/3 January 2000
WWF RAW is WAR
You know, if you're like me...no, wait, I have no idea where I was going with that. Sorry.
BLATANT PLUG: Jim Raggi, who you may remember from his pretty bitchin' letter about wrestling appearing on some other site, is also pretty passionate about his music. I am lame enough to casually lump it all together as "metal," but if you're smart enough to know the difference between this kind and that kind, AND you're in the Atlanta area, you may want to see if you can get your mits on his 'zine, "Lamentations of the Flame Princess" - hell, with a name like that, how can you resist it, eh? He's got a web page for the 'zine, too, but I don't dare plug it as it's only a "Coming Soon" page. I tell you all this because he sent me a couple copies and I'm jealous of him being a REAL publisher while all I ever do is push up electrons - on the plus side, I probably have a lot less stress - well, different kinds, anyway. What, you don't care? Oh, you're right. Let's move on. Anyway, thanks Jim. Next time you have a wrestling column in you, I've got a place for ya on the Web.
QUICK QUOTES: WWFE 16 1/8 (+ 1 1/8) - really shot up on New Year's Eve, then settled back a bit today. But more importantly, check out GRIC at 59 1/4 (+ 40 3/16) - you go, GRIC! Papa needs a new web server! Don't let anybody kid you - Silicon Valley makes DREAMS come true!
TONIGHT: I'm sorry to say I missed the "Walker, Tejas Ranger" ad - but I *did* get to see a heck of a lot of nasty rump kickin' from my man Walker! "What a guy!"
TONIGHT: Whoa, check that! Came through at 2057! Tonight, live from the new American Airlines Arena, we'll find out who the Intercontinental champion is (With an old title belt in the graphic!) We'll find out what's going on as the McMahon-Helmsley era continues! We'll find out that the Rock has finally come back to his hometown! All this and more - maybe - you know - some MATCHES? - we'll find out! It's only three minutes away! "Guilty!" "Guilty!" "Guilty!" "Guilty!" "Guilty!" ALL RIGHT, I DID IT! I BURIED THE HEADLESS CORPSE AND THEN FRAMED THE BLIND GUY AT THE NEWSPAPER KIOSK! Oh, wait...sorry. Nothing.
REAL Walker closing credits? How often do we see THAT?
TV-14-DLV NO OPENING CREDITS NO FIREWORKS NO NOTHIN' - it's the
first RAW of the new millennium! (You know, technically speaking, EVERY
Monday is the beginning of SOME millennium...) and immediately
LA ROCA is out. His autobiography "The Rock Says..." will be released Wednesday, and I'm sure if Scaia hasn't already thrown up an Amazon link on his homepage, he will after I've just reminded him! (You owe me three pennies for that hint, Rick.) Let me just click over a sec...yep, the Torch was right. Okay, back to RAW for the rest of the night. I have a VCR for Nitro, after all. There's a "Rock E" chant. Just for you, a transcription. "Finally, the Rock has COME BACK ... home." Crowd, who had said "to Miami," pops. "Home to Miami, the home of the Miami Dolphins...home of Miami's favourite reggae superstar, Ziggy Marley [and there's ZIGGY MARLEY in the crowd] - Dolphins, the Marley family, allow the Rock to introduce you to his family - and the Rock's family are the millions...of Rock's fans." Pause for chant again. "Seein' as this is the very first millennium RAW, and the Rock is surrounded by the people of Miami, and the Rock is the People's Champion, the Rock sees it fit to say on this day - one thousand years from now, in the year 3000, when the historians look back and wonder what the sound was that encompassed this millennium, the Rock says it was the sound of the People chanting his name... and seeing as this is the very first year of the Rock's millennium, the Rock has but one resolution. Simply put, the Rock says he will be THE best damn WWF Champion there ever was. But before the Rock becomes champion, he has one issue. That issue is Mick Foley. Mick, the Rock realises you gave fifteen hard-earned years to this business - this very business in which the Rock grew up in, and the way you were fired, the way you were put out of the WWF, the Rock says it was the biggest pile of monkey crap the Rock has ever seen! Now speaking of monkey crap...Triple H...the Rock knows that you are back there listening, so the Rock says if you have an ounce, an inch, a shred of hair on your ass...then you will come on out here, go one on one with the great one, look this brahma bull in the eyes, so this brahma bull can take his horns - shine 'em up real nice...turn 'em sideways, and stick 'em straight up your candyass!" TREBLE H & STEPHANIE McMAHON-HELMSLEY come out as, once again, the screens to either side of the EntertainmentTron change to the pictures of the Helmsley couple we've seen the past two weeks. The Game has The Stick, but first we take pause for this "Asshole" chant. "First of all - Rock, I passed an old lady in the back on my way up here - she says she wants her jacket back. Rock, let me make somethin' perfectly clear to you - there is nothing more than I would want in this world than to walk down there and beat your ass in front of every one of these jackasses - in front of your home town - in front of your fans - in front of your "family" - to leave you layin' in a puddle of your own blood for all of them to watch. But the fact of the matter is, Rock, I've got bigger fish to fry than you. Because quite frankly, Rock, you don't bring much to the table for me - you don't offer to me anything I want - you see, Rock, I too have made a New Year's resolution - and my resolution, very similar to yours, except that mine will take place tonight in that ring, because tonight The Game will go one-on-one for the World Wrestling Federation championship with the Big Show - and I WILL become the three-time World Wrestling Federation champion. Why? Because I am that damn good! But Rock, don't feel left out, Rock, because, we've got room in the show for you - as a matter of fact, I've got a hell of a little spot you can fill tonight - you know, Rock, I know how much you like to make history - you like to be a first for things - such as last week, the first-ever "pink slip on a pole" match - which I believe that was the idea of my lovely bride - you remember...you remember that match, Rock? The one where YOU - FIRED - Mick Foley? Well, tonight, Rock, you get to be involved in another first. Tonight you get to be in the first-ever ... Handicap 'You're Fired' match. Now if you're wondering exactly what that means - what it meanas is, that tonight in a handicap match - the Rock will go, not one-on-one, but one-on-three - AND, Rock if you do not win that match, your ass is fired. Oh, and Rock, hey, just to make things fair, because, hey, there's one thing about the McMahon-Helmsley era - we are fair - to make sure things are fair, if ANYBODY interferes in that match tonight, they will be fired on the spot. Spit it out, Rock, I don't have all day." "Well, the Rock just wants to know exactly who it is you had in mind for his opponents." "I'll tell you Rock--" "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO YOU HAD IN MIND!" "Very good, very good, Pavlov, all your dogs have barked when you rang the bell. Your test was successful. (Crowd barks - ha) Rock, you - it's only fair you'd want to know who your opponents are, so just to be fair, and since you seem to have so much energy tonight, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do - I am gonna give everybody here a chance to see firsthand what you can expect later tonight, I'm gonna give YOU a chance to see firsthand what you can expect later on tonight, 'cause I'll tell you what, here are your opponents right now." The DX theme plays and the OUTLAWS & X-PAC storm the Rock - and beat him down.
Dogg and X-Pac holding the Rock for a series of stinging
rights from Mr. Ass. X-Pac with a spinning heel kick. The refs come down
to break it up and the Helmsleys approach the ring. "Rock, I tried to give
you a warning last week - I told you if ya screw with us, you've got two
choices...tonight, Rock, you will experience both firsthand, 'cause tonight
Rock, first, you will get your ass kicked again - and then...you will get
your ass - FIRED-UH."
Before we get too much further, and since I have some time during this ad break, let me tell you that tonight, WWF RAW is WAR is at the Triple A - the American Airlines Arena in Miami, FL and LIVE 3.1.2K on the USA Network and (barring some exciting curling coverage) on TSN in Canada. A little strange to not have the standard RAW promo during the "Walker" closing credits, and even MORE strange to not have the "One World Leader" opener - are we working on new stuff for the new year? Hmmm...
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where three men got the better of one...
TOO COOL (with Rikishi Phatu) v. NO LIMIT DUDLEY BOYZ - Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! where the Mean Street Posse help the Dudleys get the better of the Acolytes, probably guaranteeing a run-in in THIS match. Before the match starts, sure enough, out saunter the MEAN STREET POSSE. They stay on the stage as Christopher and D-Von start. Off the ropes, duck, slide under, full nelson, Flatliner from Sexay. Tag, off the ropes, double back elbow, pose, double elbowdrop, D-Von comes back against Taylor, but Taylor reverses the whip and takes him down to the mat - time for the worm/centipede/whatever karate chop, whip reverse, hot shot by D-Von. Tag to Buh-Buh Ray - right hands aplenty. Off the ropes, big back body drop by Dudley. Boot to the head. Head in the corner, tag to D-Von. Both men send him into the ropes, double shoulderblock. Into the corner, Scotty gets the boots up and hits a second-rope clothesline. Tag to Sexay, tag to Buh-Buh Ray. Dropkicks for each man from the GrandMaster. D-Von tries to help out his brother, and Christopher manages a double DDT for 2. The Posse is down and assaulting Phatu - now the ACOLYTES are out and the Posse immediately scatters. Buh-Buh Ray with the powerbomb on Sexay - holding him for the "headbutt to the graun" spot but Taylor is over to crotch D-Von. Also, Phatu is in to superkick Too Cool's way to a (DQ 3:17). There's a sitout (alleged) piledriver on D-Von and NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE!
MICHAEL KING COLE asks the Acolytes what's up with the run-in - Bradshaw says they're just trying to finish what the Posse started with them. Faarooq says they could beat up on the Posse with one arm behind their back...
...unfortunately, Stephanie heard that on the monitor - and she thinks that that'd be a sweel idear for a match - so tonight, we'll have the Posse and the Acolytes, one arm tied behind the back of the Acolytes. After a knock at the door, Steve Blackman walks in to talk with Triple H. "You were told by certain people not to interfere in Angle's matches right?" "Well, kinda." Helmsley tells Blackman that if he hits Kane with the kendo stick tonight, he's fired. Got it? "'k. I got it." "Why would Blackman hit Kane with a kendo stick?" Helmsley reveals to Stephanie after Blackman leaves that Kane happens to be Angle's opponent tonight - also, that his SECOND New Year's Resolution was to end Kurt Angle's undefeated streak.
KANE (with Tori)
v. OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE
AND AMERICAN HERO KURT ANGLE - Let Us Take You
Back to Last Week as Tori
did some weird shit, man. Back to now - and Angle's ready to cut a promo
for me: "Hold up a sec - now, many people think that this very well could
be the end of my incredible reign as the ONLY undefeated wrestler here in
the World Wrestling Federation...but fret not my fans, because it is *I*
who has the advantage. Oh sure, this is definitely a handicap match, but
*I* am the heavy favourite, you see down here I see a 7' tall, 340 pound
bag of muscle who hides behind a mask and does not speak one word, and why?
Because he lacks integrity and obviously he lacks intelligence. Oh sure,
he has intensity, there's no doubt about that - but that can only take you
so far, Kane. So, as you can see, I am the heavy favourite because I have
all THREE I's in my corner - Intensity, Integrity, and Intelligence. So
I'm asking all of you to cheer me on as I continue my undefeated status -
and beat the heck out of this big lug they call Kane!" Kane rushes Angle
and it's on. Angle rolls into the ring to recover, then strikes as Kane
tries to enter. Lawler: "We all know, since the fire, Kane's only got one
eye!" Now THAT'S a pun. Kane reverses a whip into the ropes, Angle ducks,
but not the big boot from Kane. Angle's head meets the buckle. Uppercut.
Right. Whip into the opposite corner, Angle puts up a boot, but runs smack
into a lariat. Angle thrown outside; Kane follows. Scooping him up - and
dropping him on the barricade! Angle rolled back in, Kane to the top rope
- flying clothesline! Angle somehow manageing to get to his feet - ducking
the clothesline in the corner and punching away. Kane throws him back to
the centre. Elbowdrop misses, and Angle dropkicks the knee. To the rop
rope goes Angle, but the axehandle misses as Kane catches him in a choke -
and here's the chokeslam! Thumb crosses throat - ahh, *there* is
BLACKMAN - in the ring - looking right at Kane -
then cracking the kendo
stick ... across the noodle of *Angle*. There's another win for Angle as
referee "Blind" Chad Patten is forced to call for the bell.
(DQ 2:28) Kane
stalks up the ramp after Blackman. MAN, that guy's BRILLIANT! (Well, okay
- *I* laughed - but that may just be my Blackman's disease manifesting
Backstage, Helmsley asks Stephanie if she happened to have had a conversation with Blackman right after he just did. She says no, but if he thought THAT was tricky, just wait and see what she did about the Intercontinental title!
Here's an exterior of the GORGEOUS American Airlines Arena
"My Time" plays (#2) and STEPHANIE McMAHON-HELMSLEY walks out with TIM WHITE (with the belt), JIM KORDERAS and CHAD PATTEN. I already have a sneaky suspicion what's about to happen, but don't dare utter it for fear it'll come true. Hint: it involves refs wrestling to settle this. She's probably the only McMahon we'll hear speak tonight so let's enjoy it: "It seems as though we have a dilemma on our hands - just who is the World Wrestling Federation intercontinental champion? Is it...Chyna? Or is it Y2J Chris Jericho? Well I'm sure everyone has their opinion, but I think we need to take one more look at this match to determine who the REAL intercontinental champion is." Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! for the good ol' double pin on the chair. "Now, you two seem to have been arguing. Mr. Referee: who do YOU think is the World Wrestling Federation champion?" Korderas: "Without a shadow of a doubt - Chyna." "Well then let's have Chyna come on down to the ring." Here's THAT SLUT CHYNA & ERNEST MILLER, all smiles, walking down to ringside. "But it seems as though we have another referee to ask. Mr. Referee, who do YOU think is the Intercontinental champion?" Patten: "Most definitely, Chris Jericho." "Chris, come on down!" Ross notes that CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO gets a bigger response than Chyna - now WHY would he go and say something like THAT? Back to Steph: "All right - now even though everybody has their opinion, I have made a decision. Seeing as how this is the McMahon-Helmsley Era, and it is a brand-new millennium, and business is being done as it has never been done before, therefore, Triple H and I are going to make a ruling that has never been made before. Chyna - and Chris Jericho are BOTH the Intercontinental Champion! Now now, what the means is that only one of you can defend the title at a time, AND should one of you lose, I suggest you listen, Chris, this is very important to you - should one of you lose, you BOTH lose the Championship - now, now I know you two have your troubles and don't get along so well, but if you really look at what's in the best
for the both of you, I'm very confident you'll find a way to get along."
crash the party. "Cut the music - now I don't give a rat's ass
WHO the champion is - Chyna: "That's me, I'm the champ." "Well, seeing as
you're the champ - I want a title shot tonight, and I want it right now."
Stephanie: "Well, Bob, why don't you come get it?"
HARDCORE HOLLY (with Crash & Scale Holly) v. THAT SLUT CHYNA (with Ernest Miller) for the Intercontinental championship - Jericho gets on third headset and bemoans Stephanie's hairdo AND her decision-making ability. Jericho says he never lost the championship and this is a CONSPIRACY! (Bring back the sign!) Hardcore Holly has the best dropkick in the business, by the way. Standard Chyna offense (gymnast's splash, gutshot, DDT, she didn't go for the nuts this week at least) pervades in this match, with a bit of back-and-forth - ending comes after Holly clotheslines Chyna out of the ring - Chyna tries a Sunset flip back in, Holly squats down - Jericho walks over to clock Holly - Chyna rocks back into a cover, referee "Blind" Tim White stops glaring at the Kat long enough to turn around and count - 1, 2, 3. (1:58) Jericho nicks the belt and walks out while Chyna's arm is raised. Chyna and Kat quickly out to follow. Crash in the ring taking a bit of amusement from the whole thing, and Hardcore hits a superkick on him. Looks like they're going to fight through the crowd again. Holly blowing one of my rules of thumb - "new tights = title win" - must speak to him about that.
Backstage, Triple H tells Stephanie how impressed he is with her decision. Following this, Prince Albert and Big Bossman appear and Triple H tells them that tonight they'll take on Test and his partners - emphasis on the "Z" at the end...just to be "fair," mind you. Bossman says no matter, tonight they'll kick some freakin' ass. Stephanie tells Triple H to go out there and win the title - then she kisses him - on the cheek.
Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING and JERRY LAWLER. Tonight, Triple H and the Big Show! Let Us Take You Back one week and show you how it went down between those two in the LAST title match - well, them and Road Dogg - and Mr. Ass - and X-Pac - and Mankind. Following all that - the successful title defense by the Big Show on Monday, SmackDown! saw a very special handicap match culminating in a quad-beatdown on the WWF Champion by DX.
Michael King Cole attempts to get a word from the Big Show - and nearly get his head taken off with - a glare?!? WWF title on the line - NEXT!
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. TREBLE H (with Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley & DX ... and the RAW credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box) for the WWF Championship - champion enters first because Triple H is a glory hog - that's #3 for "My Time." Helmsley tells DX to hang back on the ramp. Show attacks Helmsley while he's standing on the apron - kicks- take down, pickup, thwon in the corner, kicks, Helmsley finally ducks and hits seeral rights. Show comes back with a headbutt. Off the ropes, head down, kick by H, headbutt by the Show. Elbow from the Show. Scoop - and a slam, with authority. Well it's a big elbowdrop - but only 2 from referee "Blind" Mike Chioda. Helmsely attempting to fight back, rights, out of the corner, whip is reversed - FLAIR FLIP! (sorta) Triple H on the floor, Big Show climbing over the top rope to go out and meet him. Headbutt! Daring DX to come down, then hitting a forearm to his back. Helmsley up on his shoulder - Helmsley manages to shrug off and push Show over the barricade to the concrete. Triple H back over to meet him. Right, head to the barricade, right, Show blocks another right and
beals him back over the barricade! Whip
into the STEEL steps is somehow reversed by Triple H. H rolls in the ring
to "break the count" (wink wink - like he's counting.) Show taken over the
commentary table, unseating Lawler. Fists of fury from the challenger.
Head to the table. Helmsley moving furniture - Show's head taken to the
bell - and one more time for good measure. Show shoved back in the ring.
Is this "no DQ?" H with a whip, reversed, head down, facebuster from
Triple H - there's a high knee. 1, 2, huge military press kickout.
Helmsley cutting loose with rights - but Show is starting to hulk up -
there's a big ol' headbutt. Off the ropes, sidewalk slam - 1, 2, no! Off
the ropes again, duck, powerslam - 1, 2, H *again* manages to roll the
shoulder. H sidesteps a splash - but Show is still up -
ahhhhhtheCHOKESLAAAAAM - 1, 2, *foot on the rope!* Show places Triple H
and scales to the second rope - but there's no water in the pool for the
elbowdrop. Pedigree?!? Nope, backdrop from the Big Show. X-Pac runs to
the ringside, but Chioda isn't gonna let him down. Choke from the Big
Show, but H hits a kick in the nuts while the ref's back is turned -
Pedigree! Chioda back around - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a
new WWF Champion. (7:08)
Lots of pyro goes off (gee, who planned THAT?),
followed by more pyro, glitter, balloons - wow, I hope they didn't have all
this set up LAST week and just didn't get the chance to use it... I guess
now we know where all the pyro from the opening of the show went. You
know, it was a year ago this week that it was *Mankind* on the shoulders of
DX instead of Triple H. Nitro's over, so I guess we can manage an ad
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - and see that low blow, Pedigree and pin just one more time - just in case you were watching another channel, you missed it, neener neener. DX strikes a pose for our benefit.
TEST & ? v. BIG BOSSMAN & PRINCE ALBERT - Let Us Take You Back to the many, many times that DX has broken Test's nose over the course of the past two months. Amazingly, it looks okay today. But he's still gonna don that mask, just in case. Do my eyes deceive me, or do I spy a cage above the ring? Test's partners are announced as FABULOUS MOOLAH & MAE YOUNG, who are accompanied by HIZARVEY WIPPLEMAN & SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY. Bossman and Albert strike before they make it to the ring (as if that'd help) - Test on Albert, but Bossman from behind. Both men kicking. Test into the corner - Albert whips Bossman into the corner, but Test sidesteps it. Clothesline ducked, Albert eats a clothesline. Test all over Bossman in the corner, then inviting in Mae Young...oh boy! Broncobuster by Young on Bossman! Kill me now! Fortunately, Albert takes out Test from behind, then works over Young while Bossman works over Moolah on the outside. Henry is over, but not before Bossman is back in the ring. Mask removed, Albert with the bearhug and Bossman splashes Test in the back. Test punching each man, taking Albert into the corner...Bossman splashes ...his partner. Test runs at Albert, but eats a boot. Albert rushes Test - but ends up in a powerslam. Test up to the top - nightstick shot on the apron from Bossman, missed by referee "Blind" Teddy Long (who's dealing with the seniors, I guess) - Test runs into the bicycle kick...and gets pinned. (1:42) After the match, Mark Henry comes in the ring, but he's one and Bossman's got a stick. Now Harvey Wippleman is in, shirtless - Albert has little problem picking him up by his neck and gently dropping him to the apron. Test takes his opportunity to hit each man from behind, so Bossman and Albert scatter. Moolah carries off Wippleman over her shoulder - oh, stop, you're killing me. Killing me now.
In the McMahon-Helmsley office, DX celebrates the new WWF Champion
with confetti, balloons and champagne.
Meanwhile, the Big Show walks off without a word. Hey, he'll catch a frightful chill without a shirt! Show wears TOMMY!
Back to the celebration - the Helmsleys share a toast
ACOLYTES (left arms bound) v. MEAN STREET POSSE - the Posse attacks on the ramp before the bell. Faarooq manages to introduce Pete "Gas" to the STEEL steps and the barricade, while Bradshaw tries to work on Rodney and Joey Abs inside the ring. Before this gets too far out of whack with reality, the DUDLEY BOYZ come out (DQ :31) and a 5-on-2 works to the favour of the five. "Head to the graun" spot for Faarooq by the Dudleyz. They take off while the Posse removes their belts and lay a whuppin' into the Acolytes. A pride of refs & officials are out to break things up...
Meanwhile, back in the office, the celebration continues - Road Dogg suggests a bonus for the Dudley Boyz after what just went on. Stephanie's wearing the belt. Hey, how about an ad break? After all, that segment almost lasted - what, three minutes?
A timpani roll brings HOWARD FINKEL to the stage. "Ladies and Gentlemen, D-Generation X proudly presents the epic film 'Have a Bad Day!'" "d-generation X productions / in association with helmsley mcmahon studios / a triple-H film / starring mankind / have a BAD day" A sign says UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE. Triple H plays Harry Sack, an employment counselor and X-Pac is (voice-wise, a dead ringer for) Mick Foley. "What can you do?" "Well, I can jump off of a cage onto a table, I can get hit in the head 37 times with a chair and not have any - not have any - not have any damage. I can get hit with a chair..." Sachs cuts him off. "Quite frankly, you're horrible. That McMahon-Helmsley era, they did everybody a favour - they got rid of you! Let's face it, you're hurting the product, son! You're not hardcore anymore - you're basically a Muppet!" Mankind begs for some work, Sack tells him to get out of his office before he beats him like Triple H did. "Ohhhh...not another beating!"
Yow, ANOTHER ad break! They're sure *milking* this "unopposed hour" thing, aren't they?
Geez, I haven't seen this many ads since...SmackDown!
And now, the WWF Slam-of-the-Week, brought to you by 1-800-COLL-ECT - Matt Hardy slamming a chair onto the back
of Al Snow to save his
brother's ankle - from SmackDown!
WWF RAW is WAR comes to you through the kind sponsorship of Castrol, Burger King, and phonefree.com!
JEFF HARDY (with Matt Hardy & Nipples) v. AL SNOW (with Head) within the confines of the STEEL cage - Snow with a shot for Matt on the outside, just for the heck of it. Unless it was to distract referee "Blind" Teddy Long? Now Snow's beating on Jeff between the ropes, then slamming the cage door on him as well. Hardy pulled outside - STEEL chair procured, STEEL chair whacked on Hardy. Thrown in the cage - and Terri's thrown in too! Snow takes the chair with him and gets in the cage while Terri tries to vamoose. Snow produces a chain from his tights and locks the cage door shut. Terri calls to Matt, but Matt's still out. Jeff, however, has come to, and gets in a moderate attack on Snow. Whip is reversed, Jeff climbs the ropes with no hands and hits a moonsault! Double legdrop between the legs. Hardy tries to get Terri out - but notices the door's locked. Snow over and stomping away. Snow removing a turnbuckle cover - or attempting to, at least. Over to kick Hardy, back to the turnbuckle. Wow, lookit them headlights. Looks like Snow gave up on the turnbuckle. Kicks to Hardy, whip into the turnbuckle is reversed (good thing the cover's still there!) - but Snow lands Snake Eyes to stay in control. Hardy taken into the cage. Scoop - and a slam. Snow with the chair - he's going to finish the job he started on Thursday! Terri over to rake Snow's back. Hoganesque, it was! Snow takes the chair and advances on Terri - then whacks the cage where *Matt* was trying to climb, hitting him right in the hands. Jeff dropkicks the chair to Snow's face. Hardy climbing to the top - he'd leave Terri there alone? Snow quickly up to meet him - grabbing Hardy's hair - and there's a bulldog from the top rope with Hardy on top of the cage! 1-800-COLLECT provides the Double Feature of both the chair to the hands, and the top-of-the-cage manoeuvre. Back to the action, Snow is up - powerbomb - check that, Snow takes him completely over, dropping Hardy on his face. Snow now has the chair, and he's using it on the ribs. Matt can't climb the cage - his hands are shot. Jeff's head meets the cage wall. Snow stomping away and giving the badmouth to boot. Jeff taken off the rope, duck, Hardy with a spinning heel kick. Both men down, both men up - Hardy blocks a punch and lets loose with a barrage of punches. Kick, off the ropes, big back body drop, Hardy climbs - Snow over to bring him back to the mat. Snow with palm thrusts to Hardy's head, driving it into the cage. Got Hardy on his shoulder - there's the lawn dart to the side of the cage. Got him again - but Hardy shrugs off and Snow is taken into the cage. Hardy uses Snow (who's on all fours) as a springboard to get to the top of the cage - then flips over and out. (6:46) Postmatch, Snow tries to take some measure of revenge against Terri, but Matt has managed to recover enough to get in the cage and put the kibosh on THAT with some well-placed chair shots. Poor Al - on the plus side, he DID seem to get a nice handful of ass for his troubles, so. You know, if Terri had just dropped her panties, she could have escaped...oh well, maybe next time. NOW the refs are out and they seem to have a key to the lock - geez, where was this key earlier? It would have been kinda helpful to have THEN, wouldn't it? Well, no, see, 'cause it wouldn't have helped the STORY. Ha! Snow vows that this isn't over...
The timpani sounds again and once again HOWARD FINKEL is out... "Ladies and gentlemen, the story continues as DX presents Part Two of 'Have a Bad Day!'" In this part, Triple H is Dr. Hung Lo at the "W. C. Fields Children's Hospital" and X-Pac is (once again) Mankind. Mankind looks for some children to entertain, but the doctor says unless he's got Triple H with him ("he big-time ovah!") he's gotta leave. Mankind takes umbrage, so Dr. Lo climbs over his desk - he knows the whooping crane! Or something. He pops Mankind's balloon. "Ohhhh - mercy!"
"World's Deadliest Swarms!" Next Sunday after HeAT! Coincidence? I think not!
Footage of a "Mankind Book Signing" when we come back - Mankind all by himself...okay, that's KINDA funny.
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight as DX laid some smack down on the man
who usually lays down the smack himself.
In the Rock's dressing room, Patterson & Brisco express how worried they are for the Rock, and how they'll miss him when he's gone. Rock takes offense and does some shouting. Highlights include "roody poo crew" and "poppin' your chops."
In the DX dressing room, Triple H reminds DX of their objectives - gee, should they keep drinking with a match to come?
The Fink: "And now, we return to Part Three of that cinematic masterpiece, 'Have a Bad Day!'" Triple H is "B. Dalton" and X-Pac is (guess) Mankind. "Helloooooo..." Dalton says that not only is he doing no business - he appears to have caused his OWN people to have left! Mankind doesn't know why his new book isn't doing so well - Dalton says it's because the McMahon-Helmsley machine isn't putting its promotional muscle behind it. Mankind reluctantly agrees. "You're not very bright, you smell pretty bad - I got no choice but to fire you." "Oh, no...not again..." Mankind tries the Mandible Claw with the Sock... "You wanna threaten me with a sock? I'll beat your ass like Triple H did!" "Have a nice day!" "Have a nice day?" and he runs him into a wall. "What are you thinkin'? I'm tryin' to run a respectable book business here - you're fired!" "Have a nice day...."
Back in the dressing room, DX again discusses strategy - THIS time, the Rock busts in and interrupts proceedings, taking out the (already possibly inebriated - or at least suffering ill effects from some "possibly bad celery") Dogg in the process, and giving a few shots to the other two before beating a retreat. That match - is - NEXT!
Mankind Takes Manhattan - with Chef Boyardee's Overstuffed ravioli. He may be fired, but by God, Chef Boyardee is gonna stick by THEIR contractual obligations!!
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago as Rock takes Dogg's head to the wall and hits a couple shot to Mr. Ass - then disappears...
1-800-COLLECT presents the Royal Rumble LIVE 23 January from Madison Square Garden in New York City!
TREBLE H & STEPHANIE McMAHON-HELMSLEY present D-GENERATION X v. LA ROCA in a handicap "You're Fired" match - Dogg with one more hit on the Dom before making it to the ring. The Helmsleys take their usual position in the recliner underneath the EntertainmentTron. The Rock, strangely, walks right by them. Well, I think he MIGHT have looked at 'em on his way by. Before the match starts, Triple H has THE STICK: "Rock, Rock, just a little something I forgot to mention to ya - this match - it's no DQ - go get 'em boys!" The Rock starts out on fire, but he's one and they're three. Rock quickly taken to the mat, out of the ring, and DX follows. Ross: "Who's gonna be stupid enough to help the Rock? If they do, they're gonna be fired!" Rock over to the commentary table, timekeeper's table, barricade, everybody taking turns putting the boots to the Rock while the crowd settles on "X Pac Sux" for a while. Rock manages to reverse a whip into a back elbow on Mr. Ass - Road Dogg to the STEEL steps, X-Pac run into the posts between the legs. Referee "Blind" Tim White gets caught giving singles again by this viewer as I hear an "eight minutes" cue. DX has regained control and Rock is back in the ring when I return to paying attention to what's going on - Dogg with a left, left, left, juke, give, Rock strikes back with a clothesline and Gunn has to come in to help. No problem for Gunn - until he tries to whip the Rock - it's reversed, and Gunn collides with his partner, knocking Dogg to the commentary table. X-Pac comes in and hits a spinning heel kick. 1, 2, nope! X-Pac continues stomping on him, drops the knee, Ass drops the knee, Dogg stands on the neck with a rope assist, stomp from X-Pac. Ass outside, there's an elbow to the heart.
Another elbow from Ass. Dogg outside as well -
double sledge to the back. Vertical suplex coming up - block - Rock
reverses into a suplex of his own, but X-Pac is over to put HIS boots to
the Rock. Rights, and kicks, and repeat. Knife-edge chop. Another. And
now the Outlaws are over - Dogg with a punch, Rock fights back, now DX
employing the "black ninja" style of attack, which never works - Rock with
a flurry - but Ass blocks a head to the commentary table and sends HIM over
instead. The tripleteam begins again. Back in the ring after a while or
so. Outlaws choking in the corner - X-Pac with some kicks to boot. Double
whip into the corner, Rock ducks the clothseline, punch for Dogg, punch for
X-Pac, duck, DDT for Ass, Samoan Drop for X-Pac, spinebuster for Dogg.
People's Elbow time? Yep. 1, 2, Ass pulls White outside the ring, then
shoves him to the floor. Rock punching X-Pac, but there's a spinning heel
kick to take him down. Mr. Ass setting him up for the jackhammer - and
there it is. Dogg and Ass dragging him into the corner - I smell a
broncobuster coming up. Yup. Dogg asking his mates to hold him while he
goes to get a chair - but MICK
emerges from the crowd, hops the
barrier, rushes Dogg and swipes the chair. There's a chair for all four
DX'ers, including the new WWF Champion, who's a bit too late coming down.
Rock is the first man up - Ass is second, but as he rushes the Rock, he
ends up falling into Rock Bottom! White over - 1, 2, 3!!
does his "Al Michaels at the '80 Olympics" impersation as Rock makes it up
to the top of the ramp and turns back to show Helmsley three fingers -
while *Helmsley* fumes. Ross' last words for tonight - "Triple H - is -
AFTER THE FACT: After many emails and surfing around, the consensus appears to be that it was NOT X-Pac who played Mankind in the DX film, but Dennis "Mideon" Knight. Oh well, can't win 'em all.