Hmmm...

What the hell's wrong. You're recaps have really been bad these past two week. Are you havin some post-birthday depression? I mean with this crap you've been putting out you should be writing the heel column at PWI, instead of recaps. Just remember when something gets you down just blame Bischoff. A lot of wrestling fans just blame him for ruining Nitro. I say take it further. Blame him for the war in Kosovo, blame him for the downfall of western civilization if you have to. If you continue this " I'm out of the demographics" rant, or "Nitro is the worst exscuse of a wrestling show ever" than your readership will surely fall faster than Patterson when he runs out of Viagra. Anway with this whole Sportsline thing coming you really need to improve your game. Both shows were horrible Monday, but that's beside the point. Snap out of it Zimmerman? (Time to write this letter: 5:06. Is it even letter writing anymore?) - James Hagan

"this whole..." WHAT thing?

Chris, I sincerely hope that you'll be staying on as a OMnday recapper, if not an alternative one, or that somehow Rick and Mike have decided to give you another option, becuase frankly I think you're one of the best Monday recappers out there. That guy on wrestline blows. - Adam Engel

"wrestleline..." Geez, I feel like I've HEARD that word before...

I hope those farewells this week don't mean that you're going to stop writing the Monday night reports. Don't quit, you're the best recapper on the net. I'm going tohave to sit through all 3 hours of Nitro to find out what happened if you do. - Shaftor993

Why is it okay for ME to sit through all three hours of Nitro?

Did you get my last invitation? I didn't see a reply. - Dusty

Your WHAT? To WHAT? Who ARE you? Did Hyatte put you up to this?

Hey CRZ, You know, your recaps never get any better. They're destined to hover around the "pure shit" to "god, when will it end?" talent scale. However since you're such a great guy I've got a suprise for you, but you will just have to wait for the July 26 live Raw from Cleveland to see all the signs I've dedicated to you're wonderful weekly recaps! - Aaron

Oh, the suspense. Will I even be DOING this by 26 July?

If you ever give up the Nitro report, I deserve the exposure and/or credibility that wrestlemaniacs.com can afford me. - Anthony Gancarski

That's not very Cru of you, Tony. Happy birthday anyway.

...it's on. It's REALLY on. I mean, it is absolutely ON. - Rick Scaia (paraphrasing the Cracka Eazy-E)

And away we go...

Hi, my name is Christopher Robin Zimmerman and I do this little report on what happens in the exciting world of pro wrestling. I first did this in September, 1992, when wrestling was decidedly uncool and my audience was a few hundred university students and tech geeks hanging out on USENET's rec.sport.pro-wrestling. It was my small way to give something back to a community of people that didn't mind that I liked to watch a badly acted soap opera for guys masquerading as sport on Saturday, Sunday and Monday - in fact, they'd even talk to me and with me about it.

WWF Prime Time Wrestling gave way to Monday Night RAW in January, 1993 and I became the first RAW reporter online with the very first show. I became known as "the RAW guy" on r.s.p-w. I argued with Herb Kunze a lot (actually, not all that much, but you exaggerate everything when you look back) and, in the process, helped foster appreciation of the WWF in a forum that spent a great deal of time talking about Wrestling I Did Not Watch. Some would say that's its problem now, but it ain't MY problem!

In September 1994 I just up and quit. I was burned out, I was tired of writing show reports, and my VCR failed to tape RAW for the first time ever so that was a good enough omen for me. Kevin James Podsialik stepped in and the rest was history...

...until March 1998. I'd gone on to actually get real jobs paying real money, moved out of my parents' house, bought a car, doubled my CD and vinyl collection, and was still spending a good chunk of Monday night (and the odd Sunday) watching wrestling. Rick Scaia, who I'd helped out with a majordomo mailing list for the NFD, not to mention my former tag team partner (and the man I managed to the RSPWF World title - what to you MEAN you don't give a rat's ass?) wrote me to say he was expanding Online Onslaught and would I come out of retirement to provide Monday reports? Flattered, I said yes, and on 6 April 1998 I sent Mike Samuda the first reports for RAW (which I hadn't done except as a guest host for a month in '96) and Nitro (which I'd NEVER done).

Did you know I was their second choice?

It just kinda took off from there, didn't it? Writing is like riding a bike - or something. See, a sentence like that just doesn't come to life on it's OWN - you have to have a general idea of the tone behind it, the personality, the ... well, you DON'T really, but to REALLY appreciate something above and beyond, it helps when you know where it's coming from and who's doing the typing behind it.

Even though I like to think I'm doing the same reports I did back in '92, the truth is I've done a lot between now and then and it's come out in some semblance of style - you look at the first report I did and it's still ME...but it isn't me.

What's the point to all this?

Well, there isn't one. Just that...my Spider Sense is tingling. I haven't written a good long expository opening for quite a while, and I don't know I'll get the chance again - at least not here. DEFINITELY not on that other site.

And, like it or not, this past 15 months with WrestleManiacs has helped become a defining influence in my life. I've become "CRZ," whoever that is, mostly because it's a real pain in the ass to type out my name if you're not me, and I think many of you were worried you'd come up with a nickname or shortening of my name that would offend me when you wrote. Ha! A lot of things have come out of this - and hardly any bad. And for that, I have each and every one of you online visitors to thank.

There's a fork in the road up ahead - but every path leads into fog. I don't have a map. I probably don't need one, though. I'll just follow the one that looks the most like me. Anyway, I'll try to leave a light behind for you to find me no matter which way I go.

How's THAT for metaphor? I didn't even know I had it in me!

Okay, let's start the DoingLines.com report. The editor will get the text below - if you're bored, you can compare this to what goes up on that site (if it goes up?) and see what my future holds on The Only Wrestling Site Bill Cosby Will Surf While Sitting Next to Mike Wallace:

I GET LETTERS: Got a very nice note in the snail mail from Martin Zacks, a contributing editor over at IEEE Internet Computing. Your description is so much better than actually viewing the shows that I now just wait to read about them on Tuesdays. It's added three hours to my life, I don't have to listen to the word "puppes," and I don't have to switch to another channel when my wife walks through the room. Damn, is this guy LUCKY to have me around or what? Ha! Anyway, coming from a REAL writer, I'm very flattered to receive such kind words - and thanks very much for the nice gift, too!

In the interests of balance, here's a hatemail excerpt for you: Cut the porn star crap. How would you like it if people who posted would call your mother or wife as cheap slut. You are te only person with so little class that has to hide his talent behind cheap shots.

Yeah! I'm UNIQUE!

I hope Hak wrestles tonight, I really do.

WCW - home of the six-pointed Jewish logo

LAST MONDAY: MASTER P. JOINS WCW - TV-PG-DV - RODDY PIPER BECOMES VICE-PRESIDENT - CLOSED CAPTIONED - BUFF BAGWELL PINS FLAIR - KEVIN NASH CHALLENGES SID VICIOUS - oh and Sting did something

Opening credits - do not stare directly into the logo

A Humvee arrives backstage - Team Savage climbs out - hey, we don't see the driver. A limo arrives and parks next to it - Kevin Nash climbs out and tries to get a glance at the driver of the Hummer - which pulls away with Nash running after it.

Hey, look, it's (four of the) NITRO GIRLS! MIA this week is Jazz, Spice and Chae. Well, hell, there's really no reason to watch them at all, now, is there? By the way, a got a letter from a friend of a friend of a friend of ... I mean "one of my many inside sources" who said that Jazz had to have some foot surgery and we won't see her until late July as she can't dance while she's recovering.

WE ARE LIVE from the SUPER!dome in Nawlins, LA 21.6.99 for WCW Monday Nitro - ONLY on TNT! FIREWORKS!

DAVID PENZER: "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to WCW Monday Nitro, New Orleans, Louisana's very own MASTER P. with T.R.U.!"

Hey, look, it's MISTER P and SILKK DA SHOKKA and SEA-DOO come out to rap along with whatever was played over the PA, presumably a hit of P's which sold millions of copies despite the fact that I've managed to never hear it until now. "Hootie Hoo" is said a lot - I'm sorry to tell this to WCW, but I have determined that this is a secret "code" used amongst the urban populace. It means - now I'm warning you - look away if you don't want to become disturbed - please, I'm BEGGING you - "hootie hoo" means "Kill Whitey." There, I said it. I'm as scared as you are! This rousing performance, slightly more skilled than your standard lip sync, is met with ... I would characterise it as "a restrained response" from the live crowd. I made out something like ZERO of the lyrics, which is probably good for me - and Bob Ryder! P promises a big No Limit party. P asks the crowd to make some noise - and the crowd dutifully answers with "Make some noise." Umm....

If you had to decide between this and a Konnan video, what would YOU choose? No, death is NOT an option, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Do I DARE point out that This Is Not Wrestling As I Know It?

Well, just pretend I didn't then.

Hey, let me share with you how pathetic MY life is. I TAPED "WCW Nitro: Festival de Lucha" last Saturday so that I could hear the Spanish announcers NOT laugh during the Mexican Hardcore match. And it was worth it. I believe it will be rerun one more time next weekend - check your Telemundo listings. So, if you ever miss anything REALLY important on Nitro, keep in mind you can watch it in Spanish a week later, and a week later after that.

K-Dogg shills his shirt. I bet you can buy it off some link on WrestleLine. I mean, *I* wouldn't, but hell, I'm not gonna stop you, especially if you're a str8 up G 4 eva!

Konnan speaks in license plates, doesn't he?

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and BOBBY HEENAN. Tony asks "Who's driving the Hummer?" Hummer. Hahahahahaha. Oh, the sexual overtones. Hummer. I wish they'd say it again. Hummer. Hahahahahahahaha.

Hummer.

Let Us Take You Back a Week to the Great American Bash, where Curt Hennig broke a CD in front of Master P and the No Limit Soldiers, causing them to triumphantly cry out "hootie hoo!" Later that night, (the massive) Swill interjected himself in the match between Duncum & Hennig and Mysterio & Konnan, despite WCW's repeated efforts to educate fans about the dangers of illegally jumping the rail. The next night, Hennig, Windham and Duncum ruined Mysterio & Konnan's hard-fought victory by playing "I Hate Rap" over the PA.

This portion of the WCW Monday Nitro recapfest and adbreakoramathon is brought to you by Valvoline - you can always tell the guys who slick up with Valvoline!

Backstage, Lenny Lane debates the merits of yellow trunks or purple trunks - I guess he didn't get the memo from Eric Bischoff about the yellow. Lodi approaches him with "love the purple trunks" and ... it just gets gayer from there. Massage is involved. Lane says he lasts a long time and has great stamina. A bottle of hand lotion is on a shelf nearby. Lane says it feels good and Lodi has great thumbs. Christ almighty, I have enough problems denying I watch pro wrestling because it allows me to exercise otherwise repressed homoerotic tendencies - and they throw up THIS? Good thing THAT girl's not speaking to me anymore - she'd have a FIELD day with this and all her degrees!

Hummer Hummer Hummer. Whew, I feel more balanced now.

That was the whole segment?

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (check out Randy Savage pre-hair!), Naya bottled water, the Super Soaker CPS 2500 & 3000, Motel 6 7/8, IceSport from Aqua Velva, and ToasterBreaks Pizza from Hot Pockets!

This is a WCW onsale announcement - Friday, be first in line for Nashville, Little Rock, Jackson, and Memphis for Nitro. Saturday, Battle Creek, Sioux Falls for Nitro, and Colorado Springs for Nitro!

Tony shills the WCW hotline because matches waste time that could be better spent with ads, valuable ads

DJ RAN is all up in your area - he wants to know where the rowdiest section in the building is - I'm guessing it's the beer stand as people hurry to get pissed to remind themselves they're paying to sit through these ads live. Tony says "all up in your area" but I made fun of it first.

PSICOSIS v. (billy) KIDMAN - Psych covers the camera with his towel because he's the COOLEST mofo on EARTH. Commentators are too busy talking about Hennig and Master P to bother with this trifling piffle of a match. "Boy, he had this place rockin', didn't he?" Have another. Lockup, side headlock from Psychosis - Kidman pushes him out of it, off the ropes, shoulderblock, sliding dropkick to the head - yow. Big-time pounding and a pose to the crowd for the luchador. Into the corner, foot on the throat. Psychosis give referee "Blind" Billy Silverman what for, then goes back onto Kidman. Off the ropes, Kidman slides through, kick to the gut, off the ropes, duck, Kidman with a flying headscissors - dropkick - clothesline to take him outside. Will he fly? He's on top - PLANCHA! Kidman throws him back in the ring. Slingshot into a guillotine legdrop as he comes in - 2 count. Elbow - set up on the top rope - gut shots - Psychosis fires back and there's a superfaceplant for 2. Psychosis argues the count and a brief shoving match ensues. Psychosis decides the ref might win in this contest, so he goes back to Kidman with a sliding dropkick and more stomping. Pose to the crowd - who boos dutifully. Into the opposite corner, reversed, Kidman with a clothesline as he comes out. Commentators talk about the young'uns. Into the corner, Kidman puts up a boot, but runs into a clothesline as he comes out. Psychosis throws him through the ropes and follows to the outside. Whip into the STEEL barricade - Psychosis breaks the count and comes out again - rolling him back in - posing on the apron and he's back in through the ropes. Head rammed into the turnbuckle. Off the ropes, head down, Kidman kicks. Charge - backdrop but he lands on the apron - head to the turnbuckle - Psicosis runs the ropes - dropkick! Kidman to the floor. Here we go - SPLIT-LEGGED MOONSAULT from the apron to the floor! Psychosis rolls him into the ring and slits his throat - off the top rope - but Kidman dropkicks him on the way down. Psychosis is up first - but Kidman slips behind the suplex attempt - "short powerbomb" for 2. Kidman with the right, whip into the corner - splash misses as he steps aside. Psychosis sets him up on the top - superhuracanrana but lax cover - 2. He's going to the top again - replay on the big screens is ineteresting - somersault into a leg lariat - only 2. Powerbomb - YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN! Kidman pulls him into position and it's time for the shooting star press - Psychosis stirs - Kidman changes his mind and comes off with a single stomp. As Kidman hits a belly-to-back, we cut to RANDY SAVAGE, SID VISCOUS, and MADUSA 6 walking to the ring. There's a chokeslam by Vicious on Kidman. Savage holds Psychosis up for the big boot from Vicious. (DQ 8:04) Crowd is right to boo - not because these guys are heels but because it SUCKS to not get a finish in this match. Savage tells Sid to powerbomb Psychosis and he complies. Here's (THIS IS) STING - Sid leaves the ring, so does Savage. You tell ME why Sting would save these guys. Hot DAMN Madusa is the finest woman on earth tonight. Must be the glitter. Or the boots. Well now BIG POOCHIE KEVIN NASH is out to make sure we haven't forgotten about him - hey, did you get the Poochie episode of the Simpsons on the syndication tonight like I did? How weird was THAT? "Hey Sting, I got a question for ya. You didn't put a hand on those guys and they just left - what's with that? I watched the tape back last week - I see you get out of a black Hummer and grab Rick Steiner - what's with that?" Sting gets a mic. "Let me just go ahead and put an end to your thought process right now and tell you *I* was not driving the Hummer." "I'm not accusing ya of nothin', but I'll tell ya right now, if I find out it's you, you're gonna deal with me, guarantee that, Franchise boy." Crowd boos - is Nash turning heel on us? Schiavone: "I tell ya what, I wasn't thinking about it before...who WAS driving that Hummer?"

Hummer.

Ha ha ha...

TCI drop-in local ad hypes King of the Ring - always an amusing juxtaposition when it happens.

In the President's office, Flair and Piper rant and rave - hey, for Bash at the Beach, how about Sid and Savage against Nash and Sting? Piper says "RPVP" a lot - hey, I get it! Roddy Piper Vice President! Piper says Sid vs. Sting would make a great main event for free tonight - if you think it actually happens, smack your own wrist for me.

Let Us Take You Back to Last Week and the Great American Bash, where Buff Bagwell clumsily cost Piper his chance at the WCW Presidency by getting Piper disqualified - listen to Heenan and Schiavone STILL have trouble getting this story across despite the fact they've had two Mondays to figure it out. Here's Piper decking Malenko - here's Bagwell cleaning house but ultimately going down at the hands of the tripleteam. Here's Benoit and Saturn going down at the hand of the Triad. Here's that eight man tag people STILL talk about - here's Bagwell pinning Flair. Isn't it interesting that neither Saturn nor Malenko really got tagged in in that match? Makes you wonder what's up with their injuries. Or maybe not.

LENNY LANE v. THEMONSTERMENG - Lane's really greased up here - ewww. He's also sporting a Jericho-esque unicorn horn hairdo. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. Ahahahaha. Themonstermeng's really letting his Tongan afro go, isn't he? Too bad he can't afford new tights - he's still got the "FACES OF FEAR" pants on. This particular match could be a main event in ANY ARENA IN THE COUNTRY! Crowd chants "Faa-git, faa-git" and they're quickly turned down to silence. Lane shoved away by Themonstermeng. Lane tries to lead the crowd in syncopated clapping but they ain't buying it. Side headlock from Lane - Themonstermeng calmly picks him up and drops him - off the ropes - leapfrog. Lane with chops, slaps, and headbutts - which Themonstermeng calmly absorbs before hitting a headbutt and chop of his own. Now LODI is out, and he's even got some signs. Lodi's painted his nails purple - no doubt to match Lane's trunks. Sign says LODI RULES - another sign says YOU CAN WIN LENNY. Lane scales the ropes, but Themonstermeng puts on the Tongan death grip, then beals him over while holding the pinch - 1, 2, 3. (2:58) Lane complains to the camera, and Themonstermeng says "hooaamahooaalala." Lodi fans Lane, then rubs him while the Chant continues. I'm kinda hoping next week Lodi and Lane re-enact the newly restored bath scene from "Spartacus."

An "NBA Win or Go Home Moment" rubs it in for all the Sacramento Kings fans - I missed what they were advertising because of the tears in my eyes. DAMN YOU UTAH JAZZ! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

Closed captioning where available sponsored by America (ha) Online!

Hey, look, it's half of the Nitro Girls! Uh oh - I think I see Kimberley's ass cheeks! Somebody alert the media!

The Dynamic Duo share a light-hearted moment.

Let Us Take You Back to Last Week, where Rick Steiner and Hak fought near a black Hummer - Hak went in, but Sting came out - Rick was run into the side of a conveniently placed RV, but NOW we must ponder the timeless question for the ages: "What's with that?"

That was the WHOLE segment.

Boy, the WWF went to town on the TCI local drop-ins - here's an ad for the live event at the Shark Tank Friday 16 July. The Rock - The Big Show - Stone Cold Steve Austin - The Undertaker - don't ya dare miss it! Unless you got something better to do - I dunno

A presence is lurking - it's out there - Bash at the Beach is SUNDAY 11 JULY! Order now, it's NEVER too early!

The WCW/NWO Superstar series presents "Kevin Nash: the Outsider" and "NWO 4 Life" available in "better" stores everywhere!

TONIGHT: a Graphic! Sid Vicious vs. STING! Why is STING in all caps? I DON'T KNOW!

In the ring is MISTER P & THE 2 UNLIMITED SOLDIERS - today's a special day, hootie hoo, we're gonna get bowdy bowdy rowdy rowdy hootie hoo! It's Silkk da Shocka's birthday hootie hoo! "Who know how it go?" P invites a crazy fan with a bad wig into the ring to lead "Happy Birthday" Did they pay the royalties beforehand? Hootie hoo! CURT HENNIG, resplendent in cowboy hat, boots, jeans, brings a gift to the ring. He comes in peace and he has a gift. "You better not be playin' no games, towel boy!" THIS is the segment to lead into RAW? Yeah, I'll stay tuned because I've GOT to know what's in that package. Hennig says he's terribly sorry about the CD that fell out of his hand. He understands the message that P's sendin' out to all these great people. Hennig's developed a twangy drawl all of a sudden. Hennig offers the present - P won't open it, so Hennig opens it - it's a cowboy hat. Crowd boos. Seth takes the hat and says it's what he always wanted - and then he stomps on it - then they smash cake into Hennig's face. Now...these guys are the FACES, right? Everybody says "hootie hoo!" Hennig walks off, despondent. You know, I really think he was trying to reach out - I believe his apology was genuine - and he was met with THIS response. This just ain't right. Poor Curt Hennig. "Hootie hoo!" Crowd response is - well, I didn't notice. Which, when you think about it, can't be all that good.

How much did they pay this guy again?

Tony has the chutzpah to shill the WCW Hotline ONE MORE TIME.

JUVENTUD JUICE GUERRERA v. EDDIE GUERRERO - Guerrera goes to great pains to not trip on the catwalk - and then trips on the catwalk on his way down. TV-PG-DV ratings box appears for the second hour, which is the first time that's actually happened in forever. The FCC must have gotten to them. I think instead of confusing both of us with "Guerrera" and "Guerrero" I'll just go with Juvi and Eddie. Bobby: "I guess when you're a kind man, there are No Limits." Bobby correctly points out that Hennig was just being a good guy, while Tony lamely says Hennig got what he deserved. Man, Hennig was REACHING OUT. How can this crew have such a "positive" outlook if they're gonna turn away a guy who is REACHING OUT to them? I'm just sick over this. Anyway, welcome back Edd(y)ie!! He's still the man, the man you love to react to because he MAKES you react - with a single look as he walks the aisle. This is his return to the ring. Juvi embraces Eddie, who doesn't return the favour. Juvi offers the hand of friendship - Eddie points to his noggin as if to say "I don't forget what happened. Then he pantomimes Juvi removing his LWO shirt. Juvi tries to explain the LWO disbanding but Eddie just SLAPS him. Commentators, of course, miss this whole story. Juvi, perhaps thinking he deserved that one, walks back to Eddie - who promptly delivers a kneelift and a knife-edge chop (wooo!) Eddie is on fire with kicks and stomps, another chop. Juvi taken off the ropes but he slides through - charge but Eddie hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Eddie cries to the crowd. Head to the turnbuckle - taken into the corner - "diggin' the grave" motion - charge, but Juvi steps up and catapults him over his head into the turnbuckle. Knife-edge chops from Juvi. Off the ropes we go, reversal , tilt-a-whirl, Juvi flips through - Gutshot from Eddie - powerbomb reversed into a faceplant. Snap rana from Juvi - 2 count. Slaps Eddie, who was going to offer a handshake - Eddie, chest beet red, slides outside to take a breather. Back in, Eddie complains of a hairpull to referee "Blind" Randy Anderson. Anderson turns to Juvi, who turns to Anderson - distracted just enough for Eddie to charge with a dropkick to the knees. Belly-to-back suplex. Eddie pulls him up by the hair and sneers to the crowd. Through the ropes, Eddie follows. Whip into the STEEL barricade. Eddie slaps the commentary table and yells to the commentators that he's back. Juvi tossed back in - Eddie follows. Off the ropes, sleeper applied. Because this is an interesting match, we must take an ad break. God damn WCW.

When we come back, Eddie's got Guerrera in an abdominal stretch, and he's punctuating it with elbows to the ribs. Here's a scoop slam. Outside the ring - trademark swandive headbutt misses but he tumbles through. Off the ropes - Eddie tries for a powerbomb but Juvi flips over and down for 2. Hard lariat from Juvi but Eddie pulls the leg to bring HIM to the mat. Elbowdrop to the knee. Vertical - no, brainbuster for 2. European forearm, slap, slap. Eddie puts the sleeper back on. They're calling spots! Juvi elbows out - off the ropes, back in the sleeper, Juvi quickly slips behind and turns it into a belly-to-back suplex for 2. Juvi picks him up - but Eddie manages a small package for 2. Crowd is dead and they suck. Now Eddie gives them THE LOOK and they immediately break out into "Eddie Sucks" - so the braintrust at Master Control turns down the sound. Elbow to the back of the neck, again, off the ropes, Juvi ducks - there's a - bulldog. Off the ropes, flying head scissors from Juvi. Eddie's up - eyepoke. Into the corner out into the opposite corner, reverse, up and over the rope on the charge, Juvi on the apron with a duck, head to the gut, hairpull to take him down, on the top turnbuckle - call to the crowd - missile dropkick! Eddie slides to the outside. Time to fly! Off the ropes - TOPE SUICIDA! No hands over the top rope to the floor! Eddie hits the barrier hard on impact. Juvi rolls Eddie back in - now HE's on the apron - springboard into a somersault senton - Juvi driver signaled - but when he picks up Eddie, the move is reversed into a Gorry special - Eddie goes into a helicopter spin and drops Juvi on his neck. Eddie to the top rope - FROG SPLASH! 1, 2, 3. (11:35) Eddie immediately reclaims a spot in my personal Top 5. Get him a belt!

THE ALL-NEW FORMER WORLD'S TELEVISION CHAMPION PRINCE IAUKEA v. THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION THE CAT (with Sonny Onoo) - In a perfect world, James Brown would run in and KICK the Cat's ASS for even DARING to imitate him like that. Crack WCW cameraman finds racist poster to put on air. Iaukea decides not to leave, and gets the first shot in with a right hand. Fists are flying. Off the ropes, dropkick. Off the ropes again, Cat slips outside the ring to take a powder. Why am I transcribing this match? Cat back in and complaining to referee "Blind" Johnny Boone. Even this ruse doesn't work as the Prince is back on him. Well, there's a savat kick to stop that. 1, 2, kickout. Cat with chops. I wonder if it was REALLY a savat kick - pity Eric Bischoff isn't out to educate me. Cat throws Iaukea out so Sonny Onoo can get some stomping in. Cat comes out but Iaukea gets a second wind - until Cat throws a drink on him - now Iaukea tries very hard not to slip on the wet mat - and fails following a whip. Two barefoot guys - Cat MUST be brain dead to spill water all over the outside mats. Whatever. Prince back in, Cat back on him. Cat playing to crowd. Scoop and a slam. JB flourished karate chop. Iaukea comes back for no explicable reason - into the corner, reverse, back elbow to stop the Cat's charge, enziguiri, Samoan drop, hooks the leg - 2 count. The Prince has been turning heel for some time, so hell, let's book him against a heel to confuse us all. Now Onoo's up on the apron - oh boy - the ruby slipper's been passed to Cat. Prince with rights - Cat ducks, there's a crescent kick (says Tony) - there's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home ... damn, Cat's still in the ring. (4:28) Requisite JB tribute follows. Here's a replay - here's another. That crescent kick DOES like pretty damn brutal, though, but that's just the way it landed flush on the Prince's face. Ha!

WCW's Themonstermeng EXPLODES onto tonight's episode of Mortal Kombat! If only I'd had a VCR running at 2am!

HUMMER!

(khris) KANYON v. BOOKA T. - Kanyon revises his question to "Hoo bettah dan Kan-YONE?" like he's been watching a Justin Wilson marathon. Crowd forgets how their supposed to answer. Welcome back, Booker T.! Get yo bad self a belt! Hell, wrestle Eddie Guerrero for it - I wouldn't mind seeing THAT. Tony reminds me that I haven't told you the attendance is "twenty thousand plus" but I see a lot of empty patches out there. Oh, Kanyon is wearing a tag team title belt - like you care. They take turns calling to the crowd, and Booker T. gets the louder response. As he should. Open-handed slap by T. - Kanyon rushes, they move into the corner and referee "Blind" Nick Patrick breaks it up. Lockup, armdrag by Booker T. makes Kanyon unhappy. Gut shot, right hand, another right, clubbin' blow, Kanyon's putting it together - no, never mind, there's a reversal of the Irish whip into the ropes - hiptoss attempt stymied. Countered hiptoss attempt also fails. Booker T. hits the hiptoss with his next attempt and gets a 2 count. Commentators, meanwhile, are busy taking turns saying "Gorgeous...George." Sigh. Kanyon tells the camera that nobody's better than Kanyon despite the fact that he's been shown up twice. Damn fine "Boo-ker T." chant from the crowd - maybe they DO have taste after all. Here we go, lockup, side headlock, chain wrestling sequence and back to the side headlock from Booker T. To the ropes, Kanyon to the body with rights. Elbow to the back of the head. Off the ropes, reverse, shoulderblock from Kanyon, off the ropes, leapfrog, over, dropkick from Booker T. for a near fall. T. to the armbar. Kanyon kicks out and kicks out but doesn't get to the ropes. Booker T. stands over Kanyon now and works the armbar. Kanyon to his feet - and to the corner. Hold broken - Kanyon with a head to the gut. Another - looks a little low on that shoulder. Eye gouge finds the mark. Kanyon to the ribs, and now to the back of the head. Off the ropes, Booker T. ducks, flying jalapeno! Clothesline takes him out of the ring - raise the roof on this sucka! I can dig it! AD BREAK? Hey, just KILL MY BUZZ WCW.

"Pirates of Silicon Valley" is a TNT Original and it's NEXT! And you can bet I won't watch it!

When we come back, Kanyon, who has apparently been stalling on the outside during the break (good of him to do that for me) - Booker T. is chasing, Kanyon in, and he gets the shot in as Booker T. reenters. Double sledge to the back. Elbow to the back of the head. Whip out, reversal, massive lariat follows. Time for the ten punch count along. Kanyon groggy but still reversing the Irish whip into the ropes. Clothesline ducked, spinning heel kick ducked, Kanyon's gutshot DOES hit - Powerbomb attempt - Booker T. goes back to far and lands on his feet and Kanyon falls to the mat. Kanyon quickly recovers and hits a swinging neckbreaker. 1, 2, no. Both men look like they need to recover a bit more from the botched sequence. Scoop and a slam from Kanyon. Kanyon on the second rope - legdrop! 1, 2, kickout. Kanyon with a "reverse Boston crab" - a Boston crab with Kanyon standing backwards. Crowd tries to bring Booker T. to life here - T powers up and pins the shoulders down but only gets 2. Kanyon hits a field goal kick and T. goes outside. Kanyon following. Here's a whip into the STEEL barricade. T. crawling away - Kanyon back on him - looks like a trip to another barricade - only THIS whip is reversed and Kanyon's back hits the STEEL. Patrick is out to try to get this back in the ring, and T. rolls Kanyon back in and calls to the crowd with an "Ahhhhhhh!" T. on the apron - head to the gut - springs over the top rope - but Kanyon catches the Sunset flip attempt and turns it into a - let's call it a Northern lights variant - and gets a 2 count. Kanyon pulls back on the arms and puts the knee between the shoulderblades in a "surfboard variant." T. is in pain but won't give up. He's on his feet! He's trying to turn it - and does! Kanyon kicks the abs after the 180 spin. Up - and down with a sidewalk slam. 1, 2, KICKOUT! Kanyon can't figure a way to put him away - front facelock - vertical suplex. Kanyon on the apron - over the top with an elbowdrop - but T AGAIN kicks out at 2 (why didn't he put his foot on the rope?) Kneedrop from Kanyon. Now it's time, says Kanyon. Stomp, stomp. Right hand, but T. fires back. They trade rights again. Kanyon puts him in the corner - punch - stand on the throat. Patrick pulls him back. Snapmare takeover out of the corner. Knee to the shoulderblades. Commentators have given up on calling the match - elbowdrop for 2. Booker T. shakes his head no but he's dead. Kanyon tries a belly-to-back suplex, Booker T. falls on him for a pinfall attempt - 2. Kanyon with a lariat to take him down. Only 2. Rear chinlock from Kanyon and the crowd is gettin' kinda ancy. Nuts to them. T. reaching to the crowd, who gets into it - he stand up, elbow to the gut - powered him off, off the ropes, Kanyon hits a side Russian legsweep - turns him over - 1, 2, barely kicked out before 3. Back to the rear chinlock. T. reaching up again - elbowing out - but Kanyon holds on and takes him to the mat again. Again T. gets up - again Kanyon grabs the hair and pulls him down. T. up a third time, elbows, snapmarealike takeover to escape the hold. Kanyon gouges the eyes again. Into the corner, out of the corner, T. up and over, big kick from T. Off the ropes, clothesline ducked, spinning wheel kick NOT ducked. Off the ropes, flapjack, breakdance, Harlem side kick. Raise da roof! T. to the top rope for the missile dropkick - DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE is out - FUCK - T. takes him down with a right. TRIPPA B is behind him. (DQ 17:11) T. gets a shot on him - then Kanyon waffles him with the belt. Here's the Flatliner from Kanyon (too bad, like, he couldn't do that during the MATCH) Page gives a Diamond Cutter to Patrick, and now Bigelow and Page do the double diamond cutter across the tag team title belt. Hey, WCW, do you really think it's a GOOD idea to ask me to invest seventeen minutes in a match so you can deliver a FUCKING run-in screwjob? Go to hell.

GENE O. works tonight! He quickly gets out "shank of the evening" and then invites out THE MAN & VEEP PIPER (with Arn Anderson & Asya), who come out dressed to wrestle and with chyron as if they WERE wreslting tonight. "Theme from Roddy Piper plays" as the assembled quartet slowly make their way to the ring. Piper speaks first after Okerlund botches "milennum," then gets local heat by talking about the Saints. He's here to stir up some gumbo, heah. He calls "Buffy" Bagwell a whiner, then compares him to Austin Powers in an exceptionally hip reference. Piper goes on to call Bagwell a "liar," for even daring to say he beat Flair. Flair also seems pre-occupied with Bagwell tonight - although he DOES take time out to tell a punk kid to keep his mouth shut. Apparently, Buff's girlfriend came calling last night and Flair showed her why he was called Space Mountain - "Rod - I almost died on Buffy's girl last night, woooo!" Here's BUFF IS THE STUFF, who can't seem to get out of his jacket on the way to the ring but somehow manages. He gets one shot on Flair but Piper takes charge. Then he holds him for Flair - referee "BLIND" MICKEY J. is in the ring - is this a handicap match?

BUFF IS THE STUFF v. THE MAN & VEEP PIPER (with Arn Anderson & Asya) in a handicap match - Piper disrobes while Flair gets in more shots to the ribs. Boot rubbed on the face. Buff doubled over - knife-edge chop (woooo!) takes Bagwell to the match. "So you can beat Ric Flair, huh? Tonight - [kick] - tonight you got the Hot Rod and the Nature Boy all by - [stomp] - yourself, punk. Come on brother, let me see you make the same noise your girlfriend made - this is a match!" J. rings the bell to open the match, Flair still has the mic. Chop. "Let me hear that noise your girlfriend made last night - wooooo!" Mic dispensed with - chop (woooo!), chop - Bagwell turns it around and peppers him with rights. Flair turns it around and chops, but Bagwell hulks up and punches away - Piper is in to stop it. Flair tries again - Bagwell comes back - into the corner, back bodydrop as Flair comes out. Flair takes the hair and pushes him through the ropes to Anderson - but Bagwell takes out Anderson with a single right hand. Gutshot from Bagwell - Sunset flip - Anderson holds the hands but J. breaks it up - 1, 2, NO!! Flair with another irght to Anderson, one to piper, and a chop for Flair - and the strut to the crowd and pose. On the outside, Flair and Anderson regroup. Piper stands in the corner and asks for the tag. Bagwell with a pelvic thrust. Lockup, off the ropes, shoulderblock from Flair, drop toehold from Bagwell - spinning toehold! Is he going for the figure four? Piper is in to put a stop to this. Right hand. Piper drags him to his corner and goes outside to receive a tag. Here's the worst atomic drop in the world - Bagwell responds with one of his own. Bagwell ducks a right hand and hits an inverted atomic drop. Buff blocks Piper's punches and hits his own. Scoop and a slam. Commentators herald Bagwell as the second coming. Chinlock by Bagwell. Flair comes in the ring and kicks away. Stomp to the head. Flair back in his corner as Piper puts some sort of hold on. There's a bellclap. Sleeper! Crowd is bored. Bagwell to one knee. Arm fall once. Arm fall twice. This sleeper took out Hogan. Arm falls NOT thrice. Yap. Bagwell's trick knee acts up and the hold is broken. Piper crawls to his corner and makes the tag. Flair with the chop (woooo!) which takes Bagwell to the mat. Flair climbs the ropes - THAT MOVE NEVER WORKS! Bagwell with the beal - three consecutive clotheslines. Off the ropes - dropkick misses when Flair holds onto the ropes. Flair going for the figure four but Buff grabs him into an inside cradle for 2. Buff with "Iblockyourpuncyoudon'tblockmine." Repeated rights from Bagwell. Back elbow - into the corner - FLAIR FLIP! Lariat on Flair as he runs the apron. Flair asks how much time is left in the match and when J. goes to ask, he hits the Golotta. Tag to Piper as J. tells Flair how much time is left. That gets me every time. Piper with an uppercut and now with the thumbs on the throat. Bossman straddle! Sign in the crowd says "BUFF can STUFF my BAG WELL" - I'm offended. Get Bob Ryder on the case! Piper fondles himself by way of suggesting Bagwell's poorly endowed. DEAN MALENKO tries to get in the ring but Mickey J. denies him. Flair and Piper trade off while his back is turned. Apparently he's allowing Dean to be the tag team partner, so he stands in the corner and screams to Bagwell. Meanwhile, Flair is styling and profiling. Bagwell puts a boot up - Flair chops twice - Bagwell reverses it and now they're toe to toe, back and forth, now it's all Buff. Off the ropes, Buff ducks and hits a clothesline. Malenko again calls to Bagwell. Bagwell in bad territory - but working over both Piper and Flair with elbows and punches. Straining to reach Malenko - Flair pushes Buff out of the ring, but he makes the tag! Dean Malenko is a house afire! Back bodydrop on Flair! Dropkick to Anderson on the apron! Flair chops, but Dean reverses and throws rights. Off the ropes, head down, Flair with a kick - atomic drop attempt is countered - right hand takes Flair to the mat. Time for the Tejas cloverleaf but Piper's back in one more time. Right hand from Malenko, knees - Arn Anderson is in behind his back - Malenko has ANDERSON in the cloverleaf! Piper's got knux - there's a shot on Bagwell! Mickey J. is trying to get Bagwell to release the hold on the nonparticipant while Piper rolls Flair onto Bagwell - Anderson's tapping but it does no good. The zebra turns around and sees the cover - 1, 2, 3. (10:24) Flair gets back the pinfall. 1-800-COLLECT sponsors the replay - Dean's on fire, but Piper's deadly with the knux. Malenko has the cloverleaf on Anderson - Buff hits the blockbuster (I missed that - I'm guessing the live camera angle might have too) on Flair but Piper's in right after. Piper: "Young kids - glass jaws - ONE punch!" and we go to the ad break...

THUNDER! ad features Scotty Riggs and Silver King. Feel it - THURSDAY!

THIS portion of Nitro is sponsored by Skittles - the candy to eat when you're REACHING FOR THAT RAINBOW!

Hey, look! It's half of the Nitro Girls! Oh oh - I see ass cheeks again - better alert Bob Ryder so he can write a "Nitro is PORN" Notes from Bob!

Still to come - a graphic featuring Sid Vicious and STING - Tony: "It's Sid Vicious - boy is he psycho, huh? Reminds me of the Boss - Man, was he Big!"

OF COURSE THAT WAS THE WHOLE SEGMENT!

wcw.com spot - ALEX WRIGHT? Geez, that's like that 9 month old Fall Brawl image on MiCasa's WMTV - check out Alex Wright and British Bulldog when he could still walk!

Konnan sells his T-shirt - one more time.

KONNAN & REY REY (with the 2 Unlimited Soldiers) v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE & (khris) KANYON (with Trippa B) for the World Tag Team Titles - now, WHICH of those guys is Sick Boy again? Konnan speaks on dis and the crowd fails to answer correctly. Rey gives a shout out to Brad Armstrong and Chase Tatum, who are apparently No Limit Soldiers - WOW, WHAT A POWERHOUSE OF A STABLE. Brad Armstrong AND Chase Tatum! I guess there's no Sick Boy then - unless he's black now. Kanyon and Bigelow make that Triple Threat sign on their way down because it makes the Internet smarts go "Hmmm..." Just for a switch, I think I'll be the ONLY guy on the 'Net not to make that "Mini-me" joke. Mysterio and Page start. Lockup, Page shoves him into the corner, then laughts - Rey charges, Page with the boot - and the backbreaker into the gutbuster (or whatever Tony amusingly called it). Page deposits Rey on the rope for Bigelow while the Soldiers and Kanyon have some moments. Referee "Blind" Billy Silverman is dutifully distracted elsewhere. Off the ropes, Rey slide through - there's the quebrada - Kanyon's in, Kanyon's out - springboard dropkick takes Page down. Tag to Konnan - off the ropes, back and forth Konnan vaults Rey onto a modified Thesz press. Konnan covers and gets 2. Off the ropes, tumblin' lariat. Clothesline for Kanyon as he runs in. Jawbreaker by Page stops the rally. Tag to Kanyon - who runs into a drop toehold. There's a guillotine legdrop to the back of the head from Rey. 2 count from Konnan. Tag to Mysterio. Off the ropes, reversal - Ret reverses into a deep armdrag takeover. Right hand from Rey, right hand to Page to take him off the apron - just for kicks, Mysterio hits a pescado on Bigelow, but Page is there to take Mysterio to the STEEL steps. Konnan tries to walk over, but Silverman goes out and stops him. Plenty of distractin' goin' on while Bigelow press slams Mysterio over the top rope into the ring. Kanyon gets a two count. Ad break coming up, and I just can't WAIT to get back to this match. Ah-ya-ya.

When we come back, Bigelow is in - Silverman tells him to get out of the ring - Page is in and standing on the back of the head, which is on the turnbuckle. Konnan leads some synchronised clapping while Page continues to stomp on Rey. Off the ropes - tilt-a-whirl into a sidewalk slam for 2. Page stomps on the head while Konnan chomps at the bit fora tag. Page stomps on the hand for larfs. Off the ropes, Mysterio manages a flying headscissors. Rey tumbles through and makes the hot tag. Kanyon's in - Konnan's on fire and his balls are so big he must shake his pants! Konnan whips Rey into the "rough rider" on Page while Konnan shows his balls to Kanyon. Somewhere in all this page pushes Konnan into a Kanyon clothesline for 2. Bigelow's up in the corner - Page distracts Silverman while Kanyon hits a legdrop between the legs. Tag to Bigelow - kicks the knee. Right to the head. Elbow to the head. Choke on the second rope. Tony accuses WCW of having "logic" behind the three men changing places at will. Cover for 2. Bigelow puts on the armbar after the tag - Kanyon between the shoulders with the knee. Tag to Page. Gut shot from Page, Russian legsweep from Kanyon, flourished elbowdrop from Page. Page has Konnan in the facelock and Kanyon grabs the leg to trip him up and take him to the apron. Rey leads cheers. Konnan back to his feet - now they're doing the "good guy lifts up Page in order to get a few steps closer to the tag." Bigelow gets up on the apron to distract Silverman so Kanyon can come in. Doubleteam in the corner. Kanyon with a scoop and a slam - Kanyon up top - moonsault misses. Konnan slides to his corner - Kanyon tails to tag, but Konnan doesn't. Rey in with a springboard Thesz press on Kanyon. Right hand for Page - tope suicida through the ropes for Bigelow - Konnan in - leapfrog - back kick, breakdance, faceplant. Cue run-in. CURT HENNIG, BARRY WINDHAM, BOBBY DUNCUM JR., PERRY SATURN, CHRIS BENOIT, KENDALL WINDHAM, the Soldiers. Cue garbage from the fans. Can you blame 'em? THE MASSIVE SWULL is out. MISTER P and the rest of the 2 UNLIMITED SOLDIERS are out. God help us all. Rey says "It's the no limit sooooldiers!" P says "hootie hoo!" Can anybody tell me what the HELL just happened? (DQ 12:35) Oh. Well, thanks parenthetical timekeeper. I was just wondering exactly how much of my life I just wasted watching that. P says "hootie hoo!" Crowd says ... nothing?

Coming up: One more look at that graphic - it's Sid Vicious - it's STING - who do you trust?

Promotional consideration paid for by David sunflower seeds, Travelodge (where that bear SHOULDN'T be out on the road!), IceSport from Aqua Velva, Hot Pockets from Hot Pockets, and the tangy zip of Miracle Whip salad dressing!

I'm guessing there's no wrestling in the next segment.

Assume the position! The Bash at the Beach logo will not be denied! Join it or die! Can you do any less?

MICHAEL BUFFER is out - thank GOD. If ANY other announcer had had to introduce the combatants in this main event match, I am *positively* sure my head would have exploded. Does Buffer's hair seem a little off tonight?

Vicious apparently has no music and enters alone. Buffer works the word "vicious" into the intro about a MILLION times. I'm a little worried here - there's ten minutes left in this show and they CAN'T have Sid wrestle for all of them! Well, I was wrong about the no wrestling in this segment - of course, it's Sting and Sid - har har har.

SID VISCOUS v. (THIS IS) STING - your referee is "Blind" Johnny Boone. Sid quickly has a few words with him, probably asking how long 'til softball season. Sting calls to the crowd as only he can. FINALLY we lock up, to the corner, break is not clean but Sting ducks the right hand and scoots into the centre of the ring. Well, here's RANDY SAVAGE & MADUSA 6 and none too soon. Sting complains to Boone and Savage whispers something in Vicious' ear. See, I call him "Viscous" because he's such a SLIPPERY, FLUID wrestler. Ha! Sid back in the ring - looks like Team Savage is stickin' around at ringside. Madusa is SO hot. Will they lock up? No, Savage grabs the boot - and pulls him to the outside - but Sid stomps on Sting while he's on the apron - Boon yells at Savage while Sid hits a ... deliberate ... right hand. Another right, straight to the heart. Off the ropes, Sting comes off and takes his face to the mat. Off the ropes, reversal, big boot from Sid onto the face of Sting. Sid does the Wonder Twin Powers fist with Savage. VULCAN NECK PINCH! Sid thinks better and takes Sting to the second rope - choke - Madusa with a gutshot while Savage talks stocks with Boone. Sid off the ropes with a boot to the head. Again a running stomp on the head. I'm worried I can't type fast enough to keep pace with this blistering dervish of a match. Right hand from Sid. Sid backing up - getting a full head of steam for the - kick to the gut - whee! Sting manages a kick to the gut, another, right, right, chop, right, off the ropes, Sid with the lariat. Sid tells us that that hurt - and it hurt bad. Thanks for taking the time, old buddy. Sid asks the crowd to please quiet down, but for some reason this makes the crowd louder. Sting steps aside a big boot and now he's kicking away field goal style on Sid, who's laying across the corner on the top rope. Time for the STINGER SPLASH! Time for Savage to run in and screw THIS match (DQ 6:11) - Boone is quickly dispensed with while Savage and Sid put on the slowest doubleteam ever seen by modern wrestling man. Powerbomb is cut short when THE NARCISSIST runs into the ring with a chair. Will he turn on him TONIGHT? Savage yells out "what the hell" near the commentators, then appropriates a chair of his own. Sting approaches Luger, who's standing in the middle of the ring with the chair - hey, I think he's gonna have that press conference now! Where's Liz, though? Here's a lot of shots of people staring at each other. Wow, lookit the rack on Madusa. I think they ended early. Savage takes the mic and makes fun of Sting and Luger, and tells them they're in their sites. Oh, and Sid's a really Vicious guy, don'cha know. Sid tells them they'll feel the Madness. All this cross-promotion is killing me. Sting says they have two words for them - and the crowd says "suck it" - oops, I'm SURE that wasn't supposed to air. QUICK, end the show!

Where was Shane Douglas? Didn't EVERYBODY swear he was showing up tonight?

Oh, well. I'll take Eddie Guerrero over him ANY day.

In short, WCW blows. Good night!

8 matches, 73:26 bell to bell to bell to bell...