TV-14-DLS ratings box seems odd when last night's PPV was apparently rated TV-PG-V. Anyway, here's a quickie look at last night's main event. "This isn't Montreal all over again?" Montreal? What the HECK are they talking about?

Jazz-free opening

WE ARE PYRO from the Baltimore Arena in Baltimore, MD 20.12.99 for WCW Monday Nitro! Monday Nitro! Monday Nitro! TNT! Nitro! Let's IMMEDIATELY kick things off as

MADUSA & NITRO GRRL SPICE walk to the ring. Spice has a loaded handbag, while Madusa has giant breasts. Last night, Madusa became the first female ever to win the World Cruiserweight title. Madusa says women are dominating WCW with a little T&A...but she's not about that. The Powers that Be better watch out, lest they become the Power that Wuz. Madusa foolishly lays out the open challenge, then calls out to BUZZKILL who is carrying signs out in the crowd. Madusa asks Buzzkill for the equal right to kick his ass, shriek! Anyway, Buzzkill approaches the ring, Madusa waffles him with his own sign, and it's apparently on

MADUSA (with Nitro Grrl Spice) v. BUZZKILL - Spice distracts referee "Blind" Mickey J, throws some knux to Madusa, and Madusa wins it with a loaded punch, German suplex, and pin. There was also some wrestling in this match, but why bother with it? (1:38)

Your hosts are the Awesome 3 reunited - TONY SCHIAVONE & MIKE TENAY & BOBBY HEENAN. Everyone's abuzz about the end of last night's main event and speaking in cryptic terms. Heenan's wearing some old-man shades. Tonight, a ladder match between Jeff Jarrett and Chris Benoit for the US title! (What, you didn't PAY for that last night, did you?) Triple Threat match with the former members of the Triad. No holds barred when Jerry Flynn takes on Tank Abbott! Hardcore tag action when Smiley and Meng team up to take on Finlay and Knobs! Sid Vicious takes on the Wall, and...the VARSITY CLUB! All this and Tenay will make some faces...

In Charlie's office, the Unseen says that there's gonna be big problems tonight - emotions running high, sitting on a powderkeg. He asks his men to be ready. Curt Hennig says Hugh Morrus is back, so Charlie books him in a match with Hennig, with the directive that Hennig needs to ensure that this is his last match. Asking Creative Control if Piper's around (they dunno), he demands that he be brought to him as soon as he arrives...

Speaking of which, Roddy Piper - ARRIVES! He appears to have brought a son with him...

Here's a Special Video Look at - well, it's a WCW video for "Loose" by Primer 55 - a track on "WCW Mayhem: the Music" - still widely available, since nobody's buying it - did I read somewhere that they only sold ONE thousand units last week? That's downright dismal. There's gonna be more copies of this dumped onto the secondary market than Guns 'n' Roses "The Spaghetti Incident?", I PROMISE you

One more "WCW Mayhem: the Music" promo - oh, give it up, guys - it ain't sellin'

Closed captioning where available sponsored by JollyTime popcorn!

Piper and his kid share a moment - with the cameraman - Creative Control tells Piper the boss is ready to see him - finding no one to look after his son, Piper takes him with him...

HUGH MORRUS v.

Charlie addresses Roddy Piper. I think something gets censored in here. The Unseen Arm talks about the deal Piper's made with the devil. "You are THIS close to sealing the deal - all you need to do tonight is go out there in front of the people - YOUR people, Piper - and you need to tell those people that last night YOU SOLD OUT. It was YOUR idea from the get-go, and ME? I had absolutely NOTHING to do with it, because I will NEVER fess up to anything. You WILL take my heat, Piper, and if you don't, then this deal is off. I am TELLING you, don't blow it now." Piper SHOOTS with him! He says "smarts" and "marks!" Unfortunately, for some inexplicable reason crowd noise pretty much drowns out Piper's rantings. They manage to turn down the crowd as Piper says he's got God on his side. He broke in at 15 - over six thousand matches...he's STARTED this industry - him and Hogan and MTV, "no promoter, no stinking writers, just two guys that wanted to go for it. Oh yeah, you sent me out there, you sent me out there, you know why? Because you think you can set me up, huh? Baby, I'm smarter than you are. I set YOU up. You poor filthy lookin' drag queen. Those fans out there, they saved my life. I loved those fans. Never have I sold out, until I made some stinking deal with you!" Piper says he'll go out there...and he'll be a man. He calls Creative Control and La Parka the "condom head geeks." He's gonna put his son in the car, then come back and deal with him. "May God have mercy on your soul...'cause I'll have none."

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim and America (ha!) Online. That's IT?

Tony: "Fans, approximately two years ago when Bret Hart was with the World Wrestling Federation, he was screwed out of the WWF title in the middle of the ring by WWF owner Vince McMahon. And many people feel since that incident, Bret Hart has never been the same man, and at that time, one of the Powers to Be here, Vince Russo, was a writer for the WWF under Vince McMahon. And many insi - many of the insiders say that it was actually Russo who scripted the finish to that match that ruined Bret Hart's professional and personal life. We want to go back now and show you exactly what happened on WCW Starrcade last night - Bill Goldberg facing Bret 'the Hitman' Hart - let's take a look - it was deja vu, maybe, once again? Well, replacement referee Roddy Piper called for the bell before Bret Hart even cinched in the Sharpshooter on Bill Goldberg. Piper claimed that Goldberg had given up, and he awarded the match to Bret Hart. Now here's the question: what really happened and why? Why would the Powers that Be screw Bill Goldberg, much like Bret Hart was screwed two years ago? And THAT'S the burning question we have right now." Stills from last night accompany all this. Heenan and Tenay chime in with speculation of Piper's motivation. Schiavone says "the boys" once again. There's apparently a rumour going around that Kevin Nash was very vocal on Goldberg's behalf. As if on cue, KEVIN NASH walks out without music or FUBU.

"During the Break" footage shows Bret Hart arriving - and unhappy

GENE O. works tonight! He stands in the back with Creative Control. "Gene, Nash shouldn't talk for all of us - fact is, Kevin Nash is the biggest politican in that locker room."

TANK ABBOTT v. LIGHTNINGFOOT JERRY FLYNN in a No Holds Barred match - referee "Blind" Mark Johnson bumps more than both men combined - after the last time he gets whacked, he rolls out of the ring, and then for no apparent reason, SECURITY comes in to separate the two men. Let's call it (no contest :50) - so now you DON'T want them to fight? Flynn is cuffed - and Abbott runs over to get a free shot. Heh. Apparently the Lugz kick of the week took place in here, 'cause here's THAT replay.

Goldberg - ARRIVES!

Next Monday - it's WCW Monday Nitro: New Year's Evil! WOW! Hey, I saw Jim Ross in that "Man on the Moon" ad!

Where's WCW this week? Glad you asked. Tomorrow, THUNDER! tapes in Salisbury, next Monday it's Nitro in Houston, Tuesday in Beaumont, the NEXT Monday is Nitro in Greenville, and Tuesday sees Florence for THUNDER!

Next Monday: New Year's Evil! Hype it!

The REVOLUTION makes it to the ring - it's time for Duggan to make good on his promise. Saturn cuts a goofy promo, because that's his gimmick now. Douglas tells us what Duggan's gonna do tonight, and I can't help but think he's not gonnna do ANY of that - well, we'll soon find out as HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN walks out, slowly, with a heavy heart and WITHOUT flag or 2x4. Tears in his eyes, even! We see that the Revolution already has an American flag in the ring. Crowd chants "USA" while Douglas encourages it with cool facial reactions. "As leader of this Revolution, Hacksaw, I ORDER you - I am ORDERING you to denounce the United States of America - and to do to that piece of crap what we threatened to do nearly a month ago." "(mumbling) I can't do it." "Oh, excuse me, tough guy, I thought I heard you say you're not gonna do it." "I SAID I AIN'T GONNA DO IT!" "Are you gonna go back on your word and be a big welch like the rest of America?" "I'm not welchin' on anything!" "You said that you would take back--" "I LIED!!" Duggan gets one shot on Douglas but Malenko and Saturn quickly take him down. "'I lied?!' You LIED?!? You lied? You lied - you denounce that flag and you'll damn well like it." Douglas punctuating his sentences with kicks. "We were ready for this crap from an American...to hell with those [jackasses] in Standards & Practices, those [jackasses] will watch us do what we say we'll do. We'll BURN that son of a bitch!" Before they do it, "Psycho" fires up - everybody looks shocked as KONNAN & KIDMAN & RAYMOND STEREO walk to the ring - and the Revolution - BAILS?!? What wusses! Duggan rescues the flag from the trash can and waves it high...

Piper and his son - are - WALKING!

Here's the same set of clips that opened tonight's show

RODDY PIPER (with TV-14-DLS ratings box) makes his way to the ring at five to the hour. We take a look backstage to see Bret Hart watching on a monitor - and in another room, Goldberg is also watching on another monitor. "Cut the music - my name is Roddy Piper and I sold out. Yeah, yeah I know I know I know I know - to the slimeballs backstage - hey listen guys, I've done a lot of things in my time, man - I whipped Mr. T, I knocked out Snuka with a coconut, I kicked Cyndi Lauper, I started Piper's Pit, I fought in your town, I fought in your town, in your town, in your town, in your town, I'm the real deal. I am not a phony! And I don't dig this phony dog and pony act that's goin' on right now. Vince Russo, the new writer for WCW - you wanna write in all this clown baloney and the greatest athletes I've seen back there, and this guy does this, and this guy does that, and this guy beats this guy - hey, these people don't want to see that, man - they want to see guys fight, they want to see guys go into it - they don't wanna see that BS, man... And you know...Goldberg, Bill Goldberg, you're one of the greatest pieces of talent that I've seen in a long time, and I'm sorry - I'm sorry, Goldberg, but you know what, no, don't 'Roddy' me, I don't deserve it, no - umm, you know what? Okay, I'll tell you what, bottom line - 'Goldberg' is right, man. Come on, come on! Tell them you don't want a bunch of phonies! Tell them you want real deal fighters! I'll tell you something, the WCW has treated me better than any organisation ever that I've been with, but - boys - I'm a real fighter, man. And if you want me to do this dog and pony cartoon baloney - I QUIT. This is the last time - listen, hang on - this is the last time I'm gonna do anything for anyone - any - if you ever want a real deal fighter, man, you give me a call, but if you want somethin' um - to come down here and run around like an idiot, you - it ain't me - it ain't me, (?) - you know, I'll tell you something, man, please well you know what to do, just do me one solid - I've busted my body up for you for years, man, I'm asking you one thing - right now, you're at home, grab your kid, give 'em a big hug - and don't hit 'em - kiss 'em, man - tell 'em how much you love 'em - you know what, Christmas is not a holiday, it's someone's birthday. I spent my whole life in this sport - I quit. That's it." Piper's son runs out and they ... WALK! At the top of the ramp is GOLDBERG. We pause so Piper's son can say "I love you, Daddy." "You know what, Roddy? I stayed up all last night

In Charlie's office, the word "shit" gets muted a couple times. Russo: "Bret, what don't you understand? I did this for you! I know that you thought I had something to do with the Survivor Series two years ago - I tried to make it up to you last night - don't take this out on me, I did it for you, Bret!" Bret says some more family friendly stuff that gets muted "stick it straight up your ass you piece of shit" or something) Somehow, another Goldberg/Hart match is booked for tonight - I think.

Promotional consideration paid for by Stetson smelly stuff, Slim Jim, and America (ha!) Online

REPEATEDLY MENTIONING THE WWF WILL TEND TO MAKE PEOPLE INTERESTED IN THE WWF AND NOT YOUR COMPANY

The Awesome 3 ponder what's just happened - tonight, Goldberg v. Bret Hart for the vacant WCW World heavyweight title and Creative Control takes on Kevin Nash.

SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY & THEMONSTERMENG v. FIT FINLAY & BRIAN KNOBS - Meng ignores the fact that they're tag team partners and wails away on Smiley. Smiley retreats up the aisle and the Soldiers jump him. Knobs now has a Finlay haircut, if you care. Standard weapons brawl in the aisle ensues - hardcore beatbox action from DeeJay Punk-Roc! I just like saying that aloud. After a triple beatdown to put down Meng, Finlay and Knobs turn to Smiley, who bolts. We end up in "the Kevin Sullivan/Chris Benoit bathroom!" Smiley is dunked. One bathroom door shot later, Knobs covers Smiley for the 3. No opening bell, but let's call it (just under 4:00)

Backstage, Piper tells his son that Daddy's gonna take care of something and he'll be back. He then picks up a baseball bat and tries REALLY hard to get across that it's a real bat.

Bret Hart says something to Roddy Piper - a goodbye? Well, I can't hear it. Piper rants and raves to his bat.

MAESTRO (with Symphony) v. EVAN KARAGIAS - Maestro's not that bad, actually - he certainly deserves better than for me to completely blow off describing his match. Such is life. Flash to the sports entertainment ending - Symphony up on the apron, Karagias pushing her away - but he fails to hit the top turnbuckle manoeuvre when he gets soft and checks on her instead of leaping. Maestro over with a running knee. 1, 2, 3. (3:41) Symphony miraculously recovers - guess they had him well scouted.

Backstage, we hear a knocking on the office door - check that, it's actually the WALL - Piper knocks it down from behind - revealing that this is all just a set - then ranting about people who weren't phonies - I hear Adrian Adonis, Gorilla Monsoon, and Owen Hart's name dropped. Piper attempts to smash in a television and fails - oh well. We take a break while he's still smashing stuff up good

Jimmy Barron says "dude" a lot and spotlights next week's Nitro at the Astrodome in the 1-800-CALL-ATT Road Report

Chavo Guerrero, Jr. approaches Evan Karagias backstage - with a copy of "How to Pick Up Chicks." Karagias takes umbrage at the salesman and lays into him with fists o' fire.

CHRIS "CHAMPAGNE" KANYON (with entourage) v. TRIPPA B v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE in a three-way dance - "You people just don't get it. Chris 'Champagne' Kanyon - CCK - has been to HOLLYWOOD. And Baltimore definitely ain't Hollywood! What? What? CCK single-handedly destroyed the Triad - the Triad is done. On Monday, I easily beat Bam Bam Bigelow...and then on Thursday I mad the exacta when I blew by Page. So what I want right now is for those two jabrones to come down here so I can show them and the world that nobody can stop CCK." Mr. J. Biggs joins the commentary team despite his voice being almost completely gone. Crowd chants "DDP" - or is it "BBB?" Triple lockup, Kanyon in the middle of a double arm wringer. Double punch to Kanyon. Whip is reversed, but Page hits a back elbow. Bigelow with a Samoan Drop off the ropes. For all intents and purposes, this is a Handicap match. Uranage by Page and headbutt by Bigelow. Bigelow holding Kanyon for a Page punch, and of course, Kanyon ducks it and Bigelow tastes it - tempers flair and now Page and Bigelow are going at it - no, they both take down Kanyon. Flying clothesline by Page - top-rope headbutt from Bigelow. Now Page motions for the Diamond Cutter - no, Bigelow wants to do Greetings from Asbury Park - and he does. Page shakes the hand - then hits the Diamond Cutter on Bigelow. He threatens one for referee "Blind" Billy Silverman as well - but doesn't. Page outside - liplock on a front row fan - then he...walks away?? Silverman puts on a count - for the two men in the ring who are out. Biggs puts his briefcase in the ring for Kanyon, but Silverman takes it away and gives it back to Biggs. In the meantime, Kanyon breaks a champagne bottle over Bigelow's head. And now the pinfall is academic... (4:19)

Kevin Nash - IS - WALKING!!

Still shots show Sting, silly string, and a violent thing that Liz done did to the Stinger with the bat. We learn that Sting has a hairline fracture in his skull and a broken wrist.

CREATIVE CONTROL v.

We look up in the rafters, where (THIS IS) STING....no, wait, it's THE NARCISSIST dressed up as Sting and doing a rather humorous impersonation, complete with LIZ wielding a bat.

Chris Benoit is WALKING!!

Same set of clips that opened the show by way of advertising the encore

Next Monday: WCW Monday Nitro - New Year's Evil!

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with still shots and TV-14-DLS ratings box and gee-tar) v. CHRIS BENOIT in a return ladder match for the United States Heavyweight championship - tell me please, why should I pay for this match when they'll give it to me for "free" on Nitro? Hmmmm? Jarrett charge, Benoit ducks, chops, chops, chops, off the ropes, reversal, slides under, caught the foot, Benoit with the enzuigiri. Chop, off the ropes, drop toehold, off the ropes with a dropkick to the head. Buzzsaw elbowdrop.

When we come back, GENE O. accuses Jarrett of gimmicking the ladder. Jarrett says they just don't make ladders like they used to. Last night was muted bullshit, and tonight Benoit got his receipt. Curt Hennig interrupts proceedings, telling Jarrett he's needed at the limo, and they walk off...

SID VISCOUS v. THE WALL (with Berlyn) - Let Us Take you back to THUNDER! where Berlyn and the Wall had friction - nonetheless, they're out together again tonight. I'm not sure we can be bothered to care, though, you're right. I'd handicap this match with thirty-five seconds on the over/under. Lockup, Sid strikes, kicks, kicks, off the ropes, big boot. Clothesline to take him outside. Head to the commentary table, plastic bottle of water shot (ooh!), crappy punch, crappy punch, crappy punch, kick, kick, back in the ring we go, Wall tries to attack as Sid comes in and has a brief flurry. Axehandle. Off the ropes, Sid ducks, chokeslam. Berlyn on the apron - Vicious looking to the crowd for advice. Nothing comes of it. Looks like it's Millennium Bomb time - but Berlyn is AGAIN on the apron. Wall manages a double sledge from behind. Scoop - and a slam. Is the Wall related to Roadkill? Wall with a choke...but Berlyn is off the top rope with a dropkick that hits Wall (huh? DQ 2:33)

Jarrett: "You're ribbing me, right? Why didn't you tell me?" Russo: (I see his LEG!) "Jeff, man, I couldn't tellya - it was bigger than the both of us." "You've got - on top of this, it's gonna happen tonight?" "Tonight's the night." "On top of this?" "On top of this." "I don't know what to say." "Jeff, you don't have to say anything - you sit back and enjoy."

WCW Magazine ad

"WCW Mayhem: the Music" ad

Sting has a new T-shirt! And a new T-shirt ad! Did they really call that an "Attitude" T?

Tony Marinara is talking to his father - Vito and Johnny bring in Disco Inferno, or "Glen." Mr. Marinara offers him two choices - either join the Family, or spend the rest of life in a coma. If you're like me, you're wondering: what the HECK is that cameraman doing there?

MIKE ROTUNDA/O & RICK WOOF WOOF (with Kevin Sullivan & Kimona Wanalaya Leia Meow) v. HARLEM HEAT (with history package) - Sullivan gets on the fourth headset and you can actually see the giant whirlpool form as all my interest gets sucked into a black void. Schiavone asks the cheerleader's name and Sullivan says he's not telling despite the fact that WE SAW IT ON THE DAMN GRAPHIC and also the ring announcer said it as they came in.

Backstage, David's gothic stalker searches for a refreshing can of Surge - Jerry Only hits on her, then she knees him in the groin and bites his nose. Vampiro and the other Misfits make faces and she runs off screaming. Or something.

DAVID SAMMARTINO - ERR, FLAIR & DAPHNE UNGER walk to the ring - then Flair puts his gold crowbar to DAVID PENZER. Flair takes the mic and squeaks a lot - but the gist is he's calling out Vampiro. Vampiro comes out and says this is all a misunderstanding, and he's sorry. "I'm really sorry...that you're a psycho freak - and you...you're twice as mental--" now why'd he turn his back to Flair when he's holding a crowbar. Geez, he DESERVES that beatdown. Here comes JERRY ONLY. There goes Jerry Only. David squeaks. Daphne shrieks. I keep waiting for her to fall out of her top, but no luck. Hey Vampiro, tired of jobbing to Oklahoma? Here, job to David Flair for a while.

"WCW Mayhem: the Music" ad - what do you MEAN you haven't bought your copy yet?

Here's the "Loose" clipfest for the second time

The Misfits throw a tantrum backstage. Some EMT's attempt to stay out of the way.

Gene O. brings out BUFF IS THE STUFF. What the HECK is he doing in the final quarter hour? The gist of this interview is he's gonna go after some gold soon, yup. That and he's sucking up to Baltimore. No, wait, Gene tries to bring up "the rumour about you and one Kimberly Page" and then Bagwell gets all serious and talks to Gene off-mic which is supposed to make you think it's all SHOOT and stuff, but heck, Mark Madden already wrote a column about this (and I might add, stealing some material I wrote A WHOLE YEAR ago in the process ["If you see it on TV, it's a work"]) so why should we bother? Bagwell says do we wanna go there, Gene says "I wanna know if you've BEEN there." All right, a quote for you. "If Diamond Dallas Page was not married to Kimberly, I'm telling you - Buff would put his [stuff - all OVER her]." Bagwell all but intimates that Kimberly was draped across the bed in his hotel room one night, and this brings out DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE, complete with theme music and incredibly bad acting and facial expressions by Bagwell. Page all over Bagwell and shrugging off security to get a couple more shots in. Something else is muted in here and it takes quite a few folks to get between them. Is it this muted on YOUR coast, too? By the way, is ANYBODY talking about this angle? I mean, they SAY we're all talking about it, but this is the first I'VE brought it up, and that's only to talk about how it's NOT working... 'course, I'm biased, wink wink.

Backstage, Roddy Piper and Sid Vicious share a goodbye in the locker room. Piper addresses everybody in the room - don't let the writers turn them into a bunch of phonies, and remember what's important - family. Is the crowd actually chanting "boring?" Man, that's COLD. Somehow the word "union" gets mentioned...oh man, you know where THIS is going?

Jeff Jarrett enjoys a refreshing can of Surge, and casts his gaze towards a monitor - I guess he's not watching himself, or his reaction would probably be different.

BRET CLARKE v. COLD BEER for the World Heavyweight title - it's 2259 and we still have to give two or three minutes to Goldberg's entrance! Goldberg's on the cover of the new WCW Magazine, by the way.

Nash: "Baltimore, Maryland...the BAND is back together!"

The World champion, the United States champion, and the tag team champions stand in the centre of the ring. It's ten after and everything old is new again. GOOD NIGHT!