/15 November 1999
thyself over to Usenet - the rec.sport.pro-wrestling Awards
QUICK QUOTE: TWX 70 15/16 (+ 2 13/16) - SPLN 42 5/16 (+ 4 9/16)
The WCW logo is watching me
Opening credits - ahh, those were happier times. The Nitro Grrls - all they were about was the dance. The dance was them, and they were the dance. Times seemed so much simpler then. Not like now. No. Not like now.
This show is rated TV-14-DLS - thank GOD they took out the VIOLENCE! HIT THAT PERFECT BEAT and throw up some pyro - THIS is the Alltel Arena, THIS is Little Rock, AR, THIS is a hot, hot crowd - THIS is closed captioned (eh?) - THIS is....A MATCH!
SCREAMIN' WARREN MOON v. LEAPIN' LANNY POFFO in a hardcore match - yes, friends, Black Magic Norman Smiley is dressed up in football garb while Jimmy Hart has settled for the old standy suit of armour last popularised by the former Genius. No, Poffo isn't actually IN this match - don't be confused. Some people have waited over EIGHTEEN MONTHS for me to make the Warren Moon joke - some people wish I'd kept on saving it. Hart, by the way, comes out to "Not the Zoo," the First Family Theme. Jimmy Hart hasn't wrestled in what, sixteen years or so? There's about two hundred wrestlers in this company and they got Jimmy FREAKIN' Hart making his WCW debut this week. Garbage cans and broomsticks tend to not hurt as much when you're wearing all the padding - apparently. Hart with powder. Crowd chants "Smiley" - which means that not only are they a great crowd, but they're REALLY starved for professional wrestling. Highlight of this match is Hart attempting to imitate the "doin' it in da butt and smackin' my bitch up" dance. BRIAN KNOBS is out to help his manager because this match apparently isn't sports entertainmenty ENOUGH already. Finish sees Knobs place Smiley on a table, but Smiley have just enough to get out of the way of a Hart apron-to-the-floor elbowdrop. Knobs posing to the crowd as referee "Blind" Mickey J. counts 3 (4:46), of course not knowing that HIS man is the one getting pinned. Postmatch, Knobs attempts to gently give Smiley a concussion with garbage can lids. Smiley screams like a woman. Hart collapses into the laundry bin and Knobs wheels him off as "Not the Zoo" plays. Something tells me we're in for a long night, you and I.
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and BOBBY HEENAN. Tonight, the WCW title tourney is in the Quarterfinals! Group 1 sees Bret Hart take on Kidman. In Group 2, it's the Total Package and Sting. Group 3 is down to Chris Benoit and Scott Hall. And in Group 4, Buff Bagwell takes on Jeff Jarrett. Someone gets dangerously close to Heenan, 'cause he flinches. Also tonight, Rick Steiner takes on Sid Vicious! A "House of Pain" cage match between the Revolution and the Filthy Animals! Curt Hennig takes on Goldberg - his career is on the line! Also, a bunch of non-wrestlers - allegedly - wrestle! Stay tuned!
MIKE TENAY is backstage with Curt Hennig - the Powers That Be have decreed that if he loses, he's out - but if he wins, he gets a new contract. He's not comfortable with the situation, but he guarantees he'll put up a fight.
Meanwhile, Kimberly finds TERRY TAYLOR - the Powers That Be have requested her presence and she needs directions.
Elsewhere, the Outsiders are WALKING! And...oh God...Nash is dressed up like...well, Tony said he's Sid Vicious, so I guess that's who he is. Listen carefully as we fade to black and you can hear "Okay, we're out"
In the local slot, a spot for the WWF House Show in San Jose 26 November. Good ol' cross promotion...
Closed captioning (where available) sponsored by Toy Biz Tuff Talkin Wrestlers. Yeah, that makes sense, 'cause if you can't hear, you want to play with wrestlers that REALLY TALK TO EACH OTHER!
"Earlier Today," Mike Tenay interviewed with Spice, who stood with Storm and Chae. Spice tells us that A.C. Jazz realised what was best for the team - she backed out of the fight, and actually left the Nitro Grrls. As for where that leaves Fyre and Tygress...well, Tygress jumped Spice - opportunistic little bitch! I guess NOW we know who ain't too proud to get in the mud. What I want to know is who will keep Larry Zed from weeping uncontrollably with no blue-eyed goddess to lech after? Of course, she might now be in need of a paying job, so... But hey, what about that CALENDAR? They did a whole PPV special about it!
Let Us Take You Back One
Week To Show You How Special Referee Nash
Made Sure Hall Won The US Title In That Ladder Match
And now the OUTSIDERS are walking to the ring. Man, Nash just gets FUNNIER and MORE ENTERTAINING EVERY WEEK. I bet the ratings are THROUGH THE ROOF. Nash has big pit stains - big, but not terribly sexy. Hall's up first. "Hey yo. The Outsiders got a little message for big Sid Vicious...Sid, you're as dumb as ya look - and I've got the proof - right here." This'll be a fuckin' treat, I'm sure. Thing is, *he don't look all that much like Sid.* "I am the ruler...of the world! And if I could chew gum and walk at the same time, I'd be the US Champion...right now. So...so what, I'm a little slow? But I'M THE RULER OF THE WORLD! And I might look like a complete jackass...and I might have the mind and brain of a mule - BUT I AM - THE RULER OF THE WORLD! Now you might be able to outsmart me and outthink me, and yeah, I probably can't get a complete...........make no bones about it though - I AM! THE RULEROFTHEWORLD! Hehehehehe. Matter of fact, I'm just a complete - idiot!" You know, a lot of that stuff Nash said could apply to...oh, never mind. You know (2), the more of these Nash does, the less cool his Horsemen parody seems - because inevitably, his Arn Anderson voice tends to creep into every OTHER parody he ever does. Anyway, let's bring out SID VISCOUS (who must be a face this week) and let's see what he's got. "See, I've had enough of you two! See, you've screwed me - you've taken my title - you look like a jackass! See it all stops tonight. See Nash, you can wear any Halloween costume you want to, but you know and I know that you're only half the man that I am - and I have half the brain that you do. But week after week - you've tried to make me look like a jackass - but it stops tonight, and for you Hall, the road to WCW - the Heavyweight Championship of the World - well, it ENDS tonight. Look at you, Nash. Even though I'm already scheduled to wrestle here tonight...if I can get your chicke[nshit ass outta] retirement, it'll be you and me - one on one - if ya got the balls - which I doubt - and I will SHOW YOU who the Master is." "I'm still retired, Sid, it ain't gonna happen." "I'm begging ya, Kevin, for once in your life, be a man - not a clown! But see, I can step back here, and I can look at you - and what I see is a shell of a FORMER you. Yeah, I can see that - you can see that - and every person in this arena can see that." The music plays - and Nash looks - stoic. Well, as stoic as you CAN look behind that mask and wig.
Mike Tenay interviews Booker T., who is facing Creative Control in a handicap match. Get this, they're named "Patrick" and "Gerald." GIVE ME A FUCKIN' BREAK. What a petty, pathetic, nickel-and-dime....Jesus. Like they just sit around DREAMING of ways to "get back" at that evil empire up north. T says that when midnight strikes, it's all over for Patty and Geraldine. Apparently, that's when the mysterious woman will show up.
Kimberly arrives at a door marked "Powers That Be." A twin gives her a once over while the other announces her arrival.
Promotional consideration (I guess - no sound here) paid for by Slim Jim, Tuff Talkin' Wrestlers ("They're really talking to each other!"), Jolly Time Blast o' Butter microwave popcorn, America (ha!) Online, Ham'n'Cheese from Hot Pockets, and Jet-Dry! Listen carefully as in the background you can hear DJ Ran pump up the crowd - because the tech side has really been suffering lately...must be a cost-cutting move...
THIS portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Snickers! Waiting for wrestling? WHY WAIT?
Backstage, Kimberly says that asking her to be a wrestler is [bullshit]. The unseen voice of ... let's call him "Charlie" says that she quit the Nitro Grrls, and she's still under contract, so she'll "wrestle like everybody else." That must be irony. To prepare her for her match with David Flair, she'll wrestle a tuneup match tonight "against a seasoned veteran...Asya." Find the flaw with THAT one. Charlie promises a Special Guest Referee - I wonder who THAT'LL be. After Kimberly leaves, Charlie leaves instructions for Creative Control to deal with Booker T. As THEY leave, Nash enters..."Now what the hell is this."
BOOKA T. v. CREATIVE CONTROL
Handicap Match - T. is stopped
prior to his entrance by CHAVO GUERRERO
JNR who is trying to sell him Amway
products. Not only is this not funny, but with every showing, less and
less people give a crap about it. It's sad to see Booker T., the kind of
guy you build an entire company around, dealing in crap like this. To be
sure, giving him a match like this insinuates that he's involved in the top
angle, as (like it or not) the Powers That Be are the top angle at the
moment, sucking in practically everything as a black hole in the centre of
this universe. Oh JESUS CHRIST. Listen to Tony Schiavone: "Fans, we've
got some huge news to pass along to you right now...we need to talk about
it before this match gets underway. You saw Nash meeting with the Powers
that Be - the Powers that Be have now waived Nash's retirement. *That was
a really lame angle anyway.*" TONY FUCKING SCHIAVONE said "That was a
really lame angle anyway." He used the word "angle." Can this company try
HARDER to suck? Is it POSSIBLE? Nash takes on Vicious in a Street Fight
(aka "a no-wrestling match"). Lockup, to the unfriendly corner, T elbows
out, onto the man in the ring - spin wheel kick off the ropes. European
elbows - into the opposite corner, boots up. Running lariat. Tag. Right,
right, double whip, double back elbow. Through the ropes to the outside.
T. whipped - reversed - into the barricade. All over one, but the other
hits from behind. MASSIVE "Booker T." chant. I can't WAIT for WCW to piss
it away. Back in the ring, stomping away on him. Tag, double whip, duck,
dropkick from T takes out both men! One man rolls to the outside - T on
the other, gutshot, off the ropes, axe kick! Breakdances up! Going to the
top for the missile dropkick - and HITS it! Cover - 1, 2, save. Off the
ropes, duck, double uranage. 1, 2, 3. (2:57) Of course, two men
beat one - but that doesn't mean I have to like it. A doubleteam beatdown
ensues - until the lights go out (is this ECW?) and a single gong sounds.
When the lights are up, THAT
CHICK is in the ring - she and Booker T. take
it to Creative Control. You can almost hear Booker T: "Damn, GET OVER HERE
so we can do this double whip, double clothesline! He can't act stunned
forever!" I guess we know her name now - it's *gotta* be Midnight. Of
course, in the land of Sports Entertainment, it's probably "Mydnyte" or
some other crap like that.
Back in the locker room, Brian Knobs and Jimmy Hart have a discussion - but we angle back to Jerry Flynn and Barbarian, who are having words. Are they wrestling later tonight?
Meanwhile, Goldberg - why - Goldberg - is - WALKING! Geez, if he's just arriving, won't that be difficult - only twenty minutes of prep time and all?
The WCW New Year's Evil Sweepstakes only has two weeks left! Last week's match of the week saw Rick Steiner defeat the Disco Inferno - and Ryan Wilson from Visalia, CA (hey, that's close to my old stomping grounds!) won a trip to the Astrodome! Coming up soon - your chance to enter!
"WCW Mayhem: the Music" comes out TOMORROW! It features a whole bunch of people (we don't mention ICP anymore) as well as wrestler themes (listed on screen, Goldberg, Sting, Wolfpac, K-Dog, And More - I wonder if that "take the grass out of your pocket and smoke it" line is left in)
Charlie chews out Creative Control for getting beat up by a woman. He brings up Eli & Jacob Blu - "would you like me to call Dutch Mantell?" - then he brings up DOA - "That was really over, DOA" - then he tells them to get Torrie and the luchadors. Wow, all this "smart" talk REALLY MAKES ME INTERESTED IN WCW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MATCH OF THE WEEK: JOHNNY BOONE (no entrance) v. OUTRAGEOUS EVAN KARAGIAS (with Madusa) - Let Us Take You Back To Last Week where Karagias and Boone slugged it out as Benoit and Madusa ... "wrestled." Remember, Boone was a WCW jobber until the untimely death of his brother Brady created an open position for a referee. Madusa joins the commentary team and does a Mae West impersonation - Madusa being about as old as Mae West. The implication is apparently supposed to be that she and Karagias have been having lots of sex and she's really, REALLY laid back now. The REAL implication is that when it comes to commentary, she sucks rocks on a stick - and possibly Karagias' wang. Boone actually gets the upper hand as Madusa walks into the ring - keep the camera angle high, please - picks up Boone - thrusts his face into her cleavage, pulls his shirt over his head and pushes him over Karagias, who was on all fours - that's a schoolboy - rather than DQ Karagias, referee "Blind" Nick Patrick decides NOW he can do something, walks over and counts a pinfall for Karagias. (2:50) There's a Greco-Roman liplock. He carries her off in his crotch. Or something. Who cares. Get on WCW.com - the answer is "Karagias."
Back in Charlie's office with Villano V, El Dandy, Silver King, Psychosis and Juventud Guerrera (ha ha, he called El Dandy "Lou Ferrigno Jnr!" Screw all the Mexicans! Ha ha ha!) - Vince Russo makes his on-screen debut by poking his arm out into the picture. He says he's gonna take Juventud's pinata (ahh, stereotypes), put a $10K check in it and give sticks to the five luchadors - they can whack each other, they can whack the pinata, and somebody'll get the ten grand. "Beat each other's brains out! Kill each other!"
Backstage, there's Dr. Death Steve Williams...and a Jim Ross
lookalike...AWWW SHIT - they're WALKING - I feel a diatribe coming
New Goldberg T-shirt ad
Creative Control ask a Random Security Dude is Torrie's around. They ask him to relay that the bosses want to see her. Hey, was that Bill Banks?
VILLANO V (no entrance) v. EL DANDY (no entrance) v. PSYCHOSIS (no entrance) v. SILVER KING (no entrance) v. JUVENTUD GUERRERA (no entrance) in a pinata on a pole match - everybody gets sticks - I shit you not - the pinata FALLS OFF THE POLE a whopping SIXTEEN SECONDS into the match - not that anybody (apparently) notices. DR. DEATH STEVE WILLIAMS and NOT JIM ROSS are on the scene, and - nope, that's it. What a FUCKING POINTLESS WASTE. So Russo and Ferrara don't like Jim Ross - great, let's PUT IT ON THE FUCKING NATIONAL STAGE and pretend that it's entertainment. Thinking that SHIT like THIS is going to bring in the viewers and put WCW back on top to stay, make everybody money...I mean, they can't actually BELIEVE this. Hell, at this point I'm ready to believe that they KNOW their asses are gone in a month so they might as well get in every cheap shot they can while they have the keys to the kingdom. It's just *mind-boggling*. Fucking pathetic. Morons. I don't even need to tell you that they just PRETEND the pinata is actually up on the pole this whole time. Nor do I have to tell you that Williams gets in, crotches Guerrera on the top rope (bell rings at 4:20 - how apropos), then destroys pretty much everybody, culminating in stealing the cheque from Silver King and pocketing it. Commentary will go completely ignored - fuck you, WCW. I'm the first guy to harp about Ross' sharp decline in quality but that isn't the same as dressing up a guy to fake Bells Palsy symptoms - that's GOT to be over Bob Ryder's "line," if he EVEN had a spine anymore - Jesus. I swear to God I could quit watching this show right now and not feel like I'm missing a Goddam thing - I have NEVER been so annoyed by this show. Piss on the lucha libre that just MIGHT get the crowd interesting in, you know, WRESTLING, because this is a, you know, WRESTLING company - does NOBODY remember this? If you're unhappy that there's too much wrestling, well, shit, Sherlock, DON'T JOIN A WRESTLING COMPANY. Fucking morons.
You know, the BEST thing is WOW Magazine went and fired all the people that used to submit "straight" Nitro reports for the mighty Franchise - so what are you gonna do? I'm all you've got, baby - deal with the fact that I've ACTUALLY GOTTEN PISSED OFF BY A FUCKIN' TELEVISION SHOW. YOU HAVE TO READ IT.
(You don't HAVE to read it - there are many other fine reports done by many other fine recappers - I don't personally know the links to them, but I'm sure WCW.com has one, at least)
Don Imus sums it up best with "Jesus God almighty."
Okay, I've taken a break and now I'm back. I'm not sure I'll devote ANY amount of energy to the rest of this show, though.
Mike Tenay interview Goldberg backstage. He respects him, but he doesn't give a damn about him. Forget the Powers that Be - he IS the Power.
WCW Grudge Match games - Raven! Steiner! Hogan! Obsolescence!
Mike Tenay interviews Kevin Nash - the makeup and wig are gone. "First off, Schiavone said that the retirement angle was bogus and it was no good - as far as I'm concerned, you know, this place sucked. And I decided I was gonna take some time off until it was fun again - Scott came back, it's fun again." Hey dumbass - who was BOOKING back when that place sucked? Does "Big Poochie" ring a bell? Shit, and they say *I* whine.
COLD BEER v. CURT HENNIG - Backstage, Hennig tries to slam a door on Goldberg during his entrance - then he opens the door and sees that Goldberg's still standing there. Oh boy, they're brawling down a hall! Lookit all that WRESTLING! Two minutes of this, and they're out to the stage. For some reason, Mickey J. decides to ring a bell even though they're nowhere NEAR the ring.
RAW can't start soon enough tonight.
Hennig submits to a legbar so that he didn't get pinned.
match, Hennig decks the ref, Goldberg spears and jackhammers him.|
Kimberly's on the phone with...presumably DDP. She busy establishing that she's not a wrestler. Like anybody on this show is anymore. The lights go out - she panicks - then Hacksaw Jim Duggan appears with a flashlight. Apparently, he's working as an electrician in the Alltel Arena. Riiiiight.
Meanwhile, Creative Control find the Filthy Animals - but they don't know where Torrie is. Creative Control says find Torrie and send her to the boss' office or risk unemployment.
Promotional consideration paid for by Talkin Nitro Arena, Beef and Cheddar from Hot Pockets, Mag-Lite (Ontario!), Singer Asset Finance, and Meatballs with Mozzarella from Hot Pockets
Hacksaw Jim Duggan plays with fuses - Chavo Guerrero walks by and sells him an Amway fuse. This segment is rated TV-14-DLS and features an old WCW logo - WHEN STUPID ANGLES CONVERGE!
(el) VAMPIRO (canadiense) & THE MISFITS v. BYRLYN & THE WALL - "The Wall" is the name of his bodyguard. Hooray. The Misfits aren't wrestlers. Crowd chants "USA" because Vampiro is from Canada and Berlyn is from Germany. Perfect. Although they dominate the match, for no apparent reason Berlyn and the Wall start arguing during the last half of the match. Why? Who knows? Who cares?
Wall pins Vampiro following a
Postmatch, Berlyn works over Vampiro with a chain -
since on Sunday all those guys have a chain match.
Backstage, Creative Control escorts Torrie to the bosses.
Elsewhere, Goldberg is pacing
All those cost-cutting measure and they still pay Jimmy Barron to do Road Reports. Next Monday Nitro is in Auburn Hills - and it'll surely suck
Charlie tells Torrie to put on the ref striped bikini because it's all about the ratings. How many weeks do the ratings have to be in the crapper before they figure out that people don't want to watch this shit?
RICK WOOF WOOF v. SID VISCOUS for the World Television Championship - This fight goes outside the ring a whopping twelve seconds into the match. Fuck you, WCW. Up into the crowd, through the crowd, back over a barricade. There's DJ Ran! Why haven't both men been counted out? Who cares? On the stage. Sid "powerbombs him through the stage." Then he walks off and we take an ad break. I'll be generous and call it (2:45) even though there wasn't a bell, pinfall, and so on.
Local spot sold for SmackDown! hype
When we come back, Steiner is being outfitted with a neck brace. He probably won't come back until he agrees to a pay cut or something.
Here's a replay - here's another. And here's one more. Look at
the "WCW crew" T-shirted folks laughing and looking anywhere but the
stretcher. Classy. Way to sell that angle. Steiner's loaded into an
ambulance - they manage to not tip him over (just barely).
Meanwhile, Mike Tenay interviews Sid Vicious. "The millennium is upon us - and I have 2000 ways to put Mr. Nash back into retirement - the night has just begun, Mr. Tenay - THE NIGHT HAS JUST BEGUN!!"
Elsewhere, Nash tapes up.
And somewhere else, Jerry Flynn is WALKING!
In still another spot, Barbarian is WALKING!
Oh great, they're going to fight down here in the bowels of the building. If we're REALLY lucky there'll be a cheesy "steam pipe" spot. Schiavone: "This is...kinda like WCW's version of the Fight Club!" GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. How about some more tripe from Tony. "I've said it before and I'll say it again - it's all about ratings. It's all about getting fans to watch Monday Nitro. Say what you want to - this has been quite an entertaining WCW Monday Nitro." Yeah, like the fans are gonna tune out RAW to see Jerry FUCKING Flynn trade kicks with the FUCKING BARBARIAN. Flynn apparently wins - he walks away with Barbarian out cold. I think the finisher was a kick of some sort. This "match" lasted about two and a half.
Somewhere else, Asya is WALKING!
"WCW Mayhem: the Music" CD ad
If you really buy tickets Friday for Dayton Beach, Jacksonville, Nitro in Baltimore, Nitro in Houston, and Nitro in Columbus, you seriously need to have your head examined.
Mike Tenay interviews Chris Benoit - who takes on Scott Hall at the top of the hour. Benoit name drops Stu Hart and says his goal to be the best in the business is in reach.
ASYA v. KIMBERLY - Asya comes out to the Revolution's music - Kimberly comes out to "Smells Like Self High Five." Neither of these women wrestle. A derivative of "The Stripper" brings out TORRIE SAMUDA in the zebra bikini. Asya pulls on the bikini strap for all the horny guys in the audience -
then dares Torrie to slap her - so she does. There's a
catfight - Kimberly watches. Torrie taken to the outside. KIDMAN & EDDIE
GUERRERO come out and cover up Torrie - what the
hell is THAT about? NOW
they're worried about Torrie being a slut? Meanwhile, Kimberly tries a
sleeper, Asya throws her off. Kimberly with a choke with a - scarf? Here
comes DAVID SAMMARTINO - ERR,
with his pet crowbar and a striped
shirt. Kimberly takes off while Asya hits a gutshot and sidewalk slam on
Flair. Naturally, Schiavone fails to call the sidewalk slam, or even
acknowledge that a wrestling move has taken place. There's an elbowdrop to
the man ensemble. Asya stands on the throat - David taps. Asya with the
crowbar. What exactly is her beef with Flair again? Before she can
strike, Flair puts up the boots and shoves her back. Vertical suplex!
Flair picks up his crowbar and whacks SHANE DOUGLAS - who just
Flair out through the crowd...the rest of the REVOLUTION is out. YOU tell
ME what just happened. I think I can distill it down to "WCW REALLY SUCKS"
Backstage, some guy delivers flowers to Sting. The card reads "Stinger, Let's talk. Your good friend, the Total Package." Sting fails to tip, telling the delivery guy to tell Pacakge that he's gonna knock his teeth down his throat. He refuses the flowers.
Elsewhere, Package and Elizabeth were watching this on a monitor - Package asks Elizabeth what else she can come up with.
Meanwhile, Goldberg is - DRINKING WATER!
When we come back, Kimberly runs out of the building. David Flair comes into the picture - turns to the camera - and says "It won't be that easy six days from tonight, SWEETHEART!"
We take a look at Groups 3 & 4 - oh yeah, there's a title tournament going on. I guess I forgot because it involves WRESTLING.
SCOTT HALL (with Kevin Nash) v. CHRIS BENOIT in the Title Tourney Group 3 final - Benoit pulls up at the bottom of the ramp and waits - some different music fires up and BRET CLARKE accompanies Benoit to the ring. It took two hours but maybe FINALLY we'll get something approaching wrestling tonight. Toothpick for Benoit - which Hall acts like it's the funniest thing in the world. Benoit gives Hall a double okie blow. I guess I was wrong about the wrestling...Lockup, arm wringer from Hall - patented shoulder drives. Wrenching on the arm, Benoit rolls out, there's an arm drag for Benoit. Everybody back up. Lockup, side headlock from Hall - chain wrestling to the wristlock, paintbrushing him, Benoit with a back elbow to break that. Hall decides he wants the test of strength. Benoit's ready to go for it - and walks right into an eyepoke. Off the ropes, reversed, drop toehold from Benoit - off the ropes, dropkick to the head. Hall takes a powder on the outside. Nash offers some advice. Nash up on the apron - referee "Blind" Nick Patrick lays down the law, or tries to. Back in the ring, Hall hits a gutshot, in the corner, knife-edge chops - Benoit turns it around and hits some better chops. Hall taken off the ropes, into a back elbow. Scoop - and a slam. Off the ropes, elbowdrop misses as Hall rolls out of the way.
Hall up first - picking up
Benoit - off the ropes, Benoit slides under, gutshot, snap suplex. 1, 2,
no. Right hand, knife-edge chop. Off the ropes, reversed into Nash on the
apron with a shot from behind - lariat from Hall - 1, 2, no. Hart walking
over to Nash - who has a crotch chop ready for him. Irish whip out of the
corner, Hall following with a lariat. Benoit falls to the mat. Hall
stomps. Picking him up - right hand to take him down. Placing his neck on
the bottom rope, Hall stands on him. Nash over to Benoit - there's an
elbow. Hall waves to Hart. Hall kicks, again, scoop - fallaway slam.
Cover, 2. Off the ropes, Hall with a sleeper. Benoit to his knees. Crowd
coming alive for Benoit - to Nash's confusion (possibly real). Benoit back
up - backdrop suplex to break the hold! Patrick puts on the count. 4, 5,
Hall covers - 1, 2, no. Hall off the ropes, but Benoit blocks and hits one
of his own. Again "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine." Benoit with a kick
to the gut, again, three, off the ropes, hard lariat, cover, no.
Backbreaker across the knee - another near fall. Off the ropes, dropkick -
Hall to the outside. Benoit's gathering a head of steam - baseball slide
dropkick! Benoit's outside, but Nash is on him in plain sight of the ref.
Well, hell, why don't you DQ him already? Hart is over as Nash picks up
Benoit and puts him on his shoulder. Hart pulls Benoit's feet down and
Benoit shoves Nash into the ringpost. Meanwhile, and while Patrick is
outside to try to break this up, SID
VISCOUS is out and in the ring.
There's a powerbomb for Scott Hall. Benoit to the top - swandive headbutt!
1 - Nash on the apron - Benoit up and Nash down. Hall going into his
tights - he's got the knux wrapped around his fingers - but before he can
take a swing, Benoit has him in the Crippler crossface! Hall taps out!
is the first man to advance to the semis.
Backstage, Goldberg - ENJOYS A BEVERAGE! And watches a monitor...
WCW Mayhem ad - it's SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY - don't pay for it
Mike Tenay interviews Buff Bagwell and the TV-14-DLS ratings box backstage
"WCW Mayhem: the Music" is available in stores tomorrow - break your piggybank
KIDMAN (with Torrie Samuda & the Filthy Animals) v. BRET CLARKE in the Title Tourney Group 1 Final - despite the bat shot he took last week, Hart isn't limping at all. Just for fun, Rey Mysterio Jnr grabs a headset to join the commentators. Sign in the crowd: "I wonder what's happening on RAW" Lockup - to the corner - clean break. Lockup, gutshot, elbow to the back from Hart. Atomic drop - off the ropes, lariat has Kidman spinning. Stomping on the lower abs. Hart headbutt. Backbreaker across the knee. Scoop - Kidman wiggles and Hart falls under him - not even 1. Kidman outside on the apron - there's a shot - Sunset flip coming in, Hart rolls over it and tries to get Kidman in the Sharpshooter - Kidman blocks, so Hart catapults him over the top rope and TO THE FLOOR! Referee "Blind" Mickey J. gets to a high number but Kidman DOES beat the 10 count. Back in the ring, Hart hits several Euro uppercuts.
Whip out of the
corner, reversed, Hart hits sternum first and wanders out to a clothesline
off the ropes - 2 count for Kidman. Both men up - climbing the ropes in
the corner and coming off with a face jam. The OUTSIDERS are out - and
checking out Torrie. Eddie Guerrero and Konnan are over to express
umbrage. Meanwhile, in the ring - Kidman is up on Hart's shoulders...going
for a 'rana (I guess) but Hart stops him in the Liontamer position, then
steps over into a Sharpshooter. I guess a good long match was too much to
hope for...Kidman submits. (3:46) Hart quickly leaves
the ring and walks
off as Hall dives for him. In the ring the Animals and the Outsiders
continue an issue - Hart walks away - and we fade to black for the ad break.
"WCW Mayhem: the Music" ad - again
Sting carries the power of the card - the WCW MasterCard! Including guys who don't wrestle for the company at the moment!
During the Break footage shows Kevin Nash powerbombing Kidman - which is weird, because I didn't think you could powerbomb Kidman. All of the Animals were left laying at the hands of the Outsiders.
In the kitchen, Elizabeth and Total Package are looking for ... brownies? And a helpful caterer just HAPPENS to have a plate of them!
Mike Tenay interviews Jeff Jarrett, who calls him "Slappy." It sorta goes downhill from there. I guess "slapnuts" gets muted again. I don't care, actually.
BUFF IS THE STUFF v. JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with gee-tar) in the Title Tourney Group 4 final - Bagwell looks rather bruised in the pectoral region. Jarrett comes out to non-country music this week - did Creative Control come out to this tune? I wish I cared enough to go back and check. I'm still pretty unhappy about this show, even as this hour's been fairly decent. Jarrett drags Bagwell outside and ... surprise ... they brawl. Just when I started to feel bad about not writing down what's going on, CREATIVE CONTROL walk out and validate me. Bagwell turns to see them, and Jarrett strikes from behind. All over him now. Bagwell manages to turn the tide with a powerslam. Off the ropes with a swinging neckbraker. Setting up for the Blockbuster - already? One of the twins is over - Bagwell off with a hot shot on him as he's on the apron. Strangely, at this moment, referee "Blind" Mark Johnson has turned his back and attended to his shoelaces, which appear to need tying. The other twin has slid the guitar into the ring, but Bagwell hit a gutshot and Jarrett dropped it. Bagwell with a guitar on ... the Creative Control dude - oops. Jarrett hits the Stroke - 1, 2, 3. (2:05) The ref has a big smile on his face - and a HUG for Jarrett - and the conscious member of Creative Control puts the boots to Bagwell. With the other member rousted, a 3-on-1 beatdown is joined in progress - but here's DUSTIN RHODES come out through the crowd and into the ring. Right hand takes down Jarrett. Uranage for a Creative Control - there's a shot for the other one. The ring is cleared. Let's play - BAGWELL'S music! Hands are shaken, and Bagwell poses...
Backstage, Nash paces...
Elsewhere, Goldberg headbutts the Surge machine - HE'S STEALING SODA!
Meanwhile, the Total Package is inserting some Ex-Lax into the brownies...OH MAN THIS'LL BE A HOOT
One more SmackDown! ad
"Earlier Today" interview sees Mike Tenay talk to the Revolution. Shane Douglas doesn't exactly tell us what the "House of Pain" is.
Malenko is ready to talk about the match, but Saturn interrupts to talk
about House of Pain, the rap group - then he jumps around. "C'mon Dean,
jump with me." Saturn is...Chavo?
Our erstwhile delivery boy attempts to deliver a basket of brownies to Sting - Hacksaw Jim Duggan stops him and says HE'LL deliver the brownies to Sting - then he decides that the brownies would be better appreciated by one Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Cue the funny music!
One more spot for "WCW Mayhem: the Music" - it's on sale TUESDAY TUESDAY TUESDAY!! SLAYER!!
DEAN MALENKO & PERRY SATURN (with Shane Douglas & Asya) v. KONNAN & EDDIE GUERRERO in a House of Pain match - apparently the winning team will have shackled the extremities of the losing team to the cage. Saturn has apparently turned "goofy" on us. Write it down somewhere. Shane joins the commentary team. Tony DARES me to quote him one more time when he tells Shane "Yeah, you're like every other mark on the Internet [that] thinks they can announce this thing." You know, Tony, SINCE you brought it up...you fucking moron - when it comes to announcing, SCOTT HUDSON KICKS YOUR ASS. MIKE TENAY KICKS YOUR ASS. BOB FUCKING CAUDLE IS THIS CLOSE TO KICKING YOUR ASS. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand... given the chance, there are about a half dozen people affiliated with this very site that, in their VERY FIRST night EVER on the job of being the lead announcer on Nitro, with NO experience whatsoever, and having NEVER sat in front of a live mic before, COULD KICK YOUR ASS. Shane Douglas, in ten seconds, validates me by announcing circles around Schiavone. The match? Fine. Pier Four Brawl - I'll bet THAT'S a shock. Double Irish whip on Guerrero - double flapjack is stopped as Guerrero grabs the top of the cage, holds on and kicks both men away. Malenko with an axehandle from behind - backbreaker - Saturn off the corner with a kneedrop while Malenko's holding him. Battering ram into the cage! Into the ropes, one arm cuffed. Guerrero fighting back but he's one and they're two. Konnan kept out of the cage. Both arms cuffed and one leg but Konnan is in. Malenko rolls snake eyes. Saturn eats a boot in the gut and a faceplant. back ot the doubleteam, double whip, Konnan ducks and hits a double tumblin' clothesline. Malenko taken off the rope, reversed, leapfrog, but Saturn rams Konnan into the cage wall. Setting him up for a SPIKE piledriver! Didn't look too good, but oh well. Guerrero is finished as the last leg is cuffed. Now to Konnan. One arm, two arm. Both legs are shackled as Shane Douglas enters the cage - referee "Blind" Nick Patrick is quickly dispensed with - as the bell rings (DQ? Did they win? 2:57) RAYMOND STEREO is out and somehow this one guy is gonna take out Douglas, Saturn and Malenko. With Malenko in the appropriate place in the corner - Rey sets up for the broncobuster - forgetting that Asya's around - he EATS a lariat. Now Shane puts the boots to Konnan, rakes the face. Another set of cuffs is hooked to the top of the cage - and Mysterio is hooked by his bad leg to the roof! Saturn and Malenko take turns hitting dropkicks right on the knee - now THAT'S pretty cool. DOUG DILLENGER and security are out as Douglas kicks the back of the knee. The Revolution's music plays - let's take an ad break.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where Bad Things Happend To Rey Rey - Truly This Was the HOUSE OF PAIN - during the break, Eddie Guerrero carried off Rey over his shoulder.
THE NARCISSIST (with Liz) v.
(THIS IS) STING in the title
Group 2 Final - Package is shocked to see Sting
hopping up and down and
feelin' fine. I don't know why - he was watching the monitor when the
FLOWERS were being delivered, why wouldn't he also be watching the monitor
when the BROWNIES are being deliverd? HUH? Shouldn't he have SEEN Duggan
nick the basket like he was Yogi Bear? I mean....WHAT THE FUCK!! Anyway,
Package tries to convince us that his knee is in bad shape - Sting over to
check, then kikcing the back of it just to be sure - again - now Sting
kicking and stomping all over the place. I counted eleven. Pulling him
out of the corner - elbowdrop on the leg. Sting calls to the crowd. Kick,
atomic drop, off the ropes with a clothelsine, another. Call to the crowd
again. Luger pauses for a rest on the commentary table. Sting outside and
still on the knee. Another move we can't really see with the cameras where
they are. Head to the commentary table. Back in the ring. Package begs
off. Ten Punch Count Along. After nine Package takes him to the centre of
the ring for an - atomic drop? Whatever it was, Sting didn't feel it.
There's a clothesline! 1, 2, no! Package to the eyes. Running the face
along the top rope. Kick to the gut. Head to the buckle. Head to the
opposite buckle. Kick, kick, kick, right hand, Sting down to the mat.
Head to the buckle...is blocked. Sting striking back. Backhand, overhand,
clubbing blow, kicking, clubbing, into the corner, STINGER SPLASH! STINGER
SPLASH! Luger collapses. Time for the Scorpion Deathlock....Luger trips
up referee "Blind" Mark Johnson, who falls like a barrow o' bricks. Liz in
the ring - she's got the mace - Sting maced! Luger has Sting up in the
Human Torture Rack! Ref still down - hey! It's
doing the dance - TONGAN DEATH GRIP! Liz is back in the ring...but before
she can mace him, he scares her off. Themonstermeng covers Luger with
Sting, then rousts Johnson - 1, 2, 3!!!! Face turn for Themonstermeng?
Your winner is Sting. (4:08)
At Mayhem, Sting will take on Hart and
Jarrett will take on Benoit. Quick, cut to
A bathroom - the sounds of a man in the throes of...and a great big farty noise. Oh boy! THIS IS WCW! Hacksaw Jim Duggan emerges and then tells the boss he left a present for him...sigh.
Sid is WALKING!
Kevin Nash is also WALKING!
When we come back, Goldberg too is WALKING! Well, during the break he was, anyway...
SID VISCOUS v. KEVIN NASH in an "Anything Goes" Street Fight - they meet in the aisle and it's a ... brawl! Oh boy! A BRAWL! Just what I wanted to see! They're - EXCHANGING PUNCHES! Whoopity-doo! Vicious going OVER THE BARRICADE! Nash STANDING ON HIS THROAT! You can tell it's exciting from all the CAPITAL LETTERS! Back over the barricade - Sid battles back. Let me see if I can keep up with this here. Just for grins. From the time Nash is back over the barricade: rake of the face, kick, kick, kick, kick, right, right, right, right, right, Golota from Nash. Just GRIPPING action. Vicious rolls in the ring - Nash climbs over the top rope to get in the ring. Nash with a right. Knee in the gut, again - I wonder if he'll fram an elbow for the people. There's an elbow. OH BOY! HE'S FRAMING IT! I *LOVE* THAT!!! AND A CROTCH CHOP TOO!!!!!!! Whip into the opposite corner, follow lariat. Sid pops up - Nash clotheslines him over the top rope to the floor - Vicious landing on his feet. Nash back over the top rope to follow. Right, right, right from Sid. Kick, heading for the commentary table - Nash put on top of it. Sid climbing on top of the table. Looping right - double Tomahawk chop from the table to the floor!
Nash uses...soemething attached to the ring...to regain control.
Elbowing away now. Vicious to the jewels. Crowd chanting for Sid, yup.
Twelve matches at Mayhem, lucky us, none will go over ten minutes , right?
Scoop - and a slam. Off the ropes with the legdrop. 1, 2, no! Right
cross from Sid. Stomp. Stomp. OH YES! REAR CHINLOCK! BIG BUTTDROP!!
I'M IN HEAVEN!! Sid spreads Nash's legs and drops one of his own - that
might have hurted. Cover - only 2. Sid FINALLY removes his vest. Kick,
kick, kick, kick, right, right, right, into the corner hard, Nash crumples.
Vicious picks him up, then wrenches down on the arm. Crowd chanting "Cold
beer." Sid to the eyes. Referee "Blind" Mickey J. just told 'em to go
home. Off the ropes, big boot. Sid motioning to the crowd...here's
HALL attacking Sid from behind - stomping away
now. Nash laying in with
rights. Crowd chanting for Goldberg some more. Hall choking Vicious on
the second rope. Nash off the rope with the Bossman straddle. Here's
BEER...to help Sid?!? Double spear! J. rings the
bell for no apparent
reason (no contest - fuck you -
7:45) - Vicious is up - spinning Goldberg around,
punch to the heart, another, now they're trading blows...Goldberg blocks a
punch - got him on his shoulder - and slams him down. Vicious pops up and
hits a Golota on Goldberg. Now outside - he's got a
comes out...punching away, clotheslining Vicious
out of the ring. Tending
to his best friend Goldberg - and not at all carrying any memory of the
time he had Goldberg spear him when he was wearing that metal plate around
his stomach...Hart and Goldberg stand as Goldberg's theme plays...and we're