/14 February 2000
WWF RAW is WAR
LATE WORD: It sounds like I might be on The Edge again on Thursday. This time I want some calls and letters! Yeah!
QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 11 15/16 (+ 5/16)
The last time I saw the WWF at the San Jose Arena, it was January, 1993 for a Superstars taping. You don't need ME to tell you a lot's changed since then...just off the top of my head, I don't think there was a performer on tonight's show that was around back then - even commentators! Oh, wait, the refs are basically the same. Okay.
I got an email at the last minute from Larry (Sportsline producer) who said that the WWF never acknowledged the FAX they sent, so he didn't know if I had scored credentials or not, but I might want to take a chance and find out. I called up the San Jose Arena and was DENIED! But, thanks to Adam, I got comped about an hour before the show started, so it's all good.
KSJO and Wild 94.9 were both out in force, handing out freebies with their respective logos on them and blank other sides suitable for the markings of magic persuasion - KSJO, of course, being locally clever with "I (heart) THE ROCK" signs - the Rock being the name by which their station is better known, as well as a wrestler of some renown.
My seats were dead center, seventeen rows up - of course, the cameras were TEN rows up, so you wouldn't have seen me on TV - and just as well. Also, the local ABC affiliate, KNTV, set up in front of me for a bit, then decided to film elsewhere. I forgot to check the news to see if something made the 11 at 11 news or not. Anybody else watch the news instead of RAW? No? Ah.
At 1912, announcer HOWARD FINKEL and timkeeper MARK YEATON came out and we were ready to roll! After the standard "don't throw things, don't jump the fail, laser pens are bad" speech, we went to the dark matches:
FUNAKI beat FRANKIE LAZARIAN in about 4 minutes. I probably completely garbled the name of the prelim guy, but he hit a tope that was absolutely Eric Watts-ian in it's ineptness. The ref was completely unfamiliar looking to me, a big grey guy.
In a match that may or may not make it to Metal and Jakked, BIG BOSSMAN pinned BILLY D. (not to be confused with Lando) in about 4 minutes with a spinning Bossman Slam.
The Metal and Jakked commentary teams were then introduced.
In the Metal Opener, PRINCE ALBERT defeated TIM PATTERSON (?) with not one, but two bicycle kicks. Perhaps the first one didn't look good, so they redid it and the first one will be edited out later. I say it's the Metal Opener because Kevin Kelly and Tom Prichard took the table during this match.
They laid out for Jonathan Coachman & Michael Hayes, so let's call this the Jakked Opener. The ACOLYTES defeated the HEAD BANGERS when Bradshaw hits El Lariat del Muerte Caliente.
LILIAN GARCIA came out to B.B's old music - she may suck as a ring announcer, but she's quite the leggy one, she is.
The ring and ceiling banners are changed to the show logo and it's almost time!
LARRY KING comes out to Oklahoma's theme - no, wait...
JERRY LAWLER comes out to his own music - and a rousing ovation!
Lilian Garcia sang the national anthem. Now, THIS she was very good at. Now I understand her website! As long as she's around, I have NO CHANCE to tackle the anthem at a WWF card - she's got a mean set of pipes. Now, if only it could translate to her ring announcing (non)ability...
After counting down the final minutes, we were ON THE AIR!!
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Opening Credits - Closed Captioned - and rated TV-14-DLV
LIGHT THE PYRO and it's SO much noisier in person - we are LIVE late night from the Shark Tank - the San Jose Arena in San Jose, CA on St. Valentine's Day 2000 and the place is JAM PACKED TO THE RAFTERS - No kidding! Looks like a legit sellout to me - I think this configuration of the Arena allows somewhere around fifteen thousand, and the seats were definitely filled all the way to the top of the upper balcony.
PERRY SATURN, DEAN MALENKO, CHRIS BENOIT & EDDIE GUERRERO walk to the ring to start off tonight's festivities. Am I dreaming or does Lilian really want Eddie to be related to Juventud? Before anybody says anything, it's time for another entrance - this time DX (and Tori & Stephanie Ono) come out - Tori in Gertner-esque collar and Stephanie reminding us that the longer the skirt, the longer the slit. 'Pac isn't in sync with his pyro but you can't tell on TV. All right, we got ten folks in the ring - now what? Now an "asshole" chant. Stephanie's got THE STICK: "All right, listen up! I said LISTEN up!" None of us can hear her, though - her voice doesn't carry too well. "All right then, SHUT UP! SHUT UP and watch!" Let Us Take You Back to Thursday as Kane tombstones Tori after wrestling with his conscience (so to speak). "Look at this defenseless woman! Look at the fear in her eyes! Look at this poor, defenseless woman! She was an innocent victim! And it was YOU - it was all of YOU that made Kane react the way he did. How DARE you! How dare ALL of you! Kane was gonna do the right thing - he let Tori go - and it was YOUR reaction that made him tombstone Tori. You make me SICK! And I hold each and every one of you personally responsible. Look at the suffering that you've caused - look look, look at the pain and suffering, the torture! Well, if it's suffering you want, then it's suffering you'll get TONIGHT." Triple H: "You know, maybe up until now we've gone a little too easy on our adversaries. Some people say they make the mistake of - thinking kindness is a weakness. Well, starting tonight there will be no mistakes. There will be no kindess; there will be no damn weakness. And it starts with Too Cool. Grand Master Sexay - you will be bitten tonight by a ravenous dog, because you will step into the Dogg House with the Road Dogg Jesse James. Scotty Too Hotty, you think you're gonna wurm your way to victory? The problem is you're gonna come face to face with 275 pounds of Badd Ass with bad intent - Badd Ass Billy Gunn. And speaking of ass, that brings me to Saturn and Malenko - the two of you will team up tonight to face the biggest ass in the world - and I mean that in more ways than one; tonight the two of you will step into the ring with Rikishi. Now that brings me to the Rock. You see, Rock, you're looking so forward to your match with the Big Show at No Way Out - but I hate to disappoint you, Rock, because after tonight you probably won't make it to No Way Out, because you will be lucky to leave this ring in one piece, because tonight you will go one on one with the Crippler, Chris Benoit. Which brings me back to the beginning - which brings me back to Kane. Kane, you need to be taught a lesson - obviously you don't play well with others - you need to be taught about respect - you need to be taught about respect for women. ["asshole" chant] Seems you need to be taught some respect too. Kane, you need to learn that women should be treated as your equals (or in your case, that women should be treated as your superiors.) Look, you burnt freak, just because of your little sexual inadequacies, you can't go running around beatin' up on women - you can't go in the ring and tombstone...little virginal, virtuous Tori. Just because you couldn't get the job done - you couldn't satisfy Tori - you can't just attack a woman, a defenseless woman. And just because X-Pac has got the X Factor to get the job done, you can't just attack him. Now, Kane, I know that you want another shot at X-Pac. I know that you want one more No Holds Barred match with X-Pac at No Way Out. Well, Kane, congratulations, it's your lucky day because you've got it!" X-Pac takes a bit of umbrage. "Hold on now, hold on, all you've gotta do now Kane is beat ME and the partner of my choosing in a 'no disqualification' handicap match TONIGHT." X-Pac decides this is okay after all. "Now, whaddaya say, Kane? After all, if anybody knows about the meaning of the word 'handicap,' it's you." The lights dim and the music plays - and it's TOO COOL & RIKISHI PHATU slowly walking down the aisle. They stop at the bottom - the lights go out again - THROUGH HELL FIRE & BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE (with Paul Bearer).
Hmm, I have a sneaky
suspicion - yup. LA
It's the World Entrance Federation! Get the feeling this is their way of
saying "Thanks for staying awake until 11, here's everybody to reward you?"
Pier Twelve Brawl breaks out (Eddie and the women scatter and Paul stays
outside). The ring quickly empties of heels and Kane lights up the corners
as the six remaining in the ring make faces at the ten on the outside of
the ring. "This is shaping up to be one of the most exciting nights ever
on RAW, King!" Thanks, TONY.
During the Break and off TV, everybody leaves - of course, the crowd chants for the Rock. Rock acknowledges the chants by jerking his hit in several directions.
EDGE (you think you Ro-Sham-Bo him, with Christian) v. MATT HARDY (with Jeff Hardy) v. D-VON DAMN DUDLEY (with Buh-Buh Ray Damn Dudley) in a Triple Threat match for the #1 Contendership to the titles for his tag team - Let Us Take You Back to No End of Clips of the Dudleyz wreaking havoc on B.B., Terri, the Hardys, and these other guys, too! I'm still waiting for J.R., by the way...Lawler can say "orgasmic" all he wants, but I don't think that's the right word there. D-Von rushes the ring only to find himself on the wrong end of a doubleteam. Double flapjack! In fact, Edge and Hardy seem to be fighting to see who gets to do the damage, as each pushes the other away to get at Dudley. Hardy with an all fours assisted heel kick, Edge kicking away, then drop toehold-ing Hardy into the graun of Dudley. Edge misses a splash in the corner, Dudley clotheslines Hardy. Just off camera, Buh-Buh Ray is giving Ross the bad mouth. D-Von takes Edge over the top rope with a clothesline, then scoop slams Hardy - off the ropes with an elbowdrop - 1, 2, kickout. Vertical suplex - 1, 2, no. Edge finally getting back up - on the top turnbuckle - missile dropkick finds the mark - Dudley's head colliding with Hardy's! Buh-Buh Ray up on the apron - Hardy over to pull him to the floor - he and Christian hit a DOUBLE SUPLEX ON THE FLOOR! Back in the ring, Edge ducks a right and rolls up D-Von - Hardy breaks the count and tosses Edge. Standing Diamond Cutter - top rope SENTON BOMB! 1, 2, *Edge* breaks up the count. Hardy and Edge shoving now - then both punching D-Von as he stands up. Hardy takes Edge to the mat, then whips Dudley into the corner - it's reversed, so Hardy walks up the turnbuckle, flips and lands on his feet - again he tries to clothesline D-Von, but he ducks it - Hardy turns around as Dudley sidesteps an Edge spear - which hits Hardy. Got it? Edge shrugs - then falls backwards in a jumpin' Slop Drop. 1, 2, 3!!!!! (3:01) The Dudley Boyz get the title shot, which must mean the Outlaws really ARE faces - at least they will be at No Way Out. Back in the ring, the Hardys and Edge & Christian are having words.
The unblinking eye of the WWF camera finds Mark Henry & Mae Young at a hotel - the clerk at the counter asks if he wants two adjoining rooms. He must not watch much TV! Henry requests a honeymoon suite. The clerk attempts to keep a straight face as Henry sings "Let's Get It Own..."
Here's a look at the gorgeous facade of the Arena - and the electronic message board that tells us the RAW IS WAR is SOLD OUT!
ROAD DOGG v. GRAND MASTER SEXAY - it's he, it's he, heard this before have we.
Ross tells us that Rock vs. Benoit is "a dream matchup - a
matchup I've wanted to see for years." Yeah, you and EVERY OTHER INTERNET
FAN OUT THERE, Ross. Dogg rushes Sexay and it's on. Dogg wiggles and hits
a right. Off the ropes, duck, slide under, full nelson, front slam. Sexay
busting a move, then hitting a baseball slide dropkick. Head to the STEEL
steps. Rolled back in, off the ropes, Dogg hits a flying jalapeno. He's
doing the two scoops! Sexay gets up, takes a look, and JOINS him! That's
funny! Sexay ducks a clothesline and hits a superkick - 1, 2, no. He
learned that from Rikishi! Into the corner, reversed, boot up - ready for
a bulldog from the second rope, and it hits. Sexay tells the crowd maybe
one more? Dogg hangs on and shoves Sexay into the second turnbuckle,
rendering him sterile. Off the ropes, kick, Sexay doubles over, another
kick, 1, 2, no. Dogg puts a knee between the shoulderblades and works the
chinlock. Crowd springs to life and Sexay gets up, elbow, elbow, Dogg with
a kick, suplex is blocked, again, Sexay hangs him out to dry on the top
rope. Now the shirt's off - all the girls (and some of the gay guys) go
WILD! Right, right, off the ropes, reversed, head down, Sexay with a DDT.
Sexay whipping him into the corner, doing "the Thriller," another whip into
the corner, powerslam, and it's time to go up and finish this. Off camera,
a cameraman helpfully positions Sexay's goggles where he can find them -
he's up top and putting 'em on - Tennessee Jam MISSES, Road Dogg has the
pumphandle - and the slam - and the pinfall. 1, 2, 3. (Call 4:11)
Henry and Young get out of the elevator, where the all-seeing eye of the WWF camera is waiting for them. They walk to the room, Henry opens the door - then carries Young through the threshold. He comes back for the luggage. The "Do Not Disturb" sign is placed on the doorknob...oo-ee.
The Godfather, D'Lo Brown, and some ho's are WALKING!
THA GODFATHA & D'LO BROWN (with eight - no, four ho's) v. HEAD CHEESE (with Head & No Cheese) - In case you missed it, we're LIVE! Hey, somebody write Herb Kunze and tell him how dismayed I am that the Godfather is out before midnight! Backstage, we see Snow attempting to hypnotize Blackman. "You have an engaging personality." "Go away." "You have a winning smile." "Leave me alone." "People find you exciting in the ring." "I hate you." "You are head ch-- ... cheese." "Well, ,look at that - it's time for our match!" He holds Snow's nose, and when Snow opens his mouth, Blackman puts the pocket watch in it. "See you in the ring!" "Obviously, somebody's not taking this serious anymore!" Blackman & Snow walk out together to Blackman's music. Hey, remember when Blackman took the ho's? He DID have a winning smile! The ladies swarm Blackman as Godfather takes THE STICK: "Hey, listen up Steve. Ohh, come on and relax man, let some of that tension out! Whachoo doin' man? Man, show a little personality, man. Listen listen man, we can - listen to me! We can do this any time, man, at any time. I say you, me and these fine fine girls - we go to downtown San Jose, and we light it up all night long!" Blackman: "Get out of my face." "All right, have it that way - Head Cheese." Crowd starts a "Head Cheese" chant as Blackman corrects the crowd: "I am the Lethal Weapon!" Off camera, one of the ho's takes a spill and my side of the crowd is pretty merciless in making fun of her. Snow and Godfather lock up, off the ropes, knockdown, over under, dueling hiptosses, Godfather knocks him down, but misses an elbow drop. Snow
with rights, off the ropes, down,
Blackman puts a foot in the back, clothesline from Snow. Snow keeps saying
"the ho's!" while Blackman wants him to pay attention to the match - and
indeed, Brown is tagged in as Snow isn't paying attention. Brown spins
Snow around and punches away, off the ropes, nice heel kick. Snow rakes
the face, scoops - and slams, and tags in Blackman. Drop toehold by Brown,
right, off the ropes, duck, Blackman kick, kick, nice dropkick. Off the
ropes, missile shoulderblock, "head cheese" chant. Meanwhile, Snow is
outside putting moves on one of the women. Blackman turns to face Snow,
and ends up being caught in a cartwheel rollup - 1, 2, 3. The undefeated
streak is over and Blackman isn't too happy about the loss.
Henry and Young, arm in arm, share a private moment... with the ubiquitous WWF camera, you, me, and all the other viewers. Young promises to slip into something more comfortable, while Henry acts like he's all excited about getting a piece of Young.
The Rock anxiously paces about - at any moment he could exit and be at the corner of St. John & Montgomery! And THEN, man, he'd be LOST 'cause the ring is the OTHER way...
WrestleMania 2000 for the N64 ad.
Positive K is NOT a "Monster of Rap" - Alex was right
WrestleMania 2000 is *7* weeks away!
OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE, NATIONAL MERIT SCHOLAR, AMERICAN GLADIATOR AND THE ONE CALORIE IN A CAN OF DIET PEPSI KURT ANGLE comes out. (By the way, we're LIVE.) "Ever since I won this prestigious European championship belt, I couldn't help but take notice to the many changes in Europe. For instance, the economy is up - suicide rates are down, and last but not least (and I- I couldn't believe this when I saw it), tourism has increased 16.4%. WOW. That's how I feel. While in America, the stock market has PLUMMETED, the crime rate has risen to an all-time high this year - it's true - and towns like San Jose continue to fall to a deeper depression. It's true! Have you seen your town lately? It's true. Now, ironically, this has all occurred ever since Chris Jericho won the Intercontinental belt, and he represents all of you! So I feel it's my duty (as an American hero) to do the same for America as I have graciously done for Europe. Tonight, I am CHALLENGING Y2J - thank you! Thank you - I am challenging Y2J at No Way Out for the Intercontinental Championship! Now - I feel that I would make a MUCH better champion than a foul-mouthed hooligan that has the audacity to call himself the *Ayatollah* - I mean, come on! So it's important for ME to pull these people - all of you, all of America - out of it's misery! So I am challenging Chris Jericho to come out here and accept my bid for an intercontinental title! Come on, Chris..." We wait. "You know what? Hold up a second. Whoa! Hold up a second!" Crowd working a "Y2J" groove. "Could I have your attention, please? This is so typical. I mean, he's probably down in Hollywood with his pal Chyna, making a mockery of our industry, and embarrassing herself on a national television program, a late night show. Could we have the footage?" Let Us Take You Back to Friday, where Chyna appeared on Leno. "Look at that. Now, I can't believe what I'm seeing. You see, I was on the Jay Leno show, the Tonight show, I was on it once after the Olympic games - but I didn't embarrass myself - I had decency - I had respect for myself - I didn't walk out in a - in a - um - a LATEX RUBBER SUIT, for God's sake! I NEVER embarrassed myself, and you know why? Because I live my life by s - three set of rules - a simple set of rules that I call the three I's - and they are - yes! Please chant it with me! Intensity! Integrity! And--" and the Y2J countdown cuts him off. A clean-shaven CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO is out. "All right San Jose! Welcome to RAW is JERICHO! And Kirk Angel, as Confucious once said, 'if you ain't got nothin' entertaining to say, then shut - the hell - up!' You say that since Y2J has had the intercontinental championship that America has fallen into a decline. Well I say that since you've been standing in that ring, babbling on that microphone, America has fallen asleep! When you look at yourself, you see a courageous Olympic hero, but when I look atcha, all I see is a ridiculous Special Olympics jackass...and I don't know if I want to give you a title shot at No Way Out, but I DO know that I wanna give you a Y2J beating - RIGHT - NOW..." and he runs to the ring. Punches are exchanged, Angle to the face, taking him off the rope, duck, Jericho hits a clothesline. Knee, knee, knee, now pummeling him - the REFS are out to break it up and Angle rolls outside. We see THAT SLUT CHYNA walking down the aisle - the camera misses Chyna DDT'ing Angle, but it's probably just as well, because Angle didn't really land in convincing fashion, seeing it live.
Mark Henry, lies in bed...and in wait. How'd that camera get past the "Do Not Disturb" sign, anyway? Young is almost ready. Time for Henry to throw a pair of boxers on the floor. (Ewww!) Young comes out...in red lingerie. She's his Valentine, see. Oy. She leaps into the bed...both lovers disappear under the covers...
And we take a look at our commentators, LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. Lawler is pretending to rolf in his crown, he's so shocked by this public display of affection! If this REALLY bothered him, he'd ask what the HELL that camera is doing there...
That Benoit/Rock graphic (whoa, who ever thought we'd see THAT?) means that that there match is NEXT!
"Moments Ago," Chyna DDT'd Angle. Camera misses it AGAIN - but,
like I said, it's probably better off
CHRIS BENOIT (with Eddie Guerrera and RAW credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box) v. LA ROCA - Rock starts off with - wait for it - brawling. Whip, reverse, elbow. Stomping away - Benoit firing back with stomps and chops, then kicks and punches. Back to Rock punching and kicking. Head to the buckle. Off the ropes, reversed, boot from the Rock since his head was down, but Benoit hits a clothesline. Benoit with a snap suplex. Backbreaker across the knee - for 2. Off the ropes, reversed, gutshot, off the ropes, swinging neckbreaker by the Rock for 2. Rock kicks as they both get up, right, elbow, choke on the second rope, off the ropes, reversed, Guerrero grabs the leg, Rock turns to Guerrero, then turns back to eat a big knockdown by Benoit. 2 count. Benoit stomping away. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner pulling Benoit back, and Guerrero getting in some shots of his own. Benoit goes outside and continues the beating on the Rock. We walk around the ring - now Rock comes back with rights, head to the barricade, Benoit reverses, hammer lock, into the ringpost, now over to the commentary table. Benoit with a STEEL chair to Rock. Hebner and Guerrero having a chat about Eddie's elbow off camera. Benoit in command, now sweeping the leg to take him down, and there's a cross arm breaker. Rock lacing his fingers to prevent the leverage. Benoit back to his feet, stomp, chop, off the ropes, reverse, clothesline by the Rock. Benoit ducks a right and hits a belly-to-back suplex. 1, 2, no. Benoit puts a boot on him - Rock reverses and hits a DDT, but Guerrero is on the apron and Hebner is distracted. Rock over to give Eddie a shot, and when he turns back, Benoit slaps on the Crippler crossface! Rock slowly, slowly, inches towards the bottom rope - and gets it. Bummer. Benoit has a shouting match with the one man shorter than he is - Hebner. Back to the chop (woooo!), another, and one more - Rock turns the tables and punches away as if the chops meant nothing. Off the ropes, no, Rock holds on and puts him down with a Samoan Drop. 1, 2, no. Off the ropes, Rock with a spinebuster. Big-time clothesline to take Benoit to the outside - Rock follows. Up the ramp we go, right, right, once again Guerrero monopolises Hebner, whoops WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW. Show PASTES Rock - back in the ring, Benoit hits a belly-to-back and bridges. Hebner, after an eternity, is over to count - 1, 2, holy crap, 3!!! (7:43) Benoit wins! Man I never BELIEVED Rock would be the first one to job for Benoit, but he did - AND he actually kept his shoulders down for about 10. I guess I gotta cut him some slack for a while now. Dammit. Post-match, Rock is out to get some revenge on the Big Show, but Benoit and Guerrero make it three on one, and surprisingly, even though the one is the Rock, the three take the advantage. Thrown back in the ring for Benoit's SWANDIVE HEADBUTT! The bad folks walk off, leaving the Rock wondering what just happened. That was cool! Sure, we'll probably see him at the end of the show, but at least for the next 45 minutes or so, I can feel QUITE content, thank you very much.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - well it's a big shove to the
mat by the face. There's that headbutt again. Ross swore up and down that
Show was in Hawaii - oops.
MICHAEL KING COLE asks Big Show how he feels about what just happened. Show says that was a work of art - and at No Way Out, Show should have no problems with the Rock. "The Big Show is going to WrestleMania - hallelujah!"
Meanwhile, in bed, Henry has a present for Young - "sweet chocklits from Sexual Chocklit." Young also has a present - "edible undies." She puts them (ack) on - hey, do you think they really did it if she had those hose on the whole time? Henry claps off the lights - and then the next thing we hear is, "Mmmmm! Tutti fruiti!" The less said about this...
KING ASS (with Road Dogg) v. SCOTTY TOO HOTTY (with Grand Master Sexay) - Ass comes out to the Outlaws theme, who can say why. Dogg says he isn't gonna say the same thing as before, then works up some crappy poetry for our benefit. Ass asks us to say "suck it" so we do. Come to think of it, why do these guys come out with their partners when earlier...eh. Tonight, a Light Heavyweight title match! Lockup, to the corner, Ass kick, right, kick, right, kick, right, right, right, right, words for referee "Blind" Teddy Long. Scoop - and a slam. Pickup, scoop - and a slam! Ass adjusting his trunks - err - then jumps off - into a punch. Now Hotty is punching away. Off the ropes, nice dropkick. Ass holds on in the corner, Taylor chops, whip works this time, there's the bulldog off the ropes. Hotty making face - must be time for the Wurm. Hoo, hoo, hoo, hai-ya! Off the ropes, Ass reverses, knee in the gut, jackhammer. Hotty whipped into the corner, Ass charges and the splash hits, but Sexay, up on the apron, throws a loaded right - everybody falls and Hotty's on top of that rollup - 1, 2, 3! (1:59) Gunn LEVELS him with a clothesline post-match but he's still lost.
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands in front of an exciting door! WOW!!
During the break and off TV, a couple of 49ers fans strongly in denial make their presence felt. Seeing as this is more of a Raiders crowd, they may have been better served just keeping their signage and dress to themselves...
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - well, they never SAID the right hand was loaded, but I have to think the way Gunn fell it MUST have been...
CRASH HOLLY (with Hardcore & Scale Holly) v. ESSA RIOS (with Lita) for the Light Heavyweight Championship - Rather than broach the rather thorny issue of how a super heavyweight can compete, Garcia just doesn't announce Holly's name (or weight). Rios (I still think his first name should be "Ese," oh well) has new Santanified music - too bad, I liked his SuperAstros-type music. Let Us Take You Back to Last Night where the incomparable Gillberg was defeated last night, bringing the Light Heavyweight title out of mothballs for the first time in well over a year. Also of note is the fact that this is the LAST belt to still carry the "old" WWF logo on it. Well, okay, nobody cares but me - I just think that's interesting. Oh, you wanted to know about the MATCH? Hang on while I tell you that Hardcore has taken third headset and says that Crash has decided to go the opposite direction of Super Heavyweight by getting the Light Heavyweight championship. Holly with a knuckle lock, climbing to the top, split-legged, lands on his feet, Rios ducks a clothesline and kicks, kick, kick, now HE'S got a knuckle lock, tightroping to the top, springs up, off the top, armdragalike, looks neat, anyway. Into the corner, Holly turns it around and sits him on top. Forearm, Rios blocks another and hits a tornado DDT. Off the ropes, chop, another,
Crash reverses a whip
and there's a drop toehold into the bottom rope. Crash stomping away now.
Into the corner, out of the corner, followup splash misses and he crotches
himself - Rios with a superneckbreaker for 2. Off the ropes, spinning heel
kick, into the ropes, Holly holds on and rolls out. Holly points to his
head but doesn't notice Rios out on the apron - huracanrana! And now the
lovely Lita is over - and SHE hits a 'rana! Back in the ring, gutshot,
vertical suplex, rather low kick, moonsault, that's it. 1, 2, 3.
Of course, Lita moonsaults Holly post-match for good measure. Hardcore
laughs and expresses his disappointment.
Kevin Kelly is still standing in front of that door, yo
During the break and off the TV, Crash manages to sell his poor head almost the entire time - that is, when he and Hardcore aren't being given direction from the floor manager.
Moments Ago, there was a moonsault - and then another. Back to live action. "Crash - what seems to be your problem - I'll tell you what, just shut the hell up right now. Not only did you embarrass the Holly family, but you embarrassed me. First of all, Elroy, I mean Crash - ya got beat by a Light Heavyweight - not only did you get beat by a light heavyweight, but you got beat by a woman, too! Now I know you have your problem with women, but that's okay, that's good and all - because it's a good thing you have that right hand, because that's the only thing you're gonna get from a woman. Now I'll tell you what - go get you a pen and paper, no forget that, because you're one illiterate son of a bitch - I'll tell you what, get out of this ring right now, and watch how Hardcore Holly kicks ass around here!"
HARDCORE HOLLY (already in the ring, with Hardcore & Scale Holly) v. TAZZZZZZZ - Hmmm, I don't like his odds, myself. Tazz was rather over, from the response I heard live, not to mention the "ECW" chant you could even hear at home. Ross says "smash mouth." 1, 2, kickout. Punches are exchanged, Holly in control, knee from Tazz, off the ropes, kick by Tazz, atomic drop by Holly, clothesline, cover, 1, 2, no. Tazz buries a right, overhand right, looping right, right, Holly to the face. Holly chokes on the second rope, then as he and referee "Blind" Jack Doan talk it over, Crash chokes as well. Off the ropes, Best Dropkick in the Business by Holly. He celebrates a bit too long - Nothern Lights Tazzplex for 2. Tazzline. Tazz toehold. Forearms (Tazzarms?) - there's that choke - Crash is in to break it up (DQ 2:19) - and gets a head-and-arm Tazzplex for his troubles. Crash dumped out on his head - Hardcore doing some shoving as they go back up the ramp...
Kevin Kelly greets the Rock as he FINALLY exits his dressing room, then feels the wrong end of a shove as Rock WALKS on by...
During the break and off TV, a blow-up doll is confiscated from the audience...much to everyone's amusement except the security guys.
The Dog Show continues TOMORROW!
Mankind has run out of Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli! Hide your children!
RAW is WAR is brought to you by Chef Boyardee Overstuff Ravioli, WWF: The Music (Volume 4 - available at Sam Goody & Musicland), and T.G.I.Friday's - home of the Jack Daniels Grill!
RIKISHI PHATU (with RAW is WAR
brought to you by) v. DEAN MALENKO
& PERRY SATURN in a Handicap match - they sure
seem to be saying "LIVE" an
awful lot, aren't they? Must be the whole "specialness" of tonight and
all. Saturn & Malenk attack before the bell, but can't take the big man
off his feet. Sandwiched between clotheslines. Double atomic drop! But
all that does is hurt THEIR knees! Double clothseline by Phatu! Each man
goes down with one blow. Malenko taken off the ropes, Diamond Cutteralike
for him, Samoan Drop for Saturn. Saturn backs into the corner, sitting on
his partner, unfortunately. Riksihi is over now. Sittin' back and
wigglin' on Saturn's face - Malenko gets two cheeksful as well. Saturn
manages a superkick to come back, Malenko hits a sweet dropkick to take him
to the mat. They're making a wish. Double dropkick to the face. Stomping
away - they're both staying in the whole match, I guess. Going for the
double suplex - but Phatu REVERSES into a DOUBLE SUPLEX of his own! Phatu
with a right for each man. Whip into the corner for Malenko - ready for
the splash but Saturn pulls him to safety. Knife-edge chop by Saturn.
Both men attack, whip into the corner, follow lariat has no effect,
clothesline for Malenko, superkick for Saturn, Rikishi Driver for Malenko,
setting him up - Saturn pulls away - but there's a shot - Rikishi Driver is
shaken off, but Phatu manages a BELLY-to-belly. Dragging both men to the
corner for the Banzai Drop, but not before EDDIE GUERRERO sneaks out
a piece of pipe and whacks him in the ankle (DQ 3:20) Guerrero passes the
pipe and the attack on the ankle continues until TOO COOL comes out to make
Triple H & Stephanie are...WALKING!
During the break and off TV, Phatu limps out with a member of Too Cool on each side helping him along. The crowd expresses disapproval that we may not get a dance tonight...
The WWF Free-for-all, sponsored by phonefree.com, is Kane's tombstone of Tori ("My God!") - which is free because...er....
phonefree.com presents WWF No Way Out 27 February!
THROUGH HELL FIRE & BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE (with Paul Barrow & PPV promo) v. TRIPLE H and ? (with Stephanie Ono) - Kane with the "surprise" pyro to scare all of us. During a break, the tech crew refilled the flashpots with whatever makes those gigantic flames so he could light them again. I ALMOST thought we'd make it without Triple H's theme, but no dice. The next music we hear is that of X-PAC (with Tori) but all four stop halfway down the ramp - and now H introduces his partner. Huh? Well, it turns out that actually, H's partner - WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW, and here's a SECOND batch of surprise pyro. The tech guys went to put the Big Show's rocket launchers on the apron, only to pull them when it was obvious the action was gonna start before he could hit the ring and trigger them. H posing on the apron, so Kane hits him from behind. Show up, Show down, H shoved into Show, Kane his him in a choke and FINALLY they get it together and take control. Show kicking away. H on the outside - so in the "no DQ" handicap match, they're actually going to tag. Show punching away - Kane absorbing it and feeling nothing - now blocking and punching away on his own. Reversal off the ropes, head down, uppercut by Kane, kick, uppercut, off the ropes, reverse, double choke - up and down. Cover, 2. Headbutt, tag to Triple H. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, right right, right, right, right, right, right, right, and so on. Whip is reversed, Kane puts a head down, H hits a facecrusher, H hits a high knee, H drops a knee - I mean elbow, and gets 2. Into the Big Show's bit boot, tag, and now both men
|are punching away. Show with a side Russian legsweep. He wants to drop the knee but Kane hits a zombie situp. Show whips him into the corner and tags. Kane manages an uppercut, another, another, trading punches, now back to Kane only, off the ropes, head down, H with a DDT. 1, 2, no. Front face - tag - Show dropping elbows. Open-handed slap in the corner, kick, elbow, elbow, headbutt, tag to Triple H. I would describe the pace as "deliberate." Two rights, Kane fires back, trading blows, Kane hitting rights AND lefts, off the ropes, kick from Triple H, clothesline from Kane. Into the ropes, big boot, Show comes in on his own and attacks from behind. Off the ropes, Kane ducks, there's a flying clothesline. Kane putting a thumb across his throat - but H hits a Golota from behind. Show with an elbow, another, X-Pac bringing a chair to his DX mate, sidewalk slam from the Show, H putting the chair down. Show bringing him over - Pedigree time, but the crowd chants "Rock E" - and LA ROCA obliges. He comes in - right into ahhhhhtheCHOKESLAAAAAM! I am the ONLY guy in the crowd to be clapping here, but DAMN that was pretty sweet. Kane backdrops out of the Pedigree attempt, Show pounds, X-Pac is in, doubleteam is on. Triple H grabs the chair - but CACTUS JACK is out, knocking down Tori on his way, firing away with rights on H, and dumping him out. Show is working over Rock while Jack and H fight on the outside. Off the ropes, superkick for Kane from the Big Show - as he sets him up for a piledriver, Rock comes to and CHAIRS Show! Kane his him with a chokeslam of his own as Rock chairs X-Pac - Kane covering Show - 1, 2, 3! (7:19) Pier Six Brawl has erupted - Rock ready to hit the People's Elbow on the Big Show, but as he runs the ropes, H pulls away his feet! Everybody back in the ring, but this time Jack has a wrench on him. Sure enough, the ring is cleared of Triple H, Big Show and X-Pac - Kane, Jack, Rock and Bearer stand in the ring - Kane lights the ringposts one more time - the credits are up as we check out the heels on the rampway...and we're out!||
BUT in the arena, our story continued...
The crowd chanted "Rock E." As Cactus Jack's music played, he left with his wrench in hand. Kane and Paul Bearer were out next, right behind him. The Rock's music played as Ross and Lawler took off. Rock was ready to leave - but as he parted the ropes, the crowd clamored for more.
Suddenly, Big Show came back out (with his music) - and it's probably time for the San Jose crowd to get their People's elbow, methinks. Show blocks a punch, headbutt, clubbing blow, another, another, off the ropes, Rock slips it, but Show puts him down as Triple H reenters the ring. Big-time boos. Standing on the throat - who should come out to make the save but ... Rikishi Phatu? Show asking him to bring it on - Rikishi catches it, superkick! Superkick! And one for H as well. Off the ropes, running clothesline to Triple H - Rock is up now - Rock Bottom for Triple H! Another Phatu superkick for the Big Show and here's a Banzai Drop! The music starts again and Too Cool are out now. I have a feeling that right after the Rock hits the People's Elbow on Triple H...he's doing it in rhythm to the music! Off the ropes, three crotch chops, and there's the elbow. Cactus Jack is walking down the aisle all this time, as well. Sexay leading the claps in time to the Rock's theme...but Phatu is leaving! Sexay tries to stop him but he is up the aisle...crowd booing, then egging him on. Rock has the mic again - "Rikishi - Rikishi, the Rock says bring your candy ass back in the People's Ring!" And so he complies. There's a brief staredown (!) - "Now the Rock says that you owe San Jose a dance!" Crowd goes apeshit, of course. Everyone does the "American Males" clap except me - I'm TYPING here! The Magic Goggles are put on...Taylor and Christopher strike a pose...but before THAT happens..
"Wait, wait, wait! I don't know what the hell's going on here - I can't believe my eyes! But I'll tell you one thing for damn sure, Cactus Jack did NOT come to San Jose to watch you three idiots dance." Crowd gives general confusion, some boo, but all is well. "...I came to San Jose to JOIN you!" Another giant pop. And now the four men in the ring turn to the Rock - who shakes his head. I have a feeling the crowd just MIGHT change his mind. Too Cool on their knees, begging. "Rock E" chant led by Jack. Rock manages to continue to politely demur. The four men return to the centre of the ring - and finally, NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE! Of coures, Jack gives us his Dude Love knee trick. Jack tells Taylor HE wants to do the Wurm with him - and it's hilarious, as he gets NO air - it's like he's doing (or trying to do) pushups. Phatu does HIS bit and the music ends with an "arm crossed" 'hood pose. Big cheers all around. Phatu shakes hands with the Rock - Taylor and the Rock touch two fingers each. One final pose from everybody and the ring empties...
...except for the Rock. As Too Cool's theme plays one more time, Jack, Too Cool and Phatu make their way back up the ramp and behind the curtain. Phatu takes one more ear cup at the top of the ramp - and gets a large cheer from the crowd - but not as big as the one when heard when we see Rock on the EntertainmentTron doing the People's Eyebrow.
Again, Rock goes to leave - but the crowd boos. They WILL hear from their hero this night...or will they? Another head fake out of the ring - another cascade of boos.
Rock comes back in the ring - and the roof blows off the joint. Rock picks up the mic, and starts shining it. Now - it's time. And, true to my word to cut the man some slack, and because it just might be an EXCLUSIVE! for this site, here's a transcript:
"Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to San Jose! You know, the Rock says the Rock - Rikishi - Kane served up X-Pac, Triple H, and the Big Show - those three roody poo candyasses - not one, not two, but three pieces of....pie."
The crowd fires up a "Poon Tang Pie" chant.
"Now it wasn't just any kind of pie - it wan't...pecan pie. No, not even that ...peanut butter pie - it was the Rock's and San Jose's all-time favourite - poontang pie!"
The chant fires up again.
"And just out of curiosity, who's giving out poontang pie?"
The 3-year old in the seat next to me shrieked. Well, okay, no she didn't - she seemed kinda bored, actually.
"Now the Rock says he took those three pieces of pie - and you can't shine pie, so he put it in a microwave for 13.5 seconds, turned those sumbitches sideways, and stuck 'em straight up their candyasses!"
Rock motions for the tagline - but stops short. The "Rock E" chant starts up once again.
"If ya smellllllllllllalalalalalalalalalaloooow - what THE ROCK ... ... ... ... "
Nobody's left the San Jose Arena - still cheering and still chanting.
Rock gives us the Eyebrow once again...he motions for the water, and the bottle is thrown to him - he takes a swig - then throws it out to the second row.
"...for the millions..." the crowd completes that phrase with "AND MILLIONS!"
Hit the music, he is outta here.
Lilian Garcia thanks us for all our lovin' and asks us to visit the souvenir stands on our way out - thank you and good night!
It's 10:26 and I'm STARVING. If I hurry, I can get home just in time for the show to start!