AWARDS: No! It's OVER! Stop mailing me! You CAN'T have a ballot! I HATE Rick! Hopefully the results will be out on rec.sport.pro-wrestling.info on the 15th, but we'll see about that...

QUICK QUOTES: TWX 62 83/128 (+ 35/128), SPLN 49 3/4 (+ 1 11/16) (hundred and twenty-eights? That's less than pennies!)

Opening Credits! Almost completely Jazz free!

PYRO! WE ARE LIVE AND RATED TV-14-DLS! It's 6.12.99 and we're in the Milwaukee Arena in Milwaukee, WI on TNT! Let's immediately go to the ring, where

GENE O. works tonight! And he welcomes out JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET - please STOP emailing me telling me that Jarrett's theme is a ripoff of Kid Rock's "Cowboy," 'cause I DON'T CARE. This week I'm listening to the Best of Yazoo on MiniDisc - and if that doesn't impress you, I guess you're reading this for wrestling results or something. Jarrett wields the trusty gee-tar - let's keep track tonight of how many they break. Okerlund gets out "Jeff Jarrett" before Jarrett unhands him and gives us our first "Slapnuts" of the night. "Chosen one," check. "Powers to be," gotcha. Apparently, our impression is that Dustin Rhodes is the sole reason that Jarrett has been denied his destiny - to carry the WCW Championship. An "asshole" chant starts - and our helpful WCW censor attempts to mute it - then gives up. Jarrett challenges Rhodes to a Bunkhouse Brawl come Starrcade - wow, THAT'S a main event anywhere in the country! Jarrett lays out the open challenge tonight - whether it be Hart (you WISH, Jeff) or Goldberg (ditto) "or even that Slappy Mike Tenay - by the way, where is Tenay tonight? No you damn right! He will NEVER show his face in front of the Chosen One again. As a matter of fact, I bet YOU'D like to hear some of my string music tonight, wouldn't you Gene? You wanna hear my latest hit? Is that what you want?" Hey, it's MIKE TENAY come to get old school on us. TENAY BRINGS HIS OWN MIC! "Hey Jarrett! Enough's enough! And since nobody else around here's gonna do anything about it, maybe I DO need to take matters into my own hands!" Jarrett says he doesn't need any lawsuits - he's willing to chalk up last week as a misunderstanding - but he'd best not stick his nose in his business. Tenay makes his "angry" face - which looks a lot like his "quiet awe" face he usually reserves for the Living Legend. Hey! Jarrett with the clubbin' forearm! FIGURE FOUR! Tenay sells it OLD SCHOOL STYLE! Gene O. - watches. Save is made by ... COLD BEER. Does that make Mike Tenay Jim Ross? Let's dissolve to

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and BOBBY HEENAN - I can't help but notice the dainty teacup for Tony - hope it's used as a weapon later tonight, 'cause otherwise Tony just went sissy on us. Tonight, Bret Hart defends the WCW title against the Total Package! Chris Benoit takes on Kevin Nash! Scott Hall versus Sting! Diamond Dallas Page returns against Sid Vicious! Rowdy Roddy Piper refs an "I Quit" match between Creative Control and...Roddy Piper? Hold onto your britches, it's time for COMEDY!

Tony Marinara and his Two Wacky Friends establish tonight's hijinks - they're gonna find Lash LeRoux and Disco Inferno, and by God, they MEAN it this time...

In Charlie's office, Curt Hennig puts in the good word for Curly Bill (in suit). Hennig promises "he's got a HELL of a gimmick." "One word: Shane." "Shane. You know what, I don't know what's worse - that or Vincent but you know what? At least you're thinking - consider yourself hired - minimum wage of course." To make this segment even MORE exciting, Rhonda Singh walks into the picture demanding an opportunity...

Here's a Special Video Look at Sting which also happens to advertise WCW Mayhem: the Musical CD thing. It would be wrong of me to gauge popularity of sports entertainment companies based on chart position and compact disc sales, so I won't. See? I CAN be fair!

Closed captioning where available sponsored by Toy Biz Tuff Talkin wrestlers! I got THE COOLEST THING EVER last Saturday at the Big K in Oakdale for $4.99 - a Giant keychain that says "THECHOKESLAAAAAM!" every time you press the button on it! I *NEVER* get tired of it! Why doesn't the WWF make keychains that say "THECHOKESLAAAAAAM?" THE WWF SUCKS!!

Last Monday, Fit Finlay cut Brian Knobs' hair

This leads us into a Very Special Vignette of Brian Knobs wandering through the wilderness - where Fit Finlay stands wearing a jaunty beret and fatigues. Finlay promises to make Finlay do things that would make a billy goat puke - apparently, Knobs is joining the IRA?

Did Tony just say "Payback's a bitch?" So Knobs is scared of Finlay because he cut his hair last week? ...one thing about me, that I've said a million times, is that all storylines start with logic.

SCREAMIN' MARK CHMURA v. ? -

Backstage, the Maestro plays his piano while Symphony (zat the same girl?) looks on. Then he decides to do a little piano tuning. At this moment, David Flair appears, gently slamming the piano door on the Maestro (which he sells like an anvil fell on him) and walks off with Symphony.

Meanwhile, in Charlie's office, and as Curt, Shane, Gerald and Patrick look on, the unseen voice says to La Parka and Psychosis that Liger has a return match clause in his contract - but Juventud Guerrera has a broken arm, so he can't defend the title. So...he'd like for those two to fight each other here in the office - the man leaving the office defends the title. Psychosis gets the surprise on La Parka (who may not even understand English, who can say?) so it'll be him...

Bret Hart arrives - he's WALKING! - and enjoying a refreshing bottle of SURGE! He'll wrestle at the TOP OF THE HOUR! WHEN RAW STARTS!

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Castrol! OIL UP!

Total Package knocks knocks knocks on Elizabeth's door - he wants to talk things out on the night of his big title shot

Meanwhile, Tony Marinara hears a knock on his door - "pizza" - he didn't order pizza, but he answers it anyway! GOSH! It's Disco Inferno and Lash LeRoux! Feel the wackiness!

JUSHIN' "THUNDER" LIGER v. PSYCHOSIS for the IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Championship - Gotta love Psych - this is the SECOND time this year he's defended a title he hasn't won. This week we actually SEE the title belt, always a good thing (not to mention actual ENTRANCES by both men!). Let Us Take You Back to Last Week's Tequila Bottle that won Guerrera that most prestigious title - and YOU thought it was sports-entertainment proof! Welcome to 1999. Feeling out, lockup, to the ropes, Psychosis with a rather blatant choke, break. Lockup, to a side headlock by Liger, to the ropes, off the ropes, shoulderblock from Liger, off the ropes, leapfrog, cartwheel, off the ropes, up, flying headscissors from Liger. There's a full flip from Psychosis - charge - up and over the ropes to the floor! Let's take a look at BUZZKILL handing flowers amongst the crowd because God forbid you get interested in an actual MATCH. Liger runs - handstand spring off the ropes to cut the momentum short - now off the ropes again with a baseball slide dropkick. To the top turnbuckle - plancha to the floor! Both men down. Liger back in the ring - Psychosis headbutts the gut trying to get back in, hot shot, now he's on the top turnbuckle. Missile dropkick! 2 count. Psychosis has a few words with referee "Blind" Charles Robinson and gets a shove for his troubles. Liger put through the ropes,

In the back, Sky, Fyre and Tygress play poker and talk trash about Spice and Storm - suddenly, Vito and Johnny appear and challenge them to a game of strip poker. I don't dare say ANYTHING about this segment

Meanwhile, Total Package compares Elizabeth to cream cheese. I don't think she's buying it.

In the local ad, I learn that Digital Stuff is selling WrestleMania 2000. Joe bought NBA Showtime instead - it's pretty cool once you overlook the fact that you stopped playing NBA Jam about four years ago and this is the same game...

"Everybody is talking about WCW Mayhem: the Music!" That could mean many things, actually...

Maestro plays Stanley in "A Streetcar Named Desire." Or, if that's too intellectual for you, Captain Kirk in "Wrath of Khan."

Gene O. talks to Mona's chest - tonight, she's gonna take out Madusa and Evan Karagias and prove that woman can compete - AND win - in a man's world. She sure is cute, though.

EVAN KARAGIAS v. MADUSA v. MOANER with a Cruiserweight title shot on the line - they grease up Mona pretty good, don't they? Mona and Madusa gently both push away Evan, so he takes the third seat at the commentary table while we finally get that Madusa/Mona matchup we've been waiting - what, four months? - for. Madusa with a legsweep. Mona with a waistlock - Madusa pushes her off. Clothesline ducked, hiplock takeover from Mona. Madusa kicks, kicks, kicks. Mona's legs are really shiny. Madusa with - some move. I guess. Jumping back kick. Off the ropes, kick ducked, crossbody by Mona - she's going to the top turnbuckle - missile dropkick! Rather than cover, Mona grabs the hair and takes her head to the mat repeatedly while Evan drops the headset and gets in the ring. Evan with a waistlock on Mona and he pulls her off - Madusa calmly rolls him up for the pin. (1:28) Why'd I bother to PBP that? Hey, for no reason it's JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET - Karagias tossed out, Madusa with a kick, Jarrett breaking a gee-tar (1) on her. Jarrett lays out a challenge for Goldberg. Hey, this is WCW, they don't beat up women in WCW! Tony: "Jeff Jarrett has challenged Goldberg - Jeff Jarrett has challenged Goldberg!"

Disco Inferno and Lash LeRoux have Marinara tied to a chair. They have a surprised planned for him later tonight - I can HARDLY wait! WHAT could the surprise POSSIBLY be? Yow! EXCITEMENT!

Meanwihle, Liz and Package have apparently come to an agreement. Luger offers a toast with champagne and glasses - Elizabeth offers to pour - then pours the bottle over Package's head. Oh ho ho! That Liz is a FEISTY one!

In the local spot, I learn that Armageddon is Sunday, AND I can get a special license plate if I send them my cable bill!

The WCW Superstar Series presents Sid Vicious! And Sting! And the Nitro Girls!

Maestro is - WALKING! And David Flair is - STALKING!

Gene O. is with Vampiro and Jerry Only - Vampiro still wearing Oklahoma's hat. Tonight, says Vampiro, "the nightmare begins." That works on SO many levels.

DR. DEATH & OKLAHOMA v. VAMPIRO & JERRY ONLY - Oklahoma wears a mic so we can hear him provide commentary while he...ugggh...while he...he...."wrestles." That's it, I'm outta here. Golly, Ferrara's a portly gent, ain't he? HOLY SHIT! Williams busting out the SPINNING TOE HOLD!! Williams tags Oklahoma - who also tries the spinning toehold - but goes the wrong way. Now he's got it - Vampiro actually selling this. Oklahoma hits him in the jimmy! Oklahoma unfortuantely backs into Only, who does - something. Vampiro ducks a clothesline (well, at least he has SOME dignity, eh?) then runs into a big boot, which fortunately knocks out his mic. Tag to Williams, tag to Only. Well, my interest just ran out again. The sad thing is Vampiro and Williams seem to actually be doing some nice stuff in there. Following the infamous backdrop driver, Williams pulls up at 1 so he can tag Oklahoma - on the second rope - going up top - no, wait, back to the first rope. Elbowdrop. 1, 2, 3. Oklahoma has just pinned Vampiro. Oklahoma has just pinned Vampiro. Oklahoma has just pinned Vampiro. (4:35) Oklahoma has just pinned Vampiro. Oklahoma has hit hat back. 'cause he's just pinned Vampiro.

Backstage, the Nitro Grrrls use wily tactics (and the fact that as women, they are underestimated) to win all of Vito and Johnny's clothes while not removing a stitch of their own. Hmmm, let's see - who do *I* want to see naked in this picture. Oh, but it's FUNNY! So it's OK!

Disco Inferno makes a marinade for Marinara. Don't EVEN tell me they're going to tar and feather him...

The Total Package - is - WALKING!

Bret Hart - is also - WALKING!

Gene O. stands with the Outsiders and the TV-14-DLS ratings box. Scott promises to trash Sting like they did the TV title (fuck you), while Kevin says Benoit has no chance making it to the ladder match after HE'S through with him. One year ago, by the way, I made the Kevin Nash/Poochie connection for the first time - and the rest - was history. How long did he hold the book, anyway?

BRET CLARKE v. THE NARCISSIST for the World Heavyweight Championship - Champion enters first because tradition rules. The Package walks to the ring alone, and still feeling the effects of the bubbly bath. Luger's entrance is drawn out just enough to make sure we break

For some reason, the EXACT same vignette with Curt Hennig, Curly Bill, and Rhonda Sing as in the first hour is played here. Way to be on the ball, guys!

Midnight is WALKING! And looking for Harlem Heat! And wearing YELLOW!

Promotional consideration paid for by Talking Nitro Arena (lower Sting from the rafters!), Ontario's own Mag-Lite, Stetson smellin' stuff, and Slim Jim (Savage's only appearance tonight?)

In Charlie's office, La Parka (or as Charlie calls him, "Skeletor") is proclaimed the official "chairman" of the Powers that Be. Creative Control brings in Harlem Heat and Charlie says that he's giving them a title shot for Starrcade - then he signals La Parka to chair them while everybody else uses belts and boots to attack away. Hmm, I bet that was supposed to come right before we saw Midnight...

The answer to the trivia question is apparently Norman Smiley - although the way they said it, it sounded like it should have been Fit Finlay, but who can say. Anyway, log onto wcw.com to enter the Mayhem Holiday Sweepstakes and try to win stuff.

Roddy Piper's limo has arrived! Unfortunately, Piper's in it! And there he is now! Who's he with? Ehhh, probably doesn't matter.

David Flair is rocking the cradle of love - singing - screaming - I feel bad, I STILL can't tell if that's Ryan Shamrock or not.

Gene O. stands with Jerry Flynn, who lays out another open challenge for the Block - 'cause it went over so well LAST week, I suppose

ASYA (with the Revolution) v. MIDNIGHT - Shane, Dean and Perry are dressed in black fatigues - they carry an American flag and a black flag. Asya with the flip off the top turnbuckle! Yow! This might be my last Shane transcript, so savor it. "Cut the music! Milwaukee Wisconsin we got a damn problem we're gonna pick with you jackasses tonight! How dare every damn stinkin' one of ya to tell me I don't have my constitutional right to do whatever the hell I wanna do to that stinkin' flag!" Channeling both Brian Knobs AND Barry Darsow here. "We - the Revolution - did not turn our back on this damn stinkin' country - YOU turned your stinkin' backs on us - the Revolution!" "Asshole" chant is muted. "You can say all you want - but it's your fault - it's your fault - it's your damn stinkin' fault - and tonight, we fold up the bars and stripes and stars - roll that piece of (mute) up - and we unfurl the REAL flag of the Revolution and the sovereign nation before you." It's a black flag with a white circle and Raven's "R" superimposed on it.

Backstage, Larry Zbyszko - is - WALKING! He finds Mike Graham and asks what's up with the urgent memo to meet the Powers that Be. Graham helpfully points the way.

Meanwhile, Roddy Piper is - WALKING! And raving, too.

Jimmy Barron phones it in - next week, Nitro hits New Orleans. I wonder what comedy skits Lash LeRoux will take place in since I'm SURE he won't be wrestling!

Tony introduces a fake Nitro Party - of one - a David Flair fan. She's rocking. Call it a hunch, but I'm guess we'll see her again...

RODDY PIPER v. CREATIVE CONTROL in an "I Quit" match with Roddy Piper as a Special Guest Referee - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week for Piper's first two ref gigs - if you can't remember them, I can't help you. So when Piper wins, will he become tag team champions? Piper takes the mic and calls the twins "coneheads." Piper says "Powers to Be" again. Piper says since he's the ref, they're going to do what he says until the bell rings. He pats down one - and then the other. Geez, he WOULD grab their nuts. Remember when Piper ref'd the Hart/Backlund "I Quit" match at WrestleMania XI? Backlund NEVER said it. NEVER. Anyway, no opening bell - instead Piper kicks Gerald #1 in the nuts (again with the nuts!) and pokes the eyes of Gerald #2. Piper, however, is one man, so the two men turn the tide in their favour.

The New Age Outlaws tar and feather Howard Finkel - no, wait...I mean, Lash LeRoux and Disco Inferno pour sticky stuff onto Tony Marinara and then feathers, which stick to it. Marinara promises "wait'll my father...oooh! Oooh!"

Meanwhile, Vito and Johnny still fail to notice that the Nitro Grrls are cheating. The underwear's on the line! But before the hand is revealed...

This portion of Nitro is brought to you by Wrangler! Wrangle up some wrestling action!

WCW on sale! Friday buy 'em for Florence for THUNDER!, University Park, Los Angeles for Nitro, and Nashville! Saturday tix on sale for Nitro in Greenville, Cincinnati for Souled Out, Las Vegas for THUNDER!, and Wilkes-Barre for Nitro

WCW Nitro is brought to you in part by Lugz!

Maestro's found a shoe! By the end of the show he MIGHT find the rest of Symphony!

Let Us Take You Back Two Weeks to Mayhem where Dustin Rhodes interferes in Jeff Jarrett's Title Tournament Match - the next night where he interfered in Jarrett's title match with Bret Hart - and last week where he interfered in the three-way dance, preventing Jarrett from winning another title shot. WCW: home of the clean finish

DUSTIN RHODES v. MENG - Rhodes comes out in his Seven jacket but without painting his face. Meng's afro is in its full phase. At Starrcade, Meng takes on Smiley and Rhodes takes on Jarrett. You care. This match goes all of 64 seconds before JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET comes out - Meng is dumped over the top rope and referee "Blind" Mickey J. calls for the bell (1:14). Rhodes manages to get Jarrett into the corner and into position for Shattered Dreams (I move, I believe, he used in some other federation) but before he can complete the field goal attempt, the OUTSIDERS come out and work over Rhodes. Meng back in - Jarrett busts a gee-tar (2) over him, but it has little effect. Nash hits a big boot to take him outside the ring. Nash has Rhodes - truckstop powerbomb! The Wolfpack theme plays and Hall plays the remains of the guitar.

Back in Charlie's office, Larry Zbyszko is asked for his opinion - why does he think THUNDER! sucks right now? Larry says it's because THUNDER! is nothing but "Mickey Mouse B-players." Charlie agrees - it's time to make THUNDER! special again - starting Thursday, all the A-players will be on the show, baby! Goldberg, Bret, Sid, the Outsiders! In fact, he's so excited, he's going to ... replace the announcers! "Because you know what Larry? I think you really SUCK!" Zbyszko gives the "25 glorious years" speech and talks about how the "Larry" chants make it all worthwhile,

Here's a black-lit shot of ... Prince? There's a dove and a faux "Purple Rain" playing... Ohhhh...it's "the Artist formerly known as Prince...Iaukea." What a sucker I feel like.

CURT HENNIG (with Shane) v. LARRY ZBYSZKO, career vs. career - Zbyszko comes out to the original Nitro theme in a SHOCKING display of continuity. Also, he's in his dress slacks and shoes. Larry with an armdrag takeover - there's a scoop - and a slam. Front chancery - Hennig into the corner - clean break. Hennig with the knife-edge chop. Kick, right, right, Zbyszko with a kick to the back of the leg for Hennig to hit his "feet in the air" spot. Zbyszko with a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Hennig shakes off the head to the buckle and puts Larry there instead. Chop! Whip, reverse, Hennig collides with referee "Blind" Charles Robinson. Off the ropes, knee into the gut. Field goal kick. Stomp on the head. Hennig pulling the hair - right cross, kick, knife-edge chop, head to the buckle. Open handed slap. Kneelift. Snapmare out of the corner, trademark "pull on the neck while flipping over the guy" Hennig move. Abdominal stretch! Hennig pulling on the hair - why not? Robinson's not moving. Gutshot, right cross, going for the suplex, but Zbyszko reverses to a DDT. Now Shane's in with a fistdrop. Now working over Zbyszko. Sent in to a clothesline from Hennig. As he covers, ARN ANDERSON is out with a bat - whack! Whack! Whack! Four men down - Robinson rouster - Zbyszko covers Hennig - 1, 2, 3!!!! (3:57) Well now CREATIVE CONTROL are out - they've got a replay for Robinson to look at - of Anderson whacking Hennig, then Shane. Naturally, rather than ask what the heck Shane is doing in the ring, Robinson simply reverses his decision. Your winner is Curt Hennig. Stick around, we got another hour of this.

Chris Benoit - is - is - is - WALKING!

Elsewhere, the Outsiders and their ladder - are - WALKING!

I have to wonder about that TV-PG-V ratings box in this Starrcade promo...anyway, it's 19 December.

Meanwhile, Vito is naked (apparently) and the Girls are enjoying it - anyhow, they FINALLY notice that Marinara is in a bind (you mean there was a monitor there THE WHOLE FREAKIN' TIME?!?), grab their clothes and take off.

CHRIS BENOIT v. KEVIN NASH (with Scott Hall and a ladder) - Benoit's music has a "Silent but violent" helpfully added to the beginning of it so you know it's his music before he walks out. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week Where Benoit Got the Pin in the Cage Match Main Event. For TWO YEARS Steve Regal WAS the World Television Title and he was awesome. Couldn't they at least have tried giving it to HIM one more time? Hall grabs the third headset and perches on the ladder to watch the show. Nash into the corner when we actually look in the ring. Right hand. Elbow to the back of the head. Got him on the shoulder - Benoit slides free and pushes Nash into the corner. Knife-edge chop - chop - kick to the knee, again, again, again, right, kick, kick, elbow, headbutt, headbutt, kick, knee across the bottom rope, buttdrop. Snap elbowdrop. Buttdrop. Nash kicks him over the top rope with the good leg. Benoit slow to get up off the floor as Nash is out. Head to the STEEL steps. Standing on the neck. Back in the ring we go, Nash making sure to step over the top rope on his way in. Big sidewalk slam from Nash - 1, 2, no. Off the ropes, duck, duck, dropkicks the knees. Benoit off the ropes, dropkick. Legdrop on the knee. Nash kicks him away, Benoit back on him. Nash to the face. Benoit with the chops. Kicking the knees again. On the second turnbuckle for the ten punch count along, which only gets four. Shoved off - runs into the big boot - clothesline takes him down. Nash motions - but Benoit has Nash in the Crippler crossface! Hall has the ladder - there's a shot to referee "Blind" Slick Johnson - Hall in - Benoit punching him away - Nash has the ladder - Benoit dropkicks it! Benoit putting his thumb 'cross his throat - setting up the ladder - climbing it - Hall in, so Benoit foregoes the headbutt in favour of a plancha onto Hall. But Nash is back and the distracted Benoit falls to a big boot. Nash has him in position - truckstop powerbomb! Hall sets the ladder on the mat - then positions Benoit for an Outsiders' Edge onto it - but SID VISCOUS is out and grabs Benoit's feet - dragging him out of the ring. "Theme from Wolfpack" plays. Hmm, no decision - let's call it (around 6:45)

Diamond Dallas Page - IS LATE! And he's WALKING!

Vito and Johnny are also WALKING!

THUNDER! ad has some REALLY old clips in it - the old "rocks" set, Scott Steiner with natural hair colour, Mongo...

Enter the "Mayhem for the Holidays" Sweepstakes! The answer is "Norman Smiley!" Log on to wcw.com!!

Gene O. stands with Sting - what's the story with Elizabeth? Sting says that for most of his career

A ripoff of "Theme from the Godfather" plays, bringing out VON KRUS and THE OTHER GUY - Vito says he's sick of the audience, even as I'm pretty sure this is like CLOSE TO THE FIRST time they've ever actually been out in the ring. The gist of this is that there's a challenge laid out...the music plays and is it really answered? Nope, coming out to Disco Inferno's music are THE DOUBLEMINT TWINS from last week. Vito demands Disco and Lash - Johnny the Bull says something about breaking his vow to "never hit a broad." I *think* this is being played for humour. Anyway, DISCO INFERNO and LASH LeROUX come out through the crowd and attack from behind. Amazingly, TONY MARINARA makes an appearance here, still in feathers (doing a funky chicken!). Three on one beatdown is over with Johnny and Vito carrying Lash and Disco away...presumably to Mr. Marinara where an example will be made and we'll never see anything from these five guys on WCW television EVER AGAIN.

Ha.

Say, I wonder how the Maestro is doing? Well, he's still hot on the trail...apparently

WCW Magazine spot

"WCW Mayhem: the Music" ad

Goldberg T-shirt ad

Geez, it's like we're in the old "First Hour Zone," isn't it? Where's the WCW MasterCard ad?

Tony, Vito and Johnny load LeRoux and Inferno into their car - for some reason, Marinara practically faints here. Anyway, while they celebrate, the car drives itself off - apparently, Lash and Disco made off with it as they left the keys in it. Vito and Johnny run after it while Tony gets out of the shot as fast as he can. What happened to HIM?

Maestro has ventured into the bowels of the building...he should know by the wacky film treatment that he's in the wrong spot...but alas, he does not...

JERRY FLYNN v. MAESTRO in the Block - am I just *imagining* the crowd booing when they find out there's a match here? Anyway, after about (:50), Flynn overtakes him and tries to leave - only to find David Flair behind the door. Something really important is said by Flair here, but Tony Schiavone talks over it. Oops. Flair still carrying Symphony under his arm, by the way. Somewhere in here was the Lugz kick of the week - Flynn's dropkick on the Maestro!

Gene O. stands with referee "Blind" Nick Patrick. He's going to bar everybody from ringside in the Hall/Sting matchup - "it's just about time the referees here in WCW took some of our power back!" Gosh! I hope they don't go on strike!

Sting - is - WALKING! And now with Elizabeth! Looking over a contract! Giving it back to her! Hey, look! It's Sid Vicious trying very hard to blend in with the scenery! And it ain't workin'! On purpose or accident? YOU decide!

Meanwhile, Diamond Dallas Page is lacing up the boots!

Hey, you can STILL buy "WrestleMania 2000" at Digital Stuff

SCOTT HALL (with Kevin Nash)

Backstage, David Flair is dragging Symphony - and WALKING! Diamond Dallas Page is also WALKING! Let's hope they don't cross paths until after this ad break!

One More WCW Mayhem: the Music CD ad

Here's a Special Video Look at ...well, some highlights...with ICP's "Take It" as the musical accompaniment.

DAVID FLAIR drags SYMPHONY to the ring. Nope, I don't think that's her. Anyway, he's got THE STICK! "Hey Maestro! You have about ten seconds to claim your bride - SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" But it's the music of DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE instead. Flair swings the crowbar, Page ducks, there's the Diamond Cutter. Oops, I guess we shouldn't count that as a bonus match. Page on THE STICK!

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE v. SID VISCOUS - Just added to Starrcade: Williams vs. Vamprio - if Vampiro wins, he gets five minutes alone with Oklahoma. Crowbar on a pole match for Page and Flair. Harlem Heat and Midnight take on Creative Control and Curt Hennig - but the tag belts are still on the line. Lockup, Sid shoves. Lockup, side headlock, off the ropes, Sid knocks him to the floor. Out he goes after him. Sid with a stunning array of kicks and clubbing forearms. Back in the ring, Page catches him on his way in. Broken communication, Sid hits a lariat. Page with a jawbreaker, then a swinging neckbreaker. Sid still powers out at 2. Flying clothesline from the top! Sid stands back up anyway. Page tries for the Diamond Cutter - Sid shoves him into referee "Blind" Billy Silverman, knocking him out. Sid with a gutshot - there's the powerbomb. Vicious asking the crowd to please chant "One More Time" but KEVIN NASH is out and punching away. There's SCOTT HALL with him. Sid able to fend off both Outsiders - for a while. Crowd knows where this is going - nope, not Goldberg, its' CHRIS BENOIT. See, 'cause they're all Starrcade opponents, okay? JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET comes out so the crowd tires again for Goldberg. And sure enough, who should come out but BRET CLARKE. Crowd doing a lot of booing as SECURITY and the rest of the REFS are out to try to separate everybody. Nick Patrick is over to the commentary table - he's got THE STICK! "Screw this! We have not had control all night long! So what I suggest they do in the main event tonight with Goldberg and Jarrett - make it a lumberjack match - let 'em cover it themselves, if they want to kill each other, that's fine by me. But as for myself, as for the other referees, and as for security in the ring - we're outta here right now!" Tony: "This has never happened - the referees are walking!" You know, it's SCARY sometimes when I say stuff and then a couple hours later....brrrr.. Let's arbitrarily call all this... hmmm ... (2:45) sounds good.

COLD BEER v. JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET - when we come back, we focus on Goldberg's entrance, where he's SPRINTING out - because not only is everybody STILL fighting out there, but CREATIVE CONTROL is also out there. Jarrett up the ramp - he's not going to be party to this...but...some familiar music fires up - apparently there's one ref left. ROWDY RODDY PIPER. Piper reminds us that the "Power to Be" made him a referee. Piper declares everybody not named Goldberg, Jarrett or Piper a lumberjack. Jarrett STILL won't get in the ring. But behind him in the entryway, GILBERT BROWN,SANTANA DOTSON, and JERMAINE SMITH make me ashamed to be a Packers fan by appearing. Before they actually DO anything, though, DUSTIN RHODES is out and running Jarrett into the ring. Goldberg takes him off the ropes - shoulderblock. Cover - 1, 2, no. Forearm smash from Goldberg, again, again, off the ropes, Sunset flip from Jarrett, Goldberg with a few rights for 2. A few more rights - into the corner, Jarrett flips up but lands on Goldberg's shoulder - overhead slam by Goldberg - for 2. Jarrett to the outside, Sid, Benoit, Hart and Rhodes take some shots and put him back in. Goldberg with a fireman-esque carry into a jujigatame (ha!) and Jarrett goes outside again to break it. Again, the quartet take their shots and put him back in. Meanwhile, Goldberg is having words with Creative Control. Now he's out and the Outsiders and Creative Control are on him. So it's a - what - Pier Ten Brawl? Tony: "This is one of the craziest programs we've ever done, Brain! And one of the most exciting!" Bobby: "And with the Powers that Be in charge, every week it's just gonna get more - more berserk!" Anyway, Jarrett puts a chair across Goldberg in here - Piper of course had his back turned. Around for the cover - 1, 2, nope. Jarrett pounding away on him now. Off the ropes, gutshot with the knee. Jarrett to the top rope - crossbody block! - but only 2.