|
/wrestling
|
|
|
/wrestling
|
WCW Nitro |
|
BLAH |
Because we've gotten so much mail on the subject, we'd like to clear it
up once and for all. CRZ's recaps will appear in their entirety on
WrestleLine. The humor and commentary that his fans love and expect - the
same humor and commentary that made us want to have his columns on our
site - will continue to be present. We may remove an f-word here and
there, but we WILL let CRZ be CRZ. Ramble on, CRZ. Translation: When we stops making us money, he's out on his ass. FRICK YEAH! Keep the cards and letters coming! They LOVE getting feedback! QUICK QUOTE: SportsLine USA (SPLN) 33 3/4 (-1 7/8 from last Monday) - apparently, nobody's yet told the investing community about this exciting wrestling thing that's taking the world by storm - or maybe they DID and THAT'S why they're off two points - naaaah WCW - where the big boys eat kosher LAST WEEK: Flair and Piper flirt with the TV-PG-DV ratings box. Buff Bagwell feels a doubleteam - Malenko spontaneously offers his hand in partnership, but Piper's international object seals the deal. Hennig approaches a ring full of brothas and delivers a closed captioned logo and a cowboy hat to Silkk da Shokka, and gets a cake in the mush for his generosity. Hootie hoo! I mishear "cowboy" as "towel boy" and get letters. Team Madness beats up Kidman and Psychosis, then walks away when Sting approaches the ring. The brain trust signs a Sting & Nash vs. Team Madness match. Nash says "What's with that?" Sting says he didn't drive the Humvee. Except he says "hummer" instead. Sid & Savage beat up Sting, but Lex Luger is there to scare THEM off. Opening Credits - the building is on fire but I CAN'T STOP DANCING Here's a black limo - here's Ric Flair and Bruce MacArthur (United Center guy - remember him?) and hey, Charles Robinson is back! No, sorry, that's David Flair with a Naitch haircut and dye job. God help us all. Ric and Bruce tell David that this is HIS building and HIS night - after tonight, when David wins the heavyweight title, the statue of Michael Jordan will be replaced with one of David Flair. When David...what? Hey, look - it's the NITRO GIRLS! Well, four of them anyway. WE ARE LIVE in Chicago, IL 28.6.99 - the United Center hosts WCW MONDAY NITRO, a live broadcast on Turner Network Television, and tonight David Flair gets a shot at the World Heavyweight title and Kevin Nash! Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and BOBBY HEENAN. Apparently, now, the General is as nutty as Flair. Hey, remember the last time they were here in Chicago with this show and MacArthur had Bischoff arrested? THEY don't! TONIGHT! Curt Hennig's country video! Hey, what's the first syllable of "country" again? Why, it's A WORD YOU CAN'T SAY ON WRESTLELINE! THIS portion of WCW Monday Nitro LIVE is brought to you by Milky Way! And you can bet I'M gonna MILK IT! A REAL MAN'S MAN STEVE REGAL & FIT FINLAY (with David Taylor & Union Jack) v. PERRY SATURN & CHRIS BENOIT - Let Us Take You Back to THUNDER! and welcome back Steven Regal - about God damn time this man was back on my television. The WWF BLEW it with this guy, I promise you. Not that he'll bring the ratings back to WCW or anything. Union Jack isn't a person, it's a flag - dummy. Saturn's theme sounds suspiciously like Marilyn Manson, which takes me back to that month that "The Beautiful People" opened every episode of WWF RAW. Tonight, a video - a world tag team title bout as Malenko & Benoit get a shot - the Cat & Disco Inferno have ... a dance contest. God help us all. Despite ALL this, within the first ten minutes we have a match starting between people I ACTUALLY give a damn about and should be quite good. Finlay and Regal - I forget - why are they getting along again? It doesn't matter. "USA" chant makes an unheralded return and it hurts the ears of the firey Irishman and the cool Brit. It's Finlay and Benoit - lockup - to the ropes - Finlay takes it to the corner - semi-clean break. Regal's the MAN. He even looks less fat than before. Finlay with the wristlock, Benoit down - pops back up - Finlay flips the armdrag and Benoit hits the canvas. Back up slowly - right hand breaks the hold. Chop from Benoit - off the ropes, and down he goes. Benoit shaking off the wrist. Finlay has a discussion about Benoit's elbow and referee "Blind" Randy Anderson assures him it was legal. Side headlock from Benoit - really grinding it in - Finlay down - as he gets up and powers out - off the ropes, Benoit slides under but eats a lariat - it's time for an ad break. FRICK YOU, WCW! When we come back, Finlay has Saturn into the forward roll slam - now he's through the ropes to Taylor, who is more than happy to choke him with the flagpole. Unfortunately, the ref is occupied with Benoit. Rolled back in, there's a European uppercut. Off the ropes, clothesline. 1, 2, Saturn kicks out. Got him in the fireman's carry again - dropped on the top rope - tag to Regal. Kicks all over the place - Regal's patented bicep exaggeration! That's always funny. Into the corner, European uppercuts and other assorted shots, then he stops at four to jaw with Anderson. Kneelifts, double kneelift - now out of the corner, takes him down by standing on the back of the knee - and here's a shot to the back of the head. Elbow - palm thrusts to the head. "You bloody (something)" has an odd resonance as if a mic was turned on somewhere. Into the corner - Saturn reverses - Regal puts on the breaks but rushing him runs into a belly-to-belly overhead suplex. Both men down, Regal makes the tag as Saturn crawls in the wrong direction. Finaly scoops - and slams. Elbowdrop. 1, 2, but the shoulder rolls up. Finlay BEGGING him to get up, then hits an uppercut. Threat to Benoit - Benoit comes in so Finlay opens up Saturn for a shot from Regal. Sleeper hold - Saturn shrugs it off, pushes him into the ropes, then puts on a sleeper of his own. Regal steps in - Benoit steps in - Anderson turns to Benoit so Regal gets the flag from Taylor and CLOCKS Saturn with it. Finlay covers. 1, 2, no! Benoit reaching - both men tag! Benoit's a house an fire - back elbow, knife-edge chop, another, Finlay gets some, Regal off the ropes, clothesline. Snap suplex - swandive headbutt! Finlay in - Benoit puts the Crippler crossface on him! But he forgot about Regal, who gets a shot on him before Saturn's in. Regal catches Saturn, in fact, with a drop toehold and floats over into an STF. Benoit breaks THAT with an elbow to the back of Benoit's head. Taylor on the apron - Taylor down quickly. All four men brawling in the corners - Regal whips Saturn while Benoit whips Finlay - Back body drop on Finlay - Spicolli Driver for Regal. 1, 2, 3. Bah. (11:01) Of course, Benoit & Saturn have the tag team title shot at the Bash, so they win. DJ RAN is all up in my area and wants to know where the rowdiest section in the building is. I wish he'd go find out by walking around instead of talking on a mic and playing music. Also, he's wearing a Sox jersey but asking where the Cubs fans are. Whatever. In the office of the Prez and Veep, Piper and Flair remind us that they're nuts. Flair tells Piper that the General's promised a statue ten times bigger than Jordan when Dave wins. They're stopped by - I think that's Van Hammer - who requests a title shot. Hey, THERE'S Charles Robinson! Anyway, Piper says he can have "Steiner" tonight. Hey, WHICH ONE? Ohhh, I suppose it doesn't matter. I think Arn confirmed Rick. This Friday, Shreveport! Saturday, Monroe! Next Monday, Atlanta for NITRO! Tuesday, Columbus! And Wednesday Montgomery! THESE are the places where you can kill time and money by watching WCW in person! Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Naya, Super Soaker, Motel 6 7/8, Armor All shiny stuff, and Hot Pockets' Toaster Breaks pizzalikes. Isn't it about time Slim Jim got some shots of Savage with his new hair? THUNDER! ad features "soft-core" Van Hammer. What does THAT even mean? New Bam Bam Bigelow T-shirt ad. Sure, it's funny NOW, but how funny will it be when they're playing the SAME ad six months from now? Hey, can you still get those Monday Night Jericho shirts? GENE O. works tonight! He takes us back to a clip of Randy Savage injuring Charles Robinson with his top-rope elbow, which I'm sure will play into the interview to come. And now here come THE MAN, ARN ANDERSON, CHARLES ROBINSON and ASYA to make noise. First thing Flair does is call out VEEP PIPER to make his *own* entrance, thus ensuring that this segment be rendered totally unsalvagable. Piper goes off about Howard Stern - and the sad thing is HE could probably save this company. Piper says that there's ONE young man that has some morals and respect in him - and that man is David Flair. Piper calls Kevin Nash "the Giant of our sport" which probably makes a few people nervous. Apparently, tonight's title bout will be a lumberjack match - hey, I bet them lumberjacks are gonna be friendly to the people in the ring, too. Flair says that while the political structure won't ever let him be champ again, tonight his son will be Champion. Flair goes on to invite out Savage, because he wants to give him a public apology. Does the word "clusterfrick" come to mind? Possibly. Here's RANDY SAVAGE, SID VISCOUS and MEDUSA 6. Vicious does some quick raving during the walk to the ring to remind us that he's "psychotic." Flair says that tonight, they all need to bond together in hatred of Nash - Robinson will ref, Flair, Piper and Anderson will all be there, but they need some more lumberjacks - and will they agree? To sweeten the deal, Flair promises to relegalise the elbowdrop if he agrees - THIS causes Robinson to go ballistic and remind us of his punctured lung, the tube in his chest for two weeks, and so on. Robinson is quickly brushed aside. Flair turns to Savage, who says he doesn't care about much of anything anymore - as long as Nash no longer holds the title, the ends justify the means. Vicious says "Let the madness run free!" a couple times and the gist is Savage and Vicious are on board. Flair says once again that everyone will be saying "I wanna be like Dave! I wanna be like Dave! I wanna be like Dave!" Here's a closeup of someone painting his fingernails purple. Dig this as we zoom out to Lodi and Lenny Lane. Lodi: "Lenny, why are you shaking so much? Easy strokes, easy strokes." Lane: "You know Lodi, I'm just really worried about this. What's WCW gonna do when they find out about us?" Lodi: "Lenny. Relax. It's not like we're the only ones in the company..." and then he goes to the back rub. Lane: "Yeah I s'pose you're right. WCW IS pretty open-minded. But I'm STILL a little worried." Lodi: "Lenny - settle down. You got me - and I got you, babe." Anybody wanna bet this turns into a bad Saturday Night Live sketch? Tune in next week when Lodi says "Whaaaat? But that's INSANE!" Yes, friends - LODI THE EFFEMINATE HETEROSEXUAL! By the way, Lane's acting skills rank slightly below "bad porn." Elsewhere on the Web, Bob Ryder will hail this as "the type of aduly, edgy storyline that will return WCW to their previous dominance, much like when they won 88 weeks in a row." Here's a Special Video Look at Sting, Nash, Vicious, and Savage. Bash at the Beach is 11 July! Tony shills the WCW Hotline. LODI (with Lenny Lane) v. EDDIE GUERRERO - "LODI IS BACK ON NITRO" - "LENNY IS COOL!" - "DO YOU LIKE MY SHORTS" - "LODI RULZ" - let's go back to last week in case you missed THAT exciting Lodi/Lane action. Following his trouncing at the hands of Meng, Lodi was there for Lane. "WE DON'T CARE FOR CHICAGO" Tony stirs the pot with "a bit of a bond has formed between these two ... they are - they are TOGETHER, Brain - Lenny and Lodi are ... out here TOGETHER." Hey, Tony, can you please SPELL IT OUT FOR ME, PLEASE. Eddie has this match because he's after all his former LWO stablemate, and who can forget that fateful night when Lodi removed his LWO T-shirt and...wait a minute. Tony goes on to misidentify referee "Blind" Scott Dickenson as "Charles Robinson." To the corner we go, Lane holding Guerrero's heel. Lodi's tights advertise www.lodipage.com - I can't *believe* they let that blatant self-promotion through! Dickenson is quickly squashed as Guerrero reverses a whip while he's talking to Lane on the outside and has his back turned. Lane comes in to try for the doubleteam, but because Guerrero is the MAN, it's no problem. It also helps that he ducks a Lodi kick and Lane takes it. Guerrero with an arm wringer on Lodi - scales the corner - tightropes the top rope into a missile dropkick on Lane - armdrag on Lodi - there's a brainbuster, very nice. Eddie to the top - Lane in and begging off - now covering his - "friend" - never mind the 69 position there. Eddie decides he better just frogsplash both of them and does. Dickenson comes to and counts 3. (1:26) Eddie walks out and makes the "couple of fags - what can you do" pantomime, which saves this entire segment for me and I forgive them for sticking Eddie in this match because nobody else could pull off that kind of reaction. Replays brought to you by Valvoline. Coming up later - the "I hate Rap" video, kicking off the Rap is Crap World Tour! Closed captioning where available brought to you by Meineke! (Eh? What's that?) Good God, MORE Promotional considerations - they must have figured out they get their biggest audience in the first hour! David sunflower seeds, America (ha!) Online, Hot Pockets from Hot Pockets, the tangy zip of Miracle Whip salad dressing (put it on your Hot Pockets! Mmmmm!), and Judge Wapner for the Scam structured settlement company whose name I forget. Torrie and David have joined Piper, Flair and Asya. Piper says they need three more lumberjacks - say, maybe Bigelow, Page and Kanyon could seal the deal. "I wanna be like Dave!" DJ Ran gets down while simultaneously getting all up in my area. Ran says "Is Chi-Town rockin'?" and then the audience says something that Steve Austin usually asks them to say. COMING UP: Disco Inferno and the Cat get their own graphic! Because this is no ordinary match, my friends - oh, no - it's a DANCE CONTEST! That was the whole segment, too. You know, twelve minutes of wrestling in this hour makes Nitro look more and more like that other show EEEEEEEEVERY week... 1-800-CALL-ATT has a special THUNDER! themed spot which I'll try to better summarize next time. Hey, look, it's some of the Nitro Girls! They have a swimsuit spectacular PPV coming up, I heard somewhere. HAK (with a woman who once performed fellatio in a pornographic movie - but how would YOU like it if it were YOUR wife or daughter? The shame! The horror! How DARE we continue to dredge up these sordid details simply for the entertainment of our reading audience! WHEN WILL THIS MADNESS END?) slowly walks to the ring. Hak's walk takes just a bit longer this week. "Yo! Anybody here wanna see me get EXTREME? Yo! You wanna see me get hardcore? Huh? Apparently there's a nut in this building that doesn't like my kinda matches! So - Ric Flair - I'm gonna ask you to walk that aisle 'cause I'm callin' you out - right now!" Hak's wearing a "Sweet Chastity" T-shirt, I am forced to note. Flair fails to appear. Crowd boos - because of Flair? Because this isn't wrestling? TRIPPA B responds instead, carrying one of the tag team titles - on his way down he asks the crowd if they're just booing him because he's from Jersey. Yeah, that's it, Bam Bam. Hak's lost his voice, meanwhile. Looks like this is a match... HAK (with Pornstar and kendo stick) v. TRIPPA B - Hak turns his back - bad idea. Assorted stomping ensues. Avalanche in the corner. Right hand takes him down. Head to the buckle. Hak puts up the boots and Bigelow runs into 'em. Clothesline from Hak. Hak puts him through the ropes. On the apron - splash doesn't happen as Bigelow catches him, then puts him into the unforgiving STEEL ringpost. Bigelow grabs the kendo stick and goes after Chastity - but they don't DO that here, so instead he gets back in the ring while Chastity helps Hak back in the ring. Near fall for Bigelow - here's a rear chinlock to kill a little time. Bigelow turns to Chastity long enough for Hak to sneak in a back elbow. Bigelow quickly back on him. Hak punch at air in an attempt to start some synchronised clapping, I guess. It doesn't work. Big boot from Bigelow for 2. Commentators are busy talking about everything but this match. Bigelow back to the chinlock. Scoop and a slam. Time for the headbutt as Bigelow scales the ropes - but it misses! Hak with a right, right, Bigelow down - Hak's jeans riding a little low there - somersault off the top rope MISSES and Bigelow's back on him with stomping. Crowd is excited beyond all get out - just kidding. Hak off the ropes with a flapjack as KANYON runs out - Hak has the stick and there's a shot to Kanyon. Here's DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE and HE gets a caneshot. Wild swing on Bigelow misses - gut shot - Side Russian legsweep with the kendo stick - but Page is in and there's the Diamond Cutter. Of course, "Blind" Billy Silverman is discussing "Live Bait" with Kanyon on the apron so all this is missed. Bigelow covers - 1, 2, 3. (4:44) I believe Page sums up my feelings when he exclaims "Good God!" Graphic of Disco Inferno and the Cat again. Time for me to get a cup of coffee! With a howl, the unmistakable music fires up - Tony automatically assumes it's the Champ because Scott Steiner must not be around this week. Sure enough, it IS the centre of our universe. As BIG POOCHIE walks to the ring, Tony exclaims that he's been so wrapped up in the numbers game for tonight's lumberjack match that it's taken him almost 75 minutes to bring up "who drove the Hummer?" for the first time tonight. By the way, does anybody SERIOUSLY believe David Flair vs. Kevin Nash will be the match that brings WCW back from the brink? I mean, on one level I can understand it - since it isn't wrestling, it should work, because, heck, it works for the WWF, right? But on another level - what the HELL are they thinking? Nash reminds us that he IS in fact in the house. Nash tries to convince us he's an Outsider despite being the ultimate insider. ALL *everybody* wants is for Big Sexy to lose the strap. The only ally he's got - Scott Hall - is sitting at home in Orlando, no doubt making more money in a month doing nothin' than Disorderly Conduct makes in a year. Together. Nash suggests an additional stipulation for tonight's match. If HE wins, he gets Torrie for 72 hours. Then he does a Dr. Evil pinky thing because he's COOL. Nash says it won't need to be 30 days, 'cause 72 hours is enough to ruin her. Say, didn't Nash deliver Torrie to David way back when? I remember that one week he and Hollywood met up with her at the gun range...hey, whatever happened with that whole Mrs. Robinson thing anyway? Didn't Savage and Torrie used to watch hidden camera footage of David a few months ago, come to think of it? Man, my head hurts. The WCW Superstar Series presents Kevin Nash: The Outsider, and NWO 4 Life! Notice they've FINALLY replaced the obsolete WCW/NWO logo on them boxes. DJ Ran is still on a hunt for the rowdiest section in the building despite not moving from his position. Ran implies he's rubbing elbows with Will Smith and Kid Rock - BELIEVE it. STEVIE RAY & VINCENZO & HORACE (hogan) & BRIAN ADAMS (it's only love - and that's all) v. CURT HENNIG & BARRY & KENDALL WINDHAM & BOBBY DUNCUM, JNR - I can't help but look at the "RAP IS CRAP" signage and think that WCW *seriously* has to turn Master P. heel first chance they get. Tony *swears* that "Rap is Crap" is being played at C&W stations all across the country - THEN says "it's a catchy tune - it has it's good points." Damn, maybe they ARE turning Hennig face! I *still* think that's too smart for them to do. All right, I'll do play-by-play but I won't enjoy it. Adams and Barry start - nah, I won't do it. You don't want to read it, and I don't want to write it. Barry's still wearing his kitchen gloves, I will note. Stevie Ray and Hennig have a nice sequence but I can't really be bothered with any of the other six guys. Although, having said THAT, I will also mention that Vincent has a nice tomahawk chop from the top rope. Commentators talk about the lumberjack match. Hey, look, all eight guys in the ring. Now everybody out but three. Finish sees Kendall & Duncum double bulldog Vincent so Windham can score the pinfall (7:55). Still to come - that music video! NEXT: This is the last chance we get to give you that Dance Contest Graphic! Man, that's one unflattering Disco Inferno portrait. Oh, and the Cat's robe has an obsolete WCW logo on it. But other than that, it's PERFECT. REALLY. Tony shills the WCW hotline one more time. See how the WCW logo kinda just fades into the background and is unnoticable? That's GOOD TELEVISION! What the heck are Lex Luger and Miss Elizabeth doing showing up to appearances together anyway? THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION CAT (with Sonny Onoo and the ruby slippers) v. DISCO INFERNO in a dance contest - Tony mentions that the Nitro Girls are situated behind them - no doubt to learn some dance moves from THESE two hoofers. If you ask me, this match is only missing one thing - and that one thing is named Alex Wright. Referee "Blind" Nick Patrick has drawn the plum assignment as he lets us know Cat is first. Cat tells the audience they better vote for him lest he bring his gi and whoop everybody up in this mutha. He also mentions Jerry Flynn just to see if I'm paying attention. Cat does his JB impersonation which is really quite good. Heenan asks for an impression from the Nitro Girls, but since they're not mic'd we don't hear what they're saying. Disco Inferno brings the crowd to their feet with a single point. We FINALLY get a shot of the Nitro Girls - just in time to COMPLETELY miss Cat waffling Disco from behind. Now THAT'S the impeccable timing you can ONLY experience with WCW MONDAY NITRO! Truth be told, Cat's a better dancer. Somewhere along the line, this apparently turns into a match. Back and forth affair sees the Cat perform his Rock-esque James Brown karate chop. After throwing Inferno out, Onoo gets HIS licks in. Choke on the second rope. Cat takes a break from the match to perform some tai chi. Stomping on the torso a couple times - now standing him up and taking him down with a kick. 2 count. Whip into the opposite corner - charge misses. Disco finally coming back again - off the ropes, back elbow - gutshot - Stunner attempt misses as Cat pushes him off - Disco ducks a kick, hits ANOTHER gutshot and there's the Last Dance. Disco with a mocking dance and a cover - giving Onoo enough time to come in and make the save - except Disco moves in time for Onoo to put the loafer to his OWN man. Disco turns to Sonny, who begs off - Disco grabs him by the jacket and hits a right cross. Meanwhile, Cat is back up and has Disco in an inside cradle. 1, 2, no. Chop misses, Disco takes him to the corner - stomping away - Patrick pushes him off, and while THEY argue, Onoo slips the red shoe to Cat. There's the big loaded kick - 1, 2, Onoo steps over Cat and breaks the count - huh? Ahh, I see - JERRY FLYNN is out and chasing Onoo and that's why he was in and out. Flynn stops with the Cat and delivers a spinning kick to the Cat. Somehow, Patrick sees this and puts an end to our misery. (DQ 6:03) Flynn gets the mic. Flynn SPEAKS? "Hey Onoo, when he wakes up - he says he's the greatest, we're all tired of hearing him YAPPIN'. So next week in the Georgia Dome, he's some kinda kickboxer? We're both putting pads on - and we're gonna see who the REAL martial artists is - wake him up and have him sign the contract!" Hoo boy, they're LOADING UP that great big Nitro NOW, baby! And then Flynn walks off, saying something to the camera that gets muted, then realising what he just said and grimacing. Now is Flynn in the First Family or not? Anyway, you know I'M rootin' for Flynn! Bigelow T-shirt ad #2 Bash at the Beach promo #2 - at least this Special Video Look is better than that guy posing like he's on the cross in front of the logo. Let Us Take You Back to Earlier in the Show as Flair and Wirtz MacArthur remind us that David Flair will be bigger than Michael Jordan. "I wanna be like Dave! I wanna be like Dave! I wanna be like Dave!" Flair asks the statue to chant along - and it doesn't. THAT WAS THE WHOLE SEGMENT! Two ads and an "earlier tonight!" Wooooooo! THIS IS WCW! IS this gonna be an hour-closing pattern from now on? (Well, we know they won't do it in the THIRD hour....ummm, will they?) Bash at the Beach is 13 days away! It's NEVER to early to call your cable company and ... oh forget it. WCW MasterCard spot had so many obsolete artifacts that I can't be bothered to once again enumerate them for your benefit DJ Ran gets all up in my area for a third time. I'd like to publicly offer myself to any WCW personnel who may be reading this - for a FRACTION of what you're paying Master P, I'll GUARANTEE you the same ratings spike that he brought. That is, none at all with an option to actually LOWER the ratings. Hell, if I get lucky and the ratings actually go UP, by even a tenth, then you can justify it as money well spent and get promoted! It's WIN/WIN, BABY! Hell, for REAL fun just pair me with Madden. Not only will the audience revel in the exchange of insults, but sitting next to him, I'll look REALLY thin! BUFF IS THE STUFF & DEAN MALENKO v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE & (khris) KANYON (with Trippa B) for the tag team Championship - as Bagwell and Malenko make their entrance, THE MAN appropriates Tony's headset (you go, Flair!) and says that there's a change in plans - CHARLES ROBINSON can't ref tonight so ARN ANDERSON will don the stripes (and, by Golly, he sure has). Watching these two guys walk to the ring, doesn't it just look like Malenko wishes he'd been paired with ANYBODY but Bagwell? Maybe he's wondering how Benoit got Saturn and the tag team title shot while he's stuck with this poser. Anderson, on third headset, says he's going to pay back Nash for that infamous parody from Labor Day '96, where Nash played the part of the Enforcer. Page's music leads the Triad to the ring as Bigelow and Kanyon carry title belts. The graphic says Page & Kanyon are defending tonight, but who knows for sure. Isn't it weird seeing all this tag team wrestling on a WCW show? Page and Malenko start. Lockup, arm wringer from Page, shoulder thrusts, Malenko goes behind, there's a rollup for 2. Off the ropes, hiptoss attempt from Page countered into a backslide for 2. Drop toehold, La Magistral cradle for 2. Page tries a shot on Bagwell but gets one from him instead, inside cradle from Malenko for a third near fall. Page backs into his own corner and stalls. Page tags Kanyon and Malenko tags Bagwell. Bagwell poses. 'cause he's buff - and he's the stuff. I guess the Not-Horsemen walked off when we weren't paying attention. Lockup, finally, to the ropes, Bagwell holding the hair because he cheats. Off the ropes, shoulderblock from Kanyon and now he's doing his impersonation of Buff, which is pretty funny. Bagwell with a right, an elbow, off the ropes, baaaaack bodydrop, dropkick, off the ropes with the swinging neckbreaker, crotch chop for page, pose, double underhook on Kanyon as Malenko's tagged in - off the ropes - Sunset flip, but Kanyon tags Page, then holds Malenko's neck so Page can come off the top with the double sledge. Now Bigelow's in because these three can do that, you see. Thing is, Bigelow really doesn't DO anything before Kanyon is again back taking his place. So what's the point? Just to piss us off, apparently. Referee "Blind" Billy Silverman has no problems with any of this, of course. Malenko is the face in peril for what seems like forever. In fact, as this triple-team continues, let's take an ad break! When we come back, I *promise* to pay attention and give you decent play-by-play. Lariat from Kanyon on Malenko, apparently killing a rally. Tag to Page - top-rope clothesline on Malenko and Bagwell saves at 2. Page with Malenko off the ropes - Malenko pulls out a flying headscissor to counter - tag to Kanyon - tag to Bagwell! HE'S A HOUSE ON FIRE! BUFF IS THE STUFF! Now all five men tying up - Bagwell whips Kanyon into Page whipped by Malenko! Malenko takes Page over the top rope and Bagwell is up for the Blockbuster - but Bigelow crotches him on the top turnbuckle. Kanyon covers - ONLY 2! Kanyon stomping with impugnity. Elbowdrop, double axehandle - Bigelow on the apron, and gets the tag. Timber headbutt. Choke on the second rope. Kanyon with a shot from the outside. Bigelow standing on the neck. Bigelow already wrestled tonight, yup. Headbutt to the - ouch. 1, 2, kickout. Bigelow staying on him - tag to Kanyon - takeover into a cover for 2. Page on the apron now. Suplex. Kanyon outside and over the top rope with an elbow drop. 1, 2, foot on the rope. Tag to Page. Off the ropes, gutshot from Page, Russian legsweep from Kanyon, flourished elbowdrop from Page - but only 2. Front facelock from Page - time for the now patented "good guy picks up Page and makes two steps toward his corner" spot that seems to be in every Page tag team match - anyway, Silverman gets distracted and the doubleteam is back on. They crotch him on the top turnbuckle - Tag to Kanyon - superplex from Page - Kanyon with a top rope splash - which MISSES. Bagwell trying to make the tag - but Kanyon's got his ankles and Page drops the elbow. Now KANYON puts on a front chancery. Bagwell kicking the mat to start some synchronised clapping. Now BAGWELL doing the "pick him up and make a few steps" but Kanyon drops to the mat because this is PAGE'S spot, not his. Ha! Bagwell with a backdrop but Kanyon hooks him to try to get him over - Bagwell drops a fist to break it and manages to make the tag to Malenko as he falls to the mat. MALENKO'S ON FIRE! Well, sorta. Page through the ropes - Kanyon run into Bigelow on the apron - rollup off the ropes - 1, 2...Page in and a massive clothesline on Malenko - both Malenko and Page landing on Silverman. Geez, they're just TRYING to break Kanyon's legs. Anyway, Bagwell's on the second turnbuckle - Kanyon walks into the Buff blockbuster - and Bagwell's boot lands RIGHT on Silverman's head! Geez, he might be out cold at this rate - for real. Page clotheslines Bagwell and they're both over the top rope to the outside. Malenko putting the Tejas Cloverleaf on Kanyon - but Bigelow is in with a clubbing forearm to the back of the head. Page back in - assisted Diamond Cutter on Malenko and Silverman ALMOST gets one more accidental boot in the head in the process. Anyway, he "comes to" and counts - 1, 2, 3. (16:29) Hey, at least we got a finish this week! Here's some replays. Tony & Bobby talk a bit about tonight's stacked deck match and poor, poor Kevin Nash. I haven't said anything about Heenan's Hawaiian shirt, and I'm not gonna. And NOW it's time for the exciting debut! Here's that video! Curt Hennig sings - Duncum plays geetar, Barry drums, and Kendall - must be bass. I would estimate the attendance for this "event" at around 65. As videos go, I would rate it SLIGHTLY higher than anything by Konnan. It's definitely helped by its brevity - under two minutes. This portion of WCW Monday Nitro Live is brought to you by 10-10-220 - for the times when you can't be extra cheap and collect call! DJ Ran is getting entirely too much time up in my area. He asks if anybody wants to take a Nitro Girl home - is he their pimp now? SCOTT PUTSKI v. SID VISCOUS (with Randy Savage & Medusa 6) - Putski is no longer a Polish Pirate - good for him. When he walked out, I SWEAR I thought the Renegade had come back to life. Vicious comes out to no music and does some ranting into the camera as he walks out. Something about the boos being sweet, sweet music. Madusa's outfit makes me stand up and salute! I can't decide whether an eventual Nash/Sid match will be more like the one they had at In Your House, or In Your House 2. Keeping in mind that the main event of IYH 2 had the excitement of Tekno Team 2000 as lumberjacks. Savage appropriates Heenan's headset to make noise. Gorgeous George must have stolen those boots from Perro Aguayo - ha! It's been two minutes and nobody's done any wrestling yet. Anyway, one lady takes an apron on three sides of the ring - Putski finally turns his back to check out Madusa (what, is he not sleeping with Missy Hyatt anymore?) and Sid hits a double axehandle. This match can generously be described as "deliberate." Crowd chants "Cold Beer" just to make the WCW brain trust unhappy. Savage does some more shouting in the direction of the commentators. It's all Sid, yup. Crowd continues chanting - where IS that Goldberg guy anyway? Here's a chokeslam. Eddie Guerrero can deal with Lodi AND Lane in under 90 seconds but Vicious can't hit his powerbomb and collect the pin (4:43) until I've gone through what seems like two hours of agony. Savage takes the mic and once again reminds us that Sid is the best big man in this sport today. Savage says one more time that it doesn't matter who Nash loses the title to as long as he loses it. Sid asks us all to take note of the carnage. Then Savage drops a top-rope elbow on Putski. Savage says they're da bomb. What a way to start the final half hour! Bash at the Beach promo #3 Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! Does Storm have a new haircut or what? Anyway, there's Kimberly, there's Chae, there's Fyre. Where's Spice? Where's Spice? Where's Spice? Where's Spice? Where's Spice? Where's Spice? Where's Spice? Where's Spice? Where's Spice? Where's Spice? Where's Spice? Hey, look, it's the World Heavyweight Champion and the Centre of Our Universe - and - and - he's WALKING! THIS *IS* RAW! Here's a shot of David Flair (complete with new Naitch-alike robe) along with Ric and Charles and - somebody who hides. Hey, there's Sting! Oops, we probably weren't supposed to see him. Here's a brand NEW Bash at the Beach promo - but still featuring Sting, Nash, Vicious and Savage "Thus Spake Zarathustra" fills the arena as DAVID SAMMARTINO - ERR, FLAIR walks to the ring arm in arm with TORRIE WILSON - trailing behind are CHARLES ROBINSON and ARN ANDERSON (in the zebra suit). BRUCE MacARTHUR is out - there's THE MAN. Now for the lumberjacks - VEEP PIPER, SID VISCOUS, RANDY SAVAGE, MEDUSA 6 - and behind them, DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE, TRIPPA B and (khris) KANYON. As the Triad walks to the ring, Arn takes a headset and reminds all of us that people always get what's coming to them. Savage welcomes us to his party - tonight Nash loses his belt. Sid also gets a crack at guest commentary. And now "Theme from Wolfpack" plays over the PA and BIG POOCHIE walks alone to the ring...but I bet he won't be alone for long... BIG POOCHIE v. DAVID SAMMARTINO - ERR, FLAIR (with a cast of thousands) for the World Heavyweight Championship in a lumberjack match - I guess that TV title bout isn't scheduled for tonight? Sorry to ask. Anderson rings the bell and David immediately leaves the ring. Now Kanyon and Savage strike, taking Nash down. Sid, Bigelow, Page - everybody in - and Nash staving them off. Piper in - Savage has a chain wrapping his fist and Nash is finally down. let's see - six guys in there on Nash. Savage spitting on him now. Referee "Blind" Arn Anderson apparently has something in his eye. Flair in now - motioning to his son - figure four applied. Anderson counts - 1 - 2 - shoulders up! Geez, you don't REALLY think they'd give the title to David Flair, do you? Nash pushes back the leg and hails rights on Flair. Flair in the corner - knee to the midsection, repeat, repeat - fans pelting the ring with drinks. Nash elbow to the head. Now framing the elbow, giving some crotch chops for good measure. Into the opposite corner - sidewalk slam! Ric going ballistic on the outside. Off the ropes, big boot. David out. Arn tries a right - Nash catches the fist and puts him down with an elbow. Everybody in following the "black ninja" tecnhique, whereby everyone attacks one at a time so Nash can take them all out. During all this, Ric passes a taser to his son. David in - Nash grabs it and shocks David - then Page - then Arn - then Bigelow . Nash grabs George, puts her over his shoulder - and slowly backs off. Savage tries to save his woman but gets a taser shot for his troubles. Hey, Nash is feeling her up! Anyway, Torrie walks off with Nash (all smiles?) and I guess if you're gonna book yourself, this is the way to do it. Arn says something that gets muted. Backstage, we get another gratuitous ass shot of George (not that I'm complaining) - damn she's a screamer, too. Torrie and George are bundled into a limo - but before Nash can enter - we see a Humvee - and in the rear-view mirror it's someone wearing Sting-esque facepaint. Savage and Sid try to rush the limo as Nash snaps out of his trance and gets in. Sid's holding the title belt... (No contest? Under 4 minutes) Did we end early? Let's say 8 matches, around 56 minutes. |
BLAH |
|
||