QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 13 1/2 (+ 1/8)

TONIGHT: It's a tag team elimination tournament! DX takes on the Hardyz, and hopefully some other matches too, or it ain't much of a tournament! Also tonight, Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho do battle! Hey THAT might be worth enduring this last segment of "Walker!"

Hey, did you see MiCasa's quarterly breakdown of "Walker," by the way? Notice the GIANT leap in the final quarter? It's 'cause of those LIVE thirty second spots they do for RAW, I think. Yup.

MICHAEL KING COLE barges in on the door marked "Mr. McMahon" to find the Three Musketeers there. Cole asks McMahon to confirm wwf.com's big rumour - Brisco says to tell him about the tag team tournament and McMahon says yes, there WILL be a tag team elimination tournament to decide the #1 contenders - the winners of each matchup end up in a battle royal, the winner of which will face the Dudleyz at WrestleMania. Patterson says nuts to that, tell him about the Big One! Make your own joke as McMahon says "I'm not gonna tell 'em about the proposed 'Big One' as Mr. Patterson calls it...but suffice it to say if this match is made, and I believe it will be, that this match will *Rock* the World Wrestling Federation right down to it's foundation here tonight." Cole says he really enjoyed Saturday Night Live - McMahon says hey, that give him an idea.... "LIVE - FROM CHICAGO - IT'S RAW IS WAR!!" Then as Brisco and Patterson applaud, Vince gives us a look on his face along the lines of "Can you BELIEVE I get paid to act this hokey?"

Close Captioned - It's the light in the box and it's something something something...Opening Credits

PYRO'S COMING RIGHT AT ME - from the sold out Allstate Arena in Chicago, IL 20.3.2K, it's WWF RAW IS WAR!

ROAD DOGG & X-PAC (with Tori) v. HARDY BOYZ in a tag team elimination tournament match - "The King of Rock" "Who?" "The King of Rock" "What?" "The King of Rock" "Who?" "The King of Rock" "What?" You have now experienced the gist of Run-D.M.C.'s version of the DX theme, available Tuesday as part of "WWF Aggression". This ain't "The Ave.," BABY! Dogg's a poet - I didn't know that. Honestly, sometimes I CRACK MYSELF UP with LAME shit like that last line. EVERY TIME. What a maroon. Dogg and Matt start. No, X-Pac starts. Okay. Big mouthful of water spit in his face! Kick by X-Pac, right, side headlock, Matt powers out, knockdown, off the ropes, dueling hiptosses, gutshot, flippy flippy by X-Pac, spinning heel kick. Stomp, stomp, Matt punching back, into the corner, speed of light powerslam by Matt. Into the ropes, duck, back elbow by Hardy, tag to Dogg, who decides to demur and slow it down. Matt tags in Jeff as well. Lockup, arm wringer by Hardy, right by Dogg, another right, into the ropes, Jeff slides under and dares him to come outside - Dogg tries a dropkick through the ropes, but Hardy flies over the top rope back in the ring, then HE hits a dropkick through the ropes! Stomp, back in the ring, cover, 2. "X Pac Sux" chant is strong. Whip is reversed, right by Dogg, right, into the corner, up and over, dropkicking him into the corner, here's a shot for X-Pac. Putting Dogg in position for the tandem legdrops. Referee "Earl" Hebner putting Jeff back in his corner, and behind his back, X-Pac hits a surprise spinning heel kick. Dogg grabbing Matt by the hair - into the ropes, head down, DDT, tag to Jeff. X-Pac ready to come in, so Jeff uses Dogg as an all fours booster into a flying clothesline! Knocks down Dogg, then kicks away on X-Pac. Matt over to stop Dogg - then providng the boost for Jeff for an all fours heel kick on Dogg - one for X-Pac - and as Ross pronounces the Hardys "combustible," the wall of flame goes off and KANE & PAUL BEARER hit the scene. X-Pac promptly becomes the target acquired, but before he can chokeslam him out on the floor, Tori is over to try the double sledge - no effect on Kane, but he DOES drop X-Pac, turn around, and stalk her. In the ring, Matt hits the Twist of Fate, Jeff hits the wonton soup and covers - 1, 2, 3. (4:29) X-Pac drags away Dogg while Tori hits the ring and pleads for help from the Hardys - instead, they shove her into Kane! Chokeslam! Crowd goes nuts. Kane's music plays and the turnbuckles catch fire. Hey, you notice that Ross got EVERY call of Matt and Jeff's name correct this week? Somebody finally got him some good medication!!

Stephanie & Triple H are...whoops, missed their cue! "Go! Go!" Okay! NOW they're WALKING!!

WrestleMania ad features s basketball guy trying to dunk - and, instead, getting caught in a Kane choke - then put through the hoop. Ja!

The Snickers WWF Slam of the Week is Triple H's Pedigree on Big Show, enabling Rikishi Phatu to defeat the Big Show - from last week's SmackDown! Hey, how come they show that but NOT Godfather pinning Triple H?

TREBLE H & STEPHANIE ONO come out to give a very special interview. By the way, Snickers presents WrestleMania in thirteen days!

For no apparent reason, we zoom in on a pair of breasts being fluffed up - wait, who am I to demand a reason? Pimpin', I hear, ain't easy.

WWF SmackDown! for the PSX ad

All right, let's get this out of the way. "Having this main event tonight proves only one thing: anybody who pays for WrestleMania is an idiot." Now, having said that, I'm sure that they're doing it tonight for one of two reasons. One, to give us that one on one matchup we're used to having for WrestleMania - or two, and this one is more likely, to announce that four corners matchup with all the people who JUST HAPPENED to show up on Saturday Night Live last week. Remember, there's just a TINY chance that curious folk tuned in tonight who got a first exposure to the WWF from Saturday's show - you KNOW that somehow we'll get big helpings of Rock, Triple H, Big Show...and Mick Foley? all night.

Backstage, the Rock - ARRIVES! Hey, where does HE get off not showing up until 9:30, anyway?

THA GODFATHA (with eight - no, four ho's) v. BIG BOSS MAN (with Bull Buchanan) - This report always endeavours to ask the IMPORTANT questions, like...how come there were more ladies before the ad break? In case you haven't heard, Godfather is a fun-loving guy who loves to have fun - AND SMOKE WEED. Bull Buchanan, who I have on good authority is a direct descendant of President James Buchanan just like PATRICK Buchanan is - joins Boss Man in a doubleteam beatdown of Godfather - Bobby Walker was RIGHT!

Back in the Helmsley office, Road Dogg & X-Pac storm and complain about Kane - H suggests booking a match with Rikishi Phatu. X-Pac goes from screaming anger to quiet awe just like that.

Please - let's stop seeing this Mankind Chef Boyardee ad. I can no longer endure "Ellen Ramsey's" strangely illuminated, strangely feline face.

Trist Stratus and Tori will wear bikinis on wwf.com Thursday - and for $4.95, you can register for....well, something. This graphic lacks details. Hey, you know for a few bucks more you can buy a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue and get a hardcopy of Carre Otis to boot!

TOO COOL v. PERRY SATURN & DEAN MALENKO (with Eddie Guerrera) in a tag team elimination tournament match - the ring is stormed, and Too Cool quickly clears it. Guerrero on the apron - double dropkick for his troubles. C'mon, it has NOT been "months and months" of rehabilitation. Scott stays in the ring for Malenko - lock up, to the ropes, shoulderblock by Scotty, off the ropes again, sliding under, catching the kick, Malenko ducks the clothesline, dueling hiptosses, Scotty flippy flippy, belly-to-back suplex, nips up, moonwalk to Sexay for the tag. Northern Lights suplex - into the ropes, head down, kick by Malenko, tag to Saturn, deep arm drag by Sexay, head scissors counter, everybody back up, another arm drag, Saturn takes him to the ropes, up and over, leapfrom by Saturn, right by Sexay, right, into the ropes, biiiiig back body drop. Might be time for the Thriller - no, running splash misses the mark. Saturn takes Sexay up - then runs him sternum first into the post. Saturn climbs to the second rope - Sexay shakes him off and he hits face first on the mat. Second rope dancin' dropkick - only 2. Tag to Scotty - into the ropes, reversed, clothesline almost decapitates Scott. Tag to Malenko. "Eddie sux" chant is quite loud. Big suplex from Malenko, show for Sexay as well. Dragged over to the corner, illegal switch behind the back of referee "Blind" Jack Doan. Into the corner, Scott up and over, Saturn catches him, Scotty breaks free - backed into the corner, bodyslam by Saturn, on the top rope - Hotty crotches him and both men are down. Malenk dancing around like he has to pee - tag to Sexay! Malenko comes in, right, right, knocking him down. Sexay busts a move and clothesline both men. Scoop slam for Malenko as Hotty punches away on Saturn. Sexay whipped by Malenko, reversal, and he hits his own partner! Sexay clotheslines Malenko while Saturn gets planted by Scotty. Scotty wants to do the Wurm but Guerrero pulls him to the canvas - ha! Sexay grabs him and flattens him with a right. Saturn got his chance, though - whipping Sexay, no, reversed. Why's the picture keep cutting out? Anyway, Malenko has Hotty in the Tejas cloverleaf following the powerbomb. Sexay has Guerrero caught on the top rope and beals him into Saturn! Saturn with a shove for Guerrero (!) and as they go outside to discuss things, Sexay is over to superkick Malenko out of his hold - then cover for the pin. (5:47)

Backstage, Rikishi celebrates his homiez' victory, then WALKS away. Of COURSE the camera zooms in on his ass the whole time - did you have to ask?

"WWF Aggression" ad - it's out TUESDAY!

THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE (with Paul Barrow) v. RIKISHI PHATU - At WrestleMania, we learn, these two men will actually team up to go against Road Dogg & X-Pac. They meet in the centre of the ring - Kane tries to strike first, but it's blocked. Right, right, right, right, right, right, Kane stops this with a choke, reverses positions in the corner, and now it's HIS turn for the right, right, right left right. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long tries to pull Kane off - Kane gives him the evil eye, then turns back into a superkick. Zombie situp! Off the ropes, Samoan Drop! Zombie situp! Phatu runs into a medium-sized boot. Kane has him in the choke - CHOKESLAM! Thumb crosses throat - but now ROAD DOGG & X-PAC are out. Golota, X Factor, double team stompdown. Rikishi punches Dogg, superkicks BOTH men, gets ready to hit a Banzai Drop on Dogg but X-Pac is over with a kick to the Head Shrinker to put him down. Another "X Foctor - X Factor" - a bit more stomping and DX runs off.

KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with Chris Benoit and asks why he acted so "out of character" last Thursday on SmackDown! Benoit says what Angle does to the WWF gold disgusts him - he hopes that Angle watches tonight, and see what he does to the "supposed" #1 contender, Chris Jericho.

Wow! Michael Cole stands in front of an EXCITING door!

Michael King Cole tries to interview the Rock, but instead gets told to go suck on a monkey's nipple. "What are you waiting for? Go find a monkey, jabrone!" Rock talks, the camera goes out, we check out the crowd, the camera gets fixed, the Rock talks some more, and the gist is he's been ready for this match since LAST WrestleMania. We take an extended pause for a chant. Rock says that as long as his opponents...their roles, know it - their mouths, shut it, and they'll smell what the Rock is cooking.

Your hosts are a pair of kings, LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. "JR, let me ask you something. I mean, tonight's - WrestleMania's main event here live tonight, this is not gonna be one of those deals where they say that's gonna happen and it's not gonna happen, is it?" "I guarantee it's not - when the WWF tells you it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen!" Wow, good old Lawler - really caring about whether or not the fans get screwed. He's looking out for US! My question is...who's this a shot at - ECW?

KURT ANGLE (with RAW credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box) is out. He will defend both belts at WrestleMania, we are told, in a Triple Threat match against the two Chrisses. Angle was ready to say a few words, but the Y2J countdown pre-empted that. Angle instead takes third headset to provide commentary for the next match...

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. CHRIS BENOIT in a loser changes their first name match - "Welcome to ROW [eh?] IS JERICHO! And Chris Benoyt, you seem to take yourself VERY, VERY seriously - but I'd take myself seriously too - if I did all my interviews *in a monotone, robotic voice with no charisma whatsoever.* And tonight, you radical jackass, this 'supposed #1 contender' is gonna give you an ACTUAL wumber one Y2J beating that you will never.....EEEEEEEVER forget again--" and he gets taken down from behind, by surprise, by Benoit. Kick, forearm, back rake removes the shirt, chop, chop, chop, headbutt, Jericho blocks the post shot and takes Benoit's head to the post instead. Jericho with a right, right, right, chop, chop, Benoit rakes the face, into the post. Into the ring we go and the opening bell sounds. Benoit stomps - into the corner, atomic drop, Jericho ducks a clothesline and chops, chops, chops, right, right, right, right, whip is reversed and stopped, snap suplex by Benoit - 1, 2, no. Boot to the head! "Y2J" chant. Backbreaker by Benoit for 2. Angle says he's only putting ONE belt on the line at WrestleMania - hmmm. Benoit tries a belly-to-back suplex - Jericho rolls over and falls on him for 2. Jericho knocks him down with a clothesline, stomp, stomp,

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where Kurt Angle tattooed each Chris with a title belt.

Back to real time where Angle and Backlund are whooping it up backstage and WALKING! They happen by some guy who lifts a hand for a high five. I'm guessing a chickenwing will greet him except they take too long and we cut to

Snow tells Blackman that SmackDown! will be very special as they'll be in Wisconsin. Blackman says that he isn't doing anything special there - he doesn't care about the land of cheese - he doesn't give a damn about that place or those people. Snow suggests maybe he'll listen to George Washington... "You're trying to bribe me with A DOLLAR?" Snow suggests that maybe instead he'll listen to Ben Franklin - and BEN FRANKLIN appears and talks up Wisconsin's fine cheeses. "He's an - um - extra - from the time travel show..." You know, Franklin wasn't around when Wisconsin was....oh look at me poke holes in this storyline. Sorry.

HARDCORE & CRASH HOLLY (with Scale Holly) v. HEAD CHEESE (with Head and No Cheese) in a tag team elimination tournament match - Crash and Snow start - scoop slam by Snow, elbowdrop misses, to the ropes, Ross just called him "Crash Harley," woo hoo! Into the ropes, Crash knocks him down, handstand flip over Snow by Holly, elbow to the small of the back, on the shoulders, no 'rana though - Snow laces the arms and headbutts away. Legsweep takeover, knee, kick, off the ropes, Crash slides under, THERE'S the 'rana - off the ropes, Blackman gets in a kick behind his back and Snow clotheslines him down. Tag in - kicks and stomps aplenty. "I am the Lethal Weapon!" Tag back in to Snow - kick. Blackman tore some rib cartilage last Monday - at least that's what the Ross Report said. Crash manages a blind tag - double team clothesline. Snow comes back with forearms, off the ropes, knockdown by Snow, off the ropes, hiptoss by Holly. "Elroy" chant as Hardcore bodyslams Snow. Into the corner, kick by Snow, atomic drop by Holly, clothesline, Blackman runs in and quickly goes down to a big boot. All four men in now - Blackman taken to the outside - Snow into the ropes and dropped. In the corner, both Hollys kick away but TAZZZZZZZ drags "BLIND" TEDDY LONG into the ring and belly-to-belly suplexes Hardcore. Apparently there's a second match starting here. Crash goes outside and Tazz follows. Up the stairs we go -

Here's a look at the video for "The Kings" by Run-D.M.C. - a song based on the DX theme. In case you forgot - he's the KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING - of ROCK! This video's got lotsa drinking, smoking and tits. I expect Nickelodeon will add it to the playlist ANY minute now.

GTV presents - what, GTV? They're still giving us that? I guess they'll wait for Dustin Rhodes to ride out his WCW contract and THEN reveal him as behind it, right? Anyway, Kat sees Terri and asks how she's doing after her spear from Edge last week. Terri says it really hurts even to just breathe - but "...not near the pain I'm sure you feel, not being on TV anymore..." She leaves and Kat gives us "frustration."

RAW is WAR is brought to you by "WWF Aggression" the CD, WWF SmackDown! for PlayStation, the CD, and 1-800-CAL-LATT, the CD!

EDGE (you stink, you know, Jim) & CHRISTIAN v. ACCOLADES in a tag team elimination tournament match - Edge manages to frustrate Lilian Garcia SO much she once again botches the pronounciation of "Acolytes..." at least, we'll try to give her that exucse. Strange that when the camera spies that "FAAROOQ TOOK MY BEER MONEY" sign we also get the "WHERE'S MISS HANCOCK" sign in the same shot. Edge meets them outside and runs enough interference that Christian's springboard plancha hits. Quickly we go back into the ring where Bradshaw hits the big boot on Christian to stop that. Big clubbin' blow, tag to Faarooq. Right, right, Christian blocks and hits some rights of his own, but runs into a spinebuster - only 2! Head to the boot of Bradshaw, kick, right, left, right, right, right, tag. At this point the crowd stops paying attention to the match. I GET LETTERS: Hecubus has the answer: Well, Mr CRZ,
Just thought you would enjoy knowing this fun little bit of fun trivia. If you noticed during the Acolytes match some big pops, hooting and hollaring that did not seem to have anything to do with the match fallowed by the chant "asshole" a minute or so later... The reason was two lovely girls in the floor seating were trying to become the next Mae Young, or whoever, by sitting on their boyfriends' shoulders, taking of their tops, and making out with eachother. The "asshole" chant was for the security guy that made them stop. The more revealingly dressed girl felt bad, so after the show she decided to take off her shirt and bra for the 12 your old boys surrounding her. GOD BLESS AMERICA!! Scoop - and a slam. Elbowdrop gets 2. Tag to Faarooq - open shot. Right, into the ropes, clothesline, setting him up for the Dominator, but Christian gets free and hits a Slop Drop. Here comes MIDE-I-E-I-ON, demurely hiding a mop behind his back. He's wearing his "ACOLYTES + MIDEON = FRIENDS" shirt. Edge gets the hot tag! Shoulderblock - spinning heel kick off the ropes, dropkick for Bradshaw - Christian in, Christian out. Doubleteam neckbreaker for Edge - Faarooq goes outside to deal with Chrsitan while Bradshaw whips Edge into the ropes, but it's reversed, AND Mideon didn't see it - he cracks the mop on Bradshaw. Edge hits the Stroke on Bradshaw and gets the pin. (2:48) Mideon hits the ring to apologise - and gets an ass whuppin'. Faarooq hits a - well, I don't know how a move hurts when he ends up landing completely ON him. No matter, they're off and we're to the break.

Hey, how about another SmackDown! for the PlayStation ad?

BALD VENIS v. TEST (with Trish Cleavage - err, Stratus) - Thursday, there'll be some $4.95 bikini stuff happening. Oh boy! I can't click on wwf.com fast enough! Quick handshake to start - lockup, side headlock by Test, Venis powers out, Test knocks him down. Off the ropes, Venis with a drop toehold. Right, right, right, right, off the ropes, duck, Test with a ...oh, let's call it a chickenwing uranage just for fun. Venis comes back, head to the buckle, right, chop, right, chop, knee, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, Venis hits the corner hard, another whip into the corner, right, right, whip into the corner is reversed and Test ducks the followup, gutshot, pumphandle - Venis slips out - uranage-alike - 1, 2, kickout. WOW! TRISH IS STANDING THERE!!!!! Venis with his patented whip/hold on/knee combo, and another. Side Russian legsweep. Stratus climbs the steps, drawing over Venis - Test gets him from behind (well, not like THAT way, no) and punches, right, int the ropes, reversed, up and over, rollup off the ropes, 1, 2, nope - Test has the tights - 1, 2, 3. (2:47) LOOK AT TRISH STAND THERE!!!!! A bit of an argument after the match, and now there's some shoving, and now as Venis turns the tide in his favour, out comes PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN to manhandle Venis - and now they doublteam Venis as Stratus comes in and get the mic. "Boys, boys, boys - that's enough - that's enough. That's enough of that." Venis thrown outside. "We know what everyone wants to see...that's T...and A. Well that's just what you're lookin' at - Test..and Albert. T - and - A." They cover up Stratus - oh, I guess they're heels then - and now they're outta here.

Courtesy: NBC, here's some clips of the Rock's appearance on Saturday Night Live - I thought the best bit Saturday was Rock as Nicotrel, but we didn't get any of that.

Whoa! Bill Kazmeier shillin' Met-Rx!

When we come back, three of the four teams have been introduced for the battle royal and the DUDLEY BOYZ have joined the commentators for this match...

HARDY BOYZ v. TOO COOL v. HEAD CHEESE v. EDGE (you think you get more than one of these in a show report) & CHRISTIAN in a tag team #1 Contenders battle royal - Edge kinda shoves that front row guy on his way over the barricade - that's kinda funny, especially since the fan tries to push back! Hey, the Dudleyz are pretty good on commentary - no stutter for Buh-Buh Ray tonight. Snow does the "accidentally pass out and land on partner's jimmy" spot. Picture cuts out again. Bulldog by Hotty on Blackman and it looks like the crowd will get to see their Wurm tonight after all - Buh-Buh Ray deftly labels it "the stupidest thing I've ever seen." DROP THE CHALUPA! Anyway, just following the karate chop, Snow dumps out Hotty (1:25) and Matt Hardy helps Snow outside (1:26) immediately after. Now it's the Hardys and the Blondes - AND NOW THE SHIRTS COME OFF! Edge gets Matt Hardy onto the apron but not the floor - ditto Jeff to Christian. More back'n'forth

Hey, the Rock is - WALKING!

Oh well, I guess we STILL don't have a #1 Contender - hey, I wonder if this'll continue on SmackDown!, har har...

WrestleMania is 2.weeks away! (or, thirteen days)

TREBLE H (with Stephanie Ono) v. WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW (with Skippy) v. LA ROCA (with Billionaire Vince - sorta) for the WWF Championship in a Triple Threat match - champ enters first because tradition can sit on a stick and spin. We miss Show's pyro to take a look at Triple H walking around outside the ring - yeesh. Vince gets his own entrance 'cause he's Vince - he's also big on the "puckering" pantomime tonight. H dares him to enter the ring, but Vince prefers to let the opponent do the fighting. Hey, how's a triple threat match go? Doubleteam on the Rock, Rock fights back against one, than the other. Repeat as necessary. Several miscommunication spots as Show splashes H, then H elbows Show trying to break up the fall. What IS it about spitting in your hand that makes the punch THAT much more deadly, anyway? KISS THAT RIGHT, ROCK! H ends up outside, takes a wild swing at McMahon, misses, and McMahon pastes him with the HAND OF STONE. Somehow, however, he recovers enough to break up the pinfall attempt following Rock Bottom on the Show. Outside goes Triple H, outside goes the Rock, into the crowd they go. Now the Show is over to get some of this action. Hey, I've gone all night without mentioning that blonde dressed in lavendar...oops. Rock launches H into the Big Show. Now we're all back over the barricade and H tastes the STEEL steps. Back in the ring, Rock with rights on H. Whip is reversed, high knee! Show back in - well it's a big sidewalk slam. Everybody takes a breather. Show stands on Rock's neck. H over to call him off, stomping away, choking, "Big Show sux" chant, referee "Blind" Earl Hebner gets H off Rock, so SHOW chokes away on him. Well it's a big scoop - and a slam. H directing traffic. Well it's a big suggested elbowdrop. H has him do it again, this time on the knee. Triple H picks up Rock, head to he buckle, right, right, right, right, right, Show pulls H off and lays on a meaty slap. Well it's a scoop - it's a big bad backbreaker tonight. H drops a knee. Cover - 1, 2, Rock kicks out before Show has to break it up. H punching away, Hebner gets him off, Show chokes away, repeat. Head to the buckle by H, somehow Rock starts punching back, but H gets in another elbow. Show dropping the knee three times. H asking Show to take him to the outside, and he complies. H with a

And here's one last WWF logo

In retrospect, we should have seen it coming - there *were* FOUR wrestlers on SNL, after all. But hey! If it REALLY IS an elimination match, and not just a "first pinfall takes it" match...well, I think I could live with it.

See you in a few!