/13 March 2000
WWF RAW is WAR
I GET LETTERS:
Sometimes, you get JUST the right email at JUST the right
time. Dave Mitchell provided with this insight: Y'know why they quit runing the "Getting Cheffy With It" commercials?
'Cause the Rock can't sell ravioli either! HAR!
QUICK QUOTE: 13 3/8 (- 1/8)
TONIGHT: The European title is on the line in a Triple Threat match - Jericho, Angle, and Tazz (oh my)! DX combines to take on Too Cool & Rikishi Phatu! AND...take a drink every time you hear the word "desperate!" What's the Rock? DESPERATE! What types of thing is he likely to do? DESPERATE! What does constant repetition seem to indicate about getting over a certain feeling? DESPERATION! (Like I'M one to talk, right?) Still...don't let eight minutes of "Walker" keep you from catching WWF RAW - ONLY ON USA!
(and maybe TSN, if there isn't some curling on or something)
Notice how the "coming up next" clips on USA are now Austin-free? I'm just saying, is all...
TV-14-DLV One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
LAST THURSDAY: Hey, you're not telling ME the WWF is moving to make that *network* show the #1 showcase? How come we're starting off with clips from SmackDown!, eh? Eh, smart guy? Come on, you're not so smart NOW are ya? HA! Anyway (I'm JUST KIDDING! Come back! I'll make fun of people walking later in the report - I promise!), the Rock gets his ass kicked three times in a series of clips from SmackDown! and I couldn't be happier. "Desperate men do desperate things!" Yeah, like I haven't heard THAT one before.
Opening credits - closed captioned - thanks to a German record store, I got a used original copy of "Full Metal: The Album" for $4 - I have already made an endless loop of that riff from "All Together Now" to play when I'm around the house and feeling alone. But I *still* don't need to hear anymore of "Thorn in Your Eye." Nope. Hey, there ARE a lot of new clips in this montage - why didn't I notice that earlier? Probably too busy humming along with the MUSIC! "All Together Now" kicks ASS! Who has the video? C'mon, they played it EVERY WEEK for a few months in 1995, SOMEBODY'S got it. Hell, *I* might have it - I really should go through these tapes some day...HEY! Bob Backlund turning heel! That'd make a good column...wait, I write columns? When did THAT happen? Oh, wait, you're not here for the tangents? Well, hell, how come you haven't already abandoned this paragraph for the next one, son? These things can't read THEMSELVES!
"In the Shadow of NewYork City," (a little birdie told me it was East Rutherford, NJ) we are LIVE 13.3.2K from the Continental Airlines Arena, where the word "desperate" is uttered a whopping THIRTY-ONE times in the span of two minutes - well, maybe I'm exaggerating JUST A SMIDGE
TREBLE H & STEPHANIE ONO walk out for tonight's filibuster. Are they EMBARRASSED to be in Jersey? They didn't say "Trenton" last week, neither... I am as officially tired of hearing the word "Coalition" as I was of the words "McMahon-Helmsley Era." H does a lot of posing; so much so, in fact, that the music stops before he's done - what an ego! Stepahnie tries a "Hello..." but we're thankfully spared her not-without-effort-yet-I-would-still-say-feeble attempts at acting as "No Chance in Hell" plays and out bound SKIPPY & WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW. Stephanie surrenders THE STICK to Shane. "Last Thursday night marked a historic occasion, and no, the occasion was not just that myself and the Big Show...["ass-hole-ass-hole-repeat"]...as I was saying, the occasion was not just that myself and the Big Show, Triple H and Stephanie put our differences aside (that is, until WrestleMania, which everyone knows, Triple H, that at WrestleMania the Big Show WILL become the World Wrestling Federation champion but that's not what we're talking about, no no no). You see, last Thursday night was a historic occasion because it was the systematic destruction of the People's Champion, the Rock. You see, we turned the People's Champ into OUR People's Chump. Matter of fact, let's go back to SmackDown! last Thursday night, let's roll the footage, and let's check out exactly what happened. Oh there it is, Rock, in a special handicap match, the Radicals getting the best of him and OOOH! Benoit coming down with the flying headbutt from the top rope. But that's not all we had in store with the Rock. You see, my sister had a special surprise for the Rock. Matter of fact, later on that evening, the Rock had to take on the WWF tag team champions, the Dudley Boyz, in a special handicap table match - let's take a look at THAT outcome. There you see the Rock goin' OHH the Rock is cut down OHHH listen to that OOOH! Man, and then - 3D! 3D! 3D! Give it up one time the Dudleyz goin' crazy - the Rock taken down the [??] OOOH that was beautiful - and the fans go wild. ["Rock-E-Rock-E"] That chant is exactly what we heard even later that evening. Somehow, some way, the Rock wanted a little bit more, so he came down the ramp, spirit of '76 coming down there, let's take a look, and to see how the Rock's evening ended up, let's go back one more time to the TitanTron - there it is, Rock, oh my God, and OOOH, oh the Rock got the smacketh layeth down upon him by Shane O. Mac and Triple H, beautiful job, Triple H. Man! Triple H, I got one question for you - what did that feel like?" "Felt great to me." "WHAM one more time!" "It's not so much here it hurts, or here, but, like HERE." "And we end with a desperate man, with desperate eyes. Triple H." "You know, Rock, all ya had to do was just go away - you didn't have to go away mad, you just had to go away. You lost a #1 Contender's match - there was a million other things you could have done. You could have gone for the European title (a title you've held, very presitigious) - Rock could have dropped a little of bit of that love handle section - maybe gone after the light heavyweight title. I mean, the list goes on and on of what he could have done - the fact of the matter is the Rock has to come back and get in our business. So what happens is...damn right you better stop. So what happens is, what happened last week - the Rock gets his ass kicked three times in one night. But it's his own damn fault! I mean, if he would have just gone away quietly...but he didn't. So what you end up with is a situation that Rock finds himself in a lot, late at night in his hotel room - basically, he beat himself. You know, the one thing we found out is that what works with the Rock is not necessarily beatings - it's humiliation. When you bring the Rock out and you humiliate the Rock, that is what gets the job done. So Rock, it started last week, it continues tonight - you will be humiliated. Tonight, Thursday night, each and every night, WrestleMania, it goes all the way through, Rock. You will know your role, and we will humiliate you into accepting it." "But as far as WrestleMania is concerned. We've gotta give *the People* what they want! So, Rock, you WILL compete in WrestleMania - only it won't be in the main event. Instead, you'll be competing in a Very Special Handicap match - you seem to like those a lot. Now, we - we've spared no expense, we've searched high and low to find suitable competition. So now without further ado, let me introduce the Rock's competition for WrestleMania - THE BIGGEST TAG TEAM TO EVER ENTER THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION - THE TWIN TOWERS!" And out come...no, not who you thought - actually, two midgets, with appropriately carnivalesque theme music. Hey, that's Mini Hughes! H holds up the bottom rope for them to roll under. Show flexes with one of them flexing in front of him in a nice Kodak moment. Back to Stephanie: "Rock, hopefully at WrestleMania, you won't come up so short." "Do the eyebrow - get a shot of this." Haaaa! "Hey Rock, smell what Triple H is cookin', wouldja?" Shane proclaims the match a "tall order," but suggests some stipulations for "Boulder" and "Gibraltar" - a tuxedo match. "Shane, you know how hard it is to find tuxedos for midgets." H bemoans the lack of little and short stores out there, and offers an evening gown stipulation instead. Show says perhaps we could make it
two out three falls.
This inspires H to suggest a "midget on a pole" match - "everything is good
on a pole!" Well now LA
ROCA is finally out, which hopefully means this
segment is close to half over, right? Rock doesn't give us "Finally, the
Rock..." because it's too tough to make "East Rutherford" sound cool.
Instead, the Rock says that you can throw all the matches you want at the
Rock, and that's okay - but, baby, he *draws the line at embarrassment and
humiliation.* Tonight, he'll give them a chance to drive him out of the
WWF, much like they drove out Mick Foley. He'll take on Big Show tonight -
if he wins, he's going to WrestleMania for the title...but if he loses,
you'll never EVER see him again - he'll retire at 27. After a brief huddle
in the ring, Shane says it's on. Rock says he's not done...no
interference, nobody at ringside, and if there IS interference, the Rock
will win the match, go to WrestleMania and win the title. How presumptive!
Another huddle breaks out. If the Show were ANY kind of smart here, he'd
say NOOOOOO!! H says "you are so much dumber than I ever thought
possible," and then proceeds to accept the stipulation. Aw, GEEZ. The
Rock tells us why he's putting it all on the line - it's because he's
got...the People in his corner. Wow! His music played before he could
tell us that we are smelling and stuff. Rock walks off and Ross tells us
that, by gosh, we could very well be seing the Rock's last match ever -
And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by SNICKERS! The gay guys like it 'cause it's CHOCK FULL OF NUTS! From SmackDown! last week, Snow pulls Blackman out of the way of a swanton bomb, allowing him to hit the Super Lethal Kick and pin Jeff Hardy.
HARDY BOYZ v. HEAD CHEESE (with Head & No Cheese) - Backstage we go where Snow finds his partner and pitches his latest idea: the "Al Snow/Steve Blackman Mystery Time Travel Adventure Hour" - Snow tries singing his prospective theme song - "together they fight crime / whenever they go back in time" Blackman proclaims Snow in need of a straightjacket AND a muzzle. Snow knocks on the door behind him as Blackman walks off, then tells the emerging ABRAHAM LINCOLN it's gonna be a little while longer and to stay there. Hey, 500 channels, I'm sure SOMEBODY would buy it. Matt jumps Blackman and here we go. Into the ropes, ducked, Blackman with a roundhouse kick that misses - Hardy with a trip, punch, tag to Jeff, all fours assisted side kick. Into the ropes, blind tag to Snow, drop toehold by Blackman into Snow's knee. Into the corner, flying forearm and splash, tag to Blackman, pounding on him, now Blackman whips him into the buckle, causing him to spin up and down, and be tied to the Tree of Woe. Blackman tries a baseball slide but Hardy pulls up - Hardy ready to leap OVER the corner to the floor but Blackman sidesteps it and Hardy ends up hotshotting himself on the barricade. Blackman runs at Hardy and superkicks him! Then slips a bit - just a bit. Matt is over with something off the apron that the camera misses. SNOW is over to hit a swinging neckbreaker on Matt, then stomp away. Referee "Blind" Tim White comes outside to attempt to restore order as we see Jeff fly back into the picture, followed by Blackman over the barricade (holding his side). Jeff and Blackman back in the ring. 1, 2, nope. Commentators talking about the Rock, screw 'em. Tag to Snow - kick, Hardy punches back, Snow rakes the face, whip into the corner, Hardy goes up and over, Snow slides under, Hardy with a back dropkick on Snow. Hardy SNAPS off a 'rana - both men tag. Hardy knocks down Blackman, takes Snow to the outside, hits a hot shot on Blackmand, then drops a leg on the back of his neck. Snow in - Matt tries the Twist of Fate, but Snow shoves him into the corner - running into a back elbow off the charge - Matt with a flying clothesline off the second turnbuckle on Snow. Now they both go outside. Back in the ring, Jeff with a gutshot - into the ropes, trying a 'rana on Blackman, but Blackman drops him with a powerbomb (or he can't flip - he's still holding his side...) Blackman gutting it out - climbing up top - Super Lethal Kick on Hardy! Outside the ring, Snow is dumped over the barricade and Matt's climbing to the top. Matt comes off with a moonsault! But he missed Blackman completely. Oops. So, after a quick communication, Matt gets Blackman in a "surprise" rollup countering a suplex attempt for 1, 2, 3. (3:19) Hope Blackman's okay...he spent pretty much the last half of that match holding his left arm to his left kidney there.
Backstage, Kurt Angle tells a security guy about his upcoming European title match. The security guy, being really rude, looks straight ahead the whole time, never even bothering to look Angle's way. Well I never!
WWF SmackDown! for
the PSX ad.
And now, Lugz brings you the WWF Boot of the Week! From RAW last week, the Dudleyz conspire to put 77-year-old Mae Young through a table. Oops, Ross said "80" again. You know, he and Kevin Kelly really need to make up already.
Backstage, Mark Henry wheels Young in front of a monitor and tells her she's staying put, consarn it. "The Dudley Boyz might kick my ass tonight, but I'm taking one of them with me." Moolah says she'll make sure she stays back tonight.
THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ v. SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY in a Handicap Match - Henry rushes the ring, promptly into a double beatdown. Into the opposite corner, Henry manages a double clothseline! Opposing clotheslines as the Dudleyz lose sight of strategy and attack one at a time. Backstage, we see the seniors looking on and Moolah announcing she has to powder her nose. D-Von into the ropes, biiiiig back body drop. Same for Buh-Buh Ray. D-Von out of one corner into the opposite corner - ready to charge but Buh-Buh Ray heads him off at the pass with a GIANT spear. He tells his brother "take care of him," and he walks up the ramp, presumably to go find Young. D-Von hits a big back elbow on Henry off the ropes. Stomp, choke, referee "Blind" Jim Korderas forcing the break, stomp, right cross, right, right, right, we look backstage where Young calls to Moolah as Buh-Buh Ray wheels her off. "I'll be there in a minute!" Young does a lot of screaming while Buh-Buh Ray says in very soothing tones "don't worry, Mae, don't worry - just sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride...BECAUSE IT'S THE LAST ONE YOU'LL EVER TAKE." One wonders if somebody watching the monitor is compelled to help her - or if this is going out over the EntertainmentTron. Back in the ring, Henry is finally turning the tide on D-Von - but now we see Buh-Buh Ray wheel MAE YOUNG. Buh-Buh Ray waves to Henry at the top of the ramp - and D-Von strikes from behind. BIG clothesline. "Let's go see your boyfriend, Mae! Look at him, Mae!" Henry reverses a clothesline and knocks down D-Von. Again Henry turns his back and D-Von pulls him back in. Henry reverses it, but D-Von ducks the clothesline - 3D! (Dudley Death Drop!) They don't even bother with the pinfall - Buh-Buh Ray picks up the tag team titles - and presents them to Mae? "These are for you. Forget about him." And they wheel her up the ramp...well, that was unexpected...Buh-Buh Ray's gaze lingers as they walk up the ramp - at two tables at floor level. The crowd gets just a little bit louder...we see D-Von ready to run the wheelchair off the ramp! But Buh-Buh Ray stops him at the last minute. "What are you doing?" After appealing to the crowd...they shrug - D-Von puts Young in the position - holy crap - SUPERBOMB OFF THE STAGE AND THROUGH THE TABLES!!!!! Buh-Buh Ray stares and glares. The crowd chants "ECW" for no good reason. D-Von administers the last rites. The EMT's are out... Replays, two angles, Henry is over but the damage is done. Let's call it (around 4:00) before the angle kicked in.
On one hand, if you don't see the difference between THIS bump and the Grimes/New Jack bump, get somebody to explain it to you. On the OTHER hand, JESUS CHRIST, SHE'S 77!!!!!
Chef Boyardee/Mankind ad
"WWF Aggression," the album including hiphop remakes of your favourite WWF superstar themes is out 21 MARCH at (among other places) BEST BUY! Hey, HERE'S a deal for you: send me a promo copy TODAY and I'll write a review TOMORROW. Otherwise... I'll get back to you on that.
Moments Ago, four paragraphs ago, hey, how about ANOTHER angle - it's STILL cool lookin'! Hey, did you catch Young squeezing Dudley's hand after the spot was done? A signal, maybe? "I'm okay?" Cool!
Back to real time, we see Moolah NOT get in the ambulance - hmmm? Hey, you don't think ...naw, she couldn't have been IN on it....could she?
OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE, AMERICAN HERO, SUB, HOAGIE, DAGWOOD AND GRINDER KURT ANGLE v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ in a Triple Threat for the European championship - "There are rumours going around that last Monday night on RAW,
Jericho had YOUR Olympic Hero beaten, now - I would like to show the
footage - that is COMPLETELY untrue! As you can see, I'm in no pain
whatsoever, then Bob Backlund came along and interrupted what WOULD have
been a win for Your Olympic Hero. Then again on Thursday night against
Tazz, Bob Backlund came in and interrupted what would have been another win
for Your Olympic Hero. Now, I realise that we all make mistakes - we do -
but then I gave it some thought. Bob Backlund is a TRUE American hero -
who am I to judge Bob Backlund? Bob Backlund is a two-time WWF Champion.
He truly is a hero. And speaking of heroes, I realise I'm here in New
Jersey, and New Jersey is in DIRE need of a hero - it's true! It's true.
Hold on a second, hold on - Bon Jovi does not count, no. So I've taken it
upon myself to elect me (Kurt Angle) your new honourary hometown and home
state hero." Everybody talks tonight! "Welcome to RAW is JERICHO! And
Kirk Angel, no matter what you say, I KNOW you got a special connection
with Bob Backlund - as a matter of fact, judging by the way you act with
each other, I think it may be a LUUUV connection, if you know what I'm
screamin'. At the very least, you've found someone who matches your
requirement of the three I's, because he too is an Idiot, an Imbecile, and
an Ignoramus - just like you, jerky!" Will Tazz complete the trifecta?
YES! "Hey, you know what? When I say 'no disqualifcation' - NOW!" and
then he hits the ring. Well, he gets an "I" for THAT promo. Right, right,
both men down, right for Angle, he and Jericho lockup and go to the corner,
Angle from behind on Jericho, and punching away on Tazz - into the ropes,
Tazz sidesteps and sends him into Jericho, who dumps him over the top.
Jericho and Tazz trading blows - Jericho chopping, Tazz pounding, knees
from Jericho - into the ropes, Angle fetching the IC title belt,
clothesline by Tazz following the duck, Angle up top, Tazz beating him to
the punch, belt falls to the canvas - Tazz on the second rope, now JERICHO
over to the corner - back superplex, Jericho tries a cover, Angle breaks it
up. Angle taking it to Jericho, reversal, but Angle hits a GREAT
belly-to-belly - Tazz breaks it at 2. Into the corner, big boot meets a
charging Tazz, Angle tries to follow it up but Tazz catches him in an
overhead head-an-arm Tazzplex - Jericho breaks it up. Jericho with a
powerbomb - going for the double but Angle pounds him away. Into the
ropes, Jericho holds on the dropkick finds nothing. LIONSAULT! 1, 2, Tazz
breaks THAT up. T-bone Tazzplex on Jericho! Angle tries a clothesline,
Tazz ducks it and clamps on the Tazzmission! MR. BOB BACKLUND is in -
shoves Angle down and puts the Tazzmission on Backlund! Crowd gets TWICE
as loud here - YOU tell ME the man still doesn't have it. Angle with an
axehandle to Tazz, then taking him outside. Jericho comes to and puts Angle
in - but Backlund hits HIM from behind - he's winding up for the
chickenwing...but THAT SLUT
CHYNA is out and going for Backlund with the
Golota! Backlund goes outside. Jericho springs up and takes out Tazz on
the apron with a dropkick....but Angle WAYLAYS him with the IC title belt -
and even if referee "Blind" Jack Doan HAD seen it, it's still no DQ.
Still, he didn't - anyway, 1, 2, 3. (3:13) Jericho STILL hasn't
Backstage, DX says tonight will be a good night - first they take care of Rikishi Phatu & Too Cool - then later, the Show will take care of the Rock and we'll never see him again...
"WWF SmackDown!" for the PlayStation ad #2 - I bet if we're lucky, we'll get two more! YEAH!
So I tried to get some dirt on Backlund's campaign...then I got lazy and gave up. I *did*, however, get a copy of some papers filed on behalf of *Themis Klarides*, of all people...if you don't remember her, just count yourself as having a life. Couldn't find any secret contributions from Vince...but maybe I'll look harder later...stay tuned
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY asks IVORY for "the female's perspective" on the Rock's match tonight. Ivory says Rock is the People's Champion, and if Rock loses tonight, the real losers will be the fans. Say, what was the point of that? Hell, I thought she was a heel!
Snickers presents WRESTLEMANIA! Three weeks from yesterday at the Pond!
D-GENERATION X (with Tori & Stephanie Ono) v. TOO COOL & RIKISHI PHATU - There's a new DX entrance video, so get excited! Sexay has a new dance - "diggin' a hole" - get excited! Sexay and X-Pac to start. Lockup, side headlock by X-Pac, powering out, knockdown by X-Pac, off the ropes, leapfrog by Sexay, off the ropes, Sexay catches him in an atomic drop, cabbage patch, off the ropes, hiptoss blocked, Sexay with a hiptoss...tag to Dogg, quick slam, tag to Hotty, off the ropes, ducks the double clothesline, gutshot to Sexy, left, left to Hotty,
now for Sexay
left, left, juke, double clothseline blocked and countered...here's the
posing elbowdrop. Dragged to the corner, tag to Phatu (well, tagged the
wrong guy, but oh well.) Setting up the ass - but Dogg slides out and tags
in X-Pac - both men go down at the hands of punches. Now *Phatu* bustin' a
move - double heart punch and both men go down - CROTCH CHOP!! H comes in
- up and down, up and down, up, off the ropes, facebuster. X-Pac comes in
with a spinning heel kick to shift the momentum. H takes him to the corner
- stomping down on him, referee "Blind" Earl Hebner trying to force the
break, H pushing him away, blatant choke for 4, another shove, and tag for
Dogg. Dogg kicking away on him while Too Cool leads cheers on the outside.
Whip into the opposite corner is reversed, here's a big splash - Scotty
tagged in - bulldog, and if he's making the face it simply MUST be time for
the Wurm - but instead of the karate chop, he pops up and gives shots to
X-Pac and H on the apron! Crowd boos 'cause they didn't get to say "Hoo
Hoo Hoo," aww shucks. Right hand for Dogg, who dared to get up after all
that time. Tag to Sexay, holding him, nope bodyslam by Hotty - Sexay to
the top - goggles are on - Hip Hop Drop HITS! Dancing again, oops, look
behind you - X-Pac with the X FACTOR! Hotty is over to take him out of the
ring, H is in with a hangman's neckbreaker on Hotty. Well, it's all
breaking down now - X-Pac and Hotty on the outside, Dogg and Sexay on the
outside, and INSIDE, Rikishi takes down H with a BELLY-to-belly suplex.
Phatu warming up his rump - big butt splash in the corner! Superkick!
Going up for the Banzai Drop - X-Pac is over with the bell - WHACK -
apparently splitting the board the bell is on in half. Still, it seems to
work as we hear it RIGHT after Hebner is over (from being distracted by
Stephanie on the apron, by the way) to count...1, 2, 3.
Hey look, it's the Big Bossman - and he's WALKING!
Meanwhile... Hey! It's Kane! And *he's* WALKING! In fact....walking right by the Rock! He stops - turns - staredown...."Good luuuuuuuuuck." Rock ponders this.
The Rock hosts Saturday Night Live this Saturday! Gee, what a shame it would be - I mean, it'd SURE suck if he would have had to RETIRE by Saturday, wouldn't it? Har har har...yeah right. Bleah.
THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE (with...no, I don't see him - and the RAW Credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box) v. BIG BOSS MAN - the graphic said Paul Bearer was with him, but he ain't there, baby. Right hand by Bossman, nope. Kane blocks another and wails away with rights. Off the ropes, kick by Bossman when the heads down, Kane clotheslines him right back. Right, off the ropes, Bossman holds on and goes outside. Kane over the top rope to follow. Bossman with a right, right, right, whip is reversed twice and Bossman goes into the barricade, then is knocked down with a right. Kane goes back in the ring - Bossman following but Kane's got him - hot shot! Right, right, right, right, right, right, Kane with a doublechoke, putting HIM in the corner, rights and lefts by Kane. Bossman knocks him out with a chain around his fist (missed by EVERYBODY - hey, Ross, Lawler, WAKE UP). 1, 2, nope. Kane holds onto the next punch and hits one of his own - then another. Whip into the corner is reversed, Bossman hits a splash. Into the opposite corner, THIS splash attempt is met with a choke (or, as Ross says, "goozle"), referee "Blind" Chad Patton forces a break. Back elbow by Kane, big boot by Kane. He's going up top - flying clothesline finds the mark. Thumb is crossing throat, better send out the Prince - Bossman shakes the tmobstone attempt, pushes Kane into the corner and hits a back suplex! Bossman goes for the nightstick - Kane ducks it, and hits a chokeslam (or, if you're Ross, "tombstone"), 1, 2, 3. (3:11) Ross corrects himself, saying "maybe I was just WISHING for a tombstone - it was a chokeslam - a chokeslam to Hell." Where's Michael Cole?
Backstage, Kevin Kelly asks THA GODFATHA who's gonna win the match tonight - he and the ladies say to put money down on the Rock. You know what this reminds me of? It reminds me of when they had all the people backstage tell us who they thought was gonna win the Sid Vicious/Tank Abbott title match. It didn't make THAT match special - and it isn't making THIS match special. We all KNOW Rock's gonna win. BLEAH.
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight Where Buh-Buh Ray Put Mae
Young Through Some Tables Off The Stage To The Floor
Backstage, MICHAEL KING COLE asks FAB MOOLAH how she feels. "What the hell do you mean, how do I feel? I don't feel a damn thing! The bitch got what she deserved! That's exactly right. Listen, no one ever heard of Mae Young until I brought her into this organisation! I brought her in, she was nothing, and she's STILL nothing as far as I'm concerned. But, when I brought her in here, what appreciation did she show me? She disgraced me and all the organisation by showing her puppies, giving birth, and stealing my spotlight! I'm a Hall of Famer, do you understand that, Michael? Do you understand what I'm saying, and frankly I wanna tell you know, I don't give a damn if the bitch never EVER comes back!" This just in: Moolah gets new fan. Still, I DON'T want to see them wrestle each other again. I DON'T. I *DON'T*. You hear me? Don't book it! PLEASE! Moolah saying "bitch" repeatedly good - Moolah wrestling Young BAD.
Tonight's show is brought to you by WWF SmackDown!: the video game, Castrol Motor Oily, and Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli!
ESSA RIOS (with Lita) v. DEAN MALENKO (with Eric Guerrero) for the Light Heavyweight Championship - Champ enters first because tradition blows. Poor Lilian Garcia tried so hard to get "not Guerrera" correct for me, she ended up invented an evil twin for Eddie! Ross says Eddie's "milking" his arm injury - hey Ross, keep it up. Feeling out process, knucklelock, Malenko sweeps the leg, Rios kips up. Lockup, side headlock by Malenko, punching out, powering out, Malenko knocks down for 0, Rios jumps the legsweep attempt, headlock takeover, Rios flips and lands on his feet, off the ropes, drop toe hold by Malenko, to a wristlock by Rios, chain wrestling, into La Magistral, 1, 2, no! Wooo this is fast. Rios ducks a lariat, tilt-a-whril, lands on his feet, but goes down to a dropkick. Arm wringer by Malenko, clothesline takes him down. Working on the arm - knee on the elbow, another knee dropped. Cover - 2. Malenko still holding onto that right arm - hyperextending the elbow over his shoulder - wrenching on it, take down, arm scissors, headlock, shoudlers down for 1, still holding the headlock AND the arm scissors - Rios trying a head scissors to counter - Malenko breaks and goes to a Fujiwara armbar. Malenko kicks the elbow. Irish whip into the corner, pulling the hair, rabbit punching the back of the head - GORRY SPECIAL! Rios falls backward, so Malenko pulls back on the legs - now wrapping them in a Sharpshooter alike (Ross has no idea what to call it - "uh, grapevine the legs"), but he's not holding it very well and Rios gets to the ropes. Rios ducks a clothesline and hits a powerslam for 0. Malenko slumps in the corner, kick, chop, into the oppostie corner, Malenko dumps him off the charge, punch by Rios, springs on top, Malenko crotches him before he can complete. Malenko to the second turnbuckle, Rios elbows Malenko off, again on top, moonsault finds nothing but he lands on his feet (!), Rios on Malenko's shoulders, victory roll, but only gets 2! Kick, off the ropes, kick by Malenko, vertical suplex, but Rios counters the attempt into a rollup! 1, 2, Malenko kicks out Rios, who ends up colliding with Guerrero on the apron! Malenko hits a side suplex as we see Lita walk over, climb the apron, and prepare to hit a 'rana on Guerrero - but he catches her - and - GOOD GOD! POWERBOMB ON THE FLOOR!!! Meanwhile, in the ring, Rios puts a boot up in the corner, going for the victory roll again - but Malenko stops and covers - 1, 2, 3!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a NEW World Light Heavyweight Champion! (4:15) Wow, a lot sure happened in that four minutes. Lita's still out as we cut to
Terri stands in the APA office. Is she sure this is what she wants? Yes she is. "It's on!" As she leaves, we see Mideon enter carrying a tub of beer and wearing a shirt with "APA" in masking tape on it. The Acolytes complain that the beer is warm. "I'll get some colder ice!"
Hey, who had Malenko as the first of the Four to get gold? Nobody? Uh!
Here's a shot of the New York skyline - the shadow of which we are in...so I hear.
Here's a shot of JAYSON WILLIAMS and a few other real athletes that don't deserve chyron (apparently)
EDGE (you think you know him) & CHRISTIAN (probably not with Nipples, but she comes out here) v. ACCOLADES (with Mide-i-e-i-on) - Terri bounces out to Edge and Christian's confusion...strangle someone if you hear the word "she-devil" too many times. I *will* say that that jacket Terri's wearing is TOTALLY cool and quite possibly prohibitively expensive.
parts the ropes for his team and looks a lot like a Roadie with this
outfit. The Acolytes rush the Blondes and it's on - Pier Four Brawl, baby.
Christian into the ropes, head down, punch to Bradshaw, ducking the
followup, dropkick by Christian to take him outside. Edge hits a 'rana on
Faarooq (!), Christian with a springboard plancha (!) but Bradshaw leaves
Mideon behind to take the brunt, then levels Christian with a STEEL steps
shot. Back in the ring, two Acolytes, one guy with Teeth. Double
knockdown. Head to the buckle by Bradshaw, knee, clubbing forearm, into
the opposite corner, Edge puts up a boot, flying shoulder tackle, tag to
Christian. Right hand, whip is reversed, Christian ducks, cross body is
CAUGHT into a fallaway slam. Tag to Faarooq. Cover - 1, 2, nope.
Christian taken into the ropes, WHIPPING him over with the powerslam - but
only getting 2. Christian squirms out of the Dominator attempt and hits a
side Russian legsweep. Trying to tag Edge, Faarooq pulls him down by the
hair and tags in HIS partner. On the top turnbuckle in the corner, Edge
runs the apron to get a shot in on Bradshaw, distracting him JUST enough
for Christian to come to and hit a tornado DDT. Both men down - tag to
Edge! Missile dropkick! Shot for Faarooq on the apron, Bradshaw into the
ropes, reversed, swinging neckbreaker by Edge. Christian in to head off
Faarooq - whip into the ropes is reversed, and Faarooq hits a spinebuster.
Edge hits a DDT on Faarooq, then a spear on Mideon, who ALSO wants in the
ring. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long pretty much watching everything outside
the ring, yup. Bradshaw surprises Edge with the Clothesline from Hell off
the ropes as he turns from Mideon - 1, 2, 3! (3:07) Best Acolytes match
in...well, a while, anyway. On the other hand, only three minutes...
Post-match, Mideon tries to celebrate with the Acolytes, but they shove him
into Edge & Christian, who promptly deliver a doubleteam beatdown - and
then STILL manage to argue amongst themselves afterwards - why was
Christian marveling at Terri's jacket when he should have been saving Edge?
Replay of the clothesline and sitraction. They apparently leave separately.
Here's a couple scenes from "3rd Rock from the Sun" featuring Chyna - damn, I'll probably be watching the Kings lose to the Blazers again instead. Sorry! Tomorrow at 8 on NBC! Hey, can Ross say "NBC?" The graphic says "check local listings" for a reason....that's it, he's FIRED!
Michael King Cole stands nearby Shane & Show - an interview is coming up later...
Earlier Today, in the Newark airport, the Mean Street Posse caught up with Tim White at a baggage claim and then assaulted Crash Holly! Somehow, Prince Albert got involved in this as well....hey, pin for Pete "Gas!" Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new--oh, wait, Holly just waffled Pete with Scale - 1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new, two-time Hardcore champion, and we'll have to check the tape but I BELIEVE that may very well be the shortest title reign ever. (Sixteen seconds, in fact.) Crash walks down the ramp the luggage goes UP to make his escape, leaving Scale behind but making sure to take his belt and (hopefully his) luggage (after all, many bags look alike!). This, of course, begs two questions - one, did Pete say HE was gonna be a 24/7 champion, and should that second match count? Second...where the HECK is that music coming from?
Michael King Cole stands with Shane McMahon and the Big Show - Shane says he, the Show, and the Helmsleys have had a blast putting the Rock through all those matches recently, but tonight is serious. He and the Show won't be held responsible when tomorrow morning, Rock wakes up and realises he's out of a job. The only way we'll hear the "Rock E" chant after tonight is via videotape.
Michael King Cole stands with the Head Bangers - they predict swift victory for the Big Show. Well, at least SOMEBODY remembers they're a heel around here...
BALD VENIS and TEST
MIDGETS - Hey, Val Venis is back,
whoopee! I hear he had a real pain in the neck - or maybe he WAS a real
pain in the neck, I forget. We mark the approximate one-year anniversary
of one of Kevin Nash's dumber comments with a reteaming of the "Vanilla
Midgets" - Benoit & Saturn, who jump before the bell - and it's on. Test
quickly dumped outwide - Venis sent into the ropes, double back elbow to
take him down. Benoit goes outside while Saturn chops Venis, into the
ropes, reversed, spinebuster. Lawler makes the "Benoit ball" joke - who
won the pool? 1, 2, kickout. Front face - up for the suplex - almost a
brainbuster there. Off the ropes, Benoit drives a knee in the back, Venis
takes him down, but Saturn is waiting for him following all that. Elbow by
Venis, kick by Saturn, hard whip into the corner, Benoit trips him to boot
- Venis falls on his face. Hey look, that sign in the second row plugs one
of those companies that wanted to pay me to write for 'em. Oops, forget I
said that. Saturn with an Exploder, I think (Ross: "fallaway slam"), then
picks him up - then wraps him up in the ropes and tags in Benoit. Both men
kick away, Saturn dumps him to the canvas and they both stomp on him for a
while. Knife-edge chop, off the ropes, biiiig back body drop. We ARE live
on TSN! Snap suplex by Benoit - 1, 2, we see EDDIE GUERRERO sneak out
a look that only he can give. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Benoit, Saturn
off the top with a knee to the sternum - yowch. Saturn with a side suplex.
He's going up top - Venis catches the plancha into a powerslam! Tag to
Benoit (Ross: "MALENKO!") - shot for Test, chop for Venis, chop, chop
(woooo!), chop, Venis fights back with rights, off the ropes, sleeper!
Venis turns in and hits a suplex - check that, he turns it into a
Ligerbomb! Wow, where'd he get that? Benoit pulls the hair to keep him
away from Test - Venis with a double leg takedown - and a catapult. HOT
TAG TO TEST! Knockdown Saturn, knockdown Benoit, he's a house on fire!
Gutwrench into a powerbomb for Saturn! Spinning sidewalk slam for Benoit!
Running big boot for Saturn, and Venis is over to take Saturn to the
outside - diving off the top to the floor with a plancha! Test pounding on
Benoit in the ring - off the ropes, knockdown - ready for the Meltown.
Guerrero up on the apron, Test knocks him off. Test going for it again -
but Benoit wriggles free - they run forward to the apron, Guerrero smacks
Test in the head - backwards into a German suplex with a bridge from
Benoit. 1, 2, 3. (4:26)
Somehow, referee "Blind" Jack Doan missed the
help from outside...go figure. Big night - undefeated night! - for the
Well it's the Big Show - well he's WALKING!
Meanwhile, the Rock is also WALKING!
You know, if it were Christmas, maybe this "Army Men" ad, making more sense, would ALSO be more funny - no, more likely, I'd STILL be tired of it
OH MY GOD! "THREE AMIGOS" IS ON DISNEY RIGHT NOW!! I *must* watch the "Singing Shrub" scene after RAW is over! That scene KICKS ASS!
WrestleMania is THREE weeks away! Tupac Shakur ate SNICKERS the night he died!
Out comes SKIPPY to "No Chance in Hell," no doubt to reveal a zebra shirt underneath his warmup top. Shane tells Earl Hebner to take a powder, and, after a heated discussion, he complies. Commentators play it EXTREMELY stupid until Shane removes his jacket to reveal....ahhh....a striped shirt.
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. LA ROCA with Rock's career on the line - Rock lays some verbal smack down all the way to the ring...he'd be better off just admitting he's mentally inferior in this situation, but of course, I'm sure he'll have the last laugh by the end of the night. Rock runs into the ring, ducks, right, right, right, right, right, KISS THAT RIGHT and Show goes outside. Elbow, right, right, right, Show comes back with well it's a big headbutt. He's gonna slam him on - oh, but Rock comes free - Russian legsweep on the stage. Rock parts the legs and hits him in the jimmy - Shane should DQ him RIGHT THERE. NO MORE ROCK! WOOOOO oh but I guess this must have been "no DQ" and no one told me. Or you. Or any of us. Sigh. We walk around the ring, head to the mat, over the barricade - Shane should count them out RIGHT NOW. Oh, is it "no countout" and no one told any of us? Hey, I guess we've found our mentally inferior guy - and he's wearing the referee's stripes. Show taken to a wall. Show finally turns it around and takes Rock to the barricade, and back over. We see the Helmsleys watching on the sofa in the office. Rock to the steps, but a chairshot misses. Rock grabs the chair but Shane grabs it from HIM. Rock turns to Shane, and feels well it's a big clubbin' blow to the back of the head. Rock sent into the steps - no, reversal and *Show* goes in hard. Now the head to the timekeeper's table - hey, how about a bell shot? Show draped across the announcers' table - Rock mounts him and unleashes a barrage of right hands - it must be the dentist's chair 'cause ROCK SWISHES AND SPITS! Show reverses a whip into the barricade, however - then drops him across the announcers' table. Yikes! Show rolls Rock back in the ring - everybody back in - well it's a big boot. Well it's a big elbow. Show off the ropes, well it's a big elbowdrop. Well it's a big headbutt. Well it's a big right. Rock goes outside and staggers around, Show follows. Again to the commentary table - Rock's head to the table, Rock bodyslammed on the table - rather obviously missed elbow, the camera angle is unkind.
Show with elbows - now back to the ring. Show covers - 1 2 NO!
Fast count and Rock still gets out. Into the ropes, well it's a big boot.
Show whooping it up to raise the ire of the crowd. Well it's a big
legdrop. 12NO! Shane visibly upset. Rock blocks a punch and fires back,
repeated rights, into the ropes is reversed, well it's a big sidewalk slam.
Is that a new tattoo for the Show? Tattoos suck ass. Show motioning for
it - but as he catches him in the choke, Rock kicks him in the Little Show.
DQ HIM! Into the ropes, no, reversed, oh no, right into Shane! Shane
takes a spectacular roll over the top to the floor. Meanwhile, Rock hits a
spinebuster! Time once again for the most yadda yadda yadda - the People's
Elbow! Alas, there's no ref, though....coming down the ramp and sprinting
to the ring is "BLIND" EARL
HEBNER - 1, 2, Shane pulls him out, then LAYS
him out. And now he's brought a chair into the ring - WHACK! Two men down
in the ring - we look outside to see a black limousine arrive - and out
walks...Vince McMahon! Cut to the Helmsleys, who get to steppin'. We cut
back and forth betwen Vince McMahon WALKING! and the Helmsleys WALKING!
They finally meet on the way to the ring - Vince throws a Right Hand of
Stone and H goes down. "No Chance in Hell" fired up over the PA as we look
in the ring to see Shane making lots of surprised looks on his face. Show
and Rock are apparently STILL down and out in the ring. And here *is*
striding with purpose down the aisle with a grave look. One
right takes Shane down - but why not use the chair for good measure. Vince
relieves Shane of the stripes, removes his jacket and puts on the zebra
shirt. Rock is up - Show is up - Show runs into Rock Bottom on (near) the
chair! Vince counts 1...2....3! (Sacto 9:16) Vince leaves the
walks up the aisle and outta here - one look back for Rock - he didn't say
a word tonight. Rock spends a bit of time posing in the corner - then
walks up the ramp (after Vince?), stopping to acknowledge the crowd - the
credits are up - one more brief WWF logo - and we're out.
HEY! SISQO gets all misogynistical on us! Farm Club Dot Com! Thong Thong Thong Thong Thong!
AFTER THE FACT:
My man Eddie Burkett sent an onsite report just in time: Dear CRZ,
I was at the Raw at the Meadowlands last night, and I although there isn't much I can report (unfortunately I did not have the forethought to write down ALL the details for the Jakked/Metal matches and dark matches...) I can still provide you with a few little tidbits.
1. Mean Street Posse (Pete Gas and Rodney (how come he has no last name?)) v. the Dupps (Bo and Jack - I think)
Posse won after Rodney hit a Buff Blockbuster and Pete Gas made the pin. I don't know which Dupp suffered the indignity of being pinned by Pete Gas.
2. Joey Abs v. Scott Vick
Scott Vick won after a nice little back and forth match. Nice work by Vick. Something is wrong when the only member of the Mean Street Posse with any real wrestling experience is the only one to lose to the developmental talent.
(the order might be off a bit)
1. The Headbangers v. Julio Fantasico/Local Jobber (my friend claimed his name was Todd something. Crowd felt he looked like Crash Holly, and subsequently dubbed him as such.)
Headbangers won so that they can have credibility when they job on Heat.
2. Viscera v. J.R. Ryder
For no apparent reason, Ryder had lots of heel heat upon coming out. From where we were sitting (nosebleed section) we couldn't tell who he was until announced, but people thought it was Stevie Richards. Others thought he looked a bit like Shawn Michaels. Ryder tried to fight off Viscera, but apparently its very tough to hurt such a great amount of lard. Viscera hit Ryder with two falling headbutts (one was off the ropes) At one point, it seemed Ryder was dead, but he got up and continued his futile attempt at offense (mostly chopping and punching Viscera's chest) until Viscera splashed him and it was over.
3. Prince Albert v. Inferno Kid
Big "Shave your back" chant for the Prince. (Ever wonder if Russo had the 'Tattoo Artist Formerly Known as Prince Albert' in store for him?) Prince did all his basic moves, all 3 of them, and won it with his tko-ish finisher.
4. Gangrel v. the Godfather
Can they show the Ho's on Jakked/Metal? Godfather contemplated offering the Ho's to Gangrel, but felt that he was too freaky with the teeth and blood and stuff, so he decided just to fight Gangrel. Godfather went for the pimp drop, but Gangrel slipped out, and after a whip to the ropes, Godfather won after the Ho Train into a School Boy.
Lillian Garcia comes out and sings the national anthem. Although I disagreed with her style, she does have quite a set of vocal cords.
RAW IS WAR IS LIVE SO YOU KNOW THIS
The Rock leaves.
Big Show gets up and walks out crying.
Shane MacMahon is helped out.
Lillian Garcia thanked us all for coming.
Basically, NOTHING happened after the show, which given that we didn't get to see Rikishi and Too Cool dance or Scotty Too Hotty finish the worm, and also since the last time the Raw was at the Meadowlands (back in August), the Rock and Mick Foley and a few others did comedy for at least 15 minutes after the show, was QUITE surprising.
You saw Raw, so you should know the rest. A few comments on Raw though, as my friend and I watched it on tape at his house afterwards. The crowd was pretty hot during the opening and the first few matches. Especially for the Rock, and chanting Asshole at the Coalition. The table Mae Young went through was set up when we got there. There was a nice Holy Shit chant I started in my section after her bump, but it didn't make it on camera. Crowd apparently enjoyed watching a 77 year old injured woman being put through a table off a stage. Crowd was also hot for the Jericho/Angle/Tazz match - lots of Tazz shirts in the audience. I think Y2J however had the best chant during the match. Crowd stayed hot for the next fe matches, but by the time the Essa Rios/Malenko match rolled around, we were pretty much spent. Only real pop there was when Eddie Powerbombed Lita, and that certainly was one of disapproval. I felt bad for the workers at this point in the show, because they are very good and I like them, but the place got REAL quiet. Finally, for the last match, the crowd was hyped. Crowd popped huge for Vince when the limo showed up. (Actually, earlier during the first segment, when the Rock was talking about how Big Show had Shane, and HHH had Stephanie, and the Rock had the people, before he said, "the people" there were several Vince chants in the arena already.) All during the segment where Vince was walking from the limo to the arena, the crowd was going nuts. Finally Vince came out, punked out Shane, made the three count, and then everybody left real quickly.
Oh well. That's what happened. Take it for what its worth.
I'm sure I'll enjoy reading your nitro recap, since I missed that tonight. Have a good day.
Thanks for the impromptu Eddie-torial!
Close it out already...
When Vince McMahon get the biggest pop, is it any wonder he actually *thinks* he can keep us from seeing "Beyond the Mat?"
Lest this cynical, biased reporter totally ruin the spectacularness of this final sequence, allow my brother to put the proper spin on the night's festivities:
I GET LETTERS: Aaron Zimmerman offers: I just marked out for vince... omigod. Somebody shoot me.
It's okay, mah brutha - it's okay.