...help me...

QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 11 5/8 (- 4 3/16) - now's the time to buy!

MAD PROPS: I've been meaning to thank Troy Babbs for about three weeks now, and I've managed to keep forgetting. Well NO LONGER!!

YEAR IN QUOTES: Nitro is very close to being finished, but it turns out I need a BIT more help with RAW (SmackDown! is done, yep). If you've got an extra hour or so and can pore through four or five (one month's worth of) RAW reports, please drop me an email. Credit will be duly given! See your name in print!

TONIGHT: Chris Jericho takes on Viscera - the belt is on the line! The Outlaws take on Christian & Edge - the belts are on the line! Also: can anything stop Triple H and Stephanie besides ten more minutes of "Walker?"

You know, watcing this show I can't help but think that maybe they really DO have some permissive handgun laws in Tejas...that, and also this show kinda bites

Why didn't the team winning by 3 just take a knee and run out the clock instead of going for another touchdown? Were they trying to cover the spread or something?

Ayyyyyyyy!! Thumbs up for everybody!! Happy endings make me feel so GOOD!

The TV-14-DLV ratings box accompanies a highlight reel from SmackDown! One low blow, one unfortunate injury, and one more low blow ensured the Four went 0-3. But don't think anything of it - hey, these guys are USED to jobbing! God, what HIDEOUS colour...

Opening Credits are closed captioned! Well, not really

PYRO ABOUNDS as we are LIVE from the Reunion Arena in Dallas, TX 7.2.2K - who shot JFK? Who'll shoot JR? Will we start with a match or some talkin'?

X-PAC (with Tori) v. HUH? We are told Kane has been sent back to the institution. The "Huh?" comes because before his entrance is up, DEAN MALENKO, EDDIE GUERRERO (in sling), PERRY SATURN & CHRIS BENOIT hop the barricade and get in the ring. Well, they fooled me - I almost thought this was a MATCH! Saturn's got THE STICK: "Don't worry X-Pac, we didn't come out here to start any trouble! A week ago we showed up here, and we tried to make a little noise! We tried to make an impact! But more than anything, we wanted a contract to wrestle in the WWF." Malenko: "This past Thursday on SmackDown!, we were given the one chance - the one opportunity - to win our way into the World Wrestling Federation - and we were good - matter of fact, we were DAMN good. But on that night - we just weren't - good enough. I guess you could say...we blew it." Guerrero: "I'd just like to take this opportunity to thank you, the WWF fans, for your support...and just for the privlige of being able to perform in front of you." Benoit: "We also came here tonight to personally thank the man who made this opportunity all possible...is CACTUS JACK in the house?" Well, lookee here, out he comes. Hugs are exchanged all around....but business is about to you know as TREBLE H's music plays - and here HE is, with STEPHANIE ONO, who looks especially slutty tonight. Unfortunately, she's also in fine voice: "This convocation of - of admiration - makes me wanna PYOOOOK. What's it gonna take, Cactus? You certainly couldn't get the job done at the Royal Rumble. These four new guys you brought in - they played the Game and they lost. What's your next play - the Dallas Cowboys defensive line? The 82nd Airborne? The Russian Army? You're not gonna stop, are ya Jack? Well NEITHER ARE WE." Let's pause for some chants before hearing from the Champ. "Cactus, you DO make me sick. You make me wanna puke. And as a matter of fact, my patience is starting to wear very thin of this whole situation. You see, you couldn't get the job done, they couldn't get the job done, but yet you're still out here in my face. Well, it's time ot put this matter to rest. This has gone on too long - it's time to finish it once and for all - so what I propose, Cactus Jack, is that one more time, YOU and ME - at No Way Out - one more time - but this is it - your last shot at me, your last shot at the WWF title - and Cactus, you can have any type of match you want, just - there will be no 2x4 wrapped in razor-sharp barbed wire - there will be no sharp metallic objects - there will be no thumbtacks - there will not be any of your sadistic toys! We will have the match, plain and simple." "Let me get this straight - you want me in a match, but it cannot involve 2x4s wrapped in barbed wire - you want me in a match, but it cannot involve thumbtacks - you want me in a match, but it cannot involve sharp metallic objects." "Congratulation, your brain does still work." "Well let me ask you this - you throw all those toys out of the picture and I can have any match I damn well desire?" "Yes." "Doesn't sound like a whole lotta fun, Triple H - but I'll tell you what - no barbed wire, no thumbtacks, no metallic objects - you leave me with only one choice - Hell in the Cell! You want a fight, you got it! Do you have the guts?! Do you?! Do you?!" Umm, hello - the cage is a metallic object, isn't it? "Hell in the Cell? All right - Hell in the Cell, you got a deal - but one stipulation." "You name it." "I will go through Hell in the Cell with you - BUT I WANT YOUR CAREER ON THE LINE. If I beat you at Hell in the Cell, you are finished. You retire. Your career is over, and that means YOU, Mick Foley, whcih includes Dude Love, which includes Mankind, which includes Cactus Jack - you are finished - you are done - it is OVER."

Farm Club Dot Com is NEXT! Hey, Pinfield still taking the drugs?

"Moments Ago" footage shows what we just seen - man, listen to that entire crowd gasp.

Helmsley congratulates his men - then reveals that tonight, he and X-Pac and the three guys not in a sling will take on Jack and any men he can find in a big tag team main event.

NEW AGE OUTLAWS v. CHRISTIAN & EDGE (you think you Riddick Bowe him) for the tag team championship - in case you were wondering what the rest of DX was doing tonight, here you go. Dogg steals from House of Pain for his poetry tonight. As the challengers enter last (bleah), Let Us Take You Back two weeks to SmackDown!, and last week's Raw, just to show you that the Dudleys have been bad dudes lately. Edge wearing a Konnan "Feel/That's Enough" hat. Just after the opening bell, THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ walk down to the ringside area...and I'm thinking they may regale us with a little guest commentary! Lockup, to the corner, Ass kicks away on Christian - off the ropes, duck, back and forth, Christian ducks a crossbody and takes command with a series of armdrags, and there's a hiptoss. Gunn throws a tantrum as we look at Buh-Buh Ray standing over Ross and DARING him to say "those damn Dudleys" one more time. We go back to the ring and Christian is airborne (springboard plancha?) on the Dogg while Edge

In the locker room, Henry tells Mae Young to stay in the back during his match - and take care of the bun in the oven. Ugh.

WrestleMania 2000 for the N64 ad

Dig that Dallas skyline. Say, that Reunion Arena has a pretty neat logo!

Some DALLAS STARS & MAVERICKS are in attendance, yup

OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE, PRESIDENT OF THE MENSA SOCIETY AND GRAND MARSHAL OF THE UPCOMING PRESIDENT'S DAY PARADE KURT ANGLE v. SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY - "Each night, I come out here and offer my services to be Your Sports Hero. But tonight, I'm not gonna do that. Instead, I would like to talk about my opponent - Mark Henry. You see, Mark Henry may think we're a lot alike because we were both Olympians - but that's where the similarity ends." Fan in the crowd has Angle's face on a Wheaties box. - heh. "As I won Olympic gold, came to the WWF, and embarked an on incredible undefeated streak that shocked the entire world, Mark Henry's greatest accomplishment was impregnating an 82 year old woman. Congratulations, Mark. And although that may have required a lot of intensity (I don't even like to think about it), it definitely lacked integrity...and intelligence, if you know what I mean. And while impregnating elderly women and living in sin may be acceptable to Dallas, Texas - it is NOT acceptable to Your Olympic Hero, it is not." Lawler keeps calling it "the cover of the box of Wheaties" as if it were a magazine. Lockup, waistlock, takedown, floatover, Henry gets up and lets Angle fall to the mat. Scoop - and a running powerslam. 1, 2, no. Scoop - another slam. Off the ropes, legdrop. Cover - another 2. Angle tries a spear - Henry ain't moving - Henry with a jackknife powerbomb - 1, 2, no! (slow count). Lariat. Running at Angle, who pulls the top rope and send Henry outside. As he follows, MAE YOUNG is walking down the ramp - oy. Backdrop by Angle on the outside, and he's back in the ring. Young in and there's a clubbin' blow. Referee "Blind" Chad Patten has no choice but to call for the bell (DQ 2:12) as Angle calmly turns around, grabs Young and HITS THE REVERSE FIREMAN'S CARRY SLAM on her. Wow - I KNEW there was something very special about this Kurt Angle. Angle celebrates like he won the gold medal. Play his music! B.B. is out to let us know this is one of those storyline injuries as we take a look at Henry working a variety of emotions. Now some real EMT's are out...

But the crowd suddenly completely ignores the goings-on in the ring and raises their voices as one - because we cut to a view of the Rock entering the building and WALKING! YEAAAAAAAAAAAH WALKING

To the locker room go, back live now - Moolah and Henry try to roust Young. "Mark you know I don't like it on my back, I like it on top! Besides, everybody out here wants to see my puppies!" Young pops up and strips topless. We zoom in and focus on the expression of the opposite EMT.

Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER.

The Hollys are WALKING! "Do you think this is a good idea?" "This isn't a good idea, it's a great idea! One good Hardcore victory over the Acolytes and we're back on top!" Crash suggests that maybe the Acolytes aren't the only guys in the protection business. Hardcore suggests he's an idiot.

ACCOLADES v. HOLLYS (with Scale Holly) in a Hardcore rules match - Oh boy, Lilian's back, and mushmouthing tag team names in new and exciting ways again! It only takes a whopping fourteen seconds to get all four men AND referee "Blind" Teddy Long outside the ring and over the barricade. To the concession stand we go! Popcorn machine! Straw dispenser! The Acolytes take turns drinking beer (big pop!) - Hardcore turns the tide on Faarooq with a bottle shot. Bradshaw with the deadly COTTON CANDY shot (which Ross says "won't hurt anybody"). Crash is out of the picture, Bradshaw over to turn the tide on Hardcore. There's a bottle in the back for HIM. They're on top of the bar and Bradshaw is ready to try a piledriver - VISSSSSSSSCERA is out, but (oops) slips on the beer on the floor. But at least his pants stay on! Somehow he manages to get up and still break his 2x4 over Bradshaw's back before he can pull off the move. Bradshaw falls backward into a table - Holly covers and Long counts 3. (2:39)

Next week, thanks to the Dog Show - RAW airs at a special time - LIVE at 11PM! (It helps that in California, the equivalent showtime is only 8 in the Shark Tank)

WrestleMania 2000 for the N64, once again

Local spot hypes SmackDown! on UPN 44

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. VISSSSSSSSSSCERA (with RAW Credits) for the Intercontinental championship - Hey, Jericho's SHAVED!! "All right, Dallas! Welcome to RAW is Jericho! And tonight I have to wrestle Big Viscera - but I, I gotta be honest with all the Jerichoholics tonight, I'm a little intimidated - as anybody would be if you had to face the Love Child of Mr. T and Fat Albert. But I gotta warn you, Viscera the Hut! Ah pity the fool who messes with Y2J!" We are told that Chyna is off filming an episode of "Third Rock from the Sun" tonight - a program I never miss (except every week). The bell rings as the TV-14-DLV ratings box reappears. Viscera all over him - into the ropes, and Jericho snaps his head off the top rope - ouch. Viscera checks to see if he's okay, then gives him a headbutt, into the ropes, biiiig back body drop. Slap in the corner, opposite corner, Jericho puts an elbow up, then hits a second rope missile dropkick. Jericho pounding away - off the ropes, but he runs into the Alleged Spinning Heel Kick ("an AMAZING athletic move!") and Jericho rolls out. Viscera goes out, puts him in the STEEL steps and throws him back in...as he climbs back into the ring, punches are exchanged, now it's more Jericho - springboard (almost) spinnig heel kick on Viscera! Jericho tries a baseball slide dropkick, but misses - Viscera slams him on the mat hard,

Cole and the Four stand around - sounds like we'll get a word after this ad break

Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight, where four guys turned on Cactus Jack to hook up with Triple H. Ever notice that Jim Ross is the ONLY guy to say "Radicals?" Seems like he really WANTS that name to get over...but nobody else is going along with it (including me).

Say, here they are now! MICHAEL KING COLE stands with the Four. Malenko says they ARE appreciative of the chance to perform for the WWF fans, that wasn't a lie. Guerrero says they fooled Jack - he mistakenly thought they'd put friendship before business. Benoit says they had to hook up with the people with all the stroke, and that's the Helmsleys. Desperate people to desperate things - Foley is gonna be a little desperate before the end of this hour, Saturn muses. Hey, you know what's weird? That (Mavericks?) locker they're talking in front of has a NASH nameplate right above it - you KNOW that wouldn't be in the shot if they didn't want it noticed...

Wow! KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands in front of a door! Later the Rock will tell him to talk to his hand and smell what he's cooking!

Luna rants and raves about Jackie's chair shot from SmackDown! Gangrel tells her to calm down and stick to the game plan and she can win the Women's title - Luna seems a little more interested in revenge, however. "Gameplayers don't win!" Will we finally get a Women's WRESTLING match after so long without? We'll find out - NEXT!

Wow! "Blue Streak" in rentals! Is Martin Lawrence still in that coma?

Another WWF SmackDown! on UPN 44 ad

"Where's my football?" It's a highlight reel of the XFL press conference, various media reports on it, and various soundbites from Vince McMahon - who IS that guy? He looks familiar. Didn't he used to be on this show once? Hey, call me nuts, but I totally blew off the Pro Bowl yesterday - AND I felt absolutely NO football withdrawl! (On the other hand, I sure suffered from *WXO* withdrawl!)

Tonight's show is brought to you through the kind sponsorship of Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli, WWF: The Music (Volume 4 - get it at Coconuts, Record Town and Camelot music stores), and SKITTLES!

LUNA TUNES (with Gangrel, a burning ring o' far and promos) v. JACQUELINE

Kevin Kelly CONTINUES to stand in front of that exciting door!

WrestleMania 2000 for the N64 ad - again - I am now tired of it

Ditto Farmclub.com

Another exterior shot - let's take this moment to tell you that phonefree.com presents WWF NO WAY OUT - stick around for the Rock, but first...

Let's Take A Special Video Look at Tazz - "Welcome to my world - out here survival is not an option - it's mandatory. People I grew up with are either dead or in jail. I know pain. You can't hurt me! I've seen defeat! You can't stop me! The Mood is About to Change..."

Kevin Kelly stands with the Rock - and, as you might guess, rudely has his question interrupted with a motion of the hand, a "Finally, the Rock...," a healthy discussion of poontang pie culminating in Kelly modeling the new "POONTANG PIE" T-shirt in the usual fashion, Rock promising to defeat the Big Show to get to WrestleMania and take on Triple H or Cactus Jack, he cares not who, he'll slap the fat off the Big Show, and he volunteers for Cactus Jack's tag team tonight, and it doesn't matter what the Radicals' names are, and they should roll up their contracts, put rubber bands around 'em and stick 'em straight up their candyasses, and are you smelling what I am cooking? And the WORST part is we didn't get to see Kelly get that faraway look in his eyes as they listened to the millions of fans chanting his name because he's got the damn T-shirt over his head!

D'Lo and Godfather admire their Tejas belles - and now all eight of them are WALKING!

In that "Crazy Taxi" ad, does that chick have headlights or what? That's just about the only thing keeping me interested enough to watch it all four times - and, hell, she's ANIMATED! How sad is THAT?

GODFATHER & D'LO BROWN (with a dozen - no, a half dozen ladies) v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ - Godfather's shtick is interrupted by a charging set of half-brothers...but Godfather bests D-Von with his big boot, a back body drop and a clothesline, and tags in D'Lo. Godfather with a scoop slam, Brown off the ropes with a splash, Godfather off the ropes with a legdrop. Did Ross just say "Man in the Moon" sucked? Off the ropes, duck, D-Von takes him down to the mat. D-Von with a scoop slam of his own - second rope legdrop wouldn't have found anybody even if Brown HADN'T moved. Tag to Godfather! Knockdown, knockdown, scoop - and a slam - shot for Buh-Buh Ray, D-Von put in a corner and it's time once again for the Ho Train! All six ho's on the apron, distracting referee "Blind" Freddie Sparta (just kidding - it's Tim White, of course) and allowing Buh-Buh Ray to come in with a chop block. Godfather tags and rolls to the outside - then stays there. Brown doing all right - knocking down D-Von, scoop slam for Buh-Buh Ray, standing flourished legdrop. Whip is reversed, but Brown ducks and hits a powerbomb - and now going up to the top - frog splash! 1, 2, Buh-Buh pulls him off. Brown punching away on Buh-Buh Ray - off the ropes, reversed, 3D! G'night. (2:51) Time to bring out the furniture - Buh-Buh Ray asks for D'Lo Brown to be put on the table - but D-Von grabs B.B. (who was out to tend to Godfather's imaginary injury) instead. On the commentary table...holy crap, they CAN'T do it with the table that far out - ahh, right on cue and over the barricade, the HARDY BOYZ, EDGE & CHRISTIAN come out to make the save. The Dudleyz give us the "we were THAT close to doing something extra cool" hand signal. B.B. looks appropriately terrified.

Here's a quick peek at the Stone Cold funny car - Jerry Tolliver won at Pomona yesterday, we are told. Saaaay...how many wins does the WCW racing team have this year? Also, this clip took about 15 seconds, as opposed to the "This week in WCW Motorsports" supersegments. But I'm not ABOUT comparing the Big 2 - just thought it was interesting.

Wahoo! Another ad for WrestleMania 2000 for the N64!

Gee, I forget what's next - oh yeah, Farmclubdotcom, thanks for reminding me!

WrestleMania proper is in EIGHT weeks! Or so the graphic tells us...just like you can't say "SuperBrawl X" (or whatever), you can't say "WrestleMania XVI." You just put "2000" after it now.

Cole and Jack stand together - sounds like an interview to come...

Another look at our hosts - Lawler channels Bobby Heenan and quotes "a friend in need is a pest."

We play the same batch of opening interview highlights we played earlier in the show - what's the deal, we're not going long yet? Or...dare I suggest that it's because this hour is *unopposed*? Oh, no, that'd be cynical and un-WWF-mark-like of me...

Michael King Cole

Here's a look at the competition getting ready - getting ready to WALK!

Next Monday, RAW at 11 - OK!

Hey, Mankind's gonna invade Manhattan one more time - Lookout! That much ravioli will KILL you!

TREBLE H & X-PAC (with Stephanie Ono & Tori) and PERRY SATURN & DEAN MALENKO & CHRIS BENOIT (with Eddie "Guerrera") v. CACTUS JACK & LA ROCA in a Handicap Match - Rock and Jack get in the ring - but the lights are out and the music is playing - and TOO COOL & RIKISHI PHATU run to join the Forces of Good as Stephanie takes third headset for some mumblin'. Chaos ensues. That's a nice shot of Rock holding H's hair and lookin' around. Finally we get back to the ring as Grand Master Sexay hits a hanging neckbreaker on X-Pac - second rope kneedrop misses, tag to Saturn, Sexay with a powerslam, tag to Hotty, off the ropes, double back elbow, pose, double elbow drop. Saturn whipped into the corner, bulldog by Scotty. Time now for the Wurm. Off the ropes, reversed, knee in the back by Malenko, Hotty with a shot for him, but he turns back into a butterfly suplex. Spinning heel kick, into the corner, whip out into the opposite corner, follow clothesline - Hotty reverses a suplex with a reverse suplex and tags in Phatu. Malenko gets a few blows in, but they have no effect - clothesline. Off the ropes, head down, Sunset flip attempt - no - Malenko begs off as the butt beckons. Tag to Benoit - right into a Samoan Drop - off the ropes, duck, Benoit trying for a suplex, no, attempt, shot to the back of the head, GERMAN SUPLEX!! Into the ropes, reversed, belly-to-belly by Phatu. DAMN this action is paced fast. FAT ASS SPLASH into the corner! Tag to Benoit and he's ALL over him with piston-rights. Bangbang! Shot for Triple H on the apron, and now he's out after him. Onto the commentary table! The troops attack from behind to help out Helmsley. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner bringing them back into the ring but it's a multiteam on Jack in the unfriendly territory. H know going for about a MILLION kicks and stomps on Jack. Jack dumps him over, but H pops up and tags in X-Pac. Off the ropes, gutshot, swinging neckbreaker by Jack - HOT TAG TO THE ROCK! All over X-Pac - kiss that righ, Malenko in, spinebuster, one for Benoit, Rock Bottom for X-Pac - 1, 2, H drops a knee to break it up. Gutshot, gutshot, Pedigree attempt, superkick by Phatu - Saturn with a superkick of his own - X-Pac and Rock left in the ring - broncobuster attempt is met with a clothesline. Tag to Sexay - he's on top, he's got the goggles - Tennessee Jam! But Benoit pulls him down from behind - he turns and eats a spinning heel kick. H tagged in - off the ropes, duck, high knee. Crowd is RABID. In the corner, tag to Saturn. Off the ropes, hard lariat. Tag to Benoit,

Hot damn, how 'bout all that WRESTLING? THAT'S my kinda closing quarter hour! Man, all it needed was ... Steve Blackman!! Nah, just kidding. It was fine. But hey, you know, you've GOT him...