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A white limo pulls up and a TV-PG-DV ratings box fills the upper left corner. Hey, it's Randy Savage and Madusa 6! Savage has the limo driver remove a plastic container (closed captioned logo) from the trunk, and the lid from the container. Oh Madusa, who made you wear that outfit. Apparently the container is full of - something we're led to believe smells bad but looks more like melted chocklit ice cream. It's a present for Nash! Hey, he better watch out - people SUE for hijinks like that!

SMOKIN' HAK (with Pornstar) v. PRINCE IAUKEA (no entrance) - everyone makes a big deal out of Hak smoking so it looks like he's stealing Giant's gig, har har. This man has NO regard for authority! Geez, next he'll start drinkin' BEER or something! Referee "Blind" Scott Dickenson requests that the cigarette be extinguished and Hak blows smoke in his face. Bischoff (oh yeah, did I mention Bischoff is at the commentary table) suggests that Hak's just afraid to lock up with Prince Iaukea. Of course, he mispronounces "Iaukea." J.J. DILLON is out to tell him that smoking is over the line and they won't let him get away with it - now, put that thing out so we can start the match. "Make me!" CRACKA EAZY-E walks into the ring and relieves Dillon - he's the boss with a HEART. Hak blows some more smoke - this time in BISCHOFF'S face, while the emerging "asshole" chant (for whom I wonder?) is quickly leveled down. Hak shoves him! Anyway, DOUG DILLINGER & THE SECURITY CADRE are out but Bischoff is waving them back. "No, no, it's okay." Then BISCHOFF slaps him. The security prevents Hak from getting a measure of revenge - too bad, a caneshot on Bischoff - ooooh, THAT'D be sweet. Bischoff removes the cigarette and says don't throw out the match - let 'em wrestle. Iaukea with the quick punches and a cover for 1. Chastity, meanwhile, has a fire extinguisher. Bischoff: "No, I have no authority - I just hate smokers." Samoan Drop attempt is thwarted with extinguisher fun. Hak has a table now. There's Iaukea on the table - there's a forward somersault - table doesn't break! That's MORE painful! Table in the corner - Iaukea whipped into the table - AGAIN it doesn't break! Hak covers - 1, 2, 3 (1:34) - well now NASTY BRIAN KNOBBS is out, JAMES HART is out, HUGH MORRUS is out - now KIDMAN is out - of COURSE, Kidman has no problems with both Morrus and Knobss - but then, after one shot on Hart, Morrus comes back - there's a rare powerbomb on Kidman that works! Knobbs has the "kendo stick" in the meantime, and Hak is feeling the effects. Hak and Knobbs on the outside - Hak coming back until Morrus catches up. Now Morrus saying they get the last laugh. I think Knobbs said "I'M DONE THINKING ABOUT IT!" Apparently, Bischoff was dunked with beer by some drunk fans while this was going on. I wanna thank those guys, whoever they are.

Hey, look, it's (six of) the Nitro Girls! Anybody seen A.C. Jazz lately?

(Thirteen minutes after) Opening Credits

LAST WEEK: Tank Abbott made a little noise, then interfered in the cage match between Rick Steiner and Sting. "Miss Big Sexy" fell at the hands of Team Macho, Flair revealed that he'd banned the elbowdrop (even though the segment never came up), and Nash found a zamboni and - no wait, it was a BEER truck, yeah, then he - no, on second thought, it must have been a cement mixer - what? A septic services tank? Okay.

First ad break - so at least it was fifteen minutes of action to open the show.

Oh, MAN! Terry "Hulk" Hogan! Carl Weathers! In the Nitro Original "Assault on Death Island!" See it tomorrow on TNT!

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by VALVOLINE!

DJ RAN is all up in my area - what's he saying, "keh?" You know, the REAL "rowdiest section in the building" would STORM his ass. THIS week Ran is an Indians fan. Suck up.

WE ARE LIVE from the CSU (something) Center in Cleveland, OH 7.6.99 for WCW MONDAY NITRO! Eric Bischoff is LAME! And we are a mere SIX days away from that GREAT American Bash!

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, BOBBY HEENAN & CRACKA EAZY-E. They talk about Savage and Nash, who will fight in the main event at the pay-per-view comin' up. It's not about the title anymore, oh no, THIS time - it's personal. Bischoff reveals that he hasn't changed by telling us that "the guy under the hood - his initials are VM." Wow! Thanks, Sherlock!

LENNY LANE v. SCOTTY RIGGS (with mirror) - Bischoff goes on to make fun of the "Higher Power" because he's being sued for $110 million. He really puts the "K" in "classy," don't he? Master P and Dennis Rodman are name dropped. I'm expecting him to soon refer to this particular match as "a main event anywhere in the country." Bischoff accuses Riggs of ripping off Mr. #1derful Paul Orndorff. Ripping people off? Don't go THERE, my man! Just to make sure we care even LESS about this match, LODI comes out. Crowd immediately picks up on it by chanting "Lodi sucks," as opposed to watching the match. I suppose *I* could be the sole person watching this match - would you read my play by play? Hey, look, Riggs swiveled his hips but the camera gave him the "Elvis on Sullivan" technique! That must be TOO hot for television! Of course, Lane pulls down Riggs' tights and we see his ass. Bob Ryder would approve of this "accidental" exposure because (1) it's a guy's ass instead of some chick's tits and (2) it's WCW, a company to which Ryder once referred by saying "I'm a shill." Commentary centers completely around Randy Savage's "bucket of whatever." Eric tries to be funny by saying it's "a bucket of shhhhhh----ugar water." Geez, if you're gonna steal a joke, at LEAST say that it's shhhhhhhhaving cream. Now Eric tries to be funny by saying Lane shouldn't wear yellow tights. If I were Lane, I'd be rushing the table right now. Also I'd have superhuman hearing, but that's neither here nor their. Riggs has a very nice dropkick and that's this entire match. Finisher is a Rocker Dropper for the pin. I think we could have had this go about HALF as long. (6:21) Another hip swivel is kept out of the fram. 1-800-COLLECT brings you the replay of the as-yet-unrenamed finisher - hey, I've got a cool name! "Fame'asser!"

Back in the President's office, Ric Flair tries to talk Chris Benoit back into the Horsemen. He's ready to pass the torch! Benoit is the Man - in waiting! Flair talks about the rift between himself and Anderson from a few years ago, and how tough it was to be apart. Benoit says he'll think about it. Saturn walks into the room and demands a tag team title rematch for himself & Kanyon - but Flair says tonight he wants the match for the Horsemen - Flair & Benoit. Saturn says he'll get his title shot, sooner or later. Flair asks Benoit if he'll go along with it. Benoit says Page and Bigelow are the guys that punked him last week. Flair says that shouldn't have happened - the Horsemen can win the titles tonight, just give him a chance. There's a handshake and a hug - Flair says it's gonna be glorious, wooo!

If there's any justice in this sport, Benoit & Flair will win the titles and go on to have a long, productive reign with no inner tension between them. The LAST thing we'd want to see here is for Flair to turn on Benoit one more time, then have Benoit and Saturn team up for a tag team title shot this Sunday. Oops, have I been reading ahead again? Ha!

Fifteen second spot for THUNDER! features Silver King

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Grip'n'Flip Wrestlers, Slim Jim, All-U-Need smog test scam solution, David sunflower seeds, Motel 6 7/8, and IceSport from Aqua Velva.

RANDY SAVAGE & MADUSA 6 make their way to the ring - various plants hold their noses as if to say "whew, that's some vile smelling stuff! Don't you believe me?" Bischoff announces that he was told it's raw sewage in the container. Savage talks loud and says nothing - upshot is Nash isn't around - Savage pronounces "cajones" as "kahunas" for some odd reason. "Symbolicky" is a new Savage word. Boy, that Eric Bischoff is just too cool for school. Finally, at the end of his semi-open challenge, (THIS IS) STING is out - he's back, he's back in black. I feel like I've heard this before...Sting adds that Savage is "pretty in pink," which is actually pretty funny considering the shag jacket he's wearing. Sting suggests a little match between Savage and the Stinger. Savage says some more stuff while Madusa makes "you go girlfriend" finger snaps. Savage promises a "shampoo job" then says "if you know where the Mach is coming from" when you just KNOW he's dying to say "smell what I'm cooking." Sting invites a lawsuit from Jimmy Lennon, Jr., then says "Macho Madness is on Viagra" to further incite Savage. Savage tells Nash to watch what he's gonna do to a man called Sting.

WCW onsale! WCW onsale! This Friday - Montgomery, Macon, Peoria! Saturday - THUNDER! in Birmingham, Nitro in Rockford, and Moline for THUNDER! Dig it!

I *believe* this first hour has taken approximately 2.5 hours. Hey look - it's the Nitro Girls! How DOES Fyre keep her balance anyway? The poor girl. I'm PRETTY sure that that kind of flesh wigglin' is NOT intended for a prying child's eyes.

Let Us Take You Back to Last Week - Tony steals a line of Mike Tenay's - "Savage took them on a one-way trip to Septic City!" At least THIS time "bitch" is bleeped. My poor ears couldn't stand to hear it again!

The commentators laugh as if this is the funniest thing ever seen. Well, Bischoff does anyway. BIG POOCHIE is out with his luggage and the title belt. Wouldn't you know it - he's in the house! This interview gets the intro-to-RAW spot? Nash also makes fun of Savage's coat - hell, Savage EARNS those kind of shots. Nash calls out Savage. Was it all Savage? "Stupid, stupid, stupid man" says RANDY SAVAGE, who, for an encore, tells him he's a "stupid perseon." A ..wha?? MADUSA 6 joins him on the walk to the ring. Savage offers Nash the chance to call himself a .. monkey? Nash says "how come I brought one bag down here while you brought three?" Hey, don't insult the ladies! Nash walks off while the Savage Crew stands in the ring. Nash asks Savage to put down the bucket, and Savage complies. Nash asks the ladies to part the ring ropes for him - and THEY comply. Nash asks Savage to get on his knees and BEG for him to fight him tonight. Savage actually gets on his knee, but he begs the big Macho Man in the sky instead. Meanwhile, Nash's bag stirs - what, is Max Mini in there? No, it's a REALLY SMALL WOMAN - who takes the bucket and dumps it on Savage. What is that, tuna? Oatmeal? Refried beans? Eric Bischoff commences with the hyena laugh as if this was the funniest thing he's ever seen in his life. I bet he LOVED Cesar Romero as the Joker because he's a DEAD soundalike. Hey, here's a replay! You know what these EXCITING shots of a ring cleaning crew (taking time out to hold their noses for dramatic effect) remind me of? They remind me of the Crew dismantling the set so we could have NWO NITRO! So, you're watching this - and it's time for RAW to come on - what do YOU watch?

And you know what the WORST part is? Raw didn't DESERVE the ratings!

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE & BAM BAM BIGELOW v. THE MAN & CHRIS BENOIT (with Arn Anderson) for the World Tag Team Championship - well, if you hung on for another two minutes, you just MIGHT be rewarded - this match should be - well, I don't want to fall into a trap if Flair just screws him over... sigh. Bischoff gets another chance to give one of his "I've made mistakes" speeches, saying people like Benoit, Malenko, and Guerrero are the future of the company. Just a COINCIDENCE that all their contracts are coming up soon - gee whiz, Bischoff would NEVER just say something because he thinks people want to HEAR it. While on the subject of coincidences, how come THESE four get to wrestle right after Savage was slimed in this ring (and how well did they clean it up?) Benoit starts (uh oh) and does pretty well despite a fair attempt at a doubleteam - Bigelow taken out - but Page wallops him - off the ropes - Page ducks the lariat and hits a TOPE SUICIDA!! through the ropes into Bigelow. Page outside, Benoit on Page, both men back in. Page off the ropes, back elbow from Benoit. Shot to Bigelow - swandive headbutt on Page - Bigelow breaks it up - Flair comes in and chops away (woooo!) while Page and Benoit fight - CRIPPLER CROSSFACE! But Page is too close to the ropes. Why does listening to Bischoff shine on Benoit sound so friggin' phony? Elbow to Page, snap suplex - thumb-'cross-the-throat motion - tag to Flair - but the figure four attempt is kicked away - another attempt kicked away. Page with a right, Flair picks up the knee and drops him on it. Now the figure four IS on - Bigelow comes in - but his headbutt misses! Benoit is in - Page sat up in the corner. Double chops! (Woooo!) Now chops for Bigelow. Bigelow taken out with chops over the rope. Flair and Page - Flair asks referee "Blind" Nick Patrick to look the other way so he can give him a Golotta. I love that. Flair with a little dance, and a tag. Benoit is merciless. Patrick's calling spots! Off the ropes, Bigelow tries to get a shot, Benoit strikes back, then turns around to run into a Page lariat. Tag to Bigelow, there's the headbutt, and another, a third headbutt. Cover, no. Bigelow stomps on the head. Suplex coming up - very nice. Bigelow covers and gets 2. Tag to Page, who sucks, if the crowd is to be believed. Rather low elbow. Shot for Flair - Flair tries to come in but Patrick holds him back - doubleteam behind the ref's back. Did Page just steal Flair's "fat boy" line? Bigelow takes Benoit's head to the turnbuckle. Out of the corner, Benoit puts the feet up but Bigelow hits a clothesline coming out. Bigelow drags him over and tags. Elbowdrop is close to a sensitive area. Now stomping away to infuriate the fans - Flair is in and has him by the hair. While Page and Flair trade blows in one corner, Bigelow is having his way with Benoit on the other. Page gets in a low blow of his own on Flair, then returns to his corner to join his partner. Choke on the second rope. Now Page distracting the ref - Flair's walking over on the outside and getting some shots on Bigelow but Patrick's caught up. Meanwhile, Page is having HIS way with Benoit. Here's a HIGH powerbomb with a twist. Near fall. Benoit trying to claw his way back up - Page with the punch. Headlock. Bischoff announces that he's been told that Savage is unhappy - DUH. Benoit on his feet now - - picks up Page but doesn't gain much ground. Crowd trying to help up Benoit but they can't come up with a good chant. Benoit picks up Page again and gets some more ground. Page lets go of the hold and stomps away until Benoit is dead weight. Scoop and a slam, there's the tag and it's time for Bigelow's diving headbutt - but it MISSES! Flair leading the crowd in the rhythmic clapping - Benoit crawling - reaching - reaching - but Flair PULLS BACK his hand! And now he's WALKING AWAY! Something gets muted here as Anderson reacts with shock. Flair's outta here. Fuck you, WCW. Anderson REMOVING HIS SHIRT! HE'S GONNA TAKE FLAIR'S PLACE! Bigelow with an avalanche in the corner, legdrop to the back of the head. Crowd is going apeshit for Arn Anderson - camel clutch from Bigelow in the meantime. Crowd is doing everything they can to will Benoit to the corner - but nothing's going on. Now PERRY SATURN has come out to stand in the corner - the thinking being that there's a lot less risk for Saturn to wrestle than Arn. Benoit tags Saturn! Rights and lefts take Page down - springboard flying jalapeno - drop toehold on Bigelow - belly-to-belly suplex on Page - Bigelow taken out - Spicolli Driver on Page! 1, 2, 3! (12:26) Well...talk about a bittersweet victory. Nick Patrick awards the titles - so ... Ladies and gentlemen, we have new tag team champions. KANYON is out to celebrate with his good friend Saturn. But there's no hug - instead, Saturn gets a Flatliner. Meanwhile, Bigelow and Page are pounding on Benoit. Umm, where'd Arn Anderson go? Nick Patrick gets the Diamond Cutter for good measure. Saturn gets the Double Diamond Cutter. Page and Bigelow steal the belts and walk off. Tony quickly manages to put the whole story together for us - Kanyon probably wasn't attacked last week, and he probably didn't get released from the hospital, and he probably LAID DOWN last week, and and and...well, hell, when did Tony get so freakin' smart?

The Great American Bash is SUNDAY! Nash and Savage clash on pay-per-view!

DJ RAN, STORM, and SPICE get all up in my area. Hey, I WISH. Ran could take a hike. Storm can watch. Maybe film it.

SILVER KING y LA PARKA c. DAMIAN 666 y HALLOWEEN - this is apparently a "Mexican Hardcore match" - if it's even CLOSE to what it COULD be, it'll kick ass - I reckon it'll REALLY end with Hugh Morrus coming out and wasting all four of them. Parka takes his chair to Ciclope, Damian steals the chair and gets Parka - King takes out Damian, then puts a chair to him. Ciclope with a garbage can to King as he comes off the ropes - Damian follows it up with a clothesline - chair-assisted senton! Damian with the garbage can to Parka's head. Ciclope has the garbage can in the corner - Damian drop toehold from the Ciclope whip into the can. Another can put over Parka's head - Damian flies into the can. Shot for King. Backdrop over the top rope and Parka's out. Ciclope with the baseball slide into the chair, into Parka. Ready to fly - Damien whips him into a tope - and Parka puts up a chair to CLOCK him. Parka sets up the chair - and dances on it - so Damien kicks him to the floor. Silver King goes on to hit a dropkick high up in the air, to the chair, taking Damien to the floor - Silver King off the top rope - but Damien throws the chair at his head! You know, this looks pretty fucking painful - so I wish Schiavone and Heenan would STOP LAUGHING already and appreciate this. Parka back in the ring - kick to Damien's face as he tries to come in. Chair set up - Damien sat down - King holds him as Parka runs the ropes - tope through the ropes onto Damien. Damn. Ciclope off the ropes with a tope to Parka. Silver King is in and starting some rhythmic clapping to get the crowd awake. Garbage can toss over Ciclope's head - ASAI MOONSAULT FROM SILVER KING!! Dammit, Tony, STOP LAUGHING. Paint tray - garbage can - garbage can lid - La Parka dance - it's all running together for me. Damien set up in the corner now - chair in the centre of the ring. Fighting on the top rope - Parka pulls Damien out into the chair face first. 1, 2, no! Referee "Blind" Johnny Boone is glad to be around. Parka sets up Damien on top again - King sets up a chair - Ciclope wings him with a garbage can lid - and *Tony Schiavone* catches it off the rebound - yow. Backdrop over the top rope - Silver King on Ciclope - table spot coming up - no - Silver King stops it. Looks like - TORNADO DDT FROM THE APRON TO THE TABLE! King and Ciclope demolish it - King with the DDT, so he's in better shape (ha). Meanwhile, Parka and Damien in the ring - in the corner - table set up - Frankensteiner from Damien - NO! BLOCKED! SUPERPOWERBOMB THROUGH THE TABLE!!! 1, 2, KICKOUT!!!!!! *FINALLY* Tony and Bobby are impressed. Two chairs set up - Damien powerbombed through them - and I don't mean THROUGH them, because they DID NOT MOVE. 1, 2, 3. (7:14) You know, put some REAL commentators on that match and it's MATCH OF THE WEEK. Instead, I was just waiting for it to end. Sad, really.

Tony breathlessly hypes "Assault on Death Mountain." Hey Tony, assault THIS!

Konnan says something about being a Str8 up G and you should buy his shirt to be as cool as him - if you're reading this, you're probably TWICE as cool as Konnan ALREADY

Quick! What's wrong with this WCW MasterCard ad? Whyspyr? Check. Diamond Dallas Page, a heel, is the featured performer? Check. Old WCW logo in predominance? Check.

DJ Ran goes old school to keep it real, then he cuts up some C&W R&B for his man Curt Hennig.

Backstage, Scott Norton proves he's the SMARTEST MAN ALIVE by claiming to have watched his tape of Nitro and seeing his NWO black'n'white stablemates flee after the Cat done whacked him upside the head with a crowbar. The rest of the NWO folk try to suppress laughter and tell Norton it didn't really happen like that. YOU tell me they haven't been reading ScoopTHIS! when Norton complains that they didn't all get together after the match last week.

THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION THE CAT (with Sonny Onoo) v. ? - Oh boy, he's dancin'! He's James Brown! James Brown! James Brown! James Brown! James Bron! Cat runs his mouth - he shook up the world, taking Scott Norton down with one kick. The most amusing part of this spiel is watching ring announcer David Penzer make "I'm confused" faces to help underscore the fact that - gosh, that Cat - he's just so CONFUSING. The Open Challenge is on, something gets muted, and now Cat's roughing up DAVID PENZER. "Ladies and gentlemen, the Cat would like to be acknowledged by the fans here in Cleveland and all over the world on Monday Nitro as the Greatest of all time - and the Godfather of Soul!" Next thing you know, HORACE is out and a match is on. Horace takes care of the Cat, then decks Onoo. Unfortunately, he runs into a superkick. Scoop and a slam from the Cat. Oh, he's feeling it - there's a dance move before dropping the forearm. Step on the face. Off the ropes - flourish forearm doesn't work this time as Horace springs up. Chop time (woooo!), two, three - pose to the crowd - whip into the opposite corner - followup lariat. Onoo's up on the ropes and Cat's got the crowbar - in a split screen, we see the NWO Black'n'white laughing at Horace - but, after the whack and the pin (2:00), Norton doesn't think it's so funny when Horace doesn't get up. He suggests they run the ring, calling Cat something that gets muted (sigh). Meanwhile, Cat is in the ring doing his dead on JB impersonation - he's exhausted, he can't dance no more - NO WAIT! He throws off the robe and he's going again! He's - well, now he's sprinting, as the NWO is out to the rescue. Horace tries to play "amnesia" for laughs, and Stevie Ray dutifully squeezes in a "fruit booty."

Closed captioning where available sponsored by AMERICA (HA) ONLINE! Eh? What's that?

Hey look - it's the Nitro Girls! Heenan says "Never miss a step" and I do believe he's serious - oh Gosh. Tony proclaims his love for Spice - you stay away from her, you fat, married....oh sorry

GENE O. works tonight! and immediately sucks up to the Cleveland faithful. Then he calls out ROWDY RODDY PIPER for a slice of surrealism pie with unintelligble sauce on the side. Piper starts off with the EXACT same sucking up with the Indians and the Browns. Jesus. Piper says he's gonna make Flair bleed to death - hey, can you bleed in WCW? After he takes control of the company, he's gonna stir up some stuff. Piper says he's tired of the young punks whining about not being in the main event. After again infringing on Michael Buffer's trademark ("...to gruuuuumblllle!"), Piper calls out BUFF IS THE STUFF. Gene takes a powder. Is Piper acting the heel here? Piper asks Bagwell how many times he's done MSG - never. Bagwell tells Piper this isn't 1975 anymore - Piper asks what exactly "the stuff" is. "You're lookin' at it, man!" Piper says that after he wins at the Bash, he'll give Bagwell the ball - but if he drops it, he'll be after him. Bagwell promises that if he gets the ball, he'll run with it. Wha...? So, Piper's....he's running down Bagwell, but...

Why yes, here's ANOTHER mention of "Assault on Death Mountain." TUESDAY!

In a limo, we see Madusa 6 (but not the lucky cameraman!) call to Kevin Nash, who happens to be walking by - they call him over for a good time - Nash doesn't believe it. He calls them out to check out the car - and only sees a cameraman. He has the driver pop the trunk - seeing nothing there, he puts his bag in there (hey, is that chick still in his back? How will she breathe?) - he asks them if they want to get in, "oh no, you first" - Nash must be the DUMBEST guy alive, because he gets in and promptly has the door closed on him - the drivers' window lowers to reveal THE UNDERTAKER!! No, actually it's Savage. "You like being a smartass? Wanna go for a ride?" Then he pulls the limo up and parks it next to a dumpster, then calls out "Get 'im!" and a Hummer rams the limo. Three times, even! Nash punches out the window, but that's all he's got strength to do. Thank GOD he's not bleeding, though!

Okay, that was kinda cool.

Konnan hawks his shirt for the second time. Reread my earlier recap of this ad if you REALLY have time to kill

Tony says this is now a very different WCW Nitro, yet he sounds EXACTLY the same. Anyway...

BOBBY DUNCUM, JNR (with Curt Hennig) v. REY MYSTERIO, JNR (with Konnan) in a "winner gets to remove the Jr." match - Curt joins the commentators and laughs at Nash's predicament. Hennig's pretty cool. Rey and Konnan wear gas masks to the ring - actually, Rey hits the ring - Konnan goes over to talk with his good friend DJ Ran. Does Rey now also believe he's a bus? Apparently, we are blessed with Konnan performing colour commentator from DJ Ran's platform. Konnan tries to say something about the old guys to make the smarts happy, but it's SO OBVIOUS NOW. Listening to Hennig and Konnan, I can't help but think that THIS is what those Lincoln/Douglas debates must have been like. Konnan says "It's all good" about a MILLION times. Hennig: "Go get 'em, Bobby D. DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS!" There IS a match going on, yeah. Hennig: "What's the DJ Ran position?" Konnan: "It's all good!" Apparently, the broncobuster is now called the "rough rider." Well, Hennig's had enough - while Rey is trying for the Frankensteiner, Hennig gets on the apron and clocks him with a right - and into a Duncum powerbomb. (DQ 4:21) Get excited! Duncum and Hennig take on Mysterio and Konnan Sunday! The PERFECT bathroom break! Tony says his mind was away from this match, not only from all the banter between Hennig and Konnan, but because his thoughts are with Big Sexy Kevin Nash. Make your own joke here.

wcw.com promo

Tony shills the WCW Hotline

Tony and Bobby talk about Savage - he's the most dangerous man in sports, you know. Say, who was driving that Hummer anyway? Let Us Take You Back to a Replay of it in case you were watching some other show earlier - hmmm, some other show - hey, what else is on right now? Hey, how come Savage can say "smartass" and not get muted? And how come nobody's worried about the poor cameramen? Or the poor woman in Kevin Nash's luggage? Tony asks again, who's the Humvee driver? I'll bet we don't find out for three months! Or EVER! Tony says he thinks the World Title is in jeopardy. Oh no! Let's reflect on this with another ad break!

Local promo hypes the GAB

Tony tells us we don't know Nash's condition but medical help is on site - any further news of these grave developments and we'll pass 'em along. Geez, what was that - a forty second promo?

Didn't I just see this SMINT ad?

Didn't I just see this Norelco ad?

Didn't I just hear Tony shill the WCW hotline? Jesus!

DJ Ran, all up in your area, gets the crowd to say "Hell yeah," proving he's a closet Austin fan - then he congratultes the lucky winner of a SURGE T-shirt.

The STEINER BROTHERS walk out and I'm guessing that I'm spared from wrestling for another segment. Don't I have anything better to do tonight? It could be worse, I suppose - "Steinerline" could be playing. Scott: "Shut up! I'll be with you later on tonight, baby. You see all my hooches have a space to fill, and they all tell me I'm the big thrill! So believe me when I'm beteen [he forgot the "w"] the sheets, and I'm pushing the pink, there isn't a freak that'd ever think that I'm just an ordinary man - hell no! I'm SUPERMAN! Because I am the Big Bad Booty Daddy! So this goes to all my freaks out there, Big Poppa Pump is your hookup - holla if ya hear me!" Scott keeps talking but my fingers are tired. Basically it involves talking about Sting not having any friends in WCW despite the fact that we keep seeming to see Lex Luger nearby...or maybe I'm remembering it wrong. Rick takes the mic and says the Steiners are at the top of the food chain, and everyone else if fresh meat. "Sting - I catch you anywhere in the Dog Pound, and I'm gonna take you out! So everybody in the back - you don't like me, bite(mute) You want some, come get some - 'cause I'm the DFG and I back down from nobody!" Why did they mute "bite me?" I'm thinking those CENSORS should (mute). HEY! I only said "lay off the button!" Is "lay" a bad word now? It is? Oh. Sorry.

I think this is the third break in a row starting with that SMINT ad. I don't mind it as much 'cause that chick's dress is REALLY short, but, come on - there IS such a thing as saturation...

Where there's SMINT, there's Norelco

Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Grip'n'flip wrestlers, the Super Soaker CPS, Travelodge (home of the dorky bear - I mean SLEEPY! SLEEPY!) and IceSport from Aqua Velva AAAAND Western Onion

Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight where a cute little contortionist dumped something bad on Savage - hey, did Savage say "kick your ass" in THAT segment as well? Savage is on FIRE with the cursin'! You know, that stuff actually kinda looks like Underwood Deviled Ham.

Again Tony asks who drove the Humvee. Hmmm....Jake Roberts? Savio Vega? Hal Linden?

DISCO INFERNO comes to the ring and actually asks that they cut his music - see, he's serious, no dancing! He says that Bagwell already dropped the ball - he had the chance to look Roddy Piper in the eye and tell him that he stinks, and he didn't do it. Buff's got no guts, and Buff's got no stuff. No wonder he got kicked out of the Wolfpack! Inferno challenges Bagwell to come down and show him that he's a man.

DISCO INFERNO v. BUFF IS THE STUFF - Tony falls over himself to say that Eric Bischoff has EXCLUSIVE information about Kevin Nash, but only on wcw.com RIGHT NOW. Oh man, I missed an opportunity to tell Bischoff what I thought of his crappy television show? Oh well. So Eric's not gonna tell US on TV? Bagwell tells Disco that he may have been kicked out of the Wolfpack, but Disco was never IN it. This makes Disco unhappy, and he attacks. Tony picks up a Walter Conkrite anchorman accent for about 15 seconds here. Bagwell, of course, quickly turns the tide, plays to the crowd, and doesn't lose the momentum until Disco Inferno manages a couple Golottas. Schiavone is still asking who was driving the Hummer. Hey, maybe it was Vince McMahon! No, wait. MAYBE his initials were "E.B." Oooh, what a shocker THAT'D be, huh? Disco cheats a lot, then, of course, goes for the neck. The neck will be the focus of EVERY Bagwell match from now until the end of time. Disco tosses Bagwell through the ropes, then poses. Now he's outside and after him. Head into the ringpost. Stomp. Hey, let's have an ad break so this match can last a little longer!

"Assault on Death Mountain" world premiere hype

SMINT ad (again)

Hey, you think there'll be a Norelco ad here?

No, but we DO get a local promo for the JEE AY BEE

We're back and that's some headlock Disco Inferno's got on Bagwell - but wait! His leg is twitching! Elbow, elbow, elbow, breaks the hold, off the ropes, Bagwell wears TOMMY - Sunset flip for 2! Disco Inferno with a lariat - 1, 2, no. Forearm from the second rope finds nothin'. Too much posing! Buff's on fire - off the ropes, baack bodydrop. Lariat. Right. Off the ropes, swinging neckbreaker for 2. Off the ropes, Disco ducks, off the ropes, HE hits a swinging neckbreaker. Tony is one note - whodrovethehummer, EricBischoffisonthewebsite. Maybe that's two notes. Blockbuster. Thank you, drive through. 1, 2, 3. (8:04) IMMEDIATE AD BREAK

Hey, THERE'S that Norelco ad! I guess I won't go through Smint ad withdrawl...

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro LIVE is brought to you by Nestle Crunch - eaten by all sorts of fat animated cartoony characters.

SPICE sure makes glowsticks look good - hey, I have a glowstick she could use...oh God, I'm SORRY, that sounds SO awful. I blame Jocelyn Enriquez for recording "A Little Bit of Ecstasy," and totally ripping off Planet Soul in the process.

THAT was the whole segment?

One more Great American Bash promo - thank God, no more of these until next year

RANDY SAVAGE (with Madusa 6) v. (THIS IS) STING - "Big Sexy's gone - and now - another one bites the dust - Sting is finished oooh yeah!" You know, sometimes I almost forget that Savage is bald. Just kidding. Sting rushes the ring and they scatter. Wowwwwww! Gorgeous George jumps on Sting's back to start - Savage with punches. Eyegouge. Outside we go - Sting meets the STEEL barricade - now with his throat. Miss Madness with a sleeper while Madusa kicks away. Four on one - yeah, Sting'll win. Back in the ring, choke is on, much to referee "Blind" Johnny Boone's dismay. Savage runs Sting's face along the top rope, oops leaving no makeup on the rope. We just had an earthquake at 0912! Savage standing on the neck. Well, it felt like it. Savage makes threatening motions to Boone, then goes back to Sting. Stinging jabs with the lefts. "We want puppies" chant? Heh. Savage distracts the ref, so there's a tripleteam from the ladies. Savage stands on the neck for 4, then does it again. Sting thrown through the ropes. Savage follows. Sting's head meets the commentator table. To the barricade, clubbin' blow on the back. The women up on the apron again - here's the international object - no, it's powder - right in Sting's eyes - hey, how did Boone miss that big CLOUD when he turned around? He's a professional! Sting set up on the top rope - FrankenStarla? No, Sting shoves her off! Savage just leveled Boone with a right. PILEDRIVER! I think this match is effectively over. MICKEY J. comes out to ring the bell. (DQ 4:14) So Savage chucks HIM out of the ring. Right to Sting - Sting FINALLY comes back, and with a vengenance. Savage in the corner - Savage pulled Miss Madness in front of him to block the Stinger splash! Another corner - Madusa thrown into the corner by Savage! Gorgeous George stands between Sting and Savage - Savage at least pushes HER away (hey, which one is he sleeping with again?) and takes the Stinger splash this time. RICK WOOF WOOF is out, though, and he's on Sting. Here's SUPERSTAH SCOTT STEINER as well, here's a belt shot to Sting's head - ahh, there's THE NARCISSIST come out wielding a baseball bat. Sounds like a good time to duck out before Luger turns heel on us again. (Luger wears FUBU?) See ya at the Great American Bash!