I GET LETTERS: Mystery solved, thanks to Scotty: Hey (yo),

I really liked this week's NWA show...but I guess I'm biased being a huge Low-Ki mark and all!! The replays were surely long, but the truly objectionable stuff was kept to a minimum. I could've done without Jasmine St. Claire, in order to give the Briscoe's match more time.

Probably my favorite funny moment that I've seen in a wrasslin' ring, and I was all geared-up to see CRZ make fun of them, but you missed it! The crowd was chanting "Zip your pants! Zip your pants!" at K-Krush, and if you watch the match again, you will see him reach down and zip his pants...without breaking character! All of a sudden I LOVE K-Krush!!

Let's see how we do with the "truly objectionable stuff" THIS week, eh?

TNA IN THE NEWS(?): Jeff Jarrett's end-of-show fracas with members of the Tennessee Titans didn't go unnoticed after all - unfortunately, it appears to have received the WRONG kind of attention: Click here for the Nashville Tennessean story: http://www.tennessean.com/sports/titans/archives/02/07/19858883.shtml

Same pre-show ad as last week - and the week before - and the week before...man, it's too bad they didn't think to include any X Division folk in this ad, isn't it? The OTHER strange thing was I actually saw more ads for *WWE* presentations (the 100% Austin-filled Vengeance promo as well as the Austin-filled Fanatic presentation of "What?" - hmmmmm) just before this show than for TNA. That crazy, wacky iNDEMAND! It's almost as if they think they'll make more money selling....naah

We start TONIGHT'S show with a long, long, long montage of Jeff Jarrett's reign of terror - just in case we forgot who the REAL star of this show was

EARLIER THIS WEEK: Goldilocks ran after Ken Shamrock carrying an umbrella. Someone left him out in the RAIN! I don't think I can TAKE it, 'cause it took so long to MAKE him, and I'll never have that recipe AGAIN - OHHHH NOOOOOOOOOO - anyway, Shamrock finally gave her the time of day and more when he turned around and said "Back off, bitch! What's wrong witchoo people? Oh oh that's right - that's right - you need a story - oh you need a comment. You wanna know what it's like to have a chair wrapped around my head - or how pissed off I am! I gotta better idea - how 'bout I just show you and start kickin' the shit outta everybody here? BACK OFF!" He shoves the camera and disappears. Wow, listen to him talk "street!"

Opening Credits

PYRO AWAY - welcome once again to the TNAdome at the Nashville Municipal Auditorium LIVE 17.7.2 and Tenay is already remarking on the "different side of Ken Shamrock!" This is NWA Total Nonstop Action #5 and there's a ladder! The #1 Contender to Ken Shamrock's world heavyweight title will be decided in a ladder match (no, there's a contract up there, see?) but oh my let's go to the back

...where Scott Hall is beating up Jeff Jarrett! What's going on? This is chaos! Madness! Jarrett ends up taking the whip reversal into the deadly garage door - there's the dreaded plastic garbage receptacle - and there's the dangerous appearance of Bill Behrens, telling Jeff Jarrett he just forfeited his match. But - but Scott Hall was the one who...well, damn, I'm confused and we're only four minutes in

Your hosts are ASK MIKE TENAY, DON WEST DOT ORG & VINCE RUSSO'S FRIEND. "Ladies and gentlemen, often times live TV can be a real challenge - and this is certainly one of them." Poor Mike Tenay. Poor, poor Mike Tenay.

Now with no opponent, TEAM MASCARA hits the ring. I still can't quite figure how this deserves the curtain jerker spot but I guess with no Jarrett it makes a LITTLE more sense. Malice fails to walk underneath the ladder - I guess it's bad luck even if you're a Disciple of the New Church! Mitchell on THE STICK: ""It iswith deep, deep regret that I make the following announcement. Due to unfortunate and unforeseen circumstances, it appears that Mr. Jeff Jarrett will not be able to bleeeed here tonight. However, my weapon of mass destruction (Malice) is still very much in the mood to wash his hands in the crimson life essence of another victim. Therefore, Malice is formally extending the thorn branch to anybody, anybody in this arena that would like to take a ride in the fast lane to hell and back. Now, do we have any takers?" The lights go out - this wasn't on the schedule! Lights back up and...it's SABU. He's desecrating an American flag by wearing it as a turban...so that'd make him...the face?

MALICE (with Father James Mitchell, Slash & Tempest) v. SABU in a ladder match to determine the #1 Contender
referee: MARK "SLICK" JOHNSON
Well, here we go. Duck, right, right, right, Malice reverses, right, right, right, right, right, right - into the opposite corner - two boots up by Sabu - swinging DDT out. Springboard into a heel kick. Gutshot, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, back elbow by Malice. There goes his vest! Off the ropes, drops the forearm - does it again - big choke. Johnson manages to pull him off. Scoop...and a slam. Malice gets a chair tossed to him...but Sabu cuts the legs out from under him - then tosses the chair at his face. Sabu tosses the chair again. Ew, let's lose the closeup of his back. Arabain splash - is caught - Malice with the backbreaker. Malice kicks a field goal with the chair. Malice with a suplex. Off the ropes - drops the leg. Tempest sets the chair up in the corner - so Malice rams Sabu's head into the turnbuckle in the opposite corner. NOW Sabu gets rammed into the chair. Malice drapes Sabu over the bottom rope and stomps away while Tempest (quite audibly) calls the next few spots. Hoo boy. Forearm across the chest by Malice - again - and a right hand. Off the ropes - well, I don't know WHAT the hell THAT was supposed to be but it turned into Malice going over the top and to the floor. Ugly ugly ugly. But he's near the ladder, so he grabs it. Tempest feeds *Malice* some spots. Malice tosses the ladder away, hits the apron - back to the floor. Damn, get some communication together, guys. Malice brings the ladder - to the perfect position for Sabu to dropkick it into his face. Here he comes - onto the chair - the top rope - and into a double axehandle onto Malice. Here comes Tempest to call another spot - his whip of Sabu is reversed into the barricade...then Sabu flies off the STEEL steps into a heel kick for Malice. Tempest over to call some spots - and now Sabu takes off after Slash and Mitchell - who run off. Sabu under the ring - he's got a table! Table in place - Malice in time with a right hand. Head to the STEEL steps. Knee by Malice - scooped up on his shoulder - and dropped on the ladder, held up by the ring and the ringside barricade. Malice scoops him up for another one - running drop onto the ladder and apparently Sabu just broke his nose in gruesome fashion. Everybody back in the ring - Malice puts the ladder in the corner - here comes the whip - and he lands hard back first - Malice adds an avalanche. Malice scoops up Sabu AND the ladder - front slam pancakes Sabu. Crowd chants "TNA" and Paul Heyman is probably smiling. Malice stomp, stomp, chairshot. Malice with the ladder - almost saying "Here, I'll hold this until you hit a springboard kick to turn it around." Malice underneath the ladder - double legdrop by Sabu onto the ladder, onto Malice. Stomp. Sabu sets up the ladder...will he actually climb? Yep - oops, one rung too short - Malice up from under and powerbombs him to the canvas. Malice puts the ladder against the second turnbuckle and whips Sabu into the opposite corner - pulls him out - belly-to-belly overhead suplex onto the ladder! WOW the commentators are excited! TNA! TNA! TNA! Here's a replay. Into the ropes - big boot by Malice. Stomp. Malice grabs the ladder - it's underneath the contract. Malice climbs up but Sabu climbs the corner - dropkick to the ladder to take him off! Give THAT a replay! Somehow, Malice is up first - while Tempest relays the spot call to Sabu. Into the ladder - but Sabu steps aside and Malice splashes the ladder. Sabu throws the chair at Malice's face again - then hits the Arabian heel kick, springing off the chair into Malice against the ladder! Sabu out - on the corner - bulldogs the ladder onto Maclie! Tempest and Sabu "fight" over a chair - Sabu gets it and hits the Arabian facebuster on Malice. But again, Tempest throws right hands (and calls spots) from ringside. Sabu sets up the ladder - Malice yanks him off the ladder. Malice with a right, Sabu with a right, right, chair to the face, chair, off the ropes - Malice catches him with a spinebuster. Malice rolls him over, nudges him with his boot and decides to set up the ladder nowhere near the contract. Climbing up - he's there but he's too far away - but just close enough for Sabu to shove the ladder, taking him out of the ring and feet-first through the middle of the table outside the ring. Give THAT a replay and we almost miss Sabu climbing the ladder in the meantime - taps the contract, swings it his way - FINALLY pulls it down to put us all out of our mercy - at least until the Sabu/Shamrock match NEXT week. (13:23) * Tempest and Slash (hey, almost forgot all about Slash) put the boots to Sabu - he manages to duck a doublc clothesline and hit a quebrada on both men...but Malice comes back in and steps on him and the numbers take over again. Malice crowns him with a chairshot as Slash and Tempest produce a second table which is set up on the floor. Malice has him on the apron - chokeslam to the floor! Then they smear themselves with Sabu's blood - no, REALLY. Just in time, we cut to

Outside, Jarrett and Behrens and Security have apparently been standing out in the rain for fifteen minutes! OHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO Behrens calls Jarrett a "bastard." And furthermore, he might catch a "frightful chill!"

As Johnson helps Sabu to his feet, A.J. STYLES hits the ring with a look of...well, it's a look. HE'S NOT SCHEDULED TO BE HERE AT THIS TIME!!! Let's all listen in. "Jerry Lynn. MAH partner. I think you owe me--" "Shut the hell up!" Well, here's JERRY LYNN. "You shut the hell up. I don't owe you SHIT, punk!" "Jerry I just wanna ask you a question--" "I'll tell you. You don't ask me nothing. I'll tell you what you want to know. Lemme guess - you wanna know why I punked your ass out last week and left you layin' like a BITCH. Well tell me somethin', how many years you been wrestling now, huh?" "Three and a half, four." "Oh - three and a half years - everyone always exaggerates. All the young guys exaggerate - they want more experience. All right, tell me this - humour me, how many years have I been wrestling?" Commentators sneak in "That's a shoot!" Oh boy. "Fourteen years, that's right. And while your momma was at home powderin' your ass, I was busting my ass in the ring. I have done more in this business in one day than you've done in your lifetime. AJ Styles - who the hell are you. What have you done? You walk around here like you're king shit. Well you ain't SHIT. You never had to sleep in your car at a rest stop or a truck stop because you couldn't afford a hotel room. You've NEVER had to live off of peanut butter sandwiches for weeks on end because you couldn't afford to EAT! You ain't SHIT 'til you paid your dues like I've done! And when I *let* you be my tag partner, you didn't do me a favour - I gave you an opportunity. And I'll be - I'l be GODDAMNED if I'm gonna sit back while some snot nosed punk steals all the victories and the glory. Do you understand me? Look at me when I talk to you - do you...understand me." "I understand, Jerry." "Good, good. 'cause from here on out - you just follow my lead. And oh by the way, you will respect me." So Styles gives him an enzuigiri and a discus lariat. Stomp, stomp, stomp, Styles Clash. Umm....tell me again. Who's the face here? Play Styles' music!

To the back with Goldilocks, standing in front of an EXCITING door! The "cardboard and construction paper?" sign helpfully says "FEMALES" for our benefit. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week for the talent contest between Jasmine St. Clair and Jeremy Borash - and Bill Behrens and Ed Ferrara - none of these people wrestle, by the way. Looking for a comment from St. Clair, Goldilocks instead finds herself pushed aside by Francine, who takes St. Clair into the shower and sprays water on her until I ALMOST see aureola.

Speaking of which, the TNA GRRRLZ dance while the crawl advertises:
NWA ECCW - 18 July - Abbottsford, BC
NWA Mississippi - 19 July - Greenvile, MS
NWA Wildside - 19 July - Cornelia, GA
Visit nwawrestling.com

Tenay namedrops every site but this one as effusive in their praise of last week's show (let's see if that keeps up THIS week) as K-KRUSH hits the ring to make some noise. "Shut the hell up and sit down. I got somethin' to get off of my chest right now. I want every one of you folks in here, everybody that's watching this to look at me - look at me! I LOOK like a star. Every time I grab this microphone I *sound* like a star. Whether I'm dancin' down that ramp - whether I'm dancin' in the ring, or whether I'm just knockin' the dust off somebody's stankin' ass, I move like a star. I even *smell* like a star. So tell me this - why, at this point in my career, am I not the biggest damn star in the business? Tell me this - why, in my first few weeks here, do they put me in the ring with the damn NASCAR driver?! Why in the hell did the WWF - WWE, whatever the hell they call themself, why in the hell did they let me go? Terminate my contract? What the punk damn thunder is that about? I'll tell you what it is - I'll tell every last one of you what it is. They was afraid that K-Krush was gonna become something that they was scared of. They was afraid, whether you like it or not, I was gonna be the hottest item they had. And you know what that means? That means you would have had to promote me - they woulda had to sell my T-shirts. Good Lord, forbid I get the damn gold round my ripped-up-ass waist. My whole life I've been kept down. My whole life I've been treated like a damn second hand citizien. And why? You want to know why? Because they know that I'm better than themy is and they are *afraid* of that. You better be afraid! You need be afraid. You better be afraid, because form this point on, I'm gonna take what's 'posed to be mine. I'm gonna spit some damn face while I'm doing it. After years and years of being pressured and suppressed, its time for me to move some damn things to the top o' the mountain, blow the top off that son of a bitch! But you know what, don't get it twisted. I'm not an angry black man. I'm just a damn truth - and the truth will no longer be denied." I don't know, most of that SOUNDED angry - and black, for that matter

One fall, twenty minute time limit
THIS IS K-KRUSH (Charlotte, North Carolina - 244 pounds) v. SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY (Miami, Florida - 235 pounds)
referee: SCOTT ARMSTRONG
Armstrong sports a large wrap on his arm, which can only mean one of the following two items: (a) Jarrett didn't really accidentally break his arm last week, (b) they can't afford a real cast for him. Anyway, good to see he didn't take time off - time is short around here, after all! Smiley has opted for orange this week. Tenay decides to talk about Jarrett & the Tennessee Titans instead of this match and the transformation into Tony Schiavone II is nearly complete. Krush from behind - right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. "What do you think about Norman Smiley now, huh?" Into the ropes, reversed, hiptoss by Smiley - leapfrog - hand in the face - does the dance! Headlock, powered out - Smiley up and over when Krush drops down - Smiley with the swoop slam! Krush is assuming the position...but Smiley says it's not time for his very special dance just yet. Into the ropes, Krush ducks, wheelbarrow - Smiley smacks him up while doing him in the butt - faceplant - 1, 2, no! European uppercut by Smiley - into the opposite corner, Krush up and over, superfluous backflip, does the splits underneath the clothesline, right hand puts Smiley down - 1, 2, no. Krush covers again and again gets 2. Head to the buckle. "Y'all gon' respect me!" Right, slap by Smiley, right by Krush, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stands on the neck for 4. Krush and Armstrong share a moment. Whip out is reversed by Smiley but he runs into the big boot. Krush swings and Smiley ducks under. Death suplex and both men are down. Armstrong starts the ten count - both men up at five - Smiley with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, ducks Krush's next swing and Krush does a full spin into Smiley's right. Right by Smiley - winds up for the cocobutt style headbutt. Into the ropes, back elbow by Smiley, clothesline off the ropes, BUTTBUTT!! Into the ropes is reversed, gutshot by K Krush, brought up - and HAT RACK CRACKED. 1, 2, 3. (3:21) *1/2 Krush removes his belt - "Is he taking his pants off?" Well that WOULD be edgy, but no. Stomp - then whips him with the belt, whip, whip, whip, whip. Poor Don West makes the perfectly valid point that last week Krush did this to Hermie Sadler and the referee reversed his decision, not knowing that he just buried that decision in inconsistency when we all know that will utterly fail to happen tonight. Krush wraps the belt around Smiley's neck - then hangs him over the top to the floor. Here comes MRS. NORMAN SMILEY (a rather - ahem - stately looking figure of a woman) to beg Krush to stop - he DOES let go...but then tries to throttle HER. TNA SECURITY quickly comes out to separate them - Krush lets go, leaving Mrs. Smiley to overact to anyone who will listen. "That's my husband!!" The stange thing is...Norman never *once* SCREAMED

Backstage, Goldilocks finds Puppet masturbating inside a trashcan. This would normally be where I (ahem) get off. "Can't a midget just get a little privacy around here? ... What do you mean, what am I doing? What do you think, I'm spankin' my monkey? Hey little girl, how would you like to have a little porridge? What do you mean what am I doing. I'm meditating in here - I'm putting my game face on. You know I have a little problem that I'm suffering from. We call it PMS. Yeah, PMS - pissed midget syndrome. And its not a little thing that Summer Breeze can take care of. The only thing that can cure my problem is beatin' midgets ass - oh yeah, beat the midget's ass." He's referring to Meatball? "The world's largest midget? I mean, you're either a midget or you're a...McCauley Calklin. Oh, I got plans for this Meatball character - see these six inch pythons? I'm gonna wrap my pythons right around his neck. Like a spaghetti noodle around a fork. Oh, and uh - later if you're a good little girl, I'll show you my cobra - oooh yeah." Goldilocks walks off, muttering about garden snakes and why hasn't her singing career taken off already? She wanders back to find the Dupps play spin the bottle - with dryhumping. Stan's apparently playing spin the Bic. "Hey, cain't you see I'm playin' with far? Hey, Goldie - you, you sure do got some pretty - (throttles the lighter) - got some pretty lips." "Oh, thank you very much!" "I, I, I, I wa'n't talkin' about doze, doze lips."

NWA ECCW - 19 July - Port Coquitlam, BC
NWA New Jersey - 19 July - Long Branch, NJ
NWA SW - 19 July - Richland Hills, TX
Visit www.nwawrestling.com

FLYING ELVISES (Siaki & Estrada - Memphis, Tennessee - 452 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) v. "FALLEN ANGEL" CHRISTOPHER DANIELS & "PRIME TIME" ELIX SKIPPER (422 pounds)
referee: Johnson
Graphic STILL says "Elvis'" and I still can't make myself duplicate it - worse yet, Daniels is "Chris" this week so I should probably just give up on the chyron people. Pier Four Brawl to start - eventually Skipper hits and Daniels does not - so we're left with Skipper and Siaki in the ring - whip, Skipper ducks and somersaults out and onto Estrada on the floor - there's an elbow by Skipper. Skipper takes a shot from Siaki as Estrada comes back in - where Daniels is waiting with a knee. We break from the action (confusing as it is) to take a replay of Skipper's corkscrew. Coming back, Daniels off the ropes, up on Estrada's shoulders but he drops him facefirst in an inverted rydeenbomb, let's say. Estrada outside - are we using lucha rules? Skipper and Siaki back in - Skipper in, reversed into a drop toehold into the second rope - pressed up into a snap Samoan drop - cover - 1, 2, no. Tag to Estrada. Off the ropes, wacky backflip gets 2. Right, right, into the opposite corner, reversed, Estrada up and over but Skipper's waiting with a shot in the back. Meanwhile, Siaki takes fourth headset. Estrada backflips out of a death suplex attempt, gutshot, double underhook into the butterfly suplex, 1, 2, no. WOW Siaki is breathing heavily considering we're not two minutes into this match. Estrada with...well, hell, let's watch Siaki instead of the action. 1, 2, no. We watch Siaki some more. "I have three very important things in my life now - me, me - and me. What do you think about me, Don?" Estrada stands on the neck. Into the ropes, clothesline, Elvis pose. Tag to Siaki - kid to the buckle, kick, into the opposite corner, Siaki ducks, gutshot, scooped up on his shoulder - and drops to his knees, giving him a backbreaker. 1, 2, no. Stomp. Tag to Estrada. Siaki back to the headset as Estrada leaps into a nice split-legged moonsault. 1, 2, no! He decides to try again and only gets 1. Gutshot for Skipper - again - kick by Estrada, got him up on his shoulder - spun into a drop - 1, 2, Daniels breaks it up. Stomp, stomp, gutshot, into the ropes is reversed by Skipper - but Estrada dumps him on the apron when he runs in. "Sonny Siaki's been carrying this knucklehead on his shoulders the past two shows." Well, that's out of nowhere - notice also that he refers to himself in the third person...just like...hmmm. Right by Estrada - Skipper flips back into the ring to meet Estrada with a clothesline. Both men down - will we finally see Daniels in this match? Yes! Back elbow for Estrada, dropkick for Siaki, clothesline for Estrada, front face on Estrada, ducks Siaki's clothesline while holding him, back kick for Estrada, elbow for Estrada, running bulldog while clotheslining Siaki! Right, right, right, Estrada up from behind and there's a death suplex. All four men in - Skipper runs, uses Daniels for an all-fours boost, off Estrada's shoulders into a Frankensteiner on Siaki! Meanwhile, Daniels catches Estrade with a Blue Thunder powerbomb - 1, 2, no! Headbutt by Daniels, right, overhand right, into the ropes, reversed by Estrada, Siaki ankles him and Estrada dropkicks him in the face. Second rope, Elvis shake, legdrop - 1, 2, no! Tag to Siaki - held open for the gutshot. Chop by Siaki - chop - Daniels fights back - right for you, right for you, right for you, but Siaki plugs him to stop it. Standing on the neck. Free shot for Skipper to bring him in - he lands a forearm (which Siaki has to no-sell) before Johnson finally grabs him. Another gutshot by Siaki, tag to Estrada, right, right, opposite corner whip, Daniels steps aside and Estrada hits the corner. Daniels with an enzuigiri and both men are down! That guy with the "MY NAME IS CHAD" sign is REALLY bored with this match and REALLY wants you to see his sign - hey, I thought Chad was a lawyer-type guy on tOA who LIKED this kinda stuff! Johnson to seven - tags on both sides! Skipper right, right for Estrada, right for Siaki, back kick for Estrada, armdrag for Siaki, belly-to-belly, butterfly suplex, floats over, 1, 2, Estrada saves it. Tag for Estrada - Skipper's clothesline is ducked, and Estrada hits the blowout. Estrada flubs a springboard but improvises a forward roll senton - leg is hooked - Daniels saves at 2. "You fucked up" chant. Right by Skiper - back kick, tag to Daniels - back leg trip - double springboard moonsault!! 1, 2, Siaki breaks it up! Tag to Siaki - kick, into the opposite corner is reversed into a reverse Russian legsweep. Tag to Skipper - up top - missile dropkick! 1, 2, no. Into the ropes, reversed, gutshot by Siaki - pumphandle - overhead with the suplex - 1, 2, Daniels breaks it up. Daniels with a forearm, forearm, running at Estrada who sidesteps but Daniels manages an armdrag on his way out to take them *both* outside. Back in the ring, Skipper reverses into the Play of the Day, but Estrada is out, grabs the waistlock - we look outside and almost miss the German suplex attempt but Skipper backflips and lands on his feet anyway - Estrada with the Elvis move but Skipper is up from behind - gutshot - Play of the Day - cover - Johnson more interested in the outside action so no count for Skipper. Siaki sneaks in - gutshot on Skipper - variation of the Final Cut, which Tenay says is called "the Money Clip" - Siaki isn't legal but who the hell cares anymore - count it - 1, 2, 3. (9:49) *1/2 Post-match, THE DUPPS come out with very VERY obviously pre-cut boards - Siaki hightails it as Estrada takes one board shot, two board shot, and even Fluff breaks a board. Bouncy bouncy! Dry humpy dry humpy! Play their music! Johnson helps Estrada out as the Dupps do si do in the ring.

NWA Main Event - 19 July - Columbia, TN
NWA East - 19 July - KcKeesport, PA (KcKeesport?)
NWA Tri-State - 20 July - Parkersburg, WV
Visit www.nwawrestling.com
I guess I should mention that TEO has been let into one of the cages

Goldilocks has K-Krush backstage. What was the point? "You wanna know about some damn point? How about I start slapping you around, bitch?" Scott Hall enters the picture and runs Krush into the deadly garage door. "Two down...one to go"

THIS IS MEATBALL (4'5", 251 pounds) v. PUPPET THE PSYCHO DWARF (4'5", 160 pounds)
referee: NUMBER THREE
You know what...I think they're exaggerating his weight. There's a shopping cart full of catering next to the aisle - Tenay says Meatball made a raid prior to the show and man, he's really hungry. Meatball brings a bag of cheese doodles to the ring and that may be as funny as this gets - we'll see. Puppet with a trashcan to the head - that'll teach you to worry about how carefully you set down your bag of cheese doodles! Leg trip into a faceplant on the garbage can. Puppet grinds a boot in the face. 1, 2, no. Here, catch this can so I can dropkick it into you! Thanks! "Get up, fat boy!" Whip is reversed and Puppet goes out to the floor! Meatball with a double sledge off the apron to the floor. Scoop....and a slam onto the ramp! Meatball with a superfluous cartwheel (!) and then an elbow drop. Whip into the barricade. Puppet's at the grocery cart now. Meatball with ye olde pie in ye face. And now, a word from Beck: GET CRAZY WITH THE CHEEZ WHIZ! Tomato for Puppet. Got the pineapple...but Puppet hits him in the nuts to turn it back around. Tomato for Meatball. Big, big bag of flour. Crowd DEMANDS the watermelon - and Puppet gives it to Meatball. Head to the ramp and I think Puppet's turned it back around. Trashcan lid to the head. He's got a chair. "Please catch this so we can do the van Daminator spot twice in this match! THANKS!" Puppet puts the chair in the ring. Meatball thrown and rolled into the STEEL steps. Puppet climbing the steps. Tornado DDT onto the floor. 1, 2, NO! Tenay finally does me the honour of naming the third referee for us: Rudy Charles. Only took us five weeks! Puppet rams Meatball's head onto the apron. Man, the commentators actually have to RECYCLE their arsenal of fat jokes for Meatball. Meatball trying to get in the ring - Puppet meets him on the apron with a right, right, rakes him across the bottom rope, spanks him (TNA! TNA! TNA!) goes to the second rope and guillotines him with a chair underneath. He's not done! He drags him (and/or Meatball backwalks) into position - chair placed on top - Puppet with the sign - second floor - VADERBOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMB. 1, 2, 3. Thank God. (6:14) DUD

On his way out, Puppet gets a gander at TEO in the cage - but doesn't attack him - that feud will just have to wait, folks
NWA Hawaii - 20 July - ?? (I'll bet it's in HI)
NWA Mississippi - 20 July - Magee, MS
NWA ECCW - 20 July - North Vancouver, BC
Visit www.nwawrestling.com
Then TEO removes the TNA Girl's shirt and nearly gets her tit to pop out. Man, abusing women is FUNNY when it's a MIDGET doing it!

JASMINE ST. CLAIRE v. FRANCINE
referee: Johnson
- Poor Jasmine, her shirt is STILL all wet from that shower from well over half an hour ago - I guess she had nothing else to wear and no hair dryer or nothin'! Johnson and Borash fight to see who can part the ropes for her, yuk, yuk, yuk. "Francine - you started something in the back with me - and I'm out here - I'm gonna finish it off NOW! Get your scrawny ass to the ring NOW!" CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! You can watch Francine guide St. Claire - "grab me HERE, pull my top off HERE" - well there's a bra. The catfight...continues. There go St. Claire's boxers, revealing the thong. Francine STILL carries Ed Ferrara's belt. WHIP! Whip! And here comes BLUE MEANIE - she whips HIM, again - so Meanie grabs her and gives her a DDT. Let's call the match there. (DQ? No contest? 1:24) Ed Ferrara thinks it's a load of crap - many, many times, in fact. Meanie grabs St. Claire in his arms and takes her to the back. Meanwhile, the EMTs are out - hey I can see the bottoms of her boobies! Oh, sorry - this is a SERIOUS, SERIOUS situation and she's on the back board with the horse face - I mean, collar - Ed Ferrara is noticably somber...or at least attempting to give that impression with his acting. A single tear runs down Francine's cheek.....sniff..excuse me. I have to finish *masturbating*

Goldilocks has Low-Ki - but not for too long! "I'm sorry - I do my talking..." and we can't hear the rest 'cause he's too far away from the mic.

Low-Ki uses the dragon clutch - let's look at it here - it's a combination dragon sleeper/camel clutch!

Here is the Ki crusher '99, Low-Ki's version of the fishermanbuster, done Blue Thunder style

For A.J. Styles, you should look for the Styles Clash - a Tarantula into a face-first drop

He also uses the Spiral Tap - a corkscrew twister (legdrop? sentonbomb? "flying body attack?") from the top rope.

LOW-KI (#1 Contender - Brooklyn, New York - 210 pounds) v. A.J. STYLES (champion - Atlanta, Georgia - 224 pounds) for the X Division Championship of the World
referee: Armstrong
Let's go! Lockup, takedown by Ki, floatover - Styles reverses to a headlock - back up, armbar by Ki. Styles with a back leg trip to a headlock, 1, Ki floatsover - forearm from the mount, forarm, lefts and rights, Styles rolls it and HE throws rights from the mount. Back up - knee by Ki, knee, knee - chop! Chop by Styles. They look at each other but nobody applauds (ha)! In fact, it looks like everyone's busy watching "my name is Chad" FINALLY get tossed out of the building for being incredibly annoying. Crowd is turned way down. Knucklelock, no, Ki kicks the back of the leg. Styles kicks back. Ki kicks, Styles, repeat, repeat, the kicks are getting higher up the body, one more time, they kick at the same time and hurt each other's feet - Ki ducks the next kick and grabs a single leg trip, floating over to a headlock. Styles with a fireman's carry to counter. Right to the head. Now they won't even take the longshot because nobody opposite the camera is looking in the ring. How embarrassing! Styles with forearms from the mount. Ki slips out. Ki tries to snap a kick as Styles stands over him - finally connecting. Back up, double chop to the back - another - now back to the standard chop - another double chop to the back of the neck. Into the corner, Ki goes into the cartwheel but Styles has that scouted and dropkicks him. Kick by Styles, chop, into the ropes, dropkick complete with Holly-style celebrating. Kick by Styles - scoop - and drop - off the ropes with a forward somersault senton - 1, 2, no. Forearm in the back by Styles. Into the ropes is reversed and Ki drops down with a forward roll guillotine heel kick. Running kick connects and Styles is down on the apron. Ki grabs the hair - right by Styles, right - up the corner, but Ki kicks him off. Styles STILL on the apron - Ki wants to suplex him back in - but Styles blocks - grabs HIM onto the apron - Styles spins with a clothesline and connects - wants the Asai moonsault but Ki's outta there! Ki with a running kick, chop, puts his head on the apron but Styles blocks - Ki's head to the apron - chop - Styles back in - tries to go through the ropes but flubs it - no matter, though, as Ki stops him with a roundhouse kick from the floor! Ki on the apron with a chop - Styles chops back - I punch you, you chop me, I kick you, you kick me, Ki reverses the suplex attempt into a dragon sleeper and body scissors using the ropes - has to break at 4, and pulls him in for the cover - 1, 2, no! Ki kicks Styles square in the back. Dragon sleeper reapplied. Styles grabs the top rope - then throws a forearm behind him to break the hold. Ki with a forearm in the back, Styles with a chop - moonsault lands behind Ki - and Styles hits the DDT. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no. Chop by Styles. Into the opposite corner...Ki gets the superkick up as he comes in. Ki runs at Styles - and runs into a powerslam. 1, 2, no! Both men stay down a spell. Styles up first - picks him up - half hour suplex coming up - make that a brainbuster! Styles slow to cover - hooks the leg eventually - 1, 2, no! Styles with a big right hand. Ki whipped into the corner...Ki steps aside and Styles rams the post. Ki sets him up the second rope and climbs up - Styles tries to block - Ki with headbutts and a punch - yet Styles STILL throws him off. Spiral Tap attempted - and he MISSES! Ki tries to take advantage - but only gets 2. Ki makes the signal - Ki Crusher '99 coming up - but after getting him on his shoulders, he rams him into the top turnbuckle instead. Holding him WAY too long...sure enough, Styles manages to find a way to reverse it into a DDT! While they sit there, let's take a replay. Armstrong is up to 7 by the time they get up. Styles with an uppercut. Ki whipped, reversal, tumbling run into the cartwheel kick by Ki! Crowd is still watching anything in this building except the match. Ki climbing to the top soooo sloooooowly - trying a corkscrew moonsault but Styles catches his legs on his shoulders - steps in and hits the Styles Clash! 1, 2, 3! Champ retains! (10:36) **3/4 Styles looks thrilled about the audience having their backs to him. Styles all the way back up the ramp to unleash a might cry - hey, there's JERRY LYNN with a spear that upends Styles! Lynn throws the belt at him - now runs him into the ring - PILEDRIVER!! Stomp. Lynn back outside and going under the ring for the ladder. Ladder positioned in the corner - stomp for Styles - and here's a belly-to-belly suplex into the ladder. Mount, seven rights - front suplex onto the ladder. Stomp. Stomp. Crowd is chanting "Jerry" WAY too loud here. Legdrop. "C'mon, punk! You WILL respect me, punk!" Stomp. I get it - Lynn is The Undertaker! Lynn finally leaves the ring. Styles almost gets up (which says a lot about the damage piledrivers do in this day and age, I suppose) - hey, Lynn's back out! Stomp, stomp, stomp, DDT on the ladder! Armstrong and Charles are having practically no luck getting Lynn out of there. Many punches - I think he's pulling some hair out or maybe that's the claw or...hell, I don't know. Hey THERE'S that cradle piledriver! Back to that "I am holding my hand in this position and believe me, it really hurts" move. And now Lynn takes off...again. I wonder if he'll come back!

Commentators make some more noise. How can these two team up next week? Only ten bucks will buy you the answer! Also, next week's world heavyweight title match between Ken Shamrock and Sabu will now have some stips - Sabu wants a ladder (Sabu speaks the English?) and Shamrock said sure, but he wants submissions to count as well. So there you go. Hey, there'll be an X Division match as well!

NWA Wildside - 20 July - Cornlia, GA
NWA CWF - 21 July - Winnepeg, MB (Winnepeg?)
NWA CWF - 22 July - Churchill, MB
Visit www.nwawrestling.com

BRIAN LAWLER (Memphis, Tennessee - 242 pounds) v. SCOTT HALL (Miami, Florida - 252 pounds)
referee: Johnson
Hmm, I think Lawler's got something to say about people not wrestling in this federation! "Excuse me - if I can get everybody in here to sit down for a second...and shut their mouths, okay? I thought I told you people *last* week that I am no longer 'Jerry's kid' - I am my own man! Hey, if I'm not mistaken I said sit down and shut up. Hold this. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'm gonna take a quick second right here to give you people a few Jerry Lawler facts. You know, you always want to - you always want to bring his name up - you always want to talk about Jerry Lawler. I'll tell you have facts I have about The King. Fact number one. Did you know that Jerry Lawler has been married THREE times? That's right. He's been married three times and all three times his wife was younger than me." Commentators try to figure out how his own mother could be older than... "No, you don't applaud that! That, my friends, is sickening! Hey - hey, listen to this one - listen to number two. Tonight, and this is A SHOOT! Tonight, I left a ticket for Jerry Lawler to come down here, sit in the crowd and watch his son wrestle. But you know what? He's not here. I forgot - every Wednesday night he likes to hang out at the local high school with a fistful of candies. That makes me sick to my stomach! Hey - listen to this one - number three. This one involves Jerry Lawler, Jim Ross, and Vince McMahon. Listen to this one..." Well, damn, just when he was about to SHOOT, Hall's music starts up. "Hey, ah, ah, ah, ah, no. I'm not through - I'm not through, kill that music. Cut that music. I don't want to hear Scott Hall's music and I don't want to see his stinkin' face. YOU people listen to me. Now like I was saying oh, oh, oh you think Scott Hall is coming out here so everyone wants to clap..." at this point Hall enters the ring behind him. Borash makes with the bug eyes. "...everybody wants to cheer - everbody loves THE BAD GUY - everybody loves RAZOR, or whatever you wanta call him. Well, let me tell you something - let me tell you what I think about Scott Hall. Nah, you know what - what I think about him, let me tell you what I know about him - oh, Scott Hall, what they call him - Last Call Scott Hall - 'cause he's always (makes drinky drinky motion) oh he's the last one to leave the bar - boozing it up... getting that last one in. Hey, I got more to tell ya about Scott Hall. You want me to what? What? What does this (draws a halo) mean you bunch of morons? Huh? Oh, it's not the rodeo. Huh? Ya bunch of hillbillies. I don't go to rodeos. I tell you what I DO do. I kick some ass. I am a legitimate, bonafide, certified asskicker. Hey, and if anybody doubts me, you're more than welcome to step up in the ring right here and get you some of this bad boy right heeeeeeeeeeeeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I don't see anybody getting in here. Anybody over here? C'mon down, huh? That's what I thought. A buncha talk. Well I tell you what - how about over here?" FINALLY he turns Hall's way and eats a right hand - that was the LONGEST TWO AND A HALF MINUTES IN SPORTS and that INCLUDES all them horse races! Still, could have been worse - they could have put another two and a half into this match, right? Ah ha ha. Right by Hall, right, right, into the ropes, Lawler hooks the ropes and gives a highly audible "fuck you" to Hall - climbs out but Hall kicks the ropes to crotch him, then gives him the uppercut to the floor. "Me me me" dance! Hall out after him - Lawler into the barricade - Lawler onto the commentator table - Hall right, right, right, right, Blowout into the commentator table - so many moves to choose from, Hall with a...right. Lawler whipped into the barricade. Stomp, right, right, Lawler rolled into the ring, Hall back in, Lawler back out, Hall back out - the chase (such as it is) is on - up to the ramp - Hall with a (wait for it) right. Lawler down, Lawler up, Hall with a....right. THIS IS OUR MAIN EVENT! Hall with a (yes) right hand. Lawler goes into the crowd and comes up with a purse to take control. Another purse shot. Well, I've seen everything now. Lawler right, right, head to the post. Hall rolled into the ring and Lawler follows. "Jerry's Kid" chant and Lawler makes a comical face in response. Right hand by Lawler - right hand. Lawler spits his gum in the crowd, which incites them. Two handfuls of hair - Hall rammed into the top turnbuckle. Lawler up to the second rope - right, right, right, gnoshes on the cranium. Lawler stokes the crowd a bit more. Gutshot, gutshot, double leg, got both legs...and headbutts the lower abdomen - pointing to his own abdomen to prove to Johnson that that's really what he just did. Suplex coming up - but first, a middle finger for the crowd - suplex, floatover, 1, 2, Hall kicks out. Hall whipped into the corner. Lawler drives his shoulder into the gut, again, make it three, uppercut - and Hall checks his teeth. Lawler chokes Hall on the second rope and adds a hairpull for effect. Lawler slides under and connects with a Boss Man uppercut outside the ring. Lawler asks for the mic. "Anybody out there sayin' 'Jerry's Kid' can kiss Jerry's kid's ass!" Back in the ring and there's a right hand. Right. Hall bounces off the ropes and comes back with a right. Lawler right, Hall right. Lawler right, Hall right, Hall with a discus right but Lawler ducks - and hits a superkick. Lawler goes for the goggles - why? He's just gonna take them off in anger after climbing to the top, right? But before he gets there, Hall beals him back in! Right, right, into the ropes, Lawler ducks the clothesline but makes the cardinal error of attempting a crossbody block - so Hall catches him for a fallaway slam! Hall puts Lawler on top and climbs to the second rope - DEATH SUPERPLEX! I think Hall wants to let us know that that's it! Edge coming up - Hall keeps him there a really, really long time - which can only mean it's run-in time - sure enough, Lawler escapes as K-KRUSH is out - HE gets a right, right, right and goes back outside - ducks a clothesline from Lawler - gutshot - scooped up for the Edge - wrong side to the camera but he HITS it! 1, 2, 3! (8:17) *1/2 Krush is back in - Hall meets him with a (guess) right - Hall's gonna give HIM the Edge but Lawler manages to sneak behind for an uppernut - sorry, THREE uppernuts - and Hall crumples to the canvas. Krush takes off his deadly, deadly belt - he and Lawler give Hall a crotchin' and bounce him a bit. Forearm in the back from Lawler - and now Krush is going to hang *Hall* with the belt. Hall spits RIGHT on the camera - lovely. Lawler tosses Johnson - now TNA SECURITY is out, along with BULLET BOB ARMSTRONG & DON HARRIS - Krush and Lawler and taken off but the damage is done. Here come the EMTs one more time. Poor K-Krush forgot his belt! Hall actually gets to his feet to WALK to the gurney (HAAAA ha ha ha) but gets the ride to the back. Credits are up - oh, wait, JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET is dressed as a paramedic and he's got a chair. Poor Mike Tenay: "Paramedic, my ass! That's Jeff Jarrett!" Chairs for every Security member dumb enough to show his face - and of course, plenty for Hall. He threatens to take out the cameraman - and that's our cue to fade to black.

How come every time the swearing goes up, the workrate goes down? HMMMM