Geez, I have enough of a problem knowing I'm older than the Rock!

Hey, Chris Webber with the triple double against Dennis Rodman, huh? I wish I'd seen THAT.

QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 13 1/2 (+ 1 7/8)

TONIGHT: Live on RAW, anything can happen! The Rock STILL has nothing left to lose! Kurt Angle puts it on the line against Chris Jericho! And once again it'll be all-out war...WHEN McMAHONS COLLIDE!

Let's Take a Special Video Look at this highlight package - "Sister & Brother" - "Problems" - mmmm, I see...yep....uh huh...okay...holy cow! EXACTLY as it happened on Thursday! A CIVIL WAR!! A...well, go read the SmackDown! report if you didn't see that show - that was then, and THIS - IS - NOW!

Opening Credits, closed captioned logo and unintelligible lyrics

It's like the fourth of July except EVERYBODY also brought a sign! WE ARE LIVE from the sold out Unnamed Arena in Parts Unknown (signs point to Springfield, MA) 6.3.2K and you can bet it's time for some hot action...

...either that or talking. SKIPPY & WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW come out to "No Chance in Hell." I have a feeling that of these two, Shane will do most of the talking. "Let's get right down to business, shall we? Let me take you back to last Thurrsday night - it was SmackDown! Now did the Big Show crack Triple H over the head with that steel chair by accident, or was it intentional? Let's go to the TitanTron and YOU be the judge. There it is - Big Show coming in - you know, just setting up the Rock and OOH! Let's take another look at that, perhaps another angle, and WHAM! Now was it an accident? I really don't know. ["Rock E"] But one thing I definitely DO know is that Triple H just moments later after that chairshot shoved me down to the canvas in this very ring, let's take a look at that! This was certainly no accident, I come in after Hunter's been hit off the bean, I wanted to check out Triple H, oh, make sure he was okay, and he shoved me to the canvas! Is that the gratitude I get for coming in, that's what I get, I get shoved down by Triple H? You see, with Triple H - no no, you're not like the Rock, no. You see, Triple H, with you it is absolutely personal ...you could call it, unfortunately...a family matter. Yes, Triple H, unfortunatley you are now, my family. With the Rock, it's simple, it's clear-cut, it is just business. And boy, did I ever take care of business, thus denying the Rock going to WrestleMania as the #1 Contender. You see, I said it before, I had to squash the Rock before he started to elevate and dominate here in the World Wrestling Federation, just as Stone Cold Steve Austin did. No, but Hunter, you see, with you it's not just business, it is absolutely personal. And it's personal how you connived your way into my family, and it's personal how you embarrassed my father into leaving the very business that he created! And Triple H, it is *absolutely* personal, how you brainwashed my sister into marrying you...and now have her looking and acting like a cheap SLUT. So, Triple H, *personally*, I am very much looking forward to WrestleMania, because at WrestleMania, the Big Show will pick you up, eight and a half, nine feet in the air, slam you to the canvas with the chokeslam, thus becoming the NEW World Wrestling Federation champion. And Triple H, personally, tonight, we're going to have a lot of fun because, Triple H, tonight, In This Very Ring, I am personally going to enjoy you, taking on in a nontitle...call it a 'Soften You Up' match for WrestleMania, because tonight, Triple H, you will take on none other than...Rikishi." As if on cue, "My Time" starts up and out walk TREBLE H & STEPHANIE ONO, arms over shoulders, Hunter with a peck on the temple for his wife, they're all the way out, into the ring and face-to-face. "You know, being my brother-in-law and all, it, it, Shane, it really hurts me inside - it pains me to know that's how you feel about me. I'm crushed, Shane...we're brothers - we need to be closer - but you know, as far as WrestleMania is concerned... ["slut" chant] ...as far as WrestleMania is concerned, ya know, it's a bit ironic, because everybody knows that WrestleMania is the biggest show that there is, and it's just kinda funny that at WrestleMania, Big Show, it is gonna be a long, humiliating night for you when I prove to you and I prove to the world, that at 7 foot 2, 500 pounds, you, Jack, are not even in my league." Stephanie: "And as long as we're softening each other up tonight, if Triple H has to face Rikishi, then Big Show, I hope you're ready, because in the very first match tonight, you're gonna take on - one on one - Kane. And Shane, as far as me looking and acting like a cheap SLUT...well, nothing personal, but..." and she slaps him. Shane comes back with a trademark stare - but that's it. H's music plays again and the Helmsleys take off. Funny, nothing happening with the Rock? Well, segment ain't over yet....hey! TERRA RYZIN signs in the crowd!

Earlier Today at the hotel, the Mean Street Posse dragged Tim White out of bed and posed as room service to Crash Holly's room - with heh-heh-hilarious results! Needless to say, Crash escaped with his belt (in jammies) when Joey, Rodney and Pete ended up fighting amongst themselves to see who'd get the pin.

WrestleMania is presented by SNICKERS!

KANE (with Paul Barrow) v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (with Skippy) - they get started before the bell, trading blows, Show catches Kane's foot, but Kane hits an enzuigiri. Shane pulls the top rope to take Kane outside, so Kane goes after Shane - but Show catches up to him from behind first. Into the STEEL steps! As Show pounds on Kane, we take a look at the Helmsleys watching on a monitor from their offices. Show with elbows as the crowd chants "Big Show Sux." Kane with uppercuts, Show with rights. This particular pairing was one of Herb Kunze's "Top 3 matchups of 1999," I believe. Into the corner hard, Show with a sidewalk slam to follow it up. Off the ropes, but the elbowdrop misses as Kane hits the Zombie Situp. "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, into the ropes is reversed, DDT by Kane, flying clothesline from the top, Show catches the charging Kane and hits a pseudo-spinebuster. Show catches him in the choke - but Kane puts on a choke of his own! Show knees Kane and hits a headbutt, but now LA ROCA has run out and there's ROCK BOTTOM on Show! (DQ 3:29) Rock goes back up the ramp, leaving Kane to chokeslam Show while he watches. Kane's music plays and off go the men in red.

Backstage, Mark Henry tells Young to stay in the back - he'll take care of the Dudleyz. "I've never been easy before, and I'm not about to be easy now!" "Besides, you just had a baby!" "I didn't have a baby, I had a hand!" "Hey, whose hand WAS that anyway?" All right, I think that's enough. Young says she WILL go out with Henry and that's final. One can only hope she gets put through a table...wait, did I say that? What's WRONG with me? Hey, was I not paying attention or did they not mention Young's situation at all last night on Heat when she was in that intergender tag match? Too bad they didn't continue acting as if it'd never happened...

"SmackDown!" for the PlayStation ad - direct from the hotel of the same name

The Acolytes steal from "Pulp Bookerman" - I mean, "Pulp Fiction." What, are they driving around a parking lot? Ah, vignettes.

SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY (with Mae Young) v. D-VON DAMN DUDLEY (with Buh Buh Ray Damn Dudley) - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week Because We're Apparently Not Smart Enough to Never Speak Of It Again - yup, talk to the hand. Lawler says "starfish," and I'm feeling woozy. Henry takes it to D-Von, but gets distracted by Buh-Buh Ray on the outside, and D-Von strikes from behind. Right, off the ropes, flying elbow, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, reversed into snake eyes by Henry. When Ross runs down the list of Dudley victims, he mentions B.B., does that mean she WASN'T fired? Buh-Buh Ray is in, there's a splash for him. Young, who was distracting referee "Blind" Chad Patton, is invited into the ring to give Buh-Buh Ray the Worst Bronco Buster in the Business. Off the ropes, powerslam of D-Von - 1, 2, 3! (1:17) Somehow, we made it through the ENTIRE match without Ross telling us that Henry was really fat. Buh-Buh Ray comes over and Young is shoved to the mat, then Henry gets a 3D (Dudley Death Drop). Well NOW the tide has turned. D-Von sent outside - Buh-Buh Ray's got Young! And D-Von

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - I wish Ross would stop telling us she's eighty after Kevin Kelly made such a big deal about her being just shy of 77 last night on Heat...

ROAD DOGG & X-PAC (with Tori) v. TOO COOL - Dogg rhymes incoherently for much longer than necessary - hey, maybe he's gonna be a heel now! We are told that Young is being sent to the hospital. Rikishi is NOBODY'S "running buddy," I'm sure. Hotty and X-Pac starting - crotch chops aplenty, lockup, side headlock from X-Pac, elbowing out, off the ropes, shoulderblock, back and forth we go, over, under, hiptoss by X-Pac, double nipup, moonwalk by Hotty, tag to Sexay. Atomic drop, another dance, knocking him down off the ropes, off the ropes again, hiptoss, X-Pac goes outside, Dogg in, Dogg down, to the arm wringer, off the ropes, clothesline, Sexay on the second rope - dropkick! Tag to Hotty, both men send Dogg into the ropes, double back elbow into double elbowdrop - they stole THAT from Public Enemy, too! Hotty with a right, into the ropes is reversed, head down, Hotty with a kick, coming off the ropes, but Dogg sidesteps it and puts him over the top to the floor! X-Pac over and Hotty is sent into the STEEL steps. X-Pac over with a spinning heel kick and a chop, then throwing him back in. X-Pac joins his DX-mate in the ring, into the ropes, two heads down, so there's a double face to the floor. Tag to Sexay. Right for Dogg, right for X-Pac, Dogg into the corner, going into the Thriller, superkick for X-Pac as he tries to interrupt it, powerslam for a charging Dogg, 1, 2, X-Pac breaks it up. Hotty comes in and dumps X-Pac - Dogg off the ropes with a bulldog, and now it's time for...no it isn't, X-Pac is over to break it up - but Hotty ducks the spinning heel kick and hits a right! Sexay with Uncle Slam on Dogg and NOW it's time for the Wurm. Hoo, hoo, hoo, hi-ya! X-Pac in - double flapjack! Right for Dogg, right, right, As Hotty pulls Dogg out of the ring and they brawl on the outside, Sexay is up for the Hip Hop Drop - but Tori is over and crotching him on top - X-Pac sets up for the broncobuster - but the pyro alights and KANE (and Paul Bearer) come out - X-Pac looks around and finds no help - so he tries a punch - Kane blocks it and waffles him (DQ 4:24), there's a chokeslam for the Road Dogg, but X-Pac makes his escape, AGAIN avoiding the chokeslam. Kane and Bearer follow. Dogg, left in the ring, gets a double clotheslin for his troubles.

The graphic says that Angle and Jericho will battle for the IC title - NEXT! Hey, I bet Chyna gets her own entrance, too!

OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE, REAL AMERICAN HERO, PIANO BAR PATRON, LOUNGE LIZARD AND KARAOKE SUPERSTAR KURT ANGLE v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO for the Intercontinental Championship - "As all of you know, I'm Kurt Angle - an Olympic hero, a European champion, and an Intercontinental Icon. But when I look into the crowd tonight, I realise - I realise that my success, that I could end up at any given time, I could end up a nobody like all of you - I could! Hey - I don't want that to happen either. Or worse than that, worse than that, I could end up a has-been like Chris Jericho - a washed-up former champion, long-haired, sideburned, sideburned POTTY MOUTH - no moral values whatsoever." The Y2J countdown brings Jericho out WITHOUT Chyna - I guess the graphic lied - we are told that Chyna is taping another episode of "3rd Rock from the Sun." "Welcome to RAW is JERICHO! And Kirk Angel, I admit you've got the intercontinental championship - but you've also got bad breath and a terrible case of BO! And I would much rather look like this than look like a 30-year-old, never-kissed-a-woman Olympic geek who still lives at home with his Mommy, so Mrs. Angel, put down your double whiskey sour, pick the corn chips from between your teeth, and get ready to see your baby boy JACKASS get a Y2J beating that he, and you will never...ever forget a-gain." Geez, I think he's talking about his good friend Mark Madden there, actually. Lockup, side headlock by Jericho, into the ropes, Jericho knocks him down, off the ropes, duck, Angle up, Jericho chops him down, repeated chops, rights, into the ropes, Angle slides under, gutshot by Jericho, double underhook into a backbreaker for 2. Kneelift, knee, knee, chop, into the ropes is reversed, Angle hits a hot shot on Jericho, there's a clothesline. Into the corner, right, right, right, chop, chop, "Angle sux," chop, Jericho reverses it and chops away himself. Into the corner, Jericho attempts a reversal, Angle catches him in an overhead slam for 2. Stomp, head to the buckle, right, right, right, standing on the neck. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long breaks it up. Right by Angle. Whip is reversed, but Angle puts up a boot - then runs into a spinning heel kick. Gutshot by Jericho, and a bulldog. 1, 2, nope. Into the ropes again, reversed, and Jericho's flying jalapeno finds Long after Angle ducks. Angle puts Jericho into the ropes, but he holds on and Angle hits the mat. Jericho with the Lionsault! Cover - but no ref. Jericho punching away, then trying to roust Long. Angle's got the belt - but Jericho stops him with a gutshot! Got him over...for the Walls of Jericho! Long has come to - Angle reaching for the ropes - crawling - pushing - but Jericho pulls him to the center of the ring! Angle's gonna have to give it up...HOLY SHIT IT'S MR. BOB BACKLUND!! AND HE'S PROCURING THE CHICKEN WING ON CHRIS JERICHO! (DQ 4:10) The remainder of the referee corps and Tony Garea manage to get Jericho outta there - Angle and Backlund are left staring at each other - and Backlund rasies Angle's hand! Oh man, how cool is THIS? You KNOW Bob Backlund remembers the promise he made to Vince McMahon in Poughkeepsie...he's back - and he's going to use Kurt Angle - mold him - gain his revenge.

Speaking of Backlund, the last time we really saw him regularly, he was managing this giant ass - of course, he was the Sultan back then - geez, do we HAVE to get that angle while Rikishi Phatu does squats? Anyway - he's NEXT!

Another SmackDown! for PSX ad

And now the Smack of the Night, brought to you by WWF SmackDown! for the PlayStation - from SmackDown! - Show's misplaced chair on Triple H, the Rock Bottom, the pin, and the shove of Shane by Triple H

TREBLE H (with Stephanie Ono)

Fairly decent homage to SNL's opening credits is actually a cleverly disguised promo for the Rock's guest hosting appearance on said show on the 18th - waitaminnit - one day before UNcensored? Hmmm... Coincidence? I think not!

Moments Ago - the Rock ducked a chair, threw some punches, then hit Rock Bottom - then Rikishi Phatu gently sat down on H.

Shane and Show react: "Let's go console Triple H." "Console?" "Okay, let's...CONVINCE Triple H."

JEFF HARDY (with Matt Hardy) v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Al Snow & Head...and Riggs & Mutaugh) - Backstage, Snow tells a floor director that he needs a better entrance for Blackman. Streamers! People - midgets - carrying platters of cheese! Blackman walks by. "Just so you know, if any of that happens tonight, I WILL RIP YOUR THROAT OUT. Here come Al - keep smiling - WE'RE happy - what's going on?" "Steve, have we got plans!" "All right, I'll catch up with you in a second - remember - I'm coming!" Steve Blackman is the coolest. Snow comes out confused, wondering where the midgets are. Ross tells us it's Matt and not Jeff fighting tonight - whoops.

Backstage, Shane and Show barge in on the Helmsleys. Shane suggests booking the Rock with Chris Benoit in a STEEL cage, since Benoit has already beaten Rock once before. Helmsley says it's a good idea, as he doesn't want the Rock beaten - he wants him crippled. Stephanie says the match is made - but only if they stay out of their business the rest of the night. Shane suggests THEY stay out of HIS business...

Mankind - ravioli - you've heard it all before

EDGE (you think you know phlegm) & CHRISTIAN v. PERRY SATURN & DEAN MALENKO (with Eddie Guerrera) - NIPPLES walks to the ring as Edge and Christian are in the ring. Attacking before the bell, the (ugh) Radicals dump out Christian and go to work on Edge. Double whip, drop toehold by Saturn, dropkick to the face by Malenko. Saturn stays in, head to the buckle, chop, chop, into the opposite corner is reversed, Saturn up, on Edge's shoulders and dropped face first to the mat. Tag to Christian. Into the ropes, double hiptoss - Saturn reaches for the tag, but it's the wrong corner, all fours assisted leg lariat, gutshot, front suplex, Saturn comes back with a hot shot. Tag to Malenko, Christian ducks a clothesline and hits a spinning heel kick. Tag to Edge, Malenko sent into the ropes, double flapjack, Christian trying to get into the ring, but while referee "Blind" Jack Doan's back is turned, Saturn hits a chop block, wrenching Edge's leg. Saturn with the exploder, then wrapping the leg around the second rope for 4, kicking the knee, and I think we've found a body part to work on. Saturn drops a knee to the back of Edge's knee. Snickers gives us a Double Feature of the clipping. Back to real time, Edge kicks away Saturn, who was wrapping the leg around the post on the outside. Another chop block by Saturn - Saturn hyperextending the leg - Edge reaches the ropes. Saturn drags Edge over to Malenko and makes the tag. Two knees put in the mat, Malenko repeatedly dropping an elbow on the knee, then pulling back on the leg, another kneedropped. Spinning toe hold (kinda)! Shouldn't Lawler have NOT asked Terri about Mae Young's condition, so as not to encourage a flashback to HER superbomb through a table? Oh well. Buttdrop on the knee, another, Malenko again pulls the leg into many directions. Into the corner, Malenko ducks the dropkick and dropkicks the knee. Into the corner, is

Earlier Today, the Posse, Crash Holly and Tim White trashed a Days Inn - now that's Hardcore!

Viscera is WALKING! And proclaiming his hardcoreness! Get excited, for it's another hardcore title defense...and it's NEXT!

Tonight, RAW is WAR is brought to you by WWF SmackDown! for the PlayStation, Burger King, and Skittles!

CRASH HOLLY (with Scale Holly) v. VISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSCERA for the Hardcore championship - Holly tries a chairshot, but it has no effect. Vis clothesline the chair into Holly's face. Quickly we're outside and Holly is playing rag doll for Viscera's benefit. Into the STEEL steps! Why yes, we ARE over the barricade and quickly behind the curtain. Viscera with the mop! Viscera with ANOTHER mop! Viscera with the broom and dustpan! VISCERA IS CLEANING UP! Into a folding screen we go...Holly's shirt is ripped off, and Holly is run into a door. Down the hall we walk - Viscera slid over a table full of catering (well, pizza box and sodas) and into a trashcan. Hard into the wall - thank heaven we skipped those bathrooms. And now into a meeting room - and into the coincidentally-positioned door of the APA office! Holly slammed onto a table. Chair to the table misses. Holly finally gets in a move, with a blow to the ...little Men on a Mission, then ...chairing him right into the table where the Acolytes are playing cards! After Bradshaw makes the expected line about never being able to finish a game, Faarooq breaks a 2x4 on Viscera's back. Holly quickly covers for the pin (2:51) and the Bradshaw gives HIM the clotheslineFROMHELL. Faarooq starts to take all the money off the table, and a brief discussion ensues about who had the better hand before the untimely interruption.

Earlier tonight, many many paragraphs ago - Buh-Buh Ray Dudley superbombed Mae Young through a table. She's undergoing tests at the hospital, we are told...

MICHAEL KING COLE attempts to

Mark Henry is back - and he's WALKING! But he's found Dressing Room D - and he's rushing the Dudleyz...but he's one, and they're two - they leave him laying and run off.

Log onto wrestlemania.com and design a sign! It could land you into the front row of WrestleMania!!

4 weeks to WrestleMania...thanks, Snickers!

CHRIS BENOIT (with ...no, wait, he's sending them back) v. LA ROCA within the confines of the STEEL cage - all four (ugh) Radicals come out, but Benoit doesn't let the other three get past the top of the ramp - just as well; after all, they can't get in the cage, right? This time around, we are told that only by going over the top will someone win this match - they say that so I don't whine about the door being RIGHT THERE!! like I always do. Rock rushes Benoit, blows are traded, now the Rock takes command. head to the buckle, right, kick, Benoit kicks back, kick, chop, chop, kick, kick, right, kick, right, kick, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, but Benoit puts up an elbow. Rock with a clothesline, and he tries to climb. Too early. Benoit on him with punches, and a snap suplex. Now Benoit is trying the climb - Rock meets him with punches to the back. Off the ropes, back elbow by the Rock. Head to the buckle, right, right, Rock whips him into the ropes, reversed, knee by Benoit, elbowdrop, and we see WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW & SKIPPY walking to ringside. Benoit with a right, kick, kick, kick, kick, headbutt, crowd chanting "asshole", another headbutt, but Rock backdrops a charging Benoit right into the wall of the cage! Benoit slides down - ouch. Rock stands on the face, then tries to climb - Benoit pulls him down and crotches him. Dropkick into the wall! The HELMSLEYS are also walking down to ringside. Benoit trying to climb - Rock over, there's a BIG backdrop suplex driving Benoit into the mat. Rock with a clubbing blow, stomp, stomp, another forearm, head to the buckle, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, "Big Show sux" chant. Rock STILL stomping on him. Choking Benoit on the second rope. Into the ropes, reversed, Benoit with a chokeslam. Show says "Boo-ya!" Benoit with a backdrop suplex, almost as nice as the Rock's! Benoit sucking it up and trying to climb up the corner. Rock is over as well - and HE'S on the top rope - repeated punches and Benoit goes down hard. Rock punching away. Elbow to the back of the head. H giving the bad mouth on the outside. Into the ropes we go, Benoit ducks and elbow and chops away. That's four chops and now Rock's tied up in the ropes. Benoit decides to wail away on the Rock instead of escaping - well, now he IS climbing up in the corner - Rock manages to free himself and catch up to Benoit. He bealed him halfway across the ring! Both men down, crowd chanting "Rock E," and Rocky's up first, go figure. Stomping on him. Into the corner is reversed, Rock goes in sternum-first, there's another backdrop suplex. Benoit with a lightning elbowdrop, Benoit charging at him again, Rock drops and dumps him into the wall!

Ali Landry looks REALLY scared of Dre, don't she?