/29 November 1999
HE SAID IT:
I can't wait for him to do it again. It's hilarious. The
first time he did it, I laughed so hard I nearly threw up four beers and a
tuna sandwich. - Mark Madden, proving that if you drink enough,
ANYTHING can be funny - and also, he's a lightweight when it comes to
QUICK QUOTES: TWX 62 3/8 (+ 1/8), SPLN 48 1/16 (+ 2 1/16)
I GET LETTERS: Frequent contributor Bethebunny offers: Hey, I noticed in a recent column you mentioned that you really like Bret Hart's theme song. I thought I'd help you out by transcribing it for you:
Bwuggha chuggah bwuucha *squeakbwzzzuah*
Bwiiiiiiiiii dhhhhhhnaaah dhhhhaaaan naa
"Me, I'm Bret the Hitman Hart You know, your kids are pretty safe if they're watching The Hitman on Saturday Morning. I put out a pretty wholesome message. The Hitman stands for believing in yourself, doing what's right, and to never quit.
Jim Ross: "1...2...Whadda ya have to do to beat this man?"
Glad I could hel....SHIT! Chris, when I put *Chugga bwuucha* up there, I meant to put *Chugga bw-ee-cha*. Sorry. Email me back and I'll retype it correctly for you.
AWARDS: Your last chance to vote in the rec.sport.pro-wrestling Year-End Awards is THIS WEEK! Get over to rec.sport.pro-wrestling.info and get the skinny!
Three bells: In Memory Of Hiro Matsuda 1937-1999
Opening credits - TV-14-DLS logo
FIREWORKS AND FLAMES AND LIVENESS pervade because WE ARE LIVE from the Pepsi Center in Denver, CO 29.11.99 and broadcast on TNT and also closed captioned AND
From the dressing room to the ring we kick off tonight's show with COLD BEER in street clothes - he must have something to say! Entrance takes about three minutes. "Here we are again, Denver. The Outsiders. [boo!] Scott Hall and Kevin Nash. [boo] I know you guys are in the back, sittin' by that TV watchin' and listenin' to every word that I'm sayin'. Well I want you to listen to this. Do I look like the kinda guy to mess around with? I'm NOT. But! Week after week, you bring your high school butts out here and you try to entertain the people with a little bit of comedy. Not tonight - not tonight. Last time I saw you two in the ring, I felt a little chair in the back. I kinda liked it! I am in this ring tonight, and I am in Denver tonight, to put a stop...to put a stop to your little childish games. This ain't no playground - to me, when I step through that curatin, this is MY world*. And I don't play around. I don't make threats, I'm just the bearer of a little bit of reality to what's gonna happen. So Scott Hall, you bring your ass near this ring, when I'm kickin' your partner Kevin Nash around tonight, I'm gonna show you what a little heavy metal's all about. Kevin Nash, I only got two words for you, my friend - YOU'RE NEXT!" *(and my security) The cry of the Wolfpack plays over the PA and, as if on cue, the OUTSIDERS appear in the entryway. Hall is wearing both belts again - both men smarm and wave to Goldberg, who is removing his shirt. Hall sputters out "Hey yo. Hey, Billy boy! Ya sound really really upset - you're really serious tonight - so the Outsiders are here to bring that comedy that you were referring to, 'cause I gotta admit, last week when I wrapped that chair around your head, it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen." "You know Bill, you said you had two words for me - well we got five words for you..." "Don't sing it - bring it." The Outsiders advance on the ring - wow, lookit that tech guy SPRINT behind them - sorry dude, you still made it in the shot. Hall's belts are off - the Outsiders are on opposite aprons - but some familiar music plays - and I am cursed to once again transcribe the musings of SID VISCOUS because he gets more requests than anybody of the folks who matter to me... "Hey! Yo! Outsiders! It ain't gonna be that simple, because there's a new babyface in town, and his name is Sid Vicious!" and now there's a Pier Four Brawl, I don't know about you, but this is shocking MY world. Bring on the security! Separate these four men! Why is everyone laughing and smiling? Ah, hell, let's just play Goldberg's music. Goldberg and Sid share a hi-five and then hug. Awwwww.
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE & BOBBY HEENAN. I gotta like that sweet red jacket Brain's sporting. Tonight we have a triple main event! Goldberg takes on Nash! Hall defends two titles against Sid Vicious AND Bret Hart puts the gold on the line against - Meng? Tony says furthermore, all three matches MUST have a winner, pinfall or submission, so stamp "no DQ" on all three of those. Screw that, I want some gimmicks! Also, Sting, Jeff Jarrett and Chris Benoit for the #1 Contendership for the World title after Starrcade - Roddy Piper will referee! Dr. Death Steve Williams and Jerry Only will - wrestle? - in a STEEL cage! And...get ready...there's some GRAVY! Err, I mean MUD! And the Nitro Grrls will be involved...
Looking outside, it's Piper getting out of his limo at the same time that ...hey, ain't that Bertha Faye? Well, a coupla large women getting out of a rent-a-car. Piper sings "Moon River" even though both asses are fully clothed. Must be his CATARACTS.
Meanwhile, the Total Package is WALKING!
Here's a Special Video Look at Sting - because "Seek & Destroy" is one of the two decent tracks on WCW Mayhem: the Music! Steal your copy NOW!
Closed captioning where available brought to you by Toy Biz Tuff
Talkin' Wrestlers - "They're Realy Talking To Each Other!"
Von Krus and Non-Von Krus are on the cel with Tony Prego - they promise to take care of the Disco Inferno and Lash LeRoux. We are promised that this'll take up most of the three hours tonight
BUFF IS THE STUFF & BOOKA T. v. CREATIVE CONTROL (with Curt Hennig) for the tag team titles - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week Where Curt Hennig turned on Buff Bagwell and hit the reset button on the retirement angle. Faces get separate entrances. Hennig looks like a slightly-less-well-dressed Mr. Perfect circa 1992. Wow! New ring aprons! THIS IS A NEW DAY! Bagwell and Gerald start. Gerald takes him down with powerful blows. Off the ropes, duck, crossbody, dropkick, windmill pose, bird flipped. Gerald tags to Gerald. Buff tags to T. Lockup - no, kick, right, right, into the corner, elbow up, Harlem sidekick. elbow, whip, reversal, blind kick, forearm to take him down. Into the unfriendly corner, and referee "Blind" Billy Silverman is missing all this trying to keep Bagwell in his corner. Waistlock, up and over into the slam. Gerald comes in - on him, off the ropes, head down, kick, kick, axe kick off the ropes, tag to Gerald, hot tag to Bagwell! Dropkick, kick, gutshot, swinging neckbreaker, swinging neckbreaker, does it matter who gets what? 1, 2, save. Booker T. in and it's all four men in. Gerald goes outside while Gerald and Booker T. collide in the centre of the ring - Bagwell in position - Hennig and Silverman arguing so following the Blockbuster, Gerald comes in with a STEEL chair and WHACKS Bagwell, then thanks to the old switcheroo, Silverman turns around to see Gerald covering Bagwell - 1, 2, 3. (3:45) A 3-on-2 beatdown is on because we need an excuse for that psychic lights guy to turn them off, the psychic sound guy to toll the gong, and when it comes up, there's MYDNYTE come in to dropkick and dropkick and I've said it before, but it bears repeating - if she'd just come out FROM THE START, maybe Booker T. would WIN a few matches instead of constantly getting beaten down and stuff...
In the offices of Charlie, Juventud Guerrera appears. Charlie says if Guerrera can take the IWGP light heavyweight title from Jushin Liger (!) tonight, he'll fix all his visa problems.
Meanwhile, Liz is on the phone - Total Package appears with "breach of contract" papers - she'll pay for fawning over Sting. Liz says she'll do anything to straighten out this mess. Package says "Anything? Hmm...let me think about that..."
Elsewhere, Roddy Piper waits in the "Powers To Be" office. Mentally, he counts his money.
At the Hall of Justice...that's Leilani Kai and Bertha Faye, right? Anyway, they go over what they're gonna wear tonight. Oh PLEASE let's get them in the mud.
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (Who's that guy in the straitjacket - he looks so familiar...), WCW Tuff Talkin' Wrestlers, America (ha!) Online, Stetson cologne for men, and the Mag-Lite flashlight (a product of Ontario!)
THUNDER! ad -
that show still on?
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by 1-800-COLLECT - call someone who cares!
A delivery guy is WALKING! And delivering a bouquet of flowers to "Symphony." "My dear Symphony, tonight will be a night you will never forget. The next note in this contata of love will soon follow. Signed, your Maestro." Next.
MIKE TENAY interviews JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET, who is the Chosen One...to exclusively use the word "Slapnuts" and swing the gee-tar. Tenay implies that Jarrett's fallen out of favour with the Powers that Be - and Jarrett cracks a gee-tar over his head. Golly!
"Oh my God! Th--th--ohh! Fans, I---I---the'hell?" - Tony
NASTY BRIAN KNOBS is out. "SHUT THE MUSIC UP AND SHUT UP! YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACH? CAN I HONESTLY TELL YA WHAT MAKES ME WANNA PUKE MY GUTS OUT? IT'S THE FACT THAT I LOST TO A WOMAN AT MAYHEM FOR THE WCW HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP! THAT'S RIGHT - I LOST TO SCREAMING NORMAN SMILEY! BUT IT'S FAR FROM OVER! I'M A HARDCORE SOLDIER OF WAR - AND NORMAN, I KNOW YOU'RE BACK THERE - AND IF YOU HAVE A SET - WHICH YOU DON'T - YOU'D GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE AND FIGHT ME - RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!" Norman, who is watching backstage, says to nobody in particular "I can't fight him - I don't have my stuff!" Then he screams and hides under a table because Fit Finlay came walking by with a bag full of goodies. Say, there's FIT FINLAY now. Finlay takes two kendo sticks from his back and tosses one to Knobs - then he tosses the other one away - Knobs strikes - Finlay catches it and decks Knobs. They're trading blows. Eyepoke from Finlay - kendo stick to the body! Stick, stick. What else has he got! He drops the bad leg on Knobs! Now he's got...scissors! He's cutting Knobs' hair! Now he's SHAVING him! Well, he's trying to, anyway...man, Finlay's just the BADDEST mofo on Earth. Another shot with the stick! "He wants to be a soldier? He'll look like a soldier!" Finlay puts the boots to his head...
Meanwhile, Von and non-Von - no, Big Vito and Johnny the Bull talk about food. They come upon GENE O. and invite him out for a night on the town. Gene was the only interviewer left in the building, but... "what the hell, you only live once!" and they take off.
Charlie chews out Creative Control - and Curt chimes in as well. After saying how he'd have had no problem in that same situation with Midnight, Charlie is inspired to book a match with Hennig and Midnight later tonight...
The New Year's Evil Match of the Week last week was Vampiro defeating the Wall by DQ - winners were some guy from someplace, and some women from some other place. Whew, that's over!
WCW Grudge Match is hilarious in its obsolescence.
WCW Mayhem: The Music spot
Another look at those two women...
Another look at Piper...he's enjoying a refreshing can of Surge
JUSHIN THUNDER LIGER (no entrance) v. NEVER SURRENDER JUVENTUD GUERRERA (no entrance) for the IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Championship - hey, you think we should talk about this match? No way! BUZZKILL is here! And he's got a SIGN!
This reminds me of something Vince Russo once said:
You will never ever, ever, ever, ever see the Japanese wrestler or the
Mexican wrestler over in American mainstream wrestling. And the simple
reason for that is, even myself, I'm an American, and I don't want to
sound like a big bigot or a racist or anything like that, but I'm an
American ... if I'm watching wrestling here in America, I don't give a
shit about a Japanese guy. I don't give a shit about a Mexican guy. I'm
from America, and that's what I want to see.
Finish comes when Brad Armstrong - err, Buzzkill - distracts referee
"Blind" Johnny Boone with his sign while Guerrera procures a bottle of
tequila, which he shatters over Liger's head to secure the pinfall. This
isn't exactly the Liger *I* remember. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new
Jr. Heavyweight champion of the world. (5:32) Tune in next week,
when we'll find a way to put the belt on Madusa.
CHAVO GUERRERO is backstage in the role of interviewer. He interviews Dr. Death and Oklahoma, who have words for Jerry Only - tonight in the STEEL cage.
Meanwhile, another delivery. Candy is delievered to Symphony - "Sweets for my sweet - tonight YOU will be the cherry on top of my cake - forever yours, the Maestro."
Elsewhere, Sid paces and mutters
Nitro Girls 2000 calendar ad
Vito and Johnny and Gene are at a gentlemen's club - they'll have plenty of time to get Disco Inferno later - it IS a three hour show, after all
Chavo interviews the Outsiders - tonight Hall takes on Sid for the US title - when's he gonna start defending the TV title? "Kev, what is the DEAL with this TV belt anyway, man? I get no free TV dinners - I didn't get to meet Ted Turner - I meet no TV stars - I mean, this piece of tin is useless!" So they set up a trashcan and play a little basketball. And then ... they PULL DOWN THEIR PANTS AND PISS ON THE WORLD TELEVISION TITLE! Well, actually they didn't, but really, is it any different? Is a "fuck you" in order? Why, I believe it is!
The REVOLUTION are out with American flag - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week's Flag Match - now let's listen to Shane Douglas: "First of all, let me start by saying that Operation Roadkill was a huge success. As you can see tonight, the Filthy Animals are no more. Konnan and Mysterio are nursing themselves back to health in hospital beds thanks to the Revolution. Kidman and Guerrero - well, let's just say they'll be on a different cable channel tonight, fighting out their love triangle on "Love Connection." Haha. You see, you morons - we worked it from the inside, and those stinking, dumbass Filthy Animals NEVER knew what hit 'em. Last week, we damn near set the world on fire. What pissed us off was that you stinking fans cheered a freakin' foreigner - a lowly Canadian - when he won a piece of American gold. The next night, you stupid asses BOOED the four greatest athletes in the United States today - the Revolution. It's your fault! It's your fault! It's your damn stinkin' fault!" Malenko takes the mic and bemoans the Americans booing him and cheering a lowly stinkin' Canadian. "Love it or leave it - and tonight, the Revolution will leave it - and on that note - the Revolution declares themselves a sovereign nation unto ourselves, and with that, we take on a new identity and do away with the stinkin' rotten country of what you call - [spit] - America." They're standing on the Stars & Stripes. Malenko declares himself "the Python," Douglas "the Rattler," Asya "the Boa," and Saturn...Saturn takes the mic and proclaims himself "Trouser...yeah, the most sought-after snake in the world! Hey, you people wanted a Revolution! Well you got it! Tonight we start making a sad song better!" A familiar theme starts up and out walks HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN with 2x4 in hand. He's got their snake right here - America - the land of the free and the home of the brave. Umm, what? He's gonna shove that 2x4 where the sun don't shine,
tough guy! Hooooo! Duggan breaks it over
Saturn (that or it's a piece of foam) and rushes the ring. Asya DARES
Duggan to hit her - before he does - Malenko grabs it and as they tussle
over it, you can actually see the piece of "wood" TWIST. That's pretty
feeble, there. Malenko at least decides the flagpole would like a little
more painful. Then they plant the flag in Duggan's nether regions and
strike a memorable pose. Here's CHRIS
BENOIT sprinting to the ring and
clearing it out. HE'S GOT THE FOAM!
Sid Vicious - IS - WALKING!
The Outsiders are also WALKING!
Charlie tells Creative Control that it's showtime (wait, wasn't that Sting's line?) "Bring me Piper."
Chavo narrates over the TV-14-DLS ratings box, then interviews Lightningfoot Jerry Flynn, who runs down the concept of "the Block." I guess that makes him a Block-head...hahahahahahahahahahaha
Hennig knocks on Piper's door - it's time - Piper says he's got a bit of a cramp and he needs to take a Vince Russo - he'll be by when he's good and ready
If Chavo REALLY had a brain, he'd rescue the World Television title and defend it instead of putting on a suit and screaming "555-DEAL" every other segment...but that's just me
SCOTT HALL v. SID VISCOUS for the United States Heavyweight Championship in a "no DQ" match - Hall strikes before the bell as Nash takes third headset, oh joy! Off the ropes, big boot from Vicious. Hall up, Hall down. Off the ropes, big boot again. Right, right, right, right, Vicious charges with a boot in the chest. Kick, clubbin' forearm. Boot to the head. Hall manages an eyepoke. Right, right, into the corner with a followup lariat. Fallaway slam! Yow! Looks like thassit. In position - going for the Outsider Edge - but Sid falls over onto his feet, turns around and catches Hall in a choke - Hall elbows out referee "Blind" Charles Robinson. Chokeslam - got him in position for the powebromb - got it! Nash is in the ring - over the top rope - elbowdrop finds HALL - Sid with a foot to Nash's face. But before he can poweromb Kevin Nash - JEDOBULEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET is out with a gee-tar - WHACK on Vicious. Hall placed on top...rousting Robinson - 1, 2, 3. (2:59) COLD BEER is out - spear for Jarrett! The Outsiders scatter as Jarrett gets jackhammered. Goldberg picks up Sid and they share a tender moment.
Creative Control and Curt Hennig escort Roddy Piper, who WALKS very slowly, rants and raves, and continues to say "Powers to Be."
Meanwhile, Dr. Death and Oklahoma talk about Oklahoma. Boomer Sooner!
Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Talkin' Nitro Arena, Judge Wapner's cash scam, Stetson Again, and America (again!) Online!
Back at the gentlemen's club - say, do they often let cameras in
there? Gene O. is raising the roof and wearing his tie like a bandana.
Meanwhile, Piper is in Charlie's office. Piper's assignment tonight is to referee a mud wrestling match between the two women we've been watching all night. Piper thinks about not complying, then does.
Fyre and Storm have a wardrobe squabble and a food fight breaks out. Take a drink every time someone says "your mother." Whoops, they're laughing again. Security breaks it up. Somewhere in here, the view focuses on another woman, who was watch this and apparently started choking after laughing at what was going on while eating at the same time. Anyway, Juventud Guerrera happens by and works a Heimlich manoeuvre. Then asks for an ambulance really loudly.
Rather than worry about this possible expiration of a life, Tony and Bobby chuckle a bit.
JERRY ONLY (with Vampiro & the other Misfits) v. DR. DEATH STEVE WILLIAMS (with Oklahoma and two bottles of BBQ sauce) within the confines of a STEEL cage - One of these guys isn't a wrestler. One of these guys used to be a wrestler. Oklahoma, who does some commentary, ends up in the hands of the Misfits and Vampiro, who douse him in BBQ sauce, then put his gut on display - ewww. Anywho, Williams whips Only into the corner that the door is in, so he falls through and out to win. (2:38) The other Misfits cuff the door closed to keep Williams away. Hey, lookit the production assistant giving hand cues to Tony!
Back in Charlie's office, Juventud Guerrera says one of the women is unable to compete - she was choking - but he saved her life with mouth-to-mouth. "You gave that wildebeest mouth-to-mouth? You disgust me, get outta here! Now what, guys?"
Fortunately, elsewhere in the building, the Total Package is watching this
WWF RAW is WAR comes to San Jose 14 February! Tix on sale SATURDAY at 10am!
Jimmy Barron phones in the 1-800-CALL-ATT Road Report - next week's Nitro
Chavo interviews Bret Hart, who tries to sell us on the fact that Meng has a snowball's chance in hell of taking the title tonight.
THEMONSTERMENG v. BRET
CLARKE for the World Heavyweight
Championship in a "no DQ" match - Let Us Take You
Back to Mayhem where
Themonstermeng defeated the Total Package - and the next night's Nitro,
which saw Sting go down at the hands of the Tongan Death Grip. Anybody
notice that Hart never has anything bad to say about a federation he holds
the World title in? I bet he gets a little more vocal after the belt's
off of him...well, what do YOU think? Collar and elbow tieup, into the
corner - clean break - Meng lunges, Hart ducks, then punches away. Meng
absorbs all this and reverses it - fists of fire and fury and Hart!
Standing on the neck. Elbow takes down Hart. Off the ropes with a
shoulderblock. Headbutt. Hart buries rights in the gut - to the head -
that don't work - another - Meng with a karate strike. Kicks. Short
chop. Choke on the second rope. "Let's go Bret" chant - sorta. Meng
takes Hart's head to the top turnbuckle. Into the opposite corner,
followup lariat. Backhanded chop takes Hart to the canvas - cover - no.
In place for the PILEDRIVER! 1, 2, kickout. Meng knows the piledriver?!?
Heh! Scoop - and a shoulderbreaker! 1, 2, kickout! European forearm.
Double chop! Double chop! Heenan's a racist! Headbutt! Off the ropes -
SENTON ATTEMPT?!? But Hart rolls out of the way. Hart headbutts the
lower abdomen between the legs. Hart takes him off the ropes, and buries
a right in the gut. Side Russian legsweep. Second rope elbowdrop. 1, 2,
nope. Crowd is booing - must be somebody down here. Ahh, it's
as Hart kidney punches him. Meng from behind - Hart (allegedly) throats
him on the top rope - but before he can put the Sharpshooter on, Hall is
in the ring. Meng kicks away from the attempt and Hart and referee
"Blind" Nick Patrick collide. Oh, KEVIN NASH is out too -
it's no DQ, why bother to KO the referee? Meng grabs Hall and chops him
down - now he's donig the dance - TONGAN DEATH GRIP! Nash in the ring now
(over the top rope) - he's got a kendo stick - repeated blows with the
stick - Meng shaking them off - now Meng IS going down - on the canvas.
Nash chops his crotch for our benefit. Hall with a few extra shots. Now
Nash has him in position for the Truckstopbomb. Patrick is still groggy -
Outsiders leave the ring and Hart apparently has no idea what's going on.
CHRIS BENOIT is
out - he's got the stick and he's breaking it over Hall
and Nash. ("Hey! Taking stick shots isn't in my contract!") Hart,
meanwhile, is in the ring and putting the Sharpshooter on an unconscious
Meng. Patrick gets no response from Meng and calls for the bell.
A knock at Symphony's door - it's a bear! "My muse, you and I will soon make our beautful music - I'll see you in our special place in less than thirty minutes." Hey, you know what would be funny? If she'd gone off with the delivery guy!
Total Package asks to see the man - he's got an idea - and it's all about ratings...
See WCW live this week in Vail, Lincoln, Topeka for THUNDER!, Salina, and this Friday tix on sale for Beaumont and Utica!
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro LIVE on TNT is brought to you by Wrangler - Three. Word. Slogan.
Chavo has caught up with Nitro Grrl Tygress. She says unkind things about Spice. Then Spice shows up with a shredded costume. Somehow a scuffle ends up in a bathroom and Spice throws her in a shower and turns on the cold water. Hey I can see her underwear!
Elsewhere, the all-seeing eye of the WCW cameraman has caught up with Evan Karagias and Madusa, who are making out on a sofa with only the dim glow of a television - Madusa says she'd like a title shot at Starrcade. Evan says no problem. Madusa turns out the lights...thank GOD
Total Package gets his audience with Charlie - he says he'd be happy to substitute Elizabeth in the mud wrestling match with "the behemoth."
Chavo stands with Sting, who is interrupted by a desperate Elizabeth.
"What do I do?" "I'm sure you'll figure out something. See ya,
Lizzie - good luck!"
So help me out here - they cut short that CAT-BO angle for 555-DEAL?
CHRIS BENOIT (with lasers) v. JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with his third gee-tar of the night) v. (THIS IS) STING for the first title shot after Starrcade - but first, this ad break.
When we come back, the bell rings - Benoit, on the apron, threatens Jarrett on the floor - Sting pushes him to the floor. Jarrett from behind on Sting. After he takes him out, Benoit is back in with knife-edge chops. Off the ropes, reversed, slides under, leg caught, gutshot, snap suplex by Benoit, Sting in and pulls away Benoit. Jarrett on Sting, whip reversed, clothesline, cloteshline, cover, Benoit pulls him off, kick, kick, double whip of Jarrett, double shoulderblock, Benoit tries an inside cradle on Sting for 2, they have words but Jarrett knocks them both down. Whew! Back elbow on Benoit. Uppercuts for Sting. Into the opposite corner, reverse, Jarrett puts up an elbow - top rope plancha for 2 - Sting kicks out and Benoit's elbowdrop finds nothing. Jarrett on Benoit - into the corner, flips out, chop, Sting clotheslines after Jarrett ducks one from Benoit. Jarrett is the pinball between Benoit and Sting. Benoit has him in the corner, kicking away - Sting with a Stinger splash that hits Benoit when Jarrett ducks out. Uppercut to Sting by Jarrett. Benoit off the ropes, gutshot, the Stroke - countered into a Crippler crossface! Sting to the eyes - off the ropes, clothesline on Benoit. LIZ bounds out and *pleads* with Sting - Sting can't be bothered. TOTAL PACKAGE is out with a STEEL chair - WHACK on Sting. Jarrett has his gee-tar - KABONG on Benoit. Referee "Blind" Billy Silverman has somehow missed all of this - including DUSTIN RHODES come in with the bell - and there's a waffle on Jarrett - Benoit placed on top. 1, 2, 3. (3:51)
In the gentlemen's club, the Doublemint twins hook up with the Italian Stallions - while Gene O. dances and gives a reading of "Mustang Sally" for us.
Kevin Nash and a can of Surge - are - WALKING!
Starrcade is 19 December!
Symphony has caught up with the Maestro - oh, but it's David Flair in a funny wig and cape. "Why isn't it playing?" as he whacks at the keyless keyboard with his tire arn. He forces her to open the piano, where we see the Maestro. Then she screams.
"David Flair is completely out of control, and he has apparently
lured the beautiful Symphony, and bound and gagged the Maestro...Kevin
Nash comes out for his rubber match, so to speak with Goldberg!"
KEVIN NASH (with TV-14-DLS ratings box) v. COLD BEER - back at Goldberg's dressing room, Scott Hall tries to get a dump on Goldberg, but for the first time EVER, Goldberg is not in his dressing room, so he's on Hall and fighting away. Apparently, Nash can see this on the big screen so he's on his way back. Apparently (2), Hall locked the door of Sid Vicious from the outside - so until he knocks down the door - whoops, spake too soon did eye. Anyway, Sid joins the Outsiders and Goldberg in a Pier Four Brawl backstage - crazy, there's a TV there showing the same thing! Now they're on the other side of the curtain. They're dangerously close to the mud...Vicious and Hall at ringside now, Nash and Goldberg coming down the aisle but stopping for the occasional barricade shot. Nash and Goldberg make it to the ring and referee "Blind" Johnny Boone rings the opening bell. Hall's got a chair - WHACK on Sid - in the ring - WHACK on Boone - WHACK on Goldberg. Goldberg tries to shake it off - Hall hits him again. Vicious back in the ring - now BRET CLARKE is out - he's got the chair - chases off Hart. WHACK for Nash. Sid with a right hand. Goldberg SPEAR! Another shot to take Hall out. Time now for a jackhammer for Nash - referee "Blind" Mickey J. is out - 1, 2, 3. (1:48)
Roddy Piper is WALKING! And RAVING!
Castrol GTX provides a replay of Hall locking Sid's door and knocking on Goldberg's - but Goldberg wasn't in his dressing room - later, Sid kicked down his door. The brawl REALLY got wild - well, that's what they said anyway. There's the jackhammer again.
Chavo gets cut his 555-DEAL cut off by the Outsiders - Nash says he the Outsiders wants Sid and Goldberg in that cage at the end of the night. Whew! For a minute there, I thought we were fresh out of main events!
ROWDY RODDY PIPER comes out for his referee detail. CREATIVE CONTROL come out to their own music - to watch over Piper?
RHONDA SINGH v. LIZ in a mud wrestling match - Singh, who was previously known as Rhonda Singh before shacking up with Harvey Wippleman in the WWF as Bertha Faye, comes out to a variation on David Rose's "The Stripper," last heard for Sunny, of course. Backstage, as the Total Package's music plays, Liz flat out refuses to go out and take part in that match. Package asks if she knwos the meaning of the word 'breach,' then helpfully spells it for her - "B-R-E-C-H." "Who do you think you're going?" Back to the mud - Singh pulls piper into the mud. Splash misses. Singh slaps Piper. And again. Creative Control yukking it up on the outside. Piper with a drop toehold into the mud - now he's riding her and slapping her in the patootie! Then Piper grabs Gerald #1 and #2 and puts them in the mud! Now all four of them roll around. Crowd chants "Rowdy!" Piper counts a pin on somebody...his music plays, so maybe it was him. I didn't hear either bell on this one, so no time for you.
Vito and Johnny are ready to cook a good Italian meal for the two
ladies. They're cooking spaghetti! With the sauce! And the garlic and
the onions! This is so - *ethnic*!
Meanwhile, Arn Anderson - ARN ANDERSON - IS - IS - ... - WALKING!!!
WCW Magazine ad
WCW Mayhem: the Music ad
"Sting: Back in Black" and "Sid Vicious: The Millennium Man" are the two latest titles from the WCW Superstar Series. Also, the Nitro Girls Swimsuit Calendar Special is now available in video form! Zowie!
A mud-laden Creative Control take their lumps from Charlie. "What are you guys, Laurel and Hardy? What is this, a circus I'm running over here?" Arn Anderson walks in and asks what the deal is with his firing. "The last ten years - every guy that's taken that seat right there has thought that everybody else in this company is crap on his shoe - well that don't apply to me!" Hennig says the last time they conducted business, it was about a spot - well, this is his spot now - hit the bricks.
Chavo interviews Nitro Grrl Sky, who disses Spice and her hussy friends. One of her hussy friends, Nitro Grrl Chae, just happens to walk by and a fairly lame catfight ensues.
LIGHTNINGFOOT JERRY FLYNN v. THE WALL in the Block - now lovingly rendered in 15 frames per second-o-vision! Back where I come from, we call this a "Boiler Room Brawl." Crowd is ... booing? But this is TREMENDOUS ACTION! Not that I can be bothered to describe it to any of you. Let's just say one guy punches and kicks, and then the other guy punches and kicks. Repeat a few times. Crowd booing louder. Now for added excitment, Berlyn appears with a lead pipe and waffles Flynn with it. Berlyn talking to his man in English?? Wall grabs the pipe and makes a face at Berlyn - now he's after him. Well, it's about (5:00) - whatever it was...
Chavo catches up with Roddy Piper. "Based on your, uh, first match as a WCW referee, I can tell you're not afraid to get down and dirty." "Oh, aren't we a funny one. You know something, kid, I fought your daddy. I fought your GRAMPA Gorry Guerrero! They had GUTS! They didn't squirm like a worm from these Powers to Be! I'm fighting 'em - I don't give a damn what anybody else says! I just threw the two goons with the condoms on their heads right in the mud! Yeah I'm down and dirty - it ain't always gonna go my way - but at the end of the day - it's gonna be me! Why don't you stand up for yourself? Why are you selling something on the air- what is it, dial a meal - meal a deal - what is your major malfunction? What is everybody's problem? What is the fear factor here?" "I'm making money at this thing now--" "Oh, you're making money.." The Outsiders walk by and Piper takes some swings at them. Security tries to restrain Piper, who lets fly with "Get away from me, you sons of bitches!" Pity the poor men who end up getting second-hand mud all over them....
Curt Hennig is WALKING! Curly Bill catches up with him and asks him for a job. Curt says he's always taken care of him in the past - after this match, they'll talk...
Charlie has some words for the Total Package. Creative Control has
cleaned up and put on some new suits. Package says he'll guarantee that
before the night is over, Elizabeth will be covered head to toe in mud.
So it's a Package/Elizabeth mud match. Won't they eventually run out of
time if they keep making these matches?
MIDNIGHT v. CURT HENNIG - Technically, should she be called "1am" since the gong only tolls once instead of twelve times? Maybe I'll start calling her that. Lockup, side headlock from Hennig, hiplock - Midnight with a head scissors, Hennig out, Midnight nips up. Lockup, side headlock, Hennig power out, up and over - collision in the ring. Lockup, side headlock by Hennig, Midngiht power out, leapfrog, right hand, gutshot, snap suplex - floatover - everybody up. She's on him - he takes her to the top turnbuckle. Something's muted here. Chop! Open-handed slap! Again! Hennig with the badmouth - slap! Snapmared her over. Hairpull. Knife-edge chop. Schoop - and a slam. The straps are coming down! Hennig swaggering - abdominal stretch - he's hittin' her in the booby! Now the lights are out...hmmm...when they come back up....STEVIE RAY stands in the ring behind Hennig in street clothes, and attacks him (DQ 2:59). Punches - off the ropes with a kick. The lights go out again (if I were the Powers That Be, I'd fire that lights guy) and when they're back up - it's CURLY BILL attacking Stevie Ray - doubleteam is on - lights go out AGAIN (damn did this get old fast or WHAT?) and this time - it's ARN ANDERSON! Hennig and Curly Bill get taken out. The IV Horsemen music - which I haven't heard for over a year - plays over the PA and Ray, Midnight and Anderson put their hands together...
Meanwhile, Total Package has Elizabeth over his shoulder...time to keep his promises...!
WCW Mayhem: The Music - in stores now! I think someone's suppsed to be doing a voiceover here... oh well
Here's that Sting video again - Seek & Destroy!
The Italians serve their spaghetti and meatballs - but the women want an appetizer - which in this case means tying them to a bed with neckties. Can you wait for the payoff? The girls walk off - and Disco Inferno and Lash LeRoux appear, then dump the spaghetti and sauce on Vito and Johnny. Disco Inferno places a phone call, but I really couldn't hear what he said as everybody was doing a lot of shouting.
Hey look! It's LARRY
WALKER! I *swear* he looks like "What the
hell did I just watch?"
THE NARCISSIST still has LIZ over his shoulder - damn it must have been a long walk backstage to get from where they were to where they are now! Liz with an open-handed slap! Before she can do it again - Lex grabs her and throws her in the mud. CLEAVAGE! Jacket is off - Package grabs a bucket of mud and dumps it over Elizabeth. Shoes and socks are off - but before he can do more - (THIS IS) STING is out and shoving Package into the mud. Then he goes ahead and throws his shoes in there as well. Heenan: "Talk about your chuckle factory, huh?" Sting tries on the jacket - hmmm, nice fit! Sting decides to go ahead and chuck that into the mud as well. Liz manages to get out of the mud - then promptly takes a pratfall on the stage. Now trying to walk - good luck - Sting comes back to help her...
Hey look, Bret Hart and Chris Benoit - and they're WALKING!
Hey look, the Outsiders - and they're WALKING!
Hey look, Sid Vicious and Goldberg - and they're WALKING!
Another look at Vito and Johnny - "Hey Vito - you think the boss is gonna be mad at me for this one?" God DAMN that cameraman is a cruel sumbitch to not help them out. What was it that what's-his-name said about logic?
ROWDY RODDY PIPER reappears to be the Special Referee for our fourth and final main event:
THE OUTSIDERS v. BRET CLARKE & CHRIS BENOIT v. SID VISCOUS & COLD BEER in a Triple Threat match within the confines of the STEEL cage - Katy bar that cage door, it's a bona-fide Pier Six Brawl. Here's mud in your eye! Geez, look at all these people just standing around and doing NOTHIN'.
Anyway, after about five minutes of nondescript, clustered
comes out with a laundry cart full
of gee-tars. There's a kabong for Piper (4) - there's one for Goldberg
(5). Jarrett takes out Hart with a pair of handcuffs, then hands a pair
to Hall and Nash. They string him up to the cage wall. Benoit tries to
get Jarrett but he escapes the cage. Benoit working over Hall, now
turning to Nash - no, he's climbing to the top - SWANDIVE HEADBUTT ON
HALL! Benoit covers - no ref! No, Piper is over - Nash, Goldberg, and
Vicious just kinda standing there - 1, 2, 3! (7:55) Jarrett in with a
gee-tar and kabong for Benoit (6). They buy guitars in bulk down thar?
Goldberg throws Jarrett into the cage wall, which promptly breaks open.
Second try - hmm, maybe that's SUPPOSED to happen. Hall grabs Goldberg in
the crucifix position - OUTSIDER EDGE! Nash powerbombs Sid Vicious for
good measure. Looks like Goldberg might be bleeding at the back of the
neck. Jarrett with the Stroke on Benoit - just so everybody gets to hit
their finisher tonight...no, wait. Actually, what IS the point of this
segment? Throw everything at the wall and see what sticks? Jarrett and
the Outsiders shake hands just in case we haven't figured that out yet.
Nash, Hall, and Jarrett take off - it's Miller Time! Bring up the
credits! Fade me on out, I'm gone!