that HE banned it, and Dillon plays along.

If you're like me, you're counting the DAYS until "Assault on Death Mountain" - that world premiere is a mere WEEK from TUESDAY!

Let us take you back to THUNDER! once again so you can see Tank Abbott call WCW wrestlers "cherries." Catch that Rick Steiner elbow!

Schiavone and Heenan shine on Abbott again - Guerrero has his final words, including thanks for Eric Bischoff for keeping him employed - geez, Eddie, be a damn MAN already or I'll stop missing you.

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE & BAM BAM BIGELOW walk to the ring to make noise. DDP tried to do the right thing - he TRIED to apologise after putting Hogan out - but last week Hogan got his shot in - so next time, they'll take him out PERMANENTLY. "Hey Bammer, you take the trash out?" "Yeah, I took out the trash." That's a Raven joke, hyeah. Crowd ignores all the storylines in play and chants "Goldberg." Page doesn't want to wait for the pay-per-view, he wants Raven & Saturn - TONIGHT! Right - HERE! Because they're got East Coast - ATTITUDE! I love it when Page accentuates the last word of every - SENTENCE! We may have a tag team title match - LATER!

WCW/NWO Superstar Series present the videotapes of a hated heel and a strangely missing disgruntled #1 draw

Backstage, busybody Mike Tenay catches up to Khris Kanyon and Perry Saturn and relates the goings on - they accept the match.

DJ Ran is all up in my area and has a problem with Curt Hennig not likin' the hip hop and stuff - hey look! The Nitro Girls!

CURT HENNIG joins the commentary team to address DJ Ran's comments. Hennig, the "all around cowboy," threatens to sing a country song - sufficiently egged on, Hennig leaves the table and approaches DJ Ran - first stopping at the ramp to call out BOBBY DUNCUM, JNR who comes out in "Don't Mess with Texas" shirt and gives a hat to Hennig to wear. Hennig and Duncum BOTH make it to the DJ booth, where Hennig gives Ran a chance to skeedaddle, which he accepts. Hennig proceeds to sing, inviting Duncum for a few bars - apparently they sing badly, though I couldn't tell. Before Hennig can do another number, "Tequila Sunrise" plays over the PA and KONNAN & REY MYSTERIO, JNR walk out. Good Lord, Konnan's gonna "PhD the strawberries." Next thing you know, it's on - and we all know this can only lead to a tag team match that NOBODY could POSSIBLY care about.

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Grip'n'Flip Wrestlers (complete with old WCW logo and rare Goldberg appearance!), Slim Jim, America (ha!) Online, David Flair sunflower seeds, Motel 6 7/8, and IceSport from Aqua Velva

Coming up later tonight, Rey Mysterio & Konnan to face Curt Hennig & Bobby Duncum! Surely this will keep you from tuning into that other show!

Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Konnan and Curt Hennig had an issue - an issue over the music of the streets

THE NEW LOOK VAN HAMMER (with Big Bubba's music) v. EVAN KARAGIAS - Oh, come on. Highlight of this match is Bobby Heenan saying "That was a horrible car accident Eddie Guerrero had - you know, there were 75 people in that car!" (Cobra clutch slam -> pin 6:45) 10-10-321 provides replays of a nice superplex and the finisher. Hammer: "YOU MADE ME!" CRZ: "Hey, don't look at ME, pal."

TONIGHT: QUICK GRAPHIC PRODUCTIONS provide Page, Bigelow, Saturn, and Kanyon.

WCW MasterCard ad features the most hated heel in the building, Diamond Dallas Page. Oh, and they feature the old logo.

Closed captioning wired to you via WESTERN UNION! (Eh? What's that?)

GENE O. works tonight! TV-PG-DV box appears to kick off the second hour and oh Lord, who gets the sweet spot as the competition begins? That's right, ROWDY REALITY PIPER. Piper speaks on Dean Malenko's behalf, apparently. He comes dangerously close to a Michael Buffer lawsuit and then welcomes DEAN MALENKO to the ring. Hopefully Dean can speak for HIMSELF from now on. Gene leaves the ring so Piper can interview Malenko. Piper sucks up to Malenko, calling him the greatest Cruiserweight champion of all time. What's up with the 4 Horsemen? Has it come down to Flair and Anderson against Benoit and Malenko? Malenko says "..." so Piper asks if the Horsemen are no more. Malenko says "..." and Piper asks if there's a pulse. Malenko takes the mic and TALKS! They didn't walk away from the Horsemen or Ric Flair - Ric Flair walked away from Dean Malenko and Chris Benoit. The familiar music fires up and THE MAN & ARN ANDERSON walk out. Well, NOW I'm seeing why this segment got the sweet spot. Flair has a bandage over his right eye for reasons I know not. Malenko tells Flair that he and Benoit sat in the back week after week and watched Flair serve his ego. But it's not about Rolexes and Armani suits anymore - it's about passing the torch. Malenko says that in order to take this company to the millenium, it's not the wrestlers of the past - it's the wrestlers of the FUTURE - the future which is staring him in the face. Flair runs down Piper (ha!) and then says that without Ric Flair, there's no Horsemen, there's no Malenko, there's no Benoit. And until he can see someone who can CARRY the torch, he ain't passin' it. They're the big cheeses. "Arn I told you ten months ago I put my heart and soul into the IV Horsemen. THIS is what we talked about." Anderson says that they came to him, not the other way around - he said when he came out of retirement that it was to return to Horsemen to glory - this is a man's sport, and just because you have a disagreement, you don't take your ball and go home - this can be patched up. Malenko: "I made a commitment to THIS (four fingers) while he was being committed!" Last week, he would have bent over backwards to watch Anderson's back - but that was last week. And he walks off - Anderson follows. Piper says things are falling apart and I'll see you at the Bash, then TURNS HIS BACK ON FLAIR - what a maroon. Flair takes him apart until the inevitable comeback, complete with comical punching and Flair flop. Then Piper whips him with his belt. FLAIR FLIP! Flair's outside but he comes back in - Piper promptly gives him ANOTHER belt shot and Flair goes outside for good. Flair takes some time to admire some lovely ladies in the front row. Now Flair pulls Piper to the outside and the fight continues, with Piper again providing the damage. Flair walks off, pausing to hit on ANOTHER woman at the top of the ramp.

Hey, look, it's CHAE & TYGRESS groovin' to the smooth sounds of Jocelyn Enriquez with lotsa scratchin' over it! Afterwards, they'll go have a Coke!

KONNAN & REY NO MYSTERIO, JR. (in matching prison garb) v. CURT HENNIG & BOBBY DUNCUM, JR. - This match descends one level further into Hell as CRACKA EAZY-E joins the commentary team. Anybody seen Barry Windham lately? Konnan wants so badly to say "Jigga what?" but can't sneak it in. Hennig says he's going to regale them with one more country tune, but those no good furners attack in the middle of "The Eyes of Texas" - an offense which, in a better time, would have resulted in Mr. Bowdy-boutit and his little friend to be lynched. At least this week Hennig quickly gets in his "feet in the air" spot. Mysterio hits his broncobuster on Duncum, then leaps into the corner and yells "West siiiiiiiide!" for no apparent reason. Why IS Bischoff doing commentary out there? The match finally takes shape as Hennig manhandles Mysterio, then tags out so Duncum can get some action - there's a shoulderbreaker - Konnan makes the save (Bischoff: "NICE teamwork there!") Hennig in - hard whip into the turnbuckle. Hennig picks him up in the flapjack position and turns it into a slam. Tag, hard into the corner, shot for Konnan. Knee across the neck. Tag to Hennig after running him into the boot. Hennig puts the straps down and gyrates, which a skyward gaze to Rick Rude - nice touch. Hennig bending back the arms - but Rey jumps up, hits a dropkick backwards, and fails to tag Konnan before Duncum's in with an elbowdrop to the back. Mysterio run into the corner and another quick tag. Hennig kicking - another whip into the corner but Rey comes to, elbows Duncum, and slides under Hennig for a dropkick. Hennig holding on - Rey with a punch to break it and there's the hot tag to Konnan. I am very unhappy that the roof blows off the joint. House of fire bit, during which Konnan does all three of his offensive moves, but La Tequila Sunrisa is broken up when Duncum comes in with the bullrope - referee "Blind" Nick Patrick calls for the bell (DQ 4:57) and whild Hennig puts Mysterio in a submission hold, Duncum hogties Konnan. Hennig with a right to take out Rey, and the blondes stand over those lousy hip hop aficionados. Bischoff says something about Tommy Boy records and Randy Savage is next.

Also we see that graphic with Sting and Steiner - cage match - Tank Abbott special referee - only 90 minutes away!

"Assault on Devil Island" ad

RANDY SAVAGE is in the house, ooh yeah, and he's heard that Kevin Nash can't wait for the Great American Bash - he wants it TONIGHT! GOOD LORD MADUSA needs some support for those hooters as she runs out to deliver some news - Gorgeous George said that Big Sexy's in the building. Ooh, pass some notes! Savage says "push him back in the closet" for the fifth or sixth time and then calls out Nash yet again. I have a feeling this won't really be Nash - well, Savage leaves the ring and walks off instead. HUH? Well, I'm sure if there was REALLY a message there'd be an instagraphic for it.

Backstage, Page and Bigelow stand over Kanyon - whoops, NOW who's gonna defend the tag team titles (later tonight!)?

The camera finds an OWEN 1965-1999 sign - I can't BELIEVE the sign police didn't confiscate them! Bischoff says he hasn't talked to Bret Hart, but this is time for the Hart family. Awww, Bischoff CARES. Oops, sorry, that just slipped out.

ERIC WATTS v. DAVID SAMMARTINO - ERR, FLAIR (with Torrie, The Man, Arn Anderson & Asya) - Bischoff talks about "push" to see if the Internet smarts can get a hardon, but all I can think about is "hey, he beat YOU, Eric." This is a DREAM match and, dare I say, a main event anywhere in the country. Lockup, to the corner, Watts looks the wrong way and David reverses, knife-edge chops - Flair plays to the crowd, and Watts his a lariat, another clothesline - Flair runs outside and asks Ric what exactly he's doing out here. Ric explains that it's an angle the smarts will LOVE and David gets back in - Watts shoots Ric and look then tries a lockup, but David ducks through the ropes. Watts with a gutshot, head to the turnbuckle - agin - David is woozy - another head to the buckle - kick, kick, kick, kick, referee "Blind" Scott Dickenson suggests they move it out of the corner - Watts with a choke and some unkind words to the Man at ringside. Flair off the ropes, but he holds on and the infamous Watts dropkick only finds air. Flair considers a figure four here but he's too slow - Watts kicks Flair away and he sails through the ropes to the mat. Ric to the outside to offer encouragement. Watts bringing him in the hard way. Slam - 1, 2, PULLS HIM UP?!? Watts making a statment - uranage. 1, 2, PULLS HIM UP!!! Now I'm finding this perversely entertaining. Sleeper into a slam. 1, 2, PULLS HIM UP. Pumphandle into a slam. Now Ric's up on the apron, distracting the ref. Arn's in with the axehandle and then the spinebuster - I'm thinking he doesn't respect the kid any more. Flair covers as Dickenson turns around - 1, 2, 3. (4:19)

COMING UP: DDP & Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Saturn & Kanyon - don't you forget it now

THE Great American Bash is SUNDAY 13 JUNE! Don't you DARE miss it! It's brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily!

Let Us Take You Back to Savage hitting Nash with his own title belt, and then going to the lipstick. Bischoff can't wait for that big title match later tonight! This is the ENTIRE segment! You better give me a fifteen minute match with no ads later in the show!

Backstage, Buff Bagwell asks Flair for a match with Randy Savage - Flair says he can't have the match because he's not in Savage's league - but he CAN have a match with Bobby Eaton! Bagwell: "Does he even work here anymore?" Flair: "Marquee match!" Bagwell: "I'm Buff and I'm the stuff!" Anderson: "Bobby's got him nervous!" Man, this will bring the smarts to WCW in DROVES, baby!

THUNDER! ad features Kenny Kaos - don't you miss it THURSDAY!

CAT (with Sonny Onoo) v. ? - Schiavone uses Guerrero as an example of how great Bischoff really is, and Bischoff goes into another "we'll become #1 again!" speech which makes me ill. "Time will tell," yer damn right. Cat forces ring announcer DAVID PENZER to ask that he once again be recognised as "the Greatest of all time - and the Godfather of Soul!" Cat does his shtick, which is strangely compelling - just kidding. Uh oh, he said "asses!" Cat calls for Scott "Yogi Bear" Norton again, not exactly displaying his intelligence. Here comes BIG SCOTT NORTON for part 1,275 in this exciting ongoing saga. Well, I guess I'll call this, it should be short. Cat with three blows, Norton with a headbutt. Elbow to the back of the neck. Knife-edge chop. Headbutt. In a split screen, the rest of the NWO black'n'white whoop it up and enjoy "the massacre, Part four!" Norton MAULING him in the corner and finally referee "Blind" Randy Anderson pulls him off to force a break. Onoo passes Cat a crowbar, then promptly climbs on the apron to keep Anderson away from noticing the crowbar shot. Anderson turns around and counts 3 (1:23) as the NWO looks on in stunned disbelief, then promptly decides to hit the airport before Norton comes to. Cat dances, then we go to the ad break before the REAL James Brown impression (see last week's THUNDER!) begins.

WCW still owes me a long-ass match for these short-ass segments. "Hey, CRZ, what makes you think WCW OWES you anything?" "Well, that's a figure of speech."

WCW T-shirt - "Shut up and wrestle?" Is THAT what it says? Do I even WANT to go there?

Another look at the commentary table and WHY is Eric Bischoff STILL there? TV-PG-DV ratings box briefly obscures Bischoff's head, hooray! Bischoff proclaims Tank Abbott "nuts." The unholy troika continues to talk about Tank Abbott, AND Rick Steiner. "What up, Mach?" That music can only mean one thing...well, after an eon:

RANDY SAVAGE (with Madusa 6) v. ? - did Heenan say "the commercials are more fun than the matches?" and mean that in a GOOD way? Savage is in the house, ooh yeah. I STILL don't think this is gonna happen - well, of course it ISN'T Kevin Nash, but he's just as pretty - some guy in a Wolfpack T-shirt and sequined red dress - natch, he walks over the top rope. Looks like one of those QVC title replicas. Referee "Blind" Billy Silverman reluctantly calls for the bell. The Nashalike continues to wear his "MISS BIG SEXY '99" sash - Nashalike looks for the test of strength by raising his arm high (ha) but Savage strikes, then pulls the ref aside as Madusa comes in to hit a pair of SuperKwangs, remove the high heels, then sets him up on the turnbuckle. Miss Madness comes in and hits a top rope Frankensteiner (!) Scoop and a slam from Savage as Bischoff proclaims Miss Madness a guy (ummm, Eric?) - Gorgeous George in with a second rope elbowdrop - Savage puts out an imaginary cigarette on what'shisname's back - Jackknife powerbomb?!? No, a bodyslam. Here's that illegal elbowdrop - 1, 2, 3. (2:39) - the women remove the dress as Savage poses with the belt. The Nashalike wears a NASH set of tights under the dress - yep. Bischoff AGAIN says Miss Madness must be a man, THEN says the Nash clone is really a girl. Get the cataracts fixed, dude!

Bischoff would probably think I'm a girl, too - sigh

Great American Bash spot

K-Dogg Bombay off da hook shirt str8 up g'z 4 evah - rarrrrr must buy T-shirt

Hey, look! It's the Nitro Girls! Bischoff accuses THEM of being men! Can you believe it? With them simulating sex in the ring and everything!

Let Us Take You Back to THUNDER! last week where Savage did to Bagwell what he essentially did to Bagwell a week earlier on THUNDER! - and what he will undoubtedly do again this week on THUNDER! They really give the Netcop a lot to work with, don't they?

BOBBY EATON v. BUFF IS THE STUFF - If you told me that one of these men deserves better, I'd be disappointed if you sais that that one man was named Bagwell. Bischoff runs down Jesse Ventura and I'm torn between agreeing with what he's saying and telling him to lay off the cheap shots already. On the other hand, BOBBY EATON IN THE THIRD HOUR! Can I really complain about this? Well, MAYBE. Bischoff said "midcard!" He's playing to the SMARTS! (Blockbuster -> pin 3:39)

NEXT: WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE GRAPHIC!

DJ Ran is all up in my area with the rowdy fans

Let Us Take You Back to Earlier in the Show as Raven is brutally attacked out on the concrete

SENSATIONAL PERRY SATURN v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE & BAM BAM BIGELOW for the World Tag Team Championship - Saturn comes out alone to his music, which I haven't heard for a long time, yet STILL reminds me of "Beautiful People," which opened every episode of RAW for a few months a couple years ago and must make people extremely happy that I point that out. Saturn says a handicap match is fine with him, proving that the foam must have gone straight to his brain or something. Page tells Saturn he's stupider than he looks, and Bischoff corrects his grammar. Bischoff goes on to suck up to Hollywood Hogan AGAIN. Bigelow starts. Lockup, Bigelow pushes him away and roars. Lockup, side headlock from Saturn, power off the ropes, shoulderblock takes him down again. Bigelow pushes him into the corner, whip out, knee up, knees up AGAIN, nice dropkick by Saturn. Atomic drop - springboard into a flying jalapeno - Page comes in, Saturn ducks and hits a lariat. Whip into Bigelow - belly-to-belly suplex on Page - Bigelow taken out of the ring - Page goes out after a dropkick. Crowd digs it and with both men out, it's an opportune time (I guess) to take an ad break.

When we come back, Page and Saturn are on the outside, but Saturn reverses a whip and Page collides with Bigelow. Back in the ring, Saturn with a right cross, axehandle to the back, Page reverses a whip into Bigelow's knee - Saturn turns and fires but Page hits from behind. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, Page is VERSATILE, tag. Pushed into the corner. Snapmare from Bigelow as crowd works up a "Saturn" chant which mingles with boos for Page. Headbutt from Bigelow. 1, 2, shoulder up. Tag - Page returns to stomping. Right hands take Saturn down. Elbowdrop - lackadaisical cover for 2. Back to stomping. Page plays to the crowd. Right hand, right, right, from Saturn - rights and lefts, off the rope, Page with a gutshot, then a powerbomb - Saturn kicks out at 2. Page covers again but Saturn rolls the shoulder at 2. I just noticed Saturn isn't wearing the dress for the first time in ... ? Page hitting rights, here's a tag. Headbutt coming up - between the legs. Headbutt to the small of the back. Camel clutch? Saturn to the ropes. Page chokes on the second rope while Bigelow chats with referee "Blind" Johnny Boone. Biegelow holding Saturn for a top rope clothesline - which amazingly, DOESN'T backfire! 1, 2, no. Saturn up, out of the headlock, off the ropes, Page hits a knee and then a swinging neckbreaker. Tag to Bigelow, who climbs to the top - headbutt MISSES. Saturn with a jawbreaker - Bigelow tags, Page in and Saturn ducks - superkick on Page, superkick on Bieglow! Bigelow out of the ring. Page reverses a scoop slam attempt - Diamond Cutter attempt is pushed - Page collides with Bigelow and Saturn hits a schoolboy for 2.99. Page back on him quickly - off the ropes, reversal - Spicolli Driver!! 1, 2, PAGE KICKS OUT!! Bigelow in - SPICOLLI DRIVER ON BIGELOW! Well, kinda, but close enough for me. The crowd goes wild. Now KANYON has made his way to the apron and he's leading the cheers for the tag - he's wearing hospital bracelets, even. Saturn pullin to his corner - hot tag! Kanyon runs RIGHT into a discus right from Page - and promptly goes down 1, 2, 3. (11:33) Ummmm...Saturn goes over eleven minutes with Page and Bigelow and Kanyon - well, okay, he just got out of the hospital and was ko'd, but...well....oh, whatever. Ladies and gentlemen, we have new World tag team champions.

The TNT world premiere of "Pirates of Silicon Valley" is brought to you locally by CONCENTRIC WIRELESS! Get down Concentric!

WCW magazine spot

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro LIVE is brought to you by MILKY WAY! MILK IT!

Backstage, we see Savage and his entourage get in a limo, which conveniently has a camera inside - the limo narrowly avoids running into a septic tanker truck - from many camera angles, we see Kevin Nash get out of a second truck which pulls alongside the limo, mutter to himself while brandishing a hose - one would suggest the limo drive back up here but then we'd miss the fun! Before the occupants of the limo, you know, GET OUT of the limo, Nash has emptied the contents of the septic tank (uhh - that isn't REAL ... oh let's hope not) in the limo - then the truck speeds away as Savage says a lot of things you're not supposed to say on television. We linger on this scene a while longer, then...

"This portion of Monday Nitro is brought to you by LOUIS septic services - for all your SAVAGE septic needs!" Okay, THAT was pretty funny.

NEXT: Sting - Steiner - cage match - Tank Abbott - ULTIMATE WCW!

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Grip'n'flip Wrestlers (again?), the tangy zip of Miracle Whip salad dressing (goes with septic material!), the Super Soaker CPS system, Travelodge, IceSport by Aqua Velva (again?), and toughactin' Tinactin

DJ Ran says "yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah" while simultaneously being all up in my area. While he fails to play music, he DOES signify the Lowering of the Cage.

Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Lex Luger drove the Stinger Monster Truck while the real Sting stood in the ring. As the Steiner Brothers were surrounded... we took an ad break before finding out what the hell was up.

TANK ABBOTT, the special referee, walks out first with THREE GUYS I DON'T KNOW. This looks like a good time to take an ad break - well, not to me, but to whoever makes this call.

You know, WCW has been pretty good about having the Champion enter last, but tonight, that doesn't happen. Sigh. Bischoff must have left before the tag team match and I didn't notice until now...which goes to show just how excited I was by his presence lended to the commentary team. Steiner and Abbott give each other the stink eye but fail to come to blows. This might be the first time in a long while we get to here most of Sting's entrance music! Under ten minutes left in the show...

RICK WOOF WOOF v. (THIS IS) STING for the World television championship in a steel cage - Sting with the gutshot and two rights, kicking away now, into the cage. Sting grabs the cage ceiling, and kicks Steiner. Head to the cage agin. Still on him. Stomping on the hands. Rick to the groin to gain control. RIght hands from Steiner, right, Sting goes down, kick, kick, rights to the kidney. Dropping the elbow. Repeated rights, head ground into the mat. Picking him up, Steiner whips, but Sting reverses and hits a dropkick. Steiner's head rubbed into the cage, right hand, Sting off the ropes, SPLASH into the cage wall on Steiner - going to the well one too many times - Steiner ducks and Sting splashes the cage wall without anybody between 'em. Steiner with rights. Now STING taken into the cage wall, boot to the head. Sting's head meets the cyclone fence - elbowdrop. Steiner looking for the pin but Abbott refuses. Abbott could be the next Jim Neidhart! Steiner clamps on a chinlock - Sting gets up and elbows out - Golotta and Abbott applauds the low blow. Sting with a standing dropkick, nicely done. Call to the crowd, who responds in kind. Another standing dropkick and Rick stays down. Sting stands on the neck. Sting off the ropes with a lariat. Stands him up, repeat. Splash attempt meets with the knees. Steiner has him up - Sting goes down - dueling backslide attempts - Sting has him across his back - is this a submission hold? Steiner grabs the rope - Sting breaks and Steiner tries to throw an elbow. Sting is in control - they trade punches. Now Steiner on top with clubbin' blows. Whip into the opposite corner but the followup elbowdrop misses - Sting goes for a Stinger splash but IT misses because Abbott PULLS STEINER OUT OF THE CORNER! Abbott with a shot to the back of Sting's head and he's OUT. Steiner stomps on Sting, then pulls out a roll of tape. While Steiner tapes Sting's wrists to the top rope, Abbott walks out of the ring. Stiner lays into Sting with punches and kicks - Sting kicks back but Steiner's got too much of an advantage. As Abbott walks away - so are they friends or WHAT? - ahhhh, who cares - closing credits. (No contest, under 6 minutes)

9 or so matches - call it around 48 minutes. Of course, that includes the David Flair match and the Randy Savage "match," so your mileage may vary. Somebody alert the media! Sixteen minutes of wrestling an hour!

Next Monday: What do Anna Kournikova, Mick Foley, CRZ and the Artist Formerly Known as Prince have in common?