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/5 July 1999

WCW Nitro




QUICK QUOTE: SportsLine USA (SPLN) 34 1/4 (+ 1/2) - an exciting 50 cent rebound for the mighty franchise

I GET LETTERS: ... beyond stupid ... they have no respect for your (or, apparently, their) readers' intelligence. - Jim Sullivan

Who's he talking about, anyway?

A friend and I (I DO have friends) were discussing how to keep DJ Ran from being all up in our area, and my friend Mike Czaplinski shot back with "2 Live Cruex - of course". Thought you might find that amusing. - Bill Kronick

You're a lucky man to know Mike, Bill. And vice versa! Tell each other that you love the other NOW - before it's too late and you'll only WISH you had!

Whoa - where did THAT come from?

Hi there, I'm the Artist formerly known as C. R. Z[ed]. and this is my little weekly barrage of Music for the Masters. I mean Massas - MASSES! Occasionally I'll even take a break from bashing This Fine Site Known As WrestleLine and talk about the wrestling shows on the telly! It's WILD!

DISCLAIMER: I have a headache - I will PRETEND it's stress-related from dealing with this site and all its nonsense, however it's most likely because this is the first night in about five that I haven't had some alcohol of some sort.

Have you heard? I "bring my unique perspective to WrestleLine with my Nitro and Raw reports." I think we can all agree that the winner is YOU, THE LOYAL READER! I don't know if you've ever checked out that "column archive" page, but I used to have a spot ABOVE both Ryder AND Scherer! Now they don't even HAVE listings on that page. God only knows what this means...either they don't want you to know they have a relationship with This Fine Site, or they managed to bolt even faster than I have! GO GO 1WReSTLING!

Speaking of other websites, I gotta talk about SCOOPS for a minute. I can still do that, right? The redesign is UGLY. The page takes FOREVER to load. I cannot stand the unnecessary JAVA. And ever since the redesign I can't find HYATTE. Either that or he's taking a vacation - but wait, he PROMISED not to TAKE another vacation if you all voted for him! He wouldn't - he wouldn't LIE to all of us, would he? That's it! From now on, I'm ONLY reading that other guy's RAW report! And THAT'S only because I *love* hearing him say "my people" and kiss the ass of WM's former Heat Reporter!

Good God, I'm running late. On with da show! The show called NITRO! Because it's TNT - IT'S DYN-O-MITE! Oi! Oi! Oi!




Are you kidding me? We start with a - AN AD FOR NITRO! This Special Video Look is rated TV-PG-DV (The "D" stands for "Don't confuse us with the trippa X porno rasslin' on the other channel") - this clip is also closed captioned via THAT special logo. "Don't Miss a Minute!" Translation: "Don't Miss the First Hour!"

WCW logo - I'm just a goy in the world

LAST WEEK: Despite the machinations of a cast of thousands, David Flair failed to wrest the title from 'round the supple waist of the one who is Big and Sexy - the Centre of our Universe went on to not only win the lovely maiden fair Torrie Wilson, then went on to kidnap Gorgeous George, we saw several shots of someone who isn't Sting, but was enough Sting to fool the idiot announcers. On THUNDER!, Savage took back George - oh no, it was only Torrie in disguise. Damn that Nash is not only Big and Sexy, but clever!

Opening Credits - dance dance dance

Hey, look, it's the NITRO GIRLS! Spice is FINALLY back and I swear, if she keeps getting haircuts, the woman will be bald by the time the millennium comes around. They ALMOST appear to be dancing this week, by the way. With those hot pants, they look like they could sub for the Bombshells on Happy Hour (ONLY ON USA!) and...what was my point?

WE ARE LIVE from the Georgia Dome in the city James Brown calls "Atlanta, G-A" 5.7.99 and GOOD LORD there's a bungload of empty seats - I'm thinking that's a bad camera angle to give me even if it *does* show off the FIREWORKS! This is Turner Network Television and you will not forget it! Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and BOBBY HEENAN who are quick to remind us that the main event for Sunday's Pay-per-view, Bash at the Beyotch is Nash & Sting vs. Sid & Savage and Tony is quick to remind us that Nash CAN'T TRUST STING - because Tony is COMPLETELY fooled and SWEARS that we keep seeing Sting. Sigh. Tonight! Bret Hart SPEAKS! Bobby can't wait to hear what "Jimmy - err, Bret Hart" has to say. Tony says HE can't wait to hear the performance from Megadeth as we take a look at what I hope is a piece of their video - otherwise we're staring at a cat, mouse and mousetrap for no apparent reason. ALSO TONIGHT - the RAP IS CRAP tour continues! Can you STAND all this excitement? "Let's go to the ring - the first match tonight on TNT!"

WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by 10-10-321 - I cannot help but note that this promo is in fact NOT a match

JUICE GUERRERA v. CHAVO GUERRERO, JNR - THIS appears to be a match at any rate. Guerrera tries VERY hard to not stumble on the "C" in the WCW logo on the ramp as he usually does, and ALMOST makes it clumsy-free. In case you're wondering, this is the first time in 1999 that Chavo's wrestled a Cruiserweight on this show. Juvi rides around on an air Pepe, but because that happened four months ago, the commentators don't remember and don't bring it up. Remember, the statute of limitations on WCW angles is THREE months. After that, you can't remember it! Back and forth match is highlighted by me waiting for Eddie to come out and reunite with his nephew, and commentary revolving around Bret Hart which makes me cynically think they're somehow trying to milk Owen's death for ratings. Oops, THAT'll get me letters. Juvi has now on THREE separate occasions made the "I'm gonna do the Juvi Driver" motion but it hasn't happened. Tony notes that Sting denied driving the "Hummer" mere weeks ago on this show and adds "I don't think there is any question that that was Sting's face that we saw in the reflection of the rear of the side view mirror of the Hummer just a week ago." Frickin' idiot. Tonight - Megadeth! They've had seven Grammy nominations in their fifteen years - truly a heavy-hitter on the rock scene! Har har.



Guerrera and Guerrero go through a nice (if awkward) sequence of about ten counter/reversals in the span of one minute. THERE is the Juvi Driver - usually that's enough for a pin but Juvi is motioning for the 450 - Chavo pops up and crotches him on the top turnbuckle. Now Chavo's got him by the hair and signalling for the tornado DDT - Juvi catches it and there's ANOTHER nice reversal/counter sequence ending in CHAVO hitting a Juvi Driver for 2. Before this match can REALLY get me interested, here's RANDY FRICKIN' SAVAGE & SID FRICKIN' VISCOUS come out to make sure we get no ending. Powerbomb from Sid - big elbow from Savage. Sid is wearing the Big Gold Belt. Let's call it (no decision 7:13) as no bell rings despite referee "Blind" Scott Dickenson calling for one. Sid speaks. "I know you can hear me Big Sexy! And I want the world to see what we just did! And the thing is, I want everybody to take a close look and remember, because what me and the Macho Man do are examples - and examples you can follow! See Big Sexy, my dad told me one time that suffering builds character and me and the Macho Man - we figure you gotta lotta damn suffering to go through - see what you've done - you've messed with this mind's man - this man's mind, excuse me [ha!] - see you don't want to be responsible for an individual's sanity, because when you do, things go wrong - right Macho Man? ... Shut up!" Savage takes the mic and says - nothing. Sid takes it back. "See what you've done? You've pissed him off so bad - see, Kevin Nash, it's like you're lyin' on a bed of coals, and there's no one left to (mute) on ya!" Anyway, Nash pops up on a viewscreen, with Torrie behind him in a slut outfit. Nash is just TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL. Damn, not only is he Big and Sexy, he's THE KING OF CLEVER-CLEVER LAND! And now Nash and Savage are vamping like they haven't bothered to work out a script beforehand. Savage says unintelligible stuff, and Nash stares blankly into the camera like "Whaa?" Nash says George is getting dressed right now, and he and Torrie laugh like it's the funniest thing on earth. George shows up and she's like "I'm SOOO blonde, huh?" and is she wearing a Nash T-shirt? Who knows, who cares. Say, didn't Savage have Torrie on Thursday? Say, he didn't give HER back, did he? That would have been tactically unwise of him. They're STILL talking. Okay, we're out.

Here's a Special Video Look at Sting, Sid, Savage and Nash - well, it's "Special" only if you didn't see it LAST week. Bash at the Beyotch is SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!

Hey! APW whets your appetite for wrestling a day earlier at the Silver Creek High School Gymnasium Saturday night! Six big matches, headlined by a four corners match for the APW title! All Pro Wrestling is TOO HOT TO HANDLE! Support your local indy - if you're in the Bay Area or Silicon Valley - APW is YOUR TICKET TO ACTION! (I should point out that I'm probably staying home and I'm a big hypocrite, but don't let that stop YOU!)

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Naya, Super Soaker, Motel 6 7/8, Viractin cold sore gel, and Hot Pockets from Hot Pockets. WRESTLING FANS GET COLD SORES?

DJ RAN is all up in your area and he wants to know where the rowdiest section in the Dome is. Also, he's wearing a Braves jersey - I hate to say it, but I'm starting to suspect he just wears the jersey of whatever local team corresponds to whatever city they're in - and he's not really a fan AT ALL! That's so - so - UNTRUTHFUL of him!

GENE O. works tonight! And at half past, it's a little early to have a Flair interview but nonetheless, here's THE MAN & DAVID SAMMARTINO - ERR, FLAIR walkin' down that aisle to kill up some time that could be better spent with - you know ... WRESTLING. Schiavone has the *audacity* to suggest that David Flair has *no* wrestling ability despite the fact that he was dubbed the Second Coming not too long ago by One Bob Ryder. Flair reminds us that it's been a bad year for the United States title as for the second time in his presidency, he strips the title holder Scott Steiner, as he has failed to defend.


Flair says he's awarding the title to his son as last week he defeated Nash by countout, making him the #1 Contender, therefore it's only logical he be awarded the US title. Just when it appears that a flicker of emotion will cross the face of David - no, never mind, only a false alarm. Anyway, out come CHARLES ROBINSON, ASYA, TEN OR ELEVEN OTHER WOMEN to fill the ring with humanity. Robinson brings the US title - how'd he get it? Oh who cares - and David is presented the title and the women. As hundreds of red, white and blue balloons drop from the ceiling, BUFF IS THE STUFF walks to the ring. Fortunately, the sound of popping balloons drowns out whatever is said for the next few. Buff says "Atlanta, Georgia" until the crowd cheers for him. Buff's wearing an EXTREMELY gay lookin' airbrush on the back of his shirt tonight. Buff says HE should have the US title, so perhaps the new champion would be so good as to give him the first title defense, oh and how about tonight? Also, he's buff and he's the stuff. "Atlanta - do you want to see me whip David Flair's butt or what?" Oooh, he said BUTT! Gene says we'll see it tonight! On "T ON T!"

Still to come: more excerpts from that video!

Closed captioning where available delivered 'cross the lines of WESTERN UNION!

WCW onsale Friday for El Paso, Tucson, Boise for Nitro, and go see WCW tomorrow in Columbus, Wednesday in Montgomery, and Thursday in Birmingham for THUNDER! What, they're not selling out anymore? Ha ha ha.

JIMMY BARRON pretends to phone in a WCW Road Report with 1-800-CALL-ATT. Believe it or not, tickets are STILL available for the big THUNDER! event at the BJCC Arena! And they'll probably be GIVING 'em away if you're in the right spot on Thursday!

Here's a Special Video Look at Kevin Nash - DAMN he is just the COOLEST mofo on this EARTH

WORLD TV TITLE MATCH - (el) VAMPIRO (canadianse) v. RICK WOOF WOOF - Rick takes the mic and makes noise. I don't like him, so I guess I better bite him. Lockup, knee from Steiner, clubbin' blows and knees, snapmare, elbowdrop, rights, rake o' the face, German suplex - Vamprio kicks a bit to fight back - 'rana attempt countered into a powerbomb from Steiner - top rope bulldog, limp-wristed armbar submission (1:19)


Damn, I SURE believe all that hype about Vampiro NOW. 10-10-321 sponsors the replay and Heenan tries calling him "Bela" again just in case it's funnier the second time - it isn't. You think they only bothered with this match just to piss off Vampiro enough to ensure record impressions for WCW Live! Tuesday?

Later tonight: I-I-I hate rap

Lane brandishes hot pants - I mean, new wrestling tights - Lodi is with him. "Oh my goodness - Oh my Gosh! This is the best present ever!" "I knew you'd love it Lenny, hey, it's your favourite colours!" "I know I don't need to try 'em on - you KNOW all my measurements!" "Lenny, I know every inch of you! (puts hand on knee) Look, I know you're still nervous about last week, when we talked about - WCW's not gonna mind when they find out." "Well, I know I can't lie to you - you know me like a book..." "I've read every page! Trust me, Lenny, they're open minded - they're not gonna care!" "If you tell me to trust you, then trust you I will..." (camera pans back to signs reading "CLOSET" on the doors they *came out of*)

Yeah, you think I'm gonna say something about THAT. Well, okay, try this on: Lane STILL can't act. Or else he's actually TRYING to act this badly.

Here's a Special Video Look at what Bret Hart has meant to all of us here at World Championship Wrestling. Mike Tenay narrates a clip complete with sensitive piano music and clips of Owen Hart - and reads of Bret's Calgary Sun column written after Owen's death. This whole thing makes me feel VERY uneasy but I can't put my finger on it. Oh well, let's take an ad break.

Well, it's five minutes to RAW, but I'll let THAT go. Here's BRET CLARKE flying solo in street wear - no Gene O. (thank God) and let's hear what he's here to say. Fair ovation for the Hitman. After looking skyward, "I've been told I got all the time I want, so I'll try not to rush myself. First of all, on behalf of my whole family and everybody back in Calgary, we wanna thank all the wrestling fans all around the world and accept their love, their support and their condolences. It's meant a lot to myself, it's meant a lot to my family, and it was very very much appreciated. The WCW has been really kind to me in the last few weeks, and they've allowed me to take all the time that I want to collect myself ... I wanted to say a few words about my brother Owen. He wasn't just your average wrestler, he was a wonderful human being - you know so many wrestling fans watch him on TV every day, but they never really got close to him sometimes, but then again, there's a lot of fans that did get to know him, and a lot of the wrestlers got to know him, and I don't think there's anybody that can say a bad thing about him anywhere ... he was my closest brother - we never had an argument, we never raised our voices with each other once, we were friends, we were close from the time he was in diapers - and I think a lot of - I take a lot of pride in uh, knowing how he turned out. Eric Bischoff talked to me


and he asked me if I'd come back on July fifth and at least explain how I felt about things, and I - thought maybe I'd be ready to talk about things when I got here, but the truth is, that I'm ... really having a hard time deciding what I want to do with - with my career, and ... probably my life ... I've lived for wrestling. My family has lived for wrestling. And we've died for wrestling. And I'm at a - funny little crossroads where I look at wrestling - pro wrestling and I go, I don't know what else there's left for me to do anymore in wrestling. Maybe it's time for me to move on and try to accomplish something else in another field, or do something else... [crowd reacts] I think of Wayne Gretzky, and I think of Elway, you know, and I think of, uh, all these guys that are retiring in 1999, and when I think of those people, they all - when they got to hang it up, they were all so happy, and I look at MYself, and it sucks. I tell myself on one hand that's it not fair to end my career on a tragedy - a bad note ... ... listen, nobody wants to prove more in wrestling than I do, I've given my whole life to it, but the truth is, I just don't know, I really don't know, I swear to God I don't know, I've always tried to give you my best, I'm happy, despite everything that happened with the way my career and my life have turned out - but I'm gonna take some time and I'm gonna think about everything and I'm gonna put everything in perspective. But if I never get the chance to ever say it again - I just wanna thank all the fans everywhere that I ever had, that I still have ... I wouldn't be anything without the wrestling fans, you've been with me from the very start, and if this is the last chance that I get to talk to all the wrestling fans all around the world, thank you very very much. I wanna thank all the wrestlers in the dressing room, all the wrestlers in dressing rooms all around the world, it was a pleasure to work with each and every one of ya - I hope I wasn't too stiff. ... And that's about it. Thank you very much."

Promotional consideration paid for by David sunflower seeds, Tinactin, Toaster Breaks Pizza from Hot Pockets, the tangy zip of Miracle Whip, and Judge Wapner's house of cash payoffs

Hart didn't say "hero" so you know he was shootin' - oh sorry

Backstage, Doug Dillenger is trying to talk to some cops and security, but Eddie Guerrero rushes him and lets loose with a stream of Spanish. Switching to English, he says that someone's lifted his wallet - it was a masked wrestler. You're telling me EDDIE GUERRERO can't identify a masked wrestler unless he's LOOKING at him? Anyway, Eddie tells Dillenger to round up all the masked wrestlers and he'll point him out. God, I HOPE this is just a fiendish plan from Guerrero as opposed to him getting REALLY stupid on me.

Tony shills the WCW hotline

DJ Ran gets all up in my area and hypes a live performance of "Rap is Crap" later.

THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION THE CAT (with Sonny Onoo) v. LIGHTNINGFOOT JERRY FLYNN (with James Hart) in a Kickboxing Match - oh boy, boxing gloves and stools! I can only DREAM of where this match will end up! I approve of referee "Blind" Nick Patrick's summer look (nice defrizzed haircut, no goatee) The two minute clock for this first round takes up approximately half the screen when it's there. Wow! This is almost as exciting as REAL kickboxing!


Of course, it's amplified by the commentators' inability to say anything relevant. Crowd boos to signify the end of round one. Flynn sits during the break while Cat stands. Cat tries an illegal kick to start the second round, Flynn sees that and raises it with a comical slip. Crowd boos with a bit less mercy now. Flynn goes down to one knee after a backhand and Patrick stops to check on him. Now Cat providing most of the offense. Cat with a jumping back kick to the gut and Flynn goes down. Cat with a punch to the gut and Flynn goes down to one knee - THIS time Cat ignores Patrick and lets loose with a punch right to the head (which should settle the question of whether this is a work or not) - Patrick calls for the bell (DQ 1:45, round 2 - match took 5:00 total) and raises Flynn's arm. Flynn goes on to spear Cat and let loose with the fists o' fire. Feel the excitement! Patrick finally gets them separated. What was the point of this segment?

Coming Up Graphic: Kevin Nash vs. Sid Vicious - WCW World Title Match! Boy that's a funny pic of Sid there.

A fan in the front row brandishes a WCW Bobbing Head of Goldberg - which is probably the only way we see Goldberg tonight

Tomorrow night (err, tonight?) on QVC it's two hours of WCW - Randy Savage will be there which should make it QUITE exciting. When? They didn't say. Good enough for me!

LODI (with Lenny Lane) v. VAN HAMMER - we now see that to match Lodi's tights, Lenny's say "See Lodi's Web Page" - Lane shakes his tush for our benefit. Here's the sign tour for the week - "LODI RULZ MONDAY NITES!" - "LENNY'S SHORTS ARE FAB!" - "BOBBY THE BRAIN IS COOL!!" - "ONE MORE NITRO WIN COMING UP!" - "ATLANTA LOVES LODI!" Coming up tonight, Megadeth! Crush 'em! Hey, wake me up when the WRESTLING starts, okay? By popular request, I pull out a failed catchphrase and reveal that THIS MATCH IS THE PRETZELS! Hammer looks like he sat in something wet. PLEASE HAMMER, DON'T HURT 'EM! Lane actually gets more offense in than Lodi, pulling the top rope as Hammer comes off them. Rolling him in for a 1 count from Lodi. Lodi shoves him to the outside and then ties up referee "Blind" Nick Patrick so Lane can get in some bitchslapping. Well now he's just hitting like a GIRL. Jiminy. FRANKENLODI!


Lodi can't believe it, and neither can I. Unfortunately, he's spending a little too much time gloating - Hammer shakes it off and hits Snake Eyes on Lodi. Back to the squash and the Megadeth hype. Lane on the turnbuckle - why? Well, here's a superplex for Lane. Lodi tries an axehandle while Hammer's back is turned, but Hammer turns around and calmly hits the Cobra clutch slam for the pin. (Formula 4:09)

Coming Up: more excerpts from that "Crush 'em" video! Boy that mouse has it rough.

Here's a Special Video Look at Sting - how DARE he wear a trenchcoat!

Here's that Meng/Goldberg Little Caesars comercial all the kids are talking about - listen to Tony Schiavone (or a soundalike) perform ACTUAL commentary! Hey, they're eating pizza! Get a free WCW Limited Edition motion card when you order two mediums for $9.99! Goldberg: "I'll trade you these three for a Goldberg." Meng: "Nope!" Meng speaks ENGLISH? I can't believe in ANYTHING anymore.

The WCW Superstar Series presents "Kevin Nash: The Outsider" and "NWO 4 Life" - break that piggy bank NOW!

Doug Dillenger and team rousts the luchadores

Who's that - BLACK ROB? I'm confused - what does Mister P think about letting Bad Boy recording artists appear on Nitro?

Gene O. welcomes VEEP PIPER, who takes even longer than normal to make it to the ring. I hope they didn't bump some wrestling for this! Here's the nadir of all this vamping to kill time: Heenan: "What time of the evening is it, Gene?" Gene: "The SHANK!" Piper, when he finally makes it to the ring, sucks up to the locals with some Atlanta banta. He eats thunder and he craps lightning, something something, shove it in your nose. "Speaking of crap, six reality check points go to Curt Hennig and Bobby Duncum, Jnr for saving the youth of America! Because crap is rap! And rap is crap!" Before this gets any ... better? Piper calls out (THIS IS) STING to answer the burning questions that linger on the minds of EVERY wrestling fan. Oh, for the love of - that's NOT Sting already. ANY minute now a commentator will come to his senses and say "Hey, you know...that guy doesn't look like...I mean, it could just be a mask and a wig and..." but there's nothing but SILENCE from the commentary team during this entire entrance. Gene DOES give some quizzical looks - Tony finally says "Sting's lost a few inches, and I don't mean around the belly." Piper: "Haaaaaaang on, I smell a rat here. There's been all kinds of questions about Sting, about you and your loyalty - are you or are you not part of the Madness Macho Man - are you his ally or are you NOT his ally?" Sting: [shakes head] and it goes downhill from here. Sting's never been in the Humvee. (Give Piper props for not saying "Hummer") Sting denies a coalition. Piper says again he smells a rat - "If you're the real Sting, you take your mask off and you show everybody in the building." "Sting" shakes his head. Piper again asks him to remove his mask and again is met with a shake of the head. Piper delivers a reality check - a gutshot and a swinging neckbreaker. The mask is pulled to reveal ... SOME GUY.


Tony: "Obviously it wasn't Sting ... and that ... makes me wonder if it's been Sting all along!" Oh for ... times two. Piper says they want the real Sting, no bologna in the ring - is he turning face again? - I guess not, Piper starts trashing Buff Bagwell for no apparent reason. Bagwell and Piper booked for a taped fist match - ten three minute rounds (oh man, let's eat up another 40 minutes of PPV time with a match I don't want to see) - before THIS gets any further, J.J. DILLON appears on the ramp with JUDGE MILLS LANE (hey! Another celebrity crossover from RAW!) - Dillon says that Lane would make a great guest referee for this taped fist match. Lane says "get it on" about a MILLION times. Piper says "You think you had problems with Tyson? EAR we go again!" Tony: "Bash at the Beach gets hotter and more intense as the seconds tick by!"

This IS a bad dream, right? I'm gonna wake up and they'll NOT be TRYING so hard to frick this company up?

Little Caesars ad #2

APW - SATURDAY! SILVER CREEK HIGH SCHOOL! Here's the ad! Support your local indy!

Tony shills the WCW hotline

Hey, look! It's the Nitro Girls! And you can see their ASSES! That's not very family friendly!

DJ Ran gets all up in my area AGAIN. Every time he asks them to say "hell yeah" I can't help but think of Stone Cold Steve Austin. I KNOW that's what they want me to think.

FIT FINLAY & A REAL MAN'S MAN, STEVE REGAL (with Dave Taylor) v. KONNAN & MINI KONNAN (with the Massive Swill, B.A. and Chase) - coming up later: an EXCITING double main event of Flair vs. Bagwell and Nash vs. Vicious and oh boy! Megadeth will NOT wrestle! Now is that REALLY Swell, or some big black guy shrouded in bandanas? To my knowledge, NOBODY is talking about being "4 life" anymore, but Konnan loves to say it so he's gonna pretend. Mysterio says "Hootie hoo!" and no one says it back. Finlay & Regal waste no time trying to attack Mysterio, and ultimately fail. This is so depressing that there's absolutely no chance the European guys are gonna win despite all these TOTALLY cool moves they're putting on Mysterio, including some WILDLY wicked looking stretchy submission type pretzel holds. But here's the hot tag to Konnan, who is the house on fire. Of COURSE Konnan is enough man to take out BOTH Finlay & Regal. There's the lame bronco buster. There's Konnan shaking his pants because his balls are so big. Hey, there's CURT HENNIG & BARRY & KENDALL WINDHAM & BOBBY DUNCUM JNR come out to kill this match (DQ 2:28) and lay out the No Limit Soljas. ANOTHER great hype job for an EXCITING match at BASH AT THE BEYOTCH!

Little Caesars ad #3, intro'd by Tony, even


2.9 spot

DAVID SAMMARTINO - ERR, FLAIR (with The Man, Asya & Arn Anderson) v. BUFF IS THE STUFF for the United States Heavyweight Title - Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson is already in position inside the ring. That this match leads off the third hour is both amusing and alarming. In case you haven't figured it out yet, dear readers, I AM BIASED. Against WCW? No, against STUPIDITY. Admittedly, one can find a lot of synergy between the two at the moment....but I digress. Buff kick to the gut, pounding away, words for Robinson, scoop and a slam, words for Ric Flair on the outside, right hand knocks him down, slap to the back of the head, David Flair gets up, Buff knocks him down, vertical suplex coming up, and there you go. Somebody thinks this will keep viewers! Flair's trick knee acts up. Whip into the opposite corner - Flair runs into a back elbow on the charge - Buff on the second turnbuckle - Buff blockbuster! It should be over soon, praise the Lawd above! 1, 2, Robinson's shoulder acts up! Sigh. Buff grabs a leg and prepares to put on the figure four - Flair and Anderson rush him VERY VERY SLOWLY so Buff can dispatch each man with a single right hand. Arrrgh. Figure four applied - Ric approaches and is put in a small package. Arrrrgh. Arn kicks Buff in the head until he lets go. Ric and Arn stomp away for a bit - now DEAN MALENKO is out to even the score - Asya in the ring and on Buff in the meantime - Buff isn't affected by that GIRL hittin' him, though - scoop and a slam onto David's nads - yowch! Now VEEP PIPER is in and apparently had the old international object on the right hand - Buff goes down like a ton of bricks. David slowly crawls over to Buff while Robinson clears Malenko from the ring - 1, 2, 3. (3:17) David Flair - put it in the record books - he's still your United States champion.

COMING UP: Kevin Nash vs. Sid Vicious - WCW World Title Match - the graphics, do they lie?

"Old" Bash at the Beyotch spot features man acting as crucifixee before mighty logo

Hey, look! It's the Nitro Girls!

Dillenger is STILL pushing the luchadores around - finally they are in place for a lineup. Now Eddie says he can't tell unless they unmask, because they weren't in a mask when they were lifting his wallet. Oooh-kay. Like Eddie's never seen these guys unmasked before - aaaaah.


Okay, La Parka removes his mask (back to the camera so at least we don't see 'em) - Eddie is frightened - but it isn't him. Ciclope next - "Ohh my God! Were you in a fire or something? Put it back on!" Not him. Psychosis. "Hey, you're a pretty good lookin' guy, what are you wearing a mask for?" Not him. Villano V, nope. Cheetah Kid (who?) - Eddie recognises him and gives him a big hug, but it's not him. Blitzkrieg finally - Eddie laughs and it isn't him. So we don't find who stole Eddie's wallet and all the masked luchadores (who showed up this week, anyway) are all pissed off. It's wrong of me to ask what the hell the point of this was, so I shall refrain.

Hak and the porn star "take over the transmission" (ha) and Hak rants and raves about fighting, being extreme, and hurting people. This Sunday at the great big PPV, Hak will be in a junkyard, and he wants a match. He'll take on any comer that ... comes. Can you believe it? ANOTHER fine addition to another quality effort you can ONLY see on W - C - W! Hey, if Hak "took over" the signal, how come he got BLEEPED? Eh frick it.

Special Video Look at Nash, Sid, Sting, and Savage #2 - how can you NOT want to order the EXCITEMENT and DRAMA that IS Bash at the Beyotch?

CURT HENNIG & THE WEST TEJAS REDNECKS perform "Rap Is Crap" - AND THE REAL WINNERS ARE THE FANS! Hennig reminds us that "Megacrap" will be performing later in the show.

Here's a Special Video Look at Team Madness - What up Motch? Ohhh Yeah!

THUNDER! ad features - nobody in particular

Bam Bam Bigelow hardcore T-shirt ad is hardcore - I guess



DA TRIAD v. VANILLA MIDGETS & PERRY SATURN - Heenan announces that Curt Hennig & the West Texas Rednecks have left the building. I give this WCW's last chance to have some decent wrestling tonight. Nice of the brain trust to remember that Benoit and Malenko are friends - Kanyon and Benoit start - Benoit quickly whips out the triple German suplex so we can immediately go to an ad break. JESUS! Let's just call the whole report off already.

Little Caesars ad #4 - #4, right? I've lost count

When we come back, Saturn is being choked on the second rope by Bigelow, then by Page when referee "Blind" Billy Silverman's back is turned. To the corner, big slap from Bigelow, European forearm, headbutt. Saturn slumped in the corner, illegal choke, right hand, headbutt, whip into the opposite corner, avalanche splash. Tag to Page - double whip into the corner - Page splash misses but Kanyon runs the apron - but clotheslines PAGE. Saturn crawls to his corner and makes the tag to Benoit. With Bigelow off the ropes, clothesline, chops aplenty and Bigelow DOES go down at the hands of a dropkick. Enziguiri from Benoit - thumb 'cross the throat gesture. Page crotches him before he can execute the headbutt. Bigelow tags Page who stomps away. Page with a shot on Malenko to bring him into the ring. Page grabs Benoit - off the ropes - sidewalk slam for 2. Tag to Kanyon. Kneedrop to the small of the back. Saturn manages a dropkick to the head while he covers behind the ref's back. Suplex - outside, slingshot into an elbowdrop for 2. Bigelow in now - front facelock from Kanyon, open shot for Bigelow. To the rear chinlock. Now off the ropes, into a bearhug. Benoit trying to fight it off - the crowd goes mild! NOW the crowd is working up a rhythmic clap. Benoit tries to climb over the shoulder, slides down - Sunset flip? No, but the buttdrop finds only the mat as Benoit slides away. Both men down, tag to Kanyon, tag to Saturn. Hey, weren't these guys former friends? Hey, now he's a house on fire. T-bone suplex, superkicks for everybody. Suplex and bridge, save made, all six men in - Katy bar the door. I believe this now qualifies as a huge shmozz. Kanyon and Malenko left in the ring - dueling tombstone attempts - Malenko hits - 1, 2, Bigelow off the top with the headbutt but NOBODY'S there. Saturn off the rop with a top rope splash. Benoit with a top rope headbutt. 1, 2, 3. (9:23) Guess the tag team titles won't be changing hands now - gotta give that win back Sunday!

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by BUTTERFINGER!

Bam Bam Bigelow T-shirt ad #2



Capitol Recording Artist MEGADETH perform "Crush 'em"- by my estimation, about 25% of them have no working electrics (mic OR instrument). Didn't Megadeth used to be all badass and stuff? Isn't it sad that people like, say, Stabbing Westward have passed these guys by? Every time that one guy shouts out "CRUSH!" I keep waiting for Brian Adams to walk by. I was also hoping their bodyguard would deal with a fan, then later ask out the daughter of the promoter, but alas, you can only go so far with the flattering imitations of successful companies. I *believe* I heard more boos than cheers out of the assembled masses in Hot-lanta. Suddenly - "I'M BAAAAAACK!" - hey look, it's COLD BEER! He's back! He's not just a Little Caesars ad! I would be standing in disbelief if I weren't sitting down!

One more Coming Up: graphic for the title match

Little Caesars ad #5, now that I bring it up - damn

Special Video Look at the four participants in Sunday's main event #3 - yikes

MICHAEL BUFFER is out to celebrate the rematch of the two best big men in professional wrestling today for the Heavyweight Championship of the World. What, they scratched Nash and Vicious and are gonna put the two best big men in professional wrestling out there tonight? Let'sgetreadyto..................something or other

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH - BIG POOCHIE (with what appears to be a book of some sort) v. SID VISCOUS (with the belt & no music & Randy Savage & Madusa & Miss Madness '99) - we turn the three hour mark just as Nash's entrance winds up -


well at least they're not ending EARLY this week. "Hold on a second! If you ever want to see George again, get these two broads and take a hike! It's between you and me, big man! Take a hike!" Savage, who is the most dangerous man in this sport, by the way, eventually complies - hey, can Madusa show off any more of that rack for me, pretty please? Crowd registers their approval at this turn of events by chanting "Cold Beer." Staredown - lockup - to the corner - unclean break but Nash ducks the punch and lays into Sid with exciting knees, dazzling elbows, and a crisp framed elbow. Flawless Irish whip into the opposite corner, follow lariat, repeat - with authority! Against the ropes, Nash lets loose with a mighty clothesline that takes the big man outside the ring. While Sid catches his wind on the outside, Savage has returned to Pearl Harbor Nash - but Big Sexy can not - WILL not - be denied. A towering right hand takes down Savage. A right hand and a sidewalk slam bests Sid. Savage in the corner - a powerful knee to the gut - now taking the Macho Man into the opposite corner with a thunderous Irish whip and a chilling clothesline that collapses Savage. Again another devastating Irish whip into the opposite corner, but this time Savage, ever the crafty veteran, grabs a hold of referee "Blind" Johnny Boone, placing him in the path of the oncoming freight train. Boone falls like a tree in the woods - making quite a sound. Nash takes Savage down with another sidewalk slam but Vicious has recovered - the big boot finds the mark. A mighty roar rises up from the crowd - it's (THIS IS) STING - or is it? Stomping away on Nash. Tony: "It certainly looks like Sting!" Bobby: "Boy, I can't tell any more!" Vicious tears into Nash with a relentless verbal barrage, while Savage prefers the title belt as a weapon of choice. Now ANOTHER (THIS IS) STING - the REAL Sting, we have decided - is in, and cleaning house. Out goes Vicious, out goes Savage, out goes the bogus Sting. A closeup reveals that this IS Sting. He lifts Nash - oh, but Nash doesn't KNOW! Knee into the gut - JACKKNIFE POWERBOMB! Sting (the REAL Sting) is left laying in the centre of the ring. Nash walks away unaware of his mistake. He has the mic. "Hey Macho, you want your old lady? She's in my dressing room - what's LEFT of her!" Savage and Vicious, with a renewed sense of purpose, walk offstage.

That was fun. Maybe you CAN make chicken salad out of chicken shit...speaking of course about my commentary and not this match, which blew.

We're now six minutes over as we get a shot of Sting staggering back down the aisle. Are we going to see Sid and Savage or not?

Backstage, Savage runs, runs, runs to the dressing room. He finds George and Torrie (Torrie can't stop laughing for some reason) - George *swears* Nash didn't touch her, Torrie gets a slap, George gets a shove - oh boy, Savage is beating women. Savage rips the Nash shirt off George - or tries to - there's a kick in her general direction, lots of screaming.

Stick around - Bob Ryder will soon be hailing all this excitement as "another milestone on the great comeback trail for WCW! Much as they once dominated their competition for 88 weeks in a row, the old magic is BACK and ON TNT MONDAY NIGHTS! ONLY ..... ON NITRO!"

"And here are ten MORE reasons Chris Jericho would be better off re-signing with WCW..."

(No contest - let's say four minutes)

8 matches, 36:49 or so, being ULTRA generous. The saga continues. How much does Vince McMahon pay strategically placed moles in WCW to run this promotion into the ground? Seriously. They can't ACCIDENTALLY be doing this stuff anymore. It's THAT bad.

As if I didn't have enough reasons to quit...

Hey Bret, stay retired.

[slash] wrestling



Copyright (C) 1999 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications