/16 August 1999
WCW is coming to the Cow Palace Friday! Hogan & Sting team to take on Sid
& Savage, despite the fact that we haven't seen them together in weeks!
Ric Flair takes on Goldberg...or does he? Buff Bagwell takes on Rick
Steiner - "for the last time!" There was a four-way hardcore match, but
I missed Worldwide and don't know if that's changed. Sadly, no Kevin Nash
- he was forced into retirement (snicker). Why am I telling you all this?
Well, I forgot to remind Rick to get WOW Magazine to sneak me in...it's
probably too late now but it never hurts to put a big ol' hint at the top
of the page!
I GET LETTERS: I find it kind of ironic that you rip on wrestlers like Austin and the Rock for being "repetitive" when every week in your recap you say the exact same crap over and over!! Joe Blow is walking, This is Sting, Big Poochie, etc............ Oh well, I guess it's just the pot calling the kettle black. - TONYDX1068
It seems to me that there is only one logical conclusion for WCW to come to regarding who drove the Hummer. It has to be Kevin Nash. Anything else might make sense. - David McKie
Hey, Dennis Rodman *did not suck* on Saturday, and I'm as shocked as you are. That match actually could have been the highlight of the (pretty much boring and lacklustre) card except they decided to WWF it up with a trip to the portacrapper, complete with "waste." Ewwww. That much was doing just fine on its own! Come ON!
Well, at least with Sting laying down for Sid, we all know what a terrible president he made...ha!
And if I've pissed you off ALREADY, you should STOP READING NOW! Because it only gets worse once the show actually STARTS...
QUICK QUOTE: SPLN 19 3/16 (+1 11/16) - Put that gun down, the Franchise is coming back...slowly...
LAST WEEK: "WCW NOT BIG ENOUGH FOR HOGAN & NASH" - TV-PG-DLV -
HULKS UP!" - Closed captioned symbol - wow, that's it?
WCW logo - now in "Everything" flavour
Opening credits - kaboom!
"You have waited all week for this moment - ladies and gentlemen, wait no more!" And with those words, let the Tony bashing begin! Hey, look, it's the NITRO GIRLS!
WE ARE LIVE from the World Arena in Colorado Springs, CO 16.8.99 and have you ever seen so many FIREWORKS!? Hulkamania is a raging disease that cannot be stopped - since he won on Saturday...
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and BOBBY HEENAN. Not only did Hogan defeat Kevin Nash, but Harlem Heat took the tag team titles, Benoit kept his US title, and Sid defeated Sting (sigh) to bring his "streak" to "55-0" Tonight, Sid and Hogan for the world title, in a rematch we had to wait FOUR weeks for! Needless to say, it's Tony who says "Fans, this is truly one of the biggest main events we've had in many many months!"
Let's go to the still pictures of Road Wild and show you what a great company man (yet lousy president) Sting made.
Come to think of it...let me go back and check that 19 July Nitro report...yup. Hogan vs. Sid - DQ 9:11. Who lost THAT match, you ask? Well, let's just say he's apparently "55-0" right now.
Not that WCW would expect us to REMEMBER that.
Or 21 June, for that matter - Sting defeats Vicious by DQ in 6:11 - then asks the crowd to say "suck it" to our great delight
Oh, wait, am I just LOOKING for a reason tonight? I must be BIASED. How can you ENJOY being treated like a moron? Really? Why WATCH this show when they're going to find totally NEW ways to insult your intelligence EACH AND EVERY WEEK?
Please send all complaints to firstname.lastname@example.org
LASH LeROUX v. JUVENTUD GUERRERA - tonight, Goldberg takes on Barry Windham! Diamond Dallas Page takes on Kidman! Rick Steiner defends his television title against Brian Knobs! Stick around, SOMETHING should appeal to you sooner or later. Also, Sid Vicious is fifty-five and oh. Give me a FUCKIN' break. It's really amazing that in my "One Year Ago" Nitro report, I spent a great deal of time chewing out the WCW brain trust for spending three hours talking about WWF "ten second main events" - remember that? And tonight I get this "55-0" nonsense that I'll probably have to endure for three hours. If you're looking for play-by-play, you don't get it. WCW doesn't care about wrestling, so why should I? SID VISCOUS comes out to chokeslam Guerrera (DQ 2:39) and powerbomb LeRoux. Fans chant "Hogan" because THEY didn't come to see wrestling either, so Sid powerbombs LeRoux again. He's 55-0! 55-0! 55-0! 55-0! "In case no one knows what's happening..." oh boy. "...in the year 2000, the name Sid Vicious will be heard the loudest! In the year 2000, I will accumulate more wins than anyone in the history of professional wrestling. The name Goldberg will be obsolete! So you gotta realise I don't enjoy coming out and beating people up like this, but it's what I have to do. Okay, enough about that. You, Mr. Hogan, if you can chant 'Hogan, Hogan, Hogan' all night long." Crowd chants "Goldberg." "But you Mr. Hogan, you got something that belongs to me, and that's the World Heavyweight belt. You see, you're not the Heavyweight champ until ya go through me, Mr. Hogan, and I am gonna do THIS all night long until Hogan comes down and gives me what is mine. That's the bottom line." Crowd: "'cause Stone Cold said so!"
Shit, should we even bother with this report? "Here's SID VISCOUS come out to powerbomb both guys. DQ." Repeat ten times. "But Hogan has the support of the fans - Hulkamania can not be denied! SMELL THE RATINGS! HOGAN WINS! HOGAN WINS! HOGAN WINS! THE STREAK IS OVER!" There you go. GOOD NIGHT!
You're still here?
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, America (ha!) Online, Moen faucets, Motel 6 7/8, Viractin cold sore medicine (Nitro gives you cold sores), Hot Pockets from Hot Pockets
Time now for a MAJOR WCW onsale announcement! Friday tickets on
sale for Roanoke! Saturday tickets go on sale for Winston-Salem for Fall
Brawl, and Norfolk! Tomorrow, you can still get tickets for Casper, and
Wednesday for Amarillo!
STEVE REGAL (with David Taylor) v. SCOTTY RIGGS - Why hasn't Regal been handed the World Television title on a silver platter yet? Who do the fans root for here? Regal's a heel. Riggs is a heel. Can you tell they just stuck these two guys together with absolutely no thought because they just needed two bodies out there so SID VISCOUS can come out with a fluid chokeslam for Regal (DQ 1:29) and powerbomb for Riggs? God damn WCW. If we're REALLY lucky, Sid will speak! "If you can hear me Hogan, I am pleading - for the rest of the people in WCW, that they don't have to go through this. Answer me. Give me what's mine, Mr. Hogan, just give me what's mine. Give me what's mine. Goldberg - that's one more - one more towards your - your win record, which one day will be my win record, and the name Goldberg will never echo...AGAIN!" If I weren't so pissed off, I'd actually be enjoying Sid's smiling delivery here. But, alas, I am.
You know, maybe I DON'T want to go to that show at the Cow Palace. Of course, it wouldn't be as bad as THIS show...right?
Closed captioning where available hand delivered by Western Union
Nash has Monster Truck Madness! This is quite believable, because it sure SEEMS like he's been playing his N64 instead of spending time coming up with a decent three hours of Nitro booking...
Sting carries the card - and walks around art galleries in full mime getout. Funny that they highlight the Ric Flair and Konnan cards when neither guy's been in action for quite some time...
This portion of the WCW Nitro Suckfest brought to you by 1-800-COLLECT.
I don't like this when Kane does it either.
Or the Undertaker.
The Dynamic Duo mention that it could very wel be a monumental night for Sid Vicious - or for Hulkamania.
Let's go to the still frames from Saturday's Road Wild pay-per-view. "This was a classic big man, strongman wrestling match." Actually, this was late eighties all over again and it left me with a bad feeling - as in "I've got a bad feeling about this" bad feeling. And you know it.
THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION AND THE GODFATHER OF SOUL THE CAT (with Sonny Onoo) v. MIKE ENOS (with "Tonight Show" music??) - Cat predicts he'll defeat Enos in four minutes or leave town and never come back. Why the HELL did Enos come out to the Leno theme? Enos is a big star with quite a nice win streak on shows like Saturday Night and Worldwide, if Tony Schiavone is to be believed. And if you still are of a mind to believe ANYTHING coming out of Schiavone's mouth, you need to go read somebody else's recap. I hear Galatea's being groomed to replace me.
Ring announcer DAVID PENZER is forced to announce the time of the
match as "3:39" although Cat REALLY gets the pinfall in (2:12) and I guess
I should say "well, at least Sid didn't run in on THIS match..." I guess
I should ALSO tell you that Enos had his way for most of this match, but
forgot he was a veteran by making the rookie mistake of turning to Onoo at
the worst time.
BERLYN is technical, determined, and victorious. AND really funny lookin'! Proving that I DID take Deutsch in a previous life, I'm going to take a stab at cutting through those echoes and tell you that I THINK he's saying "Losing...is not an option." Of course, HE'S saying it more like this "Lysyng...ys nyt yn yptyyn."
Sid's beating up SILVER KING and LA PARKA when we come back. There are two people out of these three I'd really like to see on Nitro, WRESTLING. Of course, they're busy having kegs thrown at them and being powerbombed into plastic bags filled with popcorn. "Thank God for the popcorn!" Sid: "Now Hogan, NOW maybe you'll listen. 'Cause you don't want to see this happen to EVERYONE in WCW! So give me what's mine and it'll all be over. Sweet, sweet, sweet..."
Yeah, a one minute segment to boot!
Universal Goldberg ad in here somewhere
LENNY (with Lodi) v. REY REY for the World Cruiserweight Championship - "Retro Lodi outfits 4 ratings" - "Must see Lodi + Lenny TV" - "We dive with Greg Louganis" - good God, they just sneak it in, don't they? - "Blair Witch Fears Lodi + Lenny" - Rey puts Lenny in a waistlock, so Lenny wiggles his ass into Rey's...well, at least we can take THIS match seriously! "Irvine stole my pants!" sign reminds me that Chris Jericho DID have some Lodi duds on for his debut last week - and Lodi's apparently just TRYING to get fired with signs like that. Lenny and Lodi hug on the apron, and Rey gives Lenny a shot, then whips him into his "brother" for the collision. Of the ropes, Lenny somehow reverses into a faceslam for 2. TWO! ONE COUNT AWAY FROM BEING CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD! Anyway, let's get real here. Flying headscissors from Mysterio. Off the ropes, reverse, Mysterio spin (tm) Rey dumps him over the top rope, almost onto Lodi, but he hits the apron. So Rey goes over the top rope with a somersault Thesz press on LODI. Lane to the top turnbuckle - HOLY SHIT! MOONSAULT TO THE FLOOR!! Back in the ring. Whip into the opposite corner - but Rey ducks out and Lenny hits the top turnbuckle. Here's the broncobuster - aw shit, here's SID VISCOUS to shove Rey across the ring (DQ 2:32) - double chokeslam on Lenny and Lodi, powerbomb for Mysterio. Well, here's (THIS IS) STING finally. Blows traded as we cut to YOU KNOW WHO gimping to the ring - I guess we have Sting and Sid fighting so we have a focus away from how badly Hogan's LIMPING as he "jogs" to the ring. Sid quickly takes his leave as Sting and Hogan pump up the crowd.
GENE O. works tonight! And he's in the middle of the ring now to
talk to Sting and Hogan. Sid's got a mic. "Hogan, you and I know you
don't want none of this! You don't want none of this! So tell your
adoring fans that you're gonna give me my belt." "You know something Sid,
you look pretty happy that you got away from the Stinger, but not as happy
as me brother, because when I put the world title on the line, I want you
at 100% because I came here to train, say my prayers, then kick your ass!"
Hogan's EDGY! Vicious again tells Hogan he wants none of this. *I* want
none of this. Anyway, Hogan says after he defeats Sid tonight, next week
he'll give Sting a title shot in Vegas. They ARE the best of friends, you
know. And will be right up until Hogan's next heel turn. Sting gets
about five words in edgewise which I can't be bothered to transcribe here.
Hogan tries on his "train, say your prayers, and kick your ass" line one
more time, and I'm still waiting for Rick to publicly proclaim how wrong
he was to want so badly for one more run in the red and yellow for Hogan.
Camera focuses on a giant "HULKAMANIA DIES" banner as Tony proclaims that
"later tonight, Hulkamania lives!" I long for death's sweet embrace.
Maybe I should go do RAW now come back to this show later. No, I'll just
be too tempted to take a "vacation" like ... oh never mind.
Promotional consideration paid for by David (Flair) sunflower seed, Toaster Breaks from Hot Pockets, Targon enabler for smokers, IceSport from Aqua Velva, Hooked on Phonics, and Naya
INSANE CLOWN POSSE (with Vampiro and Raven) v. PUBLIC ENEMA (with Double Tables) - WHEN RAP GROUPS COLLIDE! Oh, sorry, this isn't THAT Public Enemy. Crowd chants for "ICP" even though I *believe* WCW would like you to treat them as heels. Johnny Grunge DESTROYING Shaggy 2 Dope - as he should since he's an actual wrestler. Rock in - double back elbow into double elbowdrop! I sure missed that. The WWF REALLY missed the boat on these guys - I wonder what the story was behind that... Violent J tagged in and he manages to get the upperhand on Rock, who was jawing with Vampiro and distracted. Whip into the opposite corner - elbow - elbow, right, whip into the opposite corner, Rock steps aside, tag to Grunge - headbutt. Shooting him into the ropes, reversed, Raven grabs the foot, turning Grunge around, J from behind. Sending him out, Vampiro sends him onto the STEEL steps. Whipped into the barricade.
Rock over to
rescue his teammate, but J still on him as he's put back in the ring.
Off the ropes - double clothesline. Crowd clapping for Public Enemy -
finally giving the face treatment to the faces. Tag to Rock! HOUSE
AFIRE! Right, right, clothesline, clothesline, Shaggy flips three times.
Double flapjack - "table chant" - top rope Frankensteiner from Rock!
Commentators miss it, of course. Shaggy 2 Dope, the recipient of said
rana, is placed on the double table stack - Grunge on the apron, Rock on
the top rope - Rock and Shaggy THROUGH BOTH TABLES!! Back in the ring,
Grunge taking it to Violent J despite both men being illegal men, as
protested by referee "Blind" Johnny Boone. Grunge attempting an
avalanche, and J pulling Boone between them. Vampiro up on the top
turnbuckle - there's a spinning leg lariat - there's the Nail in the
Coffin! Vampiro places Violent J on top, then rousts Boone, who forgets
that neither man in legal and counts the fall - 1, 2, 3. (6:39) Well, I
actually can't complain about that match - if you weren't paying
attention, you just missed the beginning of RAW! You think Hogan will
somehow find a way to claim credit if they hold the viewers?|
So if the next two hours are GREAT, will that make me forget the FIRST hour? Is THAT how they think it works?
Does it work like that for YOU?
That new Burger King logo kinda sucks too
Oh boy, DJ RAN is all up in my area! This hour is rated TV-PG-DLV! Ran shops at the same hockey jersey store as Public Enemy, by the way - EVERYBODY wants to suck up to the locals tonight!
Hey look - it's the NITRO GIRLS!
Gene O. welcomes HARLEM HEAT to the ring. They won the belts back not only for themselves, but for the People. Booker T. thanks Diamond Dallas Page for making them "eight time, eight time, eight time, eight time, eight time, eight time, eight time, tag team champions of the world!" So why'd he only say it seven times? Stevie Ray says that they're gonna take on all comers as well as any fruit booties that are so inclined. Booker T. says that Colorado Springs is gonna turn this mutha out, now can u dig it?
Let's go to the still shots where Harlem Heat defeated Bam Bam Bigelow and Kanyon to win the titles. "That's not a double IV Horsemen symbol, that's eight time champions!" Oooh, TONY feeling feisty by slipping in the Horsemen reference! He and Lodi must be racing to see who can get fired first....GO TONY GO! YOU CAN BEAT HIM, BABY!
Nash has a chronic case of Monster Truck Madness - hel-LOOOO, NURSE!
Konnan, in what I hope is his only appearance of the night, shills his bombay
off da hook T-shirt - peep that parental advisory! Rrrrowr!
BERLYN promo #2 - in case you missed it during the hour that people actually WATCH Tony: "Brand new athlete from German - Berlyn will be coming to WCW, making his debut right here in a mere two weeks!" Well, let's see, it's GermanY (note missing last letter), he ISN'T brand new, in fact it was TONY that noticed Alex Wright in the full garb in the front row of Nitro back on 19 April - ohh, wait, that was more than three months ago. Tony probably just forgot. Anyway...
A familiar theme of old fires up over the PA as the NWO - WELL, WHAT'S LEFT OF THEM appears in the aisle. Horace is unhappy that Stevie Ray had the gall to put down his former compadres. Scott Norton says does a lot of screaming - Adams steals the mic from Norton and says he and Vincent will be happy to take on Harlem Heat tonight - Norton takes umbrage and throws an elbow, then a tripleteam beatdown occurs on Adams. Why? Well, the REAL reason is so he can put on some KISS makeup next week in Vegas, but in terms of the story - there ISN'T any REAL good reason to trim the numbers of the NWO down to three, but ... well, not that there's any compelling reason to keep the NWO at all, now that you mention it... well, except for the shirt sales... ah, let's just move on.
Gene O. namedrops John Boy and Billy by way of welcoming KIDMAN to the ring. Okerlund says "chick magnet" 'cause he's hip, you know. Kidman says a clique's forming between himself, Rey, Konnan and Eddie - they're "a bunch of filthy animals." Kidman and Okerlund mention that they've seen the Nitro Girls PPV many times. Okerlund asks Kidman which Nitro Girl is his favourite, and Kidman says Kimberly. Of course, this brings out DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE. "What the hell are you talking about?" Kidman says he wouldn't disrespect either Page OR his wife. Page says Kidman doesn't know how to spell respect: "R...E...S.." and then he slaps him. Then he asks for a ref.
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE v. KIDMAN - Tony calls this an impromptu match, which is fine and all, but was I just DREAMING when they actually mentioned this match at the top of the program? Off the ropes, Page with a tilt-a-whirl into a semi-sidewalk slam, semi-backdrop. Page removes his shirt and chokes Kidman with it - snapmare by the shirt. Kick, kick, scoop - and a slam. Off the ropes with a flourish elbowdrop. 1, 2, KICKOUT!! Choke on the second rope. Kick in the gut. Off the ropes, Kidman reverses into a flying headscissors. Tornado - no, Page just drops him. PAGE POWERBOMBS KIDMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Write this date down! 1, 2, PAGE PULLS HIM UP!! Page threatens referee "Blind" Billy Silverman when he takes exception to that action. Page feeding the crowd. Into the opposite corner, boot up - Kidman runs at him, but runs into a spinebuster. 1, 2, LETS HIM UP AGAIN. Page signals for the Diamond Cutter - Fireman's carry - Kidman slides off the Diamond Cutter attempt, drops into a rollup - 1, 2, 3! (3:13) Page, shocked, gives a wicked sneer and UNLEASHES a sledgehammer blow on Kidman. There's a Diamond Cutter for Silverman. Kidman on Page's back with a sleeperalike - Page drops HIM with a Diamond Cutter. Fans boo with relish and mustard. Time to tie Kidman to the Tree of Woe! Page removes Silverman's belt, Kidman's shirt and whips him like the proverbial government mule. NITRO GRRL KIMBERLY is out, and I mean with breasts and everything - she pulls off Page, who is choking Kidman with the belt. "This guy's your friend! You're blowing this waaay out of proportion - come on!" Page finally lays off, then kills the solemnity of the moment by calling him a "filthy booger" one more time. Still, I think I just MIGHT have become interested in DDP one more time - even if it means Kidman is taken out of the Cruiserweight title picture. Hell, maybe this'll actually move Kidman up the card. Or is that TOO optimistic? The replay
is brought to you by Tough Actin' Tinactin.
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by WRANGLER! One. Word. Sentences.
This is quite an ad break here. When you think Bootsy Collins, think DOMINO'S! THEN I hear "Ring of Fire!" Then...I fast forward because these ARE ads after all. And WHY did they decide it was a good idea to put KETCHUP on the JUMBO JACK?
Dude, Jimmy Barron is a cheap bastard, dude, and he uses 1-800-CALL-ATT to do the Road Report, dude, and this Thursday you can catch THUNDER! live in Lubbock, dude. I actually possess a "Lubbock Jaycees" pin from the 70's which I believe makes me the COOLEST Monday night wrestling reporter on EARTH.
DISCO INFERNO comes out with his own monologue - the Filthy Animals have been calling him and calling him - don't call him, he'll call you. Disco goes on and on about being the next big superstar or something or other and next thing you know CHRIS BENOIT is out telling him that he's stepped into a Revolution and he don't lay down for no one (huh?) so I guess it's on. I would say "contrived" but if this is what it takes to give me this match...
CHRIS BENOIT v. DISCO INFERNO for the United States Heavyweight Championship - "Benoit, there is a fine line between courage and stupidity, and you just crossed it! Prepare for a good ol' Brooklyn New York tushy kicking!" Benoit ducks a clothesline and hits a chop, and another - off the ropes, double shot, cover, 2. Backdrop suplex for 2. Off the ropes, back body drop. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, double Okie blow. No WONDER everybody loves this guy. Look at that varied offense! Gutshot, elbowdrop. I bet Disco wins the title here. Disco reverses a whip into an armdrag, tries for a clothesline, but Benoit catches the arm for the crossface - Disco slips outside the ring for a powder. Benoit grabbing the hair - Disco drops down and catches Benoit on the top rope. Gutshot, off the ropes, Disco with a swinging neckbreaker. 1, 2, no. Disco on him - off the ropes, atomic drop, clothesline, cover, leg hooked, 2 count. Scoop - and a slam. Second rope boogie forearm drop for 2. Side Russian legsweep. 1, 2, no. I think we just went through all his finishers there - except the Stunner. Rear chinlock from Disco and the crowd comes alive (with Pepsi) for Benoit. He's up - powered him off the ropes, but the head is down. Clubbin' forearm across the back by Disco - for 2. "Disco sucks" chant. Disco throws him through the ropes, and follows. Head to the STEEL steps. Disco back in and striking a pose. Back out - whip into the barricade. Rolling Benoit back in, off the ropes, head down, Benoit tries the Sunset flip - and succeeds! But only 2. Disco comes back with a big ol' lariat but only gets 2. Tony proclaims this a four star match (ha!) - Disco trying to work over the body in the corner but it turns into a showcase for Benoit's chops. Disco to the eyes - Benoit flips out of the suplex attempt and hits a German suplex of his own. Both men down - referee "Blind" Charles Robinson (who was "reset buttoned" Saturday) puts on the count. Both men up at 5. Benoit ducks a clothesline and hits a gunshot chop. Into the opposite corner - Disco throws up an elbow - Last Dance attempt is shrugged off - triple snap suplex from Benoit and he climbs to the top. Swandive headbutt! 1, 2, 3. (6:17) "This is only the beginning - of the Revolution!" Watch
the replays and wonder with me - will the
smarts come home if Benoit continues to hold the US title? Depends - how
cynical are they?
"Reach out and crush someone!" Feel the (Monster Truck) Madness!
I'll bet you thought you wouldn't have to see any more Road Wild ads - nope, here's one more - for the ENCORE!
BARRY WINDHAM (with Kendall Windham & Bobby Duncum Jnr) v. COLD BEER - "First Daughter" scored some phenomenal ratings, says Tony. "Hackneyed cliches make the perfect made-for-TBS movie!" says CRZ. I guess he really DIDN'T need the knee brace after all. Tony manages to flub the name of the hotel that the Nitro Grill is in, much to my amusement. Kendall and Duncum separately try to attack before the match starts and fail, Barry gets speared. Jackhammer. Pin. Whoops, missed it. Let's be generous and call it (:43) Why yes, the combined entrances of both men took probably about five minutes, if you were curious. "Who's next? Anybody and everybody!" CRUSH 'EM!
TCI local spot hypes SummerSlam - heh
KISS will appear next week. I hear they won't be wrestling, but ... oh never mind, let's all be surprised next week.
THE ENTIRE NWO - YEP, ALL THREE OF THEM v. HARLEM HEAT in a nontitle handicap match - Tony manages to sneak in
a WCW Hotline plug during the Heat's
entrance. Only one hour to go... how come these two guys don't wear
matching outfits? No opening bell - again. Vincent starts - man, why
these brothers gotta fight. Stevie Ray, of course, has no problems with
Vince. Vince actually manages to come back for a bit before a whip is
reversed - Vince gets the boots up. Clothesline ducked - off the ropes -
man, he just MUSCLED him up and over. But Vincent goes to the eys - and
tags in Big Scott Norton. Repeated blows, elbows, headbutt, chop, whip
into the opposite corner, Stevie puts a boot up, clothesline, again, tag
to Booker T. Double whip, double back elbow, T. covers, but only gets 2.
Norton fires back. Chop. Tag to Horace. Horace all over him. Into the
opposite corner, follow clothesline. If Hulk's a face, what does that do
to Horace? Gutshot, axe kick from Booker T., breakdance, Harlem sidekick,
cover, Vincent makes the save at 2. Booker T. hits Vince as he tries to
get out, and he falls to the floor. But Horace manages to hit the
distracted Booker T. as he turns back. Chop, off the ropes, duck, flying
jalapeno from Booker T. 1, 2, no. Uhhhh!! Tag to Stevie Ray, they send
him in - sidewalk slam coming up. Stevie Ray off the ropes, big boot.
Daring him to get up for another, but Norton hits a clubbing forearm as
Ray comes off the ropes. Tag to Vincent, who is quickly on Stevie Ray -
and the fans, with the badmouth. Fistdrop. Tag to Norton. Headbutt, 2,
3, off the ropes, missile shoulderblock, Booker T. in to stop the pin
count. Norton puts up a finger and points - Booker T. backs down - ha!
Stevie Ray trying to push the headlock to his partner, but of course
referee "Blind" Nick Patrick was talking to the NWO while the tag happened
and totally missed it. Tripleteam on Ray as Patrick tries to get Booker
T. back in his corner. Norton continuing to shove Booker T. off the apron
to the floor in between manhandling Stevie. He signals for the powerbomb,
but BRIAN ADAMS is out and attacking away on all three men. God knows why
the DQ isn't called here - well, obviously Harlem Heat demand nothing less
than a pinfall victory - which they get on Horace following a Booker T.
missile dropkick from the top rope, and a Stevie Ray cover. (7+ minutes)
Brian Adams walks out of the building, and we follow. Adams gets into a
nearby limousine with a KISS license plate...could somebody PLEASE spell
this out for me, har har har.
K-Dogg shills his T-shirt again - hah? Str-8 up G'z 4-eva yo
RICK WOOF WOOF v. NASTY BRIAN KNOBS (with James Hart) for the World Television Title - "First Daughter" will be on again Saturday - Mariel Hemingway models a variety of wet clothing, so it's not a TOTAL loss if ya got nothing better to do Saturday, I suppose. Me being a geek, I'll probably be catching the "Star Trek: the Next Generation" marathon on channel 44 instead. Steiner takes the mic and says something not worth hearing.
Punches here, punches there, Steiner with a clothesline
to stop that nonsense. Rake of the face and various orifices. Knobs
choked with his own coat. Knobs blocks a head to the buckle and fires
back. Steiner reverses the momentum. Into the corner, big boot up,
clothesline from Knobs. Now they're both outside. Steiner taking Knobs
into the STEEL steps. Steiner removes his studded dog collar and whups
him with it, then chokes him. Knobs punching out but not having much
effect. Both men back in - choke on the rope. Who do you root for in
this match, anyway? Aren't they both technically heels? Maybe Sid will
come out in THIS match. Knobs comes back with a scoop slam and an
elbowdrop. Here's another scoop slam. Knobs to the second rope as crowd
chants "boring." Knobs eats a boot. Knobs into the corner, into the
opposite corner, scooting out and attacking. Referee "Blind" Scott
Dickenson BLATANTLY positioning himself in the corner, Knobs trying to
take Steiner to the corner, but Steiner shrugs off and as Dickenson gets
out of the way, Hart brandishes the dog collar - unfortunately, failing to
notice that he's hitting HIS man as he falls to the apron. Knobs groggily
wanders into a top-rope bulldog - 1, 2, 3. (4:38) MATCH OF THE YEAR.
For an encore, Steiner threatens random (amused) crew members. Castrol
GTX oils up a replay. Drive hard!
That's right, time for another Monster Truck Madness spot!
THUNDER! ad features more replays from other shows than replays from the show itself - figure THAT out
KISS performs live! Can they break Chad Brock's STRANGLEHOLD 2.4 QH? Megadeth's 2.1? Find out NEXT WEEK!
Hey, look! It's the Nitro Girls! And they're SPANKING each other!
Here's another long, loving look at your commentary team - coming up Sid and Hogan! Bigelow and Saturn! And NOW let's talk about Rodman and Savage! Rodman is an ATHLETE!
Let Us Take You Back to Road Wild - they're actually showing actual footage instead of still shots - hooray! I can FAST FORWARD this! For some reason, they skip the decent wrestling bits and go straight to the outside nonsense, including the long walk to the portable facilities,
the locked door (why would you be able to lock the door from the
oustide?) and the tip. We are AT LEAST spared the "solid" waste. How
come Nick Patrick didn't count out both men, anyway? Anyway, the encore
Speaking of which, here's one more Road Wild ad by way of hyping the Special Encore Presentation (which really isn't all that special when you think about it)
WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by MILKY WAY! YOU MUST MILK IT!
TRIPPA B (finally has some music) v. PERRY SATURN (with the original "RAW is WAR" entrance them - sorta) - Bigelow is sporting a black eye, interestingly enough. Bigelow calls to referee "Blind" Johnny Boone and while he's talking to him surprises Saturn with a kneelift - ha! It actually looks less like a black eye and more like just some kinda mark now that I see that closeup. Saturn's fighting back, but Bigelow takes him down with one punch. Bigelow rushes him, but Saturn pulls the top rope and Bigelow flies - Saturn to the outside - ASAI MOONSAULT! Both men back in, but Bigelo'w in first, so he gets to stompin'. Nerve hold and rope choke is broken at 4. Off the ropes, Saturn with a kick in the gut - Sunset flip - nope - Bigelow's buttdrop misses, however. Off the ropes with a clothesline - again - Bigelow doesn't go down - third attempt is caught. Saturn in the corner, sat up on the top turnbuckle - Bigelow going for the superplex? But he falls to the mat, so he just beals him instead. 1, 2, no. "Bam Bam sucks!" chant. Bigelow returning to the rope choke. I would classify Bigelow's offense as "deliberate" at this point. Saturn dramatically pulling himself up by the ropes after every big boot. Snapmare by Triple B, to the rear chinlock. Time for the crowd to come alive (with Pepsi - what do you MEAN I already did that joke tonight?) for Saturn. Saturn elbows out but Bigelow drives a knee to the gut, and hits his falling headbutt. Standing on the neck for 4. Saturn with a right, left, right, Bigelow with a standing dropkick (!) - Bigelow covers but they're in the ropes. Saturn with Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine - Saturn tries a suplex but Bigelow falls on him for 2. Whip into the opposite corner, Saturn puts up a foot - Bigelow charges, Saturn sidesteps it. Ten punch countalong is stopped at nine when Bigelow pushes him off - and into referee Boone. Saturn springs off the second rope into a plancha - Exploder! (khris) KANYON is out but Saturn's got a shot for HIM as well - Saturn to the top - but Kanyon is over - pushing him into Bigelow - in position for Greetings from Asbury Park - Kanyon getting on the top turnbuckle to add a spike, but SHANE DOUGLAS is out - pushing Kanyon off in such a way that Saturn lands on Bigelow in the cover - 1, 2, 3. (7:25) Kanyon dumps Douglas over the top rope and he and Bigelow work over Saturn until the VANILLA MIDGETS come out, pick up Douglas, and storm the ring. Bigelow and Kanyon take off. Saturn, back up, looks in the camera
and says the Revolution won't
be kept down.
Dammit, I think we all KNOW that KISS will be performing next week, can we PLEASE stop with the promos already? Especially since it's the SAME ONE OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND
Oh, I see, that ad was the WHOLE SEGMENT. SCREW THE VIEWERS!!
YOU KNOW WHO v. SID VISCOUS for the World Heavyweight Title - They clip Hogan's music so I can't make fun of Hernia Guy singing "He's Ame-e-e-er-i-can Ma-a-ade!" Hogan's too big for chyron! No Michael Buffer tonight, eh? Sid attacks before the bell with the big ol' stompin'. Sid takes the belt and poses with it briefly, then gets back on Hogan. This match will be totally by the numbers, won't it? Do I HAVE to watch? Stomp, stomp, springs off the bottom rope with a stomp, again, scoop...and a slam. Vicious measures - and hits his OWN legdrop! But here's Hogan popping up fresh as a daisy. right, right, right, right, right, right. Windup...and a right. Hey, Hogan, punches are ILLEGAL. Cup the ear to the four sides of the arena. Sid, on the outside, points to his head and says that he DOES have a brain. Uhh? Back in the ring, Hogan makes the "kiss my ass" mime. Sid strikes. Right to the chest, another right. Whip into the opposite corner, gutshot, double sledge, repeated axehandles. Hogan trying to get up. Vicious over and trying to take the head to the buckle - Hogan blocks. Hogan takes SID's head to the top, middle and bottom turnbuckles. Now stomping away. Vicious rolls out, Hogan tries to grab him but Vicious pulls him out by the feet. Sid rakes the face, Hogan rakes the face. BACK RAKE!! Hogan takes a chair and waffles Sid with it (no DQ from THAT?!?) and takes Sid over the barricade into the front row. Sid pokes the eyes to come back. Somehow referee "Blind" Charles Robinson hasn't gotten to ten. Sid takes the chair and clocks HOgan right back. Sid takes Hogan to the commentary table, drives him to the table, then douses Tony with water. SID VICIOUS IS MY HERO! Tony meekly tries to throw some of HIS water back on him - wuss!! Back in the ring, 2 count for Sid. Vulcan neck pinch by Sid.
Time for the crowd to help Hogan "Hulk up" - but Hogan goes back to
the mat. Crowd chants "boring" - or is it "Hogan?" Arm falls once, arm
falls twice, arm doesn't fall thrice - in fact, there's the "ah-ah-ah"
point. Hogan to his feet. Elbow, elbow, elbow, hold is broken. Hogan
ducks a clothesline, but doesn't duck the second one coming off the ropes.
Vicious covers but only gets 2. Hogan appeals to the crowd - Hogan
unappealing to this chronicler - right hand from Vicious, tomahawk chop,
right to the small of the back. Got him in the choke - chokeslam!! But
Sid does NOT cover - well, now he does - 1, 2, Hogan shakes it off. Sid
strikes, Hogan perks up, repeat, Hogan's doing the jackhammer. Hogan
points. Hogan blocks a punch, one, two, three, off the rope, big boot,
legdrop, cover, RICK WOOF WOOF is out with a double axehandle. Cue the
trash. (THIS IS) STING is out to even it up - he and Sid end up on the
outside while Hogan drops a leg on Steiner. Robinson shrugs and counts a
pinfall. On Rick Steiner. Excuse me, that's bullshit. (10:36) Time now
for the posedown, and we're outta here.
The first hour was crap.
The last match as crap.
Why bother to praise the stuff inbetween?
Everything that looks like it could grow to resemble something that I might actually REALLY ENJOY tends to look more and more like it's grudgingly thrown out as some sort of concession in an attempt to get me to stick around - because if only I watched ENOUGH of the Nutjob Screwjob and Hogan Show, I'd come around and appreciate it for the true ART that it so OBVIOUSLY is, and swearing my undying allegiance to Time Warner and Turner. Well, fuck that - I've got a mind of my own and YOU CAN'T THINK FOR ME. Pull your damn head out and CUT THE CRAP already.