SNOWFLAKES: Latest star rating comparisons for NWA TNA will always be available at http://slashwrestling.com/monday/nwatna.snowflakes! OK!

Same ad they ALWAYS play - "last month" seems so long ago - hell, Ken Shamrock will probably seem long ago pretty soon...man, these guys GOTTA try to scrape up enough money to make a new ad

Let Us Take You Back to Last Week when Ron "The Truth" Killings pinned Ken Shamrock to become the NEW World Heavyweight Championship - THIS is the moment of Truth!

Opening Credits

This is NWA Total Nonstop Action #9, coming to you LIVE on pay-per-view 14.8.2 from the Barn in Nashville, TN! Let's waste (ha) no more time...

RON "THE TRUTH" KILLINGS is welcomed to the ring to say a few words. Sign in crowd (paraphrased): "THE TRUTH IS YOUR [SPELLING'S] A BITCH." Hey, and those guys had a whole *week* to look it up! I'd hate to draw any conclusions about Tennesseans in general from this one example, but...and they're FAT, too! Tenay puts things in perspective by telling us that since 1948, less than three dozen men have held the NWA World Heavyweight Championship - and here's one of them. "You know what? Last week, you wanted the truth - and now you got the truth. From this point forward, you all are in MY house! MY house is called the TNA Asylum - like it or not. Last week was a additive (?) of my thirty years of life on this planet - and you know what happened? I became a damned legend. You know, I came to the NWA a very very bitter man. And with reason to be a very bitter man! I wasn't sure that I was gonna get the opportunity that I was supposed to get. I wasn't sure that NWA would play the book how it was supposed to be played. My whole life, the colour of my skin has always made it more difficult for me to compete. You ask me why? You ask me how? I give you a good damn example. You all know me from the World Wrestling Federation. All right - try this on for size. I was told - The Truth was told - by a senior official that I could not make the same mistakes that everybody else make - why? Because I am a black man in a white man's word - now how does that shit taste to you?" Ferrara grinds his axe: "Not too many senior officials in that organisation..." "You think about it yourself - if somebody said that to you, or to one of your children, how would it make you feel? I am a black man in a MAN'S world. So from this point forward, you take a good look at me - I *am* a damn legend. You axe me 'well Truth, is there still prejudice in the world today?' You damn right. I don't care what colour you are - you all are always hit with prejudiced shit here and there - but you know what? We all get a opportunity at one point in time or another - it's up to what you do with that opportunity is what makes it all good, am I right or wrong? When I am given a opportunity, I'm gonna do what I do best - and that's knock the dust offa somebody's stankin' ass. Being here in NWA TNA, it was a blessing in disguise. But now that I'm here, and now that I am the NWA World Heavyweight Champion! ... my father told me a long time ago never give up on your dreams, because when you do, a part of you will die along with it." Well this is a curious place for JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET to interrupt, but there he is. These two team up later tonight! "All right, Walt Disney. Put your dreams away, 'cause you're lookin' at your worst nightmare! Now I can't believe some of the bullshit comin' outta your mouth tonight. The only reason you're standin' there and I'm standin' here is as plain as the colour of my skin. Just like I said last week, Ron - what we have here is a case of reverse discrimination." "Reverse discrimination?! The only son of a bitch left standin' in this ring with their hands raised was ME! Ain't no reverse discrimination here, Jeff." "Now Truth, I'm not denyin' the fact that you beat Ken Shamrock. I'm not denyin' the fact that you are the new NWA World Heavyweight Champion. Where the difference lies is this simple - you were given the opportunity, you were given the chance - I've been robbed week after week after week. So Truth, all I'm askin' you for, tonight, is that chance, that opportunity - give me the chance, the opportunity that I deserve at the NWA World Heavyweight title." "You know what, Jeff? When I came to NWA TNA, you and I became good friends - very good friends. You know and I know what goes on behind those curtains and inside this ring is business - so Jeff Jarrett, the only thing keepin' me from whippin' a buddy's ass is air and opportunity. You ask me, does this NWA belt mean anything to me? Is it personal? You damn right it's personal - so if this what you want, bring yo ass to the ring and come and get it." Here he comes - but now Steamboat's music hits and - well, no, it's BILL BEHRENS. I guess they couldn't afford Steamboat this week. He's accompanied by BULLET BOB ARMSTRONG, D(OTS)ON HARRIS & TNA SECURITY - and also a hat. Behrens makes the "cut it" hand motion. "Now *that's* an entrance. There's a new sheriff in town, Jarrett, and you're lookin' at him. Bad Boy Billy Behrens. And listen here slapnuts, I'm back, and I'm back with a vengeance. Now I'll tell you what - kick my ass once, shame on you - but kick my ass twice, shame on YOU. Now slippy, slappy, scrappy...I just wanted to let you know a little bit here, Ricky Steamboat can't be here tonight...but good news, you're lookin' at the man in charge. Yep! And all tell you right now, you and The Truth can brawl all over this building for all I care...you can go into the concession area, you can go everywhere, but I'll tell ya right now, it won't be sanctioned by the National Wrestling Alliance. And, if you do the match, I don't care what you do, but it's not gonna be for the World Heavyweight title. So you know what? Roll that around in your little peabrain, slippy slappy slap stuff." "Behrens, the only thing that I'm gonna roll is your ass all over this damn building." Security blocks the way...but before the standoff escalates, BRIAN LAWLER pops Jarrett from behind! Now, you may be thinking this doesn't make sense...to which I respond, "you're only thinking this NOW?" Lawler takes him all the way around the ring and leaves him on the ramp. Lawler goes for a chair - but a fan holds it tight and Lawler is unable to yank it from his grasp. Oh, man, this is *embarrassing*. Finally, Security decides they'd better not just stand around looking like idiots - especially when the fan is getting the better of Lawler in this struggle for the chair - now Jarrett is up - now they're separated - now Jarrett is running back at him - OH MAN, HE ALMOST BROKE BULLET BOB'S GLASSES!! Lawler says "I know it was you, Jarrett! Nobody does that to me!" about a dozen times and the commentators repeat it...this is what we in the business call "a tease" - or "don't expect it to make sense later, either"

Your hosts are ASK MIKE TENAY, DON WEST DOT ORG and VINCE RUSSO'S FRIEND. Isn't TNA wild and unpredictable? Sometimes they even have wrestling matches! Ferrara hypes...an interview segment. Oy. Also, tag titles on the line as Styles & Lynn meet Jarrett & Killings - X title on the line as Low-Ki meets all three Flying Elvises - and this match!

KID KASH (Detroit, Michigan - 212 pounds) and SHARK BOY (Twenty thousand leagues under the sea - no weight announced) and SLIM J (Detroit, Michigan - 191 pounds) v. SPANISH ANNOUNCE TEAM (Brooklyn, New York - 612 pounds) in a six man tag
referee: SCOTT ARMSTRONG
The first two guys you may have seen in WCW; the third guy is new to me but our resident researcher Mr. JF says he might just have the most poorly designed homemade website you've even seen. Read his poetry! Just 17, J looks to be trying to emulate another famous Slim - I'll leave it to you to figure it out (okay, Shady). Also, he must be worried his dick is gonna fall off, 'cause he just keeps HOLDING that hand there. And team number two we saw last week. Okay! It'll be Kash starting with Jose. Lockup, arm wringer by Kash, yank on it, reversed, to a hammerlock, standing switch by Kash to a full nelson, geez they're just running laps around each other - this isn't mat wrestling! Finally, Kash connects with some back elbows, off the ropes, up and over, ducks, off the ropes, dueling hiplocks and Kash connects, Maximo kicks him away, Kash ducks, armdrag by Kash, hiplock by Maximo, Kash kicks him away, armdrag by Kash, armdrag by Maximo, armdrag by Kash, armdrag by Maximo, both men up - Kash slaps. Maximo slaps back. Maximo offers the Hand of Friendship...Kash flips him off. Well, it beats the Indy Respect Spot anyway. Joel gets the tag - runs right into the drop toehold - Kash floats into the side headlock - up - powered out - shoulderblock by Kash - up and over, leapfrog by Maximo, big monkey flip and Kash ALMOST stops and lands on his head but doesn't - right, chop, into the ropes, reversed, reversed, Kash hooks the ropes - Maximo runs at him but Kash dumps him on the outside (Joel was supposed to land on the apron, almost twists his ankle in the process) - Maximo back up - boot through the ropes by Kash - springboard dropkick puts him on the floor - Kash with a slingshot to the huracanrana on the floor! I guess this is lucha rules - Shark Boy and Jose are in - rights exchanged, gutshot by Shark Boy, right, into the ropes, Maximo over, ducks and keeps running into a tope suicida onto his brother and Kash on the floor! Shark Boy says "oh we're doing that now?" and somersault planchas onto Joel. Red and J in the ring - J ducks, gutshot, whip is reversed, leapfrog by Red, drops down, chop is ducked, whip is reversed, Red tries a hiplock but it's blocked - J with a gutshot and twists into a head scissors. J climbs up top and moonsaults to the floor to take out the Maximos and Shark Boy (and almost conks his jaw on the apron on the way down)! Now everybody gathers for the next leap from the ring...it's Red with a tope con hilo. Kash is left in the ring - he makes the international "me too" sign - springboard off the top with a somersault cannonball. Kash with Joel - head to the apron, chop, eyepoke, put back in...slingshot into the guillotine - 1, 2, no. Kash to the headlock - now pulling back on Maximo's arms with his legs - and clawing the face in the process. Right, right, right, right. Tag to J. Kash with a front slam - J off the ropes - Kash slams J onto Maximo. J grabs his balls - tries the running twisting backflip and ends up finding nothing. Torture Rack by Maximo - Jose in with two boots to J - Red to the top - HE hits two boots, then runs into Kash (wanted a 'rana but flames out). Joel stomps. Surfboard coming up - Shark Boy runs into a drop toehold onto Jose and Joel grabs HIM in a Boston crab while still having J in the surfboard - now Jose sits on J with a camel clutch - nobody submits out of this, so Red comes off the ropes with a dropkick to J's face as well. Schiavone - I'll give you a hundred dollars to tell me who the legal men are right now. J covered - 1, 2, no. Tag to Red (well, there's one) - open shot. Right by Red, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, J eats a boot coming in - Red dives and misses, J off the top with a flying kick - tag to Kash - scoop...and a slam - Kash upends J into a backflip press. Piledriver - no, check that - Kash holds his legs back for the submission - then powerbombs him - then drops an elbow. Of course, Red kicks out at 2. Open-handed slap by Kash - whip is reversed, Kash puts Red on the apron - Red slaps - Red up top - Kash sprints to the corner and pulls him to the top rope - fighting for position and I'm uneasy - well, Kash slips but still manages to superplex him - 1, 2, Jose breaks it up. Tag to J - snapmares Red over - climbs up his back to kick him in the back of the head - top rope - grabs his balls - going for the... 420? (Tenay: "phoenix splash") Oh, phoenix splash but misses it. What the hell, let's bring all six man in the ring - where's Katie, I need her to bar the door. Everybody paired off in a corner - SATs with a triple whip and the opposition collides in the centre. J and Shark Boy go outside - Kash left with Joel - chop, into the ropes, head down, kick by Kash - runs to the ropes, stairsteps up, double springboard 'rana! Off the ropes, swinging DDT - cover - 1, Red breaks it up. Kash whipped, no, reversed, boot up by Red, second rope swinging inverted DDT - 1, 2, Shark Boy breaks it up - Shark Boy put in the corner - boot up by Shark Boy - on the second rope - blockbuster ("explosion") on Red - 1, 2, Jose breaks it up! Shark Boy tossed. Kash back in - Red into the ropes, Red ducks, Kash ducks, Kash gutshot, double underhook...brought up - piledriver down (Tenay: "brainbuster" - haha, can't call it a piledriver in Tennessee, right, Tenay?) - at any rate, Jose hits a top rope guillotine to break it up. J in the ring - flying headscissors blocked, but J says "hey it's my turn to hit a move" and gives him a neckbreaker. Five men in the ring - Shark Boy whipped into the corner, where he crotches J. Joel gives Shark Boy a version of the Vertebraeker, then the Maximos climb up top to give J the Spanish Fly! Now Red climbs up top - Infra-Red! 1, 2, 3! (10:38) **3/4

TNA GRRLZ dance. Here's the crawl!
NWA CWF - 14-15 August - Big Trout Lake, ON
NWA Tri-State - 16 August - Fairmont, WV
NWA Wildside - 16 August - Cornelia, GA
NWA East - 16 August - McKeesport, PA
Visit www.nwawrestling.com

Ferrara sends it to Jeremy Borash, so we go backstage to GOLDYLOCKS with the Dupps. They keep calling Disco Inferno "Crisco," which is probably supposed to be funny. Then she uses the mic to hit him in the "jujube." They're standing in front of an outhouse (make your own joke - why should I have all the fun?) Just like on "MTB," where they got that show "Cribs," they thought they'd start their own show and call it "Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeters." They've preserved Grandma's last dump for five years for a special occasion. A comparison is made to the chocolate at Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory but I'm already moving on, folks

MISS BRUCE TNA hits the ring, removes his wig, but puts the tiara back on. He's got the stick! "Thank you, thank you very much. I wanna say that I love all you people - and you guys have made my title reign so beautiful, I just wanna thank you, I love you all. But more importantly, what I have beneath this gown makes me more woman than any woman in the world - including your wife, Mike Tenay, and including any of you hosebags in this arena. But, you hosebags, you can only dreeeeeeam of having my beauty. You can only dreeeeeeeeam of having my poise - and my grace. And right now at this very moment, all the married men around the world - you - and all the married men sittin' here (including Mike Tenay) are secretly fantasizing about what they could do to Miss TNA given the opportunity. Because, Miss TNA Bruce - I am just too psssssssss hot. But enough about Miss TNA - I have a proposition for you women in the crowd tonight. For any of you hosebags, you fat cows that could come into this ring and pin Bruce, thus taking my Miss TNA crown, Jeremy, I will officially write them a check for $5000. Now I understand that is probably more than any of you hussies make on a street corner here in Nashville on any given night, but are they any takers? Any of you fat hogs wanna step up and take the Miss TNA challenge? Which one of you fat hogs...want a piece of Miss TNA? What about you, lady? You have to have more than one tooth to fight Miss TNA! She's not a woman! What about you, you fat sow? You want some of Miss TNA? What about you, old grandma? I'm not afraid to slap an old lady. Are you tough? Jeremy, if that is a woman...get her up here, is that a woman, get her up here. If she's a woman, get her in the ring. She's a - check her first, see if she's a woman. She's a little stout to be a woman, Jeremy." JEREMY BORASH provides the "waiver" for her to sign. You know, this was so much better with Andy Kaufman...sorry, sorry, I didn't give this a CHANCE. "Make her sign a waiver, Jeremy, 'cause I'm gonna knock her teeth out." Oh, boy, let's go.

BRUCE v. SOME FAT CHICK FROM THE CROWD for the Miss TNA title
referee: RUDY CHARLES
Bruce dillys adjusting his garter - so she runs at him with a half spear/half uranage. Scoop...and a slam. Off the ropes with a legdrop! Pulls him to the centre - clubbing forearm in the back. Bruce tries to escape - she pulls him back. Run to the ropes and tossed over to the floor! Out after him - scoop...and a slam on the floor. Bruce rolled back in. Pulled back to the centre once again - scoop...and another slam. Going for another scoop - but Bruce manages a small package and a 1, 2, 3. (1:52) Yes, she WAS wearing a thong! Thanks for asking!

Backstage, Goldylocks interviews Jeff Jarrett - this is *supposed* to be happening now, except I'm *pretty* sure they're not playing POD's "Alive" over the PA. Jarrett says he didn't do anything to Brian Lawler and doesn't know what's up his ass. He's not friends with Killings, he's been forced into this match, he's gonna stay on him until he gets the world heavyweight title. Then he invites her into the men's room, where he goes into a stall and pulls out Bill Behrens (pants around ankles, hat on) - shoves him into the wall. "You try to upstage me one more time, you're gonna BE part of this damn wall." As he leaves, Low-Ki enters - brief staredown. "Kojak, you got a problem? Get the hell out of my way!" We follow him just long enough to catch Bo Dupp run into Teo. "You just bump into me? I guess we'll settle this in the ring."

THIS IS MALICE (representing Disciples of the New Church - with Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) v. DON HARRIS (head of TNA Security) in a Last Man Standing match
referee: Armstrong
Malice is alone tonight - everyone else has been either "barred from the building" (storyline) or "barred from receiving a paycheque this week" (reality). Harris wears his "Not the Nazi logo, I *swear*" "SS" tank top. Harris hits the ring and Malice punches, right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Boss Man slam by Harris. Harris grabs the chair in the ring - WHACK! Harris got fifteen stitches from his cut last week - I STILL don't know how he got it. Fans request another chair shot - Harris obliges. Armstrong starts the count. Malice makes it up after seven, but pulls something out of his tights - ahh, the good ol' baby powder/salt/whatever. Right by Malice, chop, gutshot, another kick, right, clothesline takes Harris outside. Malice grabs a chair and goes out after him...loads up another batch of powder - tossed at Harris - then whacks him with the chair (Harris, the "blind man," still manages to put his hands up on the chairshot. Hmmm) Malice with a kick. Forearm in the back, into the barricade, into another barricade, back to the first barricade, right, they're going up the ramp, right by Malice, off the stage into an unwitting fan (damn, babe, don't turn your back when they're that close) - Malice under the ring and grabbing a chain...but doesn't get to use it as Harris runs him over with a clothesline. Harris grabs the chain and chokes Malice. There's a chain clothesline. Armstrong starts a count - Malice starts crawling at 3 - Harris goes under the ring and finds a table. Right, right, in the ring. In the ring, Malice with a forearm in the back, right, right, right, grabs a chair, swing and a miss, Harris with a big boot to the chair to Malice's face. Harris sets up the table. Malice is bleeding, I forgot to mention. Table collapses on its own - Harris tries to stand it back up and succeeds. Commentators say *Malice* brought in the table - umm, no he didn't. But then, they're also trying hard to give us the hard sell that Malice just isn't the same without Mitchell at ringside, so there's probably a lot they're trying to remember to sell. Of course, it'd help if it were something I'd BUY, but... okay, something's finally happening. Harris with a right, right, into the ropes, reversed, gutshot by Malice, going for a powerbomb and does (not through the table). Armstrong starts that count...Malice picks him up before Armstrong gets to 4. He wants the chokeslam - Harris elbows out of the attempt, then gives him a DDT. BOTH men are down. Malice up before 3. Boot to Harris' head. Head to the buckle. Sat on top - clubbing forearm in the back, again, climbs up after him - second rope - death superplex through the table! Of course, it was mostly all Malice going through the table....Armstrong putting on the count and nobody's up - both men stirring at 8 - pulling themselves up by the ropes- Malice can't, Harris can. Guess that's it for Malice's big push when the *Security Guy* beats you. (Boeing 7:07) Malice is up...Harris offers the Fist of Friendship! Malice gives him the Wonder Twin Powers salute!! OH MY!

Backstage, Goldylocks (third outfit) is again with the Dupps...in case we haven't had enough from them. For an encore, we learn that Stan has a fear of midgets. Oh, I see - Goldy's wearing her Puppet shirt so Stan can recoil in fear from it! THIS IS FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!! Bo promises to do all the rasslin' and all Stan has to do is sit with the commentators. "Biscuits and gravy and hush puppies!"

TEO (112 pounds) v. BO DUPP (Kentucky - 272 pounds - with Stan Dupp) for the Dupp Cupp
referee: Charles
Tenay at least has the good sense to lay out and let Don West handle commentary for this match. Stan has a pre-cut board, by the way. Teo crotches Dupp on the middle rope, then gives Borash (who is sitting in a corner - I guess the camera missed something) a Vaderbomb headbutt to the nuts for the early 2 1/2 point lead. Teo with a tray from the crowd. Chair to the head. Teo has horsey-poo...Bo pulls down his pants because he likes it - so Teo pulls up and crotches him with it instead. No points awarded there. Stan in picture-in-picture...until Teo chases him around the ring. West reminds them that Stan screaming like a pussy means they go down five points so now it's 4 1/2 to -5. Teo has a drink from a fan - off the ropes - big (medium) boot by Bo. Standing frog splash! Bo outside, grabbing a pan from the crowd, a toilet seat (who brings a toilet seat?) and a chair. Pan to the head - toilet seat to the head - chair wrapped around his head. Bo asks for the board - no, tells him to give it to a fan, then takes it back from him. Bo puts the board in a corner, then whips Teo into it - sure enough it cleaves along the mark. Bo directs Stan to goose West - that'll bring it to 4 1/2 to 2 1/2. Stan goes for Sarah the ticket lady - I think we saw this last week. Sure enough, she's out with a broom and chasing him back to ringside. Teo tossed outside. Up to the stage...but wouldn't you know it, PUPPET is in the outhouse - kendo stick to Dupp, stick, and Teo puts his head in the toilet. Well, Teo's only got eight points, but hell - who ever said TNA was about continuity? The match stops and Teo is announced as the winner. (4:26) Puppet chases Stan off....wait! I thought Puppet HATED all midgets!

Coming up - Monty Brown takes on Elix Skipper in a Detroit street fight! Low-Ki defends the X title in an elimination match! Also that big big tag... also - INTERVIEWS!!
RWF - 16 August - Memphis, TN
NWA Wildside - 17 August - Cornelia, GA
NWA Mississippi - 17 August - Magee, MS
NWA Main Event - 17 August - Columbia, TN

Let Us Take You Back 3 Weeks where Brown and Skipper defeated Simon & Swinger...but Skipper turned on Brown to Truth could choke him with his chain...wait, I thought Truth was a GOOD guy now - wait, I thought Mark Johnson had a JOB

Let Us Take You Back 2 Weeks where Monty Brown took it to Elix Skipper

Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Elix Skipper had some fun with Monty Brown and some yellow paint - I wonder if Truth knows about Skipper calling it HIS house

Detroit Street Fight
PRIME TIME ELIX SKIPPER (212 pounds) v. THE ALPHA MALE MONTY BROWN (Detroit, Michigan)
referee: Armstrong
"Monty Brown, this is...MY house! As far as I'm concerned, you don't even belong in here - I didn't give you permission to come out here! So I'm BEGGING you to bring your chickenshit out here so I can throw you outta those damn doors!" Skipper heads up the ramp to try to get the jump on Brown, but he choses the wrong entryway. Brown from behind. Mount, right, right, right, right, right, shoved down the ramp - right, right, Skipper right, Brown right, right, scooped up...and pressed between the ropes. Brown in the ring - stomp, stomp, stomp. Brown with a shout for the crowd. Chokes him with his shirt - takes him over the top rope and hangs him! Brown plays to the crowd...he's intense! Brown posed but Skipper has a chain wrapped around his fist - and drives it into his gut as Brown leaps to the floor! Skipper with a chain choke, preventing Brown from grabbing a garbage can. Umm, that's a poor camera angle if you don't want me to see Brown holding the chain away from his neck. Into the barricade. Skipper tosses various artifacts into the ring while Brown tries to regain his breath. STOP sign in, chain, can, can, Brown with a right hand. Stomp, stomp, Skipper rolled into the ring, Brown with a garbage can lid - threw it too far - Skipper catches it - WHACK! WHACK! To the gut - again - WHACK! Winds up and catches him in the chest. 1, 2, Brown powers out with authority. Skipper puts a can in place - Brown up, right, forearm in the back, into the ropes, Brown dives and Skipper ducks with the Matrix - Brown lands on the trash can and rolls outside. Skipper outside - can to the body. Skipper back in the ring - twisting pescado onto the can onto Brown! Skipper covers on the floor - 1, 2, Brown JUST shoots the arm up! Brown into the ring, Skipper follows and grabs the STOP sign - to the head. Skipper runs again - Brown punches the sign into Skipper's head! Hopefully he didn't break his hand there. Gutshot - on the shoulder - spun into a uranage - that's the "Alphalution!" Brown sets up a can - forearm in the back - scooped up - Alphabomb on the can! That's all I wrote, except this: 1, 2, 3. (5:43) *1/2

Backstage, Goldylocks (fourth outfit) has the Elvises. Estrada and Yang are wearing black armbands to commemorate the 25th anniversary of Elvis' death. Siaki, who's keeping his back to the the other three, doesn't have one. Yang displays his "WWKD (What Would King Do?)" armband. Siaki interrupts, reminding us that King died sitting on the toilet taking a dump reading a Burger King flyer. "Nuff said." Man, it's really distracting hearing the sounds of people *setting up the ring* while this is going on/was taped. Elvis was a pizza buffet eating, pill popper whose daughter has been married more times than Elvis would be rolling in his grave...if only the fatass could roll over. A much better guy to idloise is...well, you can probably figure it out. "Sonny Siaki" count: seven

LO-KI (champion - Brooklyn, New York) v. FLYING ELVISES (Memphis, Tennessee) in an elimination match for the X Championship
referee: Charles
Anybody seen the former #2 contender Christopher Daniels, former #4 contender Kid Romeo, and former #5 contender Tony Mamaluke? Wow, thank God they had that rankings match early on, eh? On their way to the ring, Siaki walks right past Yang and Estrada in mid-pose, leading the other two to make lots of "what's up with him" hand motions. Siaki demands to start against Ki - all right, I give up, they seem set on "Lo-Ki" so I won't spell it "Low-Ki" anymore (for now) - and Yang and Estrada head to corners. Why would you want to take the chance on being eliminated first? Lockup...to the corner...clean break - no, Siaki tosses him out - but he lands on his feet. Lockup, Siaki shoves him down - but Ki kicks from his back. Chop, chop, whip ain't happening as Siaki hooks the rope - Siaki swings and misses, Ki drops down and connects with the kappou kick. Going for the tidal crush in the corner but Siaki catches him and powerbombs him down. Cover - 1, out at 2. Siaki stomps, stomp, Estrada tags himself in - running backflip press - 1, 2, no. Chop! Chop! Pose - but Ki is monkeying up - chop! Chop! Chop! Right hand, into the ropes is reversed by Estrada and Ki's up on the shoulders - there's a forward roll ("trip to Graceland") and a quebrada - but Estrada hits the knees! Ki winds up for the kick - kick - monkeys up - KICK! West tries not to sound contrived when he says "I've noticed that Lo-Ki uses kicks more often than punches - why is that, Mike?" Cover - 1, 2, Estrada kicks out. Estrada reverses an Irish whip attempt, but Ki puts him on the apron, blocks the swing and kicks - and there's the Bite of the Dragon using the ropes - Siaki is in and breaks it up - Ki turns round and gives him the same move WITHOUT the ropes - Siaki snaps backwards and lands on Ki, breaking it up. Estrada with a springboard split-legged moonsault - 1, 2, Siaki pulls him off?? That's odd. Estrada tags in Yang - Yang in with a flying Rocker Dropper (sorta) - stomp, stomp, into the ropes is reversed, elbow up by Yang on the charge - and another leg lariat off the ropes. Yang kips up and pauses for accolades. Forearm in the back, right by Ki, forearm by Yang, right by Ki getting back to his feet, Yang, Ki, Yang, Ki, Yang reverses the whpi attempt, Ki stops and brings him up...then rams him into the top turnbuckle. Leaves him in the corner but Yang is up - kicks the head - then leans back over the ropes with a head scissors that bends Ki backwards! Yang back in the ring - stomp. Into the ropes, sleeper applied - Ki turns in and drops Yang with the death suplex. Ki falls into the wrong corner - and Estrada tags himself in! Estrada and Yang lock up - right by Estrada, right, powered out, Yang with a shoulderblock - Estrada nips up and dropkicks Yang out of the ring. Estrada to the apron - Asai moonsault with a twist - and connects! Estrada puts Yang back in the ring - Estrada follows. Shot in the back - high sign from Estrada as he climbs to the second rope - tornado DDT but Yang rolls through! Yang with a dropkick on a posing Estrada! Yang right, into the ropes, reversed, Estrada tries a dropkick but misses - Yang applies a Boston crab and Estrada quickly taps out! (6:40)

Lo-Ki is in from behind with a blindside kick on Yang - double chop - into the corner, reversed, Yang with a clothesline as Ki comes out. Stomp by Yang, stomp, to the top rope - missile dropkick!! 1, 2, kickout! Scooped up - backbreaker down. "It's time!" Yang goes up for Yang Time...but Siaki trips him up, crotching him on top! Yang falls back in and Lo-Ki wastes no time giving him the Ki Crusher and pinning him. (7:54)

Siaki from behind with no delay - Ki into the ropes, Siaki presses him up - snaps off the Samoan Drop on the way down. 1, 2, no! Stomp, into the ropes, Ki ducks, big clothesline sends Ki into a triple spin but it took a lot out of Siaki as well. Both men up - Lo-Ki with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, right, into the ropes is reversed but Ki hits a flying jalapeno - springs off the second rope with a kick - now winds up for a kick, kick, MONKEY KICK is ducked - Siaki with an uppercut that misses by a mile in every sense except the storyline...Siaki off the ropes, popped from behind by Yang (I guess - the cameras missed it) - Ki waistlock rolls him up - 1, 2, 3! Champ retains. (9:22) **1/2

Earlier Today, Goldylocks and the cameraman got into Jerry Lynn's car to get some comments on tape. He says they're professionals and tonight, they'll get the job done. Pulling into the parking lot, he gets out and the camera follows him - A.J. Styles is just leaving the White Trash Cafe (no, REALLY), saying "I gotcher tip between my legs!" Lynn applies a beatdown while Goldylocks makes her various noises ("God! Oh! Jeez!") Lynn leaves him laying in a bathtub. "Don't mess with me again! Punk. It is a matter of respect and you WILL..."

TNA Girls dance - we're out of crawl

DISCO INFERNO is out for "Jive Talkin'." He gave Paulina the night off (that's another fifty bucks they can put in the "Save TNA" jar) because he doesn't have a wrestler guest tonight - no, he has a movie star. He welcomes... DEAN BALDWIN. He's out with a cigarette and mixed drink. The mere fact that he mentions Shark Boy makes me wonder if maybe HE'S Shark Boy - naah. He's here for his next big project - "Pearl Harbor II" - no, he's kidding - Disco finds this hilarious. The new project is "Urban Heartthrobs" (sorry, not on IMDB) - Frank Stallone is in it, Carrot Top ("how's it going, Lawrence."), then sends well-wishes to Jason Priestley. Disco asks if any of his brothers are in it - Dean says they only budgeted for one Baldwin. Disco moves to talk about Alec and Kim Basinger. Wow, this segment goes ON AND ON AND ON... Is Kim Basinger a screamer? "You know, Alec's never told me that personally, but I would have to imagine she is, because any time a woman ends up under a Baldwin, she winds up screaming." "What a great guest you are!" Just before we get to the story about Alec and Kim and another famous actress in a threesome, BRIAN LAWLER comes out and swipes the mic. "Shut up. I don't give a shit about you, I don't give a shit about this show, I don't give a shit about you - what I do care about is you son of a bitch, you Jeff Jarrett, and what you're guilty of." Baldwin interrupts and talks about Lawler wanting an autograph until Lawler KO's him - then demolishes Disco's set. Bring out D(OTS)ON HARRIS & TNA SECURITY to restrain Lawler. Oh, and Disco threatens to return next week with ANOTHER episode of this travesty, promising "one of the most recognisable television celebrities of all time."

We go backstage, where we follow Security tossing Lawler out of the building - which can only mean he'll be back in about fifteen minutes.

Meanwhile, Goldylocks has *again* found the Dupps - Stan is ranting and raving, saying he'll never be back in the NWA. Hey, that's another cheque lopped off the payroll! At this rate, this company will be around FOREVER!!

Main event of the evening
THIS IS JEFF JARRETT (Music City, USA - 239 pounds) and RON "THE TRUTH" KILLINGS (World Heavyweight Champion - Charlotte, North Carolina - 242 pounds) v. JERRY LYNN (Minneapolis, Minnesota - 219 pounds) and A.J. STYLES for the world tag team championship
referee: Armstrong
Killings and Jarrett beat up Lynn before the bell - and before Styles can come out. Lynn put into the ring - more doubleteaming - into the ropes, double back elbow. Killings right, Jarrett right, Killings stomp, stomp, stomp, double suplex. Seeing A.J. STYLES *finally* come out, I have to ask: is it just me or did neither man actually bring a belt out with him? Doesn't that kind of telegraph the outcome? Styles with a right for Jarrett, kick, ducks Killings and kicks HIM. Lynn goes for Styles, who ducks and Jarrett takes the lariat. Styles right on Jarrett, right, Lynn dumps Killings on the floor - and hits a pescado on him! Meanwhile, Styles slides under, leapfrog, Jarrett up and over, Styles dropkick! Styles over to the apron - spinning slingshot press - 1, 2, no! Into the ropes is reversed, Styles hooks the ropes - drop toehold on a charging Jarrett and HE goes outside. Styles to the apron - Asai moonsault! Killings and Lynn are playing "I punch you, you punch me" - Killings in the ring - we watch Styles punch Jarrett on the outside - Lynn back to back up and over - gutshot - whip is reversed- Lynn hooks the ropes and gets outta the way on the side kick attempt - Killings straddles the rope. Jarrett drops Styles on the barricade. Lynn stomps Killings. Head to the buckle by Lynn, kick, Jarrett drops Styles on the STEEL steps while inside, Truth reverses the whip, Lynn up and over, dueling hiptosses blocked - Lynn with a monkey flip - stomp. Styles right, right, Jarrett pattycakes him, Styles puts him in the barricade. Lynn on the second rope - super bulldog! 1, 2, Jarrett in and breaks it up. All four men in the ring now - Styles with a discus lariat that *Lynn* ducks - and Jarrett eats that one! Lynn and Styles decide to go to work - Truth put into the ropes, two heads down, Trush kicks Lynn, tries to clothesline Styles but he ducks - Truth shoves Lynn into Styles' quebrada and they conk heads. Armstrong FINALLY decides to get two men out of the ring and we're left with Truth and Lynn legal. Right hand by The Truth. Right. With characteristic good timing, Killings tags out to Jarrett just as a "Truth" change starts. Held open for the kick. Another kick by Jarrett. Off the ropes, Boss Man straddle. Stomp. Stomp. Scoop...and a slam. Jarrett covers - Lynn out at 2. Tag to Killings. Knee to the ribs. Pulls him into a wheelbarrow faceplant. Cover, hooks the leg, 1, 2, no. Lynn with a gutshot, left, right, right, right, kick, forearm, kick, kick, into the opposite corner is reversed, Lynn up and over with a crisscross rollup - 1, 2, no! Lynn ducks a clothesline and grabs a waistlock - Truth's trick knee acts up as Armstrong is busy with Jarrett. Off the ropes with the axe kick - 1, 2, no! Tag to Jarrett - pops Styles off the apron - arm wringer on Lynn, knee, knee, knee, the Stroke is BLOCKED - backslide by Lynn blocked - Lynn with a gutshot, into the ropes - sleeper - Jarrett turns in and shoves him off - HE applies a sleeper - this one takes and Lynn can only drop down, grab the knee and drop him in a kneebreaker. Lynn going for the figure four, but Jarrett quickly rolls to his stomach, reversing the hold! Lynn grabs the bottom rope after a struggle. Tag to Killings. Scoop...and a slam. Cover, 1, 2, no! Winds up - Lynn blocks the punch and connects with his right - another "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, Truth rakes the face. Lynn sent into the corner, reversed, Truth up and over, superfluous backflip, splits under the clothesline, and hits the side kick. Hooks the leg - 1, 2, Lynn kicks out! Forearm to the chest. Killings sits Lynn up top - poses to the crowd - dances in - but Lynn pops him - then comes out with a tornado DDT! Will Styles FINALLY get that tag? Killings tags Jarrett - HOT TAG TO STYLES! Duck, back kick, chop, into the ropes, spin kick, kick, left kick, kick, left kick is caught, enzuigiri ducked - REVERSE enzuigiri LANDS! Jarrett put into the corner - head down, sunset flip attempted, Styles rolls through - going for the Styles Clash but Killings is quickly in to break THAT up before it can happen. Lynn back in, taking out Truth with a clothesline. Stomps Jarrett - double into the ropes, drop toehold by Lynn, somersault senton by Styles, cover, 1, 2, Killings saves. Lynn drops an elbow on Killings - double into the ropes, Lynn brings him up - Styles wanted a doomsday device off the springboard, but flubs the springboard and ends up forearming Lynn instead - the perfect chance to improvise some disharmony but they don't take it - they act like Styles hit it right - Styles covers - 1, 2, Jarrett breaks it up ALMOST too late. Jarrett puts Syltes into the ropes, Styles back to back over him, Jarrett leapfrog and Styles CREAMS Armstrong, ending up outside the ring. Jarrett puts Lynn into the ropes, brings him up but Lynn goes down the back landing on his feet - Slop Drop on Jarrett, covers (Lynn is not the legal man) but there's no ref and no count. Killings back up - gutshot for Lynn - Lynn down HIS back - gutshot - going for the cradle piledriver - and hits it! Lynn covers (Neither Killings nor Lynn is a legal man) but no ref, no count - and Jarrett drops Lynn with an axehandle. Lynn into the ropes, reversed, reversed back - gutshot by Jarrett - the Stroke - meanwhile, Styles is back up and clmibing to the top - Spiral Tap on Killings! BOTH Jarrett and Styles cover an illegal man as "BLIND" RUDY CHARLES comes out and Armstrong wakes up and they synchronize their counts - 1, 2, 3 - aww, shit. (12:23) **1/2 Damn, Tenay actually knew who was legal and tells us! Of course, each ref tries to raise a different hand - holy shit, where'd those belts come from? Now BULLET BOB ARMSTRONG is out with mic in hand... "After what just happened here, gimme those belts - they will be held up until further notice. Yes, they will be held up until we get a clear-cut winner. As for you, Truth, you got a big problem next week. You gotta defend that heavyweight title of yours, that NWA Championship against Monty Brown here next week. If I were you, I'd go start figurin' some strategy right now. Yeah. And as for you, Jerry Lynn, A.J. Styles - ever since you started to - just a minute, I'll get to you in just a minute. You guys have been at each other's throats now since the X title tournatment. I don't know if it's ego or jealousy or what, but the NWA has empowered me to tell you that next week you men *will* have a match and the winner will get an X title shot." "What if I wanna kick his ass all over this arena, huh? How 'bout a Falls Count Anywhere match?" "Whoa - whoa - whoa! If you're gonna be a buncha sugar tits about this, why don't we take it up one more step and have a No Disqualification match?" Can Styles SAY "sugar tits?" BILL BEHRENS comes out (no selling Jarrett's attack?) and whispers in Armstrong's ear. "Okay, gentlemen, I'll tell you what. We'll give you both your right - you've got your all over the building, falls count anywhere, you've got your DQ match, but this will be in a two out of three fall match, and the third stipulation belongs to the NWA, if it goes three falls, if it goes three falls, we'll have Iron Man rules. The third fall will be an Iron Man match, ten minute time limit. The man who pins the most, gets the most pinfalls will win the match and get an X title shot. Jarrett...Jeff, wait a minute." "Bullet, dammit, what about me? For eight freakin' weeks I've tried to work on a world title match, and then you wanna come out here, you give Monty and Truth their match, you give those two bozos their match, what about Jeff Jarrett?" "Well I thought you'd never ask Jeff Jarrett, 'cause I got a special surprise for you next week - a very special surprise surprise." "Well, bring it on, I wanna - you gimme some heads up, who is that surprise, Bullet?" "Well you'll just have to wait 'til next week, but lemme give ya a hint. I've seen the man in action, you better lace your boots up tight, 'cause you're in for a bumpy ride, a bumpy ride, buddy. A bumpy ride, next week." "Screw you boy, I gotcher damn belts." "Screw you?" Jarrett heads out and Armstrong provides hot pursuit.

Back to the commentators - Tenay runs it down again. Lynn and Styles next week - falls count anywhere in the first match, second match is no disqualification, and if a third match is necessary, they'll do ten minutes under iron man rules. Since Russo is writing this, after all, I predict it'll end in two falls straight. And now specifically to Don West for the hard sell - only he knows the other matches for next week! Lo-Ki defends the X title in an elimination match against the SAT (way to run a concept into the ground, guys). Jimmy Yang takes on Sonny Siaki (West said two out of three falls for this, too, but I think he might have been confused there). And Monty Brown takes on The Truth for the NWA World Heavyweight championship! When West says "there have never been two more athletic and agile competitors in the ring at one time," is he really just using code? And don't forget the surprise for Jeff Jarrett. West wonders if Brian Lawler will be involved - HMM. "Next week, five of the greatest matches you've ever seen in your life!" And probably two of the crappiest matches I've ever seen in my life, too.

Backstage we go where Armstrong and Jarrett are still trying to settle the issue of possession of the tag team title belts - until Brian Lawler comes in and throttles Jarrett as the credits come up. "I know what you did, Jarrett! I'm gonna KILL you!" "TNA fans..." Oops, that was Jeremy Borash's thank you speech to the arena fans, wasn't it. SEE YA!