/30 August 1999
QUICK QUOTE: SPLN 24 13/16 (+3 5/8)
MY GOD! We start IMMEDIATELY with
STEVE REGAL & DAVID TAYLOR (no entrance) v. DISORDERLY CONDUCT (no entrance) - No! I'm not ready! I CAN'T! I'm gonna have to PRAY Sid runs in and chokeslams everybody so I don't get in trouble for not providing the blow by blow. Would you BELIEVE this is Disorderly Conduct's Nitro DEBUT? Schiavone says the cameras are stationed, poised, ready for the arrival of Berlyn...well, here's SID VISCOUS. Good night everybody! (Less than two minutes) I feel no need to mention anything in the rest of this segment, other than it lasts about seven minutes total.
Backstage, something happens, but the mics must be broken because I hear a faint buzz instead of audio. Wait, there's Lodi & Lenny - apparently they can't get in the building or something. Hey, there's C.G. Afi again - right Pijohos? - holding a LODI RULES sign outside their taxi. They ignore him.
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Naya, America (ha!) Online, Motel 6 7/8, and Croissant Pockets from Hot Pockets! AND IceSport from Aqua Velva! This is the only time tonight you'll see Randy Savage, need I mention.
I was trying to eat, right? And I'd made a nice grilled cheese sandwich, right? And I actually ended up dumping some melted cheese on myself, burning my NAVEL in a move I didn't think was humanly possible - anyway, my POINT is that *that*- that searing pain as my tender bellybuttonular area *burned* - THAT wasn't as bad as enduring Sid's interview.
LAST WEEK: Goldberg Spears Triad! Who's the boss? Millennium Man Streaks! (oh, if only...) All About the Truth...and the Title! oh and a screwjob in the main event. Kiss rocks Nitro! (Allegedly.) AAAAAND, Brian Adams says "Shakka brah!" Well, not really.
The WCW logo is hungry - FOR YOUR SOUL
Opening credits scrape by to make the opening quarter hour
Hey look, it's the NITRO GRRLS!
WE ARE LIVE from the Nassau Colesium in Uniondale, LI 30.8.99 for
WCW Monday Nitro - tonight a great big Goldberg vs. Diamond Dallas Page
match (so sayeth the graphic, anyway)! Tony wants you to know that
Goldberg defeated Raven for the United States title to get to 75-0, now he
says that because Sid's record is 75-0, not because they need to bury
Raven. No, nosiree. Nope.
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and BOBBY HEENAN, for what it's worth. I'm about one more Sid appearance away from throwing in the towel on THIS week, too. The Kiss wrestler is named "Demon" and we'll see him tonight. Also tonight, Gene Okerlund interviews Lex Luger!
Before we throw it to Gene, Tony has to step all over his words by saying that this portion of Nitro is brought to you by SNICKERS! Want to interrupt Okerlund? WHY WAIT?
GENE O. works tonight! And sure enough, here *is* THE NARCISSIST come out to remind us that he's Sting's friend and he's gotta warn him about Hulk Hogan. Luger quickly busts out "my friend Sting" to beat the over/under. Luger says the past three years have proven that Hogan's words are nothing but sham. Later tonight, he'll produce evidence that Hogan is a black-hearted, no good scammer. Luger says he's not here to win any popularity contests with his words, so go ahead and boo - and the crowd complies. I hope Luger proves that entire crowd wrong!! Well, actually I don't care. Well, ACTUALLY I'm a TEENSY bit interested. Okay? Got me. Now let's bring out *SID!*
Tony and Bobby remind us that Fall Brawl is the 12th of September, then throw it to
Out back, a black Mercedes (or, if you're Tony, "limousine") pulls up - three security men and one shapely "interpreter" surround Berlyn himself as he walks out, cane in hand. Apparently, he speaks English, but won't do it out of contempt, or something. The interpreter has a suitably "hilarious" German sounding name, but I'll need to hear it again before I attempt to type it out for you.
WCW is LIVE in Binghamton tomorrow, Port Huron Wednesday, Saginaw Thursday for THUNDER! Tix on sale Friday for Huntsville and Chattanooga for THUNDER!
"Berlyn is in the building!" I CAN NOT WITHHOLD MY EXCITEMENT - well - maybe.
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week as KISS stunk up the joint. Say it with me. TWO POINT THREE! TWO POINT THREE! Is it TRUE that the song they performed is available on the "Stone Cold Metal" CD? That's hilarious. Hey, there's the Demon breaking out of that giant egg!
LASH LeROUX v. SCOTTY RIGGS - Uh uh. I'm not falling for THAT trick. Crowd actually chants "We want Sid" - congratulations, WCW - THIS is what you've conditioned ALL OF US to expect. Fuck wrestling! Later tonight, Diamond Dallas Page will tell us
exactly how fat Goldberg's momma
is. In a total shocker, THIS match is beset with a runin...by
(canadiense) y INSANE CLOWN POSSE. Apparently,
Vampiro and Riggs have
history. Ohhh...kay. Riggs hits a surprise Rocker Dropper for the
- Vampiro tries to put his arm around Riggs, but Riggs
shrugs him off. "You owe me." "I don't owe you nothin'!" I guess
Vampiro bought him that mirror or something. I'll bet Bob Ryder will tell
you that if you only GIVE this angle a chance, you'll be SMILING at the
end of it. I, on the other hand, will tell you that if you only ASSUME
this angle will suck, you can't POSSIBLY be too disappointed when it fails
to perform higher than our expectations.
Closed captioning brought to you thanks to MEINEKE! George Foreman likes the Doritos, by the way.
You know what, those new "Revolution" shirts remind me an AWFUL lot of the old "Raven" shirts. Is that clever recycling? In case you missed it, the REVOLUTION hits the ring. Shane tries to pump up the crowd, then refers to himself as "the Franchise." Crowd is ... tepid. Saturn takes the mic and has words for Rick Steiner - he'd like a shot at the TV title at Fall Brawl - marking the first time in like six weeks that somebody brings up that title. Benoit and Malenko get some mic time but don't set up any matches. They by hitting the catchphrase - "out with evolution, in with Revolution" - then hit their "manos Boricuas" pose.
Hey, look, it's some of the NITRO GRRLS! And they're doing their *naughty chair dance!*
KAZ HAYASHIRYU v. LODI (with Lenny) - PLAY US SOME BARRY MANILOW - LODI LIKES THE TOP, LENNY LIKES THE BOTTOM - BUNK! - PLEASE SEND MORE BLOWPOPS! - THE NY YANKEES STINK! - Lenny's put some tassles and bows on the Cruiserweight title. I'd like to hear Colourbox do Lodi's theme. There's a "Countdown to Mayhem" 26:03:17:17...26:03:16:41 and counting. I bet you thought I'd say "Millennium" in here or something, but I leave the easy shots for the other guys. I will note that this box hogging the screen for thirty seconds is WAY TOO DAMN LONG, however. As for the match - Kaz RULES THE EARTH, of course, not only playing the TOTAL badass dick heel on Lodi, (check that "oh my ass hurts" mocking pose!)
but hitting a
nice flippy-flippy on Lenny on the outside. *Lodi* hits a top rope to the
floor plancha on BOTH his brother and Hayashi (landing on Kaz' head in the
process) to turn the tide. And now I'll note signs in the crowd. We have
"Rey Rey is Gay Gay," always a welcome observation. "I miss Ralphus"
lends a wistful note of nostalgia to the proceedings. Kaz' brainbuster
brings me back to earth. He's gonna GUT him! Lenny, however, crotches
Kaz on the top turnbuckle rather than let him hit the move. There's a
superbulldog from Lodi. 1, 2, no! Referee "Blind" Billy Silverman gets
knocked out as Lodi spins Hayashi around, so Lenny comes in to switch -
and Kaz promptly rolls HIM up, countering a suplex attempt, for the pin.
would wonder whether this secures Hayashi a cruiserweight title
shot - but then one would probably also wonder how "Walker Tejas Ranger"
is gonna turn out on the other channel - then one would wonder if maybe
they should just turn off the television, go outside and talk to the
neighbours, maybe try a little harder to make the world a better place -
or hey! How about going out for PIZZA?
Promotional consideration paid for by David (Flair) sunflower seeds, Croissant Pockets from See Earlier, IceSport from See Earlier, Armor All Shiny Stuff, Jolly Time Blast o' Butter popcorn, and the tangy zip of my favourite sandwich spread - well not really my FAVOURITE
To get a WCW Catalog, repeatedly bash your monitor with your head!
It's going to be Sting against Hulk Hogan at Fall Brawl - Sunday, 12 September!
Gene O. welcomes YOU KNOW WHO to the ring. When did leave the NWO, anyway? I must have missed that. Sign in the crowd says "Why am I here?" I'm with you, baby. Sign in the crowd says "Purple Monkie Refrigerator" - what the HELL does THAT mean? I guess those are code words for Hyatte. Is it just me or are they playing still OTHER music as Hogan starts speaking? Hogan talks and no one listens. He'll NEVER stab Sting in the back. He'll sit in the back, eat fruit and be cool, and watch for that "evidence" from Luger. If Luger's trying to get between Hogan and his good friend Sting, why, he's said his prayer and done a little training, he'll kick Luger's ass! Hogan is EDGY! Whatcha gonna do? You know, Slaughter was right about Hogan. "Puke-amaniacs" never seemed so apropos.
The Dynamic Duo plug the two latest videos from WCW Home Video -
Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair are featured. That Ric Flair guy sure looks
familiar...that piano music plays behind the commentators yet again - so
either it's an INTENTIONAL mistake, or they're causting more unintentional
hilarity by screwing up EXACTLY the same way twice. Either is entirely
possible, I suppose. Tony stands up the Hogan video, Heenan stands up the
Flair video - then knocks over the Hogan video. Heenan's THE MAN.|
LA PARKA & BLITZKRIEG v. REY MYSTERIO JNR & EDDIE GUERRERO - Rey actually makes Eddie smile on his way to the ring. If Konnan is REALLY gone, and we can only pray that he is, wouldn't it be more appropriate to finally stop playing Konnan's "Psycho" when Mysterio comes out? Hey, I didn't know La Parka was Italian!! Parka and Rey start. Parka makes Rey step aside so he can strut. Rey slaps him in return, so Parka KNOCKS him down. La Parka is Spanish for "The Parka." Eddie takes umbrage - Parka SPITS on Eddie, then goes out to the apron. Shoving match - Parka misses and hits the floor. Next thing you know, Eddie is shooting Rey into a baseball slide, caught, tornado DDT on the floor! Meanwhile Blitz is in and on Eddie with a kick, snapmare, off the ropes, standing somersault splash, backflip splash, 1 count. Eddie comes back with the tilt-a-whirl backbreaker off the ropes. Tag to Mysterio. Snaprmares him over - off the ropes with the quebrada moonsault. Blitz manages a tag to Parka after Rey poses. Rey makes him miss and hit the ropes. Parka catches him trying the crossbody, drops him, takes too long strutting, whip is reversed. La Parka DOES catch him coming in and hits a scoop slam. Tag to Blitzkrieg, who puts him in a bearhug for a sky high dropkick from La Parka for 2. Hey, there's VAMPIRO y INSANE CLOWN POSSE up there on the entryway again. This is an exciting match, so it would be wrong of me to stop to ask what the hell Charles Robinson is doing out there as the ref when he's busy holding signs for Sid Vicious...yeah. Miscommunication spot for the bad guys, Eddie gets the hot tag, missile dropkick on Parka, back bodydrop on Blitzkrieg. Eddie climbs the ropes and hits a nice 'rana on Parka. Rey in to take Parka over the ropes with a flying headscissors. Back in the ring, Blitzkrieg shoots him into the corner, and hits a nice tumbling run that ends up on the top turnbuckle as Eddie gets out of the way. Eddie flips Rey up into a superFrankensteiner for Blitzkrieg. Eddie sends Rey over the top rope into a pescado on Parka on the floor, then hits the frog splash on Blitzkrieg for the pin. (3:53) Snickers provides the replay. Hungry for a replay? Why wait? Why did Vampiro and ICP look on? I'll bet Scotty Riggs has something to do with this!
After a respectful amount of black screen
Berlyn vignette - why? We've already seen him--
Whoops, cut off for an ad instead
The production crew is really on the ball tonight, yeah buddy
That grilled cheese wasn't enough - man, I'm hungry. I wish I had some food. I suppose I could pop over to 7-Eleven, but I might miss some ACTION! Oh the trials and tribulations of being me.
Like this THUNDER! ad here. I would have MISSED it! Sid said "Revolution!" and everything!
And now, here again - a Berlyn vignette. Know Victory! (Jack Victory?) No defeat! "Verlieren ist nicht aberzecgahoban" or whatever he says.
"Close enough to Carmina Burana for the closed captioning folks" plays one more time as Gene O. welcomes BYRLYN (und sein entourage) - the leggy translator is named UTE LUDENDORF - dig that crazy lighting treatment! The secret service men frisk Okerlund beforehand, har har. I am just shocked by the incredibly bad iris settings here.
Wright talks, then the blonde chick talks, then the crowd boos. The
challenge goes out to ... Buff Bagwell. Oh man. Finally hearing the
tagline wihout all the weird echos, I come up with "Losing is not
acceptable" before the translator muffs it "Losing is not...ummm...IS
I say nothing about Kevin Nash's chronic case of Monster Truck Madness! NOTHING!
Man, I could have a bag of Fritos AND a giant Slurpee right now - but NOOOOO - I had to listen to FREAKIN' ALEX WRIGHT.
"It's a rematch so big it can only be seen on pay-per-view." And it takes place at Fall Brawl - that's #2 for this spot
Gene O. mentions the Islanders, and the crowd boos - that's DAMN funny. He is interrupted by THE NARCISSIST, who apparently caught Hogan going through his bags in the locker room, and knocking out every window in his car, after coming to after being roughed up. He's gonna show Sting! He's gonna show us all!
This short segment was brought to you by the fine folks at Wrangler.
And here's a Megadeth ad.
And here's a Monster Truck Madness ad. Herb Kunze had a HILARIOUS scan of an early preview of this game about a year ago - I wish I'd kept it, but I didn't. And I can't find it in Herb's picture repository anymore. Oh well.
KENNY KAOS & PRINCE IAUKEA (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. BARRY & KENDALL WINDHAM (with Curt Hennig) for the world tag team championship - Oh,
please. (Kneedrop -> pin
2:02) Interestingly (or not), only one
man for each team is in the entire time - Kendall & Prince. Must be fun
to be Kaos. After the match, Barry and Curt make noise until
come out and a Pier Seven brawl erupts, ending in
referee "Blind" Mickey
J. *inexplicably* counting a pinfall for Booker T. following a Harlem
sidekick on Kendall - which apparently doesn't count for anything,
naturally. BOBBY DUNCUM
JNR comes out and the four eventually get the
upper hand on the two, and there's some hog-tyin' goin' on. How racist!
Coming up: another Goldberg/DDP graphic
But first, another Monster Truck Madness ad - honk if you're tired of seeing Kevin Nash act "cool"
Sting/Hogan Fall Brawl graphic #3
Gene O. says he rushed back to the locker room, and now he's rushed back to the ring, and now it's time to once again bring out THE NARCISSIST for that hard evidence. If you're like me, you've already figured out the middle AND ending of this story, but let's just watch the spinning wheel unfold. Or something. Luger carries a manila envelope with him. Anybody seen Sting tonight? "A picture's worth a thousand words...I don't take any pleasure at what I'm about to do." Luger calls out Sting, because he more than anyone else needs to see what he's got. (THIS IS) STING *does* come out - as we hear about ten times during this entrance that Sting is Luger's friend of thirteen years. Listening to Tony and Bobby talk about how Luger would never swerve Sting makes me wonder where exactly they've been these past few years. Luger says that while the red and yellow scam artist was supposedly rehabbing his knee - he was busy driving the white Hummer that nearly ended Nash's career! Well, it's a picture of Hogan and a Hummer. YOU KNOW WHO is quickly out to ask Luger where he got the picture, and that picture doesn't prove anything, by the way. Hogan asks Sting to look in his eyes - he wouldn't stab him in the back. For no apparent reason, DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE gets in the ring, gets a shot in on Hogan, and gets out to rejoin his mates in the TRIAD outside the ring. Huh? Then Sting suddenly decides to get angry and shout a lot. The SECURITY DETAIL quickly fills the ring to separate Sting and Hogan. Umm... Now I should probably be trying to make this clusterfuck sound LESS confusing. I guess I'll say "at least Sid wasn't involved" but if you're like me, you're wondering if all that business with Savage, Mona and Madusa AND the Hummer driver (the fake Sting) was all a dream. Then you're wondering why you haven't just popped over to 7-Eleven, 'cause obviously you're not MISSING anything by getting a cold, frosty Slurpee and possibly a bag of chips. I wonder - what does Bob Ryder think of all this? I feel like I already know...
gives us some one-on-one actin. I like her a lot
better when she's showing off her gams 'n' stuff.
That reminds me - where's Miss Elizabeth again?
VAN HAMMER v. BUFF IS THE STUFF - Tony says the production crew is frantically locating a way to bring back some Hummer footage that doesn't have Randy Savage in it, later in the show. I think we get ONE wrestling move in the first minute - of course, we cut to the entrance where UTE LUDENDORF & BYRLYN'S DETAIL take notes and chat. Sign in crowd says "Where is Mr. Fuji?" and this actually causes ME to wonder where Ricco Suave is - he was like a Bobby Heenan for the 90's, and darn near the only reason to watch the AWF. Well, that and Lord Alfred Hayes. Oh, and Tito Santana. Ole! (Buff Blockbuster -> pin 4:58) The Blockbuster is the "Lugz kick of the week." And if you, smartass, think that a blockbuster isn't a kick, well, you haven't been complaining loudly enough about those Coast Guard Rescues of the Week neither.
Let Us Take You Back to 7 June - yo, wasn't that Randy Savage? Isn't that Madusa 6 standing WAAAAY in the background? A white hummer repeatedly rams a limousine at great expense - money that could probably have been better used to hire Morris Day & the Time to blow the roof off the joint - Jungle Luuuuv / O E O E O / Girl I wanna Know Ya (Know Ya) / Heeey Jungle Luuuuuuv
We never DID see the cameraman inside the limo again... *sniff*
Let's Take A Special Look at Insane Clown Posse By Way Of
Advertising Their New Album - it's AMAZING!
MEAN MIKE ENOS (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. OUTRAGEOUS EVAN KARAGIAS - let me check my watch again. 22:02. Hmmm....so this IS the third hour. And I have Enos and Karagias opening up this here third hour. Okay, just checking. Enos has a license plate on his ass that says "Enos." No, REALLY. Let's split screen to that "Countdown to WCW Mayhem" clock. 26:01:57:40 - the BEST thing about this clock is is takes up MORE of the screen than this match! Crowd chants "We want Sid" and I am very very sad. Enos actually talks to the crowd. "What do you want?" "Sid!" "Sid's NOTHING!" Enos is really winning me over here. Now the crowd (and Enos) are distracted by something over to the left there. Over on the other channel, Mankind is not wrestling. Say, there's VAMPRIO & ICP again - don't tell me that Enos owes THEM money, too! So, ICP distracts referee "Blind" Charles Robinson while Vampiro hits a spinning top rope spinning spin kick. Karagias covers for the pinfall (4:25) and now Vampiro tells Karagias OWES him - while they argue, some KISS fires up over the PA and...from the entryway, there's the giant ice-covered rock splitting open once again to reveal the DEMON. Funny thing is, when he speaks, it sounds just like Brian Adams. "Hey Vampiro - not here - not now. Not this time. Ahhhhhh!" Cue pyro. Demon's kinda dressed like Demo Crush, but with Simmons facepaint. Vampiro's like "wha?" and ICP's like "wait, we hate KISS, don't we?" and I'm like "OH SWEET JESUS - ARE THEY *ACTIVELY* TRYING TO BE SO BAD AS TO MAKE ME QUIT SO THEY WON'T HAVE TO READ ME HALF-ASS THESE WEAK CRITIQUES EVERY WEEK"
The Superstar Series presents "NWO 4 Life" and "Kevin Nash: the Outsider" - next week, ads for Hogan's and Flair's tape!
HUGH MORRUS & NASTY BRIAN KNOBS (with James Hart) v. DEAN MALENKO & SHANE DOUGLAS - Tony and Bobby are downright STYMIED - they have NO IDEA who that strange Kiss lookin' guy was who was rolled out in that giant THING by stagehands unbeknownst to part of the audience. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week when Rick Steiner bulldogged Saturn into a pinfall victory for the First Familly. Well, we had the Prince in the previous segment, time now for the Revolution. Knobs calls them "crybabies" which gets a smirk from me. THIS IS A TAG TEAM WAR!! I'm pretty sure that when Douglas left ECW, he had DREAMS of selling Brian Knobs' "pit stop" in WCW. Terribly long heat segment on Douglas ends when Malenko says "hell with this," and pushes aside referee "Blind" Scott Dickenson to do a house afire bit.
Now he's putting on the Tejas cloverleaf despite being
(I think) not the legal man. Jimmy Hart is in the ring - I hope he gets
clocked! Oh boy, he did! I suppose this barely qualifies as a brawl of
some sort from some Pier of some number. Somehow, Hugh Morrus lands No
Laughing Matter - well, on the mat, as Douglas rolls out of the way.
Knobs and Malenko still having fun on the outside. Now Morrus is outside
and Douglas is scaling the ropes - wow! REALLY SHITTY PLANCHA from Douglas
on the First Family! Looks like a double countout coming up...yeppers.
And you know why? Because, friends, it's the First Family and
the Revolution - AND NEITHER TEAM CAN AFFORD TO DO THE JOB!!!!! Just for
fun, the brawl continues up the ramp. Then, they all WALK AWAY thinking
we've gone to ad break. THEN we go to ad break. THIS IS WCW!
You know, there are people out there that want this report broken up into several pieces to increase the hit count. Can you IMAGINE your pain and suffering being increased by having to click several times just to see the great pains I took to avoid calling matches as the show went on?
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Wendy's Hamburger Bliss!
Gene O. lets us in on the big attraction over there - it involves a swimsuit, apparently. Then they throw her out. And why bother checking out a chick in a cute outfit when we got YOU KNOW WHO one more time. He's American made. Hogan thanks the fans for sticking with him, and they boo. Hogan brings up Nick and Sting and how he'd never stab them in the back - again. Hogan says next week he'll prove that Lex Luger is wrong. Hogan ALSO says that he'd like to take on DDP tonight, even though he knows that Goldberg is advertised to take him on tonight, so he asks if he'd come out so he can ask him a favour. Goldberg's "new song, 'Crush 'em'" (credit: Tony) plays and COLD BEER walks out. "Well you know Bill, you know what's going on here with Luger. I'd never stab you in the back. Diamond Dallas Page has crawled so far up inside of me..." and so on. He asks if Goldberg would step aside so he can have the match. Goldberg counteroffers with a handicap tag - Goldberg & Hogan against the Triad. Hogan's up for this. Cue DA TRIAD, who appear in the entryway and talk all ethnic. It's on - BANG. Hogan predicts that they'll rip off their heads, and also the roof off this joint. Goldberg invites us to stay tuned and watch the massacre. I guess we can't use that graphic anymore...
DYSCO YNFYRNO v. RICK WOOF WOOF for the World Television championship - rather swank ensemble for Inferno's homecoming, including gay cowboy hat. Wait, you mean he's not REALLY from Brooklyn? "My name is the Disco Inferno - I am a Superstar - I am a Sex Symbol - I am a bona-fide booty shakin' badass - let's face it, the Disco Inferno is an icon! I am living la vida loca...and alllll the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a white guy! Now there's a guy back there trying to be a superstar, trying to be a top guy, trying to be
just like the Disco
Inferno, and he is wearing my television title - Rick Steiner - you need
to get your tush down here and bring my belt with ya!" So, like, does
that make Steiner the FACE in this matchup? When exactly did tonight's
show turn into THUNDER! anyway? Disco tells Rick to just put the belt
around his waist, so Rick FLATTENS him. Sign in crowd: "Konnan's gone -
THANK GOD" - Amen brudda! This suplexarific match ends with a bulldog and
BUT IT AIN'T OVER as Steiner continues the poundin'.
Referee "Blind" Mickey J. is tossed as well. PERRY SATURN comes out to
stop the carnage and before THEY can get any kind of brawl going - Rick
takes off. Golly, what an exciting match that could be at Fall Brawl - if
only it gets signed! I HOPE! I WISH! I *PRAY*!
Fall Brawl spot #2 - not to be confused with the Hogan/Sting Fall Brawl spots - yeah
Just another half hour and I can go get a Slurpee - I think I've EARNED it. Yup.
Anybody who wants to bitch about the half-ass job I've done with tonight's Nitro has to put a dollar in my pocket first - otherwise harass the firstname.lastname@example.org, who gets paid a lot more to listen to complaints about CRZ than CRZ does, and also wishes I'd stop mentioning it, thank you very much
LIGHTNINGFOOT JERRY FLYNN (with James Hart) v. CHRIS BENOIT for the United States Heavyweight Championship - Okay, so Jerry Flynn, the #1 contender for the United States Heavyweight Championship, wrestles in the final half hour. JERRY FREAKIN' PAY PER VIEW STAR FLYNN. Maybe in YOUR world this is okay, but in MY world...well, actually in any other week this might be the kind of kooky, offbeat match that I might really get into. Kinda like a Meng match - I sure could go for one of those for some strange reason. But this week...this week. Tony just said the "spectre of death" hangs heavy over the Fall Brawl main event. Add it to the list: Regal & Taylor get NO match thanks to Sid, Berlyn speaks German and makes the camera white levels malfunction, Kendall and Iaukea forget they have tag team partners, Vampiro and ICP show up three times and confuse the hell out of the audience ALL three times, Karagias and Enos lead off the third hour...and hell, THIS match ends when Hart calls out HUGH MORRUS & BRIAN KNOBS & BARBARIAN, (DQ 4:33) because it is VITAL that NO member of the First Family EVER DOES THE JOB. NOT EVEN FREAKIN' LIGHTNINGFOOT JERRY FLYNN. We simply MUST protect the First Family's push!!
PERRY SATURN & DEAN MALENKO & SHANE
DOUGLAS even up the sides and the
First Family takes a powder. Benoit takes the mic and has words for the
First Family...and *then* goes on to challenge...Sid Vicious. Errr, what?
Saturn hits the "evolution/revolution" tagline and again the four members
of the Revolution hit the "manos Boricua" raised fist pose. "Huah!"
Remember when Buff Bagwell got that pinfall on Ric Flair? Remember when Disco Inferno was talking about old vs. young? Remember that wacky Kidman guy? Anyone else wondering what WCW could possibly do next?
MICHAEL BUFFER is out to make sure we're ready
DA TRIAD v. COLD BEER & YOU KNOW WHO - Who LETS Page say the SAME FUCKING THING EVERY FUCKING WEEK? Who LETS him do that? Just tell me that. Of COURSE Goldberg and Hogan get separate entrances - we've got twelve minutes to kill here! You know what would REALLY make this match for me? That's right. The Demon. We can only hope. I don't dare notice that Charles Robinson is the official assigned this match because it might bring out Sid or something. Hogan and Bigelow start as the first pieces of trash fly. Bigelow scoops and slams - headbutt off the top misses, though. Right, right, right, Kanyon in, right, Page in, right, everybody out, time to pose. How's that knee, Hogan? Looks okay so far. Bigelow back in - crowd chants "Goldberg" so Hogan points to Goldberg. "Oh yeah, there's my rub." Tag to Goldberg. Tag to Kanyon, who looks rather uneasy. Goldberg with the gutshot. Pumphandle overhead beal, yow. Off the ropes - press into a drop. Goldberg dares either of the other men to tag in. Kanyon goes for the face, then pushes Goldberg into the ropes, where Bigelow gets a shot from behind. Page with a top rope clotheslines to keep him from coming back. Swinging neckbreaker. Illegal object shot and Goldberg's finally down. Kanyon with some bruising, then a tag to Bigelow for some beating, back to Kanyon, now to Page - gutshot from Page, Russian legsweep from Kanyon, flourished elbowdrop from Page for 2.
Quick tags here, 1 count from Kanyon following a Page elbow to a
sensitive area. Goldberg trying to get up. Crowd chants. Doubel whip,
Goldberg runs through it and hits a double clothesline on Page and Kanyon.
Wow, he's fine, but go ahead. Tag to Hogan! Point to Page. Right,
right, right, big boot, Kanyon's down, Bigelow's down, Goldberg spears
Kanyon - big boot for Bigelow from Hogan. Big ol' roll of TP. Page with a
chair on Goldberg. Page ALSO manages a Diamond Cutter on Goldberg but
Hogan's already hit the legdrop on Bigelow for the pin (5:02). Well, no
Sid, at least....I guess...
Tony says something's going on in the back. We cut backstage to Sting trying to get into Hogan's locker room - he opens the door... and for a brief, almost split second we see two figures who look a lot like RANDY SAVAGE & GORGEOUS GEORGE...well, kinda...I mean, it's really blurry and quick, and really you could put ANYBODY in them furry ugly things and sunglasses and have them look like Savage, and we IMMEDIATELY cut to a shot of Sting looking surprised/shocked/disappointed...a shot which LINGERS for a long time, considering they could have given some of that shot to the other angle, and that HULKSTER weight belt is in PERFECT focus, and...
Oh, hell, I'm just LOOKING for something to take the focus off the fact that I pretty much hated this show. For sure, the last shot is interesting, but an interesting half second doesn't make a thumbs-up three hour experience. That's fer DAMN sure.
We're out at 2 after. Quick, turn to RAW! Oh wait, you're on the West Coast with me and it's only got a few minutes left. Oh well - good thing I taped that one too!